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@jewishconvertthings
So, some sad news: my spouse and I have parted ways. I had hoped this would be a new era for us — and I suppose it is — but certainly not in the way I'd hoped.
That said, this does mean that I may finally be able to reconvert orthodox, so there is a silver lining to an otherwise devastating development in my personal life. I have not decided yet for sure, but I am going to look into it again and ideally start the studying process if nothing else.
Hello lovely friends, it's been awhile and there have been a ton of changes in my life, but um. A really important one has been happening over the few months and I need to talk about it somewhere....
So fun fact for those keeping track at home and remember the struggles and wrestlings I have had with being de facto intermarried because my spouse did not convert with me:
Guess who's converting now?
And not because I asked, or pushed, or pulled. There have been other relationship struggles, but this is something else; he is finally having a real spiritual experience for the first time, and I've gotten to watch him fall in love with Judaism in real time, and chaverim?
It means so so much to me. It's given me the chance to fall in love with Judaism all over again with him, and in so doing, fall in love with him all over again like we did when we were first together.
One of the first parts of the service he really keyed in on and was moved by was when we sing Etz Chayim during the service for returning the Torah, and it actually just occurred to me that in a way, this is something of an answer to that prayer for both of us, in an unexpected way (as blessings often are.) Chadeish yameinu k'kedem, indeed.
Hello lovely friends, it's been awhile and there have been a ton of changes in my life, but um. A really important one has been happening over the few months and I need to talk about it somewhere....
So fun fact for those keeping track at home and remember the struggles and wrestlings I have had with being de facto intermarried because my spouse did not convert with me:
Guess who's converting now?
And not because I asked, or pushed, or pulled. There have been other relationship struggles, but this is something else; he is finally having a real spiritual experience for the first time, and I've gotten to watch him fall in love with Judaism in real time, and chaverim?
It means so so much to me. It's given me the chance to fall in love with Judaism all over again with him, and in so doing, fall in love with him all over again like we did when we were first together.
Chag erev Shavuot sameach to klal Yisrael but especially to the conversion students and recent gerim - you chose this life at perhaps the most difficult moment in recent memory, and your ahavat Yisrael and new energy and fresh eyes and open hearts and strength are such an important and vibrant part of our people. You are truly following in the footsteps of Ruth Imeinu and I have every faith you will be an integral part of geulah. I hope you have a wonderful and safe holiday, and that your community recognizes how much of a blessing you are!
חג שבועות שמח!
Genuinely curious- did the Isaiah passages used to describe Jesus fuck you up too? I'm questioning my faith and I just keep going to that passage. And the fact that home boy did not actually fulfill prophecies. No Israel. No mention of the second coming in the OT. I feel like I've been lied to my whole Christian life.
I was never Christian so this isn't something I can answer. May I suggest @shalom-iamcominghome as a better person to ask?
This wasn't my specific hang-up, because I had not been Christian for years by the time I knew enough about Judaism to realize this. On the other hand, it certainly helped me be less afraid to walk away from it forever!
To be a ger is to be always a foreigner everywhere you go.
"Ger" literally speaking, meant "foreigner" or "stranger" before it ever meant "convert," and in some texts still means that. Famously the Jewish people is described as being "gerim" in the land of Egypt. Does that mean we were converts in Egypt? No. We were foreigners - strangers whose rights were easily taken away and oppressed, and this is why we are commanded to be kind to foreigners. But there is the rabbinic double meaning of "convert," and the Jewish people is commanded to love converts as well.
But I would argue that there is an element of foreigness to our conversions as well. We are always in some ways immigrants to Am Yisrael. For some of us that may simply have been the experience of it being a paperwork issue, and culturally you have always been at home here.
But for many gerim, we come from outside. We come for any number of reasons, finding our way here through the intuition of our neshama, by chance or by luck, by family or friendship, by allyship, by exposure to Torah or exposure to the Shechinah - or any combination of the above and more.
But we come to the Jewish people asking for shelter and connection. Some of us come with a whole pedigree of Jewish studies and deep prior connections, and some of us come as refugees from other faiths and cultures, with nothing but the spiritual shirt on our backs and dreams of a better future.
And over time, we assimilate. We readily learn the culture and the language and the customs. We learn to cook the food and to follow the laws. We change our clothes to fit with our community and we move to the neighborhood where the other Jews live so we can walk to shul. We reshape ourselves into yiddishkeit and work hard to naturalize.
