he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
No title available
cherry valley forever
styofa doing anything
No title available
wallacepolsom
titsay
JVL
Kaledo Art
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
No title available
Misplaced Lens Cap
RMH
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Andulka
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
we're not kids anymore.
Sweet Seals For You, Always
Product Placement
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Netherlands
seen from Australia
seen from Netherlands
@jillwalker
Performative Purity?
You have to understand, I'm an elder millennial, so I didn't understand a lot of these questions. Is this the new 'hipster'?
my performative purity test score is 82. whats yours? https://www.performativepuritytest.com/
From a few artists doing good shit. These prints are available for free download here. Spread them far and wide.
The Sound of Music (1965) dir. Robert Wise
The Sound of Music (1965) dir. Robert Wise
The Sound Of Music (1965) dir. Robert Wise
THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965) dir. Robert Wise
The Sound of Music (1965) dir. Robert Wise
This should hopefully help communicate the gender-critical stance on what the words “men” and “women” mean. As you can see, it’s very inclusive, and has no relation to someone’s looks, fertility, personality, or gender identity.
This infographic is part of an effort to clear up the extreme misinformation floating around. Feel free to use.
This info needs to be out there, it turned the tide against cryptocurrency in the public eye it might fit so too
If you used this many resources just to add adjectives to keywords, someone would put you down like a sick cow for the sake of commerce. Why does the hopped up neural net deserve to live?
“To live in a culture in which women are routinely naked where men aren’t is to learn inequality in little ways all day long” - Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth
Midsommar liveblog
Why doesn't Dani reach out to her friends?
I wish she would just let Christian go. CALL YOUR COOL FRIEND FROM EARLIER, DANI.
That was a crap move for Christian to pull on his friends.
But I feel like he's trying. Just…clueless.
Geez this movie reminds me so much of the awkwardness of my college and mid twenties years.
I had some fun but I'm so glad I grew up and started being more discerning about the people I spend time around. No longer hanging out with people just because they were there but because I actually like them.
Pelle, stop talking to her about that, geez. She's obviously getting upset. Ugh, people did this to me after a tragedy and I just wanted them to SHUT UP. Sometimes I think people who do it mean well and just don't know what to say and keep going in a fumbling attempt to make it better. But sometimes I think they're just self-absorbed and don't notice or care that it's upsetting you. I try to be cognizant of this when talking to others and give them an out if it seems to be upsetting them. Or better yet, let THEM direct the conversation wherever they're comfortable. LISTEN.
I REALLY like the camera work on this. So far I like it better than Hereditary.
Oh yes, I remember those sobs where you don't have any tears left.
The cuts in this movie are great too.
Connie is adorable and short.
Taking drugs in a foreign country seems like a bad idea. I personally would want to keep myself sharp.
DANI HE SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE THEM STOP TRYING TO BE THE COOL GIRL
PHONE YOUR FRIEND DANI.
I don't know how acid works. Do you actually take the same trip together?
They're all so young and stupid. Stop it.
This is relevant to nothing, but I appreciate Florence Pugh's eyebrows.
I don't know why the line "It's fine, it's Sweden." entertains me so much but it does.
Stop bossing everyone around Poulter.
The all white clothing gives off a seriously culty vibe.
Oh no, there's grass growing in your hand! It's like the conquistador from The Fountain!
HomeoSTAAAAAAAASIS
Here comes the maudlin crap.
STOP APOLOGIZING DANI WHAT ARE YOU EVEN APOLOGIZING FOR?
You're not okay, Dani, and guess what? That's okay! you don't have to be okay.
Stop trying to force yourself to be socially acceptable and okay, Dani.
Aaaaand now you're gonna get lost in the woods.
WHAT IS TIME?!
You mean you didn't come here for acid trips?
I like the aerial shots.
Poulter's bug phobia is cracking me up for some reason.
The framing of this shot with the sun sculpture thingy is great.
Connie's backpack is comically large.
Stay away from woodwind instruments!
There's a dog! I love you dog!
snort Waco
haha, he called his frock girly. That was endearing.
