[ashenquill]

Tim seems like the type to have a Snapchat story dedicated to his crashouts

He frequently posts videos of himself yelling about the idiots he encounters in his daily life, and people live for it.

Tim, in his car: I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BAD DRIVERS! IF YOU WANT TO DRIVE LIKE A PRE-SCHOOLER, THEN PULL UP IN THE LITTLE TYKES COZY COUPE, MOTHERFUCKER. I AM TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM REAR-ENDING YOU! AT LEAST THEN YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT

Tim, barely visible and whisper-shouting in a dark closet: If I have to deal with Lex Motherfucking Luthor one more time I might just have to commit a felony about it. Because what do you mean you "aren't familiar" with our DEI policy outline???? We've been doing business for years????? We've had this EXACT CONVERSATION, like, TEN TIMES--

Tim, not even bothering to find an empty room: I should have stayed an only child.

Dick’s voice offscreen: Huh?

Tim, deadpan: The only good outcome of having siblings is that if they threaten to kill me, I might actually get a fucking break —— assuming they can grow a spine long enough to actually make good on their threats, that is.

Dick, in the background: C’mon, Tim you guys just quit fighting— Damian, stop- DAMIAN

Damian, now in frame, making a spirited attempt to free himself from the upside-down hold he has been wrangled into by attacking Dick’s ankles: I only wish to give him what he wants, Richard!

Dick: No, Dami, what did we say about- STOP BITING ME

Tim, staring deadpan at the camera while the others fight behind him: I have never envied Jason Todd more in my life

[oifaaa]

Stupid thing I thought of drawing ages ago when I was watching fruit basket

[prlssprfctn]

AU, where Bruce accidentally gets de-aged (physically and mentally), and the first person he bumps in is... Red Hood.

To Jason's defence, he didn't connect the dots at first. He was just patrolling around his usual turf, thinking of nothing in particular, when he saw a small child in a ridiculously serious suit, sulking around Crime Alley. He looks distraught, and considering that he looks rich, it is no surprise - that is not a place for him. So, he is either lost or something happened, right?

He takes the helmet off, as he usually does when he is dealing with kids (they got scared easily) and carefully approaches a brooding baby.

'Hey, shrimp. Where are your parents at?'

That said shrimp turns around, his big blue eyes looking confused and lost, and Jason thinks he looks awfully familiar.

'I am not shrimp,' he protests instantly, pouting at him. 'And they are somewhere... here. We just left the movie theatre together!'

Jason glances at the abandoned movie theatre, back at the little rich boy with a familiar frown, and it clicks. This is his fucking dad. Suddenly, a kid - but it is fucking Bruce Wayne, for sure.

'Was watching Zorro by any chance?' Jason still asks, just to be sure that he is not going insane.

Bruce - and it must be him - beams at him.

'Yes! This is a great movie, by the way.'

Oh, hell. At least, he didn't witness his parents' death just yet. Jason wasn't sure he would be able to deal with his father being so small, and mourning his mom and dad. He would probably cry himself at some point.

'Hey,' Jason calls out for him slowly, squatting down; God, who would've thought that this little shrimp would become so tall and big in the future. 'Aren't you... You must be Thomas's kid, right?'

Okay, yeah, Jason is going to lie to this kid. Because there is no way he manages just to steal Bruce as a stranger to bring him back home; it is still a kid, even if it is his father. Right?

'You know my dad?' Bruce tilts his head, little fingers tugging on the hem of his jacket; suspicious.

'You could say that,' Jason nods. 'Alfie... I mean, Alfred called me. Asked me to pick up a kid, since Thomas and Martha got an urgent call.'

Fuck his life and stupid life choices. What the hell he was even doing? He looked like a mugger; or like a psycho. But Alfred was his best bet - he could call him, after all; ask, well, support his idiotic made-up story.

'No one calls Alfred Alfie but my dad,' Bruce pouts in a very, very spoiled manner.

'Well... I do. We served together in the army,' he blurts out.

His armour, apparently, is enough a proof for the kid to nod slowly.

'Okay. But you gotta take off your strange mask first,' Bruce folds arms on his chest.

...???

Did this kid just agree for an unknown man to take him home? Like this? Who could've thought that this pouty child would become the most paranoid man alive in the future?

'Uh, why?'

'So I can remember your face and do an identikit, if you turn out to be a bad guy,' Bruce smirks stupidly. 'Duh.'

Jason is going to cry. This kid is so cute.

'Yeah, duh,' Jason huffs, but despite his better judgment takes the domino mask off as well. 'Go on, take your time. My identikit should be the prettiest, shrimp.'

Bruce... gawks at him. His eyes are comically wide now, mouth open, and then, he jumps a little closer to him - oh, God, he is jumping when excited? - putting his hellishly cold hands on Jason's cheeks.

'Woah. You look like dad.'

'Uh,' Jason nods awkwardly, and because he is an idiot, adds a joke: 'We are brothers, actually. Just don't talk much.'

...Apparently, little Bruce can't take jokes. Because he lets out an adorable gasp, and throws himself on Jason as if they knew each other for ages now.

'Uncle? That's so cool. You look like Zorro!'

