I wish there was a word or term to describe that panicked/happy/afraid sensation of having to correct someone when they gender you correctly bc youre not out and/or around people who can't know. It's a crushing series of emotions
That feeling of being at a cracker barrel with 3 married, white-picket fence, southern women and the waitress comes up to start getting drink orders. She gets to you and the waitress calls you sir. And you freeze. There's half a dozen things You want to do. You want to smile, you want to greet her back, you want to order a coffee, and look back to your menu.
But that's not how it goes. Because nobody knows, you barely know. All you know is how good that 3 letter word feels. Deep in your bones. You haven't grasped the implications of that feeling.
But no matter how nice that initial feeling is, it is IMMEDIATELY smothered by panic and fear. Because these women gasp, ready to "stand up" for you. To feel sorry for you. And you remember 'oh shit. This is supposed to be embarrassing. I should be mad at being called sir, or defensive, or sad, or...something like that right?'
But for reasons you can't understand, in that instant, you're none of those things.
You're warm, youre comfortable. For the first time in you cant remember when, you feel seen. This woman doesnt know you. She doesn't know your story. She saw your short hair and assumed. Soon enough, you'll start talking, or look at her with your large eyes, and soft face, and she'll backpedal.
And now she's standing there trying to apologize. When she doesn't know how much it meant. Or how desperately you want to stand up from your wobbly, uneven table. To look at her and say,
"No. That's right. That's always been right. Don't ever take it back."
You cling to the fading warmth that 'Sir' left in your bones,
You stay numb to the "ma'ams" being thrown at you,
You smile through her awkward apology you don't want her to make,
And you order your coffee.
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