Won't Back Down

James "Bravo" Elliot 30 | Executioner | Asshole ✔ protective → caring → moral ✘ aggressive → crude → rough You can stand me up at the gates of Hell and I won't back down.

[kris-shepard]

...

[kris-shepard]

[She feels stupid and utterly selfish because so many in this group that are like her. People that lost brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and maybe even children, people like and Jimmy and Bobby pretty much went through the same thing. Yet here she was acting like this. It’s selfish and Kris is almost ashamed that she’s letting it show, because she’s supposed to strong for everyone especially in light of everything’s that happened this week, but the fact that it’s him that’s with her doesn’t make it so bad. He’s seen her laid pretty low already even if wasn’t there to see her at her new absolute worst. She knows that it can’t rain forever, but today it feels like it’s raining. Kris chokes back her tears and lifts her head off of his chest, but she’s unable to look up at him.] 

But when? When does it get easier? [Kris asks as she looks down, a quiet desperation in her voice, even though she’s not expecting Jimmy to have the answer. She feels utterly stupid for even asking it, but the words leave her mouth before she can take them back and confesses something she’s never told anyone, but is probably pretty obvious to him through the hand that she’s got covering her mouth now.] Been ten months and I still have nightmares. Dreams about mostly her almost every night since it happened.

[jimmy-bravo]

{He gives a small smile when she says it, but he's not laughing at her. It's just a quiet thing because there's no date or magical number of days where everything stops hurting. Some people took to this easy, some people still are still struggling. Even if Kris isn't struggling every day, he knows by now that on her off days she takes it the hardest, and it makes him wonder again what happened to her while he was gone. Because there's something more broken about her than he remembers, and it just leaves him quiet and sad because maybe if he'd been there things would be better.} There ain't a timeline on it, sweetheart. Just life. Sorta takes over when ya not lookin'. Ya find other things ta fight for and eventually the days when ya just wanna stop and scream over what ya lost get farther apart.

{He doesn't know what to say when she tells him she has nightmares, doesn't have any advice for that one. He doesn't know how she or anyone is supposed to stop those, he's not a psychiatrist and he doesn't have any good advice. He's got basic sensitivity training but that doesn't teach him how to deal with the apocalypse and that's always been his problem. He keeps his hands on her arms, running soothingly up and down her skin and even after the words leave his mouth they sound weak. He wishes he had more to offer her except those vague promises of 'it'll get better' but he doesn't know what else there is. It's part of why he had to drag Bobby off just so the two of them could try and get their heads on straight, and he wonders some days how straight is his. But it's not about him right now and he doesn't try to make it that way, because it's her little sister's birthday.} Maybe ya need ta talk about her? What ya remember, anyway.

[kris-shepard]

...

[kris-shepard]

I-I’m sorry… Jimmy you don’t have to… [She apologizes even though he tells her that she doesn’t have to, but her own protest die the second they leave her mouth. Her first thoughts are that it’s stupid, she should be over it, there were worse things out there, there were other things to worry about, they just dealt with a demon, she should be strong, she shouldn’t break or cry especially now and after Mahanoy, but the way Jimmy’s got her in his arms, how his hand runs up and down her back and his words has hot tears prickling at the corners of her eyes because the mask she wears around everyone else disappears when he’s around. Her body trembles as she tries to hang on what little composure she’s been clinging to all day, but it shatters and soon there tears are streaming down her face as she sputters broken sobs into Jimmy’s chest.

She knows he said she doesn’t have to apologize, but she keeps doing it anyway. Kris knows it’s not fair when she knows Jimmy and Bobby have gone through the same loss with their own sister, but Kris can’t stop herself because right now all she can think of is that 17 year old with the sketchbook and bright smile that was the center of her universe and how she died in her arms last summer . That thought hurts her more than any wound she’s gotten in this past year. Kris cries into his chest as her arms wrap around him, forgetting about the bits of paper she had been tearing away at, and she cling to him as though he were the only thing keeping her standing. She continues to mutter a string of broken apologies over and over again. At first she apologies to Jimmy for breaking down like this when she knows she should be strong for everyone and that she shouldn’t be like this when everyone’s lost someone, and then she’s apologizing to Katie for failing to do the one thing she knew she swore to do, and Jimmy again and then back to Katie. It goes back and forth until she can’t tell who she’s apologizing to.] I’m sorry, oh god, I… I’m sorry. I just…. I still see her when I go to sleep and I just… fucking christ she would have been 18 years old!

