jlh

Amphigories of life in NYC. Follow @jlhager !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0];if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js";fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document,"script","twitter-wjs"); var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-21029161-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })();

[jlhager]

You have 24 hours

Birthday wishlist:

1. travel bag

2. card case

3. pointy flats

4. perfume

5. sandals

6. more sandals

7. soul cycle

8. sneakers

[jlhager]

See ya later NYC, beaching it in Weekapaug until Sunday.

[brookesnooks-deactivated2015030]

a reminder.

[jlhager]

Perfect mantra.

[jlhager]

Pastry PSA

THIS is a macaron.

THIS is a macaroon.

Please acknowledge the apparent differences and abide by the proper spellings. It's not that difficult.

[jlhager]

Typical case of the Mondays. I feel ya, buddy.

[jlhager]

Puck you, Miss.

[jlhager]

I want to be friends with Jennifer Lawrence.

[jlhager]

But taking pictures of your food is so filling.

#eatitdonttweetit

[jlhager]

My favorite thing about living in NYC is watching the city come alive after it's winter hibernation. Here are some of the activities I'm looking forward to..

Outdoorsy

Bryant Park Yoga. Free outdoor yoga sponsored by Lululemon on Thursdays, May through September.

Yoga in Time Square, June 20th. Time Square is literally overtaken by yogis. You must register in advance, but get a free yoga mat and the opportunity to do a sun salutation in one of the busiest parts of the city.

Summer Streets. Park Avenue closes down, from the UES all the way downtown, the first three Sundays in August and streets are empty until noon for running, biking, and playing. There are also lots of outdoor classes, entertainment, and dumpster pools. 

Color Run, August 25th. A race where you get powdered paint thrown at you should prove to be the best run of the summer. 

Free Bike Fridays at Governors Island (and free ferry!). Every year I say "this is the summer I venture to Governors Island," and ever summer I forget to go.

Picnics in: Central Park, High Line, Bryant Park, Brooklyn Bridge Park

Art/Culture

Museum Mile Festival, June 12th. All museum mile museums have free entry from 6-9 and 5th Avenue turns into a street fair with musicians, artists, and sidewalk chalk!

Book of Mormon. I'm going on August 17th. I had to buy these tickets in December..

5Pointz. This graffiti park in Long Island City looks like a great place for a hipster photoshoot.

Summer Stage in Central Park. If tickets for your favorite band are sold out, grab a blanket, bring dinner, and hang out in the park. The stage is outside, so can still hear the music!

Outdoor movie or Rooftop Film

Shakespeare in the Park

Baseball game. Yankees or Mets?

Food/Drink

Union Pool. It involves a trek to Brooklyn, but they have live music, an outdoor patio, and a taco truck.

Shake Shack in Madison Square Park, obviously.

Warm weather is a perfect excuse to eat 16 Handles for dinner as often as possible.

Street fair food! Hester Street Fair (LES), Smorgasburg (Brooklyn Flea Market).

A lobster roll from Luke's Lobster is New England summer in my mouth.

Standard Biergarten. The best nights start at the Standard and end at Tortilla Flats.

Frying Pan. Beers on a boat, what else do you need?

Brooklyn Surfbar.Three words: Brooklyn.Tiki.Bar.

[jlhager]

How does this only have 500,000 views?

"I don't want Peeta to be dead, a pita is a pouch of bread, but that's his naaaaame."

[jlhager]

Battle of the Cute: Max

(Alternately titled, 'cheeks I want to squeeze')

[jlhager]

Battle of the Cute: Rocco

(Alternately titled, 'oopy oopy doopy doo')

[jlhager]

If you don't think PronunciationManual's videos are funny I don't think we can be friends.

[jlhager]

My brain on the Superbowl

First Quarter: Decide to watch the game, after I stop at Whole Foods to get avocados though. Second Quarter: Make guac, pretend I know what's going on with the game. Halftime: Wonder how often Lourdes is embarrassed of her mom. See Nicki Minaj and hope Sophia Grace Brownlee is going to pop up somewhere. Assume Madonna makes her children and assistants sing that "l-u-v madonna" song to her. Debate getting up and starting a dance party, but opt to keep eating guacamole instead. Third Quarter: I keep looking at the screen, but I don't know where the ball is or what's going on. Still eating guac. Ooooh whose cute baby is that? Let's keep the camera on her. Fourth Quarter: Curled up with the boyfriend pillow. People are cheering, things are happening, game is over. Does this mean my city gets a parade? What happened to that cute baby? Trophy Thing: I like the human wall, it's like they're prepping for Red Rover. Who is that cute old guy carrying the trophy? Who is that short Asian guy kissing the trophy? But really, how cute is that old guy? Aww more old people waiting on that football platform. Why is there still confetti? Does Eli Manning have an underbite or lazy eye? Something doesn't look right. Are we done? Can I continue to eat guac?

[jlhager]

The guys I assumed were tourists are asking me on dates.

In the spirit of my impending 27th birthday and Valentine's Day (that sneaky holiday pops up a week before my birthday), I virtually dusted off my online dating profile. Twenty-seven is my lucky number, which I'm hoping will be prophetic of my 27th year of life.  As is the case in most other cities, New York can be a tough city to meet people in. You're rarely alone, but constantly surrounded my strangers.

Less than 48 hours later, my inbox is overflowing with messages. Don't let this fool you, in no way means I'm super awesome. While some guys are attractive and appear normal, most are awkward, scary, and make yell "why do you think we have anything in common?!" at my computer screen. Apparently every guy on the street who I assume cannot possibly be a New Yorker because he's wearing sneakers, light denim, or some other unforgivable act is my target demographic. We all have our quirks of what we are/are not looking for, but these guys make me want to curl into the fetal position and never log back in.

So after two days, I compiled my short list of "Please do message me ifs..."

You are significantly younger or older.. or just look really young or really old.

You are a musician, artist, or some other fancy word for brooding and unemployed.

Your picture is of your boat, car, motorcycle, tractor, or that one time you got bottle service and took 500 pictures of it.

You have a picture doing something weird, likely in costume. That kooky, cute thing only works for Zooey Deschanel.

You have a beard, mustache, that chin strap thing that outlines your face, or really any other facial hair design. Who told you that looked good?

You don’t have a real name. I cannot date someone named Kobi. People, please keep this in mind when naming your child.

You’re wearing cargo shorts and/or a graphic tshirt. Unless you’re pledging a fraternity, get some grownup clothes and get back me.

You don’t even live in NYC. The Upper East Side to Brooklyn is practically a long distance relationship, so how will it work with you living in North Carolina?

You are shorter than me. Or the same height. Or only an inch taller.  

Your screenname has to do with sex or being a super cool baller.. or describes your skin color (awkward).

You wear those sunglasses that look like they belong in 'The Matrix.' I haven't seen the movie, but I have seen the movie poster and I'm not sure when those were ever acceptable.

Wish me luck and lots of wine, I'm going to need it.

[mahaldaddy-blog]

[tyleroakley]

I usually hate street performers.

Unless they’re good.

Like this guy. 

[jlhager]

Love.

[jlhager]

I'll be patiently waiting for this to become available.