A chapter of my book based off of All Too Well by @taylorswift
My feet were pounding the ground from exhaustion as I finished the square mile around my house. My back was drenched in sweat, and the runner’s high was surging through my veins, making the clouds rush through the sky. The air was perfect that day. Not too muggy, not too cold. I put my hands down to the ground and rolled onto my back in the front yard, taking deep breaths,trying to even out my heart rate. I closed my eyes, feeling my heartbeat over and over. My brain started showing me the flashbacks, memory after memory. My brain finally depicted a memory, and I was back in the plain, white room, the man behind the desk staring back at me.
The man sitting in front of me was dressed in an orange, black, and yellow plaid shirt. There was a musky smell that filled the room so much, that I could taste it on the back of my tongue and in my throat. I tried to clear my throat every now and again to get the taste out of my mouth.
“How are you today, Russel?” He asked. I wasn’t even a little bit hesitant this time around.
“What do you want to know?” I asked back, plainly.
His eyes lit up, because this was the first time he had recieved a response from me on his first try. His eyes met mine, and he was even more shocked that I was looking at him.
“What do you want me to know?” He asked me.
“I want you to know that I didn’t make anything up.” My voice quivering. The tears were already forming, just thinking about it.
“Okay?” He edged me on. His eyebrows were raised up, wanting to get a straight answer from me.
“And anything I say, I want you to believe me.” I continued. A single tear had fell down my cheek. I hadn’t really processed what had happened with me and Carson, and all I wanted was for my brain to be focused and organized.
“I’ll believe you.” He said. “I just need to hear you.”
“I’ll tell you.” I said, weakly. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But only because I can’t talk to him.” Maybe the only way to help myself was to talk about it.
“You can’t talk to who?” He pushed on, he took his chair and made his way around the desk to be closer to me.
“Carson.” I answered honestly. My stomach flipped saying his name for the first time, in what felt like ages.
“And why can’t you talk to him?” He had his head cocked to the side as he asked this. I looked down at the floor, as if I could find the answer on the floor.
“Ten months is a really long time to go without talking to someone, I guess.” I shrugged my shoulders while answering. “I don’t want to risk another goodbye.”
“Well…” He began, readying his pen and paper. “Let’s hear it.”
I opened my eyes and the blue sky was above me again. The grass had cushioned itself around my body, and I took in a deep breath of the cool, spring air. My mind couldn’t stop now, and was continuously filling itself with all of the unwanted memories, flashing them before my eyes. I still hadn’t talked to Carson since the turn of events, but I knew what our relationship was. I knew it all too well…
“I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something about it felt like home, somehow.”
I put my feet on the ground. Carson rounded the car quickly, pinching his coat around his throat, trying to block the frigid weather from reaching his skin. I opened the car door and matched my pace to his. The cold air was whipping across my face as Carson rushed up to the house. Once he opened up the front door to Helene’s house, the heat instantly radiated on my face.
Helene was in the kitchen and her smile was as cheerful as ever as she greeted me and Carson with a kiss. The awkwardness had settled into my stomach in all of the wrong ways that it could. Carly was sitting on the couch, watching TV, while Helene made her way back into the kitchen. She was baking brownies from what I could smell.
“How are you boys?” Helene asked.
I took my scarf off of my neck, and handed it to Carson, who had his hand out, ready to take it from me.
“We’re good, Helene.” I said, unsteadily.
I bounced on my toes a few times to release some of the tension I was feeling. Everything about last night seemed okay between Carson and I, because we had talked about the situation amongst ourselves, but Helene was acting as if nothing happened. As if Carson hadn’t just try to come out of the closet to her less than twenty-four hours ago. As if she didn’t ask me, and I ran out of the house on her. The silence was almost unbearable.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I paused for a second, waiting for an answer.
Helene was keeping herself busy, by prepping the chocolate frosting, keeping her back towards us.
“You know, after last night?” I continued.
Helene dropped the whisk loudly in the bowl, easing the bowl down on the counter. I saw Helene’s shoulders rise and then fall, taking a deep breath to not only answer calmly, but to also think about what she wanted to say. I could feel the tension creep across the room, grabbing at our feet. She turned around, and to my surprise, she was still smiling.
