it’s bullshit . nobody changes . it’s all a lie .
it’s easier to tell herself that . nail it into her head , over and over , beating it in until it sticks --- until she believes it . easier to convince herself that than to admit she’s failed , again . if nobody changes ... then it isn’t her fault she fucked up . just a product of a fucked up life , right ? she didn’t have the opportunity to know a loving upbringing , no surprise she went down the path of drugs and death .
her dad never changed . maybe he’d primed her for disappointment down the line .
maybe she needed someone to blame .
nobody fucking changes . nobody is reborn .
amanda’s outlook on growth is heavily centered on her own self - loathing and doubt . deep down , she knows that people are capable of change , capable of healing and moving on , at times all on their own . she’s witnessed it firsthand , and it infuriates her . they make it look so fucking easy , and yet every single time she’s tried to change , she’s failed . she’s jealous of the ones who can , and she’ll never admit it . easier to shut herself off , make jokes of how fucked she is --- silently envying the ones who learn the lesson john was teaching . when john took her in , she had hope --- hell , even believed she could truly be reborn into his successor . but , with the pressure to meet expectations , bad habits soon flared up again . in a way , she blamed him . this spark of anger , of envy , is what motivated the unwinnable games .
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