What I’m about to share has been carefully examined, and discussed with people I trust.
I’ve never thought much about spiritual warfare. I brushed it off as insignificant, no more than a reminder of the sinful world we live in. The first time I considered the concept of spiritual warfare was after I read C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters. It was a book that presented it so vividly, with a touch of logic and psychological reason behind this fight within us.
But it didn’t become true knowledge until my pastor at GLMC spoke on the armor of God, and Satan’s attack on Christ’s followers. This truth hit me hard. I began to see all the lies coming from Satan, and how often I blamed God, others, or even myself for the distress and confusion in my life. I learned that Satan HATED me. But through exhortation, I began to see the power to conquer in spiritual battle.
That series of sermons was about six months ago. It’s amazing what one can forget in that amount of time.
This is my story about spiritual warfare. It is recent, it is real, and it is honest. It is for the purpose of encouraging you to discern and fight against Satan’s tactics.
Through January and February, I was getting over feelings for a girl. Relationship issues have always been the raw, weak, chink in my armor. Throughout college, I’ve seen myself fall a countless number of times to this idolatry. But this time was different. This time, I had a mission to remain clear minded, to not put my desires above God. For this episode, I was in a position where I had to let it go. I won’t explain why, but it was necessary. It was hard. But thankfully, through intensive cycles of accountability, I overcame this obstacle. And in the highlighted moments, I saw that God has used and blessed me greatly through my singleness.
I’d say it was mid-March that I found my way out of that loop. And the past month or so has been an encouraging mix of uninterrupted fellowship and personal growth.
On April 12th, UC Irvine hosted the annual AACF United, where thirteen campuses from all over California (plus University of Washington) gathered for an evening of fellowship and worship. Being the worship coordinator for Irvine, I was blessed with the privilege of leading a praise team for the night. The whole day of preparation was such an incredible experience. My love for the people grew so much, and my desire to serve increased as well.
I think I can epitomize how my heart felt through what I saw standing on that stage. Seeing so many faces crying out in worship, hearing the loudest singing of praise, was truly a moment of a lifetime. Leading a body of nearly five hundred people into a powerful time of praise was extremely humbling as I saw so clearly the Spirit working in the congregation. I felt like I saw Christ. I felt like I saw a glimpse of heaven.
United was such an amazing, encouraging night. The relationships I built, and the ones I caught up on, all built me up. April 12th, 2014 will go down as “one of those nights.”
I got home very late, still feeling very joyful. After spending some time reflecting over the night, I texted my discipler. I shared about how I loved being single at this time of life, for I felt I was able to serve and enjoy these kinds of moments so fully. I went to sleep feeling so blessed.
A story is never a story without conflict.
I had a dream. I was in my car with the girl I had liked. We sit there in the quiet. She knows that I had liked her. She knows how I felt, and how much I wanted to start something that I was so keen on. But she wants me to say it, though she is not in a position to even entertain the possibility. She sits, waiting, hearing my mumbles. I finally get the point across that I truly did like her, that it was real.
She turns her head away, looking forward, and said “I wish you told me earlier.”
I woke up.
Never had I felt so confused about what I was feeling. Never have I felt the rush of a million old emotions fill me up in a single moment. It’s like I was running full speed into a brick being thrown at me.
The 13th and 14th were days of being completely lost. It was as if someone took out my chip and reprogrammed me. It all happened too fast. I messaged my accountability group, and their words let me know that they were there for me. I just wanted to get over it, but was so confused about why I was even at this place. I could either believe that God was trying to tell me to pursue her, or I could start blaming God for all the painful, related times, including this one. Or I could even see it as something deep in my psyche. I don’t know.
The 14th came around, and I grabbed lunch with a good friend. I got to share my almost ridiculous “inception”-like situation, and I was really blessed with our time. But I got home, and just felt so insignificant. I was sad and angry, and I badly wanted to just drink a beer to chill out a bit. And I did. It really wasn’t much, but with the mixture of substance, impure sin, distractions, I took my mind away from my situation. But really only for a moment.
