writings

the occasional musings of a minecraft salmon 20 // she/her

[jadie0]

eulogy

my dear

the flowers that litter your grave are dying

because rage never lasts long

and flowers are made all the more lovely by their

fleeting beauty

but i find it difficult to separate this

ancient, shared ancestry

as petals once supple flake brown, and

you take your last, rattling breath through deflated lungs

flies cluster to the sickly rot of a

mushy, overripe apple

the same as they would to the 

milk of your unseeing sclera

the violence of the scythe through a stalk

conserved in forty stab wounds to your chest

and the wet rattle of the breathing tube pulled from a nonfunctional throat:

how easily a pretty head is separated from a body, these

temporary things.

but maybe mourners think not to mock the departed

with the proof that you have died even when these little objects

never will,

dandelion puff on the breeze of time

[jadie0]

bleeding heart

no one will come to find you.

you have to find yourself

pretending is how you know a stranger,

until pretending becomes something else

it’s a silly sonnet, the words i wrote

beat me up like shower spray

i’ve always wanted to disaffect

affection always gets in the way

i don’t know where i am right now

less sure of where im going

it feels impossible to put the right foot out

when the precipice looks like nothing

but even in this sorry state,

above the ruin of my tragic demise

there might be beauty in a bleeding heart 

a sparkle in my bloody eye

i thought my heart could tire

but this battle of mine never ends

i’ll go down laughing, even as i cry

i come up for air again

[jadie0]

bloom

it rarely wakes me,

innocuous puddle of heat:

nature bemoans another month of failure

my body a vessel, and it is leaking

the bloom that sinks into fabric —

dead blood cell caught in the weave,

how little it wants to move.

i will spend twenty minutes scrubbing the stain and it will

never quite come out,

left to dry on a wire frame while i

shit out my life-blood,

toilet water witness to all the ways in which

i can weep, when it really comes down to it

i am a bruised rose unfurling,

meat tenderized around the bone

medium rare, melt on your tongue,

flesh desperate to separate,

caught between canine points and torn at the

gentlest tug

the ache that sores my tendons on stretch,

swollen and raw,

never closer to the crawl than this:

the sweat gleams between folds of fat,

gather in the creases

smeared in bruise-purple and blood-red,

unsex me, make it stark

what makes me vulnerable

weight that droops stomach and breasts,

and the wound beneath the skin of my belly-button

remind me to hurt, even as i

lay my gentle hand on the soft curve —

feeling every fingertip indent my

merciful flesh —

even as i lay indolent between white sheets,

sheets that i will have to wash later, but not now. now,

the weight of my body touches the mattress and shapes it, and

eyelashes graze the pillow

cow lined up for slaughter, but still she forgives

her captor, and

i cup this body gently in two lined palms, i know its hard to believe,

but still i do, i really do, and still

i bloom

[jadie0]

decalcomania

i saw an impression of you

on a distant horizon, mired red-gold

in the halo of my mind’s eye,

something holy.

something more,

a possibility that might

sprout,

leap from my hand 

bruised peach seeking heaven

like a stem to the sky.

but when the seeds dripped from my palm

onto the mattress in the dark,

a shameful thing

smeared away into

a twist of paper towel

there were no wings on my back,

only the bits of skin i picked away,

rolled down the knobs of my spine. join the pile of 

myself that i’d stripped away, fingernail clippings and

long hairs collected from the shower drain, 

animal pretending to be clean.

your heart throbs in my chest and the rhythm sounds

like the truth,

like a whisper that can’t be unheard: i’m scared.

cast in the penumbra, the outline of something that might be a 

girl, a gaping hole

a wealth of inexperience

the mouth open between saliva-glossed lips

to speak the word that does not exist: yes.

a girl, a dog toy,

something that you can

wreck, if you want - 

the heart stutters when it thinks it sees you: it’s scared

but that gilded wing might’ve just been muscle, and

the illusion of grandeur

another promise unkept. 

i flew close enough to distant suns

to breathe their kiss, 

hoping, all throughout, that aphrodite would raise her

pretty head

that it was just a dream and i would wake up

to you

but

the sun crested the horizon once more

with only my arms to hold me

gilt-cast and unnattainable

rotting in a crystal casket, 

and waiting.

