This is my 2nd letter in a series.Ā Not all are for you.
I donāt want to address you.Ā I donāt want to think about you but to get over everything you did I have to.
I remember being punished for being sick in your car. Leaving a little girl home alone while everyone goes out to have fun. No food all day bar whatever I could snack on that was in the house, no radio or TV. An actualĀ prison.Ā
I remember being yelled out for stupid things.
I remember begging Mum not to let us go with you.
I remember the awful camping trips in which youād just leave us in a field while you went out.Ā
I remember you having tantrums about the stupidest things. We didnāt know what to do one day and you left us in Cornwall. In the middle of the little town. We sat on the beach all day then sat by your car until you came back.Ā If Emily hadnāt remembered where your car was parked, we might have never been found. Something bad could have happened but you were angry that we had done nothing all day.
I remember you and Emily having fights. You picking her up by her neck or her hair. Making Claire and I watch.
I remember you ringing Mum up on my 16th birthday and asking if you could stop paying child support.Ā
I remember when you moved back to the UK and we found out you owed nearly Ā£7000 in child support for me alone. I donāt know about the other two.
I remember Mum telling me how she forced you to be a Dad to us and not abandon us like you did with our brothers.
I remember finding out at age 19 that I had another brother.Ā
I remember last year when I askedĀ you to tell me about my brothers. Asking to know why we were never told about him, Why we were kept secret and why you abandoned your middle son because he was disabled.
You refused to answer. Then at Christmas last year you tried to buy me. I was given a choice of having Ā£50 or never talking to you again.Ā That was one of the easiest choices I ever made.Ā
I remember a lot of other things but Iām not willing to make them public.
You are not a Father.Ā
You are a sperm donor to 5 people. Possibly more - letās face it. You probably donāt know if you have any more children or not.
You are not my Father.Ā For all my Mumās faults, she is my Mum and Dad in one.
I donāt use your name because it hurts.Ā I tend to call youĀ āherā or sometimesĀ āitā. -which is childish, I know.Ā
My therapist told me to writer this letter to you. Apparently it will help me move on. Iām not sure how true that is.Ā
I donāt know where to start. As you know, Iāve been with him for 3 years.Ā I donāt know when you came into the picture or how.Ā I think you probably knew about me and I donāt know why he did what he did. When I found out I screamed and cried and had to stay at my sisters house because she thought I would hurt myself.Ā Ā
Things werenāt perfect - nothing ever is - and I know my mental health never helped so I probably pushed him away. I was a part of the family.Ā I was at his every weekend, gave birthday and Christmas presents to his parents and grandmother. They did the same.Ā And I wondered if this was what a normal family life was like.Ā Admittedly my Mum wasnāt the greatest towards him, sheās always been a bit judgemental. However when I found out, even his parents turned against me.Ā I still got them Christmas presents and sent texts, nothing, not even a thank you. And that stung, to be treated like that when really it was their son that did wrong.Ā I know they treat his brother like he can do no wrong so theyāre likely taking the same approach with this.Ā Despite me and him trying to make things work right now and sort ourselves out (both seeing therapists), they will not speak to me.Ā It stings sometimes.Ā Iām not here to talk to you about my own family life but it isnāt easy and being a part of his family was really special to me.
I tryĀ to focus my anger on you a lot of the time.Ā Which isnāt fair on you, because it was both of you doing this, but I find it easier to do that because I donāt know you.Ā I find it hard to get you out of my head. The littlest thing sparks memories of finding out and I just well up.Ā Ā
Not long after I found out about you, my granddad died.Ā He was 90 so he did pretty well considering he was a para back in the day.Ā But he turned up at my granddadās funeral with dyed hair. And I just remember breaking down.Ā It brought back memories of him returning from what I was told was his cousins with dyed hair.Ā Which now I found out was your house.
Thereās a multitude of other things.Ā Like netflix. He signed me into your netfilx account and we would use it.Ā I feel sick thinking about that. Iāve asked him to take get rid of everything like that.Ā And anything you sent him, I have asked him to get rid of but how can I check when his parents wonāt speak to me? So I guess Iāll have to trust that.Ā My trust with him is shattered and the only reason I took him back and weāre working on it is because weāre good together. Neither of us want to be without the other.Ā 8 months or so on and I still struggle.Ā He wasĀ the one person I trusted with a lot of things and now we are having to rebuild on this.Ā Ā
A lot of my friends donāt like me for my decision.Ā So Iām having to deal with that right now too.Ā I know you donāt want my sob story, you probably donāt care about me in the slightest.Ā I donāt know why Iām writing this anyway.Ā Like I said, my therapist said it would be good but I donāt know how.