And eventually we do! We become part of the fabric of the Jewish people forever - having changed our whole lives and changing the shape of the Jewish people in turn. But our roots always lead back to this process. That's not a bad thing or a lack of authenticity - just take a look at the stories of naturalized citizens and you'll see the pride and strength they bring to their new nation. Even so, we are, and always will be, foreign immigrants to this community. Our Hebrew will always have an accent. Our background will lack many of the early milestones that other Jews experience. Our stories and relationships to our families will always be different. You will feel that sometimes. That's okay! That's normal, even years later.
What caught me a bit off-guard, though, is how much part of being a Jew in the diaspora is to always, in some way, be a foreigner also. It seems obvious enough, right? But I had never fully connected that feeling of foreigness from my conversion in to the perpetual foreigness of Jewishness that takes root from our conversion out.
Because once you leave, once you change your culture, you become an outsider and a foreigner to the dominant non-Jewish culture around you. You sound different. You dress different. People perceive you differently and you in turn react differently. You have changed your culture, and in so doing, become a cultural outsider.
There's a bit of ennui to it sometimes, I've found, of always being on the periphery. We are joining, have joined, a liminal people and yet are liminal people even within that people. This is nothing to do with active exclusion — many of us are lucky enough to have found ourselves ensconced in wonderfully welcoming communities that treat us as valued members of the tribe. Rather, it's much more just a practical reality of being a person who left behind one culture and assimilated into another. You can never fully sever your roots any more than you can rewrite the past, but you have also changed so deeply that to return would not be any more possible than returning to a past iteration of yourself. That person is gone, and you are new, and you have become something different, and you are from There and have come Here, and in so doing, a part of you will always be a ger, a traveler, a foreigner, a stranger, and the only thing you can do is embrace it.
What we mean by "home" is always so interesting, isn't it?
Hey! This is in regards to an old question you answered in December, where you shared the word “fellow travelers. “ Do you think that people who earnestly want to convert and are studying but are only able to access online versions of Jewish community can count ourselves as fellow travelers?  Even if we don’t have an IRL community to vouch for us or a personal Rabbi or any of that?
Hi anon,
Yes, of course! The phrase (at least the way I'm using it) is not a term of art with a highly specific legal/halachic meaning attached. It's actually meant to be very expansive and include all of the people who vibe with Judaism and feel closeness to the Jewish people without themselves being Jewish. Noachides, prospective gerim, people who dropped out of the conversion process but nevertheless are still members of their Jewish community, non-Jewish family members of Jews, strong allies who have put themselves out there for us — it's a catchall term to make sure that anyone who is connected to us in some significant way and should be included is included. It's meant to make sure no one gets left behind.
hi,
i'm not a ger. i was born Jewish, and that's... that
i just wanted to say, all the respect to y'all. you're such wonderful parts of the community and i'm so. incredibly impressed by you and just like yeah love y'all have a good day
🥰 Thank you, anon. We're glad to be here ❤️
The weight of a penny
What is the weight of a penny?
It was a penny in my pocket that taught me what it is to carry.
It's not just a schlep
It's walking to shul looking for all the world like a frum yid
Yet feeling the burning weight of the working world inside
Feeling the sanctity of Shabbat and tasting its sweetness
But with a tether to the chol
It is feeling the cage around your neshama as she tries to rise
And feeling that profound connection to the One
Yet always with a barrier between
A barrier made of what is and what could be
Oh, the goyim around you tried to tell you how the mitzvot are a spiritual prison
How the Covenant will hem you in, constrict your life, clip your wings, and cut you off from the pleasures of the world!
And you laughed
They have never felt as light as you did your first erev Shabbos after you emerged from the mikveh
And emptied your pockets
~~◇~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~◇~~
(This is a poem that was saved in my drafts here for ages that I decided to finish and share. It seemed to fit the bill of 'Jewish convert feels' which was the original premise of this blog)
what exactly would you call someone that has the desire to convert, but for one reason or another cannot go through the actual process to do so?
Hi anon,
There are a number of people in my Jewish community who are not Jewish and are either not able to or simply don't have plans to become Jewish, and they are still valued members of our community and mishpacha.
