James Potter

Bighead Boy

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Evasion

[jamesprotter-blog]

quillofrjlupin:

Sometimes Remus was sure every single weight he carried on his shoulders would completely crush him on some literal level.  That it would make his bones snap and muscles fray, blood vessels bursting and collapsing until he was nothing but bone and gristle.  He hated how he could be so furious at James and so almost fondly befuddled by him at the same time.

The rage was still pulsing though his veins, Remus felt it most prominently at his temples, making what could have been just a dull headache into something furious and destructive.  But there was the weariness too, that part of him that wanted to embrace James for every sweet naive thought he had even if they were all so, so wrong. This is why I worry about you, Prongs, he wanted to say, You have no idea that someone that you love can hurt you. Because it was just that.   That he could think that just because Remus is his friend he couldn’t do anything to hurt him.  Remus knew that wasn’t how it worked, and he’d been trying to instill some sort of sense of reality in James, in all of them, from the beginning, but it had always been too much fun, really.  Bounding around in the forest with the carefree minds of animals, having a rebellious sort of fun where nothing bad seemed possible and there was just freedom and joy.  

Maybe Remus had fallen prey to that kind of innocent thinking himself too, and only being faced with being so close to someone who didn’t know, who didn’t have the same sort of protection that the Marauders had, made him realize how foolish he’d been to think for even a few moments that he was safe.  He would never be safe.

"You’re an idiot, James, you really…the very worst kind,” Remus sighed, mostly to himself because he had to tell the universe.  He had no hopes that James would actually take it to heart and perhaps learn something.  "I wish you would be scared.  Even if it was just a little,“ Remus continued, his voice catching in his throat.  "Just some small indication that someone else…” He stopped and closed his mouth, because he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to end that thought, and honestly didn’t want to delve too deeply into it.

Marlene, he was sure, wouldn’t be scared either.  Not because she had any sort of delusions about the danger he could be to himself and to her, but because she wouldn’t care, that little pull of self-destructive darkness in her as surely as it was in him.  It made Remus wonder if he’d been fighting his friends all these weeks because he really wanted to fight with her, to show her all the reasons he couldn’t be all those things they never talked about, but then it would require talking about those things and Remus thought perhaps she wanted to do that about as much as he did.  Which was not at all.  

Remus took a breath and let his attention drift to James again, trying to button Marlene McKinnon back up into that special untold place in his mind, even if she never stayed there.  "You have such potential to be an excellent human being when you aren’t shoving any extremity you can up your own ass,“ Remus replied almost demurely, the hint of a smirk starting to form on his face.

"Instinct,” Remus couldn’t help but mutter under his breath, a sneer starting to slide over his face again, that slightly soothed anger starting to kick up again.  "And I think I’ve made it very clear that you don’t know a thing about her and your opinion on the matter isn’t something I’m interested in.“  It was grudging, this sort of quasi-acceptance from James, and it rubbed Remus in exactly the wrong way, like a gritty sandpaper on the inside of his skull.  "She’s more than just decent, Prongs,  you really don’t know her at all.  I wish-”  Remus stopped and trailed off again, a slightly frustrated sigh on his lips.  

“I could,” he said after what felt like a long moment, and Remus had no idea why he felt so compelled to say it to James, but he didn’t know how to talk to Sirius about it or just didn’t want to, and he felt like perhaps he should tell someone…  Remus let his teeth press against the inside of his cheek for a moment.  "I could feel that way about her.  But I can’t.  I won’t.  And I’m…mourning all the things I can’t have.  I appreciate that you think you’re helping, but I really….it’s not.  Helping.“ It was all jumbled and not making much sense, but he prayed to God that James understood at least a little of it, because Remus didn’t know if he could say it again. "You can sing my praises all you want, but you know that there are very specific limitations I have to live my life by and I won’t force them on someone else.  Not like that.”  Remus let out a harsh little laugh.  "And a very large part of me still wants to wring your neck for even thinking a single disparaging thing about her.“

James dug his thumb into the fleshy part of his palm. Fucking Marlene McKinnon. James had accepted, that, for the moment, she was the lesser part of the two evils, but he still hated her every time Remus looked at him like he was alien, separate, untrustworthy. Who was this girl, that she could just waltz into his life and take everything James ever needed? He hated her, and Remus for liking her, and Sirius for starting this whole mess anyway. 

He felt like he was walking on water, and every step he took it lurched under him and he thought, desperate, that he was going to fall in. He’d even admitted that she could be decent enough, hung up his white flag, and that wasn’t even enough for him. Well fuck you, Remus, he thought, uncharitably. Fuck you for ditching your friends for a girl you’ve just met, for thinking that stupid words I might’ve said justify ruining seven years of loyalty, for looking me in the eye and saying you want to wring my neck and leaving me here stretching for words in empty space, fuck you, I saved your life! And yet this is where we stand.

He took a short breath in through his nose instead and focused. You only have one friend left, he reminded himself, don’t blow it. 

So James coughed, awkward, and looked to the side. 

“Right.” James paused, opened his mouth, and couldn’t find any of the right words to say. Remus was acting like he was some kind of martyr, like nobody else understood him and fine, maybe that was true but only because he didn’t try and explain it. And it wasn’t forcing - nobody forced James and Sirius and Peter to become Animagi for him. People didn’t suffer his presence, it wasn’t a burden, even though it was a struggle to watch their friend purposely make himself sad because he couldn’t imagine deserving to be any other way. 

But James couldn’t say these things to Remus, not now. He’d tried, but he didn’t care, and it wasn’t helping, because of course Remus didn’t want his help or need his help anymore and so fine, he wouldn’t. 

“Right. Well, live your life that way, I guess, then. But you should - think about it. I know you’re stubborn,” he half-smiled, more instinctual than anything, “but people have the right to make their own choices. And sometimes that choice is suffering with you.”

He shrugged. He was so tired - he wanted to stand on solid ground again, to feel firm on the unshakeable bedrock of his friends beneath his feet, he wanted Sirius back, like things had used to be. 

“Anyway. I think I’ll leave now, I have to, go to the, check up on the first years. Lily started this new policy of having head meetings with each group of first years once a month, make sure they were settling in, and all, and she’ll kill me if I don’t show up.”

James got up off the bed and stuffed all his things in his bag haphazardly, trying not to look at Remus.

[regvlvs-arctvrvs-blog]

Hide and Seek [James]

He’d had to figure something out. It was the only reason to be out this early on a Saturday morning, particularly when it was beginning to grow colder. Team practices were never scheduled before ten in the morning, and so he felt safe heading out at seven in order to get some flying time in. He wouldn’t get very much, but if he really focussed he could probably manage to catch the snitch a couple of times before he’d have to make himself scarce. It truly wasn’t fair. The Slytherin team, along with losing four of their players had also apparently lost their weekly pitch time as a result. The other houses seemed to have taken it upon themselves to divide their time amongst themselves, and that did not sit right with Regulus. It was like they didn’t expect them to rebuild the team from what they had left, and had decided they wouldn’t be playing for the cup.

Not if he had anything to say about it. He’d already mentioned it in passing to Professor Slughorn, who had muttered something about looking into alternatives before carrying on. And really in the grand scheme of things it didn’t matter whether or not he got to play quidditch. He did have much more important things to worry about, but he enjoyed the game. He loved every second he spent on the pitch, and he didn’t want to give that up. In another lifetime he would have loved to have been a professional player, but that wasn’t very likely to ever be a part of this reality. If anybody else had known that, they certainly wouldn’t blame him for at least wanting to play as long as he could.

He didn’t waste time in the Slytherin lockers, only really headed in to grab his broom and protective gear. He didn’t bother with the team robes they were supposed to wear when they practiced - he didn’t want to draw any spare attention to himself. He didn’t want anyone to catch sight of a solitary snake and decide to take advantage. He was not about to open himself up to an attack like that. The only thing he wanted to open was the chest that contained the school set of balls, but they weren’t in the storage closet. He’d even gone so far as to look in the other teams lockers, but still had no luck. Were things so bad now that the captains were hiding them?

Really, it was pathetic that that was even the direction that his mind took, but he wouldn’t have been completely surprised by it. It was likelier to be entirely unmalicious than it was to be some kind of personal attack, but that didn’t make it feel any less like one. He could have charmed a rock to do the same job, but it was never as effective, nothing was quite like the snitch, and he was never one to really settle. It was this that brought him out onto the pitch itself, broom in hand as he started to search around the base of the stands. He really didn’t care what it looked like he might be doing - he wasn’t expecting to see anyone out here for at least another couple of hours anyways.

[jamesprotter-blog]

James had come outside to fly.

The weather was chilly, although the earliest sun rays were shining relatively cheerily and glinting off the wet grass. It was a remarkably summer-y day for October in Scotland, and probably one of the last truly fine days for flying. As a rule, James believed that windier, wetter days were better for practice - if you learn in the worst of conditions, after all, you’d be prepared for anything. (His team, of course, hated going back to the lockers sopping wet and muddy, and were fond of calling him insane for insisting on it. Sirius had always been the ringleader, then, as he fake-seriously informed James he’d become a straight-laced stick-in-the-ass… he’d probably been jealous, James thought, a little more spitefully than he intended, jealous that James had been chosen as Captain and he wasn’t, even though they’d both been on the team for three years, now…)

Nice days like these, though, were good for relaxing and letting his mind wander. It made you appreciate flying for its own sake, rather than for the thrill of the game, and by now James knew the Quidditch pitch so well that he could fly laps with his eyes closed while singing Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts. Which meant that it gave him lots of time to think.