[jimmy-bravo]

{She keeps apologizing and he just shakes his head because he doesn't need the words, but she probably knows that already. He doesn't know if she can stop herself at this point. So he just keeps his hold on her, lets her say the words if they make her feel better. It's not like he hasn't been there. Even if it was Bobby pulling the trigger, he'll still blame himself for that. He'll blame himself for all of it, for her death and the fact that Bobby had to be the one to do it. But the guilt, the blame, it's not a living thing anymore. It's a feeling he's aware of if he stops to think about it, but it's one he can live with. He doesn't think Kris is at that point yet. The guilt is still strong and the blame still falls heavy on her shoulders. And he's not smart enough to have the right words to make it better. All he's got is a hand on the back of her head and another trying to soothe that tension from her shoulders.}

I know. It's alright. {He doesn't though, not completely, but he can understand and so he tells her the words anyway, without judgement. Seventeen was too young, but then there were a lot of dead kids in the world now. It's just different when it's your own flesh and blood.} It's gonna get easier. Won't ever forget, but I promise it's gonna get easier. Can't rain forever, yeah?

[kris-shepard]

...

[kris-shepard]

[Thinking about was enough to cause Kris’s to hurt, but saying it out loud makes it feel like it’s being ripped apart. She folds her arms over her stomach as though she were trying hold herself together. And maybe that’s what she’s doing right now because no one needed to see her like this. On one hand, it almost seems silly to be hung up on something like this given how much time has passed and what happened with the demon this week, but the other hand… it’s Katie. Katie who was not just her little sister, but Kris’s everything and she knew and felt that even if she couldn’t remember their life together no matter how how much she wished she could. When Jimmy places a hand on her shoulder, she crushes her eyes shut and steps towards him. She buries her head into his chest, slowly her arms unfold and her hands grip at the fabric of his shirt.] I-I’m sorry. It’s just…she… she would have been 18 today. And I just…

[jimmy-bravo]

{His face falls when hers does, but he doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her, holding her head against his chest with one hand while the other runs soothingly up and down her back. He's not great at this, isn't completely sure what to say, but he keeps up the motion so she knows he's there at least, so she can be whatever she needs to be right now. If she's not okay, he doesn't mind, because that's all of her family she's lost, regardless of how much she's got left of them.} Shh... don't gotta apologize. It's alright. I get it.

[kris-shepard]

...

[kris-shepard]

Splitting a dead bird and squirrel, sounds like a cute date night idea. [Kris laughs a little bit, but the quiet laughter fades soon enough Kris is looking down at her. Part of her doesn’t want to say anything because Jimmy looks like he’s a better mood today and telling him what’s on her mind might just ruin that, and there’s that part of her that thinks she should just shut up about her own problems. But on the other hand she wanted to keep being honest with him. She bites her lower lip for a moment before she speaks up, shaking her head a bit.] I was just… thinking. [Kris pauses for a moment because thinking about it hurts and saying out loud is difficult. It makes her voice small and quiet.] It’s…It’s Katie’s birthday… 

[jimmy-bravo]

{His face falls at her answer, and it makes it harder to keep up the joke so he lets it go. He watches her for a moment and he knows it's gotta be hard, because from what she's told him she doesn't have those memory's to go with it. A face, a name, a birthday, those are all small pieces and compared to living memory they seem like more torture than anything else. He knows he wouldn't trade his memories of his sister for anything, even knowing what happened to her, and he can say Bobby feels the same. He holds his arm out, but doesn't wait for her to come to him before he's settling his hand on her shoulder and trying to pull her closer.} Come here.

[kris-shepard]

...

