Congrats! You've reached a void pit stop.

(previously my main account, go to @JeezLouiseOnCheese for my current main!) second account for reblogging purposes, if you scroll back enough I have original posts

[jloc-lurking]

Hi big account update for anyone who’s listening

I’ve been getting pretty demoralised with my art and general text posts not getting seen and I realise (I think) it’s mainly because in between my infrequent posting I’m reblogging things and that gets caught up and kinda hides my own posts so I’m doing smth I’ve seen some other tumblr users do and splitting my posting account away from my general tumblr-user/reblogging account. I think what I’m gonna do now is keep this one as my reblog account since that’s already what gets most interaction here so I figure it’ll stay just fine and start my main account anew.

I will probably be renaming this blog if I can and hopefully I’ll be able to register a new account with the JeezLouisOnCheese name with no problems

Hopefully those of you who followed for my art or fandom ramblings stick around and follow me onto my new account, but. Yeah. Just wanted to make an announcement post abt this before I do all the changes :)

[reducingemissions]

Sometimes i wake up feeling like that one panel of bruce hugging and telling damian he loves and jason is just next to him very much looking like he would die for a hug and some comfort.

[nanananannabatmaaan]

Duke, why do you have armor, I cannot render it%

[shmooseee]

me when i enter the green room that makes me hallucinate my son with his face blown off

[menacingangel]

Jason. But he’s a cat

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 18 (masterpost here)

*Alfred coming into the garden with some potted flowers to plant under the sun, all of the boys lounging by the pool nearby*

Damian, sitting on the edge of the pool and dipping his feet in the water: you do do it a lot,

Jason, sunbathing on a sun lounger, sunglasses on: because it’s kinda easy for Tim, B, Dick and I. we’re like basic barbies with interchangeable outfits.

Duke, sat on an inflatable donut in the pool: s’ cause you all have the same kinda build—that brick shithouse energy.

Tim, working on a laptop at the garden table, underneath a parasol: apart from-

Duke: -well yeah, apart from you, but i feel like when you’re smaller than the person you’re trying to imitate then it’s easy because you just pad the suit.

Tim: yeah, that’s fair. i’ve passed myself off as Jay during JL stuff on multiple occasions, it’s not hard.

Jason: *humming in agreement* and the rest of us don’t have to pad at all—unless i’m being Nightwing. then-

Dick, on a lounger next to him, already holding up a hand: -shut up-

Jason, grinning: -then i have to pad my ass a little,

Dick: *smacks him*

Tim: *snickers*

Dick: to be fair, Damian is also a part of this. Tim is easily small enough to still pass as Robin, so he could take Damian's place if we needed.

Duke: *snort of disbelief* are you joking?

Jason, also laughing: yeah- yeah Dick? Tim is the palest motherfucker we have. he ain't passing as shit. he can't even pass as you, that's why i always do it and have him pretend to be me instead.

Tim: yeah- he's right, D. you gotta admit; i'm pasty as shit.

Duke: i honestly only think he could even pass as Jason because of his mask and helmet. like- you look enough like Lady Shiva that you and B genuinely thought she was a potential match for birth mom.

Jason: that's fair. *wistful* man, i wish it had been her and not Sheila. could you fuckin' imagine if me and Cass were bio-related?

Dick, amused: the murder-twins of the Wayne family.

Jason, gesturing with his hands as if to present: the murder-twins of the Wayne family!

Tim: *snorting* regardless, i might be able to bullshit myself as Jason, but i reflect the sun off my skin enough that anybody who's ever seen Damian before would clock me as an impersonator from a mile away.

Damian: we would have to put so much fake tan on you that i think it would become problematic.

Duke: *cackles*

Dick, grinning: what if it was for a case? what if it was really important to a case, would it be problematic then?

Duke, pointing at Dick: good question. what if it was to save Damian's life?

Damian and Jason: *snickering*

Tim, incredulous: in what fucking universe is there a scenario that me dressing up in brownface would save Damian's life?!

