fucking hell.

"But you are gone - not for good but for now. Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good,"

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: You're number 6

Leon: I was created on such a pointless day

Leon: Yeah. Get over it, fuck

Kaeden: Number one ):

Kaeden: I love your birthday

Kaeden: I'm so happy

Kaeden: I'm coming ):

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: Bitches like it old and gross

Leon: Around 11 pm you fuck

Leon: You're so ridiculous

Leon: Fuck

Leon: You're a fetus

Leon: Come over

Leon: I wanna smoke

Kaeden: But I'm your number one bitch, right?

Kaeden: You were ONE hour off from not having your birthday on Valentines Day.... amazing

Kaeden: I'm not a fucking fetus you fuck

Kaeden: Is that all you want me for ???? Drugs???? I'm insulted

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Kaeden: LEON

Kaeden: LEONNNNN

Kaeden: WHAT TIME WHERE YOU BORN??

Kaeden: IT'S ALMOST YOUR BIRTHDAY CAN YOU BELIEVE

Kaeden: YOU'RE SO OLD AND GROSS

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: And what is it we're doing?

Kaeden: Take you out for dinner

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: Oh are we?

Kaeden: Yes

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: Me either

Leon: Mmmm a joint sounds good

Kaeden: Fine then I'll get us that

Kaeden: AND we're gonna do something else.

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: We can just smoke a joint and call it a day

Kaeden: I haven't gotten high in ages..

Kaeden: Want you to be happy

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: You're the fucking youngling

Leon: 19 is a big year for such a little man

Kaeden: That's a shit reason

Kaeden: Your birthday is important to me

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: Fuck off

Leon: You're ridiculous

Leon: Don't do anything

Kaeden: You did things for me for my birthday

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: I WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED

Leon: Nah

Leon: Don't do anything. It's just a day

Kaeden: A special day

Kaeden: I'm gonna do something for you

Kaeden: Can't do much but I'm gonna do something

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Leon: I think you're more excited about it than I am

Kaeden: I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Kaeden: god fucking dammit I wanna do something for you

[jfckaeden-blog]

text ✉ gem

Kaeden: can you fucking believe it's going to be your birthday soon

[leon--smith-blog]

Leon’s lips remained pressed to the dull flesh. Although the boy was pale and cold he carried so much warmth. “S’moneone’s gonna love you good one day,” his words were mushed against Kaeden’s skin, quiet and almost incomprehensible, but truthful. Kaeden would be fucking loved, just as much as he wants to love himself. Leon just isn’t able. Some people are meant to love, and he isn’t one of those people. Swallowing any amount of air he had clogged in his throat, his lips upturned in an almost sadistic way. “Don’t think I could get over you dying, Kae,” Leon said raw. He pressed another kiss of comfort to the boy’s forehead.

[jfckaeden-blog]

Kaeden highly doubted Leon's words. He didn't see how someone could know him entirely and still love him. It took a long, long time for someone to get to that point. Leon made it. His very own best friend. But he still didn't love him and never would. Kaeden wouldn't expect otherwise. "Bullshit," he muttered out, somewhat pathetically, eyes staying fluttered shut. If it wasn't for Leon's flush lips being pressed against his skin, Kaeden would be violently shaking his head in denial. "No--no, don't say that, Leon. Please." Kaeden spoke, voice straining against the whine. "I know you'd get over it. Please don't tell me otherwise."

[leon--smith-blog]

Leon watched Kaeden watch him. It was nearly dangerous how much safer his eyes looked. “I don’t find it disgusting,” he whispered, licking his lips once more. And he didn’t. God, it almost felt nice to feel loved. But it was so much pressure to be loved by someone, especially someone you care about. “M’ just not the person you should love,” he said even lower, leaning back down and placing his lips to Kaeden’s forehead once more, kissing the skin this time. “You deserve someone who wants love as much as you do,” he mumbled against the surface.

[jfckaeden-blog]

Suffocating. That's what Leon once described Leon as, and really, Kaeden didn't feel that very much when it came to the other male. But right now, he wasn't quite sure how he was breathing. How he wasn't panicking. But there was some sour of hindrance in his mind. Something that was halting the racing thoughts in his head -- replacing all of the tainted evil with something so much better. Leon. Just Leon. And it was so fucking calming. His lips pressed against his skin once again. Each and every fucking time, another horrid thought would flutter out of my mind. "But I don't wanna be loved. It'd be selfish to do that. I'm a mess. Unlovable. So -- it's nice to love you... 'cause I know it's harder to disappoint you. And I know you could get over me dying. And that's reassuring -- and at the same time I get to experience what it's like to love someone. And that's really nice, Le."

