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So what I realised is, that I have a huge issue with failure. My perception of it is black and white; either I get it right 100% or I've failed, no in between at all.

I've spent the past few days tracking back to where I've come from and where I've been and one thing I have narrowed it all down to was the realisation that a lot of my anxiety about life stems from being in this black and white position on wins and losses in life. When I look back at the times I spent as a canoeist, I realised that my drive to win wasn't so much to get better at what I am doing, but rather to try to run from failing at what I was doing. Each win in a race brought about a wave of relief rather than celebration; relief that I have put myself a few steps ahead of failure for a year. It probably explains the amount of burnout I've been feeling of recent. There is only so much mental space you can give to constantly outrunning your fears than facing them. I still remember a race I lost, one which was supposed to be my pet event. I pretty much lashed out really hard on myself, expecting to do even better than I had supposed to, which on hindsight was truly ridiculous - coming in 2nd was already honestly a really big achievement, and I should have celebrated a that small win. This fear of failure takes on many forms and this is perhaps one of it, with the anxiety really adding on to current day - fear of expecting a good design on my first try, fear of asking stupid questions, fear of making mistakes, fear of approaching others for help, fear of not being able to clear your checklist, and etc. And eventually there is only so much running you can do before you realise that failure is part of life, and it's not so much about failing than it is about learning to do things better.

Strangely, recent events have been a wake up call to that; that it is okay to not know things, and to not be sure. I've just been really good at running but eventually the mind and body tires, and it's much easier to just face things.

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210629

I figured it would be good therapy to write what I'm feeling. 30 is one of those ages in life it kinda feels like you need to have everything sorted out by then, but to be honest I still feel like I'm still trying to set my bases. An update to the current day, I've been working for almost 3 years in a job that I have slowly grown to become jaded of, due to poor guidance and a lack of direction. I'm about to quit soon though; it's just a matter of time if I can clear out the case study I need so badly to pass. But this time round, I don't think I'll be jumping into the job market right away, but rather me and Sze Wee are going to attempt to start our own company, Office Of_. I guess it could go both ways, but it's a lot easier to do it now than do it later. I made it to Venice Biennale, but the pandemic has really put an odd spin on things; the 2020 which was supposed to be my year has just really fell flat.

I still have the same anxieties I did in the past, though I'm trying my best to work around it, from Imposter Syndrome to a fear of failure. I might use this old Tumblr to help clear my head while maintaining something to keep track of my chain of thoughts.

Right now though, my main worry is actually leaving a poor impression when I leave the company. While there were things which I would admit are my fault, like poor record keeping and bad time management, there are several things which were really out of my hands, like not knowing what I do not know, and looking for guidance from where there was none. And two projects which have been dragging forever, and a roof terrace one which was badly handled. To be honest I'm worried that my name has been tarnished in some regard, but I'm just very tired. I know it's not me. I know I'm better than that. I'm just very disappointed but I don't really know what to do. I want to take responsibility for my actions, but at the same time I don't feel I'm fully responsible for the mess here; is it me being defensive, or is it truth? I haven't really had space to consider what I need to improve personally, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

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It’s very strange what being at 27 does to you. Sometimes I’m not too sure if it is the country and culture, or if it is just the passage of time; but one thing for sure is that I can’t help feeling like everyone seems to be moving ahead in a clear direction while I’m aimlessly drifting.  So I was thinking about it over the past few days; I think what I am truly interested in is not just architecture. Architecture is just one part of many things I’m interested in making a career, most specifically design and design thinking, spatially and physically as well as conceptually and in other manners. I guess by far this is the only thing I have truly figured out.

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So I figured I needed some space for a bit of introspection and it feels like tumblr is one of those last few possible bastions. Right now 2018 is gearing towards probably the shittiest year ever, with a complete 180 from how I imagined life would progress; and what now what I’ve come to realise is that I’ve probably spent the past few years being utterly lost, and only realising it at this stage in life. I actually can’t believe that it’s almost 10 years since I first started shitposting back in the golden age of blogs, back then I was seemingly sure of what I wanted, now it has started to feel aimless. There are so many things I want to do but at the same time so little time - or what feels like so little time. I want to write, to draw, to design, to create - with my hands or in the digital realm. I wanted success and goals, but somewhere along the way, I think I had so many of them that they overwhelmingly spread my own priorities thin, and created a silent but daunting wall of fear of not succeeding.  So where do we start again I suppose? Maybe I’ll give myself a day or two to think this through. It just feels that there are so many directions and so many thoughts, maybe it would be good to sit down and sort them out once and for all. 