Duke, composure cracking: i- *pause* ... ok i can't think of one off the top of my head-

Tim, indignant: RIGHT, SO-

Dick, visibly holding back laughter: no no no, we're just saying, in a hypothetical world where a scenario has occurred that means Damian's life is in danger, and the only way to save him is to dress up as Robin and pass as Damian, is it ethical?

Damian, completely solemn: *to Tim* would you do it to save me?

Tim: w- i don't- i don't know?!

Duke and Jason: *laughing*

Tim: i mean i guess i'd ask Damian. i'd be trying to pass as him so it's his opinion that matters, right?

Jason: *high-pitched weeping, covering his face with his hands* *muffled* so it's- so Damian has a gun to his head and you're just- on the phone or something with him like 'do you think it's racist if i save your life right now?'

Damian, also grinning: i'm dying and he's texting me just 'is this chill or nah?'

Duke: *wheezes*

Tim: well I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW?!

Dick, trying to keep composure: i think it's- at least part of it has to come down to the intent and motivation behind it, right? like... nobody got mad at Robert Downey Jr.

Tim, pointing: that's a fair point. in this hypothetical scenario can i call up RDJ and make him save Damian's life?

Jason: *breathless wheezing*

Damian: *cackles*

Duke, also laughing: no- *wheeze* no, it has to be you.

Tim: well i don't- what am i even doing as Robin? do i just have to walk through a room of people that know Damian as Robin without getting clocked?

Damian: maybe you just have to sit through a JLA meeting without getting caught as not me.

Tim: in what universe-

Damian: -just answer, would you save me or not?

Tim, genuinely distressed: i don't feel like there's a good answer here for me?! like- ok, i feel like this would only involve Damian, so if Damian's ok with me putting on a shitton of fake tan to save his life, then i feel like that's the thing i should care about the most, right?

Duke: so you'd save him?

Tim, still distressed: i- probably?!?!? i don't know?!

Jason: *wheezes, leaning towards Dick* he's so scared,

Dick: *silently weeping*

Damian: we're making it too easy by making it only about me,

Tim, incredulous: HELLO?

Damian: i- *wheeze* *cough* no, ok; same scenario, but you don't need to pass yourself off as me to save my life, you have to pass yourself off as Signal.

Duke: ooooooh,

Dick: *falls off his chair* *starts slapping the ground*

Tim, distraught: i don't have an answer to this?!?! why would i have an answer to this?!

Duke, instantly: *eager* no you have to. you have to answer. would you or would you not try and pass yourself off as me in order to save Damian's life.

Damian, stern: now keep in mind, Drake. if you say yes, Thomas will never forgive you. if you say no, then your baby brother will die forever, and it will be all your fault because you a hundred percent could have saved me.

Tim: *face of intense despair* WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

Duke, genuinely starting to lose it: you have to- you have to- *wheeze*

Damian, grinning at Duke: *turning to Tim* he's right, you have to answer.

Tim: i'd probably fucking kill myself to be honest.

Jason, cupping his hands around his mouth: COP OUT, BOOOOOOO

Tim: oh fuck off- what the hell am i supposed to say? it's the most unethical would you rather of the twenty-first century, there is no good outcome. like- *spots Alfred, peacefully gardening nearby* like- hey, Alfred, what would you do? what do you think?

Alfred:

Alfred:

Alfred: i think these conversations are exactly why Master Bruce won't let any of you start a podcast.

The boys:

Dick: *still weeping on the patio floor*

Damian: that's fair.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 17 (masterpost here)

*Alfred walking into the dining room to see Jason hunched over a laptop with Dick and Tim crowded around his shoulders*

Dick, pointing at the screen: ok, ok- that one's mine, follow that one. and then Tim; you need to follow everybody but Bruce.

Tim: *tapping at his phone*

Jason: Tim, what's your handle?

Tim: *still tapping* hm? oh- just 'real tim drake' with capitalisation on all the words.

Dick: what are you doing?

Tim: i have access to the WE twitter account, so i'm gonna follow Jason from it to see if i can fast-track his checkmark.

Alfred, narrowing his eyes at them: what are you three doing?

Jason, grinning brightly at him: oh, hey Alfie! we're just setting up my social media, that's all.

