hellooo, i wrote something quick and easy but i kind of like it, but Iâm writing something more serious, though itâs taking me a while. if you like it, please show some support with a heart or a comment, thx <3. no warnings!!
synopsis: when all he ever wanted was to see stars hang on his ceiling
genre: fluff
wc: 1089
He never actually payed attention to it. He just noticed, wondered why itâs like that.
He didnât think about it, he stopped worrying about it once his eyes darted away.
Yet, something behind his brain itched when he talked to her, when anyone approached her, and her eyes wandered.
He could see them roaming anywhere so fast over the room.
He thought they were really trying to focus, but they just couldnât. Was it embarrass, was it nervousness.
He didnât know. He wanted to know. Not that bad, he was just curious.
âUhm- I donât think I remember his faceâ, he once heard her saying to a friend of hers.
Even then he found that weird, but didnât think much about it.
âThatâs because you never look at peopleâ, that friend replied.
They never interacted, it was so rare for them to talk to each other and Jeongin kind of wished it was different. he sometimes found himself thinking of what it would be like to have a real conversation with her, not just an exchange of informations. no, he wondered what it was like to have her eyes on him, paying attention to him, to his face and his own eyes.
But then again, he didnât care that much to do something about it, to keep that desire alive once he looked away.
Though, being alone with her didnât let him push those questions away. they were there, because he felt her quiet presence surround him.
He entered the room and she was already there, alone. she always was. But he could see she was by her own choice. She had a few friends, she just cherished her time so much.
She greeted him, a quick, absentminded âhelloâ that sounded so effortlessly soft and gentle that made him swallow a knot in his throat.
Her eyes⌠they were on him for so little, the eye contact was so brief he thought she was greeting someone else behind him he didnât know was there.
They were alone for a while, in which he was alert of every movement of hers.
He took a deep breath, almost frustrated at himself, because he couldnât remember when he started caring like this. If he could consider it âcaringâ.
A sudden noise made him turn around, only to find her crouching down to gather a heavy box that probably slipped from her hands.
âYou should leave that to Chanâ
The words just left his mouth, he didnât mean to earn that brief, confused look from her, as if silently asking why he was breaking into her bubble of peacefulness.
âItâs not that heavyâ, effort clear in her voice as she tries to lift the box again, succeeding, her eyes always so carefully looking anywhere but at him.
He sighed resigned, was it for her stubbornness or lack of eye contact.
He denied the last one to himself, didnât make sense anyway.
Jeongin was also the shy type of guy, got embarrassed at compliments and when he met new people, though he never avoided someoneâs eyes that bad, out of politeness.
He didnât think she was impolite, quite the opposite. But she just kept him questioning that behaviour.
Maybe he was making of it a big deal, maybe she hated people and didnât bother looking at them, because if he thought about it, her eyes werenât on them not even when they were turned away.
He didnât pay that much attention to it, by the way. He just noticed.
His head itched. He lifted his gaze, froze when he met hers for the briefest moment.
It was weird, strange. Not the fact that she looked away like that. That was never new.
Were she already staring at him?
He almost laughed at the impossibility of it.
âDo you need anything?â, he thought that maybe she was seeking for help, which was unusual as well.
He watched her shaking her head, gaze fixed on the ground as she bit her lower lip and fidgeted.
She was pretty, but he was being objective while stating it.
âI thought you were staring at meâ
âWhat if I wasâ
He blinked, taken aback by her bluntness, by the way her gaze lifted, not to his eyes yet, but it was on him, on his form.
she swallowed the urge to look away, even though her eyes drifted behind him more often than not.
God, he wanted to properly see those eyes.
He was just curious.
âYou never look at peopleâ
Her nail dug more fiercely into the flesh of her own hand as he spoke the truth. She almost flinched, he noticed.
She was caught off guard, he guessed.
He waited. He waited for her to deny it, to explain herself, to finally give him the sight of those eyes he was so eager to catch the details of.
He waited patiently, didnât move an inch even when he saw her becoming more nervous under the weight of his stare.
âYouâre rightâ, she sounded almost unsure, âI do look at you thoughâ
What was she trying to do? He almost scoffed bitterly at her words, said while keeping her gaze down.
âDo it. Look at meâ, he demanded selfishly, challenging her, so sure she would screw him.
She didnât reacted, she blinked.
He was upset. He was incredulous.
She was able to cut the air out of his lungs with one single stare.
Her eyes were a little widened, almost scared to hold his gaze while, according to him, they were handing him the stars.
He was upset and couldnât believe that she kept that away from people.
Or was he selfishly relieved that he was one of the few people she let look into her soul.
His mind was racing, though. It was trying to get an answer to why she was letting him. He couldnât understand.
But in that moment, it didnât matter.
He took a breath only to not break the moment and lose that treasure by fainting out of lack of oxygen.
He was being dramatic. He was being ridiculous. God, as soon as he would go lucid again, he would be so embarrassed about his reaction.
He didnât care. He didnât think about whatâs next.
He just found comfort in the mirror of her soul and all he could think about was a way to not let it slip out of his hands, because once you get a taste of heaven, youâll never be satisfied by the earth again.
i swear to god Iâm alive đ Iâm writing something but itâs huge, at least for me. itâs divided in some parts, still donât know how many, but i think itâs about at least 3 parts. the first one is READY but i donât want to post it without having the second one finished and the third one started, or people will ignore the whole story or forget about it đ Iâm actually at a good point Iâm just stuck to the smut part of course đđ iâll be back asap promise
synopsis: when everything is falling apart for you, who you thought was your long time enemy, will be the one whoâll keep it together.
warnings: smut (first time writing it, be gentle), tiny reference to a pain kink, pet names.
wc: â6.2k
a/n: here i am!!! this took me WEEKS because of the smut, Iâm never writing another one ever again. jeez it was so hard and Iâm not even convinced. anyway i hope you like this one. thanks for supporting me. lil reminder that eng is not my first language, sorry for repeated words/sentences. enjoy!
Your hand gets wet as you put your hand out to check the rainâuseless, the rain is heavy.
You scoff at the ridiculousness, you thought the day was at its worst. Naive. Thereâs no end to your bad luck and you should stop underestimating that.
While people push to run back to their dorms and homes, you manage to pull your phone out of your pocket, careful not to step where the rain could hit you.
3.06 pm, December 3rd.
You sigh. You open your friendsâ group chat. They were so fast going to their houses; you hoped they walked you home with an umbrella. Your place is not that far, not when itâs sunny.
You scroll through the latest messages. You wish you were able to be happy for them, to smile seeing all of those excited texts from your best friends whose dream guys gave them their sweater.
You put away your phone and repeat to yourself that it is just a trend, probably just a few of them, out of all guys in college, know about this.
You donât even have a crush, donât have anyone to expect a sweater from, so who cares if not a single guy approached you on the 3rd of December. Plus, you all are grown ass adults who study at college, looking forward to a great, respectable work for the future. Got no time to waste for this corny things.
You roll your eyes. You wish it was just that; you wish you didnât feel less than other girls, that pretty privilege didnât exist. You just want people to notice you. Youâre starting to accept that maybe life decided you donât deserve any of that. No compliments, no kindness, no love. But you canât stop yourself from wondering why, when you got so much love to give.
You shake your head to snap out of your thoughts, to avoid spilling tears.
Rain wonât stop falling, thatâs why you just step out of the building, impatient to get home and sleep it out.
You let the rain drench you, you donât walk fast, you donât run. You accept the rain running down your body, making your clothes and hair cling onto your skin. Tears and rain blur on your face, maybe thatâs the real reason why you let it happen.
When the rain falling sounds different, you lift your gaze, water no longer hitting you. Your brows furrow and you quickly turn around to meet the gaze of whoever is holding an umbrella upon your head.
âYouâre soakedâ
You bite your lower lip, desperately trying to stop it from shaking, god knows if out of cold or due to crying. You wouldâve rolled your eyes if you had enough emotional strength to be annoyed by him as your usual.
âOh, I didnât noticeâ, shouldâve come out bitter and sarcastic, but it sounded just tired.
The corner of Hyunjinâs lips turns up in a smirk. You almost grimace at how disgustingly attractive he looks without even trying, just standing there, hand out to hold the umbrella and a lazy smirk playing on his face, ready to tease you.
âYouâre welcome, then.â
âWhat are you doing here?â
âIsnât that obvious? Protecting you from the storm. I get that you didnât notice it was drenching you, butââ
He huffs as you hit his arm to stop whatever stupidity he was about to say.
âWhat was that for? This isnât the right way to thank me.â
You sigh and roll your eyes. You look away, both annoyed and embarrassed by this. You notice him narrowing his eyes while scanning you.
âYouâre crying.â
You widen your eyes. âWhat?! No!â, your voice coming out high pitched, giving you away.
âThat was not a questionâ, heâs frowning.
You press your lips together. You turn away, ready to leave him behind and get home, away from him. But his grip around your wrist stops you right before another drop of water can touch you.
âLet goâ, you try to sound steady and firm.
âItâs still raining.â
He studies you for some seconds, the way your breath is coming out almost in pants, or the way youâre trying so hard to avoid his eyes, before rolling his eyes and tightening his hold on your arm.
âLetâs go.â
Your eyes widen at the sudden change in his tone, more serious and firmer now.
âWhatââ, you try to plant your feet to the ground as heâs so easily dragging you away. âWhere!?â
âTo my placeâ, he answers as if it was the most obvious and normal thing to bring the person you always bicker with to your house.
âWhy?â, you almost whine putting all of your efforts to keep his pace. Damn, why he gotta have such long legs?!
âItâs closerâ, his tone admits no room for any argument.
If someone have told you youâre in Hyunjinâs apartment, you wouldâve laughed in their face.
Hyunjin, whoâs, according to you, the most annoying guy youâve ever met, always cocky and full of himself, damn well knowing how attractive and handsome he is.
You two were always at each otherâs throats, always throwing little comments, sometimes funny ones, some others painful ones. You wouldnât considerate him as an enemy, just someone to stay far away from, wouldnât want to get infected by his arrogance. You hate that your families are so close.
You find yourself wondering if youâre in front the same guy youâve always known right now, feeling his hand on the small of your back, gently guiding you inside his apartment.
You stop right at the entrance, taking in the cozy, peaceful environment thatâs now surrounding you. You canât quiet tell why, but you feel like looking at Hyunjinâs soul. As you step in, you first meet the kitchen, big enough to have a couch before a TV. The walls are not bare, his art decorates them, could be paintings or a big drawing on the wall. You can recognize his talent, his passion in them; also you saw some of those paintings in the collegeâs art exhibition.
âYou can take off your shoes.â
His soft, kind voice snaps you back to reality.
âY-yeahâ, you stutter, rushing to take off your shoes and follow him in his room.
âTake off your clothesâ, he demands while rummaging through his closet.
âWhat?!â
He looks at you startled by your half scream, as if you were the one saying weird stuff.
âTake off your clothes. Use the bathroom or my room, Iâll lend you my clothes while yours will be in the dryer.â
Right. You almost forgot you are drenched. You nod, still processing, widen your eyes once you realise that you are drenched. You glance at the floor you stepped on behind you. âOh my god. Iâm so sorry, now the floor is wet.â
âItâs okay, donât worry about itâ
He hands you his sweatpants and hoodie and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. You blink, frozen.
âOkayâŚâ, you look around, studying his room. It looks like him more than the previous room, it leaves you almost breathless. White walls, a guitar placed in a corner next to a black music box; lamps here and there and a huge mid-century wall unit; the bed in the middle of the room, king sized, of course.
You change your clothes, but canât help thinking about whatever happened with him.
You glance out of the window in his room, the rain still as heavy as before. You notice your reflection on the glass, tired. His clothes so large on you. You take a deep breath, gather your wet clothes and leave the room, already feeling embarrassed to face him.
You notice him stopping whatever he was doing to fix his eyes on you, letting them shamelessly roam all over your body, his breath not coming out for a few seconds, but youâre sure youâre imagining things.
You shake your head to gather some sort of lucidity, your hands out to hand him your clothes, too quick before you can stop or control yourself.
A shocked gasp leaves your lips as he abruptly grabs your wrist, the pull so sudden and strong that you almost trip over your feet, cursing under your breath. You just let him drag you into the bathroom, where he finally takes the clothes from your hand and throw them in the dryer.
âIs it so hard for you to tell me instead of dragging my ass everywhere?!â
The corner of his lips lifts slightly, a hint of fondness behind his eyes that you decide you dreamt of. âItâs funnier.â
You roll your eyes. âOf course it is.â
You hope he doesnât notice the way youâre avoiding his gaze, because you canât believe your gaze flickered to his plump, glossy lips turned up in a smirk. Your heart did not flatter at the sound of his soft, teasing voice.
Is there anything off in this house or has cold gone to your head?
He starts the dryer and straights up, his eyes fixing on you.
âDid I have to watch you starting the dryer, orâŚ?â, you cross your arms over your chest, trying to give off indifference and annoyance. You probably look embarrassing, instead.
âYour hair is still dump, idiot.â
Your gaze lands on him. You blink. Heâs right. Heâs not going to dry it for you, is he?
The bathroom looks so interesting now that he is in fact looking for the hair dryer. It is neat and elegant somehow, way too big. No doubts both a washing machine and a dryer fit in it.
Oh, he is about to dry your hair for you. You sigh and close your eyes, curse yourself for letting him bring you to his place.
âCome hereâ
He already plugged the hair dryer in, already has it in his right hand, a brush in his left one.
âYou donât have to, Iâll do it myselfâ, your voice softer than what you expected, making you almost flinch.
You try to reach out and grab the brush, but he stubbornly takes a step back, pouts like a damn child and he has no rights to make you want to squeeze his cheeks.
You huff and give him your shoulders. He smiles cocky and satisfied, starting to brush your hair.
Your body melts against your willing, you have always loved the feeling of fingers running through your hair. You sigh. Slowly, due to the steady noise of the hair dryer, your gaze gets lost, tiredness getting the better on you, even though itâs just 3.30 pm. Today has been exhausting, but youâre surprised by the way Hyunjin managed to get your mind off everything.
Who you thought was an annoying, arrogant guy actually took care of you and made you feel as if the world outside didnât exist anymore. He let you forget and you feel like youâre breathing again after months.
You notice he walked around to face you only when he tilts your chin up, kind and delicate fingers brushing against your soft skin. Heâs drying your bangs now. At first his eyes are focused on your hair, but, hesitant yet filled with what seems to be concern, they lock with your gaze, making your breath catch in your throat, in the slightest, or so you hope.
Youâve always wondered how it feels to have a crush, to feel those famous butterflies in the stomach that make it ache, in a pleasant way, that makes you go away from hunger. Youâve always dreamt to have a crush to cry for, to scream for, to stay awake the night for, hoping he likes you back. That crush youâve only read or heard about from books or your friends.
You could just imagine all of that, just wonder what it feels like to have someone that wants you, not in a lustful way, not in the way those few guys you met before wanted you.
And now you find yourself trying to understand if feeling breathless, feeling like your eyes canât tear away from his face is part of being down for someone, understand if the warmth that just spread in your chest at the care and kindness Hyunjin is putting in drying your hair is normal or is a sign youâre falling for him.
He turns off the hair dryer and snaps you back to reality.
That was not you. Impossible. It couldnât be you. You ask yourself once more if he poisoned you or whatever could explain those thoughts.
