Not everyone would have the same reasons to change their daily habits - and definitely quitting alcohol isn’t for everyone - but for me it has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life.
Before touring around the world with Savages after the release of our first album 'Silence Yourself', drinking alcohol had never been a conscious problem in my life. In fact, to this day I can say I have never really been addicted to anything. I know I'm pretty lucky this way. People really struggle with addiction to a level I will never be able to experience. But I know dugs just ain't for me, and I've known that since I was a teenager. My body was never strong enough to take it, and my mind was never really attracted to it genuinely - which I tend to view as a blessing, as I know I will never have to deal with the desperate sensations of emptiness due to the lack of it.
This said, touring got me into drinking everyday. That's something I hadn't planned and it was a daily habit that drove me into a bad place which I didn’t notice at first.
At the time, I wasn’t able to go on stage without alcohol. It started with me drinking only a shot or two of vodka before walking on. Then I’d set myself rules like ‘drink only an hour before the show’. Then ‘ok two hours before the show but never after the show’. Then I started drinking full glasses of vodka and cranberry juice onstage whenever I was feeling thirsty. Later I switched to red Martini. I’d drink almost a bottle every show. That’s when I got ill and lost my voice.
I remember the last time I drunk alcohol. It was at the British Film Institute (BFI) in London more than two years ago. Savages were curating an evening around the legendary Australian guitarist Rowland S. Howard, screening the documentary about his life. This was quite a coincidence now I'm thinking about it. The documentary relates the story of Rowland's musical genius and struggle with drugs until he sadly died much too early (liver cancer in 2009) after he just finished recording his masterpiece 'Pop Crimes' with Mick Harvey, JP Shilo and my friend Jonnine Standish from the Australian band HTRK.
My mental and physical health was very weak at that point, due to the intensity of touring and my bad habit with alcohol. I was ill and my voice started breaking, sounding more and more like a broken kettle. I drunk red wine all that evening and went home quite early around midnight. I remember cursing everyone and everything on the ride home, and waking up with a terrible hangover and nausea. Andy, my tour manager at the time, showed up at 9am at my house to take me to the next show. I was still in bed, unable to move, unable to imagine myself physically doing it again, getting in the van and playing another show…
That’s when you desperately need someone who knows you very well. Luckily I had someone like that.
Johnny Hostile sat on the side of our bed. I looked at him and started to cry. I was feeling so miserable and helpless. My heart felt empty and my emotions numb. I wanted to go on tour and play the shows, but I just didn’t have the strength anymore, and I felt I was letting everybody down. I was ashamed of the state I was finding myself in at that moment - and letting anyone witness it was humiliating. He took my hand and said: “you’re gonna get ready, slowly, have a shower, eat something, Andy is going to wait for you. But as soon as you step out that door, you won’t drink another drop of alcohol". At that time, I had known Johnny as my partner for 9 years, and known him sober for 6, so this was coming from someone who was aware of what he was talking about.
Everyone can stop alcohol for various reasons, beyond the real damage done to your body and your mind, there's a real stupidity surrounding alcohol consumption in certain cultures when you think about it. From numbing your access to first hand experience, to excusing idiotic acts (including encouraging the mass to mediocre sexual intercourse!), alcohol is too often used to excuse a lot of crap happening in the world. We drink because we want to forget, make space in our heads so we can chase away the annoying thoughts. For people who are constantly thinking about how to change the world and find ways to make things better, drinking alcohol quickly start not making much sense at all...
At that point I knew I couldn’t physically finish the tour if I didn’t change something. Johnny is a person who I'd always known for suggesting good solutions for me to be happier my life. I trusted him. His words were the only light of hope at that moment, so I took it.
I haven’t drunk since then, but most importantly I haven’t felt the desire to drink at all - and it’s been more than two years. That day I realised that drinking was not only putting my health in danger but it was putting my work in danger too, and that was the most important signal to me. Not being able to play a show is the worse thing that can happen when you’ve build all your life around music to achieve what you want to achieve.
I guess it's called a survival instinct, and mine was pretty strong when it came down to music.
Few months after that, Savages embarked into another three months of touring during which I was completely sober. Australia, Europe, South America… Never did I enjoy the life on the road so much. I wasn’t tired, my voice was at its best, my spirit was high. Surprisingly, I would go out a lot more after the shows, partying until 5am, waking up feeling tired but fine, no hangovers!
Quitting alcohol has really been amazing for me. I would recommend it to anyone who feels trapped and needs a change - or anyone who (like me) has a weak resistance to drugs in general. Alcohol can be fun and I would never judge someone who wants to drink. But as much as it numbed my pain, alcohol also numbed my happiness. I feel so much freer now I know it’s only music that makes me loose myself onstage. Nothing and no one but myself is making me connect with the people in the room. I’m doing that! Me, the people and the music. Nothing more. I think there’s definitely some magic in that.