[kris-shepard]

[She feels a pang of guilt once the words leave her mouth because she wanted to always be honest with him especially after keeping the whole demon thing a secret from him until it was too late, but it was a gut reaction and she spoke before she could even think. Still, she’s grateful he plays along and it makes it a bit easier for her to smile as she finally brings herself to look over at him.] Nope. Epic battle but they both ran off before either of them could finish it. Besides… don’t think there’d be enough meat to cook. They were kind of tiny.

[jimmy-bravo]

Well that's a damn shame. Might've been enough ta split at least. {He snorts, giving a shake of his head before he leans against the wall next to her. He wants to ask but he doesn't want to push, and when he stops to think about it there's a lot he's let slide because of that. He pushed more before they left, because not a lot of people did where Kris was concerned. That thought's enough to make him ask.} Ya gonna tell me what's really on ya mind?

[kris-shepard]

...

[kris-shepard]

[Kris is there physically, but her brain is miles away and it’s been like that for most of the day. She doesn’t even hear Jimmy come up beside her and is only aware of that he’s beside her when he finally speaks. Her shoulders jump slightly and that distant look in her eyes disappears, but only slightly. Kris glances down and shakes her head slightly before looking out ahead of her and nodding her head as she tries to smile.] Squirrel picking a fight with a bird. You missed out. Bird put up one hell of fight.

[jimmy-bravo]

{He smirks at her answer, though her reaction makes him think she's lying. He's not sure everything that's been on her mind lately, but probably more than him because she knew the whole demon thing was coming. Still, he doesn't want to guess if it was that or something else, so he just offers her a smile and plays along.} Either of 'em die? Think we can cook 'em?

[kris-shepard]

...

[Kris has been sitting outside all day, her back to the museum and hasn’t moved a single inch. To everyone that might be looking out the window, it looks like she’s just keeping watch, but as she gazes out at the street before her as she sits at the edge of the curb, there’s something different. Her normally focused stare is distant and passive as it scans the street for trouble. Kris’s scarred fingers slowly rip away at the piece of paper in her hand before she curls the digits inward and tucks the bits and pieces into her palm. She’s not going through a mental checklist of all the things she felt like she needed to do for the time being. All that was thrown out the window when she woke up and checked through the drawers of the apartment she finally decided to call her own and she found a calendar for 2014 in a drawer. Kris wasn’t good at keeping track of dates, but she’s been keeping track of the number of days that had passed since the demon showed up. Today was February 28th and Katie would have been 18 years old.]

[jimmy-bravo]

{Jim's in a better mood today, because most everything seems to have gone back to whatever passes for normal around here. They could probably go for another food run, if there's anything left to raid, and he has the idle thought that he should've learned how to shoot his own turkeys or something. He pauses when he sees Kris, and he can't see her face because she's looking outside, but he hasn't spent as much time as he'd like with her lately and he knows that's his fault. So he sidles up next to her, resting his hand against the wall so he can look outside.} What're we lookin' at?

[kris-shepard]

Great...

[kris-shepard]

[Kris scoffs and laugh at that and give Jimmy a pointed look as she kneels on the counter and continues to pluck cans from the higher shelves. She’s sure to keep her movements slow because she likes having his hand on her waist and wants to keep it there for as long as she can.] I’m 5’ 6” that’s not that short. [When he brings up her injuries, her smile softens and she nods her head. She takes the last can and a unopened box of cereal from the top shelf before she carefully turns around and sits on the counter and lets her legs dangle over the edge. She reaches for his hand and pulls him a bit closer.]  They’re already starting to scar over so yeah, I’d say so.  [Kris says, hoping that’s assuring to him because she remembers the worry on his face when he saw her in the bathroom trying patch herself up.] You been doing alright?

[jimmy-bravo]

Shorter'n me. {He flashes her another grin, reaching up to take the cans from her and settle them on the counter. Food supplies were low, and if he'd had his head a little more in the game then maybe he would've been doing the same. He'd been doing his best but he didn't think it couldn't for much because he hadn't been alright seeing Sam like that and it was for more than just the absence of kid brother that had him sitting by his side half the time. And there's guilt at that thought, because maybe if he'd been around then Kris wouldn't have new scars on her side, regardless of how well they were healing. He keeps the thoughts to himself right now though, because if nothing else it's over and done with, and she's dragging him closer.} Yeah, alright. Can't get clear a this place soon enough, but that ain't my call. How 'bout you?