Also because you did not just shiver when his fingers brushed again against the skin of your chin, as if lingering, as if hesitant to let you go, which he in fact does not.
âYou were zoning outâ, his voice so soft you almost missed it.
You donât yank away from his grip, lean into it instead, definitely against your willing.
âMust be a passion to state the obvious.â
âY/nâŚâ, he rolls his eyes, but doesnât pull away or let you go. His gaze soft and firm on you. When did he get so close?
His proximity makes your body reacts in ways you never experienced, makes a knot form in your throat, makes your body want to be even closer. Your head is still tilted up. Heâs tall.
âWhat is it?â, he asks with real worry in his tone. âWill you tell me what happened earlier?â, he almost sounds like begging you.
You know what he refers to, yet you want to ignore it. If you say it out loud, youâll feel pathetic.
You take a deep breath and force yourself to take a step back and avert your gaze.
âI need waterâ, you rush to leave the bathroom, so big yet feels too small right now.
He scoffs but follows right after you. Heâs not going to give up so soon.
You two are now sitting on his couch. The rain still heavy outside, it makes you want to scream; the tv right before you play some random movie none of you is actually watching. The dryer cycle isnât over yet and you can feel his gaze burning on your skin. Itâs driving you crazy.
You tear your eyes away from the window when you hear your name slip from Hyunjinâs lips. Your mind was away again.
You glance at him, pull your knees to your chest.
He mutes the movie and turns fully towards you. âListen, weâve known each other for many yearsâ, he starts. âWhat is it, five? Six?â
You lower your gaze, your fingers fidgeting nervously. âSeven.â
âYeahâŚâ, he sighs and runs a hand through his long, dark locks. âThatâs a lot, isnât it? And even though weâve never been on good terms, I can tell that something is off, believe it or not.â
Your breath catches in your chest, you bite your tongue to stop the tears that are threatening to spill, your gaze still fixed on the couch. How could he see right through you?
You realise that Hyunjin is making you feel heard, making you understand that perhaps you were asking for help loud enough, yet your friends chose to be deaf.
You huff and swallow down your tears.
âI⌠I just wish I could be like other girlsâso beautiful and naturally funny, that immediately drawn guys at their feet. I wish I was a normal girl who is so sure of herself that she shines, a girl who can have fun at parties and a silly, different crush every two weeks, who guys fall for so easilyâ, You finally lift your eyes up to him, gathering his reaction to your words. Heâs not judging. Heâs listening. Thatâs what keeps you going, what reassures you. âBut meâIâm just a hopeless romantic, who wish someone could love me for who I really am, not for what I can physically give. I want to be noticed. I want to feel butterflies, I want to feel loved so much that Iâd be sure heâd choose me in a room full of people, even when Iâm not thereâ
Hyunjin hums and nods, his gaze never looking away from you.
You loosen a heavy breath and look down once again, feeling ashamed, embarrassed. âToday⌠so many girls received a sweater or a hoodie from guysâ
âOh, yeah, I know about that thingâ
You tense a bit, you donât know why. âDid you give your sweater to anyone?â
He pauses for some seconds, his gaze roaming down your body before going back to your face. He shakes his head slowly. âNot reallyâ
âWhatâwhat does ânot reallyâ mean?â, you almost roll your eyes, frustrated. Here it was the Hyunjin youâve always known. âYou were supposed to give it to someone you like. Your crush, you knowâ
You narrow your eyes at the sight of the ghost of a smirk on his lips.
He scoots closer and you stiffen, widen your eyes as his thigh brushes against yours. âWhatââ
He cuts you off by reaching out to fix a little the collar of the hoodie youâre wearing, his eyes following closely his own movements, then meet yours again, making your breath hitch. âI didâ
You blink. What is this weird knot thatâs bruising in your chest?
You clear your throat. âW-who⌠Who is she?â, you thought you sounded indifferent, but the twitch of his lips and the satisfied raised eyebrow tell you differently.
His fingers trail down the hoodie, tugging at the hem. âThis is my favourite hoodie, you know? I wear it more often than notâ
You frown at the sudden change of topic, look down at your own body. Realisation hits slowly and hard.
You widen your eyes, your head snaps up. If you didnât need oxygen, youâd forget to breathe.
You must be wrong. Those words donât mean what you think.
âHyunjin, donât say bullshitâ
âBullshit? I think I know what I like better than you do and thatâs definitely my favourite hoodieâ
You clench your jaw and push him out of frustration. He smirks, not even flinching.
You stare at him for a few seconds before scoffing and looking away, incredulous.
âYouâre free to believe what you want to believeâ
His calm tone gets under your skin.
Your eyes are on him in a second, but you almost flinch when you find him closer than a second ago.
âYou donât mean itâ, your voice firm yet it gives you away when youâre trying to act like this isnât affecting you at all.
âI donât?â He dares you.
Your brows slightly furrow, your gaze roams over his features, his face so close you can notice the mole under his eyes. You canât stop your eyes from lingering on his lips, so full and red.
âI did notice youâ, he starts, his own stare taking in your face, his voice low, in a way that has you shivering. âI noticed your humble, passionate attitude. I noticed the love youâre ready and so impatient to give. I noticed the way you always make sure to not hurt or embarrass anyoneâ, he takes a deep breath, his hand finding your knee to soothe you and probably to anchor himself. âI also noticed how you hide your feelings, how youâre so convinced to be able to handle all of it alone. I know you keep it to yourself because youâre scared of peopleâs judgment. I know you think you donât deserve it. But you do andâIâm ready to remind you that every dayâ
Your mind is racing restless with million, confused thoughts. Is this a dream? The way your heart beats, so fast it hurts, keeps you anchored to reality.
You didnât expect such a confession. From him. This is so sudden that it feels like a joke to you. But Hyunjin is telling you so many things, heâs making you understand that, even if you didnât see him, he was always there, noticing every detail you thought you were hiding away so well.
After all, this is also what youâve always wanted. An unexpected love, sudden, that would take your breath away, that is pure.
Or maybe youâve been reading too many fan fics.
Both of you are almost panting now. Heâs just confessed what heâs been holding back for months, or even years. Heâs been waiting for this like someone holding their breath underwaterâcounting seconds, terrified and hopefulâfinally surfacing, heart pounding.
And you⌠you feel like youâve just been on a rollercoaster, right after a sudden drop, one that takes your breath away and makes your heart beat up in your throat.
âI⌠Iâm confusedâ
âI couldnât be clearer, honeyâ
âI knowâ
He sighs, seeing you so conflicted makes him want to hold you, soothe you, but he doesnât want to put pressure on you. He would never.
Instead, he leans a little back, giving you space, which makes your hands twitch, needing to reach out and keep him close.
The alarm of the dryer sounding, meaning that the cycle is over, makes you both get back to this house. And the silence that comes right after makes you notice that rain has finally stopped.
You clear your throat and stand from the couch. âI should get goingâ
You donât miss the disappointment filling Hyunjinâs gaze. You almost feel bad.
You gather your things, ready to leave, now standing near the table. You turn to look at him, your breath heavy. The tension could be cut with a knife.
âSo⌠Thanksâfor everything. Really. You didnât have toâ
âIt was a pleasure, donât mention itâ
You smile a little, really thankful. Then you hand him his hoodie, blink when he doesnât take it, just stares at you instead.
âI want you to keep itâ
âHyunjinââ
âYou think I didnât mean every word earlier?â, he takes a step closer, his voice steady, still soft but a little irritated. âI did. I was not playing with you, I was being honest, and I need you to believeââ
You must be out of your head, because why the hell would you pull him by his shirt and kiss him, dropping everything you had in your hands on the floor?
You can feel him tensing up. You break the kiss and pull back enough to look at him, panting.
âIâIâm sorry, I didnât want toââ
But he doesnât let you finish, because, against your expectations, he kisses you back, firmer and hungrier, grabbing you by the waist, has you gasping, but you donât hesitate to return the kiss with the same fervour, your hand finding his cheek.
The taste of his lips, so soft against yours, and the grip of his large hand on your waist make you dizzy.
You canât help but hum in the kiss. He immediately takes advantage of your parted lips to slip his tongue in your mouth, making your heart skip a beat.
You bring your arms up over his shoulders, pulling him impossibly closer. You groan as he presses your hips against the table behind you, break the kiss for a moment to look at him.
âTell me to stopâ, his voice hoarse and charged with desire.
He tenses up seeing the clear hesitation in your eyes, even though youâre not saying anything. He brings his hand up to stroke your cheek soothingly, his look reassuring you.
âI didnât want to scare youâ
âYou did notâ, youâre quick to reassure him. You donât want him to think so at all.
âThen what is it?â, he almost sounds anxious. âYouâre regretting it already?â
You shake your head fiercely, panicking when he starts to pull away. You can read both understanding and disappointment in his eyes.
âNo! No, Iâm not. I justâneed you to be sure about thisâ
He frowns serious. âWhat do you mean, Y/n?â
You look away, embarrassed. You didnât want this to happen, you donât want to feel like a toy to a guy once again. And you donât want to open up about this.
And here you go again, feeling ashamed of yourself, feeling like wanting to disappear, feeling wrong.
He notices your panicked eyes getting lost. He pulls you closer gently, desperately trying to comfort you even though he still doesnât get why youâre so upset all of a sudden. âHey⌠talk to me, hm?â
How is he calming you down so easily? Normally, you would never open up to someone youâve never got along with. Then why does it feel so natural right now with him? Is it the look in his eyes? Or perhaps the fact that he took care of you all afternoon, distracting you from the real world, the real life?
âIâŚâ, your throat tightens, not letting your words come out. âYou wonât use me like this, right? Iâm not just thisââ
âNo. No, I wonâtâ, his thumb keeps brushing against the skin of your cheek. âIâm not playing with you, Y/nâ
You stare into his eyes, still a bit hesitant.
You watch him lean closer and whisper, his breath ghosting over your lips, âLet me worship youâ
He doesnât let you say any other word. He pulls you right back in to kiss you hungrily, yet tenderly, letting you melt under his touch.
His tongue coax opens your mouth, sliding past your lips and intertwine with yours, making you feel dizzy with his taste. His hands restless as they roam over your body, as they go past the hem of your shirt, caressing the soft skin of your stomach, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind his path. He smirks against your lips, knowing damn right the effects heâs having on you, but thereâs no arrogance behind that soft, kind grin.
He pulls back, chuckles breathless when he hears you groan at the loss.
Both of you are panting, forehead resting against each other, bodies intertwined.
Slowly, your hands reach out, one to tangle in his hair, the other to cup his cheek. Feeling his warmth makes you want to eat him.
You lean forward to kiss him again, but of course he teases, pulling back right in time to prevent you from touching his lips.
You shake your head frustrated, âHyunjin, I swearââ
âOh, donât get mad. Youâre cute when frustrated, Iâm just enjoying itâ
You roll your eyes and look at him annoyed. But that look into your eyes doesnât last that much once they meet his fond gaze.
Flustered, you push lightly his shoulder. He doesnât move an inch, obviously. âYouâre an idiot, Hwang Hyunjinâ
He raises his brows, âI donât like being called by my full nameâ
âI knowâ
He holds your chin, his thumb brushes against your lower lip, his eyes following the movement. His voice low and slightly hoarse, âOh, you know...â
He pecks your lips. Once. Twice. Your breath hitches.
Then he trails down. His lips meet your jaw, then hover over the skin under your ear, your weak spot that makes you squirm. His tongue darts out to taste you, then draws a path down your neck and throat, nipping at your skin to leave little, red marks over your skin.
âI could keep going like this for hoursâ
You groan in frustration, your arms wrapping around his neck to pull him a bit closer. âHyunjin, donât you dareâ
He chuckles against your skin, the sound vibrating through you, both tickling and sending a wave of pleasure down your body.
âPatience is a virtue, huh?â
âYeah, I donât own itâ
His hands slowly trail down your body, until they reach your thighs, grabbing them to lift you up and carry you to his bedroom, your legs immediately wrap around his waist as you almost gasp due to the sudden movement.
He lays you carefully on his bed and quickly hovers over you, takes a moment to look down at you. âYouâre so prettyâ
Your cheeks go red and you can feel it, so you try to cover your face with your hands but heâs quick to stop you, âDonât hideâ
You keep your eyes on him as he slowly unbuttons your shirt, revealing your skin inch by inch, his eyes fixed on your body, pure admiration behind his gaze that leaves you breathless.
He kisses starting from your neck to your collarbones, your chest, between your breasts, to your stomach. For every kiss your breath quickens, gets heavier, your body gets more sensitive by the seconds.
He reaches the waistband of your pants, his lips stop right above it while his hands grab it almost hesitantly. You loosen a sigh in anticipation, meet his eyes that are on your face again, hungry yet uncertain.
Your hand tangles in his long hair. You nod to give him permission and reassure him.
Thatâs all he needs to snap. He takes off your jeans and panties together, the cool air hitting your skin so suddenly it gives you chills.
Hyunjinâs hands are gentle on you, not missing an inch of your body. His lips find your thighs, nipping at the skin there and making you gasp for more, so close to the spot you want him so bad.
Your grip in his hair tightens, tearing a groan out of him.
âYouâre so eagerâ
âYouâre insufferableâ
He chuckles lowly, right before his tongue darts out to taste you, the movement firm and slow between your folds, making you both gasp and squirm. Your legs try to close but his grip is strong enough to prevent you from doing it.
He pulls back enough to speak, âAs much as Iâd love to be squeezed between your thighs, I need space for thisâ
You groan frustrated at the sight of his smug, teasing smirk, yet it turns you on even more. He goes back on your clit, sucking and licking just in the right spots, taking his time. Too much time. He really got you on edge.
âYou taste so good,â he trails kisses up your body, teases one of your breasts with his tongue and faces you. The look in his eyes makes you breathless, makes your cheeks flush.
His lips find your neck, grazing and nipping the skin. His hand reaches between your bodies and teases where youâre most sensitive, his bulge pressed against your thigh. You tug at his hair and let out a soft whine, your free hand clasping the fabric of his sweater, almost desperate your gaze in his.
âMake it fairâ
You can see something in his eyes flickering, can see his gaze darkening before he pulls away and starts to take off his close while his eyes are fixed on yours, roam over your bare body for just a few seconds.
As for you, you canât tear your gaze off his body, following his every movement. Your jaw almost falls open. âThatâsânot gonna fitâ
He laughs and shakes his head, while leaning forward to brush his lips against the corner of your mouth, the gesture so tender you feel your chest tightening. âYouâll be a good girl for me and take it allâ, his voice is barely over a whisper and so low that it sends a wave of goosebumps down your spine.
âFuckââ
He crashes his lips against yours and grab your hips, his control slipping second by second, his strength makes you gasp.
You moan against your lips, slowly reach between your bodies to wrap your hand around his cock. You flinch when he bites your lip.
âCareful, Iâm already on edgeâ
You smirk smugly, your hand starts to stroke him. You can see his jaw clenching.
âYour body⌠I donât think Iâll be able to resist it any longerâ, you whisper as if it was a dirty secret. âYou were sculpted or whatâ
You might have hit the last straw with that. He grabs your wrist and force your hand away. His free hand is still firmly holding down your hips while the other one reaches out for your most sensitive area to tease your entrance. He growls and mutter breathless, âYouâre soakingâ.