[jadie0]

the fool

look away quickly, don't let them see

don't get caught staring,

if you were never there you won't have to flee

don't let your gaze hold,

if your eyes don't connect, you can't be the last to look away

always left behind, never the first to let go

the physiological signs of distress,

the physical proof that you never recovered

the goosebumps on your skin and the shortness of breath,

all something that can be disguised

shameful to yourself, of course

but a reaction you can hide

its harder, the sadness in your eyes 

shameful evidence, even after all this time

that i was hurt, and still hurt,

and between us it was never fine

the time has passed but the memory has not

and frustratingly, there's nothing to replace you

flings, perhaps, but none cut so deep

when you were my first and made a fool out of me

its embarrassing, really

a year and a half should be enough to not care

but i think i have to accept that you're always fucking there

[jadie0]

icarus

i missed something lovely that i could not recall once it was lost

it might have been your footstep treading the path for me to take

or the gentle hand that guided me through puddles in the frost

it might have been a paper towel on the counter when i baked

it might have been the glimpse of movement when i looked away

it’s fading now, the helplessness, once something to protect

and maybe it was stifling but some of it was good

at one point or another, someone assumed that i know best

and all this time i never knew how anyone thought i would

i know i’ll dissapoint again, i’ll never be enough

but i hope you still remember when my palm was soft

when the pilot’s seat was out of my control

when the dew still sparkled on newborn grass

how could you think that i could mark my own path,

that my head would lead straight to my soul?

i never trusted myself, i wished on a star

and each time it broke my heart just a little bit more

through every invocation, for every failed test

please know, if nothing else, i always tried my best

[jadie0]

dessicate

the memory of smoke

on your lips, in your mouth, the

hand that crawls down your throat

rasp along the edges, thin seam of

fringed regret, of doubt

performance of the social contract,

lips wrapped around forgiving spout

i’m one of you, it says, it hurts

i exhale smoke

i couldn’t shout

disabled self-defense in dread

acceptance comes easier instead

it’s who you are, who you’ll always be

sutured wound, don’t rip me

they might not see but you know

it’s there

and it’s the knowing that follows you everywhere

when you run from yourself you can never hide

it’s in your lungs,

it’s in your mind

[jadie0]

a sort of consciousness

notes app poetry under the blanket. saying “thank you” to the waiter. waving upon exit to the bus driver. terrible feeling of mascara clumping lashes. legs tense next to stranger on a flight, cologne a little too strong, heart racing. cuticles always raw, nails always short. yearning, unable to cope with the spaces between conciousness. do you have any plans after the appointment. the memory of a slow, catlike smile,maybe a little patronizing, could never tell, in a dim room. too-small pyjamas. sobbing, blackout drunk, stumbling home. a punch delivered with the sentiment of a hug. buying milk, gallon swinging from a loose arm, self checkout, enter phone number for rewards. blowing kisses to dogs passing in public. no courage to ask for directions when lost. intensely vulnerable and intensely ashamed. karaoke, late night, the only one left singing — maybe, moderately good at singing. tired, so tired, singular almost car crash after work. eyes sliding shut, like gravity, or glue. bikini on a beach on vacation. instagram post bordering on family unfriendly, a dress, maybe, sexy, but smiling, still passable as attractive without ego, if there ever was such a thing. posts to tumblr at strange hours of the day, 2 am, lunch break. drained grande chai tea latte, venti with cold foam on bad days, milk mixing with ice, condensation beading on plastic, disgusting. anki flash cards. so many flash cards, a deck for every quarter. turn and talk to classmate when prompted, never before. video games until five am. eyes in the bathroom mirror, unfamiliar. lump in throat looking upon monet’s water lilies. a zit on chin, fingers returning to it inevitably, probably making it worse. unable to leave things as they are, unable to let things heal. leave the wound open and raw, go on, see how much you can suffer because of it. lip gloss, reapplied. 3 minute mourning on the toilet. a girl with a suitcase. tattoo on thigh, reading a book as the needle goes in (never let me go), listening to music on the bus ride back (headlock). endless cycle of song lyrics, fight off the lethargy, dont go quietly. heart-swelling love. misery-inducing hatred. annoyance, brittle and wearing thin, quick to shortness, voice hard. regret, or maybe nothing at all. smile so big, desperate to make you feel safe. letting the silence ring, letting it become uncomfortable. staring into a pair of eyes, averted gaze, could only ever do a couple of seconds before loss, the iris inanimate. writing things, never reading them again. what’s the point of being sad, thought yet experienced nevertheless. pictures that spark only bad memories, undeletable. five hundred person biochemistry lecture, unknowable. the grade is the grade. how was your day. do you have any concerns today. hand between legs. a hot shower, the room still foggy an hour later. hurt. so tired that eyes are dry, eyebags like a physical weight. hello, thank you, bye-bye. looking down upon a body, attached. must hold this all within yourself, the knowledge of every facet of who you are. you are the only one can carry it all.

