ANESTHESIOLOGISTS DO CRY: On Becoming Anesthesia Provider in the Philippines - Jad Gatera (Unedited)
“it has been a while since i wrote a blog. so tonight, i decided to write one. and tonight, i will write about the recent past, the past three years of my life… THE. RESIDENCY. TRAINING.
You can’t talk about residency training without imagining the blood, the tears, the sweat, and everything else in between. i mean every single word i said. not your hyperbolic expression i’m afraid. so whoever who might have the time reading this. i’m about to unfold the truth not all can discuss, no holds barred.
THE BLOOD. i worked as an anesthesiology resident. handling surgery cases day and night. and ofcourse, there was blood, left and right. and talking about blood, i literally had minor CVD bleed. it was one ordinary day in my life, when suddenly i lost my balance. hypoglycemia, i thought. i walked again. i was falling towards my left. the doctor in me was now more worried, panicking what could the reason be. but the resident that i was, chose to still go on duty. for reasons better be forgotten. lack of manpower most probably. i went on duty for another three days. it was until i experience slurring of speech that i need some help. i went to the emergency room and ran some tests. normal glucose. normal blood pressure. normal everything. i asked the IM resident if i can be CT scanned. and she let me. lo and behold, there was minor bleed inside my head. the occasional headaches. the loss of balance. the slurring of speech. it all sank to me one by one. i was immediately admitted at the same hospital i worked at. i will be forever grateful to all my doctors, friends and family, who have helped me recover, visited me at probably one of the most fearful moments of my life. had it not been for the love of the profession, the passion and care for the patients, i would have chosen to stay at the comfort of my home. might have lost my mind. but staying. was one of the best decision i made with my life.
THE TEARS. There is no person alive who never shed a tear during him or her residency. now that’s probably a hyperbole. but the thing is, even the most stone-hearted person i know, one way or another, has cried during residency period, be it the simplest of reasons down to the most heart-breaking ones. to say the training will send you into rollercoaster of emotions isn’t a lie. there was this one patient whom i will never forget. he was a seventy-four year old with terminal illness for major operation. the case was toxic i can remember. “Doc, huwag ninyo na po ako operahan. matanda na po ako. hindi ko na po kaya. Hayaan n’yo na lamang po ako mawala.”, he told me in private. i want to tell him. “tay, huwag n’yo pong sukuan ang sarili niyo. Nandito po kaming lahat para tulungan kayo. huwag nyo po, sa lahat ng tao, sukuan and sarili niyo. para sa mga taong nagmamahal sa inyo, tay laban lang.” But these words never came out from me. I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him all these things but i cannot utter a single word without shedding a tear from my eyes. as his doctor, i needed to be strong. i know i had to be strong. for him. for my patient. tears were welling up in my eyes. no one should see me like this i thought. i hid and cried my feelings out. his family made him convinced to do the operation. and thankfully it was a successful one. To tatay, you are my inspiration not to lose hope, not to give up that easily most specially on yourself.
THE SWEAT. we were fifteen residents in total during my senior years. given the number of hospital bed, we should be atleast 29. just imagine the difference. we were definitely undermanned. duties and responsibilities kept on getting bigger as you level up. Came second year, i was nominated and got elected as Resident Staff Organization President. It was like my golden age. my renaissance. and with renaissance, i meant, it was one wonderful year. i was tired with all the activities i have had but i was happy. i was happy being of service to my fellow residents, representing the whole residents of my institution. My favorite part was December of 2022. we had fund-raising activities like Christmas caroling for a cause where the AUP Chorale and AUP Ensemble performed Christmas songs. We were able to raise funds and give food gift for noche buena among our fellow BatMC staff. Aside from being the second year resident that i was, i was able to fufill my duties and responsiblities as their leader. juggling this extracurricular activities was no joke. But i was happy. even grateful to all the person behind the Organization. you know who you are.
AND EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN. the best part of being an anesthesiologist is that… after the surgical procedure, you can already see the outcome that you want. from your patient who’s having abdominal pain is now relieved of the pain and suffering he’s been enduring for the past days. your patient with large mass are now confidently at ease. life extended. all i can say is that… RESIDENCY IS HARD. probably understatement. Residency will bring the best and the beast in you. Residency is the definition of everything outside your comfort zone. Nothing worthy comes easy, as they said. And it will be worth it in the outside world. the harder you were trained, the easier outside. to those who want to get into residency. it’s not going to be easy, you know, BUT IT IS WORTH IT. IT IS GOING TO BE WORTH IT.
(Will delete tomorrow)