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Onwards to a new chapter

Perhaps its a bit strange, but right now I feel like I’m caught in an in between; between reality and the imaginary mind. With a kind of realisation which feels as though the next stage in life might be a lot more significant than I expected, only to realise maybe a few years down the road that it is just going to be another decision in a life of many paths, much of which we are never meant to know the ends of. It also slightly scares me how the limbo between graduation and work feels slightly aimless, a kind of strange floating sensation of worry and freedom. It scares me a little more too to realise that much of what I am has changed over time, some for the better some for the worse, but to be honest, I hope that in the future maybe I’ll be able to regain back the better parts which I have lost. 

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Don’t think I’ve felt so disappointed in myself ever. 

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As promised to myself, slowly but surely. Digital painting is still as weird as I remembered it to be.

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It’s been a long while and I’m not sure if I remember anyone else here, but it’s a sudden realization that the fragility of memory is something unavoidable and the only way to keep things in track is through any sort of record, be it digital or written. So a quick update; it’s probably been a good 4 to 5 years or so since I’ve properly added anything on here. One more year of being an architecture student before the real world actually beckons. In fact, I’ve got half my foot in it because of the gap year I took to intern and learn, and I have to say, I’m quite relieved that I don’t dread it as much as I worried it would have been. Probably the only thing which I have been bugging me recently is the sudden awareness of the speed of time as life goes forwards. Sometimes it feels as though everything is narrowing down to a few things you should be good at, but truth be told, there are still many things I want to do which I’m really afraid I’ll never get around to doing. Hence, being inspired by Makoto Shinkai’s Kimi No Na Wa, I’ve decided to get around learning how to paint digitally once again, something I have put off for as long as my Wacom has been around: a good 10 years (!) I think.  Another thing though, is how strangely being back in uniform has made time feel a lot more real.  I don’t know, but in an ideal world I would like to think there won’t be need for sleep and you can be good in more than a few things. 

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[lights flashing]

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Late, but hope you like it despite the wrinkles and scratches!

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...an architect is the one who decides the scripts of daily life. Rem Koolhaus

http://revistacentro.org/index.php/koolhaasen/

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A kind of peace.

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Bon Iver was really good. Except, I didn't know almost all the songs except Skinny Love.

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“If you don’t believe in it that much, then you have to find something you believe in; something else. And it doesn’t really matter what it is...” Accurate in more then just architecture.

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Take 103 in Rotterdam last weekend. /jk But we took really long to get this right. Hahaha.

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Tuesday, 17th September 2015

There’s something poignant about checking your bookmarks and clicking a link to your old Tumblr username and realising that a bot has stolen your past identity. Somewhat cheated, somewhat regretful, I kinda wish at times I kept the old username, and the habits that came with it, but of course, those are just little superstitions we believe in. Like how a name empowers you as a person. Sometimes growing older and becoming more “professional” seems like a sad way to go.  I’m actually quite surprised that I have been managing well in Netherlands. I half expected myself to end up thinking about home all the time and the unfamiliarity of the place but strangely, the truth betrays my imagination. At the same time this scares me a little because I’m actually coping well staying alone in an apartment away from most of my other friends on exchange staying together which makes me feel like the odd one out.  Today I went back to the second hand camera shop to take a look at the Olympus Pen D half frame which I was eyeing since I stepped into the place. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a very functional camera with a shutter firing off inconsistently. The Pen F would have been a nice option but a lot more pricey and not as portable as I would have liked it to be. I’m not quite sure why I wanted specifically a half frame camera. Perhaps it’s the option of double the chances, being able to grab the shots which would matter. Or maybe perhaps I just needed a new eye. Either way, I left empty handed. Why does it feel like the days are shorter, Or rather, I haven’t have as much time as I would have liked for myself. It’s a lot better here than in Singapore though. Time wise. 

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Eastern Europe was a great. Will probably post more photos soon. Meanwhile, here’s a cool .gif I made of Nat.