GORL.

Live your best life through someone else.

[jhames]

My black friend Audrey is planning a new business venture. She is nothing short of revolutionary! Every time a white person appropriates or emulates a stereotype of a strong black woman, Audrey’s company will charge a licensing fee for said use of black culture appropriation. She’s calling her startup Reclaim. She got tired of waiting for white people to do the work to stop implicit and explicit bias, thus the idea was born. . The company is comprised of lawyers (licensing), accountants (obvi), developers & engineers (patents!), And debt collectors (born from the fires of Mordor, capable of finding anyone who owes money and making them pay by cash, check, card, flesh, or blood). White people can apply due to federal guidelines, but they seem to fail the baking challenge during the application process. (White people do love their mayonnaise and dry cakes!) . So how does Reclaim work? Every time a white person thinks they’re being sassy – cocking their head, snapping their fingers, ending a sentence with “girlfriend” – Reclaim will process a fee for the use of cultural stereotypes. The fees are associated with the level of appropriation and offensive mannerisms. Funds are later collected by the company and the process is repeated. Passive income for the win, Gorl! . Audrey plans to start her project with Log Cabin Gays, then the general white gay community, and finally straight white women. Based off the Log Cabin Gay projections alone, Audrey figures Reclaim will be able to achieve a healthy profit before the start of Q4 2018. The general white gay community will yield enough money to redistribute reparations among every black woman in the U.S. by end of 2019. I’m guessing Wakanda will no longer be a fictional country when it comes time to collect from the white women. Audrey promised me a role in the new cabinet. I’ll be a Rockette! or was it kicking rocks?

[jhames]

Living your best life means always proving your allyship to everyone, everywhere, every time. Even if your friends are sound asleep it’s important to send them an occasional text message that says, “I see you.” I like to gift friends with products made by corporations that can sniff a demographic’s purchase power a mile away. June is Pride Month – despite the current administration keeping as quiet as a hookup in a public airport bathroom, except that one time Ivanka Bovanka Fovanka tweeted about the LGBT community before walking back into the shadowlands – and the new shoe collection from Nike just screams “campaign.” And what gay doesn't love a cam—wait, they love a pageant? Oh. Well anyhoo, I thought these shoes would make for a wonderful surprise for my gay best friend / Pilates instructor Alain. . Alain recently decided that he’s “Masc,” short for Masculine. (If you’re a little person who identifies as “Masc,” does that make you a Mini-Masc or a Minisc?) Masc men like other masculine men and very masculine things like sports, monosyllabic conversations, saying “Bro,” super hoppy beers, Libertarianism, shopping at Costco for plaid shirts, and only dancing when they are high as a kite because dancing is totes gay and they are men! Masculine men! . Obviously anything rainbows and pink are out because they are not mass and he couldn’t possibly be seen grabbing another Masc man by the neck at the gym after a rigorous workout of weights and dirty bulking if he was wearing those shoes. De rigeur, gorl! . The pink triangle on the shoes has its own problems, and not at all because of my deeply Swiss heritage and some stuff that happened last century. The symbol originated from Nazi concentration camps and was later reclaimed by the activist group Act Up when another hateful presidential administration refused to acknowledge HIV and AIDS wiping out an entire generation of queer people in the United States. And now we have the triangle on a shoe made by a corporation and I have no idea if it means visibility or activism or trying to make coin off a marginalized group that is seeing its visibility and rights grow smaller with every passing day in this administration.

[jhames]

Living your best life means always proving your allyship to everyone, everywhere, every time. Even if your friends are sound asleep it’s important to send them an occasional text message that says, “I see you.” I like to gift friends with products made by corporations that can sniff a demographic’s purchase power a mile away. June is Pride Month – despite the current administration keeping as quiet as a hookup in a public airport bathroom, except that one time Ivanka Bovanka Fovanka tweeted about the LGBT community before walking back into the shadowlands – and the new shoe collection from Nike just screams “campaign.” And what gay doesn't love a cam—wait, they love a pageant? Oh. Well anyhoo, I thought these shoes would make for a wonderful surprise for my gay best friend / Pilates instructor Alain. . Alain recently decided that he’s “Masc,” short for Masculine. (If you’re a little person who identifies as “Masc,” does that make you a Mini-Masc or a Minisc?) Masc men like other masculine men and very masculine things like sports, monosyllabic conversations, saying “Bro,” super hoppy beers, Libertarianism, shopping at Costco for plaid shirts, and only dancing when they are high as a kite because dancing is totes gay and they are men! Masculine men! . Obviously anything rainbows and pink are out because they are not mass and he couldn’t possibly be seen grabbing another Masc man by the neck at the gym after a rigorous workout of weights and dirty bulking if he was wearing those shoes. De rigeur, gorl! . The pink triangle on the shoes has its own problems, and not at all because of my deeply Swiss heritage and some stuff that happened last century. The symbol originated from Nazi concentration camps and was later reclaimed by the activist group Act Up when another hateful presidential administration refused to acknowledge HIV and AIDS wiping out an entire generation of queer people in the United States. And now we have the triangle on a shoe made by a corporation and I have no idea if it means visibility or activism or trying to make coin off a marginalized group that is seeing its visibility and rights grow smaller with every passing day in this administration.