Damn this little kid, and this stupid family. Damn Joe Chill and the night he killed this kid's parents. Damn it all. Bruce might be an asshole sometimes, but he was so... cute and innocent.

'Thanks, shrimp,' Jason slides a domino mask back on, picks up little Bruce with one arm, and grips a helmet with another. 'Come on, let's go home. Alfred will make your favourite tiramisu.'

'You know my favourites?!'

Jason sniffles.

'Yeah. Yeah, I do, kid.'

If he gets so emotional over this kid, he has no idea how worse Dick is going to be once he finds out.

Oh, this is going to be one hell of a night.

[jasontoddlawyer]

i have a terrible confession to make. i love the human centipede (the first one) and i will defend it with my life i understand why people hate the premise but it is actually such a good example of horror having a message beyond just 'ohhhh spooky'

[papayafromtv]

Damian getting pissed off at Bruce shortly after coming to the manor and in a fit of childish anger yells ‘you can’t tell me what to do, YOU AREN’T MY FATHER!’

what he meant was in an emotional sense, because he didn’t know the man for the first decade of his life, but paranoid-Bruce-Wayne immediately starts to wonder if Talia’s fucking with him in some way. Damian, still pissed off and wanting to make Bruce suffer in any way he can, takes all the information he has at his disposal regarding his mother and father and decides in a brilliant moment of childish stupidity to do this:

Damian: no, you are not my father. but being as my biological father trained under you, mother decided you would still be the best option to guide me.

Bruce, eyeing Dick: i TRAINED your father?

Dick, incredulously: I DIDN’T-!?!

Damian: No. Jason Todd however, after he was revived via Lazarus Pit, did.

Bruce:

Dick:

Tim, quietly from the sidelines, popcorn in hand: holy shit…

~later~

Damian, climbing through the window of Jason’s safe house: Ahki! three things. one, i told father, Grayson, and Drake that you are alive-

Jason, sat with a mouthful of pasta: wh-

Damian: -two, i told them your identity as the Red Hood, and three, i told them you are my biological father.

Jason:

Jason:

Jason: why would you-

Damian: i was mad and impulsive.

Jason:

Jason, taking a deep breath: well that tracks if we’re pretending you’re my kid.

Damian: i knew i could count on you.

Jason: to freak those idiots out? always.

[creetch]

'Revenge is bad' to YOU. i love when a character destroys everyone who wronged them. i love when they get to bite and maim and tear and rip and scratch and kill. Sorry ur catholic about it but i'm different

[papayafromtv]

Jason should have come back to the manor post-lazarus pit and revealed himself as Jason Todd but not told the rest of the family that he’s also Red Hood. can you imagine how fucking funny that would be.

Nightwing: honestly! my family is fucking INSANE! i swear the only good one is my little brother, he died and came back and decided to ditch the vigilante life.

Red Hood: oh shit really?

Nightwing: honestly probably the smartest one out of all of us, he’s reading in bed while we’re all out here on stakeouts!

Red Hood: interesting. tell me more about how this brother is the best of all of you.

~

Red Hood: so what are you guys getting the smart handsome not-vigilante brother for Christmas?

Nightwing, Red Robin, and Robin:

~

Batman: now i need all of you to have an equal share in the clean up-

Red Hood: yeah sorry, you aren’t MY dad, so i’m gonna dip. have fun cleaning!

the funniest part is when Dick and Tim decide that since Red Hood and Jason are so similar and Red Hood CLEARLY seems to like what he hears about Jason, that they should try to set the two up.

Jason, calling Roy at 4am: i need you in Gotham within the next hour so you can dress up as Red Hood and we can pretend that I’m sleeping with myself.

Roy:

Roy: i’m gonna get caught sneaking out of your bedroom with lipstick on your helmet

Jason: this is gonna be the funniest thing we’ve ever done.

[jasontoddlawyer]

jason todd who progressively lies more and more as to explain how he came back to life

Tim: How the fuck did you win Uno 19 times in a row

Dick: Yeah you used to suck at this

Jason: Yeah actually that entire excuse that Superboy Prime punched the universe was a lie. I actually just called Death a bitch and challenged it to a game of Uno that lasted six months and won

Tim:

Dick:

Jason: :)

---

Damien: Mother should have never allowed you to heal in the Lazarus Pits.

Jason: Actually I healed because when I was dead I was a ghost and like. Haunting Gotham as one does and then realised my dumbass body somehow left the grave so I had to find it and imagine how pissed I was when I found it in the Chernobyl pool

Damien:

Jason: Ghosts can't really hitch rides okay, I had to fucking walk

---

JL: He came back... Wrong

Jason: Actually B lied that I died. I left to a boarding school and found my true passion, unicycling, and decided to unicycle over Eurasia and B was so embarrassed that he just started telling people I died

---

Roy: So... How was death?

Jason: I fist fought St. Peter and fucking won he had to send me back

---

Bruce, present for all of these: How did you actually come back to life, do you know? Have any theories?

