What Happens - How we deal with it

A survival manual, compass and map written specifically for people to chart a course through life's devastating storms

[jcb-phoenix]

IN Closing

I closing I will say this...

You have no idea how strong you are.

This is a double edge sword because your strength will come from making moves within your changed circumstances as well as from within your own head.

If my ordeal taught me anything it was this...

We are infinitely resourceful and powerful when the situation demands, to be able to get on and do what needs to be done and keep moving.

Your friends and family will be there to guide and support you but it has to emanate from inside you first and be manifested in action for it to take root and then support you.

What ever you are experiencing, I hope my words have found their mark with you and as I said in my first post, if even a little of what I have written here has helped you then it has been way worth my efforts and my intention has been fulfilled.

Good luck to you and god bless.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 15 - Trust your gut

As I look at this, it's kind of like "pick a path and hold your line" but if an experience like this can bring anything into contrast for you, it’s what is the right call and what is the wrong call.

So really, what I am saying here is, make the right call for you as a person.

Don't be too influenced by well meaning friends and family because only you know what is ultimately right for you and your family. You've gotta call it like you see it even if it's not popular with everyone. 

Even if it ends up being the wrong call as Mike Patton lead singer of "Faith no More" says "if it comes from inside you it's immediately valid"  

And you know what? Whenever has your gut feeling been the wrong call?

Never right?

And more importantly, how often have you known the right call in your gut and not gone with it and it turned out the way your gut feeling told you it was going to.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 14 - Look after yourself and seek regular solitude in the activities you love

Again this is pretty simple, but for your own sanity you really need to find the time and ask for the help for you to do stuff YOU want and NEED to do.

Ask friends to help, take time off work, leave kids with relatives or friends but do what you need to do to get (and keep yourself on track)

The obvious one is diet and exercise but what ever activity floats your boat - just make sure you're doing enough of it.

Don't get too locked down into a mundane routine without the stuff you really love.

For me it was surfing, playing guitar and catching up with friends. You already know what it is for you - simply make it a priority.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 13 - Re-assess what’s important to you

Pretty self explanatory really.

Just go through all the different areas of your life and be prepared to embrace certain things more (like your children if you have them) and get rid of stuff that simply doesn't matter. (like holding onto grudges with people that don't matter etc)

So go through friends, family, business or work, personal life, fitness, spirituality etc

and make a list of what's important to move ahead with and what's not.

This is a great way to shed some excess baggage and lighten your load for the journey ahead.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 12 - Know that we are never sent a challenge we can’t deal with

This is such an empowering thought and belief and the great thing about it is that there is evidence of it everywhere.

Ever notice how the most relaxed mothers are always the ones with the twins and triplets and the stressed out control freak mothers only have single births?

For me, I have spent a massive amount of my life studying psychology and personal development so really, if anyone could deal with something like this, it would be me.

I've even had at least 8 people who know me really well, actually say that to me.

But if you’re not a self help freak like me, don't let that stop you - if you hook into it in the right way, you can get through anything the world throws at you.

Just use the guidelines I have laid out here for a start and that should help you on your way.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 11 - Look for the humour in what’s happening

Yep this is another one that is kinda tough to get your head around but you know what? if you start looking you will find some humour. And laughter is an elixer all on it's own in terms of it's healing properties.

I refer to myself as super dad able to leap tall piles of washing in a single bound. 

Ok that's not really that funny but hey, if it amuses you then that's all that matters.

Life is full of humour, even when things are going pear shaped. you just need to notice it 

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 10 - Assume a situation metaphor

Pretty simple this one simply liken your situation to something that has a beginning and an end - for me it was being in a storm on the ocean.

The ocean has always held special significance for me being a surfer all my life and an avid water polo player and swimmer it was a no brainer.

This really helped me, as with all storms, you know that it will end.  In fact there’s this really cool concept known as "crisis point"

Crisis point is where you simply know things cannot possibly get worse. And then from that point things inevitably start getting better.

This is where the storm clouds dissolve revealing the blue sky and then the calm blue water. I absolutely love this metaphor and it helped me heaps along the way.