“Well, what do you mean, Russel?” She asked. “Last night seemed perfectly fine to me.”
I gave a quick glance to Carson, who looked as equally confused as I was. Helene went back to whisking up the frosting. I gave Carson another awkward look. I wasn’t sure what to say after that, because we all knew the aftermath of last night, whether Helene was going to admit to it or not.
“So, I’m going to grab a few things from upstairs, and then Russ and I are going to take Carly out to dinner.” Carson broke the silence, talking directly to Helene.
“Oh, please do!” Helene was yelling into the oven, as she took the brownies that I smelled earlier out of the oven, and onto the stovetop to cool. “Between cheer and studying for tests, that girl has been dying to go somewhere other than a school.”
“But we were going to take her to the high school cafeteria for supper!” Carson teased loud enough for Carly to hear.
“I’ll shoot you if you take me to that school.” Carly threatened from behind us.
We all three turned to look at Carly, who was still sitting on the couch, her eyes never leaving the TV. I turned around and gave Carson a smile, laughing on the inside not only at Carly’s hostility, but at the stupid jokes Carson always made.
“Well, Carly, get your shoes and stuff on. We’re gonna run upstairs and then we’ll be on our way to go eat.” Carson instructed.
He took off towards the stairs and I was quick to follow. I didn’t want to get sucked into a void of Helene possibly asking me questions about last night, that she may not have wanted to discuss while Carson was around. We went up the flight of stairs, each skipping a step all the way to the top. Once we reached the last step, we took a hard left turn, and went straight down the hallway to a door, which led to Carson’s old room.
“And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house
And you still got it in your drawer, even now…”
When I walked into Carson’s room, there was an old, abandoned computer desk that was covered in dust. You could see a lighter coating of dust where the computer used to sit, which now, sat in our apartment. The walls were still covered in posters with The Arctic Monkeys, Zedd, Avicci, Calvin Harris, DJ Khaled, and Daft Punk. To the right was a lonely mattress, if you even wanted to call it that.
It was a little smaller than a twin sized bed, and looked half the thickness of a regular mattress. There was a chair that sat right in front of the window that caught my eye. This was my first time ever seeing Carson’s room, and my heart weirdly felt at home. I could walk into this room on my own, and I would know that it was Carson’s room the moment I saw it. That’s why it felt like home to me. I walked over to the chair by the window. It was just your standard wooden chair, that had some scrapings from wear and tear.
“You like looking out of the window?” I lazily asked, tilting the chair on its hind legs by grabbing the back of the chair. Carson turned from his drawer he had been fumbling through as I had been examining the room.
“I used to like to look out at the city when it was, like, three in the morning.” Carson explained.
“Why?” I asked. I sat down in the chair and looked out the window, myself, trying to imagine it being really dark outside.
“Because…” He broke off and continued to keep searching for whatever he was trying to find, opening and closing the drawers of his dresser. “No, it’s gonna sound stupid.”
“So?” I concurred. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know.”
I got up from the chair and walked over to him and put one elbow on the dresser and looked at him. He looked back at me, and his eyes were instantly a melty brown that kept me dazed and confused time and time again.
“It’s because… before I found you, I could find the other people who were like me.” He let it out, like he had just tried to come out of the closet. Seriously, no pun intended. A smile wickedly grew across my face.
“That’s the cutest, most dorkiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.” I laughed. “I love it.” The blush hit Carson’s cheeks instantly. “Which makes sense, because you are a dork.”
“Well, a ‘dork’ is a whale penis, soooo.” Carson held out the last part of “so” for a few seconds.
“What are we? In the third grade?” I was laughing uncontrollably now, pushing his shoulder.
“Maybe we are.” Carson said flirtatiously, putting his hand on the small of my back. I pursed my lips together and leaned over, inches from his ear.
“Well, then, maybe I like dorks.” I pretended to flirt back, giggling my way through it. I looked down and saw my scarf in the drawer, that Carson took from me when we first got here.