He’d woken up early this morning, while all the others were still asleep in their beds, or at least pretending to, and left. Things between him and Remus were still tense, and he and Sirius were alternatively ignoring each other and yelling furious insults across hallways at each other’s backs, so the dorms were a rather awkward affair. (As for Peter, well, James hadn’t talked to him, but seeing as he and Sirius were attached at the hip, now, he assumed he knew all about what had happened. Not that James particularly wanted to talk to him, seeing as he’d pretty much stolen his best friend. And could bloody well keep him, now, too, James thought.) It was easier just to leave.

He’d wandered down the corridors to the broom closet and swiped his broom before quickly making his way outside. The grounds were deserted this early in the morning, which was perfect because James wasn’t exactly in a people mood. James made a quick decision and headed off in the direction of the Quidditch pitch, repeating over and over the last angry thing Sirius had yelled at him, before Charms yesterday. (Who did he bloody think he was? Lily was off-limits, and that was private, he’d had no right to loudly make fun of it in front of the class… or to call him Bighead Boy). James squinted angrily into the distance, and scowled.

Regulus Black. James recognized his distinctly neat black hair and the way he puffed up his chest from 200 meters. James had never liked Regulus, the small, conniving little snake always colored by Sirius’ stories and James’ unshakeable hatred for the Black family. James headed his way, lengthening his stride and letting his broom slip a little over his shoulder. He’d changed his mind; he was in the perfect mood to confront Regulus Black.

“Dropped your wand, Black?”he called out, casually. “I could help you look. After all, we wouldn’t want you to start flying without a nice cushioning charm on the ground."

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Evasion

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

What was almost more infuriating than everything else was the fact that James was still talking like he knew better, as if Remus was being the irrational one.  He felt a little irrational just then, feeling the raised hair on the back of his neck, wolf growling in the back of his head, crouched and ready.  But that was all inside, or contained in the clenched fists at his sides, nothing outward.  Everything there was logic and reason, all of his experience weighed against James Potter’s petty stereotypes.  If it had been against anyone else, Remus would have rolled his eyes and just ignored it until James had worn himself out. 

But he couldn’t do that with Marlene.  She was far too important.  He couldn’t put his finger exactly on why, just that she’d brought out a light inside of him that he hadn’t thought existed before. All he was entirely sure of was that she made him better in this indefinable but monumental way.  She was everything he wanted and feared in one blonde haired, blue-green eyed package.  Every hallmark of a traditional beauty and so much more underneath.  He wanted to believe she could take care of herself, and she could to some extent.  But then he’d think of the bones poking out of her skin, and always, more haunting, the remembrance of the impression of the knob of her spine against the palm of his hand.  She was strong, yes, but weak too.  And needed to be protected. Remus was a piss-poor excuse for a knight in shining armor, but he still couldn’t hold back.  Not even from one of his closest friends.

Whatever momentary relaxation insulting James had given him, Remus felt his fists clench right back up when James presumed to know anything about what he was capable of. What he was.  It was a cold kind of fury, not violent.  Just icy.  Something that froze him internally and made him feel like perhaps cutting himself off from everyone would always be the right choice, because even those that knew couldn’t understand.   He was froze, at least until the word ‘bitch’ dropped from James’s lips.

Then his body was moving before he gave it license to, and before he really had any cognizant decision to do so.  The way the wolf was always there, the strength was too, muted in this form, but still there.  He had James’s shoulders in his hands and his thumbs pressed hard against the strong artery on either side of James’s neck, and he could feel a feral sort of look on his face.  Not a smile or a grimace but something terrible in between, knowing if he pressed his thumbs down hard enough, James would slump to the floor, all the blood flow cut off from his brain.    He nearly did too, but just stood there, far to close, and breathing hard and angry and trying to hear over the rush of his own blood in his skull.

“Don’t you dare,” Remus said almost softly, the growl there at the back of his throat, making the words rough and cutting, “Don’t you dare presume to know what it’s like being what I am.  It may look like a few days a month to you lot, but you have-”  Remus took a harsh breath and felt his teeth grind together.  "It’s always here, James, and it would really love to rip your throat out right now.  So don’t…don’t you dare tell me that the fact that I’ve never hurt someone doesn’t mean I will.  Right now I rather think I’d like to.“  

Remus had no idea what he was doing, this wasn’t how he talked, this wasn’t how he acted and this definitely wasn’t something he did.  It was all the dark, angry parts of him coming to light all at once, and he felt his thumbs press down just a little harder, feeling the blood flow start to diminish just a little under his fingers.  "You won’t speak about her like that again.  You don’t know her, and frankly I don’t want you to, since you’ve proven yourself to be the worst kind of bigot, the kind that makes a good show pretending they aren’t.  Have whatever ludicrous opinions about her that you want, but I won’t hear it.”

Remus released James then and stumbled back a few steps, blinking hard and looking down at his hands like he wasn’t exactly sure what had just happened.  He wasn’t really.  He knew on a logical level, that he’d really just been threatening to knock out his friend in the most unobtrusive way imaginable, and he while he felt a little horrified at himself, he didn’t really feel what he felt the proper amount of guilt would be.  

“Marlene is important to me,” he said, surprised he had the courage to look James in the eye at that point, but there was too much fury for any sort of remorse to set in just yet.  "And if you were being a loyal friend, as you so causally suggest I’m not, you would let me tell you why and not assume that I’ve got some sort of…hero complex or I’ve managed to be blinded by a pretty face. You presume to know me so well and you really think that I’d want to spend that much time with someone who fits your pretty little stereotype of what a Slytherin is?“  

He thought of mentioning Marlene’s future career goals, but stopped himself.  James didn’t deserve to know that Marlene intended to fight against all the things James thought she was. That was something between the two of them, and whatever James thought, Remus was loyal.  He’d just never had his loyalties clash so insanely before.  

Remus felt exhausted all of a sudden and dropped back to sit on the edge of the bed and put his face in his hand.  He felt unbelievably old for a seventeen year old again, like he’d lived too many lifetimes just this year alone.  "You have nothing to worry about James, I won’t go off romancing her,” he said, though it had stung, hadn’t it, when the words 'in love’ had dropped from James’s lips.  "Not that it gives you any right to judge her or me for wanting to be her friend.“  He took another breath then and  bit hard at his lower lip, trying to get the pain to distract himself away from any rising emotion.  "I won’t subject anyone to dealing with…my disease,” he said, tasting the word like poison in his mouth, something about that word choice of James hurting too, even though Remus was sure he’d used it himself at some point.  "She…everyone.  Everyone deserves better than that.“  

"You see, James,” he said, and there was a rueful smile on his lips when he turned his head up to look at him, “you like to condemn Slytherins for perhaps having too large an association with dark magic.  But me?  I am dark magic.  Either you’re letting your own affections getting in the way of properly judging me, or your bias against them is a crock of shit based on rumors and a handful of bad people.  If you wanted to judge all werewolves by the same token, we wouldn’t be friends, and you know it.”

[jamesprotter-blog]

All the bitterness released from James as he heard his friend describe the way the wolf made him feel, the way he thought of himself. Oh, Remus. It hurt, to be called a bigot so dispassionately from one of his best friends, to feel the way his hands had tensed around his throat - James hadn’t feared Remus then, never, but he’d wondered, suddenly, feeling very far away from his body and the blood rushing beneath Remus’ fingertips, how they’d gotten here, how they’d reached a point so precarious - Remus had said he'd wanted to kill him, to rip his throat out, and James knew he never would because he trusted Remus with his life but Merlin, how had he fucked things up so badly?

And yet none of that mattered as he watched his friend sit down on the bed again, looking defeated and tired and so done with dealing with the world - with James, even, who’d always prided himself on his ability to make Remus and Sirius- (Sirius) laugh, no matter what the letters from home said. And self-deprecating, always so self-deprecating, Remus Lupin, so much so that James couldn’t help but put Marlene McKinnon aside to deal with darker demons.

“Remus,” he said, but gingerly, now, carefully stepping on the fraying tightrope of their friendship and watching Remus’ face tauten. “Remus, it’s different and you know it. You don’t deserve any of what’s happened to you, and none of it is your fault. You can’t control it - it’s not a choice, Remus, and even if it was, there’s a world of difference between a Slytherin boy who wakes up in the mornings and chooses to cast a dark spell and you waking up every morning and choosing to fight, to fight and control a fucking dark creature.

“You had your hands around my neck, right now. We both know you could’ve killed me if you wanted to. I won’t even deny that I probably deserved some of it. But I also know that you’d never do it.” He took a step closer to his friend. “It’s not that I know you won’t hurt someone because you haven’t, in the past. I know because I know you, and you’re one of the gentlest, bravest people I know, brave enough to fight a monster every day of every month of every year, and never give up, never pick the easy route. That’s why I wasn’t scared, and never will be, when you had your hands wrapped around my neck, because I know you and I trust you and I think you’re a pretty excellent human being.”

