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if we have each other (then we'll both be fine)

If We Have Each Other - Alec Benjamin

➼ information ❧ Genshin Impact ❧ Pairing: Chongyun/Xingqiu ❧ Additional Character: Albedo ❧ Tags: hurt/comfort, drowning, getting together, character study, blood and injury ❧ Summary: Dragonspine was the only place Chongyun felt like he could truly think through his emotions, so he returned there in order to sort through his conflicting feelings towards his best friend. He didn’t expect to run across some trouble along the way. ❧ Word Count: 4,429 ❧ Cross-posted from Archive of Our Own ❧ Original post date: 21 September 2022

Heart be pure, evil be erased. Mind be purged, world be saved.

It was one of the few times Chongyun remembered the full line of the demon-expelling mantra he’d dedicated his life’s practice upon. The cold air of Dragonspine mixed well with his Cryo Vision, creating a naturally calm atmosphere that he could otherwise never truly experience. A normal person, one who had not been gazed upon by the gods with interest, would find being surrounded by one pure element rather uncomfortable. Be it any of the seven elements, with perhaps the exception of Hydro, only Vision bearers understood the pure bliss that came along with the total envelopment of their Archon-given gift.

The snap of the harsh wind and crunch of frozen snow underfoot was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. Liyue did not experience harsh weather conditions like Mondstadt did. Only once can Chongyun remember the fall of snow in the harbor, but that had been the first and last time he had seen it within his homeland. Cryo wasn’t as accessible as Hydro and Geo were in Liyue, so he had to travel out to Dragonspine to calm his mind in order to be able to sensibly approach the questions running rampant inside his head.

Chongyun had been to the snowy mountain once before. His best friend– a skip in his heart beat at the thought was quickly settled by the sheer cold seeping into his skin– sent him on a wild chase at the false lead of an evil spirit running rampant. In truth, there had been nothing but samachurls to rid the world of. Despite the fever he had run after climbing off of the mountain, likely due to the sudden changes in elevation and climate rather than anything to do with his yang energy, he had been wishing to return back. There was little in Liyue that could match the serenity he felt when fully enveloped in his own element for the first in a long time.

A snow-colored rabbit scampered off in the barren trees to his left, and Chongyun repeated the mantra to himself once more. It wasn’t that he was afraid of what lurked on the mountain since there was little that he couldn’t handle alone; he simply found comfort in the words. Mixed with the calmness he felt when the gales ruffled his loose-fitting shirt, he believed he could finally tackle the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind.

Owls that thrived in the cold climates called to one another, their voices amplified in the winds carrying them. Chongyun let the sound drill into his brain and pick out the first thought to come to mind. The image of the second heir to the Feiyun Commerce Guild– a Hydro Vision bearer– his best friend– was dropped into his hands by the owls. Subconsciously, he knew that was the main reason he made the journey to Dragonspine. Xingqiu had been doing the same things as he always did, but for some reason, something had changed in Chongyun. Something that he needed a clear head to challenge.

That didn’t make the thoughts any easier to breech. A part of him wanted to take the conflicting feelings and cover them with snow. Better yet, he should use his claymore to dig out a hole in the frozen ground and bury them deep within. It would certainly be much easier that way. However, ignoring problems was not the exorcist way. Doing such a deed would directly conflict with all of the lessons he’d been taught and the morals carefully ingrained in him since before he could talk.

He couldn’t feel his fingertips particularly where, and Chongyun determined that was where he would start. Xingqiu was the same boy he’d known for years, yet the past few months had caused a sudden change when the exorcist regarded his friend. The most noticeable development had been the pure anxiety he felt. It was peculiar when it would occur, though. Previously, Chongyun had only felt nervous when they ate together on account of his friend having the nasty habit of sneaking spices in the cold dishes made for the highly-sensitive boy.

The nervousness he felt now had less to do with the spice and more about the mundane aspects of eating out. What he was going to where and what Xingqiu would think about it, if he bored his friend with his talks of exorcism techniques, and whether or not the jokes he made were humorous enough to make sure that the laughter from Xingqiu’s lips were genuine.

