Finding love was a tough thing to do. It was terrifying, the intangible thing that for some was so easy to see and for others impossible to believe. It lurked amorphously among the what-ifs and maybes, obscured by uncertainty. Love was like a fairytale creature, something that took trust and faith to see it, to feel it, yet never able to contain it. Never able to keep it from slipping away in the dead of night, or simply not coming home from a battle, it wandered about as it pleased taking half your spark everywhere it went with the uncertain promise of its return.
Glittering gold and smokey grey… Bluestreak nestled closer to Sunstreaker, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Silver and gold, they went together quite nicely. If they could have a baby the way Carly did, would it be copper? Maybe bronze?
The wash of pride from Prowl earned a smile even as tears sprung up in his optics, hastily dabbed away on the back of his hand. Don’t cry yet, don’t cry yet-
“Let’s do this,” Bluestreak agreed, taking a breath to steady himself as he took hold of the frontliner’s hands, thumbs stroking over the dark ‘gloves’ that led to golden fingertips.
“Sunstreaker. When I met you…” Bluestreak’s optics wandered a bit as he thought of what to say, but focused back on the golden twin with a sheepish grin, “I was honestly pretty scared of you at first. At first. I was just hopeful that we could be agreeable acquaintances through your brother and that I never pissed you off. But, everything changed when…” He had to forcibly stop himself from saying ‘the fire nation attacked’. No no. Now is not the time for dumb nervous jokes. He worried briefly that Sideswipe would see the effort on his face and chime in of his own accord and then he would laugh and then they’d never get through this- “When… the seeker came. For a while it really felt like the only people in my corner were Prowl and Jazz and. And you. You didn’t have any real reason to be there, you didn’t owe anything to me, but you were there for me. You showed up when I needed you the most, and … you kept showing up when I needed you. Despite all the things that have befallen us in the war and on Earth and all the grey face chaos and everything, you always seem to be right there to catch me.”
“And I desperately want to be there to catch you.”
“I promise that I’ll be by your side in all things, to help shoulder your burdens and carry you home. I promise to always try my damnedest to come back to you after every battle, after every assignment. I promise to listen, and to cherish the moments we have together, and not to blindly agree with things because it’s important that we can tell each other when we’re wrong, and I also promise not to get upset just because you told me I was wrong because that would just make me a hypocrite.”
“I promise to love the bad with the good, the ugly things we might see in the war as well as the pretty parts. I promise to take the bitter with the sweet.”
“I love you. I don’t know how long we’ll have here, but I do know I want to spend it with you, until all are one.”
It did flit into Sideswipe’s head to make that exact joke, but he refrained. Just as well he forgot almost immediately. His attention was instead a hundred percent on the two in front of them.
Becuse look at that. Look at them both getting a bit of happy.
….You know? It was kind of hilarious actually.
Sunstreaker had tried to work on what he had wanted to say during this moment. For years. On numerous occasions. During the calmer moments when he and Sideswipe were lost. Before then, when he and Bluestreak initially had tried to move forward with any of this… he had agonized over assigning words and elegance to all of the undefinable things he felt for the little Datsun.
Well, now it was his moment
and he didn’t know what to say.
All those rehearsed things? All those prepared lines? All that work he had stressed over? That seemingly endless list of things he had tried to map out that he had wanted to tell Bluestreak?
All it took was a few sweet words from Bluestreak and he was left dumbstruck. Because it kind of finally hit him, ‘Oh. They were doing this.’ For real. No more build up. No more quiet discussion about it. No last minute disasters to throw them off course. It was actually a thing that was happening. Now. Right now. That was a little surreal.
It was a little overwhelming actually. But in a good way, and wasn’t that such an awing thing? So maybe he was just…relishing in that.
To the point where maybe a little too much time passed from when Bluestreak finished saying such sweet, beautiful, cherished things, to when maybe he was supposed to take his turn.
Because how did you boil down years of moments, and feelings, and interactions? How did you distill it all down into its purest form so you could express an iota of how much it all meant? All those scrapped lines, and even that final draft he had made in preparation for all of this felt pale suddenly.
Maybe that’s why it ghosted from his thoughts so easily, beyond his grasp leaving him without the words.
Oddly though there wasn’t panic. Because he knew what he felt didn’t he? This all was just another step on this odd journey of theirs. One more moment, of hopefully countless more. Just… reaffirmation.
It made sense to just… speak from the spark then, right? Wouldn’t that be more meaningful?
So. Even though it wasn’t something he was the most comfortable with, he did just that.