James must’ve given this speech twenty times over the course of their friendship, and each time it got longer, a little more desperate. Each time he stared a little harder into the dark honey-brown of Remus’ eyes, and tried to make him understand.

it was so simple to James. Remus was a hero, and a true Gryffindor, and deserved all the happiness life had to offer, clearly, so clearly that it was almost impossible for him to imagine how Remus didn’t get it. But James was born lucky, into a world where everything he ever needed and wanted had been there for him to pluck, where morality was black and white because it didn’t need to be anything else. James knew, objectively, that the Blacks were Sirius’ family and that meant something, but he also knew that they were horrible people and didn’t deserve him, and that Sirius was better off ditching them. James knew, objectively, that Remus had grown up thinking he was worthless and inhuman and it had left a very real impact, but it still seemed so obvious to him, that of course Remus was good and light and brave. It was simple, to him, to shove Remus and the werewolf into two very distinct boxes, completely separate except by unfortunate happenstance, but then again, he wasn’t shoving himself into two different boxes, was he. It was altogether different when the perspective came from inside your head.

James sat down on his own bed again, on the side facing Remus, a foot and a million unspoken issues between them.

“Remus, I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t like her, whether it’s because of …prejudice, or instinct, or whatever.” It still hurt, what Remus had said, like a knife between his ribs, aching more insistently with every breath he took to ignore it. Things with Remus wouldn’t be the same for a while - there was trust that had been broken there, on his part and on Remus’ too, probably, (James had bet his friend’s future feelings against his rights and yeah, maybe there was a better way he could’ve gone about it, although he couldn’t see how yet) - but for now this was more important. “But if she really, really makes you happy, then you should still try. You should always try.” He thought of Lily, suddenly, and how things had improved, even through the fights and the eye-rolls and the name-calling. "Besides, she has a right to have a chance, too. And if she really is … interesting… enough to make you happy, to be given friendship, then she’s got to be decent enough to realize you’re worth liking in your entirety, disease and all,” he went for a smile, again, but let it falter, quickly, unsure whether it had been long enough for the things they’d said to cool and something new grow over it.

“In any case, Moony, you’re not alone. Okay? I know we can’t be there for you all the time, and there are moments when we can’t reach you, but I want you to know that we’ll always help you deal with your disease, in any small way we can, and you’re not alone. There’s a more important meaning to being a Marauder than just hating Slytherins,” he said, wrily.

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Evasion

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Remus knew James was a bit of a prat.  He’d always known that, and had always forgiven him for it too, because it all seemed rooted in some boyish ignorance and not in any real malice. He’d frown on some of the things he got up to, of course, but he let most of it float by without a word, because it was just James and James was that way, and you just hoped he’d mature at some point.

He’d never really been faced with having James in all his occasionally callous glory direct all of that idiocy at him, though, and was starting to understand why everyone wanted to smack James across the face a majority of the time.  

Remus was silent at first, when James started talking, something in his throat clenching hard at the tone of his voice, like he was some disapproving authority figure who was just doling out some tough love for his own good.  Which was frankly the most ridiculous thing ever.  Marlene had been one of the only good things in his life for awhile now and he felt his fingers start to curl menacingly against his palms.  "She’s not fake,“ he cut out when James seemed to pause for a breath, and the words dropped from his lips all jagged and strangely calm.  Not angry yet, but ready to stab, if the situation called for it.  "You don’t even know a thing about her other than the fact that she’s in Slytherin, and you just decided that was how she was, because you’re a bigot.  A house bigot,” Remus added, even if that wasn’t the right word, but he was starting to get angry and that always made it harder for him to find the right words for things.  And it just made him angrier.

Even with his temper rising, Remus let out a strange dark sort of laugh when James said he’d had a conversation with Marlene and they pissed each other off.  "Oh well, then, must wash my hands of her.  Can’t associate with anyone you’ve ever been pissed at, would only exclude 80 percent of the school’s student population and all of the professors.“  There was bitterness now too, not cutting the anger like his joy was sometimes cut in half by his guilt, but adding to it, making it all bigger and brighter and harder to control.  

James was going to use one bloody conversation to tear Marlene down into little pieces like he knew a thing about her.  Remus had been with her nearly every evening for over a month, and he could barely profess to know her, but he knew enough.  Knew her to be guarded but kind, with a strange sort of sweetness and innocence under all the layers of pain she’d erected around herself.  He knew her to be funny and smart and well read, talent and charm just pouring from her for anyone that stood around long enough to watch.  Far from cold and calculating and manipulative, she was protecting herself as much as Remus told his lies and half truths to protect himself from all of the awful little things the world had laid out to trip them up.  

Something about James smiling at him shocked Remus out of his thoughts, and made his own sour expression deeper on his face, and Remus realized how clenched his fits had become, nails digging hard into his palms.  The pain was good though, and brought him back to himself a little.  "You had one conversation with her and you know everything there is to know, do you?” Remus said, his voice low and but deceptively absent of emotion, as if he were reading something off a script.  "Of course, I should weigh your experience above mine, the great James Potter, famous for knowing a thing or two about the ladies. Know them so well, you’ve been chasing after the same one since the beginning of time with no success, obviously I should trust your judgement of the situation.“  

Remus took a breath and tried to unclench is fists but found he couldn’t, and looked down at them, so he didn’t do anything too rash.  "Couldn’t be that Marlene may have been acting differently around you because you hate all Slytherins on sight, or the fact that you let your preconceived notions about people affect how you treat them.”  He let out a harsh breath, almost a laugh. “You are so bloody blind Prongs, its a wonder you manage to do anything at all.”  

He hated how James was talking as if he and Marlene were some sort of item, and he hated how it made all those strange feelings he didn’t want to think about kick up in his chest, fluttering about all bright and easy in a strange counterpoint to the growing fury.  Which only made him madder.  Remus did not want to date Marlene McKinnon.  He didn’t.  "It’s impossible anyway,“ he said, not really realizing he was speaking out loud until he was too late.  It just made him more flushed and in desperation he stood up, crossing to the opposite side of the room away from James, because for a moment, all he really wanted to do was hit him.  He stopped when he was about ten feet away and turned to fix James with a dark sort of stare and finally said, "Fuck you, James Potter, if you had any goddamn clue in your head you’d know she was too good for me.  If anyone’s getting hurt by anything its going to be her.”  Remus finally felt one of his fists, relax just a little, and he allowed himself a small breath of relief.  "Ignorant ass.“

[jamesprotter-blog]

“Moony, don’t be ridiculous,” James snapped, then forced himself to take a deep breath. He wasn’t trying to get angry at his friend, not now, no matter what Remus had said. He didn’t really mean it, anyway, he was just understandably upset that he was talking about the girl he liked that way, and he’d come around, later. Instead, James focused on what Remus had said, on replying calmly and making him see sense.

“Listen to yourself. Are you honestly - Remus. Remus, I don’t know why you live under the delusion that you’re somehow any less than the rest of us just because -“ James paused, remembering the way people had overheard his last argument in the dorms - “just because you’re sick a few days a month, alright? And I don’t know how it got so bad that you think you have to settle for a Slytherin, but it’s not true. There is nothing wrong with you, you have never hurt a soul in your life, and you never will, because you’re a decent person and deserve as much happiness as any of the rest of us.” James didn’t stop to make a point, just kept steamrollering on, hoping that his words would stick.

“That’s why you shouldn’t get carried away with this girl. Because you deserve to be happy, and loved, not the plaything of some bored bitch!” James paused, breathing a little heavier, and looked over his friend. Remus looked volatile, tense, his eyes darkened in fury. He knew he wasn’t getting through, that Remus would just dismiss his words as those of some kind of pureblooded bigot and continue panting after fucking Marlene McKinnon. So James switched tacks.

“Have you thought about where any of this going? You carry on with this girl, for a month behind our backs, and keep going, even, and then, okay, you’re happy and in love and you tell her, because you think she’s perfect and amazing and eternal. And then what? I know how purebloods treat - those with your disease! It’s disgusting Remus, and even if she’s not utterly horrible about it, can you trust her to keep your secret? What if you guys fight, or break up, and then for revenge or ambition or just plain malice she decides its not worth hiding anymore?” James kept going, the words rushing out his mouth like a tidal wave, rising up, precariously balanced in the air, hanging in the moment before the crash.

“You know what, Remus, yeah, I don’t know her, and I don’t like her, and I don’t like Slytherins, and it’s for a reason! There’s a culture, there, a culture that teaches its members to think they’re better than others because they’ve been rich and magical and privileged for generations, now. People who’ve been born lucky and not only don’t understand those who aren’t, but actively dislike them for it. A culture which justifies killing, and dark magic, and physical retribution just because someone was born different - and you don’t have to execute it yourself to proliferate it! Slytherins cast dark magic on third year Hufflepuffs in the hallways and get away with it, because their classmates claim they never saw anything. To lie to save the skin of a criminal, people who want to join Voldemort. And then there’s the way that they act, like every single conversation is an exercise in proving you’re not worthy of their time. And yeah, sure it’s not universal, but it’s pretty damn near close, isn’t it?”

This should be obvious, James thought, angry and frustrated. People who sit on their wands and let atrocities happen are just as bad as those who cast the spell. Snape and his little band of crony death eaters - there was a reason they were still at Hogwarts, despite what happened to Mary MacDonald last spring. Or little Noella Birchbottom two months earlier. And Remus knew this, James knew he did - he hated pureblood prejudice as much as any of them, had never said a serious word against their pranks on the Slytherins. Even had the idea himself, sometimes, James thought, thinking of when they charmed the Slytherin Quidditch team’s uniforms. And yet, something had changed, now, and James couldn’t help but blame it on Marlene McKinnon, this cold blonde snake, who’d somehow gotten to Remus, and Sirius, and turned their loyalties upside down.