“Your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We’re singing in the car, getting lost upstate…”
I was riding shotgun with the windows down in the front seat of his car. The summer air was flowing through my hair. As I looked around, I realized I didn’t have a tiniest idea where we were.
I turned the radio down and asked, “Where are we going, Cars?”
He looked over at me and just shrugged his shoulders.
“I got so high that I just kept driving!” He laughed. I could hear the sarcasm in his voice. “I have no idea at this point.”
I wanted to shove him, but I also didn’t want to die from making us swerve into a ditch. He was such a comedian to himself. Looking at him, I honestly couldn’t believe I had stumbled across him. I felt as if I were the luckiest person in the world. My heart giggled at his presence and my stomach screamed every time he looked at me. I leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek.
“I love you so much, its stupid.” I confessed., staring into his eyes, that stayed focused on the road.
“I love you so much that I’m stupid.” He said, flashing a smile towards me.
I felt myself being smitten over him. My cheeks were bright red, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“You’re so fucking stupid.” I laughed.
“The autumn leaves falling down, like pieces into place,
And I can picture it after all these days”
“Do you ever think about why the leaves turn the colors that they do?” Carson asked, as we walked down the street.
The leaves were strewn perfectly around us, in an abundance of colors of red, yellow, and orange. It was turning colder, as November was right around the corner. As Carson and I walked home from the store that day, our breath was visibly hanging in front of our mouths.
“Like the scientific or biological reason they turn colors?” I had to ask. I sarcastically added, “Because I’m very smart and I know that they lose chlorophyl-“
“No, stop your yip-yap, ya young whipper snapper!” He interrupted me in his typical old man accent.
It wasn’t a windy day, but the cold lingered in the air, just nudging you, making sure you knew that it was still around. I shivered as the cold creeped its way up my spine.
“I mean… do you think they get to choose the colors they become?” He asked, resting his voice to talk normal again. I shook my head slightly in disbelief.
“I wish I could tell you, Cars.” I shrugged. “But I don’t know. Don’t you think they’d wanna choose more than the three colors that they turn?”
“I would be a different color.” Carson admitted. “I’d wanna stand out from the crowd. I’d be a purple leaf!”
I linked my arm into his, and put my hand in my coat pocket again.
“Well, one thing’s for sure.” I said.
“What’s that?” Carson asked.
“I’d be sure to find you, and keep you forever.” I said.
A slight smirk grew across his face, he put his hand in my coat pocket, where my hand was resting, and wove his fingers in between mine.
“Do you know how much a scientist would pay for if you were a purple leaf?” I teased.
“And I know it’s long gone, and that magic’s not here no more
And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all…”
“How are you feeling today, Russel?” The man asked me.
I stared blankly at the wall behind him, refusing to answer.
“Is there anything specific you need to talk about?”
Again, I just didn’t answer. I looked down at my legs, sitting as still as ever, lifeless.
“Are you fine, Russel?” He asked again.
A tear fell down my face and onto my legs. The wet spot was soaked up by the denim, and just sat there in its place. I knew on the inside that I wasn’t fine, but I didn’t want to talk about it.
I looked up across from me, just seeing him look at me. Judging me. I still hadn’t answered him.
“Are you okay?” He persisted.
“Yeah.” My voice cracked. “I’m okay.”
“Because there we are again on that little town street.
You almost ran the red, because you were looking over at me.
Wind in my hair I was there, I remember it all too well.”
“And that’s why Rocket Raccoon is the best superhero.” Carson continued on after a long rant of superheroes, their special abilities, and their flaws. Carson was driving home from the concert, since he was the one who wanted to go see the band that was playing.
“That’s so fascinating.” I said plainly, scrolling through my phone.
There was silence for a few seconds, and I had finally realized that Carson wasn’t talking to me anymore. I looked up from my phone and over at Carson, who was intently staring at me.
“Why are you staring at me?” I asked
“Because I love you and you’re a gorgeous human being.” He said, smiling away.
