I feel so empty

because I feel so overwhelmed by feeling so much of everything that I choose to be no part of it. Jenna Cooper 25 Nurse Pregnant

[jennaxcooper]

nxtehunter‌:

                NATHANIEL couldn’t wait for their newly expanded family to go home; for things to return to normal. Well, of course, it would be a new version of normal when it came to taking their daughter home, but it was a challenge that he looked forward to. He nodded as Jenna spoke, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips, although he knew what she was asking. “Well, I was hoping that we’d… Go to mine,” He started, running a hand through his hair, knowing that the nursery he’d designed and decorated was still to be revealed, “I kind of… Have a surprise waiting there.”

“Are you really telling a girl just leaving hospital that you have a surprise?” she asked, not really sure if she was with it enough to take it in. Then there was still the fact that she wasn’t sure if she had imagined everything he had said to her, or if it had been part of her imagination. She wished she knew the truth, but she wasn’t sure what to do at this stage. “Yours it is then. Though I only have the stuff my sisters brought in” she wished she had more, but she couldn’t keep asking them to bring her clothes, and she couldn’t tell him where she was living. 

[jennaxcooper]

Jenna sighed, running a hand through her hair. She wanted to be ok, she wanted to be handling this. But given how traumatic the birth had been, it was taking a while for things to make sense in her head. Nate had been amazing, that much was true, he had done more than he needed to, but it didn’t make things easier. Sighing softly, she smiled when she saw Kenzie. “Hey, long time no see. How you doing?” she asked with a smile. @kenzietxylor​

[jennaxcooper]

[jennaxcooper]

nxtehunter‌:

LOCATION: edens town general hospital.

WITH: @jennaxcooper​

                 THIS day had been too long coming. Nate was sure that he didn’t want to see another hospital room for as long as he lived; but at least it was a step in the right direction. They were going home. His drive to the hospital that morning had been filled with far more excitement than the previous journeys combined, and had presented itself in the form of an almost ear-to-ear grin by the time he’d gotten to Jenna’s room. Nathaniel wasted no time in making his way over to her, wrapping her in a gentle hug and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You ready to go home?”

Well one thing was true, she couldn’t handle being in the hospital any longer then she had to. It was one thing being a nurse here, another being a patient. But then came the question, of which home he was talking about. She had always avoided answering the question of where she was living, knowing if he had found out it was Ashford that would be a whole new issue. Well who wanted their child growing up there? But then there was the fact that she still didn’t know if what she had heard Nate say when she was unconscious was real or a dream, and it left her even more confused than before. “Home?” well it wasn’t as if she was going to argue with his definition, but she needed to know where she was going. 

[bensclos]

“I want it to be great, or nothing.“ Florence Pugh as Amy March (Little Women, 2019)

[jennaxcooper]

annccoopcr‌:

          As quickly as she could, Anna got up from her position on the bed and took some distance from her sister. Crossing her arms in front of her chest and not knowing quite well if her position stood for defiance over what her sister said, or protection of herself. “I’m not gonna stand in the middle of your fight with Ella, I’m not— what I believe is what I believe, they would be proud of you for becomin’ so independent, and maybe right we now we just have to accept that your family is Nate,” she shrugged. When Jenna was a child it was easier to be a shoulder for her to cry on, but now? Not so much. Maybe that was the case, after all, she needed to accept that in Jenna’s life no longer their sisterly bond took a priority place, she had a whole new family now with her baby and Nathaniel and maybe they would never understand her detachment, maybe they would never be able to peer into her mind or her feelings when she wasn’t willing to speak to them. Maybe it was time to let go, and it was one hurtful realization to come in terms with. “You know… when a person hurts you so much the way Jared did— the abuse wasn’t just physical Jenna, it was psychological too, that man was able to do so much and it really did piss him off when you both came back to town, you don’t know how many times he said he would harm the two of you if I did somethin’… you know I got pregnant twice? First when we started trying for a baby, but we miscarried soon and it was just one of the reasons why it all started and then last summer. I was six months along when he put me in the hospital and the baby never survived the blows he gave to my stomach, so maybe I do understand and I do respect your need to keep this baby alive, maybe I would have done the same if I was given the chance— maybe you are not as alone in the world as you think you are and maybe Nathaniel isn’t your only lifeline.” It hurt her to say all those things to her baby sister, to share this somber part of what she had gone through with Jared, knowing their lives had been different, but that at some point the both of them had known hurt and she wasn’t trying to compare. She wasn’t trying to say that she suffered more than Jenna, she was just trying to let her know she would have been there… if Jenna had let her. “I love you Jen, God— I would without a doubt jump in front of a speeding bus to save you, or a train, or a car, or a bullet, I…” she sighed, pressing her lips together because it didn’t matter what she said if she knew Jenna would probably have something to disagree with her words. “I’m gonna go, okay? I don’t think this conversation is healthy for either of us, not right now anyway, not while we are healin’. I’ll be back though, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and I’ll probably be around your house all the time when you go there to see you and my niece. I’ll call you later?”

