I don't know where else to go.
I don’t know who to talk to and maybe I should talk to someone, but if I said all the things that are going through my head, I would get hospitalized again….but maybe that’s something I need….I don’t know. I just need to get all my feelings and frustrations and thoughts out somehow or I’m going to explode.
Let me back up a couple months….
This past June 4th (which was a friday), I had a seizure, fell on landed on my shoulder. I went to the ER and they said everything was fine, so I went home, fine. The next morning I get a phone call from the ER saying I needed to come back in right away because my shoulder was dislocated and needed to be relocated. I was back on Monday after my shoulder dislocated when I rolled over in bed, so back to the ER. Tuesday, it just slipped out, so back to the ER. By this time, my orthopedic surgeon was aware of the situation and was concerned, so he cut through red tape and scheduled an MRI for the next morning and an appointment right after. I was in surgery the next day, less than a week after my initial dislocation. Tore my labral in two places and my capsule joint needed to be tightened. First week of recovery was fine, I was in pain, but I was a week post op. HOW EVER. When I was finally able to shower, my shoulder felt like it was slipping out of socket. Let my surgeon know and he added two more weeks in the sling to see if everything would tighten up. Well one of my anchors failed which compromised my surgery. I was referred to a surgeon who specialized in the surgery that I needed, GREAT! that was early July. It is now September 1st and I am still in a sling with no idea when I will be getting this surgery done. I have no light at the end of my tunnel anymore.
Before I had my initial surgery for my shoulder, I had been filling out applications and going to doctors to apply for a service dog. After 6 months, I was finally accepted into the program, but it requires a $500.00 commitment fee, something I can’t afford since we are living off just my husbands income. So there is a huge let down for me. Something I desperately need to mitigate tasks throughout my day to day life, I won’t be able to get. All that work for nothing.
My doctors and immediate family agree that my seizures, which are PTSD related, are anxiety and stress related, so holding down a job is almost impossible now. So I can’t contribute to my family.
If I can’t contribute to my family, my life is never going to go anywhere. We can barely afford what we have now. My husband and I live in a small 2 bedroom apartment, have 1 car that is a POS. My dream of living in a house, I will never achieve that dream. My dream of being a mother, I will never achieve that dream.
I am beyond depressed. My life doesn’t feel like it is ever going to go anywhere. I’m not going to leave this shitty apartment, I’m not going to have the child I so desperately want, I’m not going to be able to contribute to my family if I can’t hold down a job without having seizures.
God has turned his back on me. He has burdened me with a body that keeps me from doing anything I want to. He has thrown so much shit on my shoulders just to see how far I can be pushed before I hit my limit. Well…I’ve hit my limit like an 18 wheeler hits a 20ft thick concrete barrier going 65mph. I have completely lost my faith.
I don’t see a purpose for my life anymore. I don’t see a reason to keep burdening my family with hospital bills, doctors bills, constant paperwork, going out of their way to get me to doctors appointments, wasting time on doctors that can’t or won’t help, worrying about whether or not I’m going to hurt myself or overdose on my medications while I’m home alone 90% of the time because all my husband does is work so we can get through another month with a roof over our heads.
I have no ambition, will or strength to keep going. I feel like I’m a constant disappointment, a constant burden, a constant worry. I’m always in a state of severe depression and anxiety and if I didn’t take nyquil in the morning to make me sleep all day, I would probably be overdosing or cutting. Anything to quiet the mental pain I’m in for maybe even a second. I want out. I’m done.
I know what I’m going to hear. “But you have so much to live for” “your family and husband love you so much” “What would they do without you?”
I don’t have anything to live for. No child to take care of. My husband would find someone that he could actually have a family with, someone that could help with bills. My parents would be ok, they have two other daughters that are picture of health and perfection. They would all keep going with their lives, that’s what they would do without me.
pixelskylines
gummygunk
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
stormborns