Alfred:

Alfred: didn't your father specifically warn you not to attempt to put Master Jason on public social media so soon after his reintroduction to the public?

Dick, without blinking: yup.

Tim: we're gonna have Jason start a public war with B through the WE account.

Dick, looking back at the laptop: are you tweeting already?

Jason: yeah. 'they tried to silence me for speaking the truth when i was a child, and i made it back just fine. i'm not gonna give up on spreading awareness now; you all deserve to know the truth.' just to get everybody interested.

Tim: what are you even gonna say? i'll re-tweet it from my account and the WE one.

Jason: i dunno, the whole point is just to spread chaos and make B look bad, right?

Dick: maybe just something weird to start off with; get everybody's attention.

Jason, lighting up: ohmygod i have it-!

*keyboard tapping*

Tim, reading out from the screen: 'Bruce had to send me out the country to silence me because when i was fourteen i walked in on him and Lex Luthor naked while Bruce licked the top of Lexes bald head'.

Dick: JASO- *falls to the floor, wheezing*

Tim, desperately trying to hold back laughter: oh my god,

Alfred: *starting to get concerned*

Jason: this way i can piss off Bruce and get Lex Luthor involved. genius, right?

Dick: *crying*

Tim: WAIT OH MY GOD--i have to respond from the WE account pretending to be Bruce.

Jason, clapping: YES,

Tim: i'm gonna say something like 'i just let you back into the country, why are you doing this to me?'

Jason, cackling: YES. man, i love being alive again,

Alfred, flatly: boys, i don't think this is a very good- *resigned* oh who am i kidding, you aren't my legal responsibility,

Alfred: tea, anybody?

Dick, from the floor: i'm gonna tweet that i'm so proud of my little brother for outliving his NDA requirements and then @ you.

Alfred:

Alfred: *heavy sigh*

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 16 (masterpost here)

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

Bruce, distraught: NO-,

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 15 (masterpost here)

Alfred, walking down the hallway: *stumbles upon Damian curled up in a ball on the floor, Tim standing over him with a baseball bat*

Alfred and Tim: *staring at each other*

Tim: *pointing at Damian* this wasn't me. he- he asked me to.

Alfred, not believing him for a second: oh he asked you to? did he?

Tim: YES.

Damian: *groans, slowly turns over and limps to his feet* ok now go for the other kneecap, i want to see if one is stronger than the other- oh.

Damian, bruised to hell and back: hello Pennyworth.

*silence*

Alfred, turning around and walking away instantly: *faintly* i swear it's no different to when Jason and Dick were younger. no different.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 14 (masterpost here) *Tim and Damian walking into the kitchen with empty mugs, putting them in the sink while Alfred cooks.*

Tim, smug: he does,

Damian, beginning to wash up: *hisses* i'm not arguing with you, i just don't see why it matters.

Tim: are you kiddi- Dami, it's your first crush!

Damian: it's not though???

Tim: ok- well, it's the first time a guy's had a proper crush on you at least. do you seriously not like him back?

Damian: *scoff* 'proper', this is Jon Kent we're talking about. he gets a crush on anybody who ruffles his hair. you should have seen the first time Jason complimented his ability to fly, i thought i'd have to kick him out the manor to get away from the puppy adoration.

Tim: he's such a sweet kid though! i thought you guys were really close, anyway, do you really not reciprocate anything romantic?

Damian: of course not. i have no interest in human relationships.

Alfred, interrupting Tim with a warning glare: and that is perfectly fine, Damian. relationships do not define us.

Tim, rolling his eyes: well yeah, obviously, all that aroace acceptance shit; i just think it would be cute to have him as a younger brother in law.

Damian: *eyebrow raise* so get over yourself and ask out the clone?

Tim, abruptly going red: i-i don't know what-

Damian, exasperatedly throwing the dish towel at him: oh for fucks sake, Drake.

Tim: IT'S COMPLICATED.

Damian, giving a disgusted look: ugh. everything's complicated with you people. fucking romance.

Tim, whining: alright, alright, i'm just mourning the potential Damian-Jon wedding, that's all.

