New Year Lost

chasing Hope because choosing Hope is much more difficult.

[jenjg82]

I feel like I've abandoned my posts. I haven't, I promise. I just took a break. A long one.

Good news is Tessa is here! After a long pregnancy filled with fear and hope and tons of appointments and tests, she was born at 37 weeks via cesarean on November 20th. She weighed a tiny 4 pounds - my little bird. We weathered a one week NICU stay and then she came home. All is well, mostly. She is growing and is now 6 pounds at 5 weeks old. I'm sure she will always be on the smaller size but I'll be content as long as she's meeting all her milestones on time.

Bad news is it is that time of year. Christmas was hard. I was somewhat weepy. Aubree should be here with us; she should be 6 months old. I know that without the loss of Aubree, Tessa wouldn't be here. I know that I am grateful for the little girl I'm watching sleep in her swing as I type this. Tessa is truly a blessing and my precious rainbow. But all that joy doesn't negate the sorrow. I've posted before about how both exist simultaneously.

In less than a week it will be the one year anniversary of losing Aubree. This coming Friday, January 2nd, will mark a full rotation around the sun for me and the saddest day of my life. It's hard. So hard. Even as I snuggle this tiny sister in my arms, my amazing miracle, I am full and empty at the same time.

[jenjg82]

Wow. It's been a while. I'm 28 weeks and counting! Since finding out that Tessa is perfectly normal, even if small, things have been going well. We've had several growth scans in which she has gone from 6% to 12% and then 16%. I'm very happy with the upward trend. I'm now being seen twice weekly for NST and biophysicals as a precaution, but so far so good. The goal is definitely at least 36 weeks and that is looking more and more doable! Crazy to think in as little as 8 weeks I could be meeting my little one! My personal goal would be 38 weeks and have Tessa be at least 5 pounds. However, as long as she is 4 pounds 8 ounces I'll be thrilled! My guess is she is about 2 pounds right now. Both my OB and MFM Specialist agreed that bed rest is the best choice right now to maximize her growth so I've been home for about two weeks now. A little boring and a little stressful financially but everything should work out. Next growth scan is this coming Friday. I'd be thrilled if she jumped up to 21%. Thinking positive thoughts!

[jenjg82]

[jenjg82]

[jenjg82]

We made a bargain. Neither my husband nor I are religious, but none-the-less we have been on our knees PRAYING that we would receive good news.

See, I went for my appointment last Thursday and all the ultrasound measurements confirmed she is behind by two weeks. We attempted an amniocentesis, but her little face was in the way. They took four vials of my blood to test for different issues and the next day I braved another attempt at the amniocentesis which was successful. All weekend long I cried and researched Dr. Google until I was emotionally drained.

Today is Monday and I got a phone call. With trepidation, I answered. GOOD NEWS! My sweet Tessa Wren DOES NOT HAVE DOWN SYNDROME, nor does she have Edward's Syndrome (T18) or Patau's Syndrome (T13). THANK GOD! We are still waiting on the full results which will take another 10-14 days but THERE IS IMMENSE HOPE! The amniocentesis will also tell us if she somehow contracted Toxoplasmosis (which is a death sentence), but I am not as worried as I was. I was most afraid of the previously mentioned "Big Three" so I am feeling much calmer now that those results have come back as negative.

We aren't out of the woods yet, but I can see light through the trees. Up until now it was pitch black. If we can further rule out chromosomal defects and infections then we can focus on placental issues - which unfortunately only have the solution of Tessa being born. I believe the game plan will be to monitor her closely and keep her cooking for as long as possible. If she begins to show lack of growth or stops growing completely she will need to be born. I pray she is far enough along and has gained enough weight to have the shortest, healthiest, NICU stay possible. Baby steps.

So back to this bargain. I had to deliver the good news to my husband over the phone as he is on a business trip. I could hear the relief and joy in his voice. I said to him, "looks like we are going to church!" and before he could answer I told him we could try a Universalism Unitarian Church and see how we liked it. I've always thought that would be a good place to start. I also told him that if he didn't want to go, Gwen and I would be going. "I'll go with you," was his reply. My heart is full.

[jenjg82]

[jenjg82]

My appointment with the MFM specialist is in a little over 24 hours. I'm ready. I need answers and I need a game plan. I have such mixed emotions. Half the time I feel like it's the end and the other half I feel like there's still Hope. Another limbo. She's still with me. I feel her move like crazy at night. I'm not sleeping well so I've discovered her active times. I love feeling her move and it gives me such Hope, but at the same time it makes me sad to think it could all be over soon. I love this little girl. Please make it.

[jenjg82]

I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am so disappointed. I am so crushed. I want to yell, and scream, and shout. I want to cry. Endlessly.