I know he's probably evil but Pelle just looks so genuinely happy to be home.
BTW, I got some Wicker Man vibes from the previews for this.
NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY
I love this chick in the crowd with the cat shirt or whatever.
The number 9 keeps coming up, so I googled it and found out that Biblically it means finality or judgement.
Redheaded girl's braids are goals.
Interesting symbol on the door.
Haha, she kicked him.
OOOOOOOOOH, that American comment was a burn.
That….is a picture. yep. Sure is.
NO! No secrets!
STOP APOLOGIZING
Is that a tombstone or just a sign?
As someone who sometimes forgets details of anniversaries, I'm gonna give Christian break here.
How does Connie look so cute in overalls?
What sort of officiant is Ingmar?
TRIANGLES. ILLUMINATI! Also, please watch the Buzzfeed Unsolved episode on Illuminati.
What is the point of a sacred temple that no one is allowed in?
The bear reminds me of Chernobyl Diaries, which was a boring movie.
GROSS!
He's not kidding, Dani.
Why are they watching Austin Powers?
Ugh, Poulter is so gross.
Aw, this is sweet and pitiful. Darn lighter.
Also, don't think I missed the juxtaposition.
That excuse actually sounds plausible.
GET THOSE SCISSORS AWAY FROM THE BABY.
Does Josh know?
The bug phobia keeps going and continues to amuse me.
Someone take care of the baby, I swear.
It shouldn't, but this is making me think of the interpretative dances from Napoleon Dynamite.
The sheets are for EASIER CLEANUP.
Somebody should tell you to shut up, Poulter.
Dinner bell?
Is that the two old people from the torch thing?
This is so much better than Hereditary.
The tables are in the shape of a symbol.
So when Pelle said that girl was his sister….was she actually biologically his sister?
Notice how no one else is looking.
Old dude is just…not emoting much.
Who is that guy looking at? Where is my fourth wall?
Oh no, it's the horn of Gondor!
Josh has some intense looks.
I appreciate Josh's academic curiousity, but get some people skills dude.
Ooo, the tombstone things!
Gross!
Swan dive. Do it.
Aw, the way Dani grabs Christian's arm is sweet.
It's fine. pfffffffffffff
Ingmar's friends are embarassing him.
SWAN DIVE
Well, that was dumb.
Is Christian going to puke?
Do they moan like this if the fall does kill both people?
Why do all four of them need to do it? If it's a matter of practicality, he seems pretty dead now.
Enjoying your studies now, Josh?!
Dani doesn't look away.
Just leave quietly, Simon. You already know these people are crazy dangerous.
Um….Pelle didn't warn anyone either.
Excellent question raised here. Just because something is a long observed custom, does that make it right?
Yeah, they looked super joyful.
They looked pretty pained and fearful to me.
Okay, Christian is being pretty sweet right now. And yes Dani, well put.
I don't think Josh is okay.
Um, okay Christian.
Is it just me or are they talking about this so that they don't have to talk about the weird crap they just saw?
Peer reviewed. Pelle knows his stuff. Man, is he playing them all against each other? Did he give Christian this dumb idea?
Stop apologizing to people, Dani.
"Especially my friends that I knew would be traumatized by it" I think is what you mean.
Yes girl, don't take any more substances from him.
Stop projecting your own crap on her, Pelle.
IT'S NOT THE SAME SITUATION YOU JERK.
She has a cool friend who needs to be her family.
I want to note how Pelle's face is obscured through much of this conversation.
NO TOUCHY.
Are they going to eat them? Watch out for prions!
Is this what you meant when you said your parents died in a fire, Pelle?
Her hair is down now. I don't know if that's significant, but it's the first time in the whole movie.
Oh, screw your open mind dude.
Yes, taking a sleeping pill when you're in a dangerous place is a great idea.
Um…are they leaving her there?
I swear, somebody give that poor baby some love.
What the heck, red?
OMG, he has to be lying about the thesis, right?
Lying liar who lies.
And this is why you should just use the indoor restroom, you creep.