Damian, as he walks over to open the fridge: *casual* ...oh. well there's no need for that, i still plan on marrying him.

Alfred: *drops his spoon*

Tim: ....EH?

Damian, blinking cluelessly: well it would be beneficial? he is clearly affectionate of me, which is good for loyalty, and his meta abilities make him very useful in a lot of situations, which makes him a good potential right-hand. marriage is just a business contract, after all.

*complete baffled silence*

Damian: plus, a relationship that has no possibility for producing an heir will severely disappoint my grandfather, which Jason tells me should always be a priority.

Alfred, genuinely speechless: ...and this is a plan you've... thought about?

Damian: *shrug* not much? it just seems a no brainer.

Tim: ...does Jon not get a say in this?

Damian: well i assume he'll have to say i do at some point, so yes.

Alfred: and you think this is an arrangement Jon would be ok with?

Damian: i'm sure he's fine with it.

Tim: how the hell would you know that?!

Damian, looking at them as if they're stupid: ...because he's in the manor and has super hearing? i assume that if he was against the idea he would have spoken up by now.

Alfred:

Tim:

Damian:

Jon, faintly from the other side of the manor: I'M UP FOR IT!!! WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I'M AN ADULT, DAD SAYS SO.

Tim:

Alfred:

Damian: i told you it didn't have to be complicated.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 10 (masterpost here)

*Bruce, Jason and Dick in the study, hours after Damian and Tim have gone to bed, Alfred is reading in an armchair while they drink*

Bruce, slugging a glass of whiskey: -his teacher told me that he bit the school's guidance counsellor. like... *mystified* what am i supposed to do with that information?

Jason and Dick: *both tipsy, falling over each other as they quietly laugh on the couch, drinks in hand*

Bruce, clearly also intoxicated: what does she expect me to do? get him a muzzle? it's Damian. just tell the counsellor not to piss him off!

Jason, drinking from a beer bottle: is- is he the hardest child you've had to raise?

Bruce: noooo, not even close. y'know, Tim tried to build a sonic death-ray in his bedroom a couple years ago,

Dick: *wheezing, nodding, while Jason's jaw drops*

Jason: seriously?!

Bruce, drunkenly humming: yeah, he- he was trying to add extra security to the manor after he became Robin? i think?

Dick: it didn't work though, only set fire to the curtains.

Bruce: mm. smart kid, but... boy is he weird. it's a wonder that he has friends honestly... i worry about him.

Dick: *nodding in agreement*

Jason, sighing: he'll grow out of it- they both will. coupla' years from now you'll be able to drink with them of an evening, y'know?

Dick, snickering: and B'll probably be complaining about the two new kids he's adopted.

Dick and Jason: *collapse into drunken giggles, Dick almost sliding off the couch and Jason slapping the arm, trying not to spit out his beer*

Bruce: *watching them, slowly letting a smile loose until the giggles infect him and he bursts into laughter with them*

Alfred:

Alfred: *slowly lowers his book, eyeing in judgement the three grown men drunkenly giggling together in front of him*

Alfred: do you three need me to cut you off?

Bruce, dramatic: boooo,

Jason: *draining his bottle* yeah, boo Alfie-!

Dick, whining: c'mon, it's family bonding with the older onessss!

Alfred:

Alfred, letting a begrudging smile flicker at his lips: yes, well, i suppose it is.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 4 (masterpost here)

*Alfred vacuuming a hallway*

*shuts off vacuum*

Dick, instantly audible from a nearby study: -ok well you both have… severe issues,

Tim: no i just think me and Jason are more objective than emotional about that kind of thing. like yes, child abuse is bad, but you can’t be mad about it forever.

Alfred: *pauses to listen*

Dick: no, that’s not—the question was, if your child-self appeared in front of you, crying because of the hardships he was going through at that point in his life, what would you say to comfort him?

Tim: yeah.

Dick: and both you and Jason said,

Jason: *low chuckles*

Dick, slightly louder: both of you said, that your response to your child-self would be to tell them to buck the fuck up and stop deserving it.

