Dont Even Bother With Me @jamieleiimusic - Tumblr Blog

I have some problems. Well just one. A guy.

I got it so bad for this guy. Ive only ever liked two other guys like i like this one. Its such a strong feeling. I mean there are other guys where im like “oh hes hot” or “yeah id hit that” (haha). But these three guys, just such a different feeling. And it never truly goes away.

The first one i lost to an ‘on again-off again’ girlfriend who got pregnant and now she isnt in the picture. Lost the second one because he only liked black girls. Truth hurts.

And now this third one. Damn. I cant even talk to this one. Hes so damn hot. (oh i work with him btw).

I took a little scroll through his facebook and looked at over the last year worth of posts. (creepy i know) He mostly just shares stuff, but the things he shares. Just good things.

I mean i dont know him at all. I just know hes hot as fuck and i like what he posts on facebook. But that is NO reason to be liking someone. But i cant help how i feel when i see him. My heart literally stops for a second. I cant breathe. And this is every single time i see him. Even if its within just 5 mins of eachother.

Talked to him today on facebook. He wanted to go to Dutch brothers. I asked him how badly he wanted it. Since we dont really know other and havent said much at work to each other, how would he feel going with someone he doesnt really know. But no answer. Oh well.

I really need to stop. Let it go. But it hurts. So much. Been in love? That really deep love feeling? (i havent been there myself, but damn im sure its the same. probs not).

I just wish that third time was the charm. I would finally be able to be with someone. Or at least try it. But its just not going to happen. Ill be alone forever. And i have accepted that, but just a piece of me cant let go of the hope. I dont think im scared of death as much anymore. Just scared of dying alone. I know thats going to happen. So sad.

Oh well. Another guy i have to pass up on loving unconditionally because he cant see behind the ugliness and fat. Its no ones fault but my own for being this way.

Please take me back.

I have been pleading with God a bit to let me go back. Back to the beginning. To the easier times. So i can make way more friends. So i can not eat shit everyday. So i can understand that i need to take care of myself and be beautiful or people wont like me. Knowing its ok to go on dates and kiss.

I just want to go back and redo everything. Im so stuck. I feel about 12 in a 26 year olds body. I should know more things. I should have done more things with my life. Ive done nothing. I went to school. And now ive had a job since i was 15. Thats it.

I just want to start over. Please.

Im going to be stuck like this the rest of my life if you dont let me go back. Try it again. Because i know. now i know whats important. What things i need to focus more on. Growing up, i had no idea. No one ever told me. No one ever helped me.

Now everyone around me is either getting married or having children, or both. Having girlfriends/boyfriends and living life. Going places. Doing the things like love to do.

Im just stuck here.

Im such a waste of a human being. Waste of space.

No one EVER asks me if i want to do something. (ok once it happened) I always ask others to do things (ok not really others, just more like one person) And i always feel like they are just saying they will hang out to make me feel better.

God knows i have no one. And i never will.

Im accepting it, but its really hard. I always think like one day maybe it will all change. It will finally get better, because you know, people keep saying it will.

Im turning 27 near the end of this year. If i dont have anyone, a friend who likes to hang out with me, or even more than one friend. Also a boyfriend..Im giving up. Fully giving all in, for once and all.

Because its impossible to keep holding onto “maybe one day it really will get better, something will finally change for me”. Its never going to happen.

I just keep living each day dying a little more on the outside. Im already dead on the inside, just waiting for my body to catch up with me. Ill probably die from a heart attack, or most likely some kind of cancer. Maybe even hit by a car, stabbed, shot. Who knows. God does. I hate waiting, but i guess i have too. So ill just wait for you God. Ill keep killing myself each day on the inside while i wait for you to take the rest of me.

#waste of space #waste of a human #forever alone #loser #suicide #suicidal #cutting #worth nothing #dying everyday #on my own

looksshawn

this is art.