[jhames]

Living your best life means always proving your allyship to everyone, everywhere, every time. Even if your friends are sound asleep it’s important to send them an occasional text message that says, “I see you.” I like to gift friends with products made by corporations that can sniff a demographic’s purchase power a mile away. June is Pride Month – despite the current administration keeping as quiet as a hookup in a public airport bathroom, except that one time Ivanka Bovanka Fovanka tweeted about the LGBT community before walking back into the shadowlands – and the new shoe collection from Nike just screams “campaign.” And what gay doesn't love a cam—wait, they love a pageant? Oh. Well anyhoo, I thought these shoes would make for a wonderful surprise for my gay best friend / Pilates instructor Alain. . Alain recently decided that he’s “Masc,” short for Masculine. (If you’re a little person who identifies as “Masc,” does that make you a Mini-Masc or a Minisc?) Masc men like other masculine men and very masculine things like sports, monosyllabic conversations, saying “Bro,” super hoppy beers, Libertarianism, shopping at Costco for plaid shirts, and only dancing when they are high as a kite because dancing is totes gay and they are men! Masculine men! . Obviously anything rainbows and pink are out because they are not mass and he couldn’t possibly be seen grabbing another Masc man by the neck at the gym after a rigorous workout of weights and dirty bulking if he was wearing those shoes. De rigeur, gorl! . The pink triangle on the shoes has its own problems, and not at all because of my deeply Swiss heritage and some stuff that happened last century. The symbol originated from Nazi concentration camps and was later reclaimed by the activist group Act Up when another hateful presidential administration refused to acknowledge HIV and AIDS wiping out an entire generation of queer people in the United States. And now we have the triangle on a shoe made by a corporation and I have no idea if it means visibility or activism or trying to make coin off a marginalized group that is seeing its visibility and rights grow smaller with every passing day in this administration.

[jhames]

Same. (at Virago Gallery)

[jhames]

Just in time for summer: make sure everyone’s eyes are directed to the slim line of your legs—and not what’s between them. Mike Pence can’t get enough of these pants!

[jhames]

She’s feckless, that one. Her.

[jhames]

NBC’s Megyn Kelly on Tuesday questioned Starbucks’ new policy that allows non-customers to sit in the stores and use its restrooms, saying that it could lead to a mass of homeless people occupying cafés. . Kelly also called out Starbucks for the rapper Common’s participation in the anti-bias training, charging that he has a history of homophobic lyrics and derogatory remarks about women. . “I’m just saying, if we’re going to hold up somebody as an example to teach on bias, maybe we should be sensitive to that person’s entire record,” Kelly said. . Just then there were three loud knocks at the street door. She stepped out to see who was there. A black man was holding a black horse, which neighed and stamped with impatience. . “Megyn, you’re come for,” said the black fellow, gruffly. Megyn shrank back, but too late. She had left her little Bible at the bottom of her coat-pocket and her big Bible on the desk buried under the contract the network wish they could foreclose: never was sinner taken more unawares. The black man whisked her like a child into the saddle, gave the horse the lash, and away he galloped, with Megyn on his back, in the midst of a thunder-storm. Her staff stuck their pens behind their ears, and stared after her from the windows. Away went Megyn Kelly, dashing down the streets, her blonde cap bobbing up and down, her Ivanka Trump blouse fluttering in the wind. She had disappeared.

[jhames]

“IT IS A FACT that white people love mayonnaise,” my black friend Audrey told me over a morning repast of photos featuring smashed avocado on gluten-free artisan toast. “The siren’s call of a bland condiment causes stimulation in white people’s salivary glands. Mayonnaise is responsible for the lifting up of mediocrity in U.S. politics, pop culture, and the inexplicable popularity of fast fashion.” I paused to consider Audrey’s words. Was my addiction to mayonniase responsible for celebrating the “50 Shades of” series, autotuned boy bands, and curled tresses that are left untouched instead of blown and brushed out? I felt I was in a cultural quagmire. . “My God, Audrey, you’re right. But what can we do to stop this insatiable inertia of celebrating white people and mediocrity?” . Audrey whispered a plan in my ear. I can’t go into all the details but it involves the Illuminati and global shortages. If you are a cracker and you can hear these words that your assistant is reading aloud, the end is near. Run to the stores and buy whatever mayonniase you can find on the shelves! Scrapbook every last mayo photo you can find! The age that is to come will leave no cracker untouched! Lift every voice and sing! to Sarah McLachlan! “I willllllll rememberrrrrrr youuuuuu.”