I went to sleep, and woke up in time to go to my AACF leaders meeting. As I got up and started walking to my car, everything became clear to me. I was under heavy attack by Satan. Maybe it was the prayers of my friends, but God brought back the knowledge of spiritual warfare back into the forefront, and I saw this entire plot unfold.
My pastor had talked about how Satan attacks us when we’re at our spiritually greatest. Positions of leadership are almost destined to face the evil one, especially when the gospel is preached.
On the night of the 12th, I led the largest worship set of my life. I looked into a sea of five hundred people and saw that God used my team and me as an instrument for His glory. The entire night of United really felt like a revival.
I concluded that Satan attacked me because of this.
As I was walking to my meeting, I began to contrast that current state of feeling so depressed and seeking every sort of distraction, with the state whose desire was to lead God’s people into worshiping Him. How did all of that happen in such short time? God revealed to me that the dream was not of Him. I believe that Satan used the dream to break me down when I was empowered by God. Satan knew my greatest weakness, and used the dream because he knew I would stumble. All the emotions would rush back, and I would be idolizing the girl and relationships once again. And in my sadness, he knew I would turn to any form of distraction or sin to be numb.
I thought deeply about these things, and I prayed a simple prayer for help. Oddly enough, in that moment, everything left me. It was as if I had solved some puzzle, leaving me the golden prize at the end. It felt like I rebooted my system. It felt like some heavy spirit had left me. It was so bizarre.
I brought it up to my accountability group and friend. I shared these thoughts, and I asked for their opinion. Was I crazy? Had I watched too many horror films? But after hearing me out, they all agreed that only Satan would do such a thing. One friend reminded me that only a few days ago I was sharing how well I was doing in terms of my perception of relationships. The dream and emotions really came out of the nowhere, and in such a harmful fashion.
God knows that my weakness. He has taught me very explicitly in the past, and I’ve learned to not be as driven by my emotions. I was wrong to think God wanted to me to pursue again, because every party (God, Satan and I) knows that I would turn from Him if presented with those feelings again. And that is when it hit me. Only Satan benefits from reviving these old emotions about this girl. How crafty he is to give me a dream about her the night of.
I believe God allowed this to happen so that I could remember the war I’m fighting. The war we’re ALL fighting. I’m so thankful for the support I have in my life. I was able to conquer this attack, but I know it won’t stop there.
I hope this long post shines light onto the schemes of Satan. He is real. He is crafty. But we know this, and we can fight knowing our God is GOOD. Sin, death and Satan have no grasp over us. Christ has reign in our lives. What a power we have.
The feeling of failure. The feeling of sitting on the edge before jumping. Completely hopeless. Everything lies as a reminder of how every little small mistake will come back and rip your face off. My belief currently is that everything at the end will be a burning fire in the woods. I hate my situation. I hate my faith's state, my lack of trust. I hate feeling so engulfed in my own failures. I hate replaying every single mistake I've made in my life and wondering if I could somehow reverse it. Throughout my life, no one has ever regarded me as the happiest guy they know. Or even a happy guy at all. I've immersed myself into pessimism, an almost sarcastic, satirical living. I think I've dug myself into that hole again. Once again Im known as a negative pessimist who cannot find joy. I thought I won that fight. I guess not. Maybe I love the miserable. Maybe I enjoy seeing life as this bleak and stupid place. Maybe I'm coping to find any sort of emotion, because the lack of even negativity will mean that I am completely empty. I feel like I'm not finding help from anyone with this right now. Everyone is too happy or hopeful. They tell me to focus on the good, but I don't think that's my problem. Im very able see so many great things in my life, but to have eternal perspective of joy is what's slipping from my grasp. How do I overcome this? I have to find out why I'm so negative and hopeless. Why does the gospel impact me only when I think about other people? Why is it that I cannot believe the gospel to change me anymore? Have I given up hope that God will bless me? At times I honestly wonder how long I have to wait for God to answer back. It's getting harder these days for sure. Harder to find strength and hope in him, because there is so little change in my life, convincing me that I could have done everything on my own. Convincing me that meaning doesn't really exist in this world, thus causing me to find failure in all aspects of my life. And again, we're at square one. I guess this is what Christ died for: this never ending cycle of sin in our lives; the never ending cries of hopelessness. Something please change, for my sanity's sake.
