Chase the dream.

강진주 . 27 . Toronto - IG: jin.jriver Other Main Tags: personal || story - Quotes

[jinjriver]

Personal struggles.

A handleful of people know about my daily battles with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts, but little about my struggle with bulimia. I decided to write bits and pieces of my daily struggle and my thought process of when certain things happen.

I chose to start writing about my dangerous on and off battle with bulimia because my mom had pointed out to me the signs of me falling into it again is showing. I had no clue I was starting to go through the motions again. But I’ve noticed my gag reflex has become almost automatic, and the feeling of pinpricks all on my face would start. My body would for the most part, automatically reject food right after I finish eating, but worse, lately it happens during my meal.

I honestly sometimes feel like I’m going crazy. I want to eat, but the guilt soon after is so strong. When I “clean out my stomach” after a meal, my conscience is clear. But at what price?

I’m currently trying to control my eating in hopes that I wouldn’t be tempted to regurgitate everything back up . Hopefully I can pull through soon, because my struggle with bulimia started at the age of 11, and it wasn’t pretty.

[jinjriver]

I’ve been watching some YouTube couples lately and... Most have put up a “how we met” video where they talk about the beginning of their love story, their struggles and their future goals. It made me think how a little unorthodox my boyfriend and I’s story began. For those who don’t already know, I’m dating Terrence Lewis Jr. better known as T to his subscribers. He does mostly reactions, but lately he’s been expanding his gaming channel as well (...still waiting on a horror game play). Funny thing is, to my followers here on tumblr who remember some of my now deleted posts about “how crazy would it be for an idol/celebrity to fall for a fan”... well, it happened. He doesn’t see himself as a YouTube celebrity at all, but to the me a couple months back, he was. I think I’ve got Tumblr to thank for this, but I’ve learned to separate what they do vs the person they are behind the glitz and glam of the camera; they struggle with their lives as well. And just like that, what I saw was not “youtuber” Terrence but just, Terrence. Idk if I’m allowed to talk about this but I reached out to him when he was quitting reactions. He wasn’t sure on how he wanted to grow his channel and so I messaged him shortly after seeing his tweets. (Yes I slid into his DMs... ayeee) I told him that change will be inevitable and no matter what he decides to do, he’ll always have my support. It was also at this point I officially used “pretty eyes” as his nickname. I could say “And the rest was history.” But our story doesn’t end there, not even close. He and I became friends because of our love for coffee. I still remember he made a small clip of himself making me a cup and I can truly say that was the first time he made my heart skip. Shortly after, it was apparent that he still lived his own life, dating and such. Nothing much of a surprise, but what did surprise me was when he approached me for my opinions on certain aspects of his life. We were on friendly terms but I didn’t think he’d trust me enough to talk to me about these things. On my side however, the more we talked the more my feelings for him grew. At the time it felt careless of me to even begin wishing he’d ever replicate these feelings. Needless to say, I was low key jealous when he began to talk to another girl but don’t get me wrong, I knew where the boundaries were. It was then I realized I was lucky enough to have this amazingly sweet guy as a friend, and even luckier to be someone he could confide in. I’d cheer him on and tell him not to give up so easily when it came to his love life (aka the girl he was talking to at the time). I wanted him genuinely happy. Eventually we were having a serious conversation about how people were born with red strings attached to their fated half, there are short strings, and some longer than others. Some have knots representing bumps in the road, temporary people, temporary relationships. And some may or may not find their life long partner. I pushed it off as just me over thinking when I felt like he was talking about “us”. What ever “us” was, or even if there WAS an “us”. There was also that jollibee commercial that he reacted to, and I related to on a more personal level. Having to see someone you like, like another person. Encouraging them to pursue their crush while you can do nothing else but just watch and just stick around. He said, you’d have to be mentally strong to not walk away from such a situation. Couldn’t have agreed more. Couple weeks later certain things happened and before I knew it, he and I had transitioned to become more than friends but a little less than a relationship. I could tell that he was slightly hesitant concerning specific details about us. So was I. We were, at this point in a flirtationship, unofficially official you can say. I still had little confidence to say what we were out loud. To be fair, we’ve never really addressed what we were, just that the feelings were mutual and had been for a while now. On September 11th 2017, I remember finally asking him, “what am I to you? what would you say if someone asked who I was?” The dreaded question anyone would dodge to ask if possible. I wanted to know where I stood with him, and it was then he finally said it out loud. “My girlfriend.” He said a couple more things but I just remember my heart fluttering knowing that this was it. He said it. I’m his. It’s nearing a month since we’ve made it official, a couple months now that we’ve been friends, and close to a year that I was just his fan. It’s still sometimes a little surreal when he shows me YouTube behind the scene and only then I go “oh right, my man is a youtuber.” He says I laid out my trap the moment I called him ‘pretty eyes’ but he had me at hello. Let’s be real (babe don’t act too proud because I said this). Between us two, he’s said that I’m more level headed and practical. So I admit, I’m still a little nervous at what both of our future brings but nevertheless excited for the adventures that lie ahead of he and I. One day at a time, I’ve always said. I am certain of something though, that this man has become someone very important to me in so many ways. So, Terrence thank you for being a part of my life, I can’t wait to see what kind of trouble we’ll bring in the future. Definitely an unexpected love story; after all how many can say they got a youtuber to fall for them? 자기야...아이러브유 ㅋㅋㅋ