He doesnât give you any time to process that heâs already pushing his slim, long fingers inside you, making you hum and buck your hips up. Heâs ready to pin them down against the mattress, his fingers holding you so tight youâre sure are going to leave bruises. Itâs not like you care, the slight pain is only fuelling to the fire inside you instead.
He scissors his fingers, stretches you open, tearing shameless moans out of you.
He tilts his head, a smirk crosses over his mouth for a mere second, âI love that youâre so loudâ
You groan flustered, his ministrations donât stop while he uses every opportunity to lick, kiss, mark every inch of your skin.
You cup his cheek to pull him up so that he faces you. You sigh, let your gaze roam over his face, lingering on his lips and then on his eyes. The world stops for a few moments, both of you breathless from just that, but maybe also for something else.
âHyunjin, pleaseâŚâ
He withdraws his fingers, forcing a gasp out of you. His movements rapid and impatient as he aligns himself against you. Your arms rest on his shoulders and your eyes fix in his, both in anticipation and nervousness.
He lifts lightly and kindly your thigh and pushes in, your hands immediately squeezing his biceps, your voice wonât come out. He stops with just the tip inside you, caresses your thigh to soothe you.
You manage to whisper through a gasp âDonât stopâ
He looks at you concerned, but slowly starts to push further, gritting his teeth as your nails dig into the skin of his back.
âYouâre tightâ
âYouâre bigâ
He scoffs.
He bottoms out and inhales, groaning when your walls clench around him tightly.
Youâre panting but pull him from his nape into a desperate, lazy kiss, which he returns immediately.
âMoveâ, you demand, not even giving yourself time to get used to his presence.
His hand goes to your waist and wrap around it gently. He licks his lower lip and smile smugly, his tone teasing. âYouâll talk about your pain kink to me laterâ
You almost roll your eyes, your cheeks flushing embarrassed, but his thrust takes the air out of your lungs.
âDamnâŚâ, your head falls back against the pillow.
âYou asked for itâ
You manage to glare at him.
âGo ahead idiotâ
âYes, maâamâ
He starts thrusting his hips. You slowly get used to his size and relax, keeping him close while he worships your body.
The room is hot, the only sounds being the wet slapping of your skins, his gasps and your moans. Your hand is tightly holding his hair, the other gripping his bicep, leaving marks of nails. Your walls clench around him as you feel closer and closer to the climax.
âS-stop doing that or I wonât be able to hold backâ
âIâm closeâŚâ, you manage to whine out.
His thrusts donât stop, their speed increases instead.
He cups your chin and kisses your lips in such a tender way that makes your head dizzy, makes your chest warm up, and that is what makes your every nerve ending snap. You pull him down against you, wrapping your arms around him as your muscles relax altogether.
You whimper as he keeps moving. Youâre so sensitive you feel like exploding under his hands.
âH-Hyune, pleaseââ, your voice comes out as a sob.
A tear escapes from your eye and heâs quick to wipe it away.
âItâs okay, babyâŚâ
The pet name, that damn pet name heâs always used to get on your nerves, said so softly and soothingly now, makes your heart almost jump out of your chest. You lean in and close the distance between your lips, pouring all the gratitude you feel for him, for everything he did today for you.
His movements grow uncoordinated and fast, only making you whimper more and more.
He sucks in a sharp breath and tightens his hold on your waits when you feel his warm cum spilling inside you, filling you just perfect.
He pants and collapses onto you, exhausted, yet still trying to not put all of his weight on you.
You caress and soothe his back, mostly on the scratches your nails left on him, the other hand carefully running through his long, sweaty hair.
You get lost in your own thoughts, of course. How to blame you, when you just been with the same guy you always thought was an asshole. Or maybe you convinced yourself he was. Instead, in his own way, he was consoling you until the last moment, he was telling you that everythingâs okay during all afternoon.
He caught your attention lifting his head from your chest to face you.
âAre you okay?â
You smile and nod. âIâm feeling wonderfulâ
He leans and pecks your lips. Once. Twice. Over and over, every kiss lingering more and more.
Maybe all this time youâve been ignoring whatever you feel for him. Maybe the love that is written in fan fictions is real and, maybe, heâll be the one whoâll make you feel it.
hey yall!!! Iâm alive i swear đ university got me busy BUT Iâm almost over with another one shot ;) Iâm trying to get better with writing i swear and most of all i appreciate all of the support youâre giving to me, i didnât expect it â¤ď¸ my last story (pt1) has arrived to almost 80 likes!!! wonderful, Iâm really happy about it. and I hope youâll like this one even more.
genre: angst, SLOW burn, idol!jeongin, friends to lovers Synopsis: Jeongin is trying hard to forget you, disappear from your life as much as he can, reducing your relationship to only professional terms, just because heâs forced due to your jobs. Does he little know that his absence in your life made you realise that you only find what you loved the most, once youâve lost it?
wc: â4.8k
an: Iâm baaack!!! Iâm not so convinced but enjoy it anyway, I think itâs cute. lil reminder eng is not my first language.
Heâs sweating, panting. His muscles hurt, heâs probably doing too much, using too much weight. He doesnât care as long as he manages to shut his mind.
His phone keeps buzzing due to Chanâs concerned texts.
Ayen, come back.
Stop doing this to yourself. Itâs better to talk it out. Iâm here, you know I am.
He groans as he lets down the weights.
Two days ago their new album came out. The schedule was busy, but not enough for him to fill his mind.
The first show didnât go well; everyone could notice his mind was somewhere else, people on socials wouldnât stop talking about it.
His members didnât know a thing about what happened that night, but they surely could picture it.
You werenât coming to work, you were sick, according to you.
As for him, he couldnât focus on anything, could barely have some stage presence.
He huffs, wiping away some sweat from his forehead. He grabs his phone and quickly taps back
Iâm okay.
Heâs trying to convince himself he is, because he is. All he has to do is pretending nothing had happened.
Easy.
He almost throws away his phone, going back to work out.
Anyway, itâs not like he has something to be mad about. He was upset when he left Felix and Seungminâs dorm, but over time he understood that it's not any of your faults.
So now he just feels⌠weird.
He has a strong feeling of longing, thatâs for sure. He canât bear with the fact that youâre actually dating that guy, because he wishes it were him.
But at the same time he canât make you force your feelings.
So if heâs willing to slowly disappear from your life, itâs not out of bitterness. Heâs actually letting you go, to not make you feel the pressure of having a close friend who is in love with you while you donât love him back that way and youâre dating another guy. It would even be embarrassing for both of you.
Furthermore, he wouldnât even be able to pretend heâs okay having you and him around acting so in love in front of him.
He knows heâs making it bigger. You told him it was just a situation ship, nothing more, currently.
He shakes his head when he realises that his mind started to race again. Thatâs exactly what he was trying to avoid so hard.
He hates that his mind can think on his own, because whenever it starts it puts in front of his eyes images of you laughing, smiling so softly, napping on his shoulder, being so focused while writing on your laptop that your lip ends up trapped between your teeth; the image of the shape of your lips that he liked to glance at as soon as he could anytime he talked to you and that he dreamed to feel so many timesâŚ
âFucking stopâŚâ he scolds himself, then flinches when a voice echoes in the gym.
âNow you talk to yourself?â, Hyunjin asks entering the room with his arms crossed against his chest.
Jeongin lets out a deep breath. âYou scared the hell out of me.â
Hyunjin huffs through a chuckle and lean against the doorframe. He knows heâs sexy. âYeah, I could say that.â
âWhat are you doing here so late?â, Jeongin glances at him puzzled.
âI could ask you the same questionâ, Hyunjin is smirking softly, but Jeongin can see the concern clear in his eyes.
Jeongin sighs and looks away, deliberately ignoring the question, gathers his things. âIâm starving, Iâll head home and have dinnerââ
âYou still didnât have dinner? Itâs almost midnight and youâre also working outâŚâ, Hyunjin frowns and walks around him, scanning the room.
Jeongin closes his eyes, cursing himself for letting that small detail slip out. âI just⌠forgotââ
âWhoa,â Hyunjinâs eyes land on the plates on each side of the bar, widening in shock. âAre you crazy!?â
Jeongin presses his lips together, caught guilty. âDonât worry, reallyâŚâ
âDonât worry?! What the hell, Jeongin? Letâs go home, nowâ, his tone admits no arguing.
âHyung, Iâm fineâ â
âAnd you want me to believe that?â
Jeongin sighs, resigned. Heâs so stubborn. Actually everyone in that team is.
When Jeongin and Hyunjin enter the dorm, Chan is already waiting for them sitting at the table, his gaze lands on Jeongin both concerned and disappointed, ready to scold him.
Jeongin saw Hyunjin text him on the way back, no wonders he knows.
He glances over his shoulder. Same look on Hyunjinâs face.
He groans and roll his eyes. âOh, donât even start, please, I donât need to hear any of the things youâre gonna say.â
âYou canât bottle up your emotions and vent like that,â Chan immediately ignore his words. âYou couldâve hurt yourself!â
âThat didnât happenâ
âIt could have, though!â
Jeongin sighs and looks down, ashamed. Heâs right. Will he ever not be?
âEat something right nowâ, Hyunjin quickly points out.
Of course while he ate, they both demanded him to tell everything that happened that night that got him so upset.
âIâm not upset, by the way. Iâm okay, resigned I canât do anything.â
âBullshit.â, Hyunjin almost scoffs, making Jeongin roll his eyes.
Chan looks up at him and hum. âThat sounds like hell.â
It is. Jeongin shakes that thought away.
âIâm sorry, InnieâŚâ
âI donât need your pity--â
âItâs not pity. Stop being so damn proud and accept that maybe sometimes itâs fine to admit youâre not okay, to let people help you!â
Chanâs words hit like a punch right into his face, making him almost flinch.
Jeongin is always putting on smile, even when heâs having a hard time, he always tries to not lose it; he always does his best to let people rely on him, he never wants to show weakness. Heâs most upset when his people are having hard time, so he just forgets about himself.
But does being human mean being weak? Didnât bottling up emotions bring him to exhaustion?
He frowns and bites down hard on his lower lip, trying desperately to hold back the tears threatening to spill down his cheek. He immediately feels his friendsâ hands on him, grounding him, trying to comfort him.
He exhales deeply, his voice slightly hoarse and shaky from the effort of holding everything in. âI miss her so badâŚâ
Thatâs it. What heâd been trying to deny with all his efforts for the past three days now surges to the surface, hitting worse than Jeongin could have ever imagined.
The truth is that Jeongin has missed you for weeksâmaybe even for months. The truth is, heâs never had you the way heâs always wanted. That aching sense of longing has never left him and he canât hide it anymore.
Hyunjin and Chan kept comforting him, but convinced him to go to bed as soon as possible. Theyâre busy today, emotional exhaustion is enough for Jeongin to be tired as hell.
Between recordings and fan signs, Jeongin barely had time to think. He found comfort in his job, interacting with his fans, enjoying their gifts and performing.
Now that they all had lunch, back at the company, theyâre resting a bit before starting with rehearsal. They have to practice more for the promotion of the B-side track, he knows, but he feels pain everywhere.
Maybe working out that much last night wasnât a good idea. He wonât tell Chan, thatâs for sure. He wonât tolerate any âI told you soâ from him.
His heart skips a beat when he hears a faint, familiar laugh. He straightens up, hoping he heard wrong, but the world around him stops when you enter the room and your gaze immediately finds his.
He sees you stopping on your feet, but heâs probably imagining things, because in an instant youâre already looking away and talking with the same person you came in with. Jaehyun.
Jeongin looks away as well.
Pretending like you donât exist for each other seems like a better way to go through this for both of you, apparently.
You two donât have to interact with each other, itâs not necessary, so Jeongin convinces himself that itâs okay to be in the same room as long as it is about work.
So they start practicing. Seeing you being so close to your new boyfriend doesnât affect him at all. He is definitely not clenching his jaw or feeling like his blood could evaporate at any moment.
When they finally take a break, he widens his eyes noticing that time is passing so slowly. All he can think about is ending these damn rehearsals and leave as soon as possible, even though he wonât ever admit that heâs going insane because of your presence.
Heâs not, because thereâs no reason to be. At most, heâs embarrassed.
The fact that just last night he admitted that heâs missing you⌠well, it was a lie.
Even now, that theyâre on stage and youâre here too to work, that youâre so close to fix his hair, he can say that heâs not missing you. His heart is not racing due to your proximity and he did not just inhale as much as he could to breathe in your scent that he hasnât smelled for way too long.
He presses his lips together, cursing whoever made you fix his hair out of all members, and tries his best to avoid eye contact.
âHow are you feeling?â, you ask while fixing the last details.
His heart skips a beat as he hears your soft, hesitant voice, so low he thought you were talking to yourself.
He resists the urge to clear his voice and answer. âGood. Itâs just the umpteenth stage, Iâm used to thisâ, his voice comes out colder than he intended, or perhaps sharp or even annoyed.
You nod once. âRight⌠stupid question.â
He can sense that thereâs more, that that question probably wasnât about performing.
 Yet, you step away, get out of his sight as soon as you can.
He ignores the fact that, for the first time in so long, youâre not wishing him good luck, ignores the pang in his chest caused by that loss.
This little interaction ignites something in him, a strange feeling.
They have to get on stage in fifteen minutes. He stands there, his eyes fixed on the clock, not actually looking at it, while his members warm up their voices or simply bicker, as usual.
His mind is now reckless due to that almost inexistent interaction with you, he canât help but think of how things were so different from now. He used to provoke you and tease you to get a reaction out of you; you liked to cling onto him and always cheer him up. You used to make him feel your presence in his life in every possible way.
And now⌠nothing. Just a question and a cold answer. And itâs mostly his fault. He blames himself, because he fell in love. What could you do?
He had to confess to you. He tried to quench his thirst for you, he wasnât able.
He is scared of what will happen if things stay this way. He wants to do something, heâs willing to do anything. But what could work? Probably nothing.
He feels hopeless. You surely canât force your feelings, especially now that you seem so happily dating, so why you got to take up hella space in his mind?
He sighs and barely resists the urge to nervously run a hand through his hair, only because he wouldnât want to ruin the hairstyle and have you fixing it, so close again.
Felix sits next to him and immediately rest his head on his shoulder.
âIs everything okay?â, he asks so softly.
Jeongin of course told everything to all of his membersâafter Chan and Hyunjin scolded him.
âYou were slowly getting better, whatâs up now?â, Felix adds.
Jeongin sighs and force a smile. âLetâs focus on the stage now, itâs nothing that urges to be solved right now.â
Felix nods, understanding, and stands up, Jeongin follows him.
He takes a deep breath and follows his member onto the stage, trying to smile.
A genuine one slowly grows on his lips, as his fans cheer them up.
Itâs been restless days due to the comeback. After a week full of work, things are a bit calmer now, they manage to finally be less tired, somehow.
Jeongin is surprised to realise that, hanging out with his members, heâs having fun, genuinely.
Heâs not forcing any laugh or smile, he hasnât that constant feel of loss hidden somewhere in his mind.
He is getting better.
Maybe the members werenât wrong. Letting people comfort you, in any way they can, actually helps.