I actually feel bad for Ulf here. And yeah, Poulter, when even Pelle is losing patience with you, you know it's bad. Just be properly apolegetic for heaven's sake.
Connie and Dani should have talked more.
OMG…the manipulation, I hate it. The isolation. This whole cult is abusive.
We beat people in the head with mallets, but we don't break traffic laws.
Yes, Connie, don't let him touch you. I like you.
OMG, the way he just changes the subject to lunch.
And then he HUMS as he walks away.
Okay…so Christian's character has changed dramatically and I'm not sure I buy it.
That absent-minded, placating, hand on the shoulder. Ugh.
They do seem to all have the same story. Interesting.
This is interesting. Didn't some people historically believe disabled people were oracles or something?
I feel like all the villagers are just ignoring the screaming.
Does Poulter actually feel bad or is he just upset he got in trouble?
You are painfully stupid, Poulter.
Uuuuugh, the textbook manipulation is killing me.
DANG
Dude, shut up, it's like you want to die.
I'm trying to decide if the villagers are just taking advantage of rifts and character flaws that already existed or if they're making them happen. Like…is there anything supernatural going on here? Drugs? Something?
Yeah, the girl's not suspicious at all, you idiot.
THE BABY, I SWEAR, WHY?
Don't take sleeping pills when you don't feel safe, you idiot.
Nice shoes, Josh.
OMG, are they all taking stupid pills?
Dude, what is your plan. If your stupid thesis is published with these photos they're gonna find out.
At first I expected the trumpet to be playing Reveille but then I was like "They're not American, you idiot".
Um…really kissing butt there, Christian. His character change is really too abrupt for me. That's my only complaint so far.
Why are you still taking substances from these people, Dani? You know things are sketchy.
The symbol on her dress is like the tables.
What's with her turning into grass? This is a recurring motif. This isn't a Stephen King movie.
They danced until they died, Shane!
Why is she suddenly participating instead of watching?
She doesn't bow.
I gotta be honest, that dance looks like fun.
MORE BLUE WALLS
The walls look like freaking Loteria cards.
Uncomfortable lack of personal space ahoy.
Um, I wasn't in the running, thanks.
Dani seems so happy. She just needed time away from those jerks.
I kinda want to dance like this.
'special properties' Riiiiight.
Sounds like beer.
Why do I want her to win this dance thing?
Shoulder check the other dancers to the ground. Got it. Great strategy.
Is the May Queen always an outsider? Is that part of how they trick them into staying?
That one pulsating flower.
Pelle stop kissing her you creep.
Ugh, everything is pulsating and it's freaking me out.
I can't decide if things are still pulsating or if it's just the wind. That flower definitely is though. All the flowers are now. I hate thin.
Geez, no pressure on the poor girl.
TRADITION
"They're all laughing at me."
Oh man, poor Christian. This guy has a sad face that just cuts to your heart, geez.
Oh my god, the stuff on the table is pulsing now too.
Crap, everything's breathing isn't it?
NO PRESSURE DANI.
uGH, NOW THE DRAWING'S MOVING.
She didn't even eat the herring you weirdo.
That was kind, Dani.
The little girl with the flowers is cute.
And I gotta be honest that's a nice carriage.
I want to trill like that and gesture forward for a carriage to go.
I don't think this path of flowers will be as nice.
Seeds? Meat? What? Eggs? This is a weird recipe.
Um, dude? Why did you change?
That's a bad Neti pot.
I didn't know Sia was in this movie.
How long have they been standing there waiting like that? Did they get bored? Did they keep thinking he was at the door and whispering to each other to start humming, like a terrible surprise birthday party?
This is supremely uncomfortable but this shot certainly does its job well.
Is anyone going to make a barbaric yawp?
Are those flowers comfy or itchy? What about the pollen?
She doesn't seem too jazzed about this either.
omg his face.
They do harmonize nicely.
Like do they have choir practice or something?
Lie back and think of Harga, right?
Poor kiddo.
Aaaand they brought her back specifically for this, didn't they?