The thought of laughter sparked a new train of thought, one that had to do with his anxiety but with a physical addition. When Chongyun heard his friend laugh, witnessed a bright smile, or even got to hear about another book that Xingqiu was invested in, his yang energy would act up. It was worrisome, for he would constantly have to replenish his popsicles after just one day of hanging out with his friend. And he dare not run out of popsicles, especially now with his heightened anxiety– the ordeal that would follow after would be too mortifying to bear.

That wasn’t even to mention what would occur when Xingqiu would touch him. A stinging sensation lingered in every place his friend dared to lay even a finger on. It could be something as simple as a brush of the shoulder, or something as big as tackling him to the ground for one reason or another. Anywhere that was grazed with Xingqiu’s touch would still be phantomly felt in the late hours when Chongyun tried to find sleep. It was an uncomfortable problem, yet he knew that it wasn’t a problem he wished would end.

Confusing: that was the only word that could be used to describe his muddled feelings. The rapid beating of his heart, his clammy hands, and the flushing of his neck and cheeks. There was the conflicting side of that aspect as well, which could be only characterized by a certain dejectedness. An inferior feeling, the notion that he didn’t belong and couldn’t match up to what Xingqiu wants in a friend. They were of different social classes, and though the heir didn’t ever mention it, Chongyun had taken notice.

Perhaps he wanted to impress Xingqiu. He hadn’t felt that need, though, in the many years that their long friendship had lasted. As far as he could tell, Xingqiu hadn’t changed his behavior in any way. He’d always been a bit cruel in a way that Chongyun enjoyed, had wonderful taste in clothing and literature, and had given the exorcist valuable questions to dwell on that would ultimately better himself as an exorcist.

There was only one other significant change in their relationship, but it had less to do with Chongyun and more so with Xingqiu’s home life. It was well-known in their little friend group the kind of household the young heir grew up and still resided in. More recently, the situation had gotten significantly worse. Though Xingqiu did his best to hide it, the emotional toll it had taken on him was clear to anyone that knew him well.

This led to the two hanging out more often. The anxieties doubled, and it made Chognyun feel awful when he knew how much worse his friend had it. The nerves seemed oddly attributed, and he’d tried to discard it for so long in order to focus on comforting his friend. Eventually, he decided enough was enough. If he couldn’t settle out his own problems that were practically impossible to ignore, then he wouldn’t be able to help his friend at all.

Xingqiu had carefully hidden his despondency when Chongyun told him he was leaving for Dragonspine for an undetermined amount of time, just long enough for him to sort through his own brain. However, being his friend for a decade, the exorcist was able to see through Xingqiu’s facade easily. It pained him at the time, and even now his stomach felt a little sour at the reminder. But he knew it was better for both of them if he found the root of his problems and plucked them like overgrown weeds.

The trail started to become steep, meaning Chongyun had to focus on his step a little more. He had to plant his feet down in the snow at just the right angle and with enough force so he wouldn’t go sliding back down the mountain. Ahead of him and to his right, he saw a pair of deer rubbing against each other. By the look of his antlers, the bigger one was a buck while the slightly smaller and paler one was the doe.

Chongyun stopped walking in fear of startling the skittish creatures, and the pause in action allowed him to give them his full attention to the animals. They were both considerably large when he compared them to the ones he’d seen in Liyue, but they were a lot lighter in color. That was likely due to their naturally-developed camouflage to match their surrounding terrain. If Chongyun wasn’t so perceptive, he could’ve easily missed them.

The pair bumped foreheads, the buck’s antlers encasing the doe’s ears. When the buck’s hoof stamped the ground, the doe turned to rub her cheek against his. This seemed to calm him down, and he moved to reciprocate the favor. The following position looked something like a hug, for the deers’ necks were wrapped around each other and their heads were resting on the other. Their hot air from their noses crystallized in the air around them, creating a mist effect. It captured the true nature of love.

Chongyun was left in a daze. The love of two animals were displayed before him, yet all he could picture in his mind was his best friend. It was then that the deepest parts of his subconscious were starting to come forward. His heart had understood long before his brain did. His hands shook and his eyes went dry, leaving him to come to slowly come to terms with the feelings he had been dealing with for months.

The deer moved suddenly, their heads snapping up to look beyond Chongyun. They pranced away immediately after, leaving the exorcist behind to face whatever had startled the poor creatures. Turning around, he found the object of their fright: a Cryo Abyss Mage.

