solace

i write with a poison pen

[jazzminte]

we are all blessed and tested in different ways. i just pray that we get through it all.

[jazzminte]

tolerate it

i sit and watch you reading with your head low i wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed i sit and watch you i notice everything you do or don't do

you're so much older and wiser and i-

i wait by the door like i'm just a kid use my best colors for your portrait lay the table with the fancy shit and watch you tolerate it if it's all in my head tell me now :( tell me i've got it wrong somehow :(

i know my love should be celebrated but you tolerate it.

i greet you with a battle hero's welcome i take your indiscretions all in good fun i sit and listen i polish plates until they gleam and glisten

while you were out building other worlds, where was i? where's that mom who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire?

i made you my temple, my mural, my sky

NOW I'M BEGGING FOR FOOTNOTES IN THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE drawing hearts in the byline, ALWAYS TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE OR TIME you assume i'm fine but what would you do if i BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN RUINS? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOVED IT? gain the weight of you to lose it, BELIEVE ME I COULD DO IT.

i know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it.

i sit and watch you.

[jazzminte]

i haven't... written about my mother in a long, long while. not really sure why we're here again after that long of a time.

think maybe coz i'd been listening to the grudge by liv rodrigo, and it reminded me so much of the songs i'd associated with her. then i remember how i've never actually written about tolerate it, the one song that practically changed my life. the trajectory of it, the tragedy of it all. brain chemistry altering etc etc what say you.

drk where this is going. just thought these lines hit me like a buttcheek on a stick when i first heard them. lemme have a go at it.

the arguments that i've won against you in my head in the shower, in the car and in the mirror before bed yeah i'm so tough when i'm alone and i'd make you feel so guilty and i fantasize about a time when you're a little fuckin sorry and i try to understand why you would do this all to me you must be insecure, you must be so unhappy and i know in my heart, hurt people hurt people and we both drew blood, but man, those cuts were never equal

do you think i deserved it all?

you built me up to watch to watch me fall you have everything and you still want more

i try to be tough, i try to be mean but even after all this you're still everything to me and i know you don't care, i guess that that's fine but you know i can't let it go, i've tried, i've tried, i've tried

it takes strength to forgive, but i'm not quite sure i'm there yet

[jazzminte]

another

a kiss on the cheek. then a gentle peck on the lips. then another. and another. "i'm sorry." then another. apology— then another. a single tear runs down his cheek. then another. "i'm sorry, i love you, i love you." then another.

and you'd spend the night hearing his seemingly endless declarations of his love for you, spilling out the brim like a well that never dries up. he explodes, and all you can do is take. and hold. and kiss in return. kiss his tears, with your own staining both your cheeks and his. kisses and tears, so much love lost but only in time, never in number. he wants to make up for it, and you want him to.

but deep down you know that a little part of you will never be the same anymore. no matter how much he tries. no matter how many times. another— then another.

it will never alter.

[jazzminte]

takpe ayunni, you are always exactly where you need to be. for now just focus on your work, yes it's challenging, because everywhere you go you will face challenges no matter what.

ya Allah i am so sorry that i only go to You whenever i am at my lowest point, but i feel like it is time that i turn back to You because i haven't done that in soooooooo so so long

;_;

do ease my affairs my Lord… only You that i can rely on. i thank You for helping me get through the pain of harboring feelings for (redacted), now i ask You to help with the anxiety i always feel at my current job…. i only hope to get better opportunities for me and my friends ya Allah Ameennn

[jazzminte]

i pray we all receive the love we give out to the world, a thousand times more. ameen

[jazzminte]

before i held you, i didn't know

that the world i was in was this bright i reached you with a small breath of life a love that called out to me fearlessly

i liked it so much, watching over you, my heart fluttering even when i was ridiculously jealous of all those ordinary moments in the dark eternity in that long wait like sunshine, you came down to me.

before i let go of you, i didn't know that the world i'm in was this lonely pretty flowers bloomed and withered here the season of you will never come again i started becoming greedy i wanted to live with you, grow old with you hold your wrinkled hands and say how warm my life was it was just one blessing after that short encounter you cried like the rain

i wanted to be happy for once but that made you cry

forget everything and move on because i will go to you when your breath calls out to me again

i won't ever forget watching over you, my heart fluttering even when i was ridiculously jealous of all those moments you gave to me someday, we'll meet again it'll be the happiest day

i will go to you like the first snow.

i will go to you.

[jazzminte]

sometimes i wonder why does my mind work the way it does. why does it think of such silly little insignificant dumbassery things. why can't it think of the now, of the obvious, of the foreseeable future, if there is any? yet it still looks for anything in the smallest of things to try and make it about the goddamn mammoth occupying the goddamn space it has. goddamn it.

[jazzminte]

i truly wish you will never find a love like mine after this. a love like me.

enter happier by o.r.

[jazzminte]

sometimes i wonder. if you ever come back, will i welcome you as easily as i would have this time last year?

and holy shit. it's been more than a year now. in just 2 months time, this year will end, and we'll go back to the date i wished you all that with the happy new year and shit and hoooly shit why does that feel like it happened only yesterday?

this year went by SO FAST it all feels so surreal. or was it because i was at rock bottom last year, it had felt like the longest fucking time. having to unlearn your love and affection, having to relearn how to be okay on my own again. these days the days go by so quick, now that i no longer have to yearn to spend them with you.

will you ever come back, though? seems like you'd completely moved on with your life. feelings change, they can fade with time, with a lack of sight.

i still can't help but wonder, though. what's the worst that could happen in the years to come?