“What argument? She hates me... I can’t argue against that. I don’t understand what it is I’ve done so wrong that has made you both hate me. I just didn’t want anyone there when I went into labour... I didn’t know the rest of it would happen” only she was beginning to feel like the worst person imaginable, and with her hormones still all over the place was just making her cry over everything. “So now I either get you or Nate as family? You are both my family, my feelings have never changed, though now it feels like you and Ella are both pushing me out of your lives, and no matter how hard I fight against it, I just get pushed out further” and she wasn’t strong enough right now to keep fighting it. Her emotions had been controlling her for too long, and she knew she had to get them under control now, for her baby. But how was she meant to do that when she was losing her sisters, and why? She didn’t know. Yes, she was still upset with their reaction, but it didn’t mean she wanted to lose them. Apparently she already had. She could feel her heart breaking all over again as Anna spoke. “Anna... how could I have known if you didn’t tell me?” she asked softly, realising that she was being punished for something she hadn’t known about. “Fuck if I had known I actually would have hit him with my car, or a knife” she never wanted to see her sisters get hurt, now she realised just how much she missed. “I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I know apologies do nothing, but I am sorry. If I had realised then I’d have been back sooner, done more to be there” but she hadn’t. Not that the hypocrisy of the situation wasn’t lost on her. Anna was mad at her for not telling her something, when evidently she had been keeping secrets too. “I never felt alone Anna. Not until now. Upset, angry, broken... sure, I felt all of those. But never alone, not like this before” but now it felt like she was losing everyone because they didn’t understand her choice. Because no one had yet given her a better reason for all this, other then the fact she had wanted to be alone when she went into labour, she hadn’t thought anyone would take it this badly. She nodded, too tired and confused to argue anymore. Everyone was telling her how she had been feeling, what she had done, and all of it was news to her. Now she was losing everyone and being blamed for them deciding to walk away. Maybe there was something deeply wrong with her that made people not want her in their lives, because she never thought her sisters would hate her this much. Perhaps this time she should just leave Edens for good, it seemed everyone would be better off with her gone.

[jennaxcooper]

forrestholloway‌:

“I knew I should’ve lead with what’s the meaning of life?” Forrest teased, snapping his fingers, as if to say damn, before shaking his head. He didn’t entirely know the drama surrounding the situation, nor was her entirely sure why she would ask for her sisters to not know she was in labor, but he knew better than to think it was his place to ask. Forrest was sure she’d had to answer a million questions about it already, so he was merely there as a mean of distraction. Distraction, he could do. “You’re the one in the hospital bed and you’re asking me how I’m doing.” A small laugh passed his lips, head shaking as he obeyed her command by sitting, pulling up a chair closer to the side of her bed. “…I’m good, though. And Elena is too.” His eyebrows rose. “You missed it. Think she’s even got a boyfriend now.”

“Always lead with that, you get some entertaining answers” she replied with a soft laugh. Laughing felt odd now, everything had been so tense recently, she wasn’t used to being happy. Funny really, she was meant to be bonding with her newborn baby, and instead she was being made to feel like some sort of evil monster who was shutting everyone out. The whole thing was just a mess and she didn’t know if she could fix it. “Well I’m in a hospital bed, so we both know I’m doing shit” she pointed out. “Ah... let me guess, you aren’t taking that so well”.