I rolled down my window. With the wind in my hair, I looked out into the night sky. The sky was clear, and I could see every star, shining their own light, in their own ways. Some bright, some dim, some sparkled, and some shined. I looked back towards the road and saw a red light ahead. I thought to myself that Carson would slow down, but when it came time to slow down, he wasn’t pressing the brakes.
“Red light.” I warned him.
The car was continuing at the same speed, as we quickly approached the intersection. I looked over at Carson, who was still staring at me.
“Carson, red light!” I yelled and pointed.
Carson jolted himself straight forward, as he punched the brakes with both feet. We both immediately lunged forward. The tires screeched as we came to a dead stop, skidding about two inches past the white line. I had ahold of my chest, making sure I was still alive. After a second, I let out a deep breath.
I looked over at Carson who was staring straight ahead, trying to avoid my attention. “Why are you always trying to kill me?”
“Because I love you and you’re a gorgeous human being.” He repeated himself with that stupid smile was glued to his face.
“Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team”
I ran my fingers through the photos of Carson and Carly that were strategically placed in a photo album. The album sat on an entertainment center with other photos and small Christian figurines. The TV hung on the wall above, so it was kind of hard to miss the photos that were asking to be looked at.
I flipped to a page where Carson must’ve been about three years old. Carson used to be such a chunky kid. The picture was of Carson holding a banana just in his Elmo shirt and a diaper. His cheeks are extra chunky, but his smile had never changed. I looked around to see if anybody was around, and slid my finger behind the plastic, slipping the photo out of it’s casing. I took another look at the picture, smiling, before sliding it into my back pocket.
I put the photo album down and moved down along the mantle of pictures. A picture of Carson in a baseball jersey, he couldn’t have been older than five, and the bat is literally taller than him.
“He used to just sit out in the grass and pick dandelions and bring them to me after the game.” Helene said from behind me.
I jumped a little, quickly turning around.
Helene stepped up, and put a hand on my shoulder, as she shared the moment with me. “But he wanted to play tee ball, so I let him. I tried to let him do as much as he wanted to.”
“He’s always willing to try something new, just to see if he likes it.” I said, looking at her.
“Well, that’s something that hasn’t changed about him.” Helene giggled. “He’s always been my little adventurer.”
“You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me.”
“It was a hard life growing up for me.” Carson began.
He put down his coffee cup, and scooted closer to me, wrapping the blanket we were sharing, around us.
I laid my head on his shoulder, and put my hand on the other side of his waist, lazily holding him. “My parents should’ve divorced before they had Carly, because when I was five, I was already understanding that parents should fight every night. Then, when Carly was born, they actually divorced and didn’t tell anybody for a long time.”
“Why didn’t they tell anybody that they got a divorce?” I asked him.
Carson cleared his throat, and I looked up at him. The Christmas tree lights were illuminating in his eyes, and I found myself the most peaceful I had been in a while.
“You know, I’m not really sure.” He answered me. “I just think that everyone was telling them it was going to work between my parents. So, when it did happen, maybe they were embarrassed that those people were right.”
I looked away from him for a second, trying to imagine the story Carson was telling me, in my head.
“Alright, go on.” I urged.
“Well, I hated going to my dad’s for the weekend… I absolutely hated it.” I put down my hot chocolate on the table in front of me, listening intently to every detail. “You see, my dad didn’t know what it was like to actually grow up and take care of his kids. He wouldn’t get a baby sitter and he would just either go out and drink and come home super late; or he would get drunk at the house, keeping us awake for hours. Even when we had to stay there while Mom worked, and had to be at school the next morning, he would be keeping us up at night. Whatever way he chose to spend his night, I was ultimately the one who got punished.”
“Wait,” I put a hand up, “what do you mean ‘punished’.”
“I mean, he used to hit me.” Carson said blankly.
My heart sank lower than I ever felt it go before. I looked at Carson with wild eyes, and he was staring at the living room table. I could see the tears forming in his eyes, that were trying to hide the fear that still thrived behind them.
