in my trash era

═ take me back to when he called me "Java" ═ I'm a lot of black cats in a trenchcoat

[javascribbles]

THEME SONG - whatthehellishappening? by Glass Animals

Okay, time for a little intro.

I go by J. in my system, but you can also call me Java!. I spend most of my time either staring at the ceiling, listening to music, or in creative pursuit of art and writing.

I'm unmedicated, undiagnosed, and probably worse off because of it. I don't hold direct trauma or its memories, but I'm aware of it so most of the time it does affect me unless I block it out!

I'm an extreme pessimist out of habit and this blog is for me to rant and vent and write about stuff I can't talk about irl.

(Echo is taking over running this blog as of August 2024. Turns out I can't handle remembering the past afterall.)

Posts under - #rant #vent #childhood trauma (I might have forgotten to tag a couple posts but there's no way I'm scrolling back to fix that. I'm too scared. 😭)

My system blog is @unhinged-recap

[servuscallidus]

I'm going to *remembers suicide is often not a desire for death itself but rather an attempt to radically change one's life because the current state of being has become unbearable but the person can't think of any way to change it other than death* kill myself

[servuscallidus]

I'm going to *remembers suicide is often not a desire for death itself but rather an attempt to radically change one's life because the current state of being has become unbearable but the person can't think of any way to change it other than death* kill myself

[javascribbles]

My god, sometimes life just sucks and I feel like a broken machine more than anything. I want a good life for myself so badly but everything feels like too much and I can't tell why. Am I just lazy? Is it procrastination? Is it the trauma? Why is nothing working?

Sometimes I try so hard but I can't even string two thoughts together. My mind is filled with buzzing. I dread waking up. I hate everything about my life. It would be manageable if I could get a grasp on myself. But it feels like being present is like trying to hold a bar of wet soap. I just can't.

I'm the oldest out of my siblings as well and that makes it worse. I'm twenty-two years old, for god's sake. Why am I in the same place I was at thirteen? It's like I'm frozen in place, I swear.

[wait-my-dead-deactivated2025081]

I REALLY WANT TO DIE. I DON'T CARE. I AM NOT NORMAL; I ALWAYS FAIL. I HATE MYSELF. I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO GO TO THERAPY. I DO NOT HAVE FRIENDS. I CAN'T SOCIALIZE IN A NORMAL WAY. I AM STUPID AND WEIRD, AND I ALWAYS FEEL AWKWARD. I'M DONE.

[daily-spooky]

[javascribbles]

There was a moment when me and my mom were talking about my moodswings aka depression and she was said "Maybe it's the lack of something nutrient-wise?" and I thought to myself I know it isn't but thank you for trying

[huellitaa]

"match my freak!" match my sweetness. match my benevolence. match my empathy. match my ability to feel emotions so deeply it tears me apart from the inside out

[roadmotel]

Aiskhylos tr. by Anne Carson, An Oresteia; “Agamemnon”

[javascribbles]

[yuyuuyuyuu-deactivated20230726]

stop asking me how everything is going, i don’t know i’ve been ignoring it

[thebpdbabe]

why am i always the person who needs to apologize. no one considers my emotions, it doesn’t matter what someone has done to me. once i make them upset, then i’m in the wrong and i’m a terrible person.

[snorlax-and-co]

[deathcoredoggy]

One minute you’re recovering so well, feeling like life is worth living and you are worth loving. The next you are alone again, feeling 13 years old and harming yourself, reminded of why no one could ever like you in the first place. I fear I will always return back to that person…

[pluralpoems]

Back in childhood I was wishing I was home “Home” like my favorite cartoon “Home” like my headspace “Home” like a wish to wake up the next morning ok Not this ugly trauma Not this awful abuse But that was memories Now I have a home A home that doesn’t hold a candle to the beginning A home that makes the next morning come Like how much I wanted back in early childhood And I trust, I understand, I experience so much I will be silly and genuine because it’s not bad Is it glamorizing my DID To be genuinely content? I don’t think so

[thememedaddy]

[muchlovefleursblog]