I love how my upload app causes me to appear as if I'm swimming in the ocean..hah...
Anyways, it's been a while since I've written. I'm setting time aside to make that change!
This song is written in full knowledge of trial and refinement, of confusion and hopelessness. Deepest words and melodies seem to come in those very moments.
A million miles an hour, but nowhere to go to
Running away from some burdens, I’ve placed myself onto
A million dollars in my pocket, but not a soul to love with
I'm up and down like waves in the passing, would even sand remember?
I don’t know where I'm going, all I know is, I'm here
I wish the stars would point me to where destiny lay
This shell of my old self seems wandering to my grave
If only you would reach out grab my hand and save the day
A million thoughts are brewing, yet there's nothing to say
I shut my eyes to avoid it, but I still remember clearly
A million years and I’m still counting, waiting for someone to show
She walks by, a shadow mere passing, she caught me sleeping
Father, I am a sinner. Although you have died to save me, I keep returning to the flesh, the earthly desires. I am returning to the very thing you have saved me from. Satan wants me to believe that I am in sin due to my powerlessness. But he cannot stop me from believing in your great strength: the power of Christ Jesus that lives in me. I have overcome sin through you, oh Lord. This great power can help me proclaim your love and your grace to the world. This power can destroy the chains of lust and provide me purity in thought and action. It can cause me to love sacrificially without fear of no reward. Father, your love shines bright. Indeed Lord, if you are the sun, then I want to be the moon. I want to reflect the light that shines from you. Amen
At the Bottom of the Stairs: Gong Er from The Grandmaster
-This post isn’t exactly bright. Nor does it have a conclusive end. AND it has some spoilers to the movie The Grandmaster.
I’m like Gong Er. She came from a well statured background, with a set of skills and a firm tenacity for excellence. Her martial art was phenomenal, and her poise irrefutable. In a mix of extreme familial conflicts, tragedy strikes, driving her heart to a route for vengeance. And upon this route, her honor is restored, but her purpose in life seems as shattered as ever. In the wake of injury and destitute, Gong Er grows into an opium addiction, and her life dwindled down into a scene where she sits with Ip Man, and admits her unashamed love for him. But in that scene, what greatly displayed her despair was her complete willingness to leave and forgo the life she had built up, with a keen desire to somehow just “go home.”
In many periods of my life, I see her life within me. I’ve seen myself grow to become great at what I do, and proud of what it has brought me. I’ve seen the trials and lessons as steps towards a greater outcome. I’ve felt strong.
But life is never without turbulence. Life does not exist without the fear of existing without it. Yet the hope within life is indeed to continue the steps to a greater outcome. But it may not end that way.
Unnamed events in my life constitute as a progression of stages. Some are simpler than others to move past. Some seem to leave troubling scars.
Although I am young, I often wonder if I’ve truly moved past everything.
As I examine my own life, I question if the scars are indeed real, and whether the turbulent winds of life actually have power over me. And just like Gong Er, I often seek to find some sort of honor, some form of repayment. For me, it has always been to translate painful experiences into a theoretical “fate,” one which is ultimately good, despite the appearance of harm. This has allowed me to build myself up, taking bigger steps towards that greater outcome.
But some things in life remind us of how terrible things can get. Some things can preach to us a message of self hatred. Some things can point us back to those “growing” experiences in mockery, calling us fools for believing “all is for good.” What once was a thriving hope for betterment becomes a push to stumble down the stairs we climbed.
And in that event, I find myself at the bottom, looking up at these stairs, wondering how I had ever climbed them. I look up and I wonder why I had fallen. In that moment, hope turns to despair, and joy turns to sullenness. Love turns to confusion, and pride turns to a firm refusal to continue. It is this moment, where I flee into temptations, and find any form of pleasure that will not bring temporary emotional harm. The man I sought to build and become has rusted into a mold of what I cannot bear to see. It becomes easy to admit your love through your feelings. Your desires venture into a land once forbidden. Into a land that seems free to roam this day. Everything grows loose, and your mind is too weak to keep its stature.