[jennaxcooper]

georgiiebanks‌:

“It’s cute, but it doesn’t seem quite appropriate. And yes, that’s a real name. When I heard about it, that’s when I knew Hollywood had gone a little too far. Pilot by itself isn’t terrible, but it’s still not great,” she replied with a laugh and a scrunch of her nose. “It will always stand, I promise. Just let me know and I’ll be there.” Reaching over, she took Jenna’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. “There’s no rush for anything like that, okay? You just went through one major life event, you don’t need to dive head first into another one unless you’re absolutely sure it’s something you want. If he does bring it up, just be honest with him about where you’re at.” With a light hum, Georgie looked down at her lap. “Not really… We kissed at the Christmas party Thalia and I threw and he told me the timing wasn’t great and then I relapsed later that night, so… I think that’s a sign that I need to let go. It’s not his fault I fell back into old habits, but if I’m tying my sobriety and happiness to the possibility of being with him, then it’s not a healthy attachment and it’s not fair to him. I’m trying to move forward from that, but I have no idea what that looks like.”

“And there is the issue I have with every name, just don’t seem right. Oh no... it’s terrible. That poor child is going to have to live with that for the rest of his life... wait, it is a boy right?” to be honest she could be wrong about that, and it would possibly make it even worse. “There’s the issue, there was a time I would have been sure. I love him, and he loves me... and we were good for each other. But then... I ran away from him, didn’t tell him I was pregnant... didn’t even tell him I went into labour. I love him... but if I am bad for him... then I can’t risk it, he’s come so far and I refuse to be what sets him back a decade” and she didn’t know if she would have that much impact, but if everyone else was hurting over her mistakes, why wouldn’t he be? She had to do the right thing by him, even if it broker her own heart. “Oh honey... it’s not, but you’re right. If he’s bad then you have to let him go. Is there a way to cut him out of your life completely?” 

[jennaxcooper]

romanmcnulty‌:

“Well, you’ve still got a little time before then, but I’m sure it’ll happen sooner than you think,” Roman reassured her, patting the back of her hand gently as the smile stayed on his face. He could understand why Jenna’s sisters would be upset, given the circumstances. He also knew that Ella especially tended to have a temper, but one thing about the Cooper sisters that he’d come to realize over his time in Edens was that they stuck together, no matter what. They’d come around, he was sure of it. “Well, good. I understand the desire to be here for you both and to take care of you, but there’s only so much we can do and he needs to look out for himself just as much. Especially since when you get this little one home, I’m gonna bet there won’t be a whole lot of sleep or frequent personal hygiene happening.”

“I know it will. Three Musketeers and all that. And I know they’re going through a lot as well, and we both know if I could do anything to help them I would... but I’m also not going to apologise for doing what was right for me when I was pregnant and when I went into labour. I didn’t want anyone there... I’m hardly the first girl in the world to want to be alone during it” and she wished more than anything that she could be there for her sisters right now, but she didn’t think they wanted her to be. They wanted an apology for something she didn’t feel guilty over. She should have told Nate... that much she agreed with, but she saw no point in telling anyone else. “Oh I’ve told him that, but I don’t think he sees it that way. Oh hygiene is definitely something we’ll be keeping up, even if it is only showers” that much she would ensure. “How about you, how are you doing?” 

[jennaxcooper]

annccoopcr‌:

          “Honey, stop that— stop carrying around guilt that is unfounded. If mom and dad were still alive… we don’t know what would have happened, but I never regretted takin’ care of you both, pops and ma were there to help along the way, but I wouldn’t change anythin’, you were angry and sad and you were just a kid. I would do it one thousand times over if it meant you were growin’ up to be this beautiful woman… mom and dad they would be proud of you, they would be proud of all of us for growin’ up,” Anna truly believed in so. There were times when she got lost in her own thoughts and imagined what life would have been like if Jane and Jason Cooper were still alive. If they would be just as in love now as they were sixteen years ago. If the family would be gathered around the same fireplace every year. If the three of them would be more functional on their own. Anna, though, she didn’t think of her sisters as burdens, no. She was even selfish in wanting to have direct opinions on how they grew up, wanting to pass on them what their parents had taught her, what their parents didn’t have the time to teach them. Looking at Jenna seemed like stolen time, she was only 10 years old and children don’t know how to grief… they shouldn’t grief and they shouldn’t have to mourn the loss of both parents, and yet those were the cards they were dealt with. “You have to know that doesn’t matter what is happenin’ in my life, I’ll always worry about you, constantly, it’s just wired in me—- with mom and that and without them, it has always been there…” she sighed and shook her head, “of course Ella is gonna talk to you. She’s just sad, angry and confused. In the span of a week, she saw both of her sisters in the hospital and I don’t want to poke on the wound but you not lettin’ us know hurt, it really did, doesn’t matter if we respect your decisions or not, because it hurt and it was too much all at once, she just needs to process that… she has not been okay for a long time, Jen— none of us have.” Wasn’t that the underestimation of the century? Pressing a kiss to her sister’s temple, there was strength in their unity and they needed to be together now more than ever. She nodded at her question, always wanting her sisters to understand some of what she did. “On some part. He would threaten to hurt you if I left— to hurt my friends… he was very good at manipulatin’ me,” she brows furrowed and she knew she didn’t want to talk about this particular subject then and there. There were more pressing matters to discuss. Now Jared was gone and nothing but a bad memory to them, bad times they had been through and no matter how much she looked down on her hands and saw blood, there was nothing that would change the fate she had given him. “You will, we’re all rooting for you to get out of the hospital as soon as possible, Nate misses you home and I can’t wait until there is no Cooper here—- she’ll be fine honey, both of you will,” she squeezed her hand lightly and a small smile crossed her lips. “Yes… I’ve been stayin’ with Hector and lookin’ for a new house with Kendell, I’ve been to the old house with Hector and… it wasn’t pretty,” her nose wrinkled, “but I’ve been comin’ here a lot, for you, to give Nate some reprieve, to see my niece and to see Elodie… have you picked a name yet?”

“You say that... Ella says they’d hate who I’ve become... which is it?” and she was tired of having to guess. She had no idea which of her memories were real and which of them were just stories she had heard other people telling. She was tired, and upset, and right now it felt like she had become the punching bag for her sisters emotions and for what? Because she had done something they didn’t agree with? And if she argued back... now it just felt like she was confirming their arguments, and she was sick and tired of it all. She simply hadn’t wanted anyone there when she went into labour, it wasn’t like she was the first woman who had wanted that. But that’s the thing, you don’t respect it, else you wouldn’t keep telling me how you felt about it, or how Ella felt about it. I was the one in labour, me. The only person who has any right to be angry with me right now is Nate, and he isn’t. My entire life I have respected any decision you or Ella made, even you staying with Jared even though I lost sleep over that... but I decide I don’t want anyone there for when I have to push a small child out, and I get this? You were in hospital, I was trying not to stress you out even more... and Ella, you can’t argue that she was stressed seeing us in hospital and then tell me I was wrong for trying to avoid her seeing me in hospital. Or even justify her coming in here yelling at me to grow up because I was in denial over the pregnancy when it’s been less than a year since my son died. I get she’s upset, but so am I, and I am done, trying to explain my choice to anyone other than Nate... or at least that was what she wanted to say. But what was the point? They had both made it clear they didn’t agree with her choice, and she knew she was never going to get them to respect her. She loved her sisters, but right now it was very hard not to be heartbroken by how they were taking their hurt out on her. “Why didn’t you call the police? They could have prevented that” of course logically she knew it wasn’t so simple, but her sister was living with the man, and fuck only knew what he did to her. “I’ll believe that, when I see it” she couldn’t believe anything else, not now. “I can imagine. Have you found anywhere? No... not yet. We will but... it’s hard” and hardly been the front of her mind,

[jennaxcooper]

nxtehunter‌:

                  “BABE, I know,” Nate murmured, lifting a hand to brush some of her hair back from her face. “But you’re both here, you’re both alive. That’s all that matters now.” He continued, knowing somewhere deep in his heart that everything would be alright. The most important thing now was for them all to get home and manage as a family - something he was sure would be no easy feat, but a challenge he was looking forward to nonetheless. A slight smile pulled at the corners of his lips as Jenna spoke again, “I– might have spent too long looking in baby name books, I’m not gonna lie about it.” That, and the fact that he’d decorated an entire nursery since he’d come back to Edens, only trying to reinforce the fact that he had no plans to leave. He paused for a moment, plucking his phone out of his back pocket and pulling up the ever-expanding list he’d come up with, “I like Maia, Charlotte, Amelia and Louise,” He began, holding the phone out to her, “Before we make any decisions though, do you wanna go see her?”

