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hello vonnie
โ
d e v o n
JVL
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@jacob-moraless
My words cut like sand paper
My mouth burns of the words that my soul cant
I reek of the foul stinch of disgust & foul shame that hurries me in the clouds of my own sadness
I try climbing out of this pit that I've dug myself in but I bearly get to he top and I drop back down to the bottom of what I would like to call square one.
I feel less of myself, even though I'm suppose to feel like a millions bucks. But I feel like sand paper.. Just the facts, that maybe people who live with only see the now & not the past - the only see what you could do for them.
DAY 1 OF POSTING UNTIL: I gain 100 followers part 1!!
Post UPDATE**!!
I'll be posting much frequently on this account more often if I can think of some thing to start posting. Currently got a video in the works that I'll be editing - no promises if it'll come out on this blog or not but ill let y'all know if it'll drop or not
"Currently blinded by the curtains of a silhouette that shows the upper body of a man tht has been beaten bricked, stoned & have pebbles thrown at him until has cried has last tear"
Evening thoughts: when will it be my time to be happy again...??
A: when men start being MEN & not stubborn little children.
Feeling quite talkative today on this account so I'll try - post as much as I can so this account won't stay too inactive.
But chances are, I'll be able to post some good content each & every day. - so stay tuned for that!!
Finally turning this account into a permanent posting account,
Blo will still have an remain a diary typa account but with more variety of a topic an/or situation or conflict etc etc.
Blog will consist of; pics, videos, try not to laughs, an more if I think of something else!!. So this will kinda be like a YouTube channel for tumblr. ๐.
Main account name an some of the bio will be update quite soon so please hit that follow button if you don't mind to stay updated on all topics that I post.
Dear diary, I figured I would update this I guess... Wouldn't be a perfect way to come by & type this up really quickly..
Even though I have a whole lot of things to do, like making my website & so far it's going nicely.
** kinda, ๐
Dear diary--
the last couple days were ass & I hate living here I swear to the God that created me (whomever tf THAT IS)..
Lately, I been wanting to be transparent on this blog but I'll be too scared to open up about my feelings on this blog due to a lack of following on this blog page. But I mean since I don't have nobody to talk to I'm going to vent to myself.
Ive been mentally fighting the urge to get really fucked up, like get really high, and drunk & under the influence until I'm completely numb, I mean like NOT MOVING, not BREATHING type SHIT! this unnerving feeling of not being able to do for myself, not being able to go get the thing I want, my health, my stability EVERYTHING.. It's beginning to be TOO FUCKING MUCH & my chest is aching, it's getting worse & worse and eventually it'll stop and I'll eventually catch a heart attack so I'm just waiting to breathe my last breath so I can just pass the fuck away & let go of once was the worst thing of my lfe.
Also, been trying to look fo someone to talk to, but every time I try to find someone to vent to its like all they want to do is see nudes, jerk off, fuck me, suck me LIKE DAMN, CAN I PLEASE JUST TALK TO SOMEONE LASE, FUUUUCK. If there's anyone that could please have a ear so I could vent to them , I'd appreciate๐ that A WHOLE LOT. Only problem I have is that I can't do anything because I lack my credentials (I.D. Social Security ect.) Not to mention I need to get my birth certificate & nobody wants to help me... Like I'm gonna wid up being homeless and on the street with no identification no money & I'll be lot, I'm going mentally insane with his, I cat talk to anyone about this cause like I said nobody ants to help me. Not to mention Im an amputee (which means I have 8 toes) life as I know it extremely SUCKS!!! like I Ann jump off s fucking bridge and end it?!!! AGGHHHH!
Sincerely, the emotionally stress flower child who has a black heart and half a soul
@d3ar--d1ary
The voice in my head: "what the matter my boy, you seem a bit uneasy & WELL, I don't mean to intrude but I worried about you"
ME: Well, first it's YOU, then it's MEN, & third my existence so you do the math moron"
The voice in my head: " I didn't mean to offebd you, I just thought omyou might need some comp--
ME: I DONT NEED YOUR HELP, I JUST NEED DRUGS!!!
#HELPME๐ญ๐ซ
Dear diary,
IM STARTING TO SLOPE OFF FROM HAPPINESS AGAIN, ANXIETY IS STARTIBG TO *PEAK*!!!
Helpppp!!. ๐ซ
I Calmy I Want To Say That I've Been Fighting The Urge To Listen To Sad Emo Songs All Week!!!
(Haven't heard from my boyfriend for a couple days, & I'm getting extremely sad that I might've fucked up sending him nudes ๐ซ, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM SUCH A DUMBASS!!!. Nothing ever goes smoothly right for me, I can't take this shit anymore man. As I'm typing this, my chest, back & head are lit up from stress & holding back obsessive behavior. I messaged him earlier this morning & didn't get anything from him. He usually messages me in the morning but he hasn't messaged me at all. ๐ซ.