Some are gentile family members (non-Jewish spouses, step-siblings or step-parents, or supportive parents of gerim), some are Noachides, and some are simply folks who feel a strong affinity for our community.
My rabbi tends to call these folks "fellow travelers." They are gentiles, yes, but they are still part of our community.
I think for someone who can't convert but wishes to, the next closest step is being a Noachide and fellow traveler. I hope your circumstances change to allow you to follow your desire for a life of Torah, but in the meantime you can still honor Hashem through the Noachide laws.
You haven't posted in a while. I'm a new convert and just found you. I don't have anything to offer. I hope you are alright. I am grateful for the posts you already made that I get to read
Hi @shibarakudesu!
You're right, I have not been posting much. In fact, I've been slowing down significantly for years. However the antisemitic backlash to the 7/10 attack and the Israel-Hamas war to literally all Jews has been vile and has slowed me down even more.
I keep my anons on. I've always kept anon on, even when the first few anon asks I got back in 2017 when I started this blog were "allahu akbar 🧨🧨" and "converting TO Jew?? should we call you oven climbers or k*ke lovers?"
Yeah.
I deleted them without comment because they deserved none, but I remember vividly the pit I got in my stomach when I received them. I am not a person who forgets words or phrases easily and so the words have stayed lodged in my brain ever since. I just kept wondering how people could hate Jews so much that it spilled over onto people who were simply exploring Judaism. How could people have this much vitriol for Am Yisrael? I found out shortly after that about an incident from only a few years prior in 2014 where three non-Jews were shot by an antisemite for merely walking around outside a JCC and Jewish retirement facility. And then I understood: in every generation they will come for us.... and for anyone else among the nations that is brave enough to stand with us. By merely going to shul, I was making myself a target.
I was a very new conversion student at the time and this blog was simply a place for me to collect those specific feelings.
It became a lot more than that, in part because I chose to leave anon on anyway, and I vowed to use my words kindly. It is so easy to cause fear and pain in words and yet also so easy to bring comfort and warmth. You just have to choose your words carefully and listen to hakol mishamayim. If you pause and search your neshama, you will eventually find the right words. You will make mistakes; I certainly have. Own those mistakes and keep trying.
And I was deeply rewarded by the community that sprang up here in response! The hateful anons disappeared when they realized I wouldn't engage and instead my inbox was filled with kind, engaged people who were also excited about Judaism.
Like you. You say you don't have anything to offer, but you already gave me something quite valuable - your kind words.
This war has made me very tired, like most Jews. My heart is broken by every life that has been lost and geulah has never felt further away. To be this intentional in what I say and to always engage from a place of kindness, always searching for that spark of the Divine in everyone - it takes a lot of emotional energy and it forces me to be a better version of myself. And in these dark times I have found it very difficult to summon that version of myself.
I suppose I ought to try. But I cannot in good conscience promise to be consistently here.
Anon will stay on and I will respond as I am able. May we all see better days, and soon.
Honestly can I just say: all of y'all who are starting or continuing your conversions right now, even in these terrible times, and experiencing and embracing Jewish joy at a time when it is very hard to be Jewish? You are such a miracle and a blessing. There is a special kind of ahavat Yisrael - love for the Jewish people - that gerim bring to the table, and it's so life-giving always. But especially in dark times. Especially now.
May your light be a blessing on all of us!
I’m going to kabbalat shabbat for the first time ever tomorrow and I’m excited but also very very nervous
I'm so happy for you, anon!! I hope it's a great experience for you!
hi, this isn't a question so no pressure to read/respond to it, but i just wanted to give you an update on my situation. i sent an ask a few months ago because i was about to move to a country that doesn't speak english and i was having a lot of trouble finding an english speaking jewish community with which to begin my conversion process. i have moved, and i took your advice and reached out to a rabbi in my old city who was able to put me in contact with a rabbi he knew in the new city. turns out, there is a masorti synagogue that does do a lot in english, they just don't have much information online for security reasons. there are less than 2k jews in this country (eastern europe) so the security is intense, but i met with the rabbi and got approved to start attending services, and i talked to him about starting the conversion process! there isn't really a point to this ask and sorry for the length but i just wanted to share this with someone. i have wanted to become jewish for so long and it makes my heart so happy that i now have a jewish community and i am starting out on this path i feel so called to. thank you again for your advice, it was just the right thing to do! :)
Hi anon, THANK YOU for this update, it made my day!! <3
I'm so glad you're getting to pursue this spiritual journey and wish you all my best.