“I’m trying to help you, give advice, like friends do, not 'order you around', Remus, Merlin! And if you don’t get that, well, maybe you should review what friendship is about, then, huh? Go over loyalty, some, see if it strikes a cord any,” James said, finally snapping, as he felt his grip on his last friend slipping from his grasp.

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Evasion

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Remus sort of knew he was in trouble from the moment James didn’t laugh at his babbling. It wasn’t really something he could control, when his mouth started to get away from him, it just happened, but at least he could rely on it to make people laugh either in amusement or because they felt bad for him, and generally when people were laughing, it was a good thing.  A sign that maybe things weren’t going to go all that awfully.

But James didn’t laugh, and looked more serious than a James Potter should ever look.  It made Remus wince a little, running his hand over his face as if that would do anything to turn back time.  It didn’t.  It never did, but Remus held on to some strange sort of hope that maybe someday it would.  

Remus let out a heavy sigh, and didn’t let himself look up at James for what felt like a very, very long moment.  He was often a fan of silence, but right now it was weighing heavily on him, oppressive rather than relieving.  Like it might smother him, and honestly Remus couldn’t find himself minding.  He was already swirling with a combination of negative thoughts from his conversation with Sirius and James studying him like he had become some kind of zoo exhibit made him feel like perhaps being smothered wouldn’t be exactly the worst thing.

Still, he was holding out some kind of hope that James wouldn’t mention anything, and he could pretend that that whole ‘Remus spending time with Marlene McKinnon’ thing would drift into the atmosphere and disappear.  But that was expecting to much, and he ducked his head even before James finished talking.

“We’re not dating,” Remus said first, his voice cracking just a little.  He wanted to sound like the idea was ridiculous, but it didn’t feel ridiculous.  It felt…something.  Lupin, you’re an idiot.  "We’re friends.  She’s really-  I know you have this ridiculous notion that everyone sorted into Slytherin is inherently evil, which is frankly the most idiotic-“  He took a breath, since he noticed that his voice was rising, and he really didn’t need to start yelling at James.  "I don’t know why that has to be a problem.  She’s…Marlene is…I…”  He trailed off, a sound of frustration coming from him, quiet and earnest.  "I like her,“ he said finally, so quiet he didn’t even know if James could hear it.

[jamesprotter-blog]

James frowned. Remus was such an idiot. Well not an idiot, of course, because his friend was one of the smartest, nicest people James knew, but then again that was exactly the point. Remus was entirely too nice, too idealistic, too proper perfect prefect to realize the nastiness lurking beneath the pretty surface of Marlene McKinnon. Or maybe he was simply too head over heels.

“Look, mate,” he said, searching for the right way to frame the words, to blunt the impact and help Remus understand. “Moony. Look. You like her. That’s fine, great, even, understandable, really. She’s pretty, certainly, witty I guess, charming.” He wrinkled his nose, remembering their conversation on the grounds. “But she’s still a Slytherin. She’s cunning, and manipulative, and very fake - “ he cut off, looking at Remus’ face and getting the sense his words weren’t making an impact.

Ugh. How could he make his friend understand? Of course Remus wanted to believe the best of the girl he was infatuated with. James did, too. Remus hadn’t had many romantic relationships at Hogwarts, and James knew his friend felt like he was unworthy, as if his furry little problem made him somehow not deserving of love or affection. If it were any other girl, James would’ve been all for it, would’ve tracked down the girl to scope her out, helped Remus brainstorm for dates, done everything he could’ve to make sure the two would be happy together. Problem was, this was Marlene McKinnon, and she was a Slytherin, and coldly manipulative, and James knew, just knew, that she was going to break Remus’ heart. She’d laugh in that pretty little way and toss her blonde curls and that would be the end of this little affair, and Remus, gentle Remus, would be left twice as self-deprecating, twice as bitter, twice as heart-broken.

He couldn’t let that happen, not if he could stop it, not if something, anything he said might have an impact.

“I ran into her on the grounds the other day - I was looking for some space to think, and we were both in the same place at the same time, and we talked, for a bit, until we managed to piss each other off.” He shrugged. He wasn’t going to deny that his little talks with Slytherins tended to get extensively confrontational. Most of the time it was justified. “But during our conversation, it was like - I would say something, and she would just ignore it, just kept smiling that pretty little smile. Even when we both knew we disliked each other. That girl - she’s in complete control of her feelings, all the time. Cold, and a calculating - and I’m not saying I know her better than you from one conversation, or that whatever moments you’ve shared haven’t been meaningful, or heartwarming, or significant, because I know you, and I know you tend to bring out the best in people, Remus.” He grinned a little at his friend. “But that also means you believe the best in people, and so you won’t see this side of her until it’s too late. And I just - I don’t want you to get hurt, okay? I know her type, and I know what she can do, and you’re too good for her, Remus. She’ll freeze you and crush the crystal, and act like it never even mattered, because she’s a Slytherin and that’s what she does. And I don’t want her to do that to you."

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Evasion

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Remus should have guessed he was acting even too strange for James to let it go unnoticed, but it still made him wince a little that he hadn’t been able to play it off like nothing was wrong.  But of course everything was wrong.  Everything felt wrong.  He wished the world would stay level for more than a few minutes at a time, but that seemed laughably unattainable.  Just when things were starting to feel more normal, these sorts of things had to happen and he was twisting out in space again and wondering when gravity would be kind enough to pick him up again.  “No,” he said, sitting down on the edge of his bed with a sigh, his eyes sliding to the floor. “I am not making any sense.  I am the absence of sense.  I am to fraught to make sense right now."  He ran his fingers through his hair, but it still flopped back down into his face a moment later.  Sometimes he wished it was longer and then he could just hide his entire face behind it.  It would make life easier, he thought. "He did.  Well, he didn’t have to.  I managed to overhear a decent part of it.  At least the part that had me in it and a general yelling and cursing and calling of names.  More or less pretty standard for one of your rows I think."  He winced.  "Well, maybe not standard, it seemed a bit more vicious than that."  He darted his eyes up to look at James, a slightly contrite smile on his face.  "Sorry.” He took a deep breath and went on.  “Either way, I refuse to pick sides, I just hope the two of you slug it out soon and get it out of your systems.  There have been enough fights this year already for my taste.” Remus deemed it safe enough to reach for a book and spread one open on his lap and took a breath, not really reading, just watching the words swim on the paper.  He allowed himself to feel lucky, like perhaps he’d gotten away with all of it for just a little while longer, and maybe the wrath of James Potter was something he could avoid indefinitely. 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James couldn’t bring himself to laugh at Remus’ use of the word ‘sense’, too caught up in waiting for what his friend would say next. So. Remus caught some of their argument. James wasn’t sure how he felt about that (they did, after all, stage it in the rather public seventh-year boys dorm, so it was really only a surprise Peter didn’t walk in too, except thinking about Peter made James want to clench his fists irrationally and so he changed the topic). At least Remus wasn’t picking sides, although his comment on the number of fights was a little hypocritical (it wasn’t exactly James’ fault that the Marauders were fighting. Remus did it first, if anything, even though poking his nose into Sirius’ business was really understandable...)

Anyway. James felt restless, and wary, crosslegged on the bed with some work splayed out, untouched, around him, Remus on his bed to his left. James had picked his bed as a firstie to be in the middle of the group, with Sirius on his right and quiet Remus on his left near the window, with James perfectly positioned to join any mischief. The last couple of days, they’d kept their curtains drawn closed.

James fidgeted, smoothing out the covers beneath his palms, and watched his friend. He’d said he’d joined the conversation around the time they’d mentioned him... when Sirius had yelled that he’d been spending time with Marlene McKinnon, then. James felt the cold grip of disgust and dislike snake up his throat and spoke, looking at his friend carefully.

“Remus. Is it true what Sirius said? That you’re hanging out with, dating, Marlene McKinnon?”

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

Evasion

Remus hoped against all hopes that Sirius was the only one that had seen him overhear what felt like the particularly brutal parts of the James and Sirius’s fight, but was still content to tiptoe around James until he knew for sure.  Of course, even if he hadn’t seen him, there was still the fact that Sirius had explicitly told James how much time he’d been spending around Marlene and if there was anything James hated with fiery passion, it was each and every Slytherin.

It was why he had worked so hard to never exactly tell James where he was off to all the time, and kept playing up the joke that he had a cadre of girlfriends that he was making the rounds to.  And if James pressed, there was always studying to fall back on, since he did that rather a lot too.

Remus knew it was silly to hope that James would conveniently forget all about that particular part of the argument, but Remus still did, praying that James had been upset enough about everything else to let that slip by unnoticed.  James did have his oblivious moments, after all, and Remus wished above all else this would be one of them.  

When he finally had the courage to go back to the dorm room, Remus tiptoed around, hoping that James had decided to be elsewhere.  Of course, that had been too much to ask and Remus had nearly tripped over him on his way to his bed.  So  much for hiding behind his curtains until the end of time.  