I have always struggled to let go of things and you are one biiiiig thing to try and let go of.
I feel sick writing this. My mouth tastes of milk and my stomach aches so much. Iāll have a good cry when Iām done Iām sure.
I have so many questions.Ā The biggest one being why?Ā I donāt want to be told that you actually loved each other because...well I mean who would want to hear that.Ā He reassures me often that he didnāt.Ā I know you wonāt want to hear that but he probably said similar stuff to you.Ā Ā
Did you realise what you were doing?
Did you care what you were doing?
Did you ever ask him to stop and tell the truth?
Did you ever fuck?
Why is his picture still all over your stuff?
Do you still talk?
When did it start and end?
How can I get over you?
I know you wonāt read this let alone reply.Ā My heart is running 1000bpm Iām sure. I hope you move on too if you havenāt already.Ā Please know that although I try to blame you for a lot of this, I know deep down it was him too.Ā Itās just easier for me this way.Ā I am very mixed. I want you to be sorry and I want to know youāre suffering too but honestly, I donāt want this feeling on anyone.Ā Ā
Lesley says itās a good idea for me to be more open so Iām doing it again
Are you named after anyone?
My Mum originally then incidentally my Grandma
If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?
Something a bit more original but not so out there that Iām a sore thumb
Which of your parents are you closest to?
Mama
Which of your parents are you more like?
Fuck if I know
Are your grandparents still married?
Both sets were married however 3/4 are dead soooooo
What is one thing that youāve never revealed to your parents?
Tattoos
What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
Billy
What is the most important thing in your life?
It varies. People sometimes.Ā
What has required the most courage of you in your life so far?
I guess what Iām doing now - not this question shit but the whole getting my head sorted and my relationships and work
What is your favourite childhood memory?
Not my fav. but one that sticks out in my mind is hiding with Aimee in a field, with her dog and pretending to be spies
What is your favourite colour?
A nice dark green
What was your favourite TV show when you were a child?
Probs Jungle Run or My Parent are Aliens. OR Bernardās watch
Would be Moomins but it wasnāt technically on when I was a kid
Are you scared of heights?
Not really
Are you high maintenance?
Iām sure some would say I am
Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?
Avoid like de plagueĀ
Are you a dog person or cat person?
Bit o both plz
Are you a fan of any sports team?
LETāS GO BLUE JAYS
If you had more courage what would you do differently in your life now?
Go missing
What aspect of your life needs tremendous improvement?
What aspect doesnāt
Who is the worst boss youāve ever had?
You know itās bad when Iām legally not allowed to disclose that ahahaha
Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?
Yes..is this a thing??
Do you remember your dreams?
Yes though often wish I didnāt
Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?
Keep depending on who it is from
Do you sing in the shower?
Always
Do you sleep with the lights on or off?
Lights off, curtains open because I like natural light in the morning
Do you spell the colour as grey or gray?
Grey...the right way
Do you prefer kissing or cuddling?
Both really
Do you have a hidden dream that youāve never shared with anyone?
I want to be a missing person. Of my own accord, not kidnapped or anything like that. Just to vanish
Do you have pets?
Got my baby boy cat whose old family doesnāt even talk to me anymore after 20 years of knowing them #thanksbitches
Do you have a best friend, if so, then who?
Oddly enough, probably Jac
Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?
Cazza
Who sent the last text message you received?
...
Who was the last person you ate dinner with?
Uhhh Carys I think
Who was your first Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
A boy who was too old for me and was not a nice person. His friend helped me get away from that
Who was your first friend in college?
The English college? Tom. The American college...I did not attend
What is your idea of special time together?
Just something private.Ā Like going to a park where no one is around an having a walk and a picnic and something like that. Staying until night and stargazing.
What is your most embarrassing moment?
My life
What is your most used swear word?
At the moment it seems to beĀ āpiss-sacksā
What is something that amazes you?
Human strength - emotionally
What was the name of your first pet?
I was born into a family with 2 cats - Polly and Splodgo, and a dog named Bess
How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologise?