It laughed deviously, a hand over its mouth and rolling in its bubble. The exorcist narrowed his eyes, forming a plan in his head. He had little protection on his body on account of abandoning his normal clothes– he had wanted to experience the mountain as he did before, with just a short-sleeved shirt and loose-fitting pants. Unfortunately, it would help little in protecting his skin from the harmful crystals of a mage.

Chongyun side-stepped as the mage cast a crystal to fall on his head, summoning his claymore in the process. In battles such as these, he wished he had been blessed with the element of Pyro, just for the sake of the Cryo shield being impossible to break with the Vision he actually possessed. None the matter, he would simply have to do it the hard way.

Except, he never got the chance. He stepped too far off the trail, too close to the Abyss Mage, and the snow broke under his feet. Chongyun knew not to stray from the trail, since the snow was liable to cover ice ravines and frozen rivers that would be incredibly difficult to get out of, even for someone with a Vision. If he had gotten stuck somewhere, he’d never hear the end of it from Xingqiu.

It all happened too fast. An exorcist was trained to react immediately and use whatever materials were at their disposal. Chongyun had spent years perfecting his reaction time, yet there would always be a situation where the world moved too fast for even the most adept exorcist in the world. Such was this case, where in one moment he was brandishing his claymore, and in the next he was enveloped in an underground river.

Chongyun knew how to swim. Swimming against the rushing turrets of the cold, cold water was not the biggest issue; it was the ice that blocked his way up. The Abyss Mage was directly above him, from what he could make out in the distorted reflection cast upon the ice. Its constant Cryo application from its shield hardened the ice. The exorcist was unable to break through, and the current fought against him too hard.

There was a certain panic from asphyxiation that couldn’t be matched by anything else. Choking, drowning, strangulation, or mere asthma: being deprived of oxygen was unlike any other feeling possible in Teyvat. The dark waters, where Chongyun could no longer see anything, kept him flowing down the frozen river.

He grasped at anything he possibly could: any roots underground, his resummoned claymore, or the fish passing by that he couldn’t actually see. The water made gripping anything impossible. His chest closed in on itself, and he couldn’t breathe. It was terrible, and all he could think about was how he told Xingqiu he wouldn’t be gone for too long in the mountain.

Dragonspine was dangerous. He was warned time and time again, but he had a Cryo Vision, and was a trained exorcist– he thought he could handle it. But the ice wouldn’t break away, and he couldn’t reach up to try and dig away at the snow above him, hiding his body from any living being on the mountain. He couldn’t breathe, and for the first time, it was too cold. The freezing water rushed into his brain from his ears and eventually from his open mouth as it became too difficult to not attempt to breathe.

He wasn’t sure when he lost sight, or when the water that was filling his lungs finally choked him out for good. All he knew was that he couldn’t feel anything anymore. All he knew was that it was getting incredibly hard to think of anything at all. The only thing he knew, for certain amongst all the other certainties of his inevitable death, was that his Vision was no longer illuminating the abyssal darkness.

—

A man walked through the mountain, a sketchbook tucked under his arm to protect it from the steadily falling snow. It was obvious that he was well-adapted to the climate, from the pace of his every breath to the calculated yet efficient way he walked.

He was mumbling to himself. The air crystallized around his mouth instantly, almost blinding him. Yet he wasn’t deterred by the constant cloud around his eyes. He continued to walk on.

The man stopped suddenly, and the forest became deadly silent. No birds chirped and no snow crunched underfoot. Even the wind stilled. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary, but his keen blue eyes were locked onto something in the distance. He took two hesitant steps forward, his gray and royal blue boots dragging in the snow, before taking off into a sprint.

In the middle of his slightly-panicked run, he managed to tuck his sketchbook into the back of his pants. In fact, the snow underneath his feet and the flakes falling in front of his face didn’t seem to hinder him in any way. It was as if he was running along a perfectly-paved road.

Eventually, he came upon the sight he had set his eyes upon. It was a hole in the ice where stones and dirt abruptly narrowed the river hidden underneath the layers of snow. Water bubbled out the top, but that wasn’t what had caught the man’s attention.

He bent down at the hole before reaching down past the arm and head of blue hair sticking out of the water. The man pulled the figure out of the river by his armpits. He heaved his way through the process, his Geo Vision pulsing from the energy he pulled from it.