[jadie0]

the place between thoughts

femininity sometimes feels like a collection of marks

left upon a body like hatches on a wall,

passing the time

disregarding autonomy, completely customizable, 

a creation created by a passerby

the mirror to remind you that you will never be real

catcalls in the street drape heavy like velvet

like the specter of the stripper in your mind,

like the me you wanted me to be

like something you would never hear but gladly touch and see

the circumstance that would void any deserved dignity

i always felt it

makeup clinging to skin as i wipe it off after a date

mascara clumps in lashes that i can never quite erase

framing my eyes the next morning with 

the shadow of an effort made

everything i’ve done for a man,

evidence laid bare on bare skin

beautiful vessel crafted for shame

repeat offender of the original sin 

i could never escape it, your eyes are my own

dull thud of invasion of hurt between thighs

your judgement is in my very home

the absence of presence, ghost of touch when you’re gone

hot water cannot melt the strain from my lungs

not even long after the moment has died

it’s just another mark, that i let him inside

i carve into myself, scarred map of every me 

that wasn’t me that you made me out to be

while men always escape, blank slate, try again

i will never be clean. there’s blood on my hands

[jadie0]

bygones

a remarkable capacity for hurt

stood behind your world-weary eyes

and i could never stand the piercing gaze

could never let you see me cry

tilt my chin towards your face

give it a minute, give it some time

raw skin stands between us, and i know you dont mean it

but i can’t help it when i brace for the bite

try to forgive me when i hurt you again

and i can try to forget mine

but do not reproach me when i gaze into distance

i would rather say nothing than tell you a lie

if the truth is untold, but it’s bare in my gaze

then you’ll see why i cannot meet your eye

a flicker to see before looking away

twisted lip, clenching jaw, sliding foot, all betray

some primal part of me associates energy with release

and thinks movement will dissapate agitation away

but it’s really just a tell, of the way my chest swells

i feel naked and foolish, heart worn on my sleeve

even when undeserving of being seen that way

so you’ll understand, then, why it hurts to look at you

shine of life too overwhelming to bear

fragile somethings in loose-fingered grip

if i can’t see you, you were never really there

[jadie0]

mother

mother, i am so happy right now. i’m so happy that i feel like crying when someone loves me, and i want to bare my heart to those that surely do. i saw someone hold the elevator for a stranger yesterday, and i realized that those with beauty in their hearts are better able to give beauty to another. love is a compounding emotion.

mother, i took psychology, but i don’t think i understood maslow’s pyramid until now. you must feed yourself before you can feed others. you must love yourself before you can give it away. the self, base to the other.

mother, i am nothing but a body. the world bruises me and strips me raw, and yet i tell it to take more, mother, i lose myself in my futile face-off against my limits.

mother, this world wants me to nourish its industry, but i want to nourish myself. you told me to be part of a greater whole, of a responsibility to the universe, but mother, i think i’m happy right now because i did something for myself.

joy is something that we are told comes from the outside, but i’m finding that it also comes from within.

mother, you would cradle me and i would ask you for the meaning of it all, but i think it’s me. i will never escape my body, no one can, besides through the marks they leave.

mother — here are my etchings. my footprint, my stamp, my lipstick-greasy kiss on paper; here, i lick the seal of my own existence.

mother, i am happy in this moment. it has to be enough.

[jadie0]

shuffle

i think that when i saw something pleasing in the cut of your cheekbone and the cruel uptick of your lips, that i wanted something to call mine

and i knew you looked like someone who would hurt me but the all the tv shows in the world taught me that danger is exciting, and all the warnings in the world couldn’t stop me from getting in too deep

even though i never really lost anything, it sometimes feels like i lose everything, again and again

and i want to find that happiness, the sparkle of an eye and the softening of creases, i want

someone to make plans with, i want to be so in love that it’s disgusting, and all the tv shows in the world convinced me that to get to the happy ending, you were supposed to find love on the way

but i’ve kissed a couple guys, and none of them stayed, and as they fragment my trust and my perception of loyalty, 

i’ve more frequently stayed my hand, and perhaps a part of me looked at the patterns and recognized that something easy might not be in the cards

and that i was maybe unloveable or simply incapable of loving in any way recognizable by someone with the capacity to love me back

so i try to decline the danger to protect my heart from getting hurt, but its a self fulfilling prophecy, that when you don’t show your hand youre on the defensive

and it’s a perverse self-torture, but i imagine you reading these and knowing me, an exchange of understanding that doesn’t have to involve spoken words