She finally decides not to listen and it's this dumb choice.
what's with that face? Does she know or suspect?
That's…a strong reaction. Was that just the last straw?
He is exposed in so many many ways. Also, there is a foot sticking out of the ground.
She's so chipper.
Oh, the dais has a sun motif too.
Hope Dani took her Zyrtec.
There's that number nine again.
Do they think this is another way of diversifying the bloodline or something?
Poor Ulf. I don't give a cra about Ingmar.
Well, at least they gave Christian some clothes I guess.
OMG it's an actual lottery.
Honor Turbeyon with your jazz hands.
I legit can't tell if that chick has blood on her clothes or if it's just decoration.
OMG Connie. Why are you covered in pinecones?
So were they always planning on killing the outsiders and just pretended to need a reason?
So the temple is for burning?
Why does Connie have photos attached to her? What is in Josh's mouth? Is that Ingmar and Ulf? Because the old people's faces got seriously messed up.
What is it with Ari Aster and scarecrows of people?
The girl on the right looks upset. Why is she upset?
IT'S A BEAR.
Big upgrade from dissecting a frog.
BECOME THE BEAR.
Oooooh, it's a scapebear. This is interesting.
Okay, so that wasn't Ingmar or Ulf then. Did they like…make wax sculpts of the old people's faces?
Always with the triangles. Or are they diamonds?
Sia, your new music video is weird.
Okay what's with the inhale/exhale thing?
NO YEW TREE FOR YOU CHRISTIAN.
I wonder if the color yellow is significant too.
Is there something here about bringing those around us down with us in our trauma?
I'm digging the peaceful music here to contrast with the horrific scene.
AW CRAP the yew tree didn't work.
Are they….happy or horrified that people are in pain? I can't tell.
OMG, the flowers have nearly immobilized her. Is this where the grass thing was leading?
Pick an emotion people!
Lockwood x flares is my OTP.
MOTIONPICTURESOURCE’S 31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN
28/31 🎃👻 THE SKELETON DANCE (1929) dir. Walt Disney
Still entertaining 8 year olds today.
So I've been reading Dracula Daily and I've decided that Lucy Westenra=Usagi Tsukino. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Today's Adventure is that I, after an unintentional 13-hour power nap,
Got woken up at 6AM by a phone call from a friend stranded in Montana because of the heat wave and almost no cell service because of their crap provider.
OhSoThat'sHowIt'sGonnaBe.jpg
Ok.
I somehow summon a week's worth of spoons and in less than 30 minutes and 5 phone calls, get them
A hotel
An appointment with a mechanic from 2 states away
A perscription refilled from 2 states away
and A Pizza
Go me.
But then it's 8AM and there are unscheduled live humans at the door and while EVERGENCY MODE is still on, I have already blown through a ton of spoons, and also probably shouldn't meet whoever it is wearing just a pair of bootyshorts that say "CRYPTID" in Gothic Font on my ass.
So I greet them in those shorts and a T-shirt that I manage to put on both inside out and backwards
#nailedit
It is, Fortunately, not the mormons.
it is, Unfortunately, two UPS guys trying to deliver my other in-house friend's new phone except the new guy doesn't know how to operate the "sign for package" device, and the old guy that's supposed to be mentoring him is like, 92, deaf as a post, and doesn't actually know how to operate the device either.
by the way
it is already
over 100 out
it takes almost 30 minutes to sign for the phone
when i get back inside, i discover that apparently the Corgi has learned how to open his kennel from the inside because he is now out of the kennel and waiting for me to come in.
he also has cat litter all over his face because while he was waiting for me he also learned how to open the baby gate to the cat's room and help himself to a cat shit breakfast.
He'll be fine
He's a cattle dog, they're legally required to have at least 1 really disgusting snack they love.
but
more to the point
i have no idea at what point he learned to open his kennel from the inside
has he been staying there out of politeness this whole time??
And
I got other shit to do today.
namely.
I'm seeing a realator
The Devils most pathetic yet effective demons
I get a reminder text that I have an appointment with her
at least
I think that's what it is because what she sends me is: "🏡⏰12:00 ❔"
With the time typed in the middle like that.