Once he pulled the figure— a boy— out of the water, he checked the other’s pulse before pushing on his chest. Between the chest compressions, he used his sketchbook and Geo Vision to create gauze and other aid for the wounds all across the pale boy’s body.

It wasn’t until after he got the boy to cough up the majority of the water in his lungs that he saw the Vision that had washed ashore. The normal glow of ambition and life had faded away.

—

The minute Chongyun became aware of himself, a sharp pain thudded in his skull. He groaned, attempting to push himself off the bed he was on. It was harder than he’d liked to admit, also considering the fact that he had no idea where he was or how he’d gotten there.

He didn’t have a lot of time to take in his surroundings until he found a very familiar boy sitting in a chair beside his bed. The look on his face was one of pure neutrality, if not for the slight upturn of the corner of his lips.

The first two emotions Chongyun had felt since he’d woken up was confusion and pure panic. It was never good when Xingqiu got that look on his face. The exorcist knew he was about to get yelled at, yet he didn’t know why. He didn’t know what happened, how he got here, and why Xingqiu was so mad at him.

Then it started:

“How are you feeling?” Xingqiu asked. His voice was chipped and collected. Restrained and controlled. Chongyun could feel the sweat roll off of his face despite the chill in the room that he could now recognize as a sterilized infirmary.

“Uh… My head hurts…” he said. “I don’t even know what happened, so you can’t yell at me yet. Oh, did I eat something spicy?”

At this, the almost-polite smile on his face dropped completely. Xingqiu crossed one leg on top of the other and leaned forward, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. “You drowned, Chongyun. You almost— you almost died.”

It wasn’t as angry as Chongyun expected, but the choked sound that came from the back of his friend's throat was worse than any fury sent from the abyss. Xingqiu didn't look angry. He looked hurt.

Chongyun didn’t deal with other’s emotions very well. It made him freeze up when he was confronted with it, and he could only help in subtle ways when they weren’t so strong. But with the memories from his day in the mountain came flooding back, he remembered the deer. And he remembered the way the river closed in on his lungs and drifted his last thoughts.

He didn’t think, he just spoke like it was the end of the world.

“I love you.”

The words surprised him like he wasn’t the one that said them and wholeheartedly believed them. For Xingqiu, it looked like it had a very different effect on him.

Tears started streaming down his face before he was able to get the beginning word out. Chongyun wasn’t sure what to make of it. If anything, he was scared, because he just told his best friend that he loved him and it was entirely true.

“No, you can’t say something like that. I know you love me,” Xingqiu said, “but not the way that I love you. You can’t just— you can’t go off and try to die and then break my heart into more pieces. You can’t keep doing this to me. Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me. I love you too much.”

Chongyun wasn’t sure what he’d done, but what he did know was that whatever he did had fully broken his friend. His words weren’t colorful and full of life as though he was cursed to only speak in rhymes. Instead, the heir was sobbing, his fingers furiously wiping at his eyes as he tried to keep eye contact with the exorcist.

But not the way I love you. He loved Xingqiu, more than could be described for a friend and even more than a crush. It had been festering for so long, but Chongyun had spent too long shoving away his own emotions to see that he’d put his best friend through the worst torture alive.

But perhaps it was a little relieving to know that his love wasn’t unrequited.

Chongyun leaned to the side and took a hold of Xingqiu’s thin wrists. His bony structure was descriptive to the true strength he wielded in his blade work. Anyone that looked at him would see him as unassuming, but the exorcist knew better. He knew Xingqiu better than anyone else alive.

A chill spread at Chongyun’s hip where his Vision rested. Xingqiu had once told him that his cold hands had a calming effect on him, so he used his power to amp up the coolness a little more. “I’m not going anywhere,” he soothed.

Xingqiu hiccuped through his sobs. His friend didn’t cry a lot, which made the sight of it then feel sacrilegious. “I’ve loved you for so long. I know you don’t…”

“Xingqiu, I love you. I love you the way you love me.” The stars of disbelief his best friend was giving Chongyun could've killed and buried him ten times over. “I’m not leaving you. I want to be with you,” he said, attempting an awkward smile that always got Xingqiu to reciprocate, even just a little.