This doesnât mean that his feelings for you disappeared. Theyâre probably as strong as before. His heart still skips a beat when his eyes accidentally land on you, it still flatters sadly when he hears your laugh, which hasnât happened in days, but he believes heâs just not noticing it, that heâs managing to get over you so heâs not aware of it anymore. He still wishes things were different, that he didnât ruin your friendship, but heâs convincing himself that heâs feeling like this because you were a routine, because he was used to have you around.
Sometimes he still wonders if heâs lying to himself, but he always pushes that thought away and shut his mind and repeats to himself that heâs not lying.
Then why does his heart stop when your name appears on his phone?
|Hey
He blinks down at his phone on the table, puts down the cup of coffee he was drinking and just stare at the message, probably deciding if this is some sort of dream or hallucination.
His eyes open impossibly wide when another notification makes his phone light up again. He quickly grabs it.
You busy?
He inhales a deep breathâhe didnât realise he was holding it.
He huffs and groan, nervous and frustrated.
After what I felt like hours, he types back.
Nope.
??
He sends it and almost throws the phone away. He wonât let you see that heâs waiting for you to answer back.
Anyway, his phone barely has time to buzz again before he grabs it to see your text.
 So here they are, at his dorm, sitting at the table in the kitchen. You are fidgeting, so is Jeongin.
âSoâŚâ, you speak first, of course. You were the one asking to meet up. âHow are you holding up?â
He can hear the hint of hesitation in your voice as you ask that.
He clears his voice, puts all of his efforts in lifting his gaze to meet yours.
âIâm⌠doing good. Reallyâ, and he mean it, he feels getting better. âHow about you?â
You nod nervously. âIâm doing okay, too.â
âGreatâŚâ
He takes in your sitting form, can see you nervous for god knows what.
He decides to break the embarrassing silence that just settled. âSo⌠what brings you here?â
âOh⌠right.â
Jeongin almost frowns, it seems like you didnât want him to ask.
âWell, I⌠I hoped we could have a talk.â
âTalk to me?â
âYeahâŚâ
âUh⌠about what?â, he really is confused, especially because of your visible agitation. You canât even lift your gaze up from the table. Should he be scared?
He watches you sigh and your brows twitch.
âWeâve been pretty distant lately.â
Oh, have we?
âAnd I donât like itâ
He almost scoffs. What the hell?
He doesnât say anything. He doesnât even know what he should say, actually.
You seem to notice his confusion and take a deep breath before continuing.
âI have an idea of why it happened andâIâm so sorry about it...â
He shakes his head softly. âWhy apologising when itâs not your fault?â
âWho says itâs not?â
He presses his lips together.
âItâs just thatâyou know, not having you around feels weird, and over time itâs becoming harder.â
Jeonginâs breath hitches. He surely didnât expect this.
âIâdonât know what to say... I mean, yeah, schedule is pretty busy.â
âJeongin I work for you. YetâŚâ
He loosens a heavy breath. âI donât understand where youâre going.â
You avert your gaze for a brief moment, as if looking for the strength to keep going with this conversation. âYou know how they say, you donât know what you have until itâs gone.â
His heart is bumping so loudly he fears it can jump out of his chest. That means nothing.
âWhatâŚ?â
Your gaze on him is filled with both fear and hope.
All of a sudden, his nerves snap.
âY/n, do you understand what youâre doing right now?â, his voice is still low and controlled, somehow.
You blink, confused. âWhat do you mean?â
He smirks bitterly and leans back against his chair. âYou⌠youâre being selfish by coming here, saying all of this bullshit.â
You frown, caught off guard by his harsh words. âJeonginââ
âDo you know how much time itâs taking for me to get better? I was working on it, I was succeeding. You canât just come here andâandâŚâ He huffs, feeling breathless.
âIâm sorry, really. I justâI miss you. And I damn know what Iâm saying, what Iâm doing.â
He raises his eyebrows. âI donât think your boyfriend would be happy knowing youâre saying this to the guy whoâs in love with you.â
Those words make you stop. He notices you freezing and tilts his head. Weird.
He watches you avert your gaze, you look hurt.
âWhat is it?â, his tone comes sharper than he intended.
âHeâs not my boyfriend. Not anymore.â
He processes your words slowly, then scoffs. âDid you last one month at least?â
You roll your eyes, carefully ignoring his gaze.
He stops to look at you, gather your reaction.
âInterestingâŚâ, he murmurs to himself. For just a mere second, he was about to fall for it. He wishes he was getting this wrong.
After what felt like an eternity of silence, he gets up and runs a hand through his hair. âI beg you to leave.â
Your head snaps towards him. âWhat?!â
He huffs. âI wonât come back just because you broke up and need someone to rely on.â
Your voice raises in the slightest, you look offended. âYou think I would do such thing?!â
He stays silent. He doesnât. Then what are you doing here?
You scoff incredulous, get up from the chair and stand across from him. âI thought you knew me well enough!â, disappointment clear in your voice.
He scowls. âCan you blame me, Y/n? I mean, look at me! Pretending Iâm getting better, while my mind canât get enough of the memories of us and⌠fuck, this hurts my prideâ, he lets out a sharp breath. âMy feelings are real, canât risk to get hurt again. You just broke up. I canât trust any of the things youâre telling me about missing me or whatever.â
âI broke up with him for you!â
He smiles bitterly. âFor me? I didnât ask.â
âOh my god, youâre getting on my nerves!â
He rolls his eyes.
âI broke up with him because I was looking for something in him that I couldnât find, because I was looking for you! And all of these days without youâthey were hell.â
Jeonginâs mind races, full of thoughts and feelings he canât put a name to as he processes your words. Â Heâs shocked.
âI⌠I never felt the way I feel with you. No one has ever or will ever love me for being myself, but youâ, you stop for a brief moment, out of breath. âI need you to believe me when I say I realised that without I feel incomplete, that I was so blindââ
He doesnât let you say any other word. He takes a few steps towards you, cups your face and kisses you with need, as though his life depended on it.
Youâre caught off guard at first, but quickly you melt under his touch and kiss him back, your hands grasping the fabric of his sweater so tight. The hum you let out against his lips only fuels to his hunger of you. He groans, feels sparks everywhere, while one of his hands goes down to hold onto your waist and pull you closer, his tongue darts out to trace the outline of your bottom lip, asking for access.
You sigh as your lips part and his tongue meet yours, making him almost whimper. He grabs your hips and push them against the edge of the table, getting a gasp out of you that has him needing more.
The sound of the door unlocking echoes through the room. Both of you stiffen, Jeongin gets away as if burnt.
He clears his throat, realising just now the weight of what he just did. He runs a hand through his hair, his eyes roaming over your body.
Chan steps in, but freezes seeing you two so embarrassed, especially you two in the same room. Alone. After so long.
âHello?â, his voice is hesitant.
Jeonginâs eyes are wide open, meanwhile you donât even lift your gaze. âHiâ, Jeongin greets breathless.
âUh⌠wrong moment to come home, I see. Iâll come back laterââ
âNoâno, I was about to leave anywayâ, you quickly stop him from leaving and force a smile out of courtesy.
Jeongin looks at you, nervous and puzzled. Leave?
Chan nods and retreats in his room, leaving you alone again.
The tension is palpable in the room; Chan must have felt that.
Youâre about to gather your things, when Jeongin grabs your wrist to stop you from doing anything.
He doesnât know how he manages to actually say those words, but he needs you to not leave.
âPlease⌠hold on. Iâm sorry, I shouldnât have kissed youâ, heâs willing to do anything to keep you with him, he canât lose you, not again. âDonât leaveâŚâ his voice is barely above a whisper.
Heâs conflicted, he doesnât know how to feel. Heâs still upset, confused, yet he wants you close right now.
Your gaze softens as it lands on him.
He sees you being doubtful. He feels like panicking, his hold on your wrist tightens in the slightest. âLetâs talk it outâI didnât want to kiss you like thatââ
âItâs okayâŚâ, you cut him off.
âIs it?â
He takes a deep breath relieved as you nod.
You follow Jeongin in his room, to have some more privacy, even though you both know Chan wore his headphones in order to not hear from you.
Jeongin is still shaken. He sits on the edge of his bed, silently waiting for you to get beside him.
He almost flinches when your soft voice sounds closer than he thought.
âI donât want you to apologise for kissing me.â
His eyes immediately dart on you.
âI meant everything I told you. I donât like that you think Iâm stringing you along.â
He listens every word carefully, a bit agitated. Can he believe you?
He takes a shaky breath, unsure. âPut yourself in my shoes. Itâs been a year since I realised that I fell in love with you, this is all so sudden.â
You nod understanding. âThatâs why, if youâre willing to give me a chance, weâll take things slowly.â
He nods with a bit too much enthusiasm. âOf courseâ
The sight of you smiling softly makes his heart skip a beat and instinctively smile back, not being able to prevent his eyes from roaming over your face.
Itâs now been a week and Jeongin feels like breathing again after being too long underwater.
Things are back to normal, or even better. He teases you, has little stupid fights with you, spends evenings watching embarrassing kdramas with you like you always used to. But he can sense that little change in both of your demeanours: touches linger, he clings onto you more, your eyes flicker to his lips, even for a brief second, more often than not.
The members also noticed the tension (a positive one finally) between the two of you, and the teasing doesnât miss, not even once, especially from Changbin and Seungmin, of course.
âYou never bother Minho and Jisung like thisâ, you whine during a movie night.
âBecause Minho could kill us at any momentâ, Changbin whines back.
âOh, you donât see me capable of that, too?â, you dare him.
âNot at allâ
You gasp dramatically and throw a cushion right into his face.
The rest of them burst into laughs, making you cross your arms over your chest and pout offended, playfully.
Jeonginâs eyes linger on you, his gaze hopelessly fond.
Furthermore, Jeongin couldnât be more glad that nor you or him denies whatever is happening, and despite them teasing so muchâand you pretending to hate itâthe members donât make it weird.
âTake off your shoesâ, Jeongin hums to bother you as you two step in his dorm, back from a little dateâjust a walk on Han river, nothing of unusual.
You roll your eyes. âIâm doing it!â
He chuckles. He puts the empty cups on the counter, mentally noting to throw them away later, and turns to you, who are already standing beside him.
âThe boba tea was goodâ, you state firmly.
âI figured since you drank it in⌠maybe two minutes.â
You elbow him in the side, making him flinch.
âWatch yourself!â
âYouâre an idiot!â
âAm I?â
He doesnât let you repeat that, he grabs your wrists to hold them still and tickles you with his free hand.
He laughs hearing you scream. He knows how sensible you are, in fact he doesnât make it last too much, already seeing you out of breath.
He frees you and you immediately hit his arm. He doesnât even flinch, keeps laughing instead, which makes you even more annoyed.
You huff and step away from him, distancing yourself as much as you can and crossing your arms over your chest. âI canât stand you, really.â
âOh, donât be offendedâ, he closes the distance and stands behind you. Seeing you not giving in to him, he wraps his arms around you, back hugging you, his chin rests on your shoulder as he inhales your scent.
You barely protest, trying to shake him off but he resists it. It actually takes little for you to roll your eyes and melt in his embrace, leaning back against his chest.
âYouâre an idiot, youâve been teasing me all nightâ, but he can hear the fondness in your voice.
âDonât act like you donât like itâ, he whispers, his breath ghosting over your ear.
âYou know I get shy.âÂ
âYeah and youâre so cuteâ, his voice is now low.
You turn in his arms and look at him with those puppy eyes that he loves so much itâs making him want to squeeze you if it didnât hurt you.
His gaze flickers on your lips on its own. You two havenât shared a kiss since that afternoon and he has craved to feel your lips again since then.
He sighs and forces himself to look away. âY/nââ
Your lips against his make his breath hitch. It was only a brief touch, but his mind went blank. He looks down at you, eyes slightly wide.
He sees you smiling softly, immediately leans into your touch as your fingers move a strand of hair away from his forehead.
âNow Iâm the one making you flustered.â
He chuckles lowly and pulls you closer against him. âThat wasnât enough.â
You frown, puzzled. âHuh?â
He doesnât explain any further, he tilts your chin up and kisses you, slow, tender.
He feels butterflies going wild in his stomach. He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against yours.
âYou have no idea how you make me feel.â
You smile, your eyes roaming over his features.
He kisses your lips again. He will never get enough.
âIâm glad I found youâ, you whisper between kisses.
His heart flatters full of love for you.
He pulls you into another kiss, a much hungrier now, his tongue coaxing your mouth open, seeking more of your taste. His fingers slide under the hem of your shirt, feeling you shivering. Your warmth and your fingers tangle in his hair making him dizzy.
âWe have to stopâ
âNo, we donât.â
Jeongin thinks he canât love you more than this.
genre: angst, SLOW burn, idol!jeongin, friends to lovers Synopsis: Jeongin is trying hard to forget you, disappear from your life as much as he can, reducing your relationship to only professional terms, just because heâs forced due to your jobs. Does he little know that his absence in your life made you realise that you only find what you loved the most, once youâve lost it?
wc: â4.8k
an: Iâm baaack!!! Iâm not so convinced but enjoy it anyway, I think itâs cute. lil reminder eng is not my first language.
Heâs sweating, panting. His muscles hurt, heâs probably doing too much, using too much weight. He doesnât care as long as he manages to shut his mind.
His phone keeps buzzing due to Chanâs concerned texts.
Ayen, come back.
Stop doing this to yourself. Itâs better to talk it out. Iâm here, you know I am.
He groans as he lets down the weights.
Two days ago their new album came out. The schedule was busy, but not enough for him to fill his mind.
The first show didnât go well; everyone could notice his mind was somewhere else, people on socials wouldnât stop talking about it.
His members didnât know a thing about what happened that night, but they surely could picture it.
You werenât coming to work, you were sick, according to you.
As for him, he couldnât focus on anything, could barely have some stage presence.
He huffs, wiping away some sweat from his forehead. He grabs his phone and quickly taps back
Iâm okay.
Heâs trying to convince himself he is, because he is. All he has to do is pretending nothing had happened.
Easy.
He almost throws away his phone, going back to work out.
Anyway, itâs not like he has something to be mad about. He was upset when he left Felix and Seungminâs dorm, but over time he understood that it's not any of your faults.
So now he just feels⌠weird.
He has a strong feeling of longing, thatâs for sure. He canât bear with the fact that youâre actually dating that guy, because he wishes it were him.
But at the same time he canât make you force your feelings.
So if heâs willing to slowly disappear from your life, itâs not out of bitterness. Heâs actually letting you go, to not make you feel the pressure of having a close friend who is in love with you while you donât love him back that way and youâre dating another guy. It would even be embarrassing for both of you.
Furthermore, he wouldnât even be able to pretend heâs okay having you and him around acting so in love in front of him.
He knows heâs making it bigger. You told him it was just a situation ship, nothing more, currently.
He shakes his head when he realises that his mind started to race again. Thatâs exactly what he was trying to avoid so hard.
He hates that his mind can think on his own, because whenever it starts it puts in front of his eyes images of you laughing, smiling so softly, napping on his shoulder, being so focused while writing on your laptop that your lip ends up trapped between your teeth; the image of the shape of your lips that he liked to glance at as soon as he could anytime he talked to you and that he dreamed to feel so many timesâŚ
âFucking stopâŚâ he scolds himself, then flinches when a voice echoes in the gym.
âNow you talk to yourself?â, Hyunjin asks entering the room with his arms crossed against his chest.