She is, according to her profile, at least 80.
so I reply "😎👍"
and then she sends me a string of GODDAMN POST-MODERN EMOJI HEIROGLYPHICS THAT TAKE UP MY ENTIRE SCREEN.
She's on an iPhone so half of them don't even translate across platforms
It takes me half an hour and three different software programs and goddamn wingdings to translate, but she has sent me the address and rules about masking and not wearing shoes inside.
in emoji
instead of like
literally any other format
I am
FASCINATED
and simply must meet the woman so if I don't come back to update I got stolen by the fairies but I'm taking the Corgi with me as protection so I'll see y'all later.
Update:
It's not fairies
It's Doris.
might be about to get a sewing machine and/or start an ACAB riot.
Ok, so:
I'm going to see a prospective house because due to various circumstances, I'm probably going to be moving to the other side of a major metropolitan area in the next few months, but that's not important.
I get to the house
I get a text from the realtor
The realtor is not the person who has been texting me in emoji
The person texting me in emoji is the homeowner, who the realtor says will let me in if I want, she's running late.
Sure
Why not
I put Herschel on leash and go to the front door
As much crime as he commits at home Herschel The Hanukkah Goblin has terrific public manners, and is Very Cute so I'm about 90% sure the emoji fairy is going to let me take him through the house
Door opens.
90-something blue haired old lady with a spine like a question mark and glasses that could be used as telescope lenses opens the door.
"OH [Gallus]! How lovely to see you!"
This woman clearly knows me because she remembers my anniversary was last week and that my sister is back from Australia.
Problem is
I know about 500 geriatric ladies with blue hair, scoliosis and extreme prescription glasses, because I am a member of 2 quilt guilds, the scientific illustration guild, the rocky mountain SCA and stagehand for three different theater companies, so I know everyone's grandma and fuck me if I can tell them apart.
Wait
There's a quilt in thekitchen, visible front hall
I don't know faces but apparently I can recognize applique techniques at 40paces.
"...Doris? From SAQA?"
"YES! Who is this handsome little man?"
Herschel speaks enough English to know that "handsome little man" means "this person will feed me milk bones and bacon if I'm cute enough"
Immediately does a Sit Pretty and Shake.
Doris is bewitched
This is fine, but I also know I'm about to severely disappoint the realtor because there is no way in hell I'm moving into this House.
Because
The reason Doris is moving out is that her neighbor is a Cunt Magnifique and has been harassing Doris and everyone else to form an HOA and "improve the quality of our residents" because this woman has nothing better to do than be a racist-ass busy body, and recently, she's set her husband, a county sheriff on Doris, trying to bully her into signing paperwork and threatening her with legal action and writing her up for bullshit property violations
Ain't putting up with that shit
And neither is Doris, so she's selling all her shit and moving out to live with her grandchildren in Santa Monica.
But she's technologically impaired, so the only indication that there is an estate sale happening is a small paper sign in her front yard.
"Doris." I say, as Herschel makes himself comfortable on the couch for belly rubs and pieces of ham. "Did you tell SAQA or FRCC or anyone on Facebook that you're having the sale?"
"oh, I don't know how to do all that!" She sighs. "I tried to call the Denver post but they just put me on hold for ages..."
"Watch Herschel for 20 minutes and he's only allowed to have that one piece of ham."
Pics of everything
Address, time and pics to Facebook, both quilt guilds she's in, two more I have contacts for, nextdoor, and the local SCA discord for good measure.
It's 12 minutes and Herschel persuaded her to give him at least three pieces of ham.
He is petitioning for a fourth by doing a little puppy dance on the living room rug.
"OK, that's enough ham, people will be here in 10. Where is your cash box?"
Because apparently I'm running an estate sale today too.
It's fine :)
There's about 7 minutes of quiet.
Then
They DESCEND
The first on the scene is DeeDee, who doesn't believe in speed limits. She's arrived with a horse trailer. I remember that she is also moving.