Everything crumbles. Everything loses meaning.
I tell this dark tale not to paint a hopeless picture for you or for me. I must be honest in saying that I am in such a stage where my mind draws clear connections to Gong Er’s story. But I tell this tale to somehow remind myself that those steps will always be there. I will have to climb.
The photo is an accidental shot during a shoot for "I've Not Forgotten." In light of all that's been up, I can only appreciate the past and dream big for the future.
This summer, I’ve been working on producing my newest release, a worship album called “I’ve Not Forgotten.” Just about all my efforts have been focused on this project, and I’m happy to say that it is just about done. With the help of friends and support, I’ve been very blessed by this process. Although it is no small deal for me, and despite my own excitement for the release, I don’t really want to talk about it.
Few things I just wanna share about:
1) I hate the promotion process
2) I’m drained
Promotion
The end of every CD making adventure is marked with promotion. After I finish all the music, I’m stuck with the job of convincing people that this is indeed a work of art, that it will be money well spent. I'm gonna be honest. I absolutely hate this process.
I hate the direct ways it affects me. I know I appear as if I’m trying to bug people about some product, or trying to plead with people for their attention and money. It’s pathetic and shameful. And as an artist, I hate that. So much. I feel like I'm selling out, ultimately rendering everything leading up to the music’s completion obsolete in light of such actions and mentality. It really does make me question where I stand: do I do this out of love for music, or love for attention? Do I do it out of gratitude towards God, or out of social desires?
But I also hate how it indirectly affects me. When I don’t get the response I predict or desire, I grow extremely prideful instead of sorrowful. I put other people’s creative intellect much below my own, and “excuse” them for their ignorance. This doesn’t sound like me does it? This promotion process really brings out the worst in me. I hate it.
There are honestly quite a few more things I hate about it, but I think I will leave it at that.
Drained
All of these things drain me. Not only through promotion, but by this entire journey. It has been taking a hard toll on me. Writing the music was not hard because many of the songs were written years earlier. However, the rendering of a new vision was a huge task. And obviously, recording, editing and mixing grows tiring.
I may dive deeper into my music’s own history, but I’ll just take a few points. This is my sixth album/release. I started writing music and recording in seventh grade. Just about every album has not only replicated a part of me, but has definitely taken a part as well.
What does that mean? Well, I think I can only describe it as a relationship. You build it up and put effort into being great friends and whatnot, but there are times when you really question it’s worth. You ask yourself if you should be less tenacious with it, and just take a few steps back.
For me, I was lucky to have such a high tenacity early on, so I was not afraid to go forward. It’s got me here, and I (amongst others) can testify that it’s been a long, long way since the first recorded note.
Every time I listen to my own music, I am reminded of how much has been placed in my hands, both by my experiences and by God. Those experiences and gifts make me value things like music so much more. However, it also stirs doubt in my heart on this entire relationship: is it all worth going through? Yes, I love writing music, but is it really worth the strain?
Luckily, I don’t think about these things until it’s too late to turn back! I know this has, is, and will be something God has put in my life. I’m grateful and humbled, and I’m ambitious and ready.
This album is on its way, and I have already seen God’s blessing in my life through it. Whether it be by my own growth in music producing, or through the amazing relationships that have been built through it. I know things will be good.
Although I am drained from the months put into this album, I am happy and truly believe that God will work wonders through His music.
Once the album is released, anxiety shall also release, and things will hopefully return to normal!
Look out for the album soon, but also look out for more posts as well!
"I've Not Forgotten"
Coming soon in September!
Like this page for previews, artwork, and release information!
Keep a look out for more, and share with friends!
Photo and artwork by Timothy Lam
I feel like I've been inflamed with these horrible moods a lot recently. Tiredness, isolation, circumstance, it all boils in me, and each little thing that pisses me off sends me even deeper.