Jason: *laughing louder*

Tim: we’ll it’s not like we’re saying some kids deserve to be hit-,

Dick, indignant: that is exactly what you’re saying! Damian, Dami- what would you say if you got presented with your child-self?

Damian: *hums thoughtfully* …i suppose i would kill him instantly.

Dick: …what. -Jason stop fucking smiling like that.

Jason: i’m enjoying the conversation!

Tim: why would you kill him, Dami?

Damian: if a perfect copy of my younger-self appeared in front of me then i would first assume, logically, that it was a clone rather than an effect of time travel. given my past with clones i feel nipping that in the bud would be worthwhile.

*a beat*

Jason: *snickers*

Dick: ok well Damian—Damian’s in his own little world with this, so we’ll leave him out of it-

Tim: *snorts*

Dick: -but you two were still victim blaming abuse victims!

Jason: we were not- *huff of laughter* it’s not that, it’s just—ok, you aren’t allowed to call me an asshole for this,

Dick, already dismayed: oh no,

Jason: no i’m just—i feel like this is something that is horrible to say but is still objectively true. and that is that kids that have angry and violent parents are, slightly, like those kids in Africa that charities put in commercials.

Tim: ...oh i’m excited for this,

Dick: -what?!

Jason: no- listen. you hear about those places all the time, where the little kids are in deep shit because of the lack of resources or shelter, and how they keep getting sick or hurt by animals because they don’t have the ability to keep a proper roof over their heads. and it’s like. look overall, it is very sad and not at all the fault of the kids that they live in that environment, right? they don’t deserve those struggles. but on the other hand, you cannot tell me that if you heard one of those kids, who grew up in that dangerous environment and knew how to keep themselves safe within it, got hurt by a snake because they chose to poke the snake nest, that at least a small part of you wouldn’t be like…

*pointed silence*

Tim: *wheezes*

Jason: sounds like it was fuckin’ fair play by the snake. -and in the SAME WAY… little Jason Todd objectively shouldn’t have been born into a violent environment, however he was, and he knew how to fuckin’ navigate it. so if little Jason Todd shows up in front of me crying because Willis beat the hell out of him, i am at least in part going to be like… well maybe you shouldn’t have fucking thrown a shoe at him while he was drunkenly singing in the middle of the night. buck the fuck up, you know better than that Jason.

Tim: *bursts out laughing*

Dick: what is wrong with you.

Bruce, coming down the stairs in the hallway: Alfred, is everything… ok?

Alfred, still holding the vacuum: …

Alfred: i fear, sir, you may soon need to call the counsellor again.

Bruce: what are you talking about?

Tim, from the study: -no i just think that i specifically should have been a better child. i wouldn’t have deserved that comfort like you might have.

Jason: see- he doesn’t even have an excuse. at least i had scientific principles to back up my self hatred. he’s just sad.

Dick: you both have issues.

Damian: i agree with Drake.

Tim: shut up Damian.

Bruce:

Alfred:

Bruce: *sigh*

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 3 (masterpost here)

*peaceful quiet in the kitchen, Alfred cooking while Tim and Jason chill on their phones at the breakfast bar*

Tim, out of the blue: hey Jay, gotta question for you.

Jason: *hums promptingly*

Alfred: *calmly stirring a pan on the stove*

Tim: would you jerk off a gorilla?

Alfred: *pauses stirring* *refuses to look behind him*

*a beat*

Jason: *hums, remarkably open-minded* can i get more context of the conditions i'd be under?

Alfred, sighing heavily: *slowly begins stirring again*

Tim: like- you know that trend of trying to figure out who would win; 100 men or 1 gorilla?

Jason: ya.

Tim: well somebody online brought up the strategy of like. whacking it off and then taking it down while it's vulnerable. and i keep thinking about it.

Jason, instant and casual: well s' a natural thing to think about, you're at a very crucial time in your human development. hormones ablaze, nothin' to be ashamed of, Timmy.

Tim, unphased: -shut up, i'm serious. i'm just wondering like, if all of us- bats i mean, if all of us were up against one gorilla and we had to fall back on jerking it. which one of us would take the bullet? like would you do it for us?