Very, I hold grudges
How far away from your birthplace do you live now?
Like an hour
How many Boyfriends/Girlfriends have you had?
Iāve had a total of 4 boyfriends. Only one was an exceptionally respectful relationship which makes sense because now he is gay. I was 14 at the time
Would you ever consider living abroad?
Oh absolutely. Letās get away from here
Have you ever taken self-defence lessons?
Kind of a requirement for my job
What is a strange occurrence youāve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?
I often get recurring dreams
What is the last compliment you got?
Sandra said that she values me
What is the most boring movie youāve watched?
Napoleon Dynamite, and Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus
What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?
Belief in myself
Where would you want to retire to?
Canada or Arizona
What is the first thing you do when you get home?
Uniform off, jammies on
What do you like about your home?
Itās mine. My landlord gives me freedom to do what I want with it and I have no one to appease other than me and the cat
What time do you usually get up in the morning?
06:15 - I have to be at work by 7
What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
Probably Polish. Or BSL
What medical conditions do you have?
Rheumatoid ArthritisĀ
Livedo Reticularis
DysthymiaĀ
Anxiety
RaynaudsĀ
What was the first concert you ever attended?
Party in the Park with Steps and Blue
What was the first tattoo you got?
My treble clef with stink lines
What was the last thing you bought?
Elf makeup
What do you dislike about living in your neighbourhood?
The people and the poverty
What is the best part of your job?
Constantly learning about people and knowing sometimes that I actually am helping them
What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life?
Admin apprentice
Receptionist
Admin again
Data and Performance Lead
Substance Misuse Healthcare Assistant/AdviserĀ
What takes the biggest chunk of your paycheck?
Fooking rent
What current world events are really troubling to you?
Basically all the world leaders are cunties
What is the pettiest thing youāve done to prove a point?
Let the whole admin service suffer because they didnāt listen to my training sessions or use my How To Guides that I stayed late for. Slowly stopped answering emails and phonecalls. Itās still a shambles and I get asked to help them out, I refuse.
Which animals scare you most? Why?
Geese because one bit me when I was a child. Vile creature
What are some of your bad habits?
Skin pulling and nail biting
Is there any item you collect?
Business cards
To what extent do you trust people?
A full 0
What do you think about more than anything else?
Worst case scenarios and my flaws
Is your father bald?
Dunno. Not spoken to him in a year
When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long-term result?
It was 2014.Ā Met James on a plane and a few months later we were together
What piece of art did you see that youāve never forgotten?
OMG that painting from the Jonathan Creek episode.Ā The Grinning Man
If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
People wonāt like my answer but no one will read it.Ā Iād lower the population.Ā
If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be?
Donāt get too attached to friends because they go
When did you suffer your first heartbreak?
Last year.
Is anyone in your family in the army?
Dude theyāre mostly QuakersĀ
Which came first the chicken or the egg? Why?
The egg.Ā Because two things got together, somehow the female was inseminated and it took. Egg was lain and the Chicken was born
Would you rather have a friend whoās very blunt with their words or a friend who tells a lot of white lies?
Girl be blunt, life is short and people are cunts
Would you rather live in a five bedroom apartment all alone or live in a one bedroom apartment with five kids?
Duh, be alone in a giant flat. I can still invite people
Would you rather talk in your sleep or fart in your sleep?
I already talk in my sleep
I have nothing to say but I just logged in and saw this so Iām doing it
Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?
None
is your room messy or clean?
Both
what colour are your eyes?
Green
do you like your name? why?
No. Reminds me of my dad
what is your relationship status?
I think weāre getting there
describe your personality in 3 words or less
fucking lame
what colour hair do you have?
blonde
what kind of car do you drive? color?
donāt
where do you shop?
for what? I have morrisons deliver my food
how would you describe your style?
lazy
favorite social media account
i mean... i only have this and facebook
what size bed do you have?
Double
any siblings?
4
if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?
Arizona if it werenāt in America. Because it feels like home but also guns n Trump
favorite snapchat filter?
donāt use it
favorite makeup brand(s)
Elf
how many times a week do you shower?
about 5
favorite tv show?
That 70s show or Friends..some shit like that
shoe size?
4 UK
how tall are you?
5ā²1
sandals or sneakers?