Overall, I'm good. Honestly. But sometimes certain things are such a pain in the ass to deal with:
It drives me crazy when people can't show the respect to do their part even minimally. It's as if they just look at the option of trying and look away immediately, not giving a shit because they know it won't bounce back onto them. I find myself trying twice as much and willing to do way more than most people, most friends. Yeah, sure maybe its personality and the way they were raised, but I don't give a fuck. There are so many little things that you can put out there, but it's become so rare for people to go out of their way to do them, let alone do more.
I'm home alone for a week, my dog isn't home, all my close friends are at their respective schools, my only close friend was out of town this weekend. I got time to myself. Hated it. I don't mean I don't enjoy time alone, but I'm one who feeds off of my social life. I'm not dependent on it, but it really keeps me happy and feeling sane. I guess I'm an extrovert that way. I just hate how it feels to be isolated like this. Especially going to church without anyone close to hangout or eat with. I just end up going home right after the message, instead of going to eat and hanging out for hours after.
I know, I know this is momentary. But I want those who read this, including myself, to remember how prone to circumstance I can get, and how much I want things to go at least smoothly. Tomorrow probably will be different, but these thoughts are true. They are honest.
God must be in control right now, cause I sure feel like I'm not. God's given me so many experiences to learn from. Whether it be massive emotional traumas or small shits like these. God is in control. I am out of control. LOL. God help me.
God, help me to love the people I feel don't deserve attention, let alone love. Help me not only forgive them, but show them my love through action despite their shortcomings. Help me to hold fast to Your love, rather than my own physical and emotional energy. Help me be completely dependent on You, not on the circumstances that surround me.
I recently decided to watch Game 6 of the NBA finals because I had missed it.
This is the (in)famous game where the Heat came back from being down 10 and where Ray Allen hit a ridiculous three pointer to force overtime. It was in essence the game that decided the fate of both Spurs and Heat. A fate that favored Miami greatly.
As I watched the game, I continued to look forward to the very last shot of regulation. I had known that the Spurs were leading before Miami made their run, so watching the first 36 minutes almost felt obsolete. I just wanted to see how San Antonio screwed up, and top it off with the miraculous shot by Ray Allen.
I knew how it was going to end. But not only did I know Miami would win Game 6, I knew they would take home the championship.
So my experience of watching wasn’t so much one of excitement and anticipation, but was rather one of observation and haste. I was waiting for the end, while also enjoying the crafty, elite play of both teams (and bad plays as well).
After I finished, I began to see something peculiar with this way of watching basketball. And through my experience, I began to draw connections to our Christian Faith.
We as Christians know how it’s gonna end. I'm not gonna explain it more than “Jesus is coming back.” And I truly do believe most of you believe this. I think the beauty in it is that we don’t really have an excuse to be afraid of the future (although it is clear we often are). Knowing that Jesus is coming back allows you to go through life seeing things with a purpose. Similarly, watching all of Manu Ginobili’s ill-advised shots and turnovers meant more in the moment with their coming defeat in mind.
But you know what the craziest thing is? I always forget that Christ is returning. It’s as if I’m going through the game having hope for the Spurs.
I’m not trying to be someone who keeps cutting things in life in order to “wait” for the end. I honestly think that’s so unhealthy. 1 Peter 4 goes on a pretty profound message that tells the church to hold fast to their faith and continue doing God’s will. Because it’s somehow easier right? No, he says:
The end is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you pray v. 7
The reason for having a heart and mind for God is because God is going to win Game 7.
I know this is such a stretch of an analogy, but I think it really does shine light on how we live our lives. Do have the hope in us that Christ is returning? That He died for us so we could be set free from death? Peter calls the church to:
“Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have” (1 Peter 3:15).
I must ask myself if my heart is filled with the hope of the gospel. If my life is one of faith, and has a purpose that reflects what is certain to come. I think we all can’t say we do. I often live as if the Spurs might pull away with a win. As if my actions apart from God will somehow follow me into the next life.
For someone who isn’t a fan of the Heat, I really wanted to see Ray Allen’s shot bounce in and out, giving the Spurs the title. But I know that isn’t the case. I know what happens.