Jason: The worms refused to eat me because I was so skinny and Mother Nature herself called me a disgrace and kicked me out

[xx-obliviousfantasy-xx]

Okay guys this is gonna sound really weird and made up

But I swear I've seen this before

Maybe it was sin a dream or something

Idk

K remember sitting on the stairs like this

After delivering mail to my mom's room and reading a post exactly like this

And then I scrolled up to see the date and it wasn't that...

And I know that once I hit reblog someone is gonna be like "Oh, you probably just saw a similar post" but like...that unicycle line is really fucking specific.

Maybe it was a video on tik Tok before I d u n n o 💀

[jasontoddlawyer]

i can only pinky promise and swear up and down on a bible that i did not steal this from anyone, but it is possible there exists an older, similar vibe post - if you ever find it, please let me know

[vintagerobin]

Something you must remember about Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne is that they spent more than a decade getting locked in Saw traps together and that both of them are intensely and painfully fond and nostalgic about that period of their lives.

[wiryuu]

so uhhh. yeah.

[prlssprfctn]

Jason: Bruce used to say that I have this unhealthy habit of considering older women my mother figures and automatically agreeing with anything they say.

Talia: Beloved was not wrong. Honestly, you should focus more on your personal goals and not attach to women who show you even an ounce of kindness. Be colder.

Jason: Hey, good advice, mom.

Talia: ...Jason—

[justrandomtrashes]

Adorable youngest! ^_^

I wanted to see him wearing a white knit! 🥰

[papayafromtv]

somebody (Dick, still overwhelmed and trying to deal with the fact that his brother’s alive) lets slip during an interview as a civilian that the way Damian got delivered to Bruce’s door was because the Red Hood dropped him off and let them know he was Bruce’s kid, and Gotham goes apeshit.

why the fuck was Damian in a situation where the newest crime lord of Gotham was aware of him? how did the Red Hood find out who Damian was? and why the fuck did he decide to deliver him to Bruce Wayne stork-style?!??

Dick’s really apologetic about the whole thing but only because he’s sure this has pushed his and Jason’s tentative reconciling process about four months back. Damian’s pissed because now not only does he have to deal with questions about his relationship with Jason at the manor, but also questions about his ‘cool friendship with that awesome Red Hood guy who protects Crime Alley!’ at school, and as somebody who grew up watching Jason crash out pretty much every day over something objectively stupid (not all of it was even because of pit rage. Jason’s just dramatic and up until he died he was the youngest child, and also you have to get pretty good at throwing tantrums to actually succeed in getting Ra’s al ghul to fucking listen to you. Jason once convinced him to get door dash to the main base and then told Damian it was ‘an art form’ with a mouth full of chicken nuggets) and he abhors anyone who considers Jason ‘cool’ as a result.

Jason’s just getting real fucking tired of the street kids slinking up to him mid-patrol to ask with a completely straight face ‘do you know who my daddy is, Mr Red Hood?’

[harveii]

jason: wait, why are you doing this?

every batfamily member: because I care about you, dumbass.

jason mf todd: *noises of confusion*

batfam: *noises of fruestration.

[papayafromtv]

i know a lot of people talk about Jason pursuing his education after being revived by getting his GED and going to college but how much funnier would it be if he was like ‘no fuck that i’m not cutting corners i’m graduating high school and nobody can stop me’ and then we get the scene of Tim fucking sheet white in english class staring at the front of the room where his teacher is begrudgingly introducing this twenty year old over six foot 200+ pounds absolute UNIT of a man that is DEFINITELY his confirmed-dead vigilante predecessor as his new classmate ‘Todd Peters’ because Jason used part of his new crime lord income to bribe the principal to no-questions-asked re enrol him as a student.

cut to two weeks later and Bruce is concerned because Tim seems to be having trouble with bullying at school and Tim doesn’t know how to tell him it’s because Jason fucking Todd, the actual Red Hood of Crime Alley, keeps fucking targeting him during dodgeball in gym class.

Batman: i can’t allow you to work in Gotham if you kill people, Hood.

Red Hood: suck my nuts

Red Hood, whispering to Robin once Batman’s turned away: here my half of the joint assignment’s on this flashdrive let me know if the powerpoint gets fucked up

the only reason Tim isn’t snitching on Jason about any of this is because it’s nice to have somebody understand what it’s like to juggle both full-time school and full-time crime-fighting. and also he swears to god he is SO close to getting Jason to actually like him-

[ciricearts]

knight in shiny armor

[papayafromtv]

to reintroduce Jason to the world Bruce decides to just mysteriously announce that he’s adopted a new son and will introduce him at the next Wayne gala. all of Gotham is buzzing about the new child Bruce is gonna appear with. Jason cries from laughing.

Gothamite: what the. what

Bruce, grinning ear to ear, hand on Jason’s shoulder: this is my new son!

Gothamite: he’s not new.

Dick: well, repurposed.

Bruce: i don’t know what you’re all talking about! son, introduce yourself!

Gothamite: he’s not- you already- i thought this one was dead?!?

Jason, completely straight faced: hello, my name is Todd, Todd Jason.

Gothamite:

Tim, tiredly to Damian: and this is why we don’t let B and Jay make important decisions after they’ve shared 3 bottles of wine.