Evasion
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Sometimes Remus was sure every single weight he carried on his shoulders would completely crush him on some literal level. That it would make his bones snap and muscles fray, blood vessels bursting and collapsing until he was nothing but bone and gristle. He hated how he could be so furious at James and so almost fondly befuddled by him at the same time.
The rage was still pulsing though his veins, Remus felt it most prominently at his temples, making what could have been just a dull headache into something furious and destructive. But there was the weariness too, that part of him that wanted to embrace James for every sweet naive thought he had even if they were all so, so wrong. This is why I worry about you, Prongs, he wanted to say, You have no idea that someone that you love can hurt you. Because it was just that. That he could think that just because Remus is his friend he couldn’t do anything to hurt him. Remus knew that wasn’t how it worked, and he’d been trying to instill some sort of sense of reality in James, in all of them, from the beginning, but it had always been too much fun, really. Bounding around in the forest with the carefree minds of animals, having a rebellious sort of fun where nothing bad seemed possible and there was just freedom and joy.
Maybe Remus had fallen prey to that kind of innocent thinking himself too, and only being faced with being so close to someone who didn’t know, who didn’t have the same sort of protection that the Marauders had, made him realize how foolish he’d been to think for even a few moments that he was safe. He would never be safe.
"You’re an idiot, James, you really…the very worst kind,” Remus sighed, mostly to himself because he had to tell the universe. He had no hopes that James would actually take it to heart and perhaps learn something. "I wish you would be scared. Even if it was just a little,“ Remus continued, his voice catching in his throat. "Just some small indication that someone else…” He stopped and closed his mouth, because he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to end that thought, and honestly didn’t want to delve too deeply into it.
Marlene, he was sure, wouldn’t be scared either. Not because she had any sort of delusions about the danger he could be to himself and to her, but because she wouldn’t care, that little pull of self-destructive darkness in her as surely as it was in him. It made Remus wonder if he’d been fighting his friends all these weeks because he really wanted to fight with her, to show her all the reasons he couldn’t be all those things they never talked about, but then it would require talking about those things and Remus thought perhaps she wanted to do that about as much as he did. Which was not at all.
Remus took a breath and let his attention drift to James again, trying to button Marlene McKinnon back up into that special untold place in his mind, even if she never stayed there. "You have such potential to be an excellent human being when you aren’t shoving any extremity you can up your own ass,“ Remus replied almost demurely, the hint of a smirk starting to form on his face.
"Instinct,” Remus couldn’t help but mutter under his breath, a sneer starting to slide over his face again, that slightly soothed anger starting to kick up again. "And I think I’ve made it very clear that you don’t know a thing about her and your opinion on the matter isn’t something I’m interested in.“ It was grudging, this sort of quasi-acceptance from James, and it rubbed Remus in exactly the wrong way, like a gritty sandpaper on the inside of his skull. "She’s more than just decent, Prongs, you really don’t know her at all. I wish-” Remus stopped and trailed off again, a slightly frustrated sigh on his lips.
“I could,” he said after what felt like a long moment, and Remus had no idea why he felt so compelled to say it to James, but he didn’t know how to talk to Sirius about it or just didn’t want to, and he felt like perhaps he should tell someone… Remus let his teeth press against the inside of his cheek for a moment. "I could feel that way about her. But I can’t. I won’t. And I’m…mourning all the things I can’t have. I appreciate that you think you’re helping, but I really….it’s not. Helping.“ It was all jumbled and not making much sense, but he prayed to God that James understood at least a little of it, because Remus didn’t know if he could say it again. "You can sing my praises all you want, but you know that there are very specific limitations I have to live my life by and I won’t force them on someone else. Not like that.” Remus let out a harsh little laugh. "And a very large part of me still wants to wring your neck for even thinking a single disparaging thing about her.“
James dug his thumb into the fleshy part of his palm. Fucking Marlene McKinnon. James had accepted, that, for the moment, she was the lesser part of the two evils, but he still hated her every time Remus looked at him like he was alien, separate, untrustworthy. Who was this girl, that she could just waltz into his life and take everything James ever needed? He hated her, and Remus for liking her, and Sirius for starting this whole mess anyway.
He felt like he was walking on water, and every step he took it lurched under him and he thought, desperate, that he was going to fall in. He’d even admitted that she could be decent enough, hung up his white flag, and that wasn’t even enough for him. Well fuck you, Remus, he thought, uncharitably. Fuck you for ditching your friends for a girl you’ve just met, for thinking that stupid words I might’ve said justify ruining seven years of loyalty, for looking me in the eye and saying you want to wring my neck and leaving me here stretching for words in empty space, fuck you, I saved your life! And yet this is where we stand.
He took a short breath in through his nose instead and focused. You only have one friend left, he reminded himself, don’t blow it.
So James coughed, awkward, and looked to the side.
“Right.” James paused, opened his mouth, and couldn’t find any of the right words to say. Remus was acting like he was some kind of martyr, like nobody else understood him and fine, maybe that was true but only because he didn’t try and explain it. And it wasn’t forcing - nobody forced James and Sirius and Peter to become Animagi for him. People didn’t suffer his presence, it wasn’t a burden, even though it was a struggle to watch their friend purposely make himself sad because he couldn’t imagine deserving to be any other way.
But James couldn’t say these things to Remus, not now. He’d tried, but he didn’t care, and it wasn’t helping, because of course Remus didn’t want his help or need his help anymore and so fine, he wouldn’t.
“Right. Well, live your life that way, I guess, then. But you should - think about it. I know you’re stubborn,” he half-smiled, more instinctual than anything, “but people have the right to make their own choices. And sometimes that choice is suffering with you.”
He shrugged. He was so tired - he wanted to stand on solid ground again, to feel firm on the unshakeable bedrock of his friends beneath his feet, he wanted Sirius back, like things had used to be.
“Anyway. I think I’ll leave now, I have to, go to the, check up on the first years. Lily started this new policy of having head meetings with each group of first years once a month, make sure they were settling in, and all, and she’ll kill me if I don’t show up.”
James got up off the bed and stuffed all his things in his bag haphazardly, trying not to look at Remus.

















