A Lesson on Triggers and the Wounds they Stem From
Many of you may have heard the phrase “I’ve been triggered!” Some of you may have rolled your eyes in response to the person saying it. Or laughed it off as some new age, cry baby thing Millennials do when their feelings get hurt (chill I’m a Millennial! #eldermillennial). I’m here to tell you being triggered is a very real thing, linked to very real trauma, and in need of very real healing. Some of us may have triggered as a result of physical events (i.e. accidents or abuse). Others of us may have triggers formed from ancestral or generational events. Situations that happened before we were born or as a result of happenings in a different lifetime that we carried over. Whatever the cause of the wound, the resulting trigger is real and you shouldn’t ignore it.
Today I was triggered in a big way that made me aware of a wound I didn’t realize I had. I suffered a very real physical injury because of it and was left to stew in the pot of the why’s and what the fucks of it all. This part essay, part venting mess, is part of the three-part process I took today to recenter and figure my shit out. My hope is that you find something in this tower moment that you can relate to. And/or you are better prepared for when you’re triggered in the future and how to work through it.
WARNING! The following paragraphs have some very strong opinions about humanity that you may or may not agree with, that may end up triggering you, or may not be entirely politically correct. My advice is that you take care of yourself. Proceed as far as you can and stop when you feel you cannot any longer. Practice self-care always. Not everything on the Internet is meant for you. Further, note that I am including myself in a lot of these generalizations. I usually avoid generalizations in my writing as a rule. As a person of color, I find them to be short-sighted and limiting. But, based on my recent observations, there was no other way to tackle how I was feeling in the written form. If you’re offended, that's an indication that there is something here that you need to work through. I hope you take the time to do so. All my love!
Entitlement is the plague of humanity. What do I mean by this? Think about all of what is toxicity in our civilization. Even down to the things that seem mundane or minuscule: someone cutting you off in line or while driving; someone running a red light; someone asking you to do something for them when they know you have plans; someone making plans for you and not including you in the process. What is at the core of all of these behaviors? Someone who feels they are entitled to, or have the right to do what they want without consideration for the people around them.
There may be a moment after reading that paragraph where you think to yourself, that’s not really entitlement, that’s just people being people. But when did thinking your needs are more important than others to the point where you expect your needs to be honored over the needs of others, become “people being people?” You might also think: surely this is not the plague of humanity. Not all of humanity's evils are initiated from entitlement. You’re right. Not all but most. Why do members of our government, our economy, our law enforcement system, feel they get to lie, cheat, steal, murder, and prosper, independent of what that means to the rest of us? Why do we, and I am including myself in this generalization, feel it is okay to eat animals without showing gratitude for their contribution to our nourishment or use resources without considering the repercussions for that use? Because some of us feel it is our right to do so. We feel entitled to it.
Now, many are probably offended at this point and wondering why I’m taking time and energy to vent about humanity and entitlement in a very public way. Especially after Christmas when we’re all supposed to be grateful and joyous. The reason is that today I was triggered by another person’s entitlement and it ignited some epiphanies in me. It made me aware!! And my ancestors insisted I share this with you all.
Earlier today, my husband and I were walking from a local breakfast place, where we parked our car, to Starbucks, which was only a short distance away. We didn’t see the need to drive there, which we normally do, because there was an accident on a major road running parallel to the main street in our town, and traffic was locking up. We thought it smarter to walk. When we came out of the breakfast place, a woman was standing next to her SUV, which was double-parked, blocking in three cars, one of which was parked in a handicap spot. She said in our direction, “is one of these cars yours?” She gestured toward the cars she was blocking. We said in unison: No! She responded, “are you even parked in this parking lot?” Again, in unison, we said, “yes!” and proceeded to continue walking. My husband, ever the problem solver, started to gesture to her that a number of different parking spaces were open (at least two). It looked like he was starting to walk to our car, but I said to him, “ I don’t care what’s happening in this parking lot. Let’s go get coffee.” He responded, shaking his head as if becoming aware of what he was doing, “True!” and we proceeded out of the parking lot toward Starbucks. When we rounded the corner I heard “Well Happy Holidays Asshole!”
At the time, I didn’t know what compelled me to turn around and walk back. But I did. She was getting into the car and I said to her, “is there a problem? Do you have another question for us?” She continued to get into her car and roll up the windows. I, an idiot, stood in front of her car yelling “why did you call us an asshole!? Why did you call me an asshole?! There’s a parking space right there? Why did you call me an asshole?” She kept gesturing to me to move out of the way. At this point, I was standing right in front of her vehicle. I was determined to hear her answer. Eventually, she said, “ I wasn’t talking to you!” I gestured to her “ok!” mouthing, “That’s all you had to say,” and walked away. I didn’t make it two feet before I heard a snap and felt pain radiate up my leg. I’d stepped wrong along the sidewalk and sprained my ankle...that I had sprained the year before (and when I was a teenager).
Why does all of this matter and what does it have to do with entitlement and triggers?
Now! You may be interrupting this story in a number of different ways. Keep in mind there are three sides to every story. I will be the first to admit that. You may be concluding that I put my life in danger (as my husband pointed out, she could have hit the gas and killed me at any moment) for no reason, over a dumb parking space and some petty insult that I couldn’t be certain was directed at us. My husband and I feel very strongly, however, her insult was directed at us. She only said it wasn’t to get me out of her way (i believe, she didn’t want to admit that her insult was meritless…. But more on that later). We were the only people in the parking lot.