[jinjriver]

40 random facts.

1. Biggest fear: clowns, dolls, plane crashes, and natural disasters. (terrence lewis jr. seducing women with his eyes haha. I'm not playing)

2. Top of my bucket list: swim with the sharks

3. Never been arrested. But once was involved with them, twice.

4. Worst habit, I sometimes pull out random strands of hair.

5. Super power for one day would be... teleportation.

6. First thing I would do if I won the lottery, sleep in cause shiiiiit I quit work.

7. Favorite morning cartoons as a kid, were actually pretaped by my dad lol. They use to consist of the original carebears, alvin and the chipmunks, snorks, garfield, smurfs, muppets (cartoon) The Jetsons, etc. (1980's cartoons were the bomb, just saying)

8. Harry potter book 4. Mum and I were going through really hard times with the family, she worked long hours to put food on the table, put me through school, and cloth me all by herself. She came home one day smiling ear to ear, told me to close my eyes then places it in my hands. Best day ever.

9. Mum knows me the best. hands down.

10. Relationship breaker: Adoption should be an option. If that's not an option for our future, I'm not going to waste time on you.

11. Infinite money over infinite love. Let's be real.

12. R&B.

13. I like my hair petted. :)

14. My dream career growing up as a child a pathologist.

15. I'll pass on being a celebrity. I like being a regular wall flower.

16. Something inspired me recently?... him. Honestly to just want to be an over all well rounded stable person to prepare myself for what ever the future hands out to me.

17. Roll model? Mum, she's showed me what it means to be truly strong in the face of adversity.

18. The thing i'm most proud of myself? Still being alive.

19. Worst thing about dating? Not knowing where you really stand with the person.

20. Pet peeves? Over thinking and nail biting.

21. Nicest thing can someone say to me? You've changed my life.

22. Sushi.

23. Type of guy I'm attracted to: Terrence Lewis Jr.

24. Lazy car ride in the night to the beach, in comfy sweats, listening to chill music with fluffy pillows and blankets in the back seat. Oh and a hot cup of coffee.

25. Mum everyday, dad's convos: hi, goodnight, time to eat, lets go to ______, hows _______.

26. I date you, I date only you.

27. No current pets, but I did have fishes, a dog named tyson, and a bird named charlie. I also have this squirrel fam that nests near my window during the winter and it's been 4 years since they keep coming back to roost. They also don't allow anyone near their babies except me.

28. In highschool this guy who was dating my girl on the down-low and turned out he was playing her. He had another 2 girlfriends from different schools so we chased after him after school, egged him and threw toilet paper at him... drive by egging?

29. Most treasured memory, lying next to my grandmother on her birthday. She kept petting my hair while saying "my grandchild". I'm the only direct cousin that lives abroad so coming home to visit would be only once ever 5 years or so.