The amount of incredibly stupid and intentionally bad faith messages I have gotten after these posts is proving why I avoid this topic at all costs. This blog is a positive space and I will keep it that way. I will absolutely not be engaging with anyone on this at all. Save your breath and find something productive to do with your time.
You used the word mishegas. What does that mean?
This is a helpful resource:
This isn’t a conversion question but I hope it’s okay to ask here. Is there anything I can do to support people living in Israel during this terrifying time?
Hi anon,
I wrestled with how/if to respond to this, because I try very hard to keep I/P politics off of this blog and have since I started this blog in 2017 or so. It is not relevant to this blog what my opinions are on this, and it's hard to talk about the topic at all (even in a neutral way) without people accusing you of being Zionist or Anti-Zionist if what you say does not perfectly line up with their viewpoint.
But in the end, I think that this transcends politics. It has to. Condemning the slaughter, torture, and sexual abuse of human beings, whoever they are, is the correct opinion. I don't care who is doing it, and I don't care why. This isn't a political debate; this is basic human decency.
As for what you can do right now? If you have Israeli or Palestinian friends (whether they are in your community or in Israel/Palestine, reach out to them. They may b'ezrat Hashem be safe, but they are not ok, so instead of asking, just let them know you are thinking of them, that you are praying for their continued safety and for peace to come swiftly and justly. They may not feel like talking, but if they do, hold space for them.
There are a lot of excellent organizations collecting funds to help with the great need that has been created by these atrocities. Find ones whose mission and goals align with your own, double check their validity, and then donate what you can.
Many Jewish communities (most, I assume) are currently organizing or have already set up community events to address the issues and to pray as a community. Look at your email - my inbox had no less than twelve different events (online and in person) within the next few days - and check the websites for Jewish organizations that you affiliate with for opportunities to gather and debrief.
And, perhaps, the most important thing from a social media standpoint: make sure that you vet *all* information before deciding to accept it as true and cross-check it with other sources, especially if you plan on sharing that information. Both Hamas and the Israeli government are masters of propaganda, and the Western media really likes to lean into this for a better story. Since Western media thrives on conflict and hyped up emotions to keep people interested and scrolling, there is a strong incentive to publish as much as quickly as possible, the more sensational the better. Use reputable sources, but don't rely on them to get it right 100% of the time. I would suggest looking at reputable sources that have a clear, known bias in each direction and comparing them both to media that at least attempts to be neutral. So far, it doesn't seem like too too many facts have been in dispute (most of the information about the atrocities committed by Hamas has been posted by Hamas as propaganda) but it's early. If you have the emotional bandwidth and have done the research, please correct the misinformation you see from friends, family, and followers. Do **not** jump in with assumptions or non-researched opinions, because that will only fuel the chaos and not help anyone.
Above all, be smart, be wary of disinformation, be compassionate, and (to the extent you are able) be generous. Remember that civilians are civilians, that neither group of civilians chose this, that plenty of them dream of a peaceful and just coexistence, and that intentionally hurting non-combatants is always wrong no matter the justification.
As for me, I will turn to Tehillim and to the words of the Prayer for Peace:
May we see the day when war and bloodshed cease, When a great peace will embrace the whole world. Then nation will not threaten nation, and the human family will not again know war. For all who live on earth shall realize we have not come into being to hate or to destroy. We have come into being to praise, to labor, and to love. Compassionate God, bless the leaders of all nations with the power of compassion. Fulfill the promise conveyed in Scripture: I will bring peace to the land and you shall lie down and no one shall terrify you. I will rid the land of vicious beasts and it shall not be ravaged by war. Let justice and righteousness flow like a mighty stream. Let God’s peace fill the earth as the waters fill the sea. And let us say: Amen
You see what I mean? This kind of mishegas is exactly what I was worried about receiving when posting anything about this topic.
Anyway that said: if you think like this, I do not want you in this space. If you cannot see human rights atrocities and condemn them for what they are - if, in fact, you think that rape and torture are literally ever justified under any circumstances - you are a very toxic person lacking in basic empathy and that is not conducive for what I'm trying to accomplish here.