Jeongin lets out a deep breath. âYou scared the hell out of me.â
Hyunjin huffs through a chuckle and lean against the doorframe. He knows heâs sexy. âYeah, I could say that.â
âWhat are you doing here so late?â, Jeongin glances at him puzzled.
âI could ask you the same questionâ, Hyunjin is smirking softly, but Jeongin can see the concern clear in his eyes.
Jeongin sighs and looks away, deliberately ignoring the question, gathers his things. âIâm starving, Iâll head home and have dinnerââ
âYou still didnât have dinner? Itâs almost midnight and youâre also working outâŚâ, Hyunjin frowns and walks around him, scanning the room.
Jeongin closes his eyes, cursing himself for letting that small detail slip out. âI just⌠forgotââ
âWhoa,â Hyunjinâs eyes land on the plates on each side of the bar, widening in shock. âAre you crazy!?â
Jeongin presses his lips together, caught guilty. âDonât worry, reallyâŚâ
âDonât worry?! What the hell, Jeongin? Letâs go home, nowâ, his tone admits no arguing.
âHyung, Iâm fineâ â
âAnd you want me to believe that?â
Jeongin sighs, resigned. Heâs so stubborn. Actually everyone in that team is.
When Jeongin and Hyunjin enter the dorm, Chan is already waiting for them sitting at the table, his gaze lands on Jeongin both concerned and disappointed, ready to scold him.
Jeongin saw Hyunjin text him on the way back, no wonders he knows.
He glances over his shoulder. Same look on Hyunjinâs face.
He groans and roll his eyes. âOh, donât even start, please, I donât need to hear any of the things youâre gonna say.â
âYou canât bottle up your emotions and vent like that,â Chan immediately ignore his words. âYou couldâve hurt yourself!â
âThat didnât happenâ
âIt could have, though!â
Jeongin sighs and looks down, ashamed. Heâs right. Will he ever not be?
âEat something right nowâ, Hyunjin quickly points out.
Of course while he ate, they both demanded him to tell everything that happened that night that got him so upset.
âIâm not upset, by the way. Iâm okay, resigned I canât do anything.â
âBullshit.â, Hyunjin almost scoffs, making Jeongin roll his eyes.
Chan looks up at him and hum. âThat sounds like hell.â
It is. Jeongin shakes that thought away.
âIâm sorry, InnieâŚâ
âI donât need your pity--â
âItâs not pity. Stop being so damn proud and accept that maybe sometimes itâs fine to admit youâre not okay, to let people help you!â
Chanâs words hit like a punch right into his face, making him almost flinch.
Jeongin is always putting on smile, even when heâs having a hard time, he always tries to not lose it; he always does his best to let people rely on him, he never wants to show weakness. Heâs most upset when his people are having hard time, so he just forgets about himself.
But does being human mean being weak? Didnât bottling up emotions bring him to exhaustion?
He frowns and bites down hard on his lower lip, trying desperately to hold back the tears threatening to spill down his cheek. He immediately feels his friendsâ hands on him, grounding him, trying to comfort him.
He exhales deeply, his voice slightly hoarse and shaky from the effort of holding everything in. âI miss her so badâŚâ
Thatâs it. What heâd been trying to deny with all his efforts for the past three days now surges to the surface, hitting worse than Jeongin could have ever imagined.
The truth is that Jeongin has missed you for weeksâmaybe even for months. The truth is, heâs never had you the way heâs always wanted. That aching sense of longing has never left him and he canât hide it anymore.
Hyunjin and Chan kept comforting him, but convinced him to go to bed as soon as possible. Theyâre busy today, emotional exhaustion is enough for Jeongin to be tired as hell.
Between recordings and fan signs, Jeongin barely had time to think. He found comfort in his job, interacting with his fans, enjoying their gifts and performing.
Now that they all had lunch, back at the company, theyâre resting a bit before starting with rehearsal. They have to practice more for the promotion of the B-side track, he knows, but he feels pain everywhere.
Maybe working out that much last night wasnât a good idea. He wonât tell Chan, thatâs for sure. He wonât tolerate any âI told you soâ from him.
His heart skips a beat when he hears a faint, familiar laugh. He straightens up, hoping he heard wrong, but the world around him stops when you enter the room and your gaze immediately finds his.
He sees you stopping on your feet, but heâs probably imagining things, because in an instant youâre already looking away and talking with the same person you came in with. Jaehyun.
Jeongin looks away as well.
Pretending like you donât exist for each other seems like a better way to go through this for both of you, apparently.
You two donât have to interact with each other, itâs not necessary, so Jeongin convinces himself that itâs okay to be in the same room as long as it is about work.
So they start practicing. Seeing you being so close to your new boyfriend doesnât affect him at all. He is definitely not clenching his jaw or feeling like his blood could evaporate at any moment.
When they finally take a break, he widens his eyes noticing that time is passing so slowly. All he can think about is ending these damn rehearsals and leave as soon as possible, even though he wonât ever admit that heâs going insane because of your presence.
Heâs not, because thereâs no reason to be. At most, heâs embarrassed.
The fact that just last night he admitted that heâs missing you⌠well, it was a lie.
Even now, that theyâre on stage and youâre here too to work, that youâre so close to fix his hair, he can say that heâs not missing you. His heart is not racing due to your proximity and he did not just inhale as much as he could to breathe in your scent that he hasnât smelled for way too long.
He presses his lips together, cursing whoever made you fix his hair out of all members, and tries his best to avoid eye contact.
âHow are you feeling?â, you ask while fixing the last details.
His heart skips a beat as he hears your soft, hesitant voice, so low he thought you were talking to yourself.
He resists the urge to clear his voice and answer. âGood. Itâs just the umpteenth stage, Iâm used to thisâ, his voice comes out colder than he intended, or perhaps sharp or even annoyed.
You nod once. âRight⌠stupid question.â
He can sense that thereâs more, that that question probably wasnât about performing.
 Yet, you step away, get out of his sight as soon as you can.
He ignores the fact that, for the first time in so long, youâre not wishing him good luck, ignores the pang in his chest caused by that loss.
This little interaction ignites something in him, a strange feeling.
They have to get on stage in fifteen minutes. He stands there, his eyes fixed on the clock, not actually looking at it, while his members warm up their voices or simply bicker, as usual.
His mind is now reckless due to that almost inexistent interaction with you, he canât help but think of how things were so different from now. He used to provoke you and tease you to get a reaction out of you; you liked to cling onto him and always cheer him up. You used to make him feel your presence in his life in every possible way.
And now⌠nothing. Just a question and a cold answer. And itâs mostly his fault. He blames himself, because he fell in love. What could you do?
He had to confess to you. He tried to quench his thirst for you, he wasnât able.
He is scared of what will happen if things stay this way. He wants to do something, heâs willing to do anything. But what could work? Probably nothing.
He feels hopeless. You surely canât force your feelings, especially now that you seem so happily dating, so why you got to take up hella space in his mind?
He sighs and barely resists the urge to nervously run a hand through his hair, only because he wouldnât want to ruin the hairstyle and have you fixing it, so close again.
Felix sits next to him and immediately rest his head on his shoulder.
âIs everything okay?â, he asks so softly.
Jeongin of course told everything to all of his membersâafter Chan and Hyunjin scolded him.
âYou were slowly getting better, whatâs up now?â, Felix adds.
Jeongin sighs and force a smile. âLetâs focus on the stage now, itâs nothing that urges to be solved right now.â
Felix nods, understanding, and stands up, Jeongin follows him.
He takes a deep breath and follows his member onto the stage, trying to smile.
A genuine one slowly grows on his lips, as his fans cheer them up.
Itâs been restless days due to the comeback. After a week full of work, things are a bit calmer now, they manage to finally be less tired, somehow.
Jeongin is surprised to realise that, hanging out with his members, heâs having fun, genuinely.
Heâs not forcing any laugh or smile, he hasnât that constant feel of loss hidden somewhere in his mind.
He is getting better.
Maybe the members werenât wrong. Letting people comfort you, in any way they can, actually helps.
This doesnât mean that his feelings for you disappeared. Theyâre probably as strong as before. His heart still skips a beat when his eyes accidentally land on you, it still flatters sadly when he hears your laugh, which hasnât happened in days, but he believes heâs just not noticing it, that heâs managing to get over you so heâs not aware of it anymore. He still wishes things were different, that he didnât ruin your friendship, but heâs convincing himself that heâs feeling like this because you were a routine, because he was used to have you around.
Sometimes he still wonders if heâs lying to himself, but he always pushes that thought away and shut his mind and repeats to himself that heâs not lying.
Then why does his heart stop when your name appears on his phone?
|Hey
He blinks down at his phone on the table, puts down the cup of coffee he was drinking and just stare at the message, probably deciding if this is some sort of dream or hallucination.
His eyes open impossibly wide when another notification makes his phone light up again. He quickly grabs it.
You busy?
He inhales a deep breathâhe didnât realise he was holding it.
He huffs and groan, nervous and frustrated.
After what I felt like hours, he types back.
Nope.
??
He sends it and almost throws the phone away. He wonât let you see that heâs waiting for you to answer back.
Anyway, his phone barely has time to buzz again before he grabs it to see your text.
 So here they are, at his dorm, sitting at the table in the kitchen. You are fidgeting, so is Jeongin.
âSoâŚâ, you speak first, of course. You were the one asking to meet up. âHow are you holding up?â
He can hear the hint of hesitation in your voice as you ask that.
He clears his voice, puts all of his efforts in lifting his gaze to meet yours.
âIâm⌠doing good. Reallyâ, and he mean it, he feels getting better. âHow about you?â
You nod nervously. âIâm doing okay, too.â
âGreatâŚâ
He takes in your sitting form, can see you nervous for god knows what.
He decides to break the embarrassing silence that just settled. âSo⌠what brings you here?â
âOh⌠right.â
Jeongin almost frowns, it seems like you didnât want him to ask.
âWell, I⌠I hoped we could have a talk.â
âTalk to me?â
âYeahâŚâ
âUh⌠about what?â, he really is confused, especially because of your visible agitation. You canât even lift your gaze up from the table. Should he be scared?
He watches you sigh and your brows twitch.
âWeâve been pretty distant lately.â
Oh, have we?
âAnd I donât like itâ
He almost scoffs. What the hell?
He doesnât say anything. He doesnât even know what he should say, actually.
You seem to notice his confusion and take a deep breath before continuing.
âI have an idea of why it happened andâIâm so sorry about it...â
He shakes his head softly. âWhy apologising when itâs not your fault?â
âWho says itâs not?â
He presses his lips together.
âItâs just thatâyou know, not having you around feels weird, and over time itâs becoming harder.â
Jeonginâs breath hitches. He surely didnât expect this.
âIâdonât know what to say... I mean, yeah, schedule is pretty busy.â
âJeongin I work for you. YetâŚâ
He loosens a heavy breath. âI donât understand where youâre going.â
You avert your gaze for a brief moment, as if looking for the strength to keep going with this conversation. âYou know how they say, you donât know what you have until itâs gone.â
His heart is bumping so loudly he fears it can jump out of his chest. That means nothing.
âWhatâŚ?â
Your gaze on him is filled with both fear and hope.
All of a sudden, his nerves snap.
âY/n, do you understand what youâre doing right now?â, his voice is still low and controlled, somehow.
You blink, confused. âWhat do you mean?â
He smirks bitterly and leans back against his chair. âYou⌠youâre being selfish by coming here, saying all of this bullshit.â
You frown, caught off guard by his harsh words. âJeonginââ
âDo you know how much time itâs taking for me to get better? I was working on it, I was succeeding. You canât just come here andâandâŚâ He huffs, feeling breathless.
âIâm sorry, really. I justâI miss you. And I damn know what Iâm saying, what Iâm doing.â
He raises his eyebrows. âI donât think your boyfriend would be happy knowing youâre saying this to the guy whoâs in love with you.â
Those words make you stop. He notices you freezing and tilts his head. Weird.
He watches you avert your gaze, you look hurt.
âWhat is it?â, his tone comes sharper than he intended.
âHeâs not my boyfriend. Not anymore.â
He processes your words slowly, then scoffs. âDid you last one month at least?â
You roll your eyes, carefully ignoring his gaze.
He stops to look at you, gather your reaction.
âInterestingâŚâ, he murmurs to himself. For just a mere second, he was about to fall for it. He wishes he was getting this wrong.
After what felt like an eternity of silence, he gets up and runs a hand through his hair. âI beg you to leave.â
Your head snaps towards him. âWhat?!â
He huffs. âI wonât come back just because you broke up and need someone to rely on.â
Your voice raises in the slightest, you look offended. âYou think I would do such thing?!â
He stays silent. He doesnât. Then what are you doing here?
You scoff incredulous, get up from the chair and stand across from him. âI thought you knew me well enough!â, disappointment clear in your voice.
He scowls. âCan you blame me, Y/n? I mean, look at me! Pretending Iâm getting better, while my mind canât get enough of the memories of us and⌠fuck, this hurts my prideâ, he lets out a sharp breath. âMy feelings are real, canât risk to get hurt again. You just broke up. I canât trust any of the things youâre telling me about missing me or whatever.â
âI broke up with him for you!â
He smiles bitterly. âFor me? I didnât ask.â
âOh my god, youâre getting on my nerves!â
He rolls his eyes.
âI broke up with him because I was looking for something in him that I couldnât find, because I was looking for you! And all of these days without youâthey were hell.â
Jeonginâs mind races, full of thoughts and feelings he canât put a name to as he processes your words. Â Heâs shocked.
âI⌠I never felt the way I feel with you. No one has ever or will ever love me for being myself, but youâ, you stop for a brief moment, out of breath. âI need you to believe me when I say I realised that without I feel incomplete, that I was so blindââ
He doesnât let you say any other word. He takes a few steps towards you, cups your face and kisses you with need, as though his life depended on it.
Youâre caught off guard at first, but quickly you melt under his touch and kiss him back, your hands grasping the fabric of his sweater so tight. The hum you let out against his lips only fuels to his hunger of you. He groans, feels sparks everywhere, while one of his hands goes down to hold onto your waist and pull you closer, his tongue darts out to trace the outline of your bottom lip, asking for access.
You sigh as your lips part and his tongue meet yours, making him almost whimper. He grabs your hips and push them against the edge of the table, getting a gasp out of you that has him needing more.
The sound of the door unlocking echoes through the room. Both of you stiffen, Jeongin gets away as if burnt.
He clears his throat, realising just now the weight of what he just did. He runs a hand through his hair, his eyes roaming over your body.
Chan steps in, but freezes seeing you two so embarrassed, especially you two in the same room. Alone. After so long.
âHello?â, his voice is hesitant.
Jeonginâs eyes are wide open, meanwhile you donât even lift your gaze. âHiâ, Jeongin greets breathless.
âUh⌠wrong moment to come home, I see. Iâll come back laterââ
âNoâno, I was about to leave anywayâ, you quickly stop him from leaving and force a smile out of courtesy.
Jeongin looks at you, nervous and puzzled. Leave?
Chan nods and retreats in his room, leaving you alone again.
The tension is palpable in the room; Chan must have felt that.
Youâre about to gather your things, when Jeongin grabs your wrist to stop you from doing anything.
He doesnât know how he manages to actually say those words, but he needs you to not leave.