[kris-shepard]

Great...

[kris-shepard]

[Kris glances over her shoulder, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips at the familiar voice. Though it vanishes momentarily at the mention of tomato paste and pumpkin filling.] Ugh, guess you’re right about that. [She chuckles quietly as she places her own hand the one he’s got on her waist.] Nah, ladders are boring and make things easy. This is more fun. [She jokes before she’s looking around.] Wait, is there a ladder around here?

[jimmy-bravo]

No idea, sweetheart, just bein' a smartass 'cause ya short. {He flashes her a bright grin, keeping his hand where it is to steady her if she's going to be crawling around on countertops. Not to mention there's an awareness that he hasn't been around much lately, and while they've both had their own jobs to do, it doesn't mean he hasn't missed her.} Ya look like ya healin' up alright.

[kris-shepard]

Great...

Beans, beans, okay can of corn that’s different, and more beans… [Kris mutters as she pulls cans from the shelves one by one. Most of the apartments had been taken by other people in the group and this one of the few that hadn’t been taken so figured she could raid it for supplies since Tessa was already out there on a food and supply run of her own and from the looks of it, no one had been through this one apartment just yet.  Kris makes a bit of face when she looks down at the can of beans before sighing.] Well, food’s food. [Kris says as she packs them up in the bag she brought up and starts climbing onto the counter to get to the stuff she can’t quite reach.]

[jimmy-bravo]

Better'n tomato paste and pumpkin filling. {Jim says the words loudly as he saunters into the room. He could hear her voice from the hallway, and he doesn't hesitate to come up behind her and rest a hand on her waist.} Ya need a ladder or somethin'?

[jimmy-bravo]

Do you think Kris is a good leader?

'Course I do, son. Just dunno if she thinks she is.

[kris-shepard]

[Kris looks down at herself and instantly understands why Jimmy’s saying that it’s not okay. She looked like hell. Maybe at some point she might had made joke, something about chicks digging scars on guys so did it work the same way for guys and scars on girls, but not today. Not after the week they had. She watches him step forward and doesn’t protest when he turns her. It’s been hell, but she still tries to find the silver lining and what’ “okay” about this whole thing because she needs to be strong.] I’m alive… I’m still here. That’s pretty okay in my book. [Kris says quietly as she looks up at him before she’s shaking her head.] No, Omar’s out of it right now… he was shoved down the stairs and he hit his head pretty bad and I haven’t seen Rose… [There’s a pang of guilt in that because on the one hand she probably should have seen someone else, but they needed all their preachers at full strength, Kris figured she could take one for the team and deal with some pain for a while. She’d get better after all.]  But Tessa and Charlie helped me out. 

[jimmy-bravo]

Guess that's somethin'. {He says it, but it still feels like a small consolation when she's cut up like this. Still, he tries to just be grateful that she's not hurt worse, and maybe it's selfish of him to think he can keep either of them undamaged and unbroken these days. It just feels heavier today, with Sam laid up and Bobby doing his best to hold it together for him, and now his woman's carved up and he didn't even know it happened. He tries to manage a smile for her though, because he thinks she needs one, and then does his best to focus on cleaning her wounds out, doing his best to be gentle. His fingers are calloused and he's not sure he's good at this part, but he tries for her anyway.} Long as ya stay that way, huh? {He gives a small frown, his attention shifting briefly back to her face.} Omar doin' alright?

[kris-shepard]

[Kris winces and groans when she gets the bandages curling around her torso and the more she unwinds them, the more bright red, jagged and healing cuts she reveals. She takes a step back for a moment before she lets the used bandages drop in the sink. In the bright light and now that she’s alone she really takes a moment to see how bad the damage is. If it weren’t for her power, she probably would have stayed on the floor after the attack and she probably would be dead. Her eyes travel down to the bullet scar in her side and part of her silent wishes that the demon raked it’s claws over that particular scar so it would be erased and replaced with a new one. Her thoughts are interrupted when she hears the door creak open followed by a familiar voice. She doesn’t even have to look at his reflection in the mirror to know who it is. Kris slowly turns around and sees the worry on his face and she can’t find her voice for a good few seconds because she can only imagine what’s going through his head right now.] Demon… a few nights ago, but I’m okay. [Kris adds that last part quickly.] 