Uhhh iāll go with trainers for my crappy ankles
do you go to the gym?
No but i should
describe your dream date
Not waking up lols
how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?
0
what color socks are you wearing?
Iām not
how many pillows do you sleep with?
Well..thereās 4 on by bed with 2 throw pillows but i donāt sleep on any
do you have a job? what do you do?
I work with substance misuse patients
how many friends do you have?
AhahAHAHAHA FRIENDS??!?!?!
whats the worst thing you have ever done?
I once let my sister get in trouble for a hole in something when it was me
whats your favorite candle scent?
Anything fruity
3 favorite boy names
Billy, Dylan, uhhhhh....i used to like Nick but then I met a shitty person called Nick.Ā Ellis
3 favorite girl names
Aisha, Billie, and Elsie
favorite actor?
Gosling...but because I like his films
favorite actress?
Emma Stone
who is your celebrity crush?
Gemma Arterton duh
favorite movie?
Right now i like Blue Valentine
do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?
yes and no
Itās Kind of a Funny Story
money or brains?
50/50
do you have a nickname? what is it?
I do not.Ā People call me Jen but i fucking wish they wouldnt
how many times have you been to the hospital?
Uh a few
top 10 favorite songs
I really canāt calculate that right now but you can bet The Maine is on there a few times
do you take any medications daily?
Several
what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)
Dryish
what is your biggest fear?
Loneliness - ironic I guess
how many kids do you want?
A whole 0
whats your go to hair style?
Shove it on top of my head
what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)
A converted church
who is your role model?
Jac
what was the last compliment you received?
Sandra had a big sit down talk with me and just sat and sang my praises at me the other day. It was cringeyĀ
what was the last text you sent?
āNo she ma babeā
how old were you when you found out santa wasnāt real?
I think about 6/7
what is your dream car?
One driven by someone else
opinion on smoking?
Ew
do you go to college?
No
what is your dream job?
Uh I also canāt calculate that right now
would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?
Rural
do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?
AlwaysĀ
do you have freckles?
Some
do you smile for pictures?
Iād rather make myself deliberately ugly so Iām not shocked at my grossness
how many pictures do you have on your phone?
164
have you ever peed in the woods?
Probs but i donāt remember
do you still watch cartoons?
Uh James likes Simpsons
do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendyās or McDonalds?
Neither
Favorite dipping sauce?
None
what do you wear to bed?
Uh well tonight Matthew Iām in a nice outfit consisting of: a shirt I bought when i was 14 and some shorts
have you ever won a spelling bee?
Iāve never been in one
what are your hobbies?
Being home alone any crying
can you draw?
I mean yeah but it aint good
do you play an instrument?
Used to
what was the last concert you saw?
Oh man I donāt even remember - Mayday Parade poss
tea or coffee?
Water
Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?
I guess Starbs
do you want to get married?
I donāt know
what is your crushās first and last initial?
JW
are you going to change your last name when you get married?
fucking yes
what color looks best on you?
Dark colours usually
do you miss anyone right now?
Oh plenty oĀ peeps
do you sleep with your door open or closed?
open for the kitty to come and go
do you believe in ghosts?
no
what is your biggest pet peeve?
being called JEN
last person you called`
Emily
favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint choc
regular oreos or golden oreos?
Whats a golden oreo? Like pissing on an oreo?
chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?
Uh chocolate i guess
what shirt are you wearing?
Some old shit from topshop
what is your phone background?
Sparkie-RIP
are you outgoing or shy?
Iām a weird mix of both
do you like it when people play with your hair?
Yeaaaah
do you like your neighbors?
Theyāre not the worst
do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?
Yes, both
have you ever been high?
No
have you ever been drunk?
Tipsy
last thing you ate?
Eezy Freeze
favorite lyrics right now
I recall once on the church steps,
When I moved to kiss your chest,
How we paid such close attention
To each sweet and stuttered breath,
I should've stopped to paint our picture,
Captured honest pure affection,
Just to document the difference between attraction and connection.
summer or winter?
summer
day or night?
day
dark, milk, or white chocolate?
milk
favorite month?
Uhhh I donāt know
what is your zodiac sign
Pisces
who was the last person you cried in front of?