âPlease⌠hold on. Iâm sorry, I shouldnât have kissed youâ, heâs willing to do anything to keep you with him, he canât lose you, not again. âDonât leaveâŚâ his voice is barely above a whisper.
Heâs conflicted, he doesnât know how to feel. Heâs still upset, confused, yet he wants you close right now.
Your gaze softens as it lands on him.
He sees you being doubtful. He feels like panicking, his hold on your wrist tightens in the slightest. âLetâs talk it outâI didnât want to kiss you like thatââ
âItâs okayâŚâ, you cut him off.
âIs it?â
He takes a deep breath relieved as you nod.
You follow Jeongin in his room, to have some more privacy, even though you both know Chan wore his headphones in order to not hear from you.
Jeongin is still shaken. He sits on the edge of his bed, silently waiting for you to get beside him.
He almost flinches when your soft voice sounds closer than he thought.
âI donât want you to apologise for kissing me.â
His eyes immediately dart on you.
âI meant everything I told you. I donât like that you think Iâm stringing you along.â
He listens every word carefully, a bit agitated. Can he believe you?
He takes a shaky breath, unsure. âPut yourself in my shoes. Itâs been a year since I realised that I fell in love with you, this is all so sudden.â
You nod understanding. âThatâs why, if youâre willing to give me a chance, weâll take things slowly.â
He nods with a bit too much enthusiasm. âOf courseâ
The sight of you smiling softly makes his heart skip a beat and instinctively smile back, not being able to prevent his eyes from roaming over your face.
Itâs now been a week and Jeongin feels like breathing again after being too long underwater.
Things are back to normal, or even better. He teases you, has little stupid fights with you, spends evenings watching embarrassing kdramas with you like you always used to. But he can sense that little change in both of your demeanours: touches linger, he clings onto you more, your eyes flicker to his lips, even for a brief second, more often than not.
The members also noticed the tension (a positive one finally) between the two of you, and the teasing doesnât miss, not even once, especially from Changbin and Seungmin, of course.
âYou never bother Minho and Jisung like thisâ, you whine during a movie night.
âBecause Minho could kill us at any momentâ, Changbin whines back.
âOh, you donât see me capable of that, too?â, you dare him.
âNot at allâ
You gasp dramatically and throw a cushion right into his face.
The rest of them burst into laughs, making you cross your arms over your chest and pout offended, playfully.
Jeonginâs eyes linger on you, his gaze hopelessly fond.
Furthermore, Jeongin couldnât be more glad that nor you or him denies whatever is happening, and despite them teasing so muchâand you pretending to hate itâthe members donât make it weird.
âTake off your shoesâ, Jeongin hums to bother you as you two step in his dorm, back from a little dateâjust a walk on Han river, nothing of unusual.
You roll your eyes. âIâm doing it!â
He chuckles. He puts the empty cups on the counter, mentally noting to throw them away later, and turns to you, who are already standing beside him.
âThe boba tea was goodâ, you state firmly.
âI figured since you drank it in⌠maybe two minutes.â
You elbow him in the side, making him flinch.
âWatch yourself!â
âYouâre an idiot!â
âAm I?â
He doesnât let you repeat that, he grabs your wrists to hold them still and tickles you with his free hand.
He laughs hearing you scream. He knows how sensible you are, in fact he doesnât make it last too much, already seeing you out of breath.
He frees you and you immediately hit his arm. He doesnât even flinch, keeps laughing instead, which makes you even more annoyed.
You huff and step away from him, distancing yourself as much as you can and crossing your arms over your chest. âI canât stand you, really.â
âOh, donât be offendedâ, he closes the distance and stands behind you. Seeing you not giving in to him, he wraps his arms around you, back hugging you, his chin rests on your shoulder as he inhales your scent.
You barely protest, trying to shake him off but he resists it. It actually takes little for you to roll your eyes and melt in his embrace, leaning back against his chest.
âYouâre an idiot, youâve been teasing me all nightâ, but he can hear the fondness in your voice.
âDonât act like you donât like itâ, he whispers, his breath ghosting over your ear.
âYou know I get shy.âÂ
âYeah and youâre so cuteâ, his voice is now low.
You turn in his arms and look at him with those puppy eyes that he loves so much itâs making him want to squeeze you if it didnât hurt you.
His gaze flickers on your lips on its own. You two havenât shared a kiss since that afternoon and he has craved to feel your lips again since then.
He sighs and forces himself to look away. âY/nââ
Your lips against his make his breath hitch. It was only a brief touch, but his mind went blank. He looks down at you, eyes slightly wide.
He sees you smiling softly, immediately leans into your touch as your fingers move a strand of hair away from his forehead.
âNow Iâm the one making you flustered.â
He chuckles lowly and pulls you closer against him. âThat wasnât enough.â
You frown, puzzled. âHuh?â
He doesnât explain any further, he tilts your chin up and kisses you, slow, tender.
He feels butterflies going wild in his stomach. He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against yours.
âYou have no idea how you make me feel.â
You smile, your eyes roaming over his features.
He kisses your lips again. He will never get enough.
âIâm glad I found youâ, you whisper between kisses.
His heart flatters full of love for you.
He pulls you into another kiss, a much hungrier now, his tongue coaxing your mouth open, seeking more of your taste. His fingers slide under the hem of your shirt, feeling you shivering. Your warmth and your fingers tangle in his hair making him dizzy.
âWe have to stopâ
âNo, we donât.â
Jeongin thinks he canât love you more than this.
genre: angst, SLOW burn, idol!jeongin, friends to lovers Synopsis: Jeongin is trying hard to forget you, disappear from your life as much as he can, reducing your relationship to only professional terms, just because heâs forced due to your jobs. Does he little know that his absence in your life made you realise that you only find what you loved the most, once youâve lost it?
wc: â4.8k
an: Iâm baaack!!! Iâm not so convinced but enjoy it anyway, I think itâs cute. lil reminder eng is not my first language.
Heâs sweating, panting. His muscles hurt, heâs probably doing too much, using too much weight. He doesnât care as long as he manages to shut his mind.
His phone keeps buzzing due to Chanâs concerned texts.
Ayen, come back.
Stop doing this to yourself. Itâs better to talk it out. Iâm here, you know I am.
He groans as he lets down the weights.
Two days ago their new album came out. The schedule was busy, but not enough for him to fill his mind.
The first show didnât go well; everyone could notice his mind was somewhere else, people on socials wouldnât stop talking about it.
His members didnât know a thing about what happened that night, but they surely could picture it.
You werenât coming to work, you were sick, according to you.
As for him, he couldnât focus on anything, could barely have some stage presence.
He huffs, wiping away some sweat from his forehead. He grabs his phone and quickly taps back
Iâm okay.
Heâs trying to convince himself he is, because he is. All he has to do is pretending nothing had happened.
Easy.
He almost throws away his phone, going back to work out.
Anyway, itâs not like he has something to be mad about. He was upset when he left Felix and Seungminâs dorm, but over time he understood that it's not any of your faults.
So now he just feels⌠weird.
He has a strong feeling of longing, thatâs for sure. He canât bear with the fact that youâre actually dating that guy, because he wishes it were him.
But at the same time he canât make you force your feelings.
So if heâs willing to slowly disappear from your life, itâs not out of bitterness. Heâs actually letting you go, to not make you feel the pressure of having a close friend who is in love with you while you donât love him back that way and youâre dating another guy. It would even be embarrassing for both of you.
Furthermore, he wouldnât even be able to pretend heâs okay having you and him around acting so in love in front of him.
He knows heâs making it bigger. You told him it was just a situation ship, nothing more, currently.
He shakes his head when he realises that his mind started to race again. Thatâs exactly what he was trying to avoid so hard.
He hates that his mind can think on his own, because whenever it starts it puts in front of his eyes images of you laughing, smiling so softly, napping on his shoulder, being so focused while writing on your laptop that your lip ends up trapped between your teeth; the image of the shape of your lips that he liked to glance at as soon as he could anytime he talked to you and that he dreamed to feel so many timesâŚ
âFucking stopâŚâ he scolds himself, then flinches when a voice echoes in the gym.
âNow you talk to yourself?â, Hyunjin asks entering the room with his arms crossed against his chest.
Jeongin lets out a deep breath. âYou scared the hell out of me.â
Hyunjin huffs through a chuckle and lean against the doorframe. He knows heâs sexy. âYeah, I could say that.â
âWhat are you doing here so late?â, Jeongin glances at him puzzled.
âI could ask you the same questionâ, Hyunjin is smirking softly, but Jeongin can see the concern clear in his eyes.
Jeongin sighs and looks away, deliberately ignoring the question, gathers his things. âIâm starving, Iâll head home and have dinnerââ
âYou still didnât have dinner? Itâs almost midnight and youâre also working outâŚâ, Hyunjin frowns and walks around him, scanning the room.
Jeongin closes his eyes, cursing himself for letting that small detail slip out. âI just⌠forgotââ
âWhoa,â Hyunjinâs eyes land on the plates on each side of the bar, widening in shock. âAre you crazy!?â
Jeongin presses his lips together, caught guilty. âDonât worry, reallyâŚâ
âDonât worry?! What the hell, Jeongin? Letâs go home, nowâ, his tone admits no arguing.
âHyung, Iâm fineâ â
âAnd you want me to believe that?â
Jeongin sighs, resigned. Heâs so stubborn. Actually everyone in that team is.
When Jeongin and Hyunjin enter the dorm, Chan is already waiting for them sitting at the table, his gaze lands on Jeongin both concerned and disappointed, ready to scold him.
Jeongin saw Hyunjin text him on the way back, no wonders he knows.
He glances over his shoulder. Same look on Hyunjinâs face.
He groans and roll his eyes. âOh, donât even start, please, I donât need to hear any of the things youâre gonna say.â
âYou canât bottle up your emotions and vent like that,â Chan immediately ignore his words. âYou couldâve hurt yourself!â
âThat didnât happenâ
âIt could have, though!â
Jeongin sighs and looks down, ashamed. Heâs right. Will he ever not be?
âEat something right nowâ, Hyunjin quickly points out.
Of course while he ate, they both demanded him to tell everything that happened that night that got him so upset.
âIâm not upset, by the way. Iâm okay, resigned I canât do anything.â
âBullshit.â, Hyunjin almost scoffs, making Jeongin roll his eyes.
Chan looks up at him and hum. âThat sounds like hell.â
It is. Jeongin shakes that thought away.
âIâm sorry, InnieâŚâ
âI donât need your pity--â
âItâs not pity. Stop being so damn proud and accept that maybe sometimes itâs fine to admit youâre not okay, to let people help you!â
Chanâs words hit like a punch right into his face, making him almost flinch.
Jeongin is always putting on smile, even when heâs having a hard time, he always tries to not lose it; he always does his best to let people rely on him, he never wants to show weakness. Heâs most upset when his people are having hard time, so he just forgets about himself.
But does being human mean being weak? Didnât bottling up emotions bring him to exhaustion?
He frowns and bites down hard on his lower lip, trying desperately to hold back the tears threatening to spill down his cheek. He immediately feels his friendsâ hands on him, grounding him, trying to comfort him.
He exhales deeply, his voice slightly hoarse and shaky from the effort of holding everything in. âI miss her so badâŚâ
Thatâs it. What heâd been trying to deny with all his efforts for the past three days now surges to the surface, hitting worse than Jeongin could have ever imagined.
The truth is that Jeongin has missed you for weeksâmaybe even for months. The truth is, heâs never had you the way heâs always wanted. That aching sense of longing has never left him and he canât hide it anymore.
Hyunjin and Chan kept comforting him, but convinced him to go to bed as soon as possible. Theyâre busy today, emotional exhaustion is enough for Jeongin to be tired as hell.
Between recordings and fan signs, Jeongin barely had time to think. He found comfort in his job, interacting with his fans, enjoying their gifts and performing.
Now that they all had lunch, back at the company, theyâre resting a bit before starting with rehearsal. They have to practice more for the promotion of the B-side track, he knows, but he feels pain everywhere.
Maybe working out that much last night wasnât a good idea. He wonât tell Chan, thatâs for sure. He wonât tolerate any âI told you soâ from him.
His heart skips a beat when he hears a faint, familiar laugh. He straightens up, hoping he heard wrong, but the world around him stops when you enter the room and your gaze immediately finds his.
He sees you stopping on your feet, but heâs probably imagining things, because in an instant youâre already looking away and talking with the same person you came in with. Jaehyun.
Jeongin looks away as well.
Pretending like you donât exist for each other seems like a better way to go through this for both of you, apparently.
You two donât have to interact with each other, itâs not necessary, so Jeongin convinces himself that itâs okay to be in the same room as long as it is about work.
So they start practicing. Seeing you being so close to your new boyfriend doesnât affect him at all. He is definitely not clenching his jaw or feeling like his blood could evaporate at any moment.
When they finally take a break, he widens his eyes noticing that time is passing so slowly. All he can think about is ending these damn rehearsals and leave as soon as possible, even though he wonât ever admit that heâs going insane because of your presence.
Heâs not, because thereâs no reason to be. At most, heâs embarrassed.
The fact that just last night he admitted that heâs missing you⌠well, it was a lie.
Even now, that theyâre on stage and youâre here too to work, that youâre so close to fix his hair, he can say that heâs not missing you. His heart is not racing due to your proximity and he did not just inhale as much as he could to breathe in your scent that he hasnât smelled for way too long.
He presses his lips together, cursing whoever made you fix his hair out of all members, and tries his best to avoid eye contact.
âHow are you feeling?â, you ask while fixing the last details.
His heart skips a beat as he hears your soft, hesitant voice, so low he thought you were talking to yourself.
He resists the urge to clear his voice and answer. âGood. Itâs just the umpteenth stage, Iâm used to thisâ, his voice comes out colder than he intended, or perhaps sharp or even annoyed.
You nod once. âRight⌠stupid question.â
He can sense that thereâs more, that that question probably wasnât about performing.
 Yet, you step away, get out of his sight as soon as you can.
He ignores the fact that, for the first time in so long, youâre not wishing him good luck, ignores the pang in his chest caused by that loss.
This little interaction ignites something in him, a strange feeling.
They have to get on stage in fifteen minutes. He stands there, his eyes fixed on the clock, not actually looking at it, while his members warm up their voices or simply bicker, as usual.
His mind is now reckless due to that almost inexistent interaction with you, he canât help but think of how things were so different from now. He used to provoke you and tease you to get a reaction out of you; you liked to cling onto him and always cheer him up. You used to make him feel your presence in his life in every possible way.
And now⌠nothing. Just a question and a cold answer. And itâs mostly his fault. He blames himself, because he fell in love. What could you do?
He had to confess to you. He tried to quench his thirst for you, he wasnât able.
He is scared of what will happen if things stay this way. He wants to do something, heâs willing to do anything. But what could work? Probably nothing.
He feels hopeless. You surely canât force your feelings, especially now that you seem so happily dating, so why you got to take up hella space in his mind?
He sighs and barely resists the urge to nervously run a hand through his hair, only because he wouldnât want to ruin the hairstyle and have you fixing it, so close again.
Felix sits next to him and immediately rest his head on his shoulder.
âIs everything okay?â, he asks so softly.
Jeongin of course told everything to all of his membersâafter Chan and Hyunjin scolded him.
âYou were slowly getting better, whatâs up now?â, Felix adds.
