I’ve realised that I have yet to write you back. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t really sure how to phrase any of the things I’ve felt on the matter…or why. Not that time has really changed that how I thought it would. Nothing gets more clear, only more foggy. Let me start things off by saying that If I felt that you had been ruining my life, I wouldn’t have spent my time with you. I spent my whole life wasting time in a basement, surrounded by people that made me miserable. I don’t put myself into those situations willingly. You’d have a hard time ruining me given that I’m already ruined. My dad made it his goal to ruin me and it’s something he succeeded at. I’m not a good person. I’m aware of this. I’m numb to this honestly. You’d have to be a miracle worker to ruin me anymore than I already am. Not to dwell on that though, I’ve missed you as well, obviously. We had a lot of good times together, I absolutely will not deny that. I didn’t ask you out because, I’m not sure if you’ve taken notice or not, but I’m really not the relationship guy. I’ve dated one person in the past and it was painful. I’ve never really had anyone since him show interest in me before you came around. I don’t know how to be in a proper relationship, and I guess I didn’t realise it was entirely on my shoulders to be the one to ask and solidify that- given that you also never asked me out or asked to make things official. I assumed that you were also content in what we were doing. Poor communication on both our ends I suppose. Maybe we have different definitions on what hooked up means- Sky and I kissed but we haven’t had sex. I don’t know if that’s something you really care to know but I figured it should be said so that the air is entirely cleared. We’re also not dating, to my knowledge. I’m going to be honest, I’m a little confused on why you care if I want you or not- last I knew you had Kai. He followed you around the apple orchard like a puppy. He seemed to really care about you. I don’t want any unresolved feelings that I may or may not have to get between that. You deserve genuine happiness. I understand being in a terrible place, I’m usually in one myself.
Your dad needs to be put down. I don’t know why you don’t have a restraining order on that lunatic Jenevieve. That man is insane. I would have came, if you’d reached out to me. I wouldn’t want you going through that alone. It hurt when I heard that you weren’t doing well, but I feel like it’s not my place to be there for you anymore- like I’m doing more harm than good by being there. Maybe that’s not true, but that’s how I feel. I don’t think Kai’s a bad guy. He seems good for you. It definitely does seem like you’re dating. Like I said in previous, he followed you around that entire event like a puppy, he cares a lot for you- there’s no way that he hates you Jenevieve. I can’t think of many people who do. You’re a good presence.
I honestly, have been stuck on this paragraph the most. I don’t know how to process this. You shouldn’t love me Jenevieve. I don’t know why you would. It is hard for me to wrap my head around. I wish there was more I could say. I’m honestly just still stuck for words. I’m not good at… feelings. My heart is heavy though.
- Axel Allexander Allen III
Yeah, the wait did suck, but I am sorry I dropped this bomb on you, brought a cloud over your head. But going on, I know this now, I figured out not too long ago. As I said, I was having a lot of issues and it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I don’t think you have ruined Axel. Sometimes we are just placed in these situations, these terrible situations and it's to make us stronger, the obstacle, the thing to overcome in the end is what shapes us. At least that’s how I like to think of it now. It’s gods test, to see if we are truly strong. I see you as strong, not ruined. And likewise, on the difficulty dating. You know of my one ex.... and I’ve felt the same way, nothing felt like something until I met you. Something about you, when we first met intrigued me. There you were at your pottery wheel asking if I missed you and I stood against the wall, asking if I knew you. Then it developed, you texted me drunk and pulled me into your bed all nice and close and I just felt safe. But I also agree, we suck at communicating. I should have specified more, I thought I did sort of at that lake bash when I said I didn’t want you with other people, though I do suck at dropping hints. But I was content, I loved it. Every second with you, but I let my insecurities control me. Though I am much healthier now. Kinda. Heart still sucks. Bu with Sky, yeah, I meant like kissing, he told me you guys shared a few of those during our time together. I’m not sure why he would tell me that though, especially after things ended between you and me, again, really sorry about that. I guess I figured you were together especially with him telling me that, you guys always being together, then you and him in the fire, and after the fire. Also, I let that eat me up for a bit of time. I hate to say that I am relieved you aren’t together or had sex. I mean, if that was what you wanted to do, I’d support you fully, but I’m relieved. I was serious when I said Kai is just a friend. He does follow me around like a puppy though, but it’s because he cared for me... It’s more like my unresolved feelings are in the way. Part of me can’t even fathom a relationship with him, because all I think about is you. It would be unfair to him to lead him on, which is why I told him I can’t be anything more than friends with him, just before writing the first letter. I don’t want to be with him though, so your unresolved feelings have no issue in that situation. Besides, he fucked my sister, it would just be weird.
As for my father, since I turned 18 I’ve been trying. (Happy late birthday by the way) I’m working up a case against him but it’s long and exhausting, especially doing it alone. He is just so good at hiding what he does. I’ve removed both my parents from all proxy forms and everything. They will both rot in jail when I’m done with them. I should have reached out, but I didn’t want to dump my problems on you. But it wouldn’t have been harmful, but if it’s not your place anymore, I understand that being there for me is a full job and a half and I wouldn’t want to put that burden on anyone, not even you. But Kai, also again, not dating. Very very very far from dating. We sorted things out-ish. Back when I wrote the first letter, I kinda snapped and yelled at him and it was messy, but what is my life isn’t messy.
That’s okay. It took me a while to admit it, again sorry for the bomb dropped in your lap. I just couldn’t go on without saying it. You don’t realize, there are so many lovable things about you. Your cute bedhead in the morning, your little smirk. The way you are so protective over the people you care about. There is so much more Axel.
PS. sorry for this spew of words, it’s late. I stared at this envelope for a while scared to open it.