Alfred, pointedly, teeth gritted, without turning around: dinner will be ready in twenty minutes, you two.

*a beat*

Jason, sounding slightly confused: yeah we know Alfie, we've been here the whole time- anyway, Tim,

Alfred: *dead-eyed staring forward as they continue talking*

Jason: -in what universe would we have to resort to jerking this thing off? if we're up against a gorilla i'm fucking shooting it in the face harambe style. i've done worse, i can take it.

Tim: no you don't- *sigh* you don't get it. the whole point is that we get no weapons whatsoever, just pure unaided humanity against a formidable angry gorilla.

Jason: we're trained vigilantes?! i don't think we'd have an issue?!

Tim: it's a fucking hypothetical Jason. in a world where we didn't have those skills-

Jason: i'd be dead way before we got to the gorilla- Tim, i know you have that whole hero-worship thing goin' on with me, but you realise that with those skills i lost to just a guy holding a crowbar, right? what makes you think that without the skills i would even make it to the gorilla fight? let alone hold my own against it?

Tim: well no- that's what i'm saying! i'm saying that if you couldn't fight the gorilla, would you whack it-

Jason: -no you're not! you're talking some bullshit about me never having been trained by Batman, and i'm telling you i'd have been fucked way before i ever got to the gorilla. if this is a batskill-less fight then i wouldn't fuckin' be there.

Tim: no but- *groans* you are so finicky- ok so we have the batskills, and you made it to the gorilla fight,

Jason, matter-of-fact: gorilla would be dead within minutes.

Tim: OK BUT WE CAN'T FIGHT IT.

Jason: oh for- why not?

Tim: i don't fuckin' know-!

*footsteps from down the hall*

Tim: there's gotta be some kind of reason that physical combat won't work- oi, Damian, Damian!

Damian, entering the kitchen: hm? Pennyworth, father is wondering what time he should come down from his study for dinner.

Alfred, dead inside: tell him he should probably just stay up there.

Damian: *confused*

Tim: Damian! what would stop you from fighting a gorilla?

Damian:

Damian: respect for the species, i suppose?

Jason: ok well would respect for the species lead you to jerk off the gorilla?

Alfred: he is thirteen, Master Jason.

Damian, unphased: in what context would a gorilla wish for me to stimulate it sexually?

Alfred: lord help me.

Jason: in the context of god apparently won't let us fight it.

Tim: that's not what i said-

Jason: i don't understand why we're jerking this thing off. you said in the beginning we were jerkin' it so it would be vulnerable enough for us to take down; but you just said we can't fight it. so at this point we're just subjecting poor little Damian to being this gorilla's concubine for no reason. we're gonna get it vulnerable and then just do nothing about it.

Damian: do i get hand sanitiser for afterwards?

Jason: no, god also took away our tools and weapons- is that your only issue with this?

Tim: NO I'M NOT- i'm not saying we can't fight the gorilla at all, i'm just saying the gorilla has outclassed us and we have to fall back to whacking it off to lower it's abilities!

Damian: in what universe would a gorilla outclass us, we were trained by Batman.

Tim:

Tim, flat: gorilla was trained by Lady Shiva.

Jason: w- i was trained by Lady Shiva. you were trained by Lady Shiva; for longer than me! you fight the gorilla!

Tim: ok but you understand that if me and the gorilla had the same training but the gorilla is way bigger and way heavier then the gorilla would still win, right? that's why i'm wondering who would whack it off, who would we sacrifice?

Jason: well- Damian, apparently, since his only gripe was 'will i get hand sanitiser afterwards'.

Damian, hissing: i never said i would do it i was just trying to gather more context-

Jason: i mean the question nobody's asking here is would the gorilla even want it?

Tim: what do you mean?

Jason: i mean, if god locked us up with the gorilla; no tools and no escape, then logically the gorilla is also locked in right? he's just as much a victim as us. why do we gotta resort to sexual warfare? can't we team up with the gorilla to fight god and get out?

Tim: w-

Tim, thinking:

Tim, decisive: no the gorilla would be ok with it. the gorilla doesn't care about being locked in, it just wants us all dead. the strategy here is getting the gorilla to fall in love with us.