Jeongin sighs and force a smile. âLetâs focus on the stage now, itâs nothing that urges to be solved right now.â
Felix nods, understanding, and stands up, Jeongin follows him.
He takes a deep breath and follows his member onto the stage, trying to smile.
A genuine one slowly grows on his lips, as his fans cheer them up.
Itâs been restless days due to the comeback. After a week full of work, things are a bit calmer now, they manage to finally be less tired, somehow.
Jeongin is surprised to realise that, hanging out with his members, heâs having fun, genuinely.
Heâs not forcing any laugh or smile, he hasnât that constant feel of loss hidden somewhere in his mind.
He is getting better.
Maybe the members werenât wrong. Letting people comfort you, in any way they can, actually helps.
This doesnât mean that his feelings for you disappeared. Theyâre probably as strong as before. His heart still skips a beat when his eyes accidentally land on you, it still flatters sadly when he hears your laugh, which hasnât happened in days, but he believes heâs just not noticing it, that heâs managing to get over you so heâs not aware of it anymore. He still wishes things were different, that he didnât ruin your friendship, but heâs convincing himself that heâs feeling like this because you were a routine, because he was used to have you around.
Sometimes he still wonders if heâs lying to himself, but he always pushes that thought away and shut his mind and repeats to himself that heâs not lying.
Then why does his heart stop when your name appears on his phone?
|Hey
He blinks down at his phone on the table, puts down the cup of coffee he was drinking and just stare at the message, probably deciding if this is some sort of dream or hallucination.
His eyes open impossibly wide when another notification makes his phone light up again. He quickly grabs it.
You busy?
He inhales a deep breathâhe didnât realise he was holding it.
He huffs and groan, nervous and frustrated.
After what I felt like hours, he types back.
Nope.
??
He sends it and almost throws the phone away. He wonât let you see that heâs waiting for you to answer back.
Anyway, his phone barely has time to buzz again before he grabs it to see your text.
 So here they are, at his dorm, sitting at the table in the kitchen. You are fidgeting, so is Jeongin.
âSoâŚâ, you speak first, of course. You were the one asking to meet up. âHow are you holding up?â
He can hear the hint of hesitation in your voice as you ask that.
He clears his voice, puts all of his efforts in lifting his gaze to meet yours.
âIâm⌠doing good. Reallyâ, and he mean it, he feels getting better. âHow about you?â
You nod nervously. âIâm doing okay, too.â
âGreatâŚâ
He takes in your sitting form, can see you nervous for god knows what.
He decides to break the embarrassing silence that just settled. âSo⌠what brings you here?â
âOh⌠right.â
Jeongin almost frowns, it seems like you didnât want him to ask.
âWell, I⌠I hoped we could have a talk.â
âTalk to me?â
âYeahâŚâ
âUh⌠about what?â, he really is confused, especially because of your visible agitation. You canât even lift your gaze up from the table. Should he be scared?
He watches you sigh and your brows twitch.
âWeâve been pretty distant lately.â
Oh, have we?
âAnd I donât like itâ
He almost scoffs. What the hell?
He doesnât say anything. He doesnât even know what he should say, actually.
You seem to notice his confusion and take a deep breath before continuing.
âI have an idea of why it happened andâIâm so sorry about it...â
He shakes his head softly. âWhy apologising when itâs not your fault?â
âWho says itâs not?â
He presses his lips together.
âItâs just thatâyou know, not having you around feels weird, and over time itâs becoming harder.â
Jeonginâs breath hitches. He surely didnât expect this.
âIâdonât know what to say... I mean, yeah, schedule is pretty busy.â
âJeongin I work for you. YetâŚâ
He loosens a heavy breath. âI donât understand where youâre going.â
You avert your gaze for a brief moment, as if looking for the strength to keep going with this conversation. âYou know how they say, you donât know what you have until itâs gone.â
His heart is bumping so loudly he fears it can jump out of his chest. That means nothing.
âWhatâŚ?â
Your gaze on him is filled with both fear and hope.
All of a sudden, his nerves snap.
âY/n, do you understand what youâre doing right now?â, his voice is still low and controlled, somehow.
You blink, confused. âWhat do you mean?â
He smirks bitterly and leans back against his chair. âYou⌠youâre being selfish by coming here, saying all of this bullshit.â
You frown, caught off guard by his harsh words. âJeonginââ
âDo you know how much time itâs taking for me to get better? I was working on it, I was succeeding. You canât just come here andâandâŚâ He huffs, feeling breathless.
âIâm sorry, really. I justâI miss you. And I damn know what Iâm saying, what Iâm doing.â
He raises his eyebrows. âI donât think your boyfriend would be happy knowing youâre saying this to the guy whoâs in love with you.â
Those words make you stop. He notices you freezing and tilts his head. Weird.
He watches you avert your gaze, you look hurt.
âWhat is it?â, his tone comes sharper than he intended.
âHeâs not my boyfriend. Not anymore.â
He processes your words slowly, then scoffs. âDid you last one month at least?â
You roll your eyes, carefully ignoring his gaze.
He stops to look at you, gather your reaction.
âInterestingâŚâ, he murmurs to himself. For just a mere second, he was about to fall for it. He wishes he was getting this wrong.
After what felt like an eternity of silence, he gets up and runs a hand through his hair. âI beg you to leave.â
Your head snaps towards him. âWhat?!â
He huffs. âI wonât come back just because you broke up and need someone to rely on.â
Your voice raises in the slightest, you look offended. âYou think I would do such thing?!â
He stays silent. He doesnât. Then what are you doing here?
You scoff incredulous, get up from the chair and stand across from him. âI thought you knew me well enough!â, disappointment clear in your voice.
He scowls. âCan you blame me, Y/n? I mean, look at me! Pretending Iâm getting better, while my mind canât get enough of the memories of us and⌠fuck, this hurts my prideâ, he lets out a sharp breath. âMy feelings are real, canât risk to get hurt again. You just broke up. I canât trust any of the things youâre telling me about missing me or whatever.â
âI broke up with him for you!â
He smiles bitterly. âFor me? I didnât ask.â
âOh my god, youâre getting on my nerves!â
He rolls his eyes.
âI broke up with him because I was looking for something in him that I couldnât find, because I was looking for you! And all of these days without youâthey were hell.â
Jeonginâs mind races, full of thoughts and feelings he canât put a name to as he processes your words. Â Heâs shocked.
âI⌠I never felt the way I feel with you. No one has ever or will ever love me for being myself, but youâ, you stop for a brief moment, out of breath. âI need you to believe me when I say I realised that without I feel incomplete, that I was so blindââ
He doesnât let you say any other word. He takes a few steps towards you, cups your face and kisses you with need, as though his life depended on it.
Youâre caught off guard at first, but quickly you melt under his touch and kiss him back, your hands grasping the fabric of his sweater so tight. The hum you let out against his lips only fuels to his hunger of you. He groans, feels sparks everywhere, while one of his hands goes down to hold onto your waist and pull you closer, his tongue darts out to trace the outline of your bottom lip, asking for access.
You sigh as your lips part and his tongue meet yours, making him almost whimper. He grabs your hips and push them against the edge of the table, getting a gasp out of you that has him needing more.
The sound of the door unlocking echoes through the room. Both of you stiffen, Jeongin gets away as if burnt.
He clears his throat, realising just now the weight of what he just did. He runs a hand through his hair, his eyes roaming over your body.
Chan steps in, but freezes seeing you two so embarrassed, especially you two in the same room. Alone. After so long.
âHello?â, his voice is hesitant.
Jeonginâs eyes are wide open, meanwhile you donât even lift your gaze. âHiâ, Jeongin greets breathless.
âUh⌠wrong moment to come home, I see. Iâll come back laterââ
âNoâno, I was about to leave anywayâ, you quickly stop him from leaving and force a smile out of courtesy.
Jeongin looks at you, nervous and puzzled. Leave?
Chan nods and retreats in his room, leaving you alone again.
The tension is palpable in the room; Chan must have felt that.
Youâre about to gather your things, when Jeongin grabs your wrist to stop you from doing anything.
He doesnât know how he manages to actually say those words, but he needs you to not leave.
âPlease⌠hold on. Iâm sorry, I shouldnât have kissed youâ, heâs willing to do anything to keep you with him, he canât lose you, not again. âDonât leaveâŚâ his voice is barely above a whisper.
Heâs conflicted, he doesnât know how to feel. Heâs still upset, confused, yet he wants you close right now.
Your gaze softens as it lands on him.
He sees you being doubtful. He feels like panicking, his hold on your wrist tightens in the slightest. âLetâs talk it outâI didnât want to kiss you like thatââ
âItâs okayâŚâ, you cut him off.
âIs it?â
He takes a deep breath relieved as you nod.
You follow Jeongin in his room, to have some more privacy, even though you both know Chan wore his headphones in order to not hear from you.
Jeongin is still shaken. He sits on the edge of his bed, silently waiting for you to get beside him.
He almost flinches when your soft voice sounds closer than he thought.
âI donât want you to apologise for kissing me.â
His eyes immediately dart on you.
âI meant everything I told you. I donât like that you think Iâm stringing you along.â
He listens every word carefully, a bit agitated. Can he believe you?
He takes a shaky breath, unsure. âPut yourself in my shoes. Itâs been a year since I realised that I fell in love with you, this is all so sudden.â
You nod understanding. âThatâs why, if youâre willing to give me a chance, weâll take things slowly.â
He nods with a bit too much enthusiasm. âOf courseâ
The sight of you smiling softly makes his heart skip a beat and instinctively smile back, not being able to prevent his eyes from roaming over your face.
Itâs now been a week and Jeongin feels like breathing again after being too long underwater.
Things are back to normal, or even better. He teases you, has little stupid fights with you, spends evenings watching embarrassing kdramas with you like you always used to. But he can sense that little change in both of your demeanours: touches linger, he clings onto you more, your eyes flicker to his lips, even for a brief second, more often than not.
The members also noticed the tension (a positive one finally) between the two of you, and the teasing doesnât miss, not even once, especially from Changbin and Seungmin, of course.
âYou never bother Minho and Jisung like thisâ, you whine during a movie night.
âBecause Minho could kill us at any momentâ, Changbin whines back.
âOh, you donât see me capable of that, too?â, you dare him.
âNot at allâ
You gasp dramatically and throw a cushion right into his face.
The rest of them burst into laughs, making you cross your arms over your chest and pout offended, playfully.
Jeonginâs eyes linger on you, his gaze hopelessly fond.
Furthermore, Jeongin couldnât be more glad that nor you or him denies whatever is happening, and despite them teasing so muchâand you pretending to hate itâthe members donât make it weird.
âTake off your shoesâ, Jeongin hums to bother you as you two step in his dorm, back from a little dateâjust a walk on Han river, nothing of unusual.
You roll your eyes. âIâm doing it!â
He chuckles. He puts the empty cups on the counter, mentally noting to throw them away later, and turns to you, who are already standing beside him.
âThe boba tea was goodâ, you state firmly.
âI figured since you drank it in⌠maybe two minutes.â
You elbow him in the side, making him flinch.
âWatch yourself!â
âYouâre an idiot!â
âAm I?â
He doesnât let you repeat that, he grabs your wrists to hold them still and tickles you with his free hand.
He laughs hearing you scream. He knows how sensible you are, in fact he doesnât make it last too much, already seeing you out of breath.
He frees you and you immediately hit his arm. He doesnât even flinch, keeps laughing instead, which makes you even more annoyed.
You huff and step away from him, distancing yourself as much as you can and crossing your arms over your chest. âI canât stand you, really.â
âOh, donât be offendedâ, he closes the distance and stands behind you. Seeing you not giving in to him, he wraps his arms around you, back hugging you, his chin rests on your shoulder as he inhales your scent.
You barely protest, trying to shake him off but he resists it. It actually takes little for you to roll your eyes and melt in his embrace, leaning back against his chest.
âYouâre an idiot, youâve been teasing me all nightâ, but he can hear the fondness in your voice.
âDonât act like you donât like itâ, he whispers, his breath ghosting over your ear.
âYou know I get shy.âÂ
âYeah and youâre so cuteâ, his voice is now low.
You turn in his arms and look at him with those puppy eyes that he loves so much itâs making him want to squeeze you if it didnât hurt you.
His gaze flickers on your lips on its own. You two havenât shared a kiss since that afternoon and he has craved to feel your lips again since then.
He sighs and forces himself to look away. âY/nââ
Your lips against his make his breath hitch. It was only a brief touch, but his mind went blank. He looks down at you, eyes slightly wide.
He sees you smiling softly, immediately leans into your touch as your fingers move a strand of hair away from his forehead.
âNow Iâm the one making you flustered.â
He chuckles lowly and pulls you closer against him. âThat wasnât enough.â
You frown, puzzled. âHuh?â
He doesnât explain any further, he tilts your chin up and kisses you, slow, tender.
He feels butterflies going wild in his stomach. He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against yours.
âYou have no idea how you make me feel.â
You smile, your eyes roaming over his features.
He kisses your lips again. He will never get enough.
âIâm glad I found youâ, you whisper between kisses.
His heart flatters full of love for you.
He pulls you into another kiss, a much hungrier now, his tongue coaxing your mouth open, seeking more of your taste. His fingers slide under the hem of your shirt, feeling you shivering. Your warmth and your fingers tangle in his hair making him dizzy.
âWe have to stopâ
âNo, we donât.â
Jeongin thinks he canât love you more than this.
genre: angst, SLOW burn, idol!jeongin, friends to lovers
synopsis: tough days for jeongin. comeback is getting closer and he feels the need to practice as much as he can, becoming short-tempered. what makes him in trouble is that pride eats him alive. but heâll find himself forced to put it aside if he wants you back, even as just friends.
wc: â3.9k
an: this is part 1, Iâm already writing pt 2, but I need time. little reminder that eng is not my first language. I hope you enjoy this <3 + thanks to my friend sofi who reviewed this. oh and last but not least, go listen to âTo be so lonelyâ by Harry Styles ;)
He knows he messed up. He blames himself, and his pride hurts as hell.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
The point is that the comeback is close and heâs nervous. He doesnât know why, heâs done this for years, he hasnât felt like this for so much time, he should be used to this.
Deep down he knows the truth. Itâs not just about the comeback and all the promotions that come with it.
Jeongin is a proud person, he gets arrogant when heâs stressed and he canât admit when heâs in the wrong.
Heâs also the jealous kind of guy. Well, maybe thatâs the main problem.
âI really messed upâŚâ, he mutters to himself, still processing that he did mess up things with you.
He was so close to finally getting to you and he blew it completely.
You are such a good friend, he cherishes you so much. And slowly, over time, he fell.
Oh, donât blame him for falling.
He ruined everything without even realizing it.
Heâd spent too long in the recording booth, struggling with his lines, frustration clinging onto him when he finally joined the others in the practice room. And then he saw youâtalking to some random guy, standing a little too close.
His gaze darkened. He tried to ignore it, but jealousy slipped in anyway, unwanted and undeniable. He couldnât say anything. Couldnât do anything. After all, you were just friends. And that thought hurt more than it should have.
No, he never confessed.
He unconsciously turned cold. You noticed, of course, and when you tried to get a word out of him, concerned about his unusual demeanour, he snapped, saying you were being annoying and caring too much. A lie, obviously.
He saw the exact moment something behind your eyes cracked, he saw coldness growing in them right after.