WHATEVER MAN.
sincerely,
@d3ar--d1ary
Dear diary --
Well hello handsome๐. I've decided to start my diary entry that day cause I'm feeling quite THAT BITCH this afternoon & I want to make sure that I'm spreading the love all over my timeline on today. โค๏ธ
Of course I'm going to tell you why I've eaten for breakfast this afternoon, sidenote: apologies for me just now making this diary entry, I should have been got it done this morning but I felt I was out of a conscious state to even look at a screen so there's that. But anywho,
I'm doing great for the first time in a whole decade today. I've had my cup of coffee, might not have tht other cup, well I couldn't have it even if I could because I've already emptied the coffee pot out while doing dishes & cleaning the stove. While checking up on my Internet friends & making sure my boyfriend is okay this afternoon ๐. P.s. he got a surprise coming for his birthday (don't know what I'm gonna give him but i want myself to be the surprise).
- we're still waiting for my birthday to see each other so it's going to be a little over two months if imwe can stay apart for tht long to see each other. Go into an altercation with my mother this morning, wish I didn't cause now it's gonna be a rocky day for the both of us, it's like she has to shake up the vibration to feel a sense of humanity ๐ ๐ค..don't think she understands how the universe works. I mean I'm all comfortable body contact but please wait until I have my coffee first, case I'm not me when I haven't had my coffee.
Whatever, man....hopefully things change later when she comes home later on.
Sincerely, @d3ar--d1ary
Dear diary,
Today is Sept.13th, on a Wednesday mid afternoon, the time is 11:45 as I'm posting this currently. I woke up with a moderately stable mood surprisingly. That's been happening every once in a while, but recently its sped up just a tad a couple of days ago.
I know I'm still not quite there but I'm able to at least smile now, which is process, hell more then process in my eyes, more like a leap of faith due to the last guy i put my heart & soul into thay broke all the molecules in my cerebral cortex ๐คญ
But at this point I guard myself from anything & anyone coming in between me & my will to be faithful with the same sex --
It's still a part of me that's scared to give him the whole 100% of me ๐ฅ..I'm still fighting my anxiety about it & trusting him with my heart (mind you he hasn't fully gave me a reason to doubt him & all that he's been saying, so) I should be fine, but there's that voice in my head poisoning my reasoning with my conscious cause I have a habit of being to wrapped up in a man's words & not focused more on his actions & what his intentions are.
Idk, we'll see once my birthday comes around, he'll be coming to see me for my birthday for the first time & I'm excited yet really nervous plus scared out of my mind that something will go wrong or he might not like what he sees up close, or even worse, he won't be who he says he is ๐ฅ & will just come to fuck me & spend time with me then never come back.
Please don't let it be the third thing, I won't know how to feel ever again ..I'll probably be scarred for my entire life.
Please just let everything go smooth once my birthday comes around & he's ready to come & see me ๐คญ๐ฉท๐ค.
@d3ar--d1ary
Dear Diary,
Today is Sept. 11TH, on a Monday evening. This morning started off quote eventful, I almost had a run-in with my older sibling. Mind you, he's been staying with us (me & my mom) for almost a year now, almost.
I went downstairs to put some water in the freezer to get cold & when I came back upstairs, I overheard him saying stuff about me, like he usually does whenever I show my face around the house.
I don't come in contact with him cause we're not on the same frequency, so I just leave whatever trace of sibling rivalry in the clouds. After all that happened I had some eggs with a roll-over & some cake with a cup of coffee, even though I've already had a cup before i ate.
Before I go on any further I would like to mention that I've finally gotten into a relationship, with of course an older mature man ๐ฅน. His name will not be displaced at a current time, as I'm protecting him& I's privacy, even though he doesnt mind me talking abiut him.
He's very sweet, caring, loving, & I believe he loves me for me. He's seen my actual picture & hasn't said anything mean or hateful to me. We're on our third day of dating & I already feel like I am in love, but I don't want to speak too soon. I know I'm still guarding some of my emotions from him, just so I'll know I'll be sure of him. He lives in another city then I, but we're already planning to see each other in person, which I'm still skeptical about due to my amputated foot & my diabetes, y'know??. So every moment he brings up about coming to see me I get really scared & triggered all at the same time & my PTSD kicks in , but I remind myself that he'll love me for me .I just have to keep on telling myself that he'll understand.
& on top of that this is just the beginning of what might be the best thing that's ever happened to me ๐ฅฐ. I'm so excited to see where this relationship is headed & if all is right, & the gods that the same then he's going to be my future husband โค๏ธ.
Sincerely, @d3ar--d1ary
Dear Diary,
Today is Monday, the 28th of August & I'm quite the emotional wreck in terms of mental health right now. I only ate leftsovers from yesturday & I ate some hambyrger helper this morning. Didn't have any coffee but I'm thinking of having some later on when I feeling the temptation to have some sugar.
Not a lot to talk about, as I 'm just updating you guys on when the next poem is going to be posted. In the coming days ( this wekk) poems will be regularaly scheduled on Mondays, maybe at the end of the week if i'm feeling the time to be poetic.
Other then that I have nothing else to say rather then I'll be a bit busy doing videos this week so, if you are lookign for a post form me just got tap in to my main account, that's where all of the content s going to be. thanks!โฅ
@d3ar--d1ary
Sometimes I question If I'll ever be happy again, If I'll ever feel that happiness that was once inside & now is slighlty broken because of some lame excuse of a red flag that I had to see leave in the blink of an eye. Do I miss it, or is it the feelign of keeping that person around for an anchor.
@kweerjaayyyi8