The cat
āI like that although the Creators are playing God, religion is never brought into the conversation by the writer.Ā It makes the reader experience an inner conflict and bring religion into it themselves to answer, for themselves, if they believe what the Creators are doing is classed as ātoo farā.Ā Is it, for them, a breakthrough in science or is it people going too far to become omnipotent?ā
I know Iām bullshitting. The teacher knows Iām bullshitting but at least it is getting her off my back.Ā She canāt say I didnāt answer her question.Ā She can say that I didnāt read the book.
I can feel her staring at me. Maybe she can read my mind. Maybe she knows that Iām not controlling what Iām saying.Ā My mouth is talking but my head is spinning.Ā She knows.Ā They all know.Ā
I must be crazy or something, of course they donāt know. No one can read minds.Ā
Oh god Iām over thinking.Ā Iām going red, my stomach hurts, my mouth is dry. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
I stop.
The room is quiet.
āVery good.Ā Interesting perspective on things.Ā What I want you all to remember..ā
Iāve stopped listening. Maybe she wasnāt looking at me or reading my mind after all. Maybe she was just waiting for me to shut the fuck up so she could continue teaching the lesson.Ā Teach the kids that she thinks will go far.Ā My opinion is nothing, but she told my Mum that I never contribute to classes so she called on me to answer.Ā Then she has an update for my Mum.
Now I feel self involved. Why would the whole class be staring at me, trying to read my mind? What makes me so important that I would be in everyoneās head for them to try and figure out? What an idiot,Ā
The bell goes.Ā
Pack up, next lesson.
Sit through lesson and make notes but once again my brain is on auto pilot. My hands write things down and my face pulls expressions to pretend Iām interested but really Iām back in my mind.Ā Believing that everyone is trying to get into my brain, to dissect me, to figure out the quiet girl who is also loud.Ā The shy girl who sings with her friends.Ā The ambivert.Ā What a paradixical freak.Ā
āExcuse me.ā
Someone is talking to me.
No one is looking at me.
āExcuse meā
I canāt tell who is talking.
āJenny, are you ok?ā - that was the teacher. I saw who said that. I nod.Ā
I can hear something outside. Itās as though someone is stomping upstairs. But my school doesnāt have any stairs.Ā Not this again. I thought I was better.
Iām starting to get scared about my health now. Iām catching things more frequently. I think my immune system is shutting down even more. My nights are always really bad. The sheets are soaked from sweat, my legs are swollen and in agony, and I just canāt sleep.
I wish I hadnāt missed that GP appointment, my head just isnāt screwed on lately and thatās also worrying me.
I think if I do get another job it might have to be part time but I canāt afford that
Iām scared that Iāve upset you now by talking to you.Ā I told Lesley this would happen and she still said I had to do it.Ā What if itās just a repeat of easter again and now you just disappear?
I donāt know.Ā This is all a bit much right now.Ā I donāt know what Iām meant to do.
Worried about work now.Ā Jac and Sandra arenāt happy with Sarah at all, a lot of officers have been saying she is work shy and just never did any real work... which unfortunately I can see that coming through.
But that makes all the pressure pile up on me. And Iām not over my phobia ofĀ ānoā yet.
Had a weird dream that involved his past mother. It was sad.Ā Sometimes I miss her but she has shown less than zero interest in contacting me
Lesley and I had a hard chat today
Iām having a hard time now, we are getting into some tough stuff and she is staring me down and tells me how it is.Ā The stupid thing is that I know how it is but Iām so fucking stupid that I canāt control it.
Lesley was very blunt yesterday and it was a very hard session.
I have to sit down with you and have an honest conversation but I explained to her that you might lie and thatās what Iām scared of.
We need to work out what else is scaring me.Ā
She says I shouldnāt be treated like this and Iām worth more and all this but like...girl whereās your proof?
How do I know what Iām worth after the repeated patterns in my life.Ā From my Dad, to Mumās boyfriends, to school friends, to employers, to you - all I know is that people treat me bad and Iām only ever there when they need not when I need.Ā Yes, I know Iām not being treated well but itās all I know.Ā
This is a hard cycle to break, how am I meant to find self worth and all that shit when the one person I thought was going to treat me well is doing what everyone else has done? My mind is stuck completely and Iāve no idea how to break free.Ā Ā
And also, I donāt even know what breaking free involves.Ā She says it is ok to be scared and to not want to take action and not want this to end but I have to sit with you and find out if I can carry on like this.