Again, for you it will be no doubt different but you'll think of something - it could be a marathon or a running race or a bike ride or a long walk along a familiar path.

What ever you come up with it'll help you for sure.

[jcb-phoenix]

This is my identity avatar 

Todd McFarlane created an awesome piece of art and one of my favorite images of all time with this piece - I also bought the poster and had this block mounted.

http://www.spawn.com/comics/series.aspx?series_id=1

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 9 - Assume an identity avatar

What the? Assume a what?

Yeah that's right, assume an identity Avatar

Mine was a cartoon character called Spawn - it's an image of a super hero with wings looking up into the sun that is shafting spectacularly through some clouds.

It's one of my favourite images and for me it was something that allowed me to summon strength and feel protected and safe from the things that were happening around me.

You will no doubt have a different one but choose a character you admire from your past, a movie or comic that you can identify with and then assume the strength wisdom and focus of that character.

I still have spawn as the wallpaper on my computer and on my phone - it's become a constant reminder to stay strong and keep moving through the storms of life. 

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 8 - Simplify your life

This is Major and it's simpler than you think.

For me I dissolved the complicated partnership agreement I had with my business partner - sure it took a good 3 months but I did I and came out the other end cleaner, leaner and way more flexible to look after my children and operate a more profitable business.

I lowered my overheads to as low as possible, got rid of a 50 thousand dollar car and rented a place where the rent was super low.

In my mind the less stuff I had tugging at me the better.

I moved close to my in-laws place where I had great access to family and friends to look after my then infant son and 3.5 year old daughter.

I locked into a routine of work, family and training with a strict exercise and diet program where I lost 8kgs and started to get my mind and my body ready to take on the new role I had taken on.

What ever you need to change to make your world as stress free as possible - just do it. Sell stuff, give stuff away, quit crap jobs and get a new one just re-arrange your deal so you are set up to get your life back on track.

[jcb-phoenix]

Steps 6 & 7 - Seek help from people and Accept all offers for help

Here's a tough one for many people.

They think that they need to "get through this on their own" and it's really unnecessary to put yourself under that type of stress.

It's not tough to "tough it out" solo and you just don't need to put yourself under that type of stress.  As the saying goes "a problem shared is a problem halved" 

Obviously, you need discretion as to who you are going to take advice from, but take some advice and talk to people who have navigated the same waters as you have before you.  They will have some insights and will give you some clues in how to cross some of the bridges and get your head around certain situations.

In terms of help, I sought the help of a councillor and it was the first time I have ever done that, but hey, I reckon had a pretty good reason this time round.

But here's what happened.  This guy was recommended to me by a close friend who I really respect and he was great.

I only went and saw him 4 times, twice before my wife passed and twice after and he pretty much just listened while I told him what was on my mind then he'd offer his take on my situation and that was it.

Don't feel weird getting help - it's why those people are there, to help when stuff happens to people just like you - just reach out and ask don't hold it in.

My motto was "i'm saying yes to everyone".  Did I take everyone up on their offers? 

No way 

but I did seek out and accept the counsel of some awesome people and it really helped.

This is important as well so don't be shy - people want to help so allow them to.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 5 - Lock in to a course of action and hold your line

So once you've chosen what you are going to do and how you plan to emerge as a result it's time to knuckle down, choose your line and hold that line.

This is where people will try to suggest things to you - and you must love them for their input but if it's not where you want to go you have to be strong and not get swayed.

People have their own takes on things - I had my wife's family (who are the most amazing supportive, caring and loving people by the way) suggest certain things and courses of action that I knew were coming from a place of love but it wasn't part of my plan.

And a situation like this gives you some good clarity and scope to be able to fend off what doesn't fit - and every time you do pass on something that isn't keeping with your vision for how things are going to be, you grow that little bit stronger.

It's like an affirmation on your intention each time you re-affirm your direction.

You see, the thing is, when you're a dude who loses his wife and you have kids everyone thinks you are a completely useless cretin and you are totally helpless.