“It isn’t... I did what I did to give her her best chance. That doesn’t end because she was born... that doesn’t end until... well, either she or us are dead” that was what being parents meant wasn’t it? She believed so, but then she barely even remembered her own. She wanted to, she tried to, but she never knew what were just stories and what was real. She heard her sisters talk about them, and she wanted to remember, wanted to try, but she wasn’t going to live her life fighting to live up to their example. Not when everyone seemed to worship them. “You have been busy” she said, looking at the list in surprise, she had barely even thought about it, other then giving the baby her mother’s name as a middle name should she live. “I don’t think I can walk that far right now”. 

[jennaxcooper]

jessgrcyson‌:

          “There were some complications due to the time between your last childbirth and the next conception,” she could bore Jenna with details, but she was a nurse too and Jessica hardly thought she wasn’t aware of the possible outcomes once she got pregnant with her little girl. It was a good thing that she was there on a professional visit because the blonde was the very last person who could possibly provide some advice on the situation. She had aborted before and probably, if seen on Jenna’s shoes, she would have done it again. “Uh yes,” the blonde nodded, her eyes now on the chart as she updated and checked a few things before she needed to get back on her rounds in the next couple of hours, “your baby girl is healthy and happy, she was in the NICU for a couple of days, but it was more of a prevention than an actual need, and your sisters…” Jess cleared her throat as she held the chart to her chest so she could look at Jenna, “they have been sort of wreckin’ havoc ‘round here, wouldn’t be exactly surprised if they decided to sue the hospital, and if you ask my opinion, which you probably don’t and shouldn’t wanna know, I’d be doin’ the very same.”

“I know... knew the whole time that was going to happen” and she had done it anyway. She had to. She had lost her son, she couldn’t lose another child, not without fighting tooth and nail to save her life. She couldn’t believe that had been enough though, she wouldn’t, not until both of them were home safe and sound. She wasn’t even sure if that would ever be possible. Hope had stopped being her strong point a long, long time ago. “It’s never a prevention” she knew too well, there must have been a reason, or maybe anything involving her child’s life right now was going to scare her. She hoped not, it sounded exhausting to her, and she wasn’t sure she could cope with it. “Why? I didn’t want anyone there when I went into labour. Lots of women out there don’t. And then the hospital called my emergency hospital. If they had done anything differently, it would be a breach of my privacy and then I’d be sueing them”. 

[jennaxcooper]

georgiiebanks‌:

“Oh please don’t! That’s almost as bad as some of the baby names celebrities pick. Poor Pilot Inspektor… that kid’s going to get teased the rest of his life.” Scrunching up her nose, she shook her head. “Hey, if you need someone to workout with, you know I’m right there with you.” Leaning back against the upright hospital bed, she hummed softly as she thought over her words. “Yeah, that would be something awkward to bring up… Maybe you could leave hints around? Like a wedding magazine or something.” She laughed. “I don’t really know, I’m not great with this kind of thing. I’ve been pining after the same person for the last ten years.”

“Oh come on little Gummy Bear Cooper-Hunter... you don’t think it’s cute? Pilot Inspektor... that’s... a real name?” she asked, almost in a state of shock by it. This had been exactly what she needed, someone just to talk to her like she was her normal self. “Oh please, you are gorgeous. But if the offer still stands when I am fit for action I will call you” and that much was a promise she did intend to keep. “I might need a little more time to plan that. Besides... I don’t know if I can say yes... this whole place is confusing what I know and what I don’t” and it made no sense to her why he would even want to marry her, she wasn’t special. “Has anything changed on that front? I mean, he must be crazy if he doesn’t see how amazing you are”.