I can't believe this could be happening again. I had my anatomy scan on Wednesday. It went very well up until the end when she told me it looked like my baby was measuring two weeks small. My OB was concerned. He explained that my original due date should be accurate as, up until now, I have been measuring consistently. He mentioned something about symmetrical growth restriction. He said it could be nothing, but the look on his face told me otherwise.

I now have to see a specialist for another ultrasound and most likely I will choose to have an amniocentesis. I am scared. I feel like I have already given up on my baby. I know that is silly. I know I shouldn't worry until I have a solid diagnosis, but I can't help how I feel. I feel helpless. My feelings make me also feel guilty. I am Tessa's Mom. I am supposed to be her greatest supporter and here I am already feeling as though I have lost her.

For now, she is with me. I don't know for how long. I won't know until we have some answers.

It's going to be a long couple of weeks.

I am miserable. Miserable and so, so very sad.

[jenjg82]

It's funny how some days I have a World of confidence and other days I am trembling with fear. The harsh reality of being pregnant after a loss. Today, unfortunately, is one of those days where I think the worst. 

This Wednesday I'll have my big anatomy scan. I can't help but fear that my sweet, little Tessa has something wrong with her. I am not as hopeful as I could or should be. I have been super emotional lately (thank you pregnancy hormones) and I just can't shake this feeling of dread.

Please let Wednesday come and go quickly with great news. I'm hoping that once the scan is over, I'll be able to feel more confident in this pregnancy.

[bernadettelogue]

[jenjg82]

So far so good. 18 weeks and counting. My last appointment was on Tuesday and even though it was a quick one, all seemed to be going well. I'm already anxious about the next one; which isn't until a week after I hit the halfway point. It will feel really good to surpass 20 weeks. The next appointment will be a doozie. The dreaded anatomy scan. I pray that everything is formed properly and where it should be. Please let Tessa be healthy! In other news, I want to celebrate Christmas in July! That's a thing, right??? Maybe that will help it feel like it's almost December? Ha! At first I was a little bummed about having a baby so close to Christmas, but really I already have a Thanksgiving baby, so what is the difference of a week or two? Tessa will be born in early December so she will have at least a few weeks between birthday and Christmas.

[jenjg82]

My 16 week appointment went really well. I am so relieved. I never made it to my 16 week appointment with Bree. That same day, in the wee hours of the morning, I was in the ER losing her. This little one seemed to be doing great with a strong heartbeat of 165. It is soooo beautiful to hear that sound of galloping horses. Love it.

BIG NEWS! We confirmed the gender at our 16 week appointment and... IT'S ANOTHER GIRL. I am speechless. Funny thing is, with my first two, I was convinced they were boys. For this one, I had a Mommy hunch that it was a girl from the get-go. I can't believe I am the Mom to three beautiful girls. I am beyond blessed! One on Earth, One in Heaven, and One-to-be. So damn lucky. Our newest little love already has a chosen name too! Tessa Wren. My little bird.

I have been so guarded around my oldest lately. She has seen the baby's room and she has seen a few things here and there that have been purchased. She has asked if they were for Aubree and I have to gently remind her that they are for Tessa. I live in the shadow of fear. This little one MUST make it. I worry that my sweet first born will be so confused and feel betrayed if we have to tell her that another little sister is in Heaven. Oh please, oh please, can it be December already? Can I please have my healthy, precious, littlest gem in my arms safe and sound?

Crying, fussing, cooing, I am looking forward to it all! Most of all I am looking forward to the big grin on my eldest's face when I introduce her to her littlest sister. She LOVES babies. She is completely fascinated by them and will run up to them in stores. It is the sweetest thing. She has a heart of gold and will tell me things like "babies are fragile", and "you have to be gentle with babies". She will make the BEST Big Sister in the whole wide world.

[jenjg82]

Two more sleeps. I don't know why but I have been so anxious for my next appointment. It can't come soon enough. I've been being seen every two weeks and this time I have had to wait three weeks because my OB was out of town. Maybe it's just the extra week that has made my anxiety sky rocket through the roof.

[jenjg82]

The excitement. It's building. Each day I am still pregnant with this little one is a day closer to meeting my sweet Rainbow. I'm feeling more and more confident, and there are even days I catch myself grinning ear to ear and thinking: Could this be it? Could I really be bringing home my Rainbow this December? BEST. CHRISTMAS. PRESENT. EVER.

I'm a little over 14 weeks. Slow and steady. Confession: I bought a doppler. It has brought me more peace than anxiety. Yes, there are times it takes a while to find the heartbeat, but I take a deep breath and try again. After having a missed miscarriage where I carried around my sweet, sleeping Bree for almost four weeks before realizing she had passed, the peace of mind from "checking in" with this new little one is priceless.