30. Just recently moved to Canada, so second hand things were the norm. It was recess and was playing ball. I was wearing leggings when these older students who were near by started pointing and laughing at me. I looked down and there was a rip in my leggings. Not because I ripped them, but because they were bought at a thrift store.

31. 3 things to take with me if my house on fire: My bag (it has all my essentials lmao), laptop, and my jewelry.

32. Trust with my life? Mum, she's been my ride or die since day one.

33. If I were to wake up in a different body tomorrow, hands down, Simon D. hahahaha Deep voice, can rap, sing, and official celeb crush number 2. But seriously though I'd actually pick any male, cause I want to know how it is to have a dick lmao.

34. Favorite book? Harry potter series. Don't fight me on this when I say best series ever.

35. Shove that 40k up your ass. Say no to roaches.

36. If I were given a chance to change my name it'd be to Melody Song.

37. Messiest person I know, is me hahahahhahaahahanolieshahaha.

38. Favorite piece of clothing I own? My hoodie.

39. Beatles - Michelle Ma Belle.

40. My grandfather. The use of the money we would send to him for his clothing and food needs wasn't actually used for just himself. It was only after he passed away and talked to people visiting the funeral just how big of an impact he's done for the community. He hid it from his children, but we were so proud to find out that he used that money to help feed street kids, rebuild the roof of their local church, and then finally finance the local basketball team for their jerseys, and funds to enter competition for nationals. (they won btw, and honored my grandfather.)

[jinjriver]

Confession:

If even for just one night... it’s my curiousity that’s driving me insane. 

[jinjriver]

지겨워.

아직 맘이 아파서 아직 눈물이 나서 못 한 말 아직 남아서 다 주지 못 한 사랑이 네게 전하지 못 한 말 네게 다 주지 못 한 말... 다 지겨워 매일 똑같은 말 다 지겨워

너를 더 잡지 못한 말... 나 후회 또 후회뿐인 나 다 지겨워 왜 도대체 매일 같은 이유로 맴도는 지 난

다 지겨워 아직 생각이 나서 아니 무슨 일을 하던 계속 너의 생각만 나서

너를 더 잡지 못한 말. 나 후회 또 후회... 또 소용없는 후회뿐인 나 다 지겨워.

[jinjriver]

울리지마.

참 오랜만에 열어봤던 맘; I really am just a fool. 

 I thought I finally could trust someone completely, to be able to take things slow without any pressure, to be able to just... be me. What's worse is that I don't believe he did anything  wrong. Maybe I was the only one who really thought I had a chance. Anxiety and depression is telling me that I played myself. That I, like an idiot went ahead of myself... 그래 이게 겁나서.

[An illusion.]

I somehow knew... that tonight, something just didn't feel right. Kept saying, "I saw this coming." but it still doesn't take away from the fact this hurts so much more than I thought it would. I couldn't even open my mouth without wanting to cry. But I should be used to this, being passed up for another.

[It still hurts.]

I can't help think that I'm over reacting to this whole situation. What right do I have to think or feel this way, when there was really nothing between him and I.  

And anyways, who would want someone that's broken?

내 맘은 울고 입은 웃어. 솔직한 내가 날 숨겨... 니 앞에선.

눈물이 고이지만

You have only yourself to blame, Michelle.

[그냥 포기하자...]

[jinjriver]

"Mirrored" - [🔞read at your own risk]. - 강진주.

[jinjriver]

"Take one." - 🔞 read at your own risk. [강진주]

[jinjriver]

Toronto vips, we're beautiful. - 073017 - ➕G Dragon ACT III: M.O.T.TE.➕Toronto. [please credit if a picture is used] → IG: jin.jriver ← for more vid clips & pictures.

[jinjriver]

073017 - ➕G Dragon ACT III: M.O.T.TE.➕Toronto. [please credit if picture is used]

[jinjriver]

으이구ㅋㅋㅋ진짜오랜만이다... 다들잘지냈엉? - revamped tumblr, so expect: personal stories, 19+ writing, and a little bit of everything.