Disclaimer: Ok, first time ko lang magblog kaya pasensya na kung mali-mali grammar or whatever. Kailangan ko lang talaga mag-catharsis. Hahaha! Okay. Also, I am not forcing anyone to read this. As I said, I just need to express my feelings. Here goes nothing.SCARS
People may know me as a person who tends to be optimistic all the time. Some might even say that I'm just like a happy-go-lucky person who somehow sees everything in life nothing more than a game. Well, it may be true that I find life fun and I approach it in a different way, but that doesn't mean that I always feel happy. I may appear like a stone that shows only pure optimism outside, but inside me, that's a totally different story.
Lately, a lot of stuff has been bothering me. I always seem stressed even if sometimes, there's nothing really to be stressed about. Given that, I already felt tense and yet, I still somehow manage to smile and be optimistic when I interact with others. No one really saw what I really felt since I keep it hidden inside me. Maybe it's wrong for me to do so, but I guess that it's my nature. Anyway, for a couple of days, my life seemed to be on the right track, until something happened.
To make the story short, I lost my key, used a bolt cutter to break my lock and around the third subject, while I came from Filipino class, someone placed my key on my table. Of course, I got frustrated and somehow went ballistic. However, people rarely took me seriously since I always look like I'm making a joke. That's why they just laugh at my dilemma and in turn, I get even more frustrated. Well, I'm aware of my fault that I rarely act serious in class, but then again, it's my nature. Sometimes, I also would want that respect as a person. People tend to treat me nothing than a mere child because of my shortcomings and somehow I also get frustrated at that. Sure, I can take a joke or two, but doesn't anyone know when he or she gets overboard? Losing the key may seem shallow to others, but for me, it served as an eye-opener.
I always reach out my hand for those who need my help, but do they reach out there hand for me? When was the last time that someone out there, my friend, really took me seriously? Sometimes, no, most of the time, people take advantage of me just because I always agree to what they ask of me. Clearly, I am wrong because of the fact that I follow what others "ask" me to do for them. Still, I am not totally accountable for it, just like I learned in CLE class. Others also affect me through what they're asking me to do for them or whatever they may ask. Bit by bit, I'm trying to learn to fight this stereotype towards me. I am not James "Always Agrees To What You Ask" Pe Lim. I make my own choices, I just need to learn how to fight for it.
This is only some of the pain I feel inside and somehow, I can't just express them all in one sitting. I sense that there will be more times like these that I just can't help and burst out my anxieties and all that here. Definitely, this will be a very dark moment in my life.
~¤~
DREAMS
I'll make this short. A man can dream right? A lot of people say that man can reach out and make his dream a complete reality. But what happens in the end? He wakes up and everything is gone. He realizes that it was just a dream because nothing has changed. He still has the same pair of shoes, pair of glasses, and basically, he still lives out the same life he has. Nothing changes, well, maybe he may grow a little bit taller or his hair got longer, but not counting those kinds of changes, everything is still the same.
Why bother trying to capture a dream that only a few could do? Why must you push yourself beyond your limits even if you couldn't capture your dream? Doesn't it seem unfair that even if you give it everything you have, you still seem not capable of getting that thing you aspire for? Maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't have tried at all.
~Fin