[jimmy-bravo]

{He frowns at the answer, shaking his head as he comes over to her. The marks are vicious and that becomes more and more obvious the closer he gets. He makes another noise, a hiss of breath because he didn't even know this happened to her and he wasn't there to protect her.} That ain't okay, babe. Tell me how that's supposed ta be okay. {He reaches for her, turning her half towards him so he can get a better look at the vicious cuts before he starts casting around for some way to patch her up.} Ya have anyone look at this? Omar? Rose?

[kris-shepard]

[Kris places on the of the small camping lanterns on the counter and turns it on, illuminating the dark bathroom. She knows that she should be out there right now, but she just needs a second. She just needs a minute to patch herself up and change the bandages on her body. She can survive a lot and recover from anything, but she’ll be damned if she lets an infection take her out and keep her from doing her job.  Kris sighs as she looks in the mirror, she looks tired and strung out, but she quickly hardens her stare and squares her jaw, the same thing she did when she was on the outside when there were others around and forces herself to look more alert. She places the fresh bandages on the sink and with a grunt, Kris moves and to take her shirt off so she can get to work.] 

[jimmy-bravo]

{Bobby's watching Sam for the moment, and it's one of the few times Jim can pull himself away. It's harder to leave him there with anyone else, especially with the word 'demon' ringing in his head. But he trusts his brother whether he should or not, and it gives him a chance to try and find his girl, because he's worried about her too. He finally tracks her down in the bathroom, but the moment he sees her any sense of relief is gone.} Jesus. {He lets out a harsh breath when he sees her before making his way forward, tilting his head to try and get an eye on the damage. And there's a sense of guilt because he didn't know about this, and it makes him wonder what else he's been oblivious to.} The hell happened?

[robyn-byrd]

[Robyn wipes at her eyes again, giving a small shrug.] Just a couple people, I guess. [She breaks then, putting a hand over her eyes as the sobs threaten to come.] You know if he is the demon, he’s the one that shot Sam. Do you know what that’s going to do to him?

[jimmy-bravo]

Yeah. {His first response is to ask her if she knows what he's going to do to him if he is, but he tries his hardest to remember it wouldn't be him pulling the trigger. But he wonders what that's going to do to Sam too, though knowing him he'll forgive it all. He runs a hand over his face and tries to focus on her, because it's already taking a number and he tries not to wonder too hard how long it was until she figured it out.} Alright, just be careful. We spook him could end bad. See if we can't come up with a plan or somethin' first. {He tries to smile but it's weak at best. And he's torn between going to deal with this now and the girl sobbing in front of him. He shifts forward to put an arm around her shoulder and he tries not to let it remind him of Rachel.} More worried about you right now, yeah?

[robyn-byrd]

[Robyn’s face falls at that. She trusts Jim, she does. With everything. But this is Eli. Her Eli and she has to believe it wasn’t him.] It’s not him, I swear. There’s something making him do this. 

[jimmy-bravo]

Alright. {He lets out a breath and tries to believe her, because she would know better than anyone else at this point. He knows who the kid used to be and he's not the kind of asshole he would trust around Robyn, but Sam seems to think he's changed and so does his woman so he doesn't argue it to either of them.} Who else knows?

[robyn-byrd]

[Robyn nods, running the back of her hand across her eyes. She hates that she has to agree to it, but she follows up quickly afterwards because she doesn’t want him to think that Eli did this on purpose.] Yeah, but it wasn’t him. I know it wasn’t him. 

[jimmy-bravo]

{He nods his head slowly at the words, but it's not acceptance, not fully. He'd like to think he could believe her if it comes down to it, but he's not sure that's true.} Ya sure it ain't him 'cause that's really what ya think or 'cause ya don't want it ta be?