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me dima

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everytime i forget the email to this blog i feel like im experiencing a heart attack

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oh thank god

[heireating]

     BOOK STARTERS VOL.33      ANNIHILATION      JEFF VANDERMEER  

❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜

❛ That’s how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜

❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜

❛ Silence creates violence. ❜

❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜

❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜

❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜

❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜

❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜

❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜

❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜

❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜

❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜

❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜

❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜

❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜

❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜

❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜

❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜

❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜

❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜

❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜

❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜

❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜

❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜

❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜

❛ I think you’re confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they’re very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜

❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜

❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜

❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜

❛ These aren’t decisions. They’re impulses ❜

❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜

❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜

❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜

❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜

[jahrtausend]

that dream can absolute lucid​

❛ eh? hime-chan, i didn’t know you were a philosopher. though, i guess it’s not that surprising. ❜

gojo smiles, teasing. still, there’s an intent look to his gaze. he wonders if anyone else has paid enough attention to notice — if anyone else even has the eyes to see tsuruhime yachiyo for what she is.

it’s like a game for him: trying to get her to admit it. but she has been stubbornly good at evading his efforts, a skill that only makes him more & more certain of his intuition.

❛ wittgenstein said something to that effect, right? — “we are asleep. … our life is like a dream. but in our better hours we wake up just enough to realize that we are dreaming.” from one of his letters to engelmann. ❜

he leans closer to tsuruhime with a suddenly serious expression, letting his round shades slip down his nose-bridge just a little. for a boundless moment, his eyes stare into hers, & then he laughs, smiling again. in the details, a crueler smile — self-assured, holding the world like a plaything in his hands.

❛ have you woken up? ❜

he grins — a sharp curve showing teeth. the clear, blue sky above them darkens, & an artificial tension expands from the center of his presence:

❛ — or have you just been pretending to be asleep this whole time? ❜

then, as if carelessly, gojo half-prances away, twirling on his feet for the sake of it, shifting from one world to another. he pushes his shades back up. the field of his antagonism dissipates as quickly as it came.

❛ ha! say, hime-chan, if we’re all in a dream, what kind of dream am i in? ❜

generally, it goes like this: when there are expectations people have for you, there is a choice to meet or deny them. the trick to mastering this involves past and future interactions with expectations. fail to meet them, and people will be  disappointed. exceed at them, and people will raise the bar higher.

there is a balance, of failing and exceeding, and it’s hard as walking on a tightrope, but yachiyo finds it as easy as breathing. it’s all easy, isn’t it? she finds it fun, even, tricking most people...

—not satoru gojo, of course. he’s an the exception to the rule. always was, always is. satoru-senpai is the best, and he gets what he wants.

what he wants now is the truth. something yachiyo cannot give.

she’ll quietly accept her role of being another exception, then, if only to quench the other’s thirst, just enough for the game to last another day. she hates winning and losing, you know?

‛ that’s something you determine for yourself, senpai. ’     deftly, she evades the bait. is she a philosopher? ignore it entirely. denying will make the act obvious.   ‛ you’re awake, and you can see... ’

‛ and i heard something about being able to control everything when you realize you’re in a dream, but haven’t woken up yet. ’ 

she follows with a lazy step, rubbing her neck.   ‛ ...not exactly sure if it’s true, or relevant. ’

‛ and i don’t wish to impose on you. ’     the concept of those eyes boring into her any more than necessary is cause enough for her to take more precaution. perhaps a bit too much.   ‛ if you suspect something else... ’

yachiyo winces through what was supposed to be an standoffish shrug.

‛ well! i can’t stop you from thinking that. ’

[jahrtausend]

hold on i rebooted everything. yas

[jahrtausend]

hewwo???? HEWWO??????????