This is gonna be a long post...
I have no one to talk to, so I decided to write it here or it will kill me somehow. I got engaged with my bf (we were waiting for the right moment to tell everyone) and now I don’t know what happened, we fought and I think we broke up.
I know everything happens for a reason, and having a long distance relationship wasn’t helping. He’s still studying, I have a nice job, so you must know who was the one travelling, giving money and stuff. I always cared about him continuing studying his career, since he has wasted years and years in a life he no longer has, and this is why I never complained. Last week we went on vacation and we had a wonderful time, but I felt something was different.
The thing here is that he always repeated how much he loved me, how special I was, how he felt safe and loved with me, but suddenly I had too many questions: was he capable of cheating like everyone else did to me? Was he sincere every time he told me ‘I love you’? Did he really believe in a future with me, even knowing how difficult and emotional I can be? A little voice inside my head answered ‘no’ everytime.
I have been having problems with my family and I still can’t move and rent my own place because of those problems, and he knows -- so why is he suddenly acting like he doesn’t care? Why is he suddenly tired of everything when I have been trying so much to keep my problems away from him? He never talks to me about anything and that hurts because now it seems like I’m the bad guy because I’m not sensible enough when he has problems. And how am I supposed to know?
I know, I know. This seems like a normal couple fighting for nothing, but the things he told me, the way I found out he still talks with his past formal couple (the one he introduced with his mom and the reason I haven’t met her yet), the hurt feelings, the questions, everything makes this much more complicated.
I love him, I truly do, and I can see my life with him as my partner in life. But I can’t stand anyone insulting me or treating me like I was some kind of bother for reasons I don’t know.
I turned off my phone and closed Facebook even though I know he won’t text me. I am tempted to check whatsapp or call him, but I must be strong. I’m not being proud, I’m just being as nice with myself as I can. I must think what’s best for me even if it hurts like hell. My only friend is out of town doing some research and she will be back till tuesday, and I guess by that time I will have everything figured out. I feel alone. I feel empty. And I feel those insane desires of hurting myself I haven’t had in almost 10 years.
I don’t care if no one reads this, just by writing I feel a bit better. But, to be honest, I’m not sure for how long I will be able to keep the need to do something is not good for me. I’ll try to be stronger than now.
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