This is both good and bad 

Good - because you get a better choice of different offers for help (we'll deal with that in the next post) 

Conversely, if it's a widow woman who’s lost her husband, she's expected to cope because she's a woman. 

Bad because it can get annoying when people keep telling you what you should do.

So now you know where you're going, simply lock in and hold your line.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 4 - KNOW that you can emerge better for the journey

I guess this is a simple one and it sounds a little too simple but it works like this...

You simply have to visualise a version of yourself who has become stronger for the experience that you have just been through.

And simply KNOW that it is possible. What has happened to you can't be changed but it does't have to change you for the worst - you can emerge stronger and more evolved for the journey through.

Look for inspiration in other people's stories - check out Abraham Lincoln, Roy Orbison and other famous people who went through some heavy stuff and came out the other end.

Because if you don't, if you just focus on the downside of what has happened to you it will eventually take you down and you will grow tense, bitter eyed and sour.

We have the choice no matter what happens to us to respond in our own way. 

So again, I'll tell you what I did so you can see the process

1. I visualised the type of single father I wanted to be

2. I created a vision of what I wanted to look like and who I wanted to become

3. The sorts of things people would say about me both to me and to others

4. The type of single father I would become

5  What I would chose to do in my spare time

6. What I would no longer tolerate in my life

7. Mistakes I would never make again

8. The type of business I wanted (one key for me was little or no east coast travel only local clients)

You literally get a chance to re-build your whole deal around your new circumstances.

Good luck with this - but make sure you do it, it's a really key step

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 3 - Gather information and look hard at your options

This is also a crucial step.

For me, after I had dealt with the reality of the situation (not dealt with the situation BTW I was a long way from that) but dealt with what was actually taking place. 

I had to look at the options...

"it's only after you have lost everything that you're free to do anything"

That's what I had going through my mind (I think I got that from the movie Fight Club)

So I looked hard at my options...

I will list them here so you can see my thought process and hopefully gain some insights into your situation...

I could take my wife's super pay out, pay off the remaining mortgage on our home, be totally debt free and live off single parent benefits whilst looking after the children on my own at home.

I could finish my own business and get a menial, brain numbing, part time J.O.B that doesn't matter - but have more time at home

I could simply alter my existing business (that I love BTW) and enlist the help of in-laws, nannies and child care professionals to assist me with the children.

I though HARD on all of this and ended up choosing option 3.  

Why? because the example I wanted to set for my children in my behaviour is that the events of your life shouldn't totally dictate how things turn out for you.

I also had to make a choice on where I was going to live - do I live close to my in laws in a town where the only people I know are my wife’s friends or do I move closer to my family and friends.

I chose to be where I wanted to be - again because I knew that's where I would be happiest and being happy is also a great behaviour to model to your children. Children will adopt way more of your behaviour than they will from your instruction.

And there are and were positives and negatives to both - and at the end of the day you go with what is right for you.

But looking hard at all your options is not only important, it's liberating because there is no ego anymore.  No one will judge you for making choices one way or the other when faced with a situation like this - so you also have freedom to choose.

[jcb-phoenix]

Step 2 - work out what's great about it

What the F$@K ? Your wife and mother of both your children just died and you're asking what's great about it?

What are you some kind of insensitive sicko?

What is wrong with you?

OK - this is a pivotal point in the process and it's the hardest step.

Why? because it's easy to think about what's down right rotten about your situation and in the absence of forcing yourself to shift focus (which is really the essence of what we are doing here) you will simply continue to focus on what is f$@ked about it.

I actually got this idea from Anthony Robbins (I didn't think it up and I would be surprised if he did either, but if he did, more power to him)

So in my situation, what was good about it??

Well, this is the hardest step for a reason and as you can imagine, I struggled with it but here's what I came up with...

I will get a bigger say and influence in shaping the way both of my children turn out (something that I wouldn't have had as much involvement in if My wife had stayed alive)

I would be the sole decision maker on everything that we now chose to do - I wouldn't have to factor in any outside opinions or influences - it was now totally up to me.

Because My wife passed away so quickly, My daughter didn't have to witness the slow physical and mental decline of her mother - something that for a 3.5 year old would have been super traumatic 

I now had two healthy happy children who were a beautiful tribute to the wonderful woman who was their mother.