“Hello Prongs,” he said as lightly as he could, trying to look as innocent as possible and absolutely sure he was failing to a great degree.  "Er.  Lovely day and all,“ he added, which he really shouldn’t have, but babbling was in his nature.  "Well, that was a nice chat, I’m going to work on that essay McGonagall set.” He gave James a careful smile and headed towards his bed, hoping James would leave it at that.

@jamesprotter

[jamesprotter-blog]

James blinked. Remus was being weird, which normally wouldn’t mean much, but things being... as they were, probably meant that he’d seen Sirius. (Wouldn’t it be ironic if, after a month of trying to get his friends to make up, the thing that pushes them back together is this final argument with Sirius? Super ironic. Super funny.)

Anyway. If Remus had talked to Sirius, did that mean Remus was on Sirius’ side? Was the whole group going to break down now? (Was James going to be all alone, then, if Peter and Sirius were... busy, and Remus had picked Sirius? James had never thought things would end like this). Why even start the conversation, then? Did he just want to pretend like nothing happened, like the group wasn’t breaking apart at the seams, like Sirius hadn’t just ditched him for a better best friend?

And what about what Sirius had said? In the heat of the moment, James hadn’t caught the revelations as they were hurled at his face, but later, lying in bed and replaying the conversation in his mind, simultaneously wishing it had never happened and hating Sirius for each and every little comment, for letting it - James had remembered those words. Marlene McKinnon? Was Remus really... dating Marlene McKinnon? He couldn’t believe it, and yet he could, and he was filled with new disgust at the girl and her perfect facade and the way she was ensnaring his best friends one by one.

“Remus,” he said, instead, because he didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t want to alienate (another) friend, not when this could be his last one, and fuck, why? “You’re not making any sense.” He paused, looking over his haggard friend, and tried to pick the best way to approach the point. 

“I guess Pa- Black told you, then?” James felt dejected, and tired, and kind of like giving up. “You’re acting more fidgety than usual,” he added instead, aiming for a bit of a humor and managing a tilted half-smile.

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

brothers divided

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

Never before had Sirius wanted to punch James so badly. He could insult Sirius all day and all night and eventually Sirius would move on. However, it was something else to insult. “Oh leave Peter out of it! You’re just jealous that for once I’m done listening to your bullshit! It took you two weeks to realize Remus and I weren’t talking; it’s taken you a month to come around and actually talk to me about Peter! And you still haven’t even asked me what we’re doing!”

Sirius was letting the anger get the better of him. Both of them should stop now, before the anger became too much and they said things that didn’t need to be said. He didn’t want to though. James had started something and Sirius be damned if he wasn’t going to see it through to the end. So instead of walking away, or dropping it, or even apologizing, Sirius bit out a nasty response. 

“Maybe if you took a few minutes to get out of your head away from Evans and into the present you’d realized what was going on around you! You’d realize that my brother is a Slytherin, that Remus has been hanging around Marlene McKinnon and enjoying it all month! Fuck, you’d noticed that she and I can stand to be around each other and even spent a Hogsmead trip together!” Sirius yelled, both oblivious and uncaring as to who overheard. “And yes! Yes I have been snogging Peter all month!” ‘Snogging’ wasn’t the term Sirius would use to describe their new and budding relationship, but it would get the point across to James. 

“You’re a conceited spoiled-brat who’s never, and will never, have to work for anything more than a girl! For once get it through your thick skull that not everything is about you!” 

[jamesprotter-blog]

For a second, James was stunned by the pure intensity of Sirius’ angry words, and then the fury and indignation rose up like a tidal wave.

The hell - Sirius dared - 

“Go to hell, Black! If I’m self-centered and conceited, then what does that make you, then? At least I talk about my problems! If you don’t give a shit, then why don’t you say so, huh? If you’ve got bigger issues, then why doesn’t your own ‘best mate’ get to hear about it until two weeks later? You sit in your perfect ivory tower and sulk and expect the rest of us to come to you and beg for answers! For a moment of your precious, precious time!

“Well go f*** yourself, Black! I don’t need you, I don’t need to deal with your bullshit, and I don’t need this!”

At some point James had gotten up off the bed and stood up to face Sirius full on. Sirius was taller, but James was bulkier, a little more muscular ‘round the shoulders (Sirius had all of that lean aristocratic Black grace, the same one that allowed him to act like he had a stick up his ass when he wanted, like he wouldn’t deign to speak to you if you walked up and stared him in the face, James hated it now, as he remembered suddenly, viscerally that Sirius was just as pureblood as any Slytherin and triple as capable of curling his lip at you).

James hadn’t even registered most of what Sirius said when he snapped, caught up in what he’d said about him. Conceited, spoiled, self-centered, full of shit - if that’s how Sirius felt, James thought, furiously, then he could very well go spend another month avoiding him. At least now he knew where they stood, he thought, nastily.

“You can get the hell out, Black,” he sneered, “I’m sick of dealing with your moodiness, and your anger issues, and all your problems. I’m sick of sticking my ass out for yours, find someone else stupid enough to do it.”

[jamesprotter-blog]

windswept days | James & Sirius

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

Sirius figured it was best to avoid mentioning that doing this would probably set him a bit further back in Lily Evan’s good graces. However, there was always the slim chance she’d enjoy it. There seemed to be a few pranks that had gotten an eye-roll or even a slight smile rather than the usual lecture. He hoped for the best for the two of them, really. They would be a good couple, if only they could get past these stumbling blocks. Sirius was sure that was no easy task; James was a handful and Lily seemed to be just as stubborn in her thinking. 

James asked and ran his hand through his hair, giving away just how the situation made him feel – likely lost and confused (there were different sorts of hair-touchings after all). He stopped walking as well, but looked down at his feet, lightly kicking at some dirt that’d been stirred loose by Merlin knows what. Sirius’s mind spun, looking for the right words to explain the situation. He didn’t want to give away too much; although James would glean enough. Sirius looked at his knuckles, still bruised with raw-pink cuts from the mirror he’d punched the night of their argument. 

“Remus asked too much. I’m… I’m just not ready to talk about this summer, or last summer, or my family. He was demanding, and I’m not willing to give it up yet.” Sirius bit his lip for a moment before meeting James’s eyes. “You know how it goes.” That sort of stuff was the kind of thing he didn’t even feel like telling James yet. Feelings needed to be dealt with on his own before he would ever be able to properly communicate them to another human being. 

There was just too much there; too much Sirius was worried about. He didn’t want to hurt his friends like he’d been hurt. 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James didn’t, really, ‘know how it goes’. He never did, or never felt like it. Still, he pretended, because what else could he say?

So he nodded, and said, “Yeah...” and let the silence between them fill in the blanks.

“Remus was probably just trying to help, some. Sometimes it helps to talk about things.” James looked out at the black lake, not really wanting to make eye contact with Sirius. “And he has his own problems with his family, too. If anybody would get things it would be him, I guess.”

He shrugged, again. He felt so... inadequate. For all that James avoided emotional talk, he still liked it better than half-spoken sad nothings. At least then they’d get to the bottom of things, and fix it. In third year, when they’d figured out Moony’s secret and confronted him about it, it had been a bit awkward, and a bit tense, but then it was over and they were animagi and the Marauders were closer than ever.

Like this, James barely understanding Sirius’ half-hearted hints, scared to push for more, he felt like he was stumbling around in a bush in the forbidden forest like an idiotic first year. Except not, because at least as a first year he’d known Sirius was in the bush right beside him, and now it felt like he was on a different planet.

“You two will work it out,” he said, finally, going for a grin. “Come on, we can go hang out with the giant squid, maybe wade into the water some. Last time the weather’s going to be nice like this, and warming charms don’t really cover all of the extremities, you know?”

[jamesprotter-blog]

show me how it's done | James & Lily

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Lily tried not to act too smug as she watched the young couple scuttle away. You would have thought that, by now, they would have learnt that there was no getting around Lily Evans. She was always going to catch them, after all she was given the Head Girl badge for a reason. Evidently the couple hadn’t learnt their lesson yet, and Lily had a funny feeling that wouldn’t be the last time she’ll catch them out after curfew. James’s bow didn’t help one bit. A laugh, a real, proper, laugh escaped her lips at his actions. For the first time, probably ever, she felt at least in his company. Relaxed, even. But, then again, they were in her territory now.

“Why, thank you.” A smile was still playing on her lips as she talked. “Let me guess, you prefer abandoned classrooms?” 

The implication of her words didn’t register until after they had left her mouth. James Potter with a random woman snogging in an empty classroom, the imagine made her cheeks blush and her mood sour. Admittedly it wasn’t something she had ever really thought about, she was scared what emotions it might stir up. Now she wasn’t stupid or naive, James was a handsome man and he had girls falling for him left right and centre, she was sure that James most likely had snogged girls in classrooms. Lily just didn’t want to be privy to it. As for her strong reaction to the idea, well, she would think about that later. Most likely in great detail. 

And then suddenly James was closer, so close she would make out the individual flecks of brown in his hazel eyes. Her pink lips parted ever so slightly in surprise. For James Potter had beautiful eyes, rich and full of life, and Lily was sure she could stand there and stare at them all night, dig out all the secrets they were hiding. No. That was a bad thought, a very, very bad thought. She wouldn’t let herself fall down that rabbit hole.

“It’s not that bad.” She tried to argue, taking a step back to gather her thoughts. His eyes, they were dangerous. “Alright, admittedly, I thought it was bloody disgusting at first but you get used to the taste. Breakfast just isn’t breakfast without a good glass of pumpkin juice.”