Next week is a BIG week. First, it's the time I physically miscarried Bree; if I can make it past 16 weeks I will feel so much relief! Second, I get to find out my Rainbow's gender!!!! I have another "small" confession: We went for an elective gender u/s this past Father's Day weekend. I wasn't holding out much hope at 14 weeks, BUT the tech gave us her best guess and with 90% certainty told us what we are having. However, as I am having an u/s next Wednesday anyway, we are waiting to confirm gender before announcing!

Everyday is a challenge... emotionally, physically... but I can honestly say that HOPE is winning out and I am blessed beyond words!

[jenjg82]

Meh. Today is a day of being down in the dumps. I believe I can add depression to the fear felt during pregnancy after loss.

I think back on memories from last year. Memories made during those few precious months I was pregnant with Bree and I am saddened. Those beautiful family memories feel tarnished. We took our first daughter to Disney World just before her third birthday. I literally had just found out two weeks earlier that I was pregnant. We joked that it was a good thing the vacation had already been paid in full or we would've cancelled. I can't bring myself to even start a memory book because every time I see a picture of myself from the trip I remember I was pregnant - Bree was still with me; just a small ball of cells rapidly dividing.

Fast forward to the present. I should be happy. My Rainbow is on the way, and while I am praying for a happy ending, I am still mourning the loss of my Angel Baby. Father's Day is this weekend. My old due date with Bree. My beautiful little Gemini. Oh how I wish I could be selfish and have her here AND still have this new little one growing inside of me. I could never sacrifice one of my children for another, but Bree paved the way for this new little one. A parting gift. Pregnancy After Loss is filled with such sweet sorrow.

[jenjg82]

Pregnancy after loss is such a strange road to travel. It is one that is familiar in sight and sound, but the feel of it beneath your feet is very different. This road is rocky and bumpy and full of potholes just waiting for you to fall into.

You know the drill - eat right, vitamins, lots of water, rest, and patience; hurry up and wait. What you don’t know, but quickly learn, is that you are always just one step ahead of Fear. Sometimes you stumble and Fear reaches out to grab your hand, but you recover and leap ahead. You hold your breath before every ultrasound, and then let it out when you see the familiar flicker of a heartbeat. Time and time again. You use words like "If" not "When". You second guess every.little.thing. 

The weather is sometimes pleasant on this journey, but most often the sky is cloudy with a chance of rain. To those of you walking this long road with me I offer you companionship. You are not alone. We have weathered the storm and our Rainbow is just over the horizon. Baby steps will get us there.

[jenjg82]

Breathe. Just breathe. Someone once told me I'd be ready to try again when the desire to have another child outweighed the fear of being pregnant again. I knew I wanted another child shortly after Aubree passed. This baby is not a replacement. There can never again be another Bree. She was unique and irreplaceable. Yet I can remember the feeling that came over me in the weeks after I lost her. This complete and utter burning desire to have another child.

Aubree was a surprise. A happy mistake. We had always been on the fence about a second child and there were many times I wished the decision would be made for me. When I found out I was pregnant with her it was as if Fate has declared the decision made and I was overjoyed. Losing her was like a slap in the face. Like Fate changing it's mind.  I couldn't get pregnant again fast enough.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid to try again; afraid to open myself back up to the possibility of another loss. Once bitten, twice shy. I remember several moments of panic when we were actively trying. I took THE pregnancy test at work in the bathroom after lunch. It was so faint, but the line was there. Panic. Joy. Panic. Joy. This was happening. Again. No going back now, but I can honestly say that the desire DOES outweigh the fear. There would never have come a time when the fear would not have been present. That would be impossible unless I could be guaranteed that history wouldn't repeat itself.

I posted an image quote by Hugh Laurie a few months ago. It says, "It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any." So much truth. I could have waited a lifetime before being truly "ready" to try again. Now was, and is, as good a time as any, as I know too well that tomorrow is not promised.

I am trying my best to be hopeful and positive about this pregnancy. It is not an easy task. If I could blink my eyes and have it be December, I would. We are approaching the time I lost Bree. Not the week I found out I had lost her, but the week we were told she had stopped growing. Baby steps I tell myself with a smile. If I break the time down into increments, milestones, it makes the weeks bearable.

We have yet to announce my pregnancy to those that personally know us, and my tumblr page isn't something those same people know about. At first it was because I didn't want to be judged, good or bad, by the people in my inner circle. Then it was because I didn't want to have to make another painful announcement should I lose this baby too. I am running out of reasons. I am beginning to feel the need to celebrate this pregnancy for what it is: a Blessing, a Gift, a Wonder. I've learned the hard way that a pregnancy is not a promise, but I will not let that knowledge take away from the beauty of the miracle of life. I'm ready. Almost.