I now had an opportunity to demonstrate to my children (because children are more influenced by the behaviour they see than by what you tell them to do) by example how to conduct yourself in one of life's toughest situations

I resolved that I would deal with what was happening powerfully and then do exactly what I am doing right now - share my insights and the steps I used to deal with one of life's shit storms so that others might benefit from my insights.

[jcb-phoenix]

"You have between 6 and 9 months to live" [Step 1 Ground Zero]

"You have between 6 and 9 months to live"

What's it like to hear that?

The grainy, light blue, insipid, pasty surroundings of the dated, public hospital consultation room. It was like a scene in a movie where after the bomb explodes, the camera instantly and violently zooms out.

Which is because it's like having an out of body experience. like a dream but in this case it's a really bad dream - a nightmare.

It was November 5th 2010 and My beautiful wife had just been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma and given 6 months 9 months tops to live. (she was gone in 9 weeks)

Oncology doctors give out life expectancies like normal doctors give out jelly beans. Too clinical, matter of a fact and uncaring but how's the job of delivering this type of news?

These were all the things going through my head.

This is like a nightmare and the nightmare continued day and night, every morning I woke up hoping that it was all a dream

but it wasn't.

So on at least one level, very soon after the initial shock I had to face the reality of the situation.

"You are going to have to look after these two kids (a 3 month old soon and a 3 1/2 year old daughter) on your own for the rest of theirs and your lives"

That was it

And somehow I knew that the more familiar and comfortable I got with that reality the better it was going to be for me.

as a human, psychologically we are made up of many parts that all co exist in our minds.

So while parts of me were running for cover and grieving, crying and wishing it would all go away…

There was a part of me that had begun the process of dealing with the path and the journey that lay ahead.

"You are going to have to look after these two kids (a 3 month old son and a 3 1/2year old daughter) on your own for the rest of theirs and your lives"

I knew the sooner I came to grips with this fact the better.

[jcb-phoenix]

The 15 Steps to Dealing with Life's Perfect Storms

Ok so here's the list of the stuff I had to deal with over a 14 week period.

Intense huh? and I want to make one thing clear.  This isn't a poor me thing,

I just want to make sure I establish myself here as someone you should listen to about this stuff because if it was me I would want to know that the person who is giving me advice is the real deal.

Ok cool, got that out of the way.

What Happened...

Wife diagnosed with Cancer

Wife pass away 

Left to look after two children (han solo)

Put structure in place to look after children

Move house

Move office

30K in funeral expenses (that I didn't have)

Legal action with former business partner

Business partnership dissolution involving 

two corporate entities 

New business launch and start up

and all happen within a 14 week period

Business Bounce Back

And after trading under my own banner for 4 weeks I had the biggest month in 12 months with half the clients and with 25% more profit (fast forward another 12 months and I ended up 30% up on my numbers for the previous 12 months.

I'm not sure about you but I reckon that qualifies me to talk on how to get through tough times ;-)

But as you can imagine, it's not just about getting your business back on track it's about dealing with the emotions that come with the death of someone close to you.

It's about getting your life back

How We Deal With It

So here is the How We Deal with it bit in summary... 

I'll be expanding on in the coming weeks...

15 Key Steps for Weathering one of Life's Perfect Storms

1. Deal with the reality of what's happening

2. Work out what's great about it

3. Gather information and look hard at your options

4. KNOW that you can emerge better for the journey

5. Lock in to a course of action and hold your line

6. Seek help from people

7. Say yes to all offers for help

8. Simplify your life

9. Assume an identity avatar 

10. Assume a situation metaphor

11. Look for the humour in what's happening

12. Know that we are never sent a challenge we can't deal with 

13. Reassess what's important to you

14. Look after yourself and seek regular solitude in the activities you love

15. Trust your gut

So there it is...

As I said I will expand on each one as we go and give examples of each step along the way

And in the meantime...a quote from whom I can't remember right now but it wasn't me

If you're going through Hell...keep going !!