"HI DORIS SWEETHEART WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS TODAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL THIS TO THE GOODWILL HERE LET ME SET UP ON YOUR LAWN "
DeeDee is 73, and has a special spiritual bond with Hello Kitty. She weighs like 98lbs, dresses exclusively in neon pink sanrio clothes and the kind of eye makeup drag queens aspire to.
She also speaks non-stop at a volume normally associated with jet engines.
Half the horse trailer is already spread out on the lawn.
Doris is putting price stickers on stuff
Herschel is trying to tear open a bag of cotton batting.
This, and the arrival of approximately 56 minivans, five more trucks with horse trailers and Corgi Excitement Screaming alert Cunt Magnifique that something is happening outside.
Madame saunters off her porch up to Doris and Demands to know what's happening, you're supposed to notify the neighborhood and get a permit to-"
Doris, surrounded by her pack of silver wolves, shouts. "OH HELLO! EVERYONE, THIS IS MARCIA. I'VE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT MARCIA." >:)c
... further details in a bit I think the Vikings are here.
~`* SOMEONE'S GETTING FIRED!!*`~
OK so.
You know those high school house parties you see in movies, where the person invites only a few friends, but those friends call their friends, and those friends call THEIR friends and soon like 500 people show up to one house and someone calls the cops and that one John Mulaney sketch with "SCATTER!" happens?
Old people will 100% do this too, except instead of a house party it's an estate sale on a wednesday afternoon and when the cop shows up there are lawyers present and he is in DEEP SHIT because his wife just spent the afternoon admitting to doing a bunch of wildly illegal shit on tape.
So when we left off, the party had really started getting underway, because Marcia the Cunt Magnifique had decided to crash the estate sale and whine about "we're supposed to coordinate garage sales as a neighborhood" and "your friends are blocking traffic on this cul-de-sac while nobody is home" weh weh-
DeeDee is about ready to throw hands but she is nowhere near the most dangerous of the Silver Silver Wolves.
That's Dr. Ruth.
Dr. Ruth turned 99 this year and went paragliding for her birthday
So you understand just how hard she goes
Dr. Ruth sort of hobbles over and point-blank asks "So I understand you've been trying to start a homeowner's association?" :3c
Marcia
Entirely misunderstanding how much danger she's in
Starts enumerating the TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS of trying to start one, because SOME PEOPLE DON'T RESPECT AUTHORITY and all the paperwork and talking to people and she even had to ask HER HUSBAND. A SHERRIF. To go around and hand people stuff to sign.
Some people, right?
Dr. Ruth nods. Some people. She agrees.
You know.
Her son is a lawyer.
Why doesn't she give him a call?
Marcia, a Moron: Oh that'd be great!
Dr. Ruth, hobbling back to Doris: "Don't worry. David will handle this."
Meanwhile
The Friends-Of-Friends and the Friends-Of-Friends-Of-Friends are arriving, lured in because they heard the words "Longarm Sewing Machine" and "Hand-made quilts"
Various factions present include but are far from limited to: -Probably Six Quilt Guilds -The Denver Art League -The Denver Leather League -The Vikings -The Klingons -The Colorado Wild Game Share -A Pack of Scientific Illustrators -A Pack of Assorted Scientists they brought with them -The Sheep Lesbians -The Horse Lesbians -Three Extremely Competent Finnish People (My Scientific Illustration Professor and her sisters) who immediately take over the estate sale and turn it into an auction to maximize profit and keep the taxes in order.
Someone brings two additional Corgi called "Cap" and "Bucky"
They are Pembroke Corgi, and weigh about 21lbs apiece
Herschel is a Cardigan Welsh Corgi and weighs 42lbs because he's hug even for a Cardigan, and is Delighted with his New Minions.
They worship him as a God and follow him around so every time he sticks his face in something two smaller corgi faces immediately follow, like some kind of adorable cerberus.
Pelts and meat shares are being traded out of the backs of trucks and vans
Someone is making bratwurst.
Intrigued by the Brouhaha, Doris' neighbors emerge.