Hearing this thoughts on wizards living so long was certainly interesting. It was something Lily had always been curious about yet had never found an answer to. “Dumbledore’s certainly one of a kind.” The old man showed no signs of showing down, something Lily certainly admired him for. “Do you think that applies to muggleborns too?” It was a subject Lily had always mulled over. After all, she had both magical and muggle blood within her, and though she definitely didn’t want to die young she wasn’t sure she would want to live as long as some wizards do. She would be the last Evans left at that rate. 

“Where do I even start.” She laughed, mulling over his request in her head. There was such a cultural difference between wizards and muggles, they lived completely different lives and sometimes it was hard for Lily to keep up. “Everything is different; travel, entertainment, clothes, even the lighting. Muggles stopped using candles to light a room decades ago.” 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James kept up his charming grin, but inside he blinked. He hoped Lily didn’t actually think he was some kind of man slut, hooking up with girls in abandoned class rooms. He’d never actually done that, or gotten much of anywhere - there had been some drunken fumbling, once or twice, but neither had been ready for anything more than that, and besides, James didn’t want to date the girls, so he wasn’t going to just use them and dump them, either. As to the girls he’d actually dated, neither had ever been ready and they’d never gotten that far.

Still, he decided it was best to just roll with it.

“Oh please, Evans, that’s so unimaginative. If I were going to hook up with a girl after lights out, why do it in something as horribly un-sexy as a place of learning? It’s not even a librarian fetish, just a classroom.”

James watched Lily defend pumpkin juice with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

“I dunno Evans, pumpkin juice will forever and eternally be watery and sometimes pulpy and way too orange for me. But I guess some things can grow on you, if you give them the chance.”

He hummed lightly as he listened to Lily muse, the hallways silent and empty except the two of them. The dim lighting made her hair look more coppery than usual, he thought, absentmindedly. He was relaxing a bit now, listening to her speak and secure in the knowledge that they could be friends, now, he could walk by her side and listen to her think out loud.

“Hm, I dunno. If it’s based on magic, then yeah, I guess so, but it probably isn’t, just. Purebloods intermarry so much that there’s almost like a separation there - some things that you see in them that you don’t as much outside. Like a lot of us have really straight noses and strong foreheads, you see it pretty clearly in the Blacks, I guess. And other things, like a predisposition for certain illnesses - muggleborns are much less likely to get Dragon Pox, even though it’s super contagious for everybody. So I guess that some of it could be blood related. Not to say that Purebloods are better, or anything - there are a lot of drawbacks to being related to everybody. Makes family gatherings much more painful than they need be, Mum can never figure out how to keep Aunt Phyllis off the invite list and out of the wine cellar.”

James watched her laugh, confused and happy. He couldn’t really imagine most of the differences, so he couldn’t really laugh with her, but it was enough watching. 

“Well, it’s not like wizards really need candles, either. It’s more for dramatic effect. And they work well enough, especially if spelled not to run out of wax and you can turn them on with a flick of your wand. 

“I guess that just makes us lazy. Muggles made a whole new world after the split. But do you think most of the muggle things would even work here? Remus used cannons in a prank, once, but I know electricity doesn’t work at Hogwarts.” James is very proud of his pronunciation on that word - listening to Remus really is coming in handy.

[jamesprotter-blog]

show me how it's done | James & Lily

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Merlin, this was going to come back and bite her in the arse. It was a bad idea, she shouldn’t have listened to her friends, but she could hardly take it back now. The words had left her mouth before she had chance to think and James had readily agreed, as her friends had predicted. But instead of finding his immediate reaction annoying, punctured by the roll of her eyes, she was finding it somewhat endearing. In fact a small smile was fighting its way onto her lips, the corner of her lips perking up as she lost the battle. Dammit, he would probably gloat about this for weeks.

“I’m glad you agree.” She simply stated, clearing her throat in an attempt to regain a neutral impression. This was friendship, nothing more. Though Lily had never cared much for James she was suddenly aware of giving off the wrong impression. She didn’t want to led him on, kid him into believing that their friendship could go any further. It simply wasn’t on the cards. 

“Dumbledore?” She repeated, an eyebrow raising in confusion. It was a strange subject to bring up. Sure, Lily was one of the headmasters biggest supporters, she would follow him into war any day, but he was hardly a topic of normal conversation. “It’s funny, actually.” She mused, keeping her eye line on the floor before her. “In the muggle world most elderly would be in a home at 96. You know, reaching the ends of their lives and starting to rely on their family, but Dumbledore, he’s a machine.” A small laugh escaped her lips. “I don’t know, it’s just odd how much longer wizards live than muggles. Maybe it’s something in the water.”

They turned a corner just in time to see the flash of yellow ribbed robes disappear into the closest broom cupboard. She nudged James, shoulder to shoulder, and nodded in the direction of the offending cupboard. “Follow my lead.” She mouthed, pulling out her hand. With one swish of her wand the door banged open ( she was really getting the hang of these wordless spells ) and the couple jumped apart. “Smith, Benton.” She greeted with a raised eyebrow and hidden smile. “Good to see you two are still together. Let’s take five points from both Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw for being out after curfew as a congratulations, shall we?” Both the students moaned in response, clearly annoyed that they’d been caught. “Now run along.” Without hesitation they parted ways, heading back to their respective common rooms. “You’d have think they would have learnt by now, they’re not very good at sneaking around. We’re probably entering double digits in the amount of times I’ve caught them.”

[jamesprotter-blog]

James grinned stupidly as he watched Lily rout the hormonal couple. She was so confident and firm and Head Girl-y. He definitely should not find it this hot. James scratched the back of his head, awkwardly standing there and trying to distract himself a bit. The way she used a non-verbal spell just to shock the troublemakers - she should go into pranking, James just knew she’d be fantastic at it.

He waited until the couple scrammed, then turned to her, giving a fake bow.

“Can I just say that was super awesome? I am very impressed by the supreme Head Girl power of Lily Evans. Also the incredible stubbornness of Hufflepuffs. If I’d been caught that many times, I would’ve stopped trying broom closets.”

He stepped into pace beside her, and decided to go with continuing their earlier conversation. 

“Can I tell you a super important pureblood secret?” He leaned in, a bit, smiling at her, and trying not to focus on how pretty she looked up close. How her green eyes still glinted with traces of her previous victory. “It’s not in the water, it’s in the pumpkin juice! That’s why it tastes weird, and you don’t think any of it cause it’s made out of pumpkins, see, of course you would think it tastes weird!”

James grinned at his own joke. He liked listening to Lily talking about muggles, he decided, it was way more interesting than when Remus did it. Not that Remus was un-interesting, per se, but his family knew of magic, and so they didn’t have that extra bit of perspective Lily had. James didn’t know much about muggles, and he figured he was like most wizards in never particularly putting in the effort to know more, but he’d like learning about them if Lily taught him.

Sirius would call him a sentimental sap, and say it had nothing to do with muggles whatsoever.

“In any case, I think there is a property of magic that extends your lifespan. Kind of like accidental magic, like your body instinctively protecting itself. Dumbledore’s a host onto himself, though, anyway - although wizards regularly live to his age, most don’t remain the most powerful wizard on earth as they do so, and Supreme Mugwump to boot.

“How else are Muggles different? I think I’m missing a large part of my education, I never actually knew they didn’t live as long.” James grinned. “Teach me, oh wise and perfect Head Girl.”

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

brothers divided

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

Sirius hadn’t been this confused with something James said in years. It just didn't’ make sense, why he was so angry. He couldn’t recall doing anything that would piss James off this badly. However Sirius was quickly reaching the end of his line. He wouldn’t sit here and take James’s yelling when he did nothing to deserve it. His glare matched James’s, eyes taking in the body language and trying to figure out just what was going on in his friend’s head. 

For now he said nothing, letting James lash out and sensing that he needed it. Sirius kept his composer somewhat calm, not saying a word. His muscles were tense, eyes locked in a glare, but it was the sort of quiet anger that came before he lost it. Sirius didn’t want to get into this with James, not here and now. Not in the dorms where anyone could here them. Not after such a nice afternoon with Peter. They were closer than friends. When had they drifted apart so much that James would become this angry? 

This whole situation was a mess. 

Then of course, James had to go and say that. Sirius coiled even tighter. While he wasn’t exactly sure what James was referring to, his mind jumped towards his family. James knew that the topic wasn’t one to be breached. “Oh come off it, Potter!” Sirius sneered. “I’m done pussy footing around whatever’s stuck up your ass! Out with it! I’m not hiding a damn thing and you know it!” Perhaps things about his family, but that wasn’t a secret. Sirius just didn’t like to talk about it. There was Peter, but that was more of a ‘waiting to be discovered’ rather than actual hiding. 

It hit him then, what James was jealous. 

Sirius broke into loud, joyless laughter “Merlin. You have your head so far up your ass you can’t see what’s right in front of you, can you?” If James looked out of that map he would have realized in a heartbeat what was going on between Sirius and Peter. James knew him better than anyone, Sirius would guess even better than Remus did. If he’d only looked to see what had changed. Of course Sirius could say that, could explain the situation to diffuse whatever this argument was becoming. However he was angry, and he didn’t want to anymore. If James wanted a fight then f i n e. Their friendship could survive it. 