Luckily, for us Christians, we ARE “fans” of Christ. And knowing that He has and will be victorious should be enough for us to live in light of that.
This past weekend, my home church had its annual summer retreat. The theme was "Prone to Wander." We talked about what it meant to wander in light of our sin, and also examined what it meant to be found by God and saved from our aimless wandering.
You know, ever since I first truly accepted Christ, I've always held dear the idea of a home somewhere else. I've written many songs with lyrics calling upon this home apart from earth, a place where we are not and cannot experience now. But not until recently have I really felt the struggles of feeling so far from home.
This is the first summer retreat that I had gone to in about three years; I had gone every year before that. Each summer was held with the same expectations and experiences, defining a tradition that attributed to my home church. I must say, going back after three years (and having been going to college two), I saw so few remnants of home. To say the least, I wasn’t really comfortable.
What once defined my stability for social and spiritual needs has become like a fossil: an object still holding interest, but no longer real or purposeful.
I saw more divisions among brothers and sisters, younger youth now grow up in a culture that so differs from my own. And oddly enough, the older bunch that I had once looked up to is now just an older version of what I am in the process of becoming.
Basically I have changed. I’ve been moving in a direction completely opposite of where my home church is headed.
So that means college/Irvine is home right? Maybe. But I’ve recently seen and accepted that nothing is ever perfect there either.
My close friends from freshman year really defined the joys of college. I could depend on them to be like a foundation for me in times of distress and loneliness. But during sophomore year of college, something changed. We all moved out of our dorms, and our schedules grew tighter. I guess it was inevitable, but I hate to say that group is nothing close to what it once was. And although we keep saying that we are still such great friends, we no longer possess the qualities of friendship, let alone "close friends.”
Yeah, it’s very sad. I often talk about it with the ones I see more often, and we really do try to make things right. But efforts always fall short, and I'm always reminded again that nothing is ever perfect.
I can’t say that's really home.
This past sophomore year was quite a wild adventure. Through it all, the one foundation that has been a huge blessing and encouragement as I went through discouraging times in my faith was AACF. In a time of anger and hard heartedness, I was unwilling to look God. But through His grace and careful planning, I grew to see His work through my difficult times. Through AACF, a group I was growing distant from, I found people who supported me and showed me the love I needed during my recovery. I was able to get a glimpse of brothers and sisters worshiping together, loving each other in a truly Christ centered way: sacrificing with undivided compassion. I'm so thankful for that.
But is it all perfect? Do I feel like I gel and fit in like destiny? I’m really not sure. I’m not here to say anything negative about this group AT ALL because that is not what I believe. What I am saying is that in my own experience, included with who I am, I don't feel perfectly at home in AACF either.
I know I’ve got a unique personality that almost seems to turn away from fitting in. Honestly, sometimes I don't even know what I want! It does make it harder to feel completely comfortable. I’ve grown close to several brothers and sisters, but despite the amazing times of encouragement, there’s never that perfect peace of home in this body.
How about home itself? I am an only child, and many of you have already heard my thoughts about this. Family has never been a pressing desire in my heart. Yeah, it may be cultural differences, it may be the way I was raised, but all I know is that I have grown so independent that “family” doesn't hold its own definition anymore. Home isn't the perfect home I desire.
This post might seem extremely depressing and pessimistic. But this is why I write: not just to rant about shit in my life, but to tell you that I truly believe that God has been revealing so many of these things to me in such heavy manner in order to show me how the world and my "home" is so easily shattered. Whether it be my home church, in Irvine, or with my family, I’ll never feel content because my heart knows that there's got to be more. There is something greater than what is at hand.
Hebrews 11 goes through many figures of the Bible, describing each to have accomplished great feats through God's power and provision. But in verse 13-15, God makes it clear to us that these individuals grew to a mindset that looked towards something beyond what they lived in:
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things they promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
They looked to city not built by human hands, not filled with imperfections, but perfect and provided by God.