“It’s been years. I caught feelings for you the moment I laid my eyes on you,” Xingqiu breathed out.

Chongyun moved his hands away from his friend’s wrists and to his face so he could wipe away the tears falling down his face. His headache raged on and he could still feel the phantom river water clogging his lungs, but the way Xingqiu leaned into his touch eased his pain.

Despite the puffiness of his eyes and the ugly sniffling noise he was emitting, Xingqiu was still the same boy he’s grown up with and for the first time in his life, Chongyun realized just how badly he needed this.

“I really want to kiss you,” he whispered, matching Xingqiu’s voice level. The nod from the heir was all the exorcist needed to close the gap between their lips.

There wasn’t any time to process the kiss, for it ended as soon as it started. The door to the infirmary room open, and the two boys pulled apart immediately. Though, the blush on Xingqiu’s cheeks indicated that the abrupt ending to the kiss was against his wants.

“Chongyun, I’m glad you are awake,” the man said in a monotone voice. “How are you feeling?”

His head was filled with hair the color of sunlight, and the colors and emblem on his clothes indicated an association with the Knights of Favonius in Mondstadt. Chongyun had been to Mondstadt, of course, but he couldn’t recall this person at all.

“My head hurts and my throat feels clogged, but uh… who are you, Sir? And where exactly am I?” Chongyun asked, although he already thought of the second question’s answer. It would be better to get them confirmed than left as mere assumptions. Plus his brain was frazzled, but not just from the headache.

The unknown Knight— presumably— didn’t get a chance to make himself known, for Xingqiu was already answering for him. “Do you remember Calx, my artist and friend from Mondstadt?” He asked, having majorly calmed down from his meltdown. “Well, turns out he’s Albedo, the Chief Alchemist and Investigation Captain for the Knights of Favonius! He sent me a letter of your whereabouts.”

That did explain the Favonius emblems and colors. Calx— or Albedo— smiled politely at him. “Albedo or Calx is fine. I found you bleeding out and drowned in a river in Dragonspine. I would give you a lesson in the dangers of the mountain, but Zenyu informed me that you’d done something similar before.”

“Ah,” Chongyun coughed, trying to hide the heat rising up his neck. “Yes. I was trying to track a demon and hid in a lake. I ran a fever afterwards, but all of that was intentional. This however… I was caught off-guard by an Abyss Mage. The ground gave away underneath me and the Mage froze the top of the river. I couldn’t escape.”

Warmth spread through Chongyun’s hand, and he glanced down to find Xingqiu’s fingers wrapped around his own. His palm pressed gently against the exorcist’s.

“Thank you for saving me, Sir Albedo, and for contacting Xingqiu,” he thanked. “How shall I repay your kindness?”

Albedo shook his head. “No need. It’s my duty as a member of the Ordo and as someone well-equipped in living in Dragonspine. I suggest wearing more than just a shirt and loose pants next time, though.”

At that advice, Xingqiu hit Chongyun’s arm. “You were suffering from a severe fever for four days on top of your unconscious ones!”

“I’m sorry, Xingqiu,” he apologized, and he meant it with his whole chest. There was a deep set regret for his actions, but not for the entire trip. If not for Dragonspine, he probably wouldn’t have realized his true feelings. If not for the accident, he would've had the courage to kiss his best friend. If not for Xingqiu, who was too distraught to think carefully through his words.

Not all of it was bad. What was bad, though, was the awkward cough from the alchemist that pulled the two boys out of their shared, deep stare.

“The healers will let you know when you can leave. I don’t have anything else to say, but if you need me, send for me. Good-bye, Zenyu and Chongyun,” he said rather uncomfortably before shuffling out of the door.

Silence was left in his wake as the exorcist processed the embarrassment he was just put through, though it was quickly replaced by the wonderful sound of Xingqiu’s laughter. It rang like sweet chimes in his ears.

“That was our cue. Where were we?” He didn’t give Chongyun any time to think before there were lips pressed against his own.

The desperation was still prevelant in the way Xingqiu clung to his arms like he was still drowning underneath the ice, and the way there were shudders in his breath and sad sparks in his eyes. The exorcist’s near death wasn’t to be forgotten. But for now, he could relish in the feeling of Xingqiu’s love for a thousand lifetimes and more.

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