“When I came home with a black eye, my dad told me to tell everyone that I got kicked in the face at the playground by a kid on the swing. When CPS came to inspect what was happening, I was wishing that they would just take me and Carly away from our dad, and we would be with Mom so we would never have to see my dad again.”
Carson was still staring at the table. His eyes didn’t move. He didn’t blink. It was as if he were made of stone. You could tell Carson was reluctantly remembering his childhood.
“Unfortunately, they came to my mom’s house at the time, who obviously, took really good care of us, and didn’t see her unfit as a parent. I wanted to tell them they came to the wrong house, because nobody knew where my dad lived besides us. But I was always afraid of my dad coming back and beating me.”
Carson unwrapped himself from the blanket, planting his feet to the ground, covering his face with his hands.
“Are you still afraid of him?” I asked.
Carson looked up from his hands, and over at me. The tears had made his eyes red.
“Sometimes.” He confessed.
“And I know it’s long gone, and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to…”
The air conditioning was set way too low in the local store. I had chills going up my arms every few minutes. I walked down the hair product aisle and got some of my gel, shampoo, and conditioner I needed.
I kinda scoped the store around to see if I needed anything else I couldn’t think of. I made my way to a checkout lane, waiting for my turn to pay. A person came up behind me, and I could feel them on the back of my neck. I made a swift turn to catch a glimpse of some white-rimmed glasses. I didn’t pay much attention to them, trying my best to mind my own business.
The person in front of me cashed out, and I took my turn laying my items up on the counter. The old lady at the register started to scan the products.
“Have you missed me?” A familiar voice said behind me.
I instantly felt like I could puke at the familiarity of his voice. I could recognize it anywhere.
I turned my head to the side to realize the person behind the white-rimmed glasses was Carson.
My anxiety sky rocketed and I did my best to keep calm. I felt the lump pushing its way out of my throat, and I had to measure out my breathing. I took a second look at him to see if I was really seeing Carson.
“No.” I blatantly lied.
“Well, why not?” Carson asked, trying to be funny, as usual.
“Because you broke my fucking heart.” I said loudly enough for everyone to hear around us.
You could feel the tension spew between the two of us, as Carson tensed up from the tone of my voice. I turned my whole body to him, giving him my full attention.
“We were in love… No, we were more than in love. We were obsessed with each other. Then, one day, out of the blue, you decided to desert me.”
I took a step towards Carson, so I was inches away from his face.
“And you didn’t even have the balls to tell me to my face that you didn’t love me anymore.”
My voice cracked and was shaking uncontrollably. I took a moment to catch my breath, and fought back my tears.
“But I did lov-“ Carson began.
“No you didn’t.” I said sternly, my finger pointed to his face.
I looked around and everybody was staring at us, and I felt not only the people around us were staring, but everybody in the whole store was staring. I put down my finger and looked him up and down one last time.
“So, fuck you, Carson.” I handed the lady a twenty dollar bill and didn’t even wait for my six dollars to be handed back to me.
I reached over to the bags, and took my items, rushing to the front doors. As soon as I heard the automatic doors close behind me, I stopped and tried to keep my emotions under control. I bolted for my car, opening the trunk with my key fob before I got there. I threw in the bags and got into the car. The moment the door slammed shut, I let out the loudest cry I could, covering my face.
“Because there we are again in the middle of the night
We danced around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all to well…”
I went into the kitchen and bent over into the refrigerator to get a beer, and “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perry started playing behind me, out of nowhere.
I turned around as Carson shut off the lights and the only thing illuminating the room was the light from the refrigerator. Carson walked up to me and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me closer to him. I put my arms around his neck, turning my head to the side. Carson pressed his lips to my neck.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
His hands tightened on my body, pulling me even closer. I laid my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and his breathing.
“Don’t you ever just have this urge to dance with someone you really like?” He started. “Even though we were just dancing, like, ten minutes ago?”
I nodded my head, slowly. I took my fingers and slowly started to unbutton the first button of his shirt. I felt him tremble under my hands.
“Do I make you nervous, Kinsley?” I asked, chuckling.
I lowered my left hand down to his chest and kept my head to him as we just slowly danced around in the kitchen.
“Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well…”
I came home from work. My eyes were puffy from crying. Walking up the stairs, I looked up at my apartment door to see that my door was slightly ajar. My eyes widened and I hurried up my pace, and stopped dead in my tracks as I reached the door. The door was definitely open, and I didn’t even think twice about opening the door the rest of the way, I just did. I took a step inside, closed the door, and turned on the lights.
I wasn’t completely sure of what had completely happened once everything I had seen finally registered in my mind. The living room was in shambles. I was greeted with holes all over the walls. The carpet had been torn up, leaving nothing but the bare wood, that it covered, and the places where the carpet was still attached, were destroyed with bleach. I felt the panic fit itself into my heartbeat. Looking around, I just kept seeing more and more destruction and damage caused throughout the house.. The windows were shattered, my TV had a hole right through the screen, being able to see the wall on the other side. The couch cushions were spewing out cotton, as they sat on a frame with broken legs. My living room table made of glass, had my Playstation sitting in the middle of its wreckage, had being used to destroy both the table and the gaming system.
The kitchen had another broken window, along with the oven window being busted out. All the cabinet doors and drawers were broken off and torn apart, lying in the corner. The refrigerator and freezer doors were both in the pile as well. The bathroom had a shattered mirror, along with the top of the toilet smashed in the toilet bowl, leaking out into the kitchen.
The bedroom had the worst damage. The mattress had been knifed all over, that if you were to sleep on it, you would eventually find yourself inside the mattress. My dresser and drawers were completely destroyed. Every article of clothing I had sat in a pile, reeking of bleach. The carpet had been torn up, and bleached in here as well. The picture frames that featured my favorite pictures of Carson and I had been destroyed, and the pictures laid on the ground torn up into pieces. The closet was bare and destroyed. No clothes were hanging and the rods, because the rods had been snapped in half. Clothes hangers were strewn around everywhere. The only thing to be untouched was sitting in the middle of the closet on its stand: my dad’s guitar.
“You call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest”
When I showed up at this random person’s house, the party was definitely at its peak. Beer bongs were being passed around; and along with that, blunts were being rolled, smoked, and handed to me within a matter of seconds. I took a puff and passed it to a random person next to me. Carson popped up in front of me out of nowhere, and pulled me over to these group of girls who all had plastic cups. They were probably drinking some of the spiked punch I saw on the tables, that had a variation of snacks spread around it.
“Russ, you have to meet these girls!” Carson slurred.
The smell of alcohol fell off of his breath. I closed my eyes, and shook a little bit, the smell was so pungent.
“How many beers have you had tonight?” I asked, very concerned.
“Zero.” He pursed his lips until he couldn’t hold in his laughter anymore, and spit all over the left side of my face. I slowly wiped my face off. “I’ve had fireball. All of it.” He pulled five handles of the whiskey out of the freezer, which were mostly empty.
“You drank all of those handles by yourself, huh?” I joked. I grabbed him by the shoulder, making sure he was truly okay.
“Well, if you don’t believe that then best believe I made out with all of these girls tonight.” He laughed, pointing at me directly in my face.
I turned my head sideways, in disbelief, trying to make sure I decoded the slurring of words correctly that the alcohol added to his speech.
“You made out with them?” I asked, pointing over at the three girls, who were emerged in their own conversation.
“Mmhm.” Carson mumbled as he nodded his head, proudly. I looked back at the three girls.
“Excuse me?” I hit the island with my hand a couple of times, catching their attention.
The girls looked over at me, and didn’t say a word.
“Did you ladies make out with him?” I asked.
The girls looked around and scurried out of the kitchen like mice. I looked over at Carson who just put his hands up, shrugging as if he didn’t know what was happening.
“Fuck off.” I turned and started to make my way out of the party.
Another blunt was handed to me and I took it as I walked out the front door. I took a puff of the blunt and took out my car keys.
“Russel!” I heard Carson from behind me. “Russel! Stop!”
I fumbled with my keys and unlocked my car finally. I opened the door and turned around to be greeted by Carson.
“What?” I said as calmly as I could. “What the FUCK do you want?!”