With all these imperfections in my own life, with all these broken relationships, I find myself wondering if things will get better. But I think God makes it very clear that things in this temporary "home" may never get better. Nothing here will truly ever be perfect.
But what is very clear is that through faith in Christ, through faith in knowing God has provided a great city for us, we can live in peace, looking to that day. For on that day, we will finally be in that city: a perfect one that we can call home.
I was working with a scalpel today, cutting parts on circuit boards. As the blade grew more dull, it became increasingly difficult to do the task.
As I grew more frustrated, I began stabbing and fidgeting the scalpel into the board, trying to pry out wires.
All of the sudden the tip broke off, leaving a blade with a flat top.
Damn. That sucks.
But I continued with the same blade and tried to dig out the prize. To my surprise, the wire came up extremely easily due to the broken, sharper point. I was able to cut out the wire even faster than I originally did with a sharp scalpel.
Sometimes I feel like the scalpel. Unable to do my job as the wear and tear of life breaks me down.
But in my brokenness, God uses me. In my brokenness, I am no longer my own man, my own image. God, through His sufficient grace, takes me in my broken self to become sharper and stronger than I had ever been before.
Every one of us loves to be perfect. In our own way and time, we motivate ourselves into the leaps necessary to get there. And there's a little guy inside each of us that wants so badly to make up for wrongs to make a right.
I've recently been slowly reading through Hebrews with a heart to really see what change and actions the author desired for the reader. I began to notice many parallel analogies used in order to convey specific messages. One that stuck out was in Hebrews 10:1.
The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming-not the realities themselves.
The phrase "a shadow of" is widely used to describe a foreshadowing, or to some extent, a preview. And in this context, it makes total sense. But through some reflection, I began to see that the analogy of "a shadow" had quite a powerful imagery.
Continuing on in Hebrews 10, you read a description of the never ending and routine nature of the old sacrifices of the Law. What jumped at me was that these routines were "an annual reminder of sins." And with relation to verse 4, which states that "it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins," I grew amazed at how the Law held such high authority and influence over Israel.
Why the hell did the people keep doing this? Why do something "in the shadow" when it is technically...ineffective?
Verse 8 says:
Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them (although the law required them to be made)
They tried to be perfect, and through sacrifice, they tried to be holy before the Lord. It wasn't something they wanted to do. Yet through it all, they could only achieve the "shadow" of perfection, of holiness.
This is why their continual sacrificing amazes me so much: their faith was strong enough during a "shadow," and despite their physical efforts being practically and spiritually useless, they worshiped and looked towards what that shadow represented.
Verse 12:
But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God.
The shadow points to Jesus.
Verse 13 and 14:
Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.
Verse 14 is pretty amazing. It basically says that all that "shadow" stuff wasn't for nothing. Yes, the sacrifices of bulls and goats was indeed in itself not effective nor perfect. But Christ's death was.
His sacrifice makes perfect those who are being sanctified, those who are earnestly living and (at that time) practicing His Law. It was Christ who made them holy and righteous, not by their own efforts. And definitely not their bulls.
In a sense, the "shadow" was Christ's shadow. And when He finally came down, His people no longer dwelt in a mere shadow of holiness and sacrifice. We are now sons to our King.
And last but not least, verse 15-18 writes:
The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says: “This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds.” Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.
How beautiful is that? His Law is in our hearts. We are both set free from it and redeemed by the fulfillment of it.
"Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." That is our assurance in Christ. His sacrifice is true and perfect.
The shadow pointed to Him. But now, through His Grace, we live with Him.
Deep inside there’s a broken heart astray
All my life, the black and white fade to gray
Day and night, there’s no peace to calm this mind
God on high, come mend this broken life
Look up to the sky, into the blue sea
Find where you are in this great mystery
Open your arms to the Saving King, forever
Beautiful, beautiful Savior, You’re dying on a Cross
Dying and bleeding You hang there, God’s perfect gift of Love
Jesus Messiah Redeemer, Your blood has washed me clean
Beautiful Grace has freed me, a son of Christ the King
All these things, the lusts of sinful men
Come not from You, but from the world of sin
The dark will cease, and the world will pass away
The Light will come, praise the God on high
I know I’m broken
I know I’m like dirty rags
But Your love has saved me
And brings me back to Your Cross
I wrote earlier that Christ has called to live sacrificially, that His sacrificial death doesn't necessarily call us to die as He did, but to live in light of His love for us.