Damian: regardless of if the gorilla is 'ok' with it, it being locked in without escape is still coercion. we can't do that to the gorilla.

Jason: .....i dunno...

Damian: what do you mean 'i dunno', you're literally the guy who shoots people like that in the alley without hesitation.

Jason: well yeah but that's people-

Damian: SO WITH ANIMALS IT'S OK?

Jason: w- no, hold on NO, NO NO, I DIDN'T MEAN- i hate this fucking conversation, because that's completely out of context and it sounds horrible. i'm just- does it sound horrible to say- Alfie, does it make me horrible to say that if i had to decide between gang-banging a gorilla and the gorilla gang-banging me and my family, that i would choose to gang-bang the gorilla? like it's worst case scenario BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE THAT'S LOGICAL?

Alfred: *speechless*

Dick, having just entered the room: what the ever-loving fuck are you guys talking about in here?

*silence*

Jason: ok fuck this- Dick, if you had to whack off a gorilla to save Damian from having to whack off a gorilla, would you do it?

Dick:

Dick: like for a certain amount of time...? or just-

Tim: to completion. we're killing the gorilla during the post-nut-daze.

Dick:

Dick: then yeah sure.

Jason: boom, problem solved, we'd send in Nightwing. happy now Tim?

Tim: yeah that makes sense.

Jason: great. Alfie, when did you say dinner would be ready?

Alfred:

Alfred:

Alfred: i really need to retire.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 2 (masterpost here)

*Alfred, walking into Jason's open bedroom with a laundry basket*

Damian's voice, coming from the bathroom: you're an idiot. that was not there before you went into the pit.

Jason: it was! it's a birthmark, i'm telling you.

Damian: it's a scar.

Jason: it's not- AY WHO'S OUT THERE?

Alfred: i'm simply delivering your laundry, Master Jason.

Jason: OK GREAT GET IN HERE ALFIE.

Alfred:

Alfred: *sighing* coming.

*in the bathroom*

Alfred:

Alfred:

Jason, completely butt-ass naked, dripping wet from the shower, shaving cream over his chin and a razor in hand, shamelessly gesturing to a white slash across his pelvis: this was here back when i was Robin, right? it's a birthmark and not a scar?

Damian, wearing a Red Hood onesie and sitting cross-legged on the closed toilet lid, a 3DS in hand, also completely unbothered: it's a fucking scar from when you went into pit rage and attacked a bunch of people at the league, Jason.

Alfred:

Alfred, so tired: i'm afraid i do not have a catalogue of your birthmarks, Master Jason. I am unaware of if it was there before you sadly left us.

Jason: *turns to Damian* its a damn birthmark.

Damian: it's NOT-

Alfred: Master Damian... were you in here the whole time Master Jason was showering?

Damian:

Damian: well yeah, he knows all the cheat codes for my game.

Jason: i don't mind, he used to keep watch for assassination attempts when i'd shower at the league.

Alfred:

Alfred: but you aren't at the league anymore, Master Jason.

Jason:

Damian:

Jason: i really don't-

Damian: -don't see how that's relevant-

Jason: -doesn't matter does it?

Alfred:

Alfred spinning on his heel: i'd say i was surprised by the lack of shame, but your father started his late teens off by putting on a cape and jumping off buildings in the middle of the night, so who am i to judge.

Jason, calling after him: hey can you send Dick in here? he knows this shit's a birthmark for SURE-

Damian: for fucks sake Jason I'M THE ONE WHO STITCHED IT UP-!

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 21 (masterpost here)

*while Bruce has WE investors around the manor for a business dinner*

Alfred: *opens cabinet full of alcohol* *reaches for a bottle of whiskey*

Jason, peeking his head around the doorway: psst, pst, Alfie, they still here?

Alfred, looking over, slightly amused: yes, Master Jason. if you wish to avoid having to exchange pleasantries with Master Bruce's associates, i recommend avoiding the main study.

Jason, grinning: neat, i can use the kitchen.

Jason, eyeing the bottle Alfred is going for: uh- whatcha doing...?