[jennaxcooper]

Being home was weird, weird and far too exhausting for her liking. She wanted to adjust, but everything was happening so quickly that she wasn’t doing so well on that front. She would be ok... she had to be, but getting there was hardly easy when everyone knew she wasn’t ok. Sighing softly, she had taken Charlie out for a walk, needing some fresh air, and try and rebuild some of her strength. She’d be ok... she’d be ok... she had to keep reminding herself of that. What she hadn’t expected was to run into Brian... oh of all the timing. “I know... you hate me but... can you not... please” well she had missed him, but her running away had stopped any chance of reconnecting. @brian---wright​

[jennaxcooper]

annccoopcr‌:

          “I’m not mad at you,” Anna reinforced, “and never refer to yourself as a burden— you’ve always been anythin’ but that,” she assured as she wiped the tears from her sister’s cheek as she had always done when she was younger. Even before their parents’ death, Anna had occupied herself with the task of taking care of Jenna no matter what. Maybe it was the big age difference between them, and then maybe it was just because their bond had always been different than hers and Jenna’s, either way, she had never hesitated in being the forefront on taking care of her little sister. “I need you to understand that you can come to me for anythin’ and everythin’. I don’t care if you’re a grown woman— you’re still my sister, doesn’t mean that you have to go through everythin’ alone. We’ve been through too much and we’re still gonna go through quite a lot yet,” she slid her hand to grab her sister’s, “you’d be surprised to know how many times just the thought of you and Ella got me through things, you know? I would have trusted your opinion, I might not be a mother, but I can understand givin’ up your life for someone you love,” she swallowed thickly, thinking that maybe she wouldn’t get the full point across, but she needed to at least try and yet again, she wasn’t there to point the wrong in what Jenna had done, she was there to understand and not invalidate why Jenna had chosen to take that path. She was not a little girl anymore, that much was for sure. She was a grown woman. She was a mother, and as much as she wanted to be excited about it, she needed her sister to be in the same mindset as she was. “But I’m not mad at you— I’m proud of you, honey. Goin’ through all of this again after Tommy must not have been easy, but you should love your little girl. The excitement and happiness will eventually come once your mind understands that nothin’ is happenin’. She’s beautiful Jen, she has your little nose,” she outlined the bridge of her sister’s nose, “and your cheeks, although hers are indefinitely chubbier. She looks a lot like you when you were just a baby and when I was watchin’ her, she grinned in her sleep, the same way you used to do, and guess what? Cooper dimples!” Anna smiled now, even though she could taste her own tears. Jenna being alive, her being alive, Ella back and a baby on top of it all, seemed like their darkest days were finally over. 

“Anna... we both know that isn’t true. If... if mum and dad hadn’t gone... well you’d never have needed to look after me the way you did, Ella too. You were both hurting too, and you were stuck with an angry and upset kid who didn’t get that. When I left Edens... yes, most of my reasoning was because I hated the town, but it was more than that. I needed to prove that I could look after myself, that I could change. Even if it was only to myself, I needed to know I could live without the safety net” and she had thought she had, but the moment things had got complicated, she had run back home. What that proved about her she really didn’t know. “I know... but you were going through so much as it was. I needed you to worry about yourself, not about me. Ella though... I don’t think she’s ever going to want to talk to me again after this” her sister’s words still ringing in her ears. She got it, her sister had gone through a lot and was hurting, but she couldn’t pretend that they didn’t hurt. “Is that why you stayed with him? Because you thought he’d come after us?” she asked, the pieces finally clicking in her mind. She had never understood why Anna hadn’t run from her arsehole of a husband before, but now... now she could begin to see the reasoning from her words. “The hardest thing I’ve ever done. But... she saved me as well. After Tommy... part of my heart died with him, and it was hurting to even breath. Then what the rest came back positive... I know I’ve been negative about the whole thing, but I still was trying to give her her best chance. This... I’ll grow to love her I’m sure, but I need to get out of the hospital first, because everytime that door opens, I just think it’s the doctor telling me she’s gone” she knew she’d never completely get over her son, it was impossible. “Anna have you been home at all? You’re meant to be looking after yourself as well right now” she asked, well she hadn’t been out of it that long, she had seen her sister before she went into labour, she wanted her to be ok and recover. 