All bark and no real bite. 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James felt like snarling, angry and hurt and emotionally backed into a corner. F***ing Sirius, with his emotional closure and cold laughter. 

“Oh, now you’re insulting me, too? Not only a waste of time but a waste of space, huh? But you’re confusing yourself, Black, although all I see is shit, it didn’t come from my ass.” Although James was aware, in some distant part of himself, that that wasn’t actually what Sirius meant, he also didn’t care. He didn’t want to know what Sirius meant, he didn’t care, he wanted to rage at him and yell and make him feel as terrible as James did.

Hurt, and betrayal, and fear - James wanted Sirius to feel it, and understand, even if he didn’t want to explain. He was also angry, and lashing out, and emotionally explosive.

“How would I know anything about you, Black? It’s not like you tell me anything! For all I know, you could’ve spent the last month snogging Slytherins in broom closets!” James stopped then, and smirked, then added, “But I do know. You’ve been with Wormtail the whole month. Don’t tell me you’ve started snogging him, instead?

“Or have you been telling him all your deep fears about your family in the moonlight?” James and Sirius had done that, once, in the Gryffindor common room, after everybody was asleep and only a sliver of light streamed in from the window. James doubted Sirius even remembered, at this point. “Does it make you feel better, telling Wormy things, knowing he’ll listen and love you for it and eagerly mop up every last word? Make you feel less of a failure?”

[jamesprotter-blog]

show me how it's done | James & Lily

[vncommcnlykind-deactivated20170]

Her friend’s words echoed in her brain. Be nice, they reminded her sternly, try and make the best of a crappy situation. And try she would. Lily would be friendly, talk to him about homework or Quiddtich ( the best she could ), anything but the subject of them. But she wasn’t doing it for James, not even for her friends, but for herself. It had been her friends who opened her eyes, made her come around to their way of thinking, but she was doing this to make her life easier. Because working with James as friends would certainly be much easier than trying to working with James as enemies. But friends was the limit, that was all they could be. She was sure of that. 

It was in the spirit of friendship that she didn’t roll her eyes at his Marauders remark. It was partly true, for the most part they could get away with murder. But if anyone knew how to get the Marauders in trouble it was Lily Evans. By this point she had mastered the art of getting them caught, sometimes without having to resort to snitching. She couldn’t help but wonder if that was over now, after all with James as Head Boy it would be even harder to get them in trouble over their hundreds, if not millions, of misdemeanours. 

She tried to keep her face neutral at his words, not wanting to give away too much too quickly. After all, he wasn’t privy to her friendship plan just yet. But she couldn’t blame him for thinking in such a way, she had never been his biggest fan, but she appreciated the effort he was obviously trying to make.

“We should be friends.” The words came out blunter, and earlier, than she had planned. And suddenly she was nervous, her stomach was doing flips and her mouth was dry. She had been too presumptuous, what if James didn’t want to be her friend? She wouldn’t blame him, she hadn’t exactly been nice to him in the past. “For the sake of both of us surviving this year, I think it would be in our best interests. If you’re willing, that is.” 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James felt like exploding. Or squealing, except that would be very unmanly. No squealing, he told himself sternly, even though he felt like jumping up and down and pumping his fists and running through the halls screaming his head off.

Instead, he went with, “Yes! I mean, that sounds like a good idea, definitely in our best interests. And the school’s. I mean, it would be hard to be responsible Heads if we spent patrols hexing each other. Have to look mature for the young’uns.” James coughed, trying to sound cool and hide his choking. How much of an idiot did he have to sound like, really?

But it didn’t matter, because Lily Evans wanted to be friends with him! She asked, even, didn’t have to reluctantly agree or roll her eyes or anything. (He was so going to have to tell Sirius about this later. Or maybe save it for the next time he made fun of him about his crush.)

Friends. They were going to be friends. James had always wanted friendship from Lily - never understood why the kindest girl always rejected his every attempt. Even when he tried to be nice, tried not to offend her, she’d always been pretty clear about how she felt, and always would feel. But I guess even perfect people mature, he thought. Or maybe she was just very serious about her new position and responsibilities. That would be just like her. Lily Evans was the most impressively focused and determined girl James had ever met.

Whatever the reason, though, this was his chance, and James was determined not to blow it.

He glanced up at her, his eyes hovering for just a second. Eager to test his luck, James ventured bravely forward.

“So, Evans, as friends, we should talk about something.” He cast around desperately for an appropriate topic. He really should start thinking before he opened his mouth. The first day prank? Nah, what was he thinking, that was a terrible idea. Quidditch? Everybody liked Quidditch, except Evans that is. Classes? Kind of boring. “Dumbledore!” he said, randomly. Shit. 

“Dumbledore... his birthday is coming up! Can you believe the old man is 96?” James shot her a grin, trying to play off his randomness. Stay cool, Potter. “Think he’s going senile in his old age?”

[jamesprotter-blog]

when all the world is still

[quillofrjlupin-blog]

There was something strangely peaceful about pulling something off successfully.  He didn’t get quite the burst of excitement everyone else did, instead he liked to sit quietly with it for a few minutes.  Remus was fairly certain that had more to do with his penchant for nostalgia and his love of literature, making everything into some kind of literary drama in his head, sculpting memories into prose even as they were happening.

And these were always the best sorts of memories.  These times when he felt like he truly belonged somewhere, and maybe, just maybe, he would belong always.  Another fantastical sort of dream that would never be realized, Remus knew that, he wasn’t that far gone, but it was so nice for just a moment.  He liked to freeze them in his mind, James with that triumphant kind of smile on his face, looking at him just a bit oddly as he bent over his notes, like funny chap that Remus, but in such a kind and accepting way that Remus wished he really could capture it forever.  For whatever dark days came to lie ahead.

He chuckled softly to himself when James started to wax poetical about Quidditch, and truly, Remus wondered if he could profess to fancy Lily nearly as much as he fancied Quidditch.  "You,“ Remus said, as he flipped the notebook shut, "are even more helpless about Quidditch than you are about Evans.  Really, it’s a feat.  I’m surprised you haven’t proposed marriage to your broom.  The two of you would make a fantastic couple.”  He gave James a bright, teasing grin, and slipped his bag back over his shoulder.  "If you’re not snapped up by one of the-“ Remus started to say, but then it seemed rather ridiculous in a way that he couldn’t contend with.  There wouldn’t be time for sport in the future they were heading into.  Maybe before, maybe in some other reality.  But the world wasn’t going to allow such frivolities, even if James Potter lived to be on his broom and would have gone down in history for some crazy feat or another, name splashed on ever corner of every wizard establishment or something just as fantastical.  

Remus swallowed uncomfortably, as he always did when he had to remind himself of all the ways the future was not going to be nearly as bright as it should have been.  Not for any of them.  He covered himself by chewing on his bit of chocolate and let the feelings fade, or rather, tucked the away so he didn’t have to think of them, or the fact that the threat of the future would take away those very sacred things he prized in James Potter above all others.  

"It’s been awhile since we’ve done something just the two of us,” Remus acknowledged, a wry sort of grin returning.  "The others will just have to forgive us when they see the glory of what we have wrought.“  He laughed and clapped James lightly on the back.  "She’ll be furious when they have alibis and she can’t throw them in detention for awhile.  She’ll have to come after us if she’s going to punish anyone at all.”  He shook his head, eyes amused.  "Some Head Boy and Prefect.  How much leverage do you think house pride will get us?  Do you think she’ll let us slip away?“ Remus said as he looked out the window to see if the coast was clear.  "I suppose we better get back before they declare us missing.”

[jamesprotter-blog]

James stretched, feeling a little tired after all their work. It’s alright, he was pretty sure he had History of Magic later (he honestly had no idea why he signed up for that as a N.E.W.T class, he really just wanted to make a special spot for naps in his schedule).

“Hey, what I have with my broom is special, no judging. If you really have to know, I did indeed propose, but she’s not the commitment type. That’s why I’ve been chasing after Lily, trying to hide my bruised feelings.”

James ignored Remus’ dropped sentence, noticing the edge of discomfort and papering over it with a wall of joking around. Snapped up by what, though? A horde of hungry fangirls? James mentally shrugged, leaving it to think over later, and moved on.

He let Remus’ hand push him lightly, swaying back and forth and laughing. 

“Poor Minnie, Dumbledore really stabbed her in the back this year. I think she was actually going to cry when she saw the badge on my chest.” James grinned, smiling at the thought of his favorite Transfiguration teacher. He really would miss her when he left, and he hoped she would miss him, if not for his ruckus then at least for the Quidditch skills.

“Hm, well, nobody loves Quidditch quite like Minnie, but she’s gotta keep up the pretense of being a fair teacher, you know. Maybe she’ll assign us detention and then throw us a party if we win? That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

“On that note, we can’t forget to do something for her birthday, we managed to scrape something together for Dumbles afterall, and we wouldn’t want her to feel left out, would we.”

James got up, picking up his broom and gesturing for Remus to lead the way outside, away from the broom shed and their new prank and the little moment they had made for themselves.

There would be more just like them, after all.

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

brothers divided

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

The words, while thrown around like nothing, had an underlying bite. The confirmation of James actually spying on him was more insulting than he’d thought it’d be. Sirius glared at him and stalked over, taking the map out of his hands and looking to where he and Peter had been not long before. Peter was still there, probably reading or wrapping up that homework he’d started while they were together. 