[jhames]

This raw, gluten-free, Paleo, vegan, organic pico de gallo is a cinch to prepare and accompanies any weekend party with plantain chips and pineapple guacamole. You will need: organic Roma tomatoes, organic jalapeños, organic red onion, organic green onions, organic limes, organic sea salt, organic evaporated cane sugar, organic ground cumin seeds, organic piñons, organic craisins, organic non-GMO vegan mayonnaise, organic stone ground mustard, organic black pepper, alkaline water, moon dust, goopglow, and a kitchen staff. Instruct your best friend / assistant / red right hand to instruct the staff to make the salsa or whatever this is called. Be sure to prepare this dish after a New Moon and never during a Mercury Retrograde. Serves 6 or 12 or whatever, I don’t really know since I avoid nightshades at all cost. (Spoiler alert: they cause autism!)

[jhames]

Same.

[jhames]

I thought to use a different picture of Ivanka and Jared but her dress is such a fashion statement that it would be a crime not to showcase what can happen when you breed a petticoat with a Swiffer. Everything about this dress just screams “Neisseria gonorrhoeae.” . Now that The New York Times Style Magazine has heralded the Age of the Twink, it’s only fitting that Bovanka continue to lead the nation in fashion trends by christening her husband First Twink. Serving it straight or broken, that one, Jared exhausts that man-boy charm for days. Gird his loins, Gorl, you don’t want to leave Jared alone with Mike! . One can only imagine that Fovanka gazes lovingly at Jared, admiring the safety in his slimness, and thinking to herself that she could snap him like the stems off her Ivanka Trump Collection heels (on sale at Zappos, Bloomindale’s, DSW, and more!). And she wouldn’t be wrong: a stiff wind could break the stems off those cheap shoes! But who would have thought that one woman could have it all: a father who’s lusted for her since birth, a clothing collection that always – always – offers exceptional deals on fast fashion, and a husband without security clearance but all the twink goodness a Gorl could ever wish for. And that dress. . Twink… pink… omg.

[jhames]

The first daughter Ivanka Bovanka Fovanka wore an off-white/wall $1,890 Ralph Lauren jacket and a white/towel dress by the same brand ($2,500), as she and Jared arrived for the inauguration of the new US embassy in Jerusalem. Jared – Donald’s son-in-law, senior adviser, and top official overseeing US effort in Middle East peace – delivered the speech at Jerusalem embassy opening. But who designed the security clearance he lacks that he can speak on behalf of the U.S? . Oh yeah, and according to the NYT there were some protests and, like, deaths or whatever.

[jhames]

Happy Mother's Day, Gorl.

[jhames]

It’s only natural that a white woman will burst into tears when confronted by marginalized people because of her white privilege and expectation that she is the center of it all, and hasn’t she always been good to you. The best defense is a good offense, Gorl! . Look into the watery eyes of that white woman and say, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” . Don’t be afraid to set the white woman in time out.

[jhames]

Melly Mel took to the podium in a tasteful jacket (read: not from her stepdaighter’s collection) (still on sale!) to announce her campaign for America’s children: Be Best. Children who work toward the goal of being their absolute bestest will compete for the bigly title of Most Bestest, sponsored by whatever Trump business is not in process of bankruptcy.

[jhames]

My black friend Audrey invited me over to her estate, the excitement in her messenger delivering the invitation was palpable. After clearing security I was greeted by Audrey who had a smile positively beaming from ear to ear. She was working on a new project and wanted to share it with me, the first person to behold her progress. I love being VIP with Audrey. . She led me to a room with a fabulous chaise where I was offered to lounge. She sat across from me in a chair with a small side table. Still smiling, she asked me about my favorite topic du jour pashmina shawls I plan to dry clean and store in preparation for someday donating to needy women in offices with summer AC blasting. I noticed Audrey stirring a cup of tea on the small table and I described my second favorite shawl, and I started to feel a tad drowsy. I don’t remember finishing the description of my third favorite shawl, instead I felt myself sink into the chaise as the room seem to move farther away. . I didn’t understand what was happening at first, it felt like I was falling forever. Then I found myself in something called a Dillard’s where Ivanka Trump’s clothing collection was on sale. I tried to ask a sales associate where I could find the Monse boutique but she said the store only carries Bovanka’s collection. I tried not to panic so I asked where I could get a cordyceps smoothie. She asked if I meant a Frappuccino. . “What is this place?” I asked, half gasping and half unaware. . In my head I could hear Audrey’s voice: “You’re in the Midwest.” . I tried to scream but I couldn’t. I looked up into the store’s fluorescent lighting and sacred geometry appeared above me. Then a violet universe took shape and I felt myself begin to float. Suddenly I was back on the chaise, with Audrey still seated across from me. I now understand what it means to feel fear, Gorl.