[jennaxcooper]

ella--cooper‌:

“Don’t, please, just don’t.” Ella held up her hand as Jenna spoke, taking a deep breath so she could curb the things coming to her mind. She had never felt like she had to censor herself with her younger sister, she always wanted them to be open and honest with each other. But somewhere along the way that had all shifted and maybe Ella hadn’t asked enough questions or maybe because there had just been a disconnect neither of them had seen coming. “Actually no, you really think that was what was best for the baby? Having no one here? Having no one to celebrate the birth of this child? You know I’m,” she sat up in her chair and looked Jenna right in her eyes, “It’s not about forgiving you, Jenna, it’s about trying to get you to see that what you did was fucking stupid. It was. Look, you’re 25 and you’re gonna make mistakes, but you’re a mom now, and you spent fucking nine months basically in denial. So you know what I want to say to you? I want to sympathize, I want to be sweet, I want to be comforting like Anna is but I can’t, because what I really want to say is it’s time to grow the fuck up, Jenna. You need to get your ass in therapy, you need to stop lying to yourself and stop lying to us. Anna almost died. You almost died. I almost lost both of you in one fucking week and why? Because you both convinced yourself that you could handle all of this all on your own. That you had it all under control. Well guess what? You don’t. You don’t have it and frankly I’m fucking tired of you acting like you know what’s best, because honestly I dont think you do. And this is not the fucking type of person that mom and dad would want us to be. Honestly. So yeah, I’m fucking mad, and I’m annoyed, and I’ll get over it eventually. But you need to step the fuck up and do the work. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kid. Stop having conversations with just yourself when there are more people in your life. Nate has been outside 24/7. Don’t you think he would’ve liked to be here to witness the birth of his daughter? Or comfort you if you lost her? It’s about more than you now, Jenna.” Ella got to her feet and took a deep breath, feeling so detached from herself it was like she was hovering above watching this entire reaction. “I’m going away for a little while. Just a week. I’m about to lose my fucking mind in this place so instead of jumping off a cliff, metaphorically and perhaps literally, I’m gonna take care of myself. We can talk again when I’m back.”

Ok, so she had asked for that, even if she hadn’t quite been expecting it. Still, what was she meant to do? She could feel the tension, and she’d rather have heard it then wonder what was going on. But what was she meant to say? She didn’t agree with a word of it, but if she argued back then it would seemingly be proving her point. Did she believe what she had done was wrong? No. She hadn’t known she’d fall unconscious, she ha thought she’d either be fine or she’d die. This whole thing was a shock, and being blamed for it... god she got why they angry, but it had been out of her hands. “I already was a mum” she replied, her voice calm, even if she wasn’t feeling it. Sure she had kept it quiet, but everyone seemed to forgot that she and Nate had been here before. They had a son, they had been parents, and they had watched him die. Yes, perhaps she had been a little irrational, but she didn’t believe her denial for a second child so soon after was unwarranted. If the baby lived, she’d get through it, become everything she wanted to have been for Tommy. But right now... months of pain didn’t just vanish. “I know what’s best for me Ella. Just because you don’t like it, doesn’t mean that I’m wrong” but there it was again, she was always going to be viewed as the little girl with pigtails. “It’s been about more than me for a long time. That’s why I did what was right for me in that moment, and given that I was pushing a baby out of me, I think I was allowed to be selfish in that moment” and what else could she do. She sighed, not wanting to point out the hypocrisy in Ella yelling at her for doing what she had needed to do, and then saying she was leaving because that was right for her. She was still hormonal, and she knew she could take things the wrong way. “Have a good trip. Love you... even if you hate my guts right now”. 

[jennaxcooper]

georgiiebanks‌:

“Nicknames won’t go away ever; she’ll always be Gummy Bear, even when she’s old and wrinkly,” Georgie replied with a laugh, settling down onto the edge of the hospital bed so she could be as close to Jenna as possible without getting wrapped up in all of the wires. “See, I told you I’d be your chocolate supplier. I got you.” Georgie’s brow raised at Jenna’s words, initially worried that something might have been wrong health-wise until she shared the news and the woman’s eyes shot wide along with the grin that spread across her face. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Are you serious? Do you remember what he said exactly? Have you talked to him about it since? Oh my god, Jenna! That’s so exciting. Are you nervous? I need to stop asking questions, but I have so many!”

“Well we haven’t named her yet, that could be a serious option” she joked, knowing that she’d never get Nate to agree, but also knowing she was always going to use it as a nickname. “I’m going to have to change your name in my phone to that. And then join a gym, because I am vain and I need to be thin” which would start with losing the baby weight, however long that would take. “Not really... I don’t even know if he said it. How do I ask if I’m wrong, especially when I don’t want to pressure him into anything. I don’t even know what I’d say if he did ask me”.