[jazzminte]

and what about you? do you have plans? for the future? goals? something to look forward to? or has life broken you so much that you'd resorted to short-lived happiness? ones that come as easily as they go? you rely on no strings attached, no lifelong commitment, no additional burdens of new, heavy, scary responsibilities. you'd rather people get hurt after you've left, because by then it's no longer a problem of yours. you'd rather move on to the next best thing, the next person or thing that can bring you that unadulterated joy you so crave for, or at least anything remotely close to it. because you know, deep down in the trenches of your seemingly wretched heart, i was the one thing that allowed you to finally feel it. all this time, it's always been just close enough, yet still out of reach. call me a narcissist, but i know i was the one thing that scared you the most, for all the new kinds of joy and feelings you'd never even imagine you could feel, you had to feel and face because of me. and so you do what you do best; run away from it. when it starts being overwhelming, instead of having to deal with the pain of being left, you leave first. so you left, and decided not to dwell on it too much, lest it starts to feel real and painful again. enough pain. you do not like to deal with it. so you leave, and you run, and you pretend like nothing happened. and you grasp onto that familiar feeling again—not having to commit, pining and yearning from afar. safe. you feel safe. the feeling is familiar and safe. this way nobody gets hurt but you. and even so, the pain is also familiar. you are scared of taking leaps of faith, for having been disappointed more times than you can count growing up. so you opt for the familiar and safe feelings instead.

i hope despite all of this, i still continue to haunt your mind. prancing wildly in the fog of your memory. i hope you still hear my blaring laughter, i hope you see shadows of me in the corner of your eye. i know there could be no one else quite like me, but i hope you stumble upon pieces and fragments of me in the littlest things. in the coffee orders i used to love. at the roadside stalls, in my favorite food orders, my writings and favorite artist. my playlists and songs. in my words. in the echoes of my low octave voice. in the things i taught you, the stories i've told, the world i showed. i hope i never leave your mind, even as you stare seemingly lovingly at another, even if the reasons for your smiles and quick-paced heartbeats are now because of another.

i hope you are always reminded of how genuine my love for you was, is, will be was. and i hope you never feel that again with anyone else.

i can wish you well, but deep down in the trenches of my seemingly wretched heart—i know there will never be anyone else who can come even close to who i am—who i was in your life.

[jazzminte]

i've been aching to write about something.

about anything. about you.

about the time when i first felt it. the times i'd anticipate it. i'd anticipated it, but denial is still just a river in Egypt.

oh how i remember the promises that you made. the ones that you'd make, in the heat of the moment, ever so carelessly, seeming so confidently.

i had faith in you back then, too how sure you had sounded, how determined. it had seemed like you had the world in the palm of your hands.

it had seemed that i was the world. in your hands and in your eyes, in your head and your wildest dreams, sweet words falling effortlessly from your damn lips.

and then, it was nothing. and then, there was no longer anything.

everything i learned and believed to be true, "genuine, authentic" but i was left without a clue. every single word coming from you, "your wellbeing is my priority" but i was left feeling blue.

and so, here we are. here we are.

there you are with a newfound smile on your face, a new gem-covered name on your lips, a new adventurous girl running through your head.

here i am with a newfound rage in my case, a new uncovered feeling i've yet to embrace, and yet, another fuck you with another fuck off.

oh how i thought you were different. for the longest time, for the most uncouth reasons, ever so hopelessly, seemingly endless with empathy.

but then, there you go. so happily betraying your made up promises, of sunshine-filled chemicals.

and then, here i will go. so hopefully learning from yet another lesson, of unbridled attention, of striking conviction.

free from what i once thought was a life-threatening addiction.

i've been aching to write about something, but most of all, i've been aching to finally be able to walk free.

[jazzminte]

see i’d give this song for you to listen. but sadly we don’t even talk anymore.

[jazzminte]

who am i kidding girlll i still cry at the very thought of u. even though not as instantly now. and not as much. not as easily.

i’ve been doing better, yes, but that still doesn’t mean i’ve been doing okay.

[jazzminte]

saya rindu je kat awak tapi nak buat cane en, i have to keep doing this even though i tend to go back to square one 😭🥹 tapi there's been progress la every time, and i think that's what matters most. pape pun, u look like you’re doing good, so why do i need to have u know everything about me still kan. this is for my wellbeing juga haha

the truth is that u left. there's no other way around that. u left, i was hurt, if u were too u certainly didn’t let it be known. at least to me.

and the truth is that i haven’t fully let go. time is all i have now, so i’m gonna take as much of it as i might need.

[jazzminte]

i miss you dearly, and quite terribly. a great deal. a grave amount. i miss you the way the ocean misses the moon, how it pushes and pull for it, with the moon never landing, the ocean never reaching.

i miss you in that way, always longing, never reaching.

[jazzminte]

i am not doing ok without u despite what u might think. i may look like i have got my shit together but yeah i'd still hv it regardless of whether or not ure in my life. that doesnt make living life without u any less painful. that doesnt make witnessing u living ur life seemingly happy without me any less painful.