Suddenly two months have passed!
Before I started T, people would ask me if I was gonna make those videos where I show the progress etc. and I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do that or not.
I want to document it, so I have been making a few videos(If I use them or not, I’ll see about later), but honestly what I think is more important, and that I hope other people too can find inspiring maybe, is to think about NOW most of all, over focusing only on chasing the next step on the transition.
It’s important to remember that in those videos, it seem like everything happens so quickly, it’s easy to forget how long 2-3-6 months actually is.
Obviously I was dysphoric before starting T, but from the moment I found out I would need to go through with transitioning, and from the moment I found out that I WOULD be getting T eventually, I slowly started to try work on my feeling and thoughts about my body and social gender.
It’s important to know that even if testosterone will change your body, at some point there’s just so much T can do for you. To me, to think that I would ever be happy about living in my body was absurd. How can people talk about self love, are they just lying? Are they just trying to convince themselves? But I knew that by starting T, by transitioning socially and be open about my gender identity, it would be better. And when I start T, when the hormone has done its job, the rest is up TO ME.
I don’t know if it makes sense. In short: I want to be happy about my body once T has done its magic, even if that doesn’t mean my hips are gone and even if I don’t look as masculine as I hope. And that doesn’t come free, I need to work for it.
AND I’m starting to feel it already, two months on T!
It’s still early, super early actually, in the transition. I will probably have moments where I feel more dysphoric again, but lately I’ve been feeling great.
I try to focus on the little changes I see every week, and cherish them. I try to enjoy the process rather than wish it went on quicker (I would love that too, but it’s not gonna happen so I want to be realistic)
My situation probably has a lot to do with why I’m able to enjoy the process. I feel safe with the people around me, I feel comfortable at work and I’m “old”. Closing in on 30, and I don’t need to be around people who stress me or don’t respect me.
Before starting T, I was already working out 4 times a week. After T, I’ve been gaining muscles so quickly and suddenly been able to add a lot of weight to my lifting!
I noticed that on my chest, I’ve always been able to feel the ribs over my bobs, and my collar bone has always been very visible. Now there’s a layer of padding over it. I never seemed to be able to build muscle on my chest, but now I have. My bobs aren’t smaller or anything, but with the extra layer of muscle/fat on my chest, they kinda blend in more and the visible chest when I wear a binder feel more like a masculine chest. Which means I feel a lot less dysphoric about it. (Which is good because something tells me I won’t get a top surgery in like 2-3 years...)
I’ve got some thin whiskers on my lip and some longer, thin thin hair under my chin. My face feels rounder. My junk has grown, actually more the last week I think.
I think a lot about sex. I wouldn’t say I’m horny all the time (Or maybe I am?) I just... think about it a lot. And about boobs... and butts... I’m pan, so I find both masculine and feminine bodies attractive, but it feels like now that I’m fully accepting my masculinity and letting go of my (non existing) femininity, I’m letting myself go more and I feel like I can... mentally express my desires and admiration for femininity. Before I guess I didn’t want to think about it because it was making ME feel feminine, blargh! Kinda like when you see a hot dude and you don’t know if you’re lusting for that body, or if you want to BE that body. Now I’m more able to separate myself from it and look at the feminine body without relating it to my own body, if that makes sense...
My voice is constantly changing too, and I love it. It feels like it’s getting a little deeper every day, but also constantly hoarse. I’m a little worried my voice will crack without me meaning to, but if that happens I’m sure we’ll just get a good laugh.
(whenever I think about my pathetic mustache I giggle a little mentally. It’s hilarious! And I wonder how long it can grow before I should shave it off)
Oh, one last thing. When I was supposed to get my monthly week, it didn’t come YES!!! I’M FREE! Then a few days later, I dreamt that I got it and my immediate thought was “Ugh, of course, it was too good to be true...”, but it IS TRUE. Even my dreams are staying realistic and not expecting too much haha. But so far so good. I know things can happen in the future, but for now it seems like I’m free from that feminine curse. (I’m joking when I call it “a curse”. I just always found it easier to make names to things that made me feel dysphoric, to make it less feminine)
Conclusion: T is good, but happiness doesn’t come free. You gotta work for it, give yourself a slack and appreciate the little things.