so often buffered by meaninglessness and impulse

but there’s hurdle upon hurdle of expectation on reality and movement slow and fast, and besides, love isn’t real anymore but simply fighting, in a game that was never supposed to have sides

and once we draw, we reshuffle and try again 

[jadie0]

smoke and mirrors

i want you to make me pretty

unmake who i was beneath your hands

take all my soft parts and sharpen me

press me to you to find no curved edge

i want you to push down where it hurts

i want you to yield me a secret

you can’t break something already broken

i already know you'll never keep it

don’t ask to know me,

go on, make me anew

see me where no one has seen

i can pretend i was what you drew

look in the places that matter the least,

lick the tears from my cheeks and bite down

strip me to skin to skin, but

there will always be space, no matter how thin

i want you to taste me

take a day or two to wash the scent

miss me when i’m gone; won’t you?

convince me not to pretend

it isn’t kind, is it? to yourself, nor i

making mirrors and posing and refracting light

you can try, but we’ll never see eye to eye

even when silk drape isn’t on your mind

smoke and mirrors, painful prayer, nothing to see

you will never make a beggar of me

[jadie0]

fine wine

see me

strip me with your eyes

my witness to my life

break me

recreate me in your image

phyletic mental fission

taste me

twisted essence on your tongue

claw-foot decanter drunk

i want you to want me like a fine wine

a taste you cant get out of your mind

i wish you’d drink me down

and tell me that you’re mine

ruby splatter on a white shirt

the way your fingers make a clean cut

chanel on the collar that brushes my hip

a pornographic shine to your lips

press them to me

let me devour you

twin souls entangle to one

let me bury myself under your skin

stretch to make room for the fit

a flush to your cheeks

wandering eyes across the room meet

take a slow sip, go on, let me see

the things you’d do to me

if i were a fine wine

spilled carelessly on the bed

red bleeding like ink hair from my head

wrist pinned to the sheets

would i gasp,

would you plead,

we’d make a pretty picture, indeed

[jadie0]

on spring

pastel sunrise, mottled green

flower bloom, thawed stream

spring is upon us, the air is clean

crisp cloud cuts the sky

and there’s a gleam in your eye

an adventure there, and i want to follow

outstretched hand, t-shirts at dusk

grassy knoll, abandoned park

mosquitos buzz and bat them away

air cool and perfumed with the breeze of the day

and there’s a bed waiting when you get home

and the silence is warm when you’re alone

sky open above you and dizzy with fear

the grip of nostalgia never felt so real

until now, grass flat beneath your back

and sand between toes, pretty rock in backpack

teetering on the precipice of all you have known

at once still so young, at once so near grown

living felt stagnant but the answer was clear

every me nested in me, stacked years upon years

the coming of spring still awakens such thrill

and the promise of budding spreads dreams anew:

this was never a middle, as the pond is never still

but the beginning of everything, and everything that will

[jadie0]

lucky charm

i would look at a text

thumbnail skitter over message, scroll,

and think that this must be how real people talk

i looked for the answers to the universe in the

scuff of nail polish on my desk, or

scried my future in the blue tint of

lucky charms milk,

but there was no supernatural to be found in the ordinary,

no simple magic to the daily

and i woke up before the sun rose, but even then i

couldn’t find anything to be happy about

or any beauty in the darkened world,

until the gray light crept over the sky, illuminating the ugliness

the bus stop smells, and

fetid streets, and

the ants on the counter, crawling over their dead friends’ bodies,

among the pesticidal waste

and i wonder if someone wished me out of existence,

or if maybe, it stuck, when you told me i couldn’t be real

[jadie0]

temporary paralysis

maybe i need practice with heartbreak

maybe if i hold on i'll learn to let go

maybe good things were never destined for me

maybe futures aren't written in stone

i hate when things change

i want everyone to stay

people in my mind are unpredictable

and rarely comply to the rules of real life

it feels like a sort of self-harm,

to throw myself into it again

this cannot be good for me

every instinct tells me to protect,

every experience tells me to listen to my qualms

withdraw, reel back, just stop, deflect

my hope is incessant and endless,

don't talk to me if you don't want a fright

my spark of interest cannot be drowned

when i wake up and remember myself,

it will be you on my mind

until i create a caricature in my head

until i forget your face,

your actions wrought by shadowed features

memories in feeling, if not in sight

a day stretched into a year of groundhog memory

don’t hurt me, i want to tell everyone that talks to me

don't make me care for you when you won't care for me,

it will only make me hate you

and it only takes one night and one day

for nothing to be the same again