Shit. I've never felt a stronger desire for God to just take my life in order for my unsaved loved ones to come to Christ.
I'm weary, I'm broken, I'm at wits end. Efforts fall flat, circumstance fall against me. Things never go right, and I am so powerless through it all.
I know God will be doing some crazy stuff in time. But damn, I think we all know how hard patiently waiting is.
I'm so tired of trying and trying with no avail. In the moment, in distress, I hold onto that desire for a sacrificial death. I so want to give up.
I know its a fight. The race ain't short at all. But all of it's depressing and heartbreaking as fuck.
All we can do is pray. All we can do is shine our lights. I gotta remember that.
Everyone wants to be remembered. Each person wants to leave an imprint on someone in order to have some sort of “legacy.” I admit I often feel that way as well.
Whenever I think about my loved ones, especially those who are not saved, I come up with all these ideas about how I could affect them or show them their true value in some significant way. The most recent desire for me is, I must say, strange.
I’ve thought about the possibility of having a premature death as a medium to touch the hearts of those close to me, and for nonbelievers, to show them God’s love and provision. Not that I would kill myself, but that if indeed I die, I may have certain things ready to share in order to somehow point to God.
Basically, I would take one for the team. I would die a death of sacrifice in order for those who are unsaved to come to Christ, or at least truly question their own eternal fate.
To be honest, that would be a tight way to go. I even thought about writing up a will, or some emergency letter addressed to certain people. If my death could be used like a seed and tool for God to save many more, that would be amazing.
I seriously thought about this for quite some time. That was my desire. I don’t know when or what it was, if it was actually because of LTC or not, but God told me that it most likely isn't the plan.
See, dying isn’t that hard, especially if you are confident in your salvation. What's really hard is having that sacrificial mindset while you are still living. God put this on my heart:
The cross does not call us to die sacrificial deaths, but to live sacrificial lives.
The entire book of Philippians captures the walk of a Christian, characterizing it as one with hardship and immense sacrifice. Paul writes “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain," and within the context of that passage, we see a man who knows that the path ahead would be difficult and that dying a sacrificial death would be easier. But he goes on to say that God’s work in his own life is to live and serve, to do God’s work and living each day like an offering, a sacrifice.
No doubt this is easier said than done. In fact, it’s extremely difficult to just even envision what it looks like today in each of our own contexts. But one thing I understand above all: I must see this life as a tool to be used by God. I am living because He wants me to be alive in order to do His work.
In my own life right now, it means serving.
Serving as the worship coordinator next year in AACF will require quite a bit of sacrifice. Sacrifice of time, of energy, of comfort. It’s a task that will give much joy, but with much work.
Serving my brothers and sisters whenever they need help will not be easy. Sometimes I just want to stay in my own sphere and ignore the people I don’t naturally want to be with. But if Christ’s love is truly great, I ought to be willing to help those who need it, whether the task is small or large.
Serving my non-Christian friends will be tiring, as it seems my efforts fall short every single time. But if I understand how suffering can produce joy, I should be overjoyed that God is working and using me to speak His words. All I can do is shine my light and trust God.
Sacrifice is such a difficult term to cling to. It calls us to do things we don’t want to do. But Christ sacrificed. And I think that is what we should cling to for encouragement as we live a life of daily sacrifice.
Dying a sacrificial death would probably produce some kind of “legend.” You would probably be remembered pretty well, especially by those whom you are close to. Maybe that’s what God has in store for you. Maybe. But what is completely certain is that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross is calling us to live sacrificially every day. And even in our failure, we can look to that cross, for the beautiful thing rests upon His sacrifice that has given us grace. You know what that says to me? We will be remembered. Our legacy, our story is important to God. What else matters?