“Mischief managed.” He folded the map and tossed it aside before turning on James. “What the hell is your issue?” Sirius snapped, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. “And yes, I had a fantastic time on the grounds.” It was hard to know exactly what about being on the grounds with Peter had gotten James so angry. With him, there were always a million options and it was unlikely that Sirius would find the right one without asking. He took to studying James carefully, noticing that he was carefully controlling his expression. His hands were balled up, his posture tense. 

Perhaps Sirius hadn’t been spending as much time with James, but really, what did James expect when he kept running off and forgoing any of their usual times in favor of Evans or responsibility or coursework? Sirius simply followed his lead, and would rather spend time with Remus or especially Peter if James was going to be an oblivious prat who found anything else to do besides talk to his friends. 

“Just come out and say it, I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with your guessing games.” Sirius’s expression was one of no-nonsense. He was scowling just slightly, arms folded over his chest. 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James sneered, getting more pissed off by the minute.

“Oh, so you don’t have time for me, either, now? Thanks for telling me, at least now we know where we stand, huh.”

He could literally feel his hair raising up, anger bubbling in his veins. Sirius had the nerve to flounce back in here, all satisfied and shitty, and say he didn’t have time. Where was that lack of time when he spent two hours doing nothing on the grounds with Peter Pettigrew? Go f*** yourself, Sirius Black.

“Fantastic. That’s fantastic, mate. You should go back there, maybe you’re missing out on some more fantastic fabulous fun times. Maybe Pete misses you, you’ve been separated for an, oh, good forty five minutes, now.” James’ sneer feels plastered onto his face. He wants a reaction, he wants Sirius to explain himself, he wants something, anything at this point. He wants to make an impact, and watch it explode, and then to laugh for a long time and feel less abandoned.

Bloody Sirius Black, who doesn’t give a shit about little old James Potter anymore and doesn’t even care enough to explain himself. James doesn’t need him either. He’s always been the ringleader, anyway, and Sirius can have Peter, if he wants, James has the whole entire f***ing school. Sirius can bloody well shove off if he likes.

James leans back, glaring upwards. He’s too cool for Sirius’ shitty shit.

“What’s my issue? What is this, are we doing confessionals now? How ‘bout you then, Black, got any problems you haven’t been telling us? Or is sharing too much of a waste of your precious time?”

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

brothers divided

Between James’s habit of stalking the three of them on the map and the way Sirius and Peter acted around each other, Sirius really should have seen this conversation coming a lot sooner. However, after nearly three weeks since his confession to Peter, he’d thought James would have dropped it or moved past it by now. So when he’d arrived back at the dorm and plopped down onto the bed after a herbology tutoring session with Peter that had turned into more of a lying down in the sun and talking sort of tutoring session, he was surprised when James turned towards him and asked him where he’d been. The question was strange because not only did James have the map in his hand, but his tone was off.   

Sirius raised a brow, looking over at James with a curious expression. His eyes flicked down to the map before meeting with James’s again. “On the grounds. Where you looking for me?” He studied his friend closer, brow creasing in confusion. After a few moments he sat up properly, stretching out his muscles. James seemed tense, sitting awkwardly on the bed and glaring at the map like it had personally offended him. 

If James had been watching on the map, then it meant that he’d noticed who Sirius was with. James wasn’t dim by any means of the imagination, so he’d probably put two and two together and finally decided to confront Sirius about it. For a moment dread and gaiety gripped at Sirius. Surely, after all they’d been through the fact that his both his friends were male wasn’t what was upsetting him? James wasn’t that petty, Sirius was confident. If he could accept Remus as a werewolf he could accept this. It wasn’t like Sirius made his attraction for the same gender a secret either. Perhaps it was the fact that Sirius hadn’t been spending as much time with James. However that was just as much his fault as it was Sirius’s. “Prongs, what’s this about?” 

@jamesprotter

[jamesprotter-blog]

James had been waiting up in the dorms, his legs crossed on his bed, some Transfiguration homework laid out untouched in front of him, the Marauder’s Map tight in his hand. 

Oh, now, he comes back and wants to be buds, James thought, cross. He’d spent the whole day - whole week, really - looking for him, and now the man makes his appearance. (James was dimly aware that this was probably not the best mood to confront Sirius in, but dismissed the thought; He was too pissed to back off now). 

“You heard me,” he said, glancing up at his friend before switching to glaring at the wallpaper behind him. James was done. If he was being an honest, Sirius had been acting weird for months. almost since they got back, really, always brushing him off like he was nothing. And now, this, weeks of nothing, Sirius disappearing after mealtimes, or between classes, and James justifying it thinking, well, he’s still angry at Remus, there’s still tension there, we can’t be a group like we used to be, not yet. But at least then there was still the promise of the two of them, together despite it all. 

He didn’t get it, what had changed, why was James, suddenly, not good enough anymore? It was like all of a sudden Sirius never came to him with prank ideas, never told him about the interaction he had with a Slytherin in a hallway, or hung back after Quidditch to make fun of his Captain skills, or asked him how it’d been going with Lily. Sirius was always going somewhere, and, always, somewhere away from him. 

James couldn’t be blamed, really, for using the Map. He’d needed to know, it was his duty as a best friend to know, even when Sirius didn’t tell him.

And what had he found out?

He’d been replaced with Peter Pettigrew.

James liked Wormtail, really, he liked all his friends, loved them even, appreciated the way the boy always was ready to make you feel better, and volunteered to do crazy things for his friends, and was so comfortable with listening - but there was a line, really, between James and Sirius and the rest. It had always been understood, if not explicitly stated, that it was James and Sirius, Padfoot and Prongs, and that wasn’t to exclude the others so much as to include the two of them. Peter was nice, certainly, but he wasn’t them.

James was aware he wasn’t a perfect best friend - he could get too wrapped up in himself and his problems, could rhapsodize about Lily for hours without considering that Sirius probably didn’t give a shit, tended to look at Sirius’ problems through his own view as opposed to his friend’s, and wasn’t very good at accepting the difference. 

But still, what they had was supposed to go beyond that. 

What did Peter have that he didn’t, James thought furiously. Did it make Sirius feel better, hanging out with the least brilliant of the group, getting that constant source of adoration that Peter so willingly gave? Was it easier to hang out with Peter, not to have to deal with James’ nosy questions all the time?

He snorted, angry and disgusted and confused, though he wouldn’t show it, ever.

“Why do you care, Padfoot? How were the grounds, did you have fun? Lovely day out,” James commented idly, feeling vicious and angry and inexplicable. If Sirius really cared, he thought, he’d understand without me saying anything, but he doesn’t, and he’s a twat.

[jamesprotter-blog]

windswept days | James & Sirius

[siriusly-okay-deactivated201703]

Perhaps Slughorn was getting up there in years, feeling a bit delusional as well. He wasn’t sure why Slughorn went after Lily so adamantly. Yes she was incredibly gifted at potions, but it was clear to anyone who bothered to look that his club was more of a ‘blood status’ gathering than anything else. Sirius was thankful Slughorn hadn’t approached him about joining. He didn’t need any ties, however indirect they may be, to his family. Besides the whole thing sounded boring and not something he’d be interested in. However… “We haven’t crashed one of Slughorn’s parties yet. We need to do that at some point,” he mused. 

Sirius hummed in response. “No, we can’t.” He stole one of James’s muffins to avoid having to talk about Remus and the idea of meeting up. After he finished he found his voice again, knowing that things like this couldn’t be avoided forever. At this point he was wondering if it would serve them both well to just come out and say it. James wasn’t dense, he’d noticed. However that boy avoided confrontation like the damn plague. 

A sigh passed his lips before he caved, preferring to just get this over with rather than continue this dance around the subject James seemed so desperate to get to. “Moony and I will be fine Prongs. We’ll work it out.” While Sirius doubted that James would drop it. He never did. 

[jamesprotter-blog]

James nodded, used to the crazy ideas.

“I dunno how well he’ll take it, but the look on Evans’ face will definitely be worth it,” he said, grinning. James wondered for a second exactly how many things he did just to see the look on Lily Evans’ face, and then discarded the thought. Too many, of course, but what could he do. And it wasn’t just for Lily, really - James was a showman, he did things for the people. He liked the awe and the cheers and the laughter.

Then Sirius said those words, and James frowned, breaking out of his thoughts. He hadn’t expected so direct and unprompted a response to his prodding, though in hindsight he should’ve - cutting to the quick to avoid emotional fluff was a very Sirius trait. The problem was that this made it very clear that there was something very not fine going on, and James now had to prod a defensive Sirius into revealing exactly what had happened.

He stopped walking, turning more directly toward his friend.

“Right, I think there’s something I’m missing here. The group hasn’t gotten together in the two weeks we’ve been at Hogwarts, and we all sleep in the same dorm. There’s something wrong here. What happened between you and Remus?”

James stared his best friend in the face, trying to will him into barefaced honesty. Remus and Sirius... James was Sirius’ best friend, and there was a bond like brothers there, but James was sometimes aware that he was lucky in a lot of the ways Sirius... wasn’t, and there was a barrier there. Remus and Sirius, though, they were cut from the same cloth, isolated emotional outsiders. They understood each other, sometimes, and it was an important part of what kept the group together through all these years. 

And James, on the outside, didn’t understand how that could have broken down, how they could’ve let it.

He ran a hand through his hair, sighing.