WHHHHYYYYY???

why do i do this to myself. i will never understand. i hate going out. i hate going to concerts. i hate people. all things i once loved.

i just cant anymore. i dont want to do this living thing anymore. its no fun.

got invited to go to dave and busters tonight with some people from work. am i going to go? hell no. why in the world would i do that. i wont have any fun. all the people that are going are friends with each other and not friends with me. i only got asked because it was like a pity ask.

i was trying to change and be more confident, but thats not going to happen. i just plan on staying the same boring ass person that i am and sit in my room doing nothing all day. besides work, or course. i have to make money to be boring.

was supposed to go to a concert tonight. thats not happening either. i think im done with concerts, honestly. i cant do them anymore. driving there. being with “people”. the only good part would be the person, or band, im going to see and its no fun if i have to deal with all the other shit too.

im going to one, maybe two, more concerts and im done. shawn mendes. and than maybe 5 seconds of summer (if i can afford the ticket).

i just cant wrap my mind around not liking concerts anymore. i think i dont even like music that much either. i used to listen to it 24/7. now, hardly ever. i have pretty much no more feelings, other than anger. i dont care about anything. all i want to do is hurt myself. but its dead of summer so i cant wear long sleeves to hide the scars from cutting, and i cant let them go being shown because than “assholes” happen and dont stop asking me what happened.

i want to continue to punch things. i really want to brake my hand. how fucking messed up is that..

so alone in my room for the rest of my life. thats how its going to be.

of course when my parents go, not sure what i will do after that.

heck, maybe thats when i will finally kill myself. i mean i cant live any longer without my parents. i have no idea how. there is no possible way im going to keep living after they are gone. no fucking way.

i could just live in some kind of mental hospital. but i doubt they will let me live there for the rest of my life. dont think it works that way.

i just cant anymore. back to cutting.

I wish i wasnt such a big screw up with life.

For some fucked up reason, my insides do not match what is on the outside.

On the inside i am this gorgeous 26 year old women who is nearly perfect on every level. Who can land dates likes theres no tomorrow. One who is so confident it hurts.

But no. On the outside i am an ugly fat beast who feels like in my head im like 18 years old. Im ugly as fuck. Fat as hell. Never had a boyfriend, or even kissed anyone. I have no idea if i am straight or swing both ways. And because ive never been with anyone, ill never know. I live with my parents because i cant live alone. Probably am the most laziest person you will ever know.

I just fuck up life on so many levels. I hate this. I hate all of it. But nothing will ever change.

Recently i have tried to change it. I was trying to become more confident with myself and my body. But the next minute i go straight back to not giving a fucking shit about living anymore.

Gahhhh. I just want to scream. Maybe i should. Not that it will really solve anything.

I have one friend, by the way. One fucking friend. And we dont even talk that much. What is with me and friends?? Do i just hate people that much i cant even have a friend. Not that i dont like my friend, i do, i really do. But if i hate people this much, why am i a human? I am the most awkward person around people in general.

Having one friend sucks. People just dont understand. I try to make nice with people i work with, and they all claim they are my friends, but when i ask them to hang out all i get is some excuse. Asked someone from work once if they just wanted to go to a restaurant and hang out. I really needed to get out. She told me no because she is on a diet and was about to eat a salad. We could have dont ANYTHING else. Instead all i got was a no.

How fucking sad is it that when i feel so horrible and i dont want to go home i go to a walgreens in a place located where only old people live and sit in my car for hours?

I cried when that girl turned me down for hanging out. And now we dont work together anymore and shes gone. Pretty much out of my life. And i just know if i asked her to hang out now, she would just turn me down again.

So one. I only have one friend. And i dont even know how to be a friend! It pisses me off so much. I cant do the whole friend thing.

I just wish i was normal. Growing up i always thought i was, but turns out, FUCK THAT. I am far from normal. Im so screwed up.

I cant with life anymore. I hate it so much. I know though that i have to keep living it. As much as i dont want too, i cant kill myself either. Thats too complicated for me. See, so fucked up i cant even kill myself. Wow.

I am so not sleeping much tonight.

I changed at work, but now work is beginning to suck again. Faster than i wanted, but that what happens when you work at a place like mine.

I needed to rant and get it off my chest. I dont really have anyone to talk too because no one gets it. So its nice to just type it all and put it there. I dont worry about anyone seeing it, because no one gives a fuck about me.

Im just me, and i hate it.