I needed to tell you this story, to lay out this situation, so that I can illustrate the soul evolution and epiphany that proceeded and how that relates to my conclusions and how I worked through my trigger.
After I snapped my ankle, leaning on a nearby metal post, forcing myself not to cry in public, I hobbled to the Starbucks with my husband close at hand. After I placed my order, the sweet barista who took it gave me some ice as she realized what had happened. While sitting waiting for my coffee, my husband and I talked about what happened, why it happened, and what it meant. The epiphany is in the why.
I immediately, upon sitting and allowing myself to feel the pain and embarrassment that came along with the sprain thought to myself, I failed. I saw the whole situation as a test and I flunked. I just new, in my new age, witchy mind, that I was going to have to start all over, forced to repeat this test again in a few months time, hoping that when it came back around, I wouldn’t “go dark” and lose my temper in public. During this tear-filled realization, I began to vent about why I went back. Why I put my life in danger to insist this woman fess up to why she called us assholes: I was tired. I was tired of humanity! I was tired of people, forcing their entitlements on me and assuming that what they wanted, whether it minor or significant, is my responsibility to oblige. Further, if I choose not to oblige, they feel it okay to insult or punish me for recognizing my right to set boundaries and standing my ground. Further still, not admitting that what they, in fact, were doing, was being selfish enough, entitled enough, to project their desires over another human being. I’ve been seeing this a lot lately. Especially before the holidays. People taking liberties where most civilized and well-mannered individuals would not because they feel they can. Friends, making decisions and imposing plans the way they want them to be, without consideration for the other person involved, their needs, or their plans. I lost my temper. I lost my mind. And said enough is enough. In other words, I was triggered.
Moving through the trigger and understanding what that looks like.
Knowing now that the situation was a trigger and not a test, what then was the test? Recognizing the trigger. Unpacking the trigger. Acknowledging the conclusions that rose up in me as a result of the situation. Would I take the time to recenter and unpack everything? Or would I just wallow and become the victim, ignoring what happened, and move along as if nothing was wrong? This isn’t the first time I’ve lost my emotional resolve as a result of someone else being inconsiderate. Scenarios such as these usually bring me to blackout and hot tears. Why? Because I feel very strongly that no person is better than anyone else and we should not be subject to someone else’s entitled tyranny. The questions I asked myself after naming that trigger: now what? What do I do with this new discovery? How do I move on?
When I got home, I told my husband that I needed to be alone today. I had a lot of things to consider. First and foremost, what does life look like now that I know this trigger is real (in other words, similar situations from my past were not erased because I have found spirituality. Those were not isolated incidents explained away as “I was young and hot-headed”. I really have a sore wound around people, entitlement, and my existence). Second, continuing to breakdown the why: why did I go back? Why did I care? The answers to these questions are simple: I felt it was my responsibility to make her see the wrong in her behavior. Why did I see it was my responsibility? Because I am a healer? Because I’m tired of people and their entitled behavior? Because at some point in my life…..past lives….that was my responsibility and I’m still trying to fulfill that purpose?
I spent time today meditating and journaling on everything. My conclusion was that I am not a healer of many, but a healer of myself. It is not my responsibility to point out to others that they are entitled and inconsiderate, suggesting that they need to work on and unpack those behaviors. As I did it for myself, they need to do the same. People are not my responsibility. A tarot reading later, I realize this is not true. I am a healer and my calling is to be of service to others and support in their healing. I just need to go about it in a different way. I need to understand that I can only go with them so far. I need to learn to detach and release what/who I cannot change when it comes to healing (a post for another day).
Where does my sprained ankle factor in?
In August 2018, right before my bridal shower, I sprained my ankle. It was a message from my spirit guides to slow down. I was doing too much, seemingly distracted, and things were slipping through the cracks. Pay attention was the overall message. I believe the message this time around is similar. Except what they are asking me to pay attention to is the root of my problem: identifying and unpacking this trigger and its subsequent wound. The last time I sprained my ankle I did a lot of rootwork. I didn’t feel secure or grounded or supported. This time around my roots are wounded and I need to tend to them. I wish this didn’t happen. I wish I would have seen the dip in the sidewalk and maybe stopped and thought through the consequences of going back and yelling at the woman, but I didn’t and such is the destiny of my poor left ankle. I’m not sure how much more this ankle can take so I really need to make sure I’m slowing down, paying attention, and considering all the factors involved in a situation (literally and metaphorically).
What is my conclusion around all of what happened and what resulted?
Being triggered is real. They are true indications of wounding present in your life. Don’t ignore them. The test isn’t in the trigger, it is in acknowledging that trigger, unpacking it, and learning from its existence. LIke trauma (a possible cause of a wound connected to a trigger), it takes time to alleviate and heal. In some cases, it may not heal at all. But the awareness and the commitment to working through it is where evolution lives. Evolution is learning how to live with these wounds and show yourself love and compassion throughout the processes.
On our drive home, stuck in traffic that resulted from the accident I mentioned earlier, I said to my husband, “I really hope that woman has a better day.” He mentioned that was big for me to say and I said I meant it. Something was clearly going wrong for her that steamed far beyond that parking lot. It was just unfortunate that our lives and lessons crashed into each other in such away.
