this is gonna hurt like a bitch but jake/jenny + things you said when you thought i was asleep
I swear this wasnāt meant to make you feel guilty itās just what came out iām so sorry.Ā
Itās been happening lately. She lays in bed for hours, completely awake. Sheād like to say she doesnāt know why, but the reason is obvious. Guilt. She feels so, so guilty that sleep is just not an option anymore. How can she not feel guilty when sheās laying right next to Jake? In his bed, in his room, the room next to the one where that little girl is sleeping soundly holding her doll. The one she called Jenny, too.
Sheās an awful human being. Because the worst part is, she finds herself missing Andrew more times than not. Even now, being around this little family that let her in.
She turns around to lay onto her side and looks at Jake, whoās facing the wall, his back turned to her. Theyāve been in bed for more than an hour and a half, heās surely asleep already.
Sheās been staring at the back of his head for a few minutes when she starts talking. Itās barely over a whisper. Itās spoken aloud anyway and maybe thatās enough. She doesnāt know why sheās doing this, but something inside her needs to let this out before she explodes for keeping it all inside for so long.
āIām so sorry.ā Her voice cracks a bit on the last syllable. āI really am. I didnāt mean to let you down. Or Amy. I justā¦ā
She takes a deep breath, manages to make the lump in her throat disappear. Itās not the time to cry, because if she starts now, she wonāt be able to stop. And then Jakeās going to wake up and ask her whatās wrong, and sheāll have to look at his face and lie again. And she doesnāt need that on top of everything, so itās not the time to cry at all.
āI do love you though,ā she says and she means it. āI really do.ā
He starts to wake up when he feels her moving next to her, obviously awake herself. Sheās been having trouble sleeping lately, and he wants nothing more than turn around and hold her close, try to calm her into sleep touching her hair like he knows she likes. But something stops him.
He can hear her voice not long after, soft, quiet. Barely there at all. But what sheās saying is clear in the silence of the house, and he gets everything.
He doesnāt understand, though. Doesnāt know why sheās saying that to his supposed sleeping back in the middle of the night, but he figures itās not the right time to let her know heās listening. She says she loves him at the end, and thatās really all that matters right now.
(He doesnāt understand now, but he will soon.)