[leon--smith-blog]

Leon slowly removed his lips from Kaeden’s forehead, somehow maintaining the warmth between their two bodies. “I’ll fuck him up if he gives you any fucking problem,” Leon said sharply, and his words were the god damn truth. He would. He fucking would. And that may get him “eternally banned” from Kaeden’s abode, but even that wasn’t issue, because everything has an end and nothing in this world is eternal. Not him. Not Kaeden. And not his pointless step dad, or any other human being for a matter of fact. “Do you?” Leon hummed the words, licking his lips and looking to Kaeden’s sense of peace. And god, was it peaceful.

[jfckaeden-blog]

Kaeden knew Leon easily would follow through with his words, but that only scared him more. Conflict between his step dad and best friend. He never wanted to involve Leon into any of this. Kaeden's self harm. The abuse. The suicide. All of his fucking stupid issues. He didn't know how he still had Leon. His lovely, brave Leon. His gem. Kaeden gave a nod at his question. "I do," he mumbled out out softly, blue eyes not being able to help but to travel those stupid, pink and full lips. "So, so much," he muttered out quietly. "I wish you didn't find that disgusting. I wish you liked that I loved you.."

[leon--smith-blog]

"Wasn’t your fault". Leon was clueless as to why Kaeden was in the hospital. Suicide definitely crossed his mind, but it fucking couldn’t have been. Not after how well things have been going. Not after Kaeden talking about how happy he felt. It couldn’t have been suicide to do this to him, Leon told himself, believing his deceitful argument. “Shh,” Leon licked his lips, looking to Kaeden, watching him watch the world. Watching him watch the world and being terrified by it. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Kaeden’s forehead, not kissing the skin but just keeping his warmth pressed against Kaeden’s in a sense of comfort. Leon didn’t speak, but so much was said. I’ve got you, he thought loudly.

[jfckaeden-blog]

How could Leon sit there and think it wasn't his fault? He had attempted to off himself Key word: attempted. Everything would be fine and dandy if he could just have done the simple thing right. But he couldn't. Now here he was, exposing his mother to information he never wanted her to know. "Of fucking course it's my fault, Leon," he couldn't help but retort. "S'not fair. I can't escape him. I don't wanna deal with it," he rambled out in a quiet mumble. How petty. He didn't want to deal with it. Kaeden's eyes fluttered shut as Leon limited their distance once again, a sigh of some sot of relief leaving his lips. "I love you.."

[leon--smith-blog]

Kaeden’s heartbeat was steady. He could hear it. He was able to see it for fucks sake. Peering up to the monitor, Leon watched the steady rhythm of mountains, signifying something as meaningful as Kaeden’s sanity and existence. Hell, that is what is was. No metaphors or similes to romanticize the simple, constant line. That was Kaeden’s fucking life, and it synced with his own noticeable heartbeat in a disturbingly accurate and perfect way. “Who?” his eyebrows furrowed before taking a second to actually think about the statement. “Your step dad?” he questioned, sure that was the said person. Leon laughed bitterly at the mention of that man. “Fuck him. I’ll fucking knock his teeth out if he says a damn thing to you”.

[jfckaeden-blog]

It was almost ironic, how earlier he had a panic attack for being in the hospital... now, here he was, getting all worked up about going home. Conflicted little one, Kaeden was. He hated life. Yet loved the living. He hated pain. Yet caused plenty of it. He hated love. Yet was so desperate for it. He didn't know what made his step dad so scary, really. What was the big deal, after all? Kaeden hurt himself -- other people hurt him, so why was it such a different when his step dad did? Yes, he often did more damage than others. Yes, it hurt a lot more. But isn't that what he wanted? "He's -- he's gonna be mad 'cause I hurt my mom," he muttered out, attempting to keep close as possible, but feeling his panic rise, and a breath escape him, he couldn't help but pull back in attempt to let more oxygen run to his lungs. Kaeden ran his hand through his hair, staring dead in front of him. "And now she knows about everything -- and she's probably -- and he's --"