“What the hell?!” He exclaimed. “Where the fuck are you going?!”
“Home…” I said, as if it were an obvious answer.
“Well, you’re not going to drive home with that blunt, are you?” He asked.
“That’s what you’re worried about?” I laughed almost hysterically. “The blunt?”
I took two puffs off the blunt, blew the smoke in Carson’s face, grabbed his hand, turned his arm over so his wrist was facing up, and stuck the blunt, cherry first, onto Carson’s arm. Carson screamed in utter pain and agony as the blunt burned straight into his skin.
“What the fuck?!” He yelled. He smacked my hand away from his arm, knocking the blunt out of my fingers and onto the ground. I looked back at Carson’s arm and a perfect circle of a welt was still red, hot on his skin. He hollered a bit as he was fanning and blowing on his arm to cool it down.
“Call me tomorrow, if you wanna talk.” I demanded.
I got in my car and took off, taking a left out of the neighborhood.
“I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
Because I remember it all too well…”
I heard the man shuffle from his chair next to the couch that was next to me. I wiped away my tears and cleaned my hands with my jeans. A soft hand appeared on my knee and I looked up to see him sitting next to me.
“Russel, it’s okay. You’re an amazing, bright, young, intelligent man. You’ll learn to love yourself after some time.” He comforted.
He got up from the couch and began writing something down on a piece of paper.
“And whenever that time is, I just want you to remember this.” He came over and handed me what he wrote down:
“You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you”
I smiled at him, and the instant he turned around, I squashed the note in my hand, and shoved it in my pocket. He didn’t know about me and Carson… nobody did.
“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it”
“I could accuse myself for staying so long with someone who didn’t want to reciprocate the same feelings, but that’s not productive nor the point. Sometimes, we choose to see the best in people who aren’t the ones for us, but that doesn’t make us to blame. They are the ones who took advantage of someone’s kindness and love, and now, we can walk away with the knowledge that we need to be more selective in who we grant our second chances to.” I finished reading aloud to Mom as she was driving us to Chicago for the day.
“You’re such a talented writer, Russ.” She said keeping her eyes on the road. “Truly!”
She giggled, as I gave her a look that said, “I don’t believe you”.
“That was really good. Like, really good! I just wish that your personality would come back. You used to be so funny and happy and charming. I mean, after Carso-“
“Mom!” I pretty much yelled. It was much louder than intended, because we were in the car. “Please, let’s not talk about it.”
“After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own”
Our first bonfire together, I remember never saying a word. We took molly that night, and I wrapped my arms around you, feeling my arms buzz warmly all over. We somehow knew what the other was thinking, just exchanging looks, smiling, and then bursting out in laugher, not able to contain it anymore. The smell of burning wood had made its impression on our clothes, and as much as I washed them after that night, they still have that smokey hint to them.
I had my head laying on your shoulder and traced the square patterns over and over again on your plaid shirt. The way the fabric felt under my fingertips was something I had never experienced before. I giggled to myself as I wanted to use my whole arm to trace the pattern, and eventually, my whole body. I can forget what we talked about that night, but I will never forget what we felt from the drugs and what we felt towards each other,
“Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone”
“Russel, you have a package!” Mom yelled from the kitchen.
I came out of the bedroom and looked at it. I picked up the package from the table. When I finally found the name of the sender, a shock surged through my body: Carson Kinsley. I closed my eyes, pushing back the tears, throwing it in the trash with a thud.
“Was that junk mail?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, Mom.” My voice cracking.
I opened the sliding glass door, and slowly closed it behind me. I walked over to my car, and just sat behind it and cried. I cried until I felt that it was ridiculous that I was still crying. To this day, I still have no idea what was in that package.
“But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
Because it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it, because you remember it all too well…”
I grabbed my scarf from the drawer, just so I had it when we left.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw that in there. It was just in my hand.” Carson explained himself. “I just set it in there.”
“No, its fine. I just didn’t want to forget it -“ I broke off, and looked down at the scarf. “You know what? You keep it.”
