Peanut Butter & Jelly

[jellycoworeo]

hello it's 2023

i can't believe how much influence you have on me -- still. it's been years.

i think i'll get married soon, actually im hoping to get married soon hahah

no actually im kinda scared, there are so many what ifs... i kind of realised, i fall in love too easily...and once it happens, i just expect too much. But i just want it to be right, you know? not perfect. just right.

Last year, I wished for happiness. Everyday, from the moment I wake up I just wished and prayed to be happy.

I was so stuck in that thought, desperate for happiness that I didn't realise I was the one making myself unhappy (: kinda sucked.

fast forward. remember when i told you i want to live in a nother country and explore, im actually doing it now!! im kinda proud of myself yknow

ok anyw

i think im starting to fall in love again...but this time im careful & more knowledgeable! i hope.. lets see

[jellycoworeo]

[jellycoworeo]

[jellycoworeo]

december 20, 2021 10:30pm

it was at this date and time did i start to really understand what love is

or how to know who your greatest partner in life is going to be

i was watching don jon with yuki and it was a nice movie bc it was kind of an eye opener

1 rotten as how jon’s life is, he’s also just a normal person. Thats just how he knows the world. Thats just what he grew up with. Like how scarlet views the world romantically and well very basic.

2 the greatest love isnt the perfect match or isnt going to be the person you’re attracted to. Its not going to be with your ideal girl. no matter how much you love each other, if you dont understand one another, if you cant be completely whole and honest and vulnerable to the other person, then its not going to be a the ‘nearly perfect, happy relationship’. And that’s just one part. The other part is that the other person should feel completely the same. So no love and relationship and life long happiness isn’t just the attraction, nor is it just the feeling. It takes courage and feeling of comfort for you to be completely honest, without the feeling of forcing yourself, something natural. And it takes someone who can understand you, even without words. Just honest, no pressure, no expectations. Just being completely whole. Being lose. And vise versa.

Just some cool thoughts from a movie that was 70% porn….

[jellycoworeo]

I can’t believe I’m still dreaming about you. I am doing okay, sometimes. Well, getting by, like everyone else. I just hope you are too. I wish we can close this, I don’t know, distance and misunderstanding already

[jellycoworeo]

[jellycoworeo]

June 7. Today I decided I’m going back home

[jellycoworeo]

I’m getting better

Trying to get by one day at a time

I still think about you sometimes

I wish you‘re still my friend

[jellycoworeo]

recently i have to keep reminding myself that things will go back to normal (whatever that is)

everyday i would tell myself “it will all be okay” because no one else would

happiness will come soon, i would say

maybe when i least expect it

but i don’t think it will happen anytime soon

i’m trying not to think about how long i’ve been feeling this way because it scares me

because what if this is what is /normal/

what if this is what im going to feel like for the rest of my life

i really just want to feel less

im not even asking for happiness because im starting believe that it doesn’t exist

i just want to be less depressed

less lonely

[jellycoworeo]

I feel really really really lonely

[jellycoworeo]

[jellycoworeo]

December 2020 favorites

1 sweet potato (smokey & toasty but soft and buttery on the inside)

2 oatmeal + apple + cinnamon

3 yogurt, berries and granola

4 the color lilac and orange

5 sunshine

6 creamy cuppa coffee

7 really hot food(s)

8 rap music

[jellycoworeo]

Last day

I’m leaving tomorrow and honestly, I don’t feel anything. 

Maybe because I’ve been preparing myself for this day since last February. 

But so much has happened over the last two months and it’s crazy. I wish I could tell somebody..

Hmm 

I feel quite different -- good different :) 

I feel braver now. 

I said this because 

1 I finally decided to let go.. of a lot of things: attachments, my old life -- my things, our house and memories. I think that I have also moved on (quite fast, actually)

2 Recently, my decisions are based on my own feeling and intuition. I’m not letting anyone’s opinion or feeling influence me anymore. You could call this selfish but if that’s what it takes for me to be truly free and happy, then I will take it. 

3 I am excited really excited, and I’m not just saying this, to meet new people, live in a different country and explore the world. I feel like I am at this point of finally living my dreams.

(just a sec will continue writing I gotta pack the stuff I have left)

[jellycoworeo]

september 

i dreamt of you

i woke up laughing

funny you still know how to make me laugh

[jellycoworeo]

I haven't written anything for a while here because I started to pick up the habit of writing on my journal again.

I still kind of miss writing digitally though. It's nice here because it's easy. I could just open the app and start typing.

I'm still thinking about whether or not I should start transitioning into a digital journal but there's something about writing on pen and paper.

Well if I want to be practical (and sustainable) i should probably do that right

Maybe i'll also have more things to write if I can do it as easily as typing. Sometimes my thoughts get lost when I'm writing on paper.

I don't know I've been thinking about it for quite a while now.

I've loved collecting notebooks ever since I was a young. It's one of the few habits I still have until now.

Hmmmmmm.

[jellycoworeo]

I am again starting to fall in love with the idea of being on my own and travelling again.

It's sad that I'm leaving home, the place where I grew up, my friends and the person I love.

But I'm also excited to start doing what I love and doing something for my self

For my dreams

And even if I'm just an inch closer to it, I am very very happy.

My heart is full and I am ultimately grateful

[jellycoworeo]

Watched the movie Burnt today. It's now listed on my favorite movies list.

hmm..

I kind of want study at a Culinary School in France

And open my own or invest in a small restaurant or bakery in the future

☺️🥖