Alfred: Master Bruce has requested something to drink for him and his guests.

Jason, cautiously: ah....

*a hesitent beat*

Jason: you uh... you might wanna take a different bottle...?

Alfred: ?

Jason: well i'm pretty sure i stole and drank that one when i was like. fourteen? so yeah- i'm pretty sure that's apple juice in there, not whiskey.

Alfred:

Alfred, sighing: of course. *reaches for a different bottle*

Jason: *winces* not that one either. or- maybe not any of the ones on that row, actually.

Alfred:

Alfred, suspiciously narrowing his eyes: and... which bottle do you think i should take?

*a beat*

Jason: yeah you might wanna try a different cabinet.

Alfred:

Alfred: my boy, i think you may be an alcoholic.

Jason: -in my defence the pit makes it really hard to get drunk nowadays.

Alfred, pointedly raising an eyebrow: and when you were fourteen?

Jason:

Alfred:

Jason: Dick double-dog dared me.

[papayafromtv]

unrealistic to me that at no point during Jason's time in the League of Assassins was there a period of Ra's desperately trying to figure out what the fuck brought Jason back to life inside that coffin and that at no point was there a conversation that was like,

Jason, on a medical table for the twelfth experiment that day: how do we even know it was me, though?

Ra's: what do you mean?

Jason, shrugging: like- maybe i was just in a magic coffin. maybe it had nothing to do with me, maybe it was my environment. have you ever read the book 'pet cemetery'?

Ra's:

Ra's: *squints deeply*

Ra's: no. if it was the graveyard then you wouldn't be the only person that came back to life. you're being ridiculous.

Jason: i dunno. maybe it was just that one specific patch of grass.

Ra's:

Ra's: hm.

Bruce finds out Jason came back to life way earlier than planned because halfway through patrol he gets an alert of a disturbance at Gotham Cemetery and when he and Tim get there it's to see Jason and Ra's in the dark with headlamps on next to Jason's now dug-up grave, dirt everywhere as Jason holds a shovel and Ra's holds the corpse of a dead chicken over the hole, ready to lower it, surrounded by league assassins either standing guard or holding notebooks and pens for if something actually happens and Ra's wants to take notes.

Damian is in the car with the window cracked wrapped in Jason's jacket and tiredly playing temple run on Jason's phone while he waits for them to be done so they can go home. when he sees Bruce arrive he sighs loudly and does up the window. Batman and Robin land in the graveyard and everybody freezes like the scene in ratatouille when the humans catch the rats in the kitchen, and it takes Jason two solid weeks to convince Bruce that no, they were not trying to replace his corpse with a chicken, they were doing science-

[papayafromtv]

I fucking love it whenever you do Jason and Damian's league relationship as less of a "Jason was assigned Damian's protector and grew attached" and more of a "Jason finds this random small child while he's at the league and just goes:

fucking love al ghul family dynamics any which way you give me it but gotta say i do also like it when the jason-damian brotherhood was entirely without al-ghul origin. talia has no fucking idea why her kid keeps following the resurrected robin boy around and both her and ra’s are just watching them from across the training grounds like ‘do you think we should pull them apart or something?’. they have no idea why jason’s decided to inspire such loyalty within damian but it scares the shit out of them.

talia: this wasn’t supposed to happen. i specifically kept jason on the opposite side of the compound to keep them separate. how did they find each other.

ra’s: apparently jason escaped last night. this morning the guards found him in damian’s room reading ‘little women’ to him. they must have crossed paths.

*jason and damian across the way, jason teaching damian how to play hopscotch*

talia:

talia: this cannot be good for the al ghul name.

ra’s: can we separate them by force?

nearby assassin guard: …i don’t think that’s a good idea. the little prince seems to have imprinted.

talia:

ra’s:

talia: ‘imprinted’?

guard: francis tried to separate them this morning per your orders, my lady. the little prince bit him.

talia: …bit him?

guard: jason yelled ‘atta boy, cannibalise those who try to sever our mighty bond!’ and now every time anybody approaches the two damian bares his teeth and starts growling.

talia:

ra’s:

ra’s: this is horrible for the al ghul name.