I stuffed the scarf back into the drawer, which still had some clothes in there. Carson leaned over and kissed my lips gently.
“You do know that I live with you, right?” He asked.
Intentionally, he pushed the drawer closed, leaving the scarf inside.
“Because there we are again, when I loved you so…”
“I love you so much.” I whispered to Carson. The fire was keeping our faces warm, but we were keeping each other’s bodies warm. His smile reached back to his ears. His hand moved up my back, and I inched myself just a little closer to him, laying my head on his shoulder. I unbuttoned his flannel to feel him a little more. I smelled his skin, as it grazed my lips and nose.
“And why’s that?” Carson asked me.
“I have no fucking idea!” I laughed. “But I do.”
“Well, good,” the words registering through my mind, as I heard them. He kissed me softly on my neck, “because I love you so much, too.”
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well…”
“You’ve got this wall up, and you don’t allow anyone inside.” The man explained.
I looked down at the floor. My feelings were kind of hurt that he was saying what he was saying to me, because he was exactly right.
“You’re so overprotective of yourself because you’ve been rebuilding yourself after you’ve been destroyed. The word ‘love’ means ‘I’ll be hurt’ through your eyes, so you just begin to trust nobody.”
I rolled my head back, and felt the truth surge through my body, like Jesus, himself, had blessed me. The tears built behind my eyelids, and I covered my eyes as I rested my elbows on my legs, beginning to sob uncontrollably.
“Wind in my hair, you were there, but you remember it all…”
“That’s why you almost killed me?” I asked as the car still rocked forwards and back from Carson’s abrupt stop. The light was still red hanging above us.
“I would take it as a compliment.” Carson shrugged. I slapped his shoulder, and grabbed the side of his head, and kissed him on the cheek.
“You’re lucky I sorta, kinda like you.” I told him softly.
“Down the stairs, you were there, but you remember it all…”
The song ended, and Carson never let me go. His arms were wrapped tight around my body, and his face was nested into my neck. He just kept swaying me in the dim refrigerator light. I pulled my head off of his chest and looked at him.
“What?” Carson questioned.
I wanted to spill every ounce of love into words, so Carson could know exactly what I was feeling in that moment. The moment of him holding me not only now, but every single time he was around me. Him and his love were just two things that I felt that I could never let go of. Not until death made me let go.
“I’ll never let you go.” I finally said, laying my head back on his chest. Carson kissed the top of my forehead.
“Never.” He repeated.
“It was rare, I was there…”
I felt my cry begin at my feet. The low growl I was making hummed in my stomach. The growl eventually fought its way up my body and out of my mouth, as I sobbed. The uncontrollable feeling of pity and despair was traveling from my mind through the rest of my body, slowly breaking me down from the inside out.
“What the fuck?!” I cried to myself.
I pulled out my phone and tried to call Carson and it went straight to voicemail. I tried to call again and again. I threw my phone at the wall and just couldn’t do anything but bend over and cry. I scooted all the way down to the floor and just cried into my hands as my shoulders shook. I had finally felt that I had hit rock bottom, and I had all the warning in the world. I had been fired from my job, apparently broken up with, and had my apartment destroyed all in less than twenty-four hours.
I pushed myself up off the floor and grabbed a trash bag. I started to clean up what I could off the floor, as I continued to sob uncontrollably. I started with the bleached clothes, which made all of the different fabrics turn into different colors, but nonetheless, all of the clothes were destroyed. The smell of bleach was rushing straight to my brain, because I was huffing the odor from crying. I felt instantly dizzy and threw my head in the trash bag and threw up. I caught my breath with my head still in the bag, getting a nose full of bleach again, making me throw up a second time.
There were three loud knocks at my front door. I wiped my mouth clean, and looked in the direction of the living room. I got up slowly, every bone in my body was trembling as I made my way through the apartment. I had tried my best to stop making sounds as I cried, and sopped up the tears on the back of my hand. I unlocked the deadbolt, freeing the door open. Through the doorway, two policemen in uniform were standing before me… I had finally done it… I had finally hit rock bottom.
“I remember it all too well.”