They are also Geriatric and very nervous, because Marcia has been harassing them too.
They are telling this to the members of these factions that are also lawyers.
There are at least 5 of them so far and David isn't even here yet.
I realize my realtor isn't even here.
I decide to text her.
She is somewhere in the crowd and having a nervous breakdown because She's SO LATE!!!
Ma'am.
It's 103 out.
I was just handed a freshly grilled Brat
Some bitch is incriminating herself on the lawn.
Nothing scheduled is happening.
Come sit in the yard and watch the Corgis play on the Palyskool plastic slide set. They're disassembling it like tiny furry engineers.
Have a bratwurst.
One of the Klingons appears, having physically carried my realtor through the crowd, and gently deposits her on the lawn before handing her a Bratwurst.
Diane, the Realtor, is not much older than I am, and from the preppie swaths of society that has "Never had a dog growing up" and "Didn't Know People Could Just. Make. Blankets?" and "What is this? It's like a hot dog but spicy?"
She is having a LEARNING EXPERIENCE.
One of the Horse Lesbians comes over and compliments Diane on her Dior handbag.
Diane thanks her ans compliments the apparently expensive brand scarf she has on. Do you. Know all these people?
Horse Lesbian explains that she's part of the SCA, and what that is, and that why yes. Her girlfriend Tasha is an armorer. Yes like for knights.
More Livestock Lesbians assemble.
They are pulling off shirts to show off livestock and battle scars, and biceps.
Diane is LEARNING A LOT TODAY.
I am just getting everyone's contact info and making sure Herschel does not consume his weight in bratwurst.
BWOOP!
Uh-Oh.
Marcia's Husband is here.
I step out front.
He has used the siren to largely part the crowd and pull into his driveway but it has closed around him and there is No Escape.
He starts huffing and puffing about blocked traffic and permits and the like, but this is not his usual Can-Bully-Without-Consequences crowd.
These are Grandmas.
Veterans of the 60's protest front who never let up.
He's starting to turn bright red and looks like he's about to cry and I've got my phone out to record whatever Incident is about to occur.
-And a Mercedes pulls up.
It's David.
Dr. Ruth's son.
The Lawyer.
And I emphasize that The because David is not some mere ambulance chaser.
David is the guy that the state sends to prosecute Corporate Fraud and Organized Crime and Other State Departments.
David was part of the team that took down the CO Branch of the KKK.
David is all of 5'4", very round and a balding little man that looks like the Dictonary Definition of "Nebbish" that moves with such intense confidence and authority that he pretty much has the Pillar Men Theme Blasting behind him at all times.
So when he and three other lawyers from the state's office step out of the car
Mr. Sherrif goes from red to while like color-changing octopus and I am like 50% sure he shit himself.
Because what he and Marcia have been doing is Very, Very, Very, VERY, Fucking Illegal.
"mArCiA!" he garbles. "sHuT tHe fUcK uP!"
Marcia is standing in the middle of the cul-de-sac, having spent the last 3 hours recounting to anyone who will listen about the 'measures she's had to take' and now the 5 lawyers that were here are delightedly handing over the paperwork that she had forced on Doris and her Neighbors, and pointing at all the doorbell cameras and witnesses out to the state's top prosecutor.
Friends
I ugly laughed.
FOUR HOURS LATER: -Auction wrapped up with a solid $40K to Doris' name plus pending sales on some of her larger furniture and antiques
Plus whatever David gets in damages from the county sherrif's office.
Marcia and husband are fucking busted
Herschel spent all afternoon running around and eating snacks and is passed out on the floor
Diane is "meeting up with" one of the Horse Lesbians next week.
The sewing machine went to someone else but I did open my purse and found out Doris or someone shoved a bunch of cash in there.
I'm getting ice dream and going to bed.
Putting this here because apparently Tesla wants it taken down and the og post was already deleted.
I haven't seen dancing pumpkin guy ONCE this year, are you guys okay?
FINE! I'll do it myself
Why did 12 people reblog this today??? IT IS ONLY AUGUST!!!