“When I first met you, I didn’t understand you,” he eventually began almost quietly, sounding strangely awed. At Bluestreak. At this moment. At the collective of things that got them there.
Sunstreaker mused, “I didn’t try to understand you, you know.
“I didn’t try to understand anyone. Or rather I stopped. I thought I was incapable of anything like that. I tried sometimes early on. And I failed. Even when I thought I was doing something right, I failed. So I told myself that others were messy, complicated things. Unreliable, fickle, temporary and exhausting. And they can be, but maybe some of that was partly to…rationalize to myself. To feel more in control since I just… didn’t get it. People. Relationships of any kind beyond having a brother. Not like Sideswipe did. I didn’t understand how he made it so easy just…connecting with others. It was easy to him, but to me? People were exhausting. Like a language everyone but me could read. And eventually? I just… gave up. I told myself I didn’t need anyone else. A friend. Why would I? That would be just another burden. I had my brother. That was enough wasn’t it?”
“It’s a little funny actually,” he ran his thumb over Bluestreak’s knuckles, fighting for a composure that was supposed to be second nature for him, as he continued to improvise. “Honesty means so much to me-
“but here I was, all this time, lying to myself.
“Only I didn’t realize it until you offered me friendship. Little by little. I didn’t even notice at first. But there you were in my life. More and more. Incrementally. Even though I was mean. Even though I was difficult, and angry. Despite some of the cruel things I had said to you. If you were scared of me, there was a reason for it. That perception people have of me? It does have its basis in truth.”
He clutched the hands in and laid over his own. “You make me want to be better, you know? To not be so closed off, and so angry, mad at everyone and everything indiscriminately. First you meant something to Sideswipe which brought you closer, but I think I was drawn to you too. Maybe because you were earnest, and so bright. You’re sweet, and strong. You’re reliable, and smart, and you have this wit…. You say I was there for you, but at every turn you’ve been there for me, even when I was this scary thing. You gave me a chance and tried to see past a self imposed wall I’ve created. You’ve seen me during some of my lowest points. At some of my worst moments. Yet you helped get me through all of that, and I want you to know that I see that. I appreciate that. You have been there to catch me- and these last few years have been. Happy. Not perfect but…there’s more possibility now for good things and it’s partly because of you.”
He felt like a rudderless ship. Okay, so maybe now the nerves were snapping through his wires, as maybe a mild anxiety burned through him. He was bad at this. Terrible. Was he even doing this right? These were supposed to be vows, or promises, but he was just rambling, and words were not this forte, he should have written something down-
But he hadn’t. All preparedness had gone out the window. And so he went on. Maybe it was awkward, and rough around the edges but it was earnest.-
He, released smaller fingers, cupped Bluestreak’s jaw in his hands, and leaned in so they were crest to crown as they had stood so many times before, only now there was the added factor of lopsided flowers.
Silver and gold. They did compliment each other in the strangest and most unexpected ways.
“I can’t promise you forever because I know there’s so much outside of your control or mine…” despite the hint of melancholy there, affection was quick to burn it out. “- but for as long as you want me you’ll have me. You are my friend. My equal. My family. I promise to you that we’ll probably make more mistakes than we can count, but I’ll be here with you to learn and grow from them. I promise to give you beautiful moments, and happy things when I can. I promise to listen to you too, because Primus knows I have it in me to be a stubborn idiot. I promise that you can come to me for anything. That you can always talk to me, because communication goes both ways doesn’t it? I won’t idealize any of this and hold it to an impossible standard. We’re flawed. Were flawed but we make something more than the sum of our parts, don’t we?”
“I promise to learn with you. To change with you. To be honest with you. To be in your corner when you need me, as you promised to be in mine.”
“I want to face the future with you. Whatever it holds. The good. The bad. The terrible things and the wondrous things.”
“I’m not always the best at communicating, it’s one of a lot of things I need to work on if you don’t mind putting up with that, but I promise to try to show you with actions how much you mean to me.”
“Words can be air, but I want the things I’m telling you to have a weight to them. So don’t think that will simply…stop just because of this here and now. This isn’t the end to anything. A final box to tick off. A finish line. Just…one more thing we get to do together right?”
“Because I love you too. And for as long as we do have, and as long as you’ll have me, I want to stay by your side. Til all are one.”
Sunstreaker paused a beat, looking… a little lost now that the words had burned through him.
“I’m…. not sure what else to say now?”
He ducked just a little bit closer, and murmured almost under his breath, “I…tried. I hope that wasn’t awful-”
