C your response to an argument we had on Friday ended with was its unfair that you don't have anything, a place to call your own, a bed to sleep on, a fridge in your kitchen. etc. well my friend, you lost whatever you thought you had when you chose to ignore my feelings, love and our marriage commitment for your own selfish needs. You decided that all on your own, mighty fine decision, that one I might add. So the old saying goes, you made your bed now sleep in it. ironic isn't it.
I don't feel sorry for you, C, not at all. You took everything that was given to you for granted, including your family, what did you think, it will just always be there, even with no effort being put in. Let me tell you - everything, yes everything that fills these walls, including the walls, I have worked long and very hard for. Every cent and purchase was made by my hand, every wall painted and every room decorated, every smile cracked, every toy played with, every pot scrubbed and every plate filled with food. You've had all this and more given to you for nothing (maybe that's the problem, you've never had to work for it) but now that you have to work for it you're having a hard time. Well boo hoo, life is tough. Its a lesson you in your 45 years has never had to learn. Its a pity it didn't come earlier.
I do however feel sorry and extremely sad for the children, their father, doesn't seem to care. if you did you wouldn't feel like you were filling a duty by pitching up here on the days you are meant to and then only for the shortest while possible, brushing them off for who knows what reason. What could be more important than your children?
You know you talk about fairness, well is it fair that this last 42 nights I've had to watch our youngest cry herself to sleep, is it fair that that our eldest asks questions I have no way of answering? is it fair that when you do visit you rush off the minute they are ready for bed leaving utter chaos behind, is it fair that J, smilie, cries the minute she wakes up and has taken to sleeping in my bed since you left, is it fair now that N, boo, is doing the same, is it fair that they are so excited to see you they won't eat, listen to a word I say or go to bed when they should, that the next morning all hell breaks lose. Is it fair that all their expenses, their washing, their school activities, their happiness is resting on my shoulders. You tell me, whats fair in this situation, sir.
This entire situation stinks. I tried to tell you that on Friday but you wouldn't listen, you only heard what you wanted.
Thinking back to the weekend that was yours last, for once you surprised me and chose to take the kids camping - My jaw literally dropped. wow. the C I know would've said I'm going camping, sorry I can't take the kids, I thought, you know, this is going to work out fine. He does care. I was so delightfully surprised. I defended you to many, your family and mine. but that was very short lived the C I come to know over the past five plus years came back this weekend. : ( I have known you for over 17 years, the problem with that is C I know you have two sides its really a pity you let the selfish i'll be what and whomever i want to be tonight one win over the father, family loving man you had always dreamed you wanted and were going to be.
Sadness engulfs my heart again. Again you you put you first. So much for missing them. So much wanting to spend all the time you can with them. All they seem to get is some guy spending time with them because he feels like he is meant to or because some paper tells him he needs to be here at 18:00 on Thursdays and 18:00 Friday till 18:00 on Sunday every 2nd weekend (which roughly translated to you is whenever I fit them into my plans). I would love to know what was so damned more important than your own kids? I mean really what were you doing ten minutes ago at 9:10 while Smilie was still up crying next to me?
You know you said something to me on Friday which really got me thinking and coming to this conclusion - and if you don't know what that is here's a reminder " if i knew that you were planing to go out I would've made other arrangements, and come baby sit them for you!" - you said this rather annoyed'ly. All truth spoke in jest. well you said it all in that one sentence. There is a multitude of wrongness in that sentence. I ask you this question? Do you want to spend time with your children because you miss them and genuinely want to see them or is it because you feel like you are doing me a favor by baby sitting them? I mean you never call not even to say goodnight. You didn't even do that while we were away for Christmas, the only time you did call was like two days before we came home. You know you never even ask me what they doing at school or how they are coping at home. I tell you some of the stuff, but I get the feeling you don't really want to know, from now on if you don't ask I'm not saying. You don't know the half of it anyway.
Please tell me if I'm wasting my time trying to keep our children's father still in their lives, or if you are not genuinely interested or you have better things to do with your time then tell me now for their own good. So far your actions aren't doing anyone any favors. This last weekend you were meant to be with them for 48 hours which was cut to roughly 8. Need i say more.
On a more selfish level do you think I just sit at home waiting for you to bring the kids home. I have tones i want and need to do, the fact that i don't do them on your time line has nothing to do with you. I don't ask you what you do on the 11 out of 14 days you have free. I have made and have had to cancel plans this and previous weekends - why - so you can do what you want - sorry that was the last time. I too would like to meet someone and move on with my life, like you have with yours, but how am i supposed to do that when you're so selfish with yours, I ask to please give me the same curtsy and let me have those 3 maybe 4 nights off. I mean C you have 11 out of 14. Out of the last 42 days I've had 2 full days and another 2 nights off. talk about fairness. really?
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