Nothing has changed since then and now itâs been almost two weeks. Two weeks of silence, of awkward glances between the two of you. Two weeks that felt like eternity.
Even the members noticed.
Chan just left Jeonginâs room after trying to convince him to apologise to you.
Now heâs sitting in his bed, his mind a complete mess. He feels lonely. Heâs not, he has his members. He has you, he knows youâre there for him, that you just want to hear those words.
But he canât bring himself to say them.
He huffs loudly and fall back against the bed. Itâs not a good idea to sleep it off, itâs not like heâs gonna get good sleep anyway.
He woke up with a headache, his hair wonât get fixed and⌠why is the weather so bad?
âItâs going to be a long dayâ, he murmurs to himself.
At the company, youâre nowhere to be found. Thatâs weird. You never skip work, youâre never late either. Maybe youâre sick or else.
But Jeongin forgot that the day started terribly and, if he thought it couldnât get worse, well, it got.
You enter the practice room, laughing. He almost melts at the sound, until he notices youâre with the same guy he saw you talking with days ago.
Are you two dating!?
His gaze darkens, his jaw clenches. He can only think about you forgetting of him, as if heâs not fighting with these bruising feelings for you.
Heâs about to walk towards you, but Changbin grabs his wrist with enough strength to make him groan.
âWhere are you going?â, Changbinâs tone is firm enough to make Jeongin statter.
âI-I wasâ what?â, he frowns puzzled.
âYouâre not making a scene in front of everyone.â
Jeonginâs almost offended by changbinâs words. âI was not about toââ
âYon- YeniâŚâ, changbinâs rubs a hand over his face.
âYeah, shut up. Canât even guess my name right.â Jeongin rolls his eyes resigned and waves him off.
âI was serious, anyway. You already messed up onceâ, Changbin says before turning away.
Those words make Jeongin stop and think. He did. Itâs not like he doesnât know.
He huffs. Maybe he was about to make a scene in front of anyone, if thatâs what itâs called to take you away from that guy and demand an explanation.
He shakes his head and try to ignore that knot in his chest that tightens every time the image of you being happy despite his absence crosses his mind.
During the dance practice, Jeongin sits on the couch while the other members are reviewing some details of the choreography. He glances at you who are on the laptop to play the tracks or whatever, he doesnât care what youâre doing right now. Youâre there, closer than youâve ever been in the last two weeks. He might be staring at you.
His body acts on his own, standing up and closing the distance between you two.
His voice is tentatively low when he speaks, âAre you dating that guy?â
You turn your head slowly, your face puzzled. âWhat?â
âThat guy⌠itâs not the first time I see you two togetherâ, Jeonginâs tone is somehow hesitant.
You scoff, incredulous. âYou havenât talked to me for days and this is the first thing you tell me?â
He blinks, startled by your bluntness. âWell⌠I was just askingâŚâ
You roll your eyes, cutting short. âHe has a name, heâs Jaehyun. Anyway, you shouldnât care too much, should you?â, your tone is sarcastic, a bitter smile playing on your lips, sharp like a knife.
He watches as you walk away. Heâs hurt, but deep down he knows he deserves this.
He knows what he has to do, but itâs like thereâs something that stops the words in his throat.
âYou all stressed me out!â, Changbin tries to defend himself, whiny.
Jeongin huffs through a chuckle.
Itâs evening, rehearsal ended earlier than usual today, and despite being all tired, the playful bickering doesnât miss.
Jeongin feels like he forgets about everything else when they spend time together like this, with no worries even for just a few minutes.
âLetâs go eat something together, itâs been a while since we hung outâ, Chan suddenly suggests.
So they did. They stayed at Minho and Jisungâs dorm, ordered food and spent the evening hanging out. The atmosphere was warm.
They usually spend so much time together, every day, but now itâs different. Itâs not about work.
Theyâre in a really good mood. They, in fact, might have drunk alcohol.
Around midnight, theyâre all pretty drunk. Jisung is clinging onto Minho, as always; Hyunjin is fast asleep on the couch with Felixâs head over his lap.
Chan, Seungmin and Changbin are still chatting, seated around the table before the couch.
Jeongin⌠heâs staring at his phone, absorbed in his thoughts.
He wonders why no one asked you to join. It happened before that you joined them during a hang out.
He bites his lower lip so hard it might start bleeding. Maybe they did ask you, but you decided not to come because of him. Or worst, you had a date with Jaekhyun⌠or whatever his name was.
Oh, no⌠this is all changbinâs fault.
Whatever. He shakes his head, banishing those thoughts away.
He stands up, his body moving on autopilot, and close himself in the first empty room he finds.
Maybe itâs the alcohol that makes him make stupid decisions. He dialed your number and called you, before he could think better of it.
The phone rings for a while, making Jeongin slowly give up, regret his decision. Why would you even answer in the first place, when he acted like an idiot?
Just when he is about to put away the phone, your voice echoes through the phone. He loosens a breath he didnât know was holding.
âHello?â, your voice is puzzled, yet soft. Just the sound of it was enough to soothe Jeonginâs nerves.
His breath hitches slightly, realising he has to answer back. He shuts his eyes, feeling dizzy. âWhy⌠why didnât you come with us?â
He doesnât hear anything but your breath for some seconds. Is he imagining things?
âWhat?â
âWeâre at Minho and Jisungâs, hanging out. You didnât comeâŚâ
âJeongin, are you drunk?â, your voice sounds almost worried, yet Jeongin is sure he is not hearing things right.
âAre you on a date with him? Thatâs why you didnât comeâ, this didnât come out as a question, more like a statement.
You sigh, annoyed. âJeongin, itâs midnight.â
âSo what? you got something better to do? So youâre with him.â, he bites his lip right after, realising how harshly his words are coming out. Even when heâs drunk, he canât ignore his pride.
âI couldnât come, none of us two would have enjoyed it and you know it.â
âWe just could pretend nothingâs happened.â
You scoff bitterly. âIt doesnât work like that!â, your tone is now angry, youâre almost shouting.
Jeongin is on the verge of tears so he just hangs up. Heâs not used to you being so mad at him.
He hopes he wonât remember any of this once he wakes up the next morning.
He slams his forehead against the table. âI canât believe I did that.â, he whines after he explained everything to Chan. âI wasnât even that drunk!â
Chan sighs, âI canât believe that you suggested to pretend that nothingâs ever happened.â
Jeongin lifts his head and rolls his eyes, leaning against the chair. âWhat happened is not that deep, sheâs being dramatic.â
âYou know sheâs not. We both know that sheâs ready to forget it, yet youâre making it worse every time you open your mouth.â
Jeongin scoffs. âWow, thanks.â
âIâm being serious. Itâs no longer about you snapping at her when you were already upset. Itâs about you being proud and not admitting what youâve done, not apologising. She cares about this.â
Heâs right. Of course he is.
âItâs lateâ, chan gets off the chair and gather his things ready to leave. âLetâs go?â
Jeongin comes back to reality. Right. Work.
He curses himself under his breath. He has to face you after the drunk call.
He sighs defeated and follows Chan.
Or at least, he thought he was following him, but he finds himself alone in the hall of the company building.
âWhat the hell?â, he mutters to himself. All he did was looking for the ring that fell from his finger, when did he disappear?
He shrugs. Chan told him they had to practice in room number 6, so he walks straight to that room.
He curses Chan and all the members when finds himself alone in the room. Maybe theyâre late, but what about Chan?
Jeongin sighs and sit on the couch, getting lost in thoughts.
How will he be able to face you? Heâd rather put his head into muddy water.
The door opens and his heart sinks when Jaehyun enters the room. Of course heâs there, heâs part of the staff that works for them.
He rolls his eyes before Jaehyun could glance at him.
He greets him, just out of courtesy.
When finally Chan and Seungmin enters, he loosens a breath out of relief, but stiffens when he sees you following them.
You donât even notice him, you walk straight to that guy. It hurts.
You two used to be so close, now it seems like youâve never met him.
He clenches his fists. Youâre replacing him so easily, he feels like he could explode.
Before he could act on whatever emotion he was feeling, Seungmin sits beside him on the couch.
âYou know, you should avoid letting your pride get over you every time you see her. How are you gonna fix things?â
Jeongin glares at him. As if he didnât know.
Seungmin shrugs and looks away. âJust saying.â
âWhatâŚ?â seungmin is startled when Jeongin suddenly gets up and walks to you, grabbing your wrist and dragging you out of that room.
âHey!â, as soon as you two are out, you yank your hand away from his grasp. âWhat the hell!?â
âWe need to talkâ, he says firmly. âLetâs go into another-â
âI was in the middle of a conversation!â, you almost shout.
âYeah with jaehyun, huh?â
You stare at him, incredulous. âSo what?â
He sighs. âJust, pleaseâŚâ, he didnât know what he was begging for.
You sigh and unwillingly follow him into the first empty room he finds. You sit on the couch. âGo aheadâ, you demand annoyed.
He looks down at you, hesitant, then sits beside you, but keeping distance.
âI⌠I hate us being like thisââ
âItâs not my faultâ, you immediately get defensive.
âYeahâ Please, listen to me.â
You shout your mouth and cross your arms over your chest.
He almost chuckles. Sometimes youâre so childish, in a way he loves.
He sighs and tries to continue. âWhat I meant is⌠that I wish we could go back to normal.â
You look at him, not answering. He shifts in his seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable under your gaze.
âI donât know, maybe we can talk it out, I figuredâŚâ
âTalk it out?â, you repeat his words, confused and incredulous. âJeongin, what does it even mean? Are you listening to yourself? Thereâs nothing to talk about, especially since all you can do is getting defensive and irritated, or drunk calling me, hoping I will just forget what you did. âPretend nothingâs happenedâ, are you for real? Not even being drunk can justify you from saying such bullshit!â
He listens to you silently, watches you take a deep breath after the outburst.
âI⌠I get itâ, he looks down ashamed, bites his lower lip, nervous to let those words out. âIâm just an arrogant son of a bitch who canât admit when heâs sorry. But, I⌠I miss you. I canât bear having you so close yet so far.â
He senses you freeze, staring at him. When he looks up, he canât help but hope he isnât imagining the faint softening of your gaze.
âYet, youâre not doing anything to fix this.â
âIâm tryingâŚâ
âTrying what? What did you do until now? You just acted jealous, god knows why, you drunk called me, now you want to talk it out, when all I want is you to apologise, to put your pride away!â
He looks away, guilty.
âIâm not blaming you for being nervous and irritated due to overwork. I hope you know thatâs not the point anymore.â
He nods. He knows.
Someone enters the room. One of the back up dancers. âJeongin, weâre waiting for youâ
He sighs, annoyed that he got interrupted. âIâm coming, give me a minuteâ
He rushes out of the room, probably feeling the tension.
You stand up and Jeongin follows right after. âY/n, hold on.â
His breath hitches as his gaze meets yours. He canât read you, he can see both frustration and longing in your eyes, but heâs not sure.
He takes a small step closer, his chest hurting. âListen, Iâm⌠Iâm sorry, okay? I really am. I hope you can understand how hard this is for me, understand how much I care about you.â
He takes a brief break to gather your reaction. âI hope you can forgive me, because I⌠I miss my friend.â, the words came out faster than he intended, perhaps afraid he wouldnât be able to say them out loud.
You blink, caught off guard. You clench your jaw and swallow, unsure how to react.
You clear your throat and nod. âI appreciate thatâ, but you donât look convinced.
When youâre about to go away, his body acts on his own and stops you, again. He never thought he could insist so much.
âDonât just appreciate it. Accept itâ, heâs almost begging you.
He takes a small step closer. âI shouldnât have told you those things⌠I actually like that you care about me. I should have apologised earlier, because you donât deserve to be treated like thatââ
âJeonginâ, you cut him off. You rest your hand on his arm. âCalm downâ
His heart starts to race as you touch him, he feels like it could jump out of his chest. He almost scoffs. Easier said than done.
He sighs, melting in the slightest.
âI wonât lie, Iâm stubborn myself,â you smile a little. He wonders if youâre able to hear his heart thrumming so hard. âSo give me some time.â
He loosens a deep, loud breath, his shoulders falling in relief. âThank godâ, he whispers under his breath, the corner of his lips lifting slightly in a soft smirk.
He stays still, staring at you, before he realises he should say something. âIâll give you all the time you need.â
You smile at him, then take a step back. âTheyâre waiting for you, go.â
âOh bossy, Iâm goingâ, he tries to lighten the mood, smiling when he manages to get a chuckle out of you.
He has to admit he feels lighter after talking to you, he can feel that things are slowly getting better, day by day.
Yet, thereâs still something that has to get addressed.
âItâs not necessaryâ, he tries to convince Chan, while fixing his hair.
Theyâre about to go over felix and seungminâs place to hang out together, again. But this time youâll also be there, so Jeongin is kinda nervous and more clumsy than usual. In fact, Chan got annoyed when he almost bumped into him for the umpteenth time.
âIâm telling you, it is. Just tell her.â
âOh, easy, isnât it? Just tell her. âY/n, I got something to tell you, Iâm hopelessly in love with you and iâve been for one year, now!â. Nope, thatâs not how it worksâ
Chan rolls his eyes. âI mean, tell her as soon as you can.â
Jeongin shakes his head. âSheâs probably dating that guyâ Jae⌠whatever his name is, so I got no chance.â
Chan sighs and tries to protest, but Jeongin stops him.
âI appreciate that you care about this, but itâs not that easy. Letâs just enjoy tonight, before the comeback schedule starts.â
âNext time you choose instead of just saying you donât care!â, you answer back, mock annoyed, being the one who chose it.
Seungmin shifts in his seat only to bother you, who are sitting between him and Jeongin on the couch. You huff and push his leg, then scoot a bit closer to Jeongin.
âChangbin, please, do something.â, you shout, whiny.
Changbin gets up from the floor and manhandles him, forcing him still.
They all laugh at seungmin pretending to be hurt, not feeling any pity.
The movie actually turns out to be boring, so much that everyone falls asleep. Expect you and Jeongin.
âLetâs not tell Seungmin, I wonât stand his cocky face for the next week.â
Jeongin chuckles and agrees.
Youâre laying your head on his shoulder, when your phone buzzes.
Jeongin knows he shouldnât, but he peeks at the screen of your phone and quickly reads the name of the contact, feeling a pang of jealousy as your lips curves up into a smile.
He tries to play it cool, but heâs sure his tone didnât come out as playful as he intended. âWho got you smiling like that, huh?â
You put down your phone, slightly embarrassed. You turn your head to look at him. âNo one.â
âNo one? I donât think I believe you.â
âIf I told you, you would be jealous.â
He rolls his eyes, annoyed by the fact that youâre right. He knows who texted you and he is in fact jealous. âWhy would I be?â
You sigh and shrug, your voice low. âItâs Jaehyun.â
He tries to keep a straight face. âOh⌠so you two are close now?â
You look away, your cheeks getting pink. âI guess so.â
He almost scoffs, annoyed. He hates this. Heâs one step away from saying something rude, so he stands up abruptly, making you frown, startled.
âWhere are you going?â, you almost shout out whiny, as your usual, but keep your voice low since the guys are still asleep.
âEating something,â he wishes he could keep his tone steady and cool. âWanna join?â, his eyes never land on you, his question comes out quick, probably hoping you would say no.
But you stand from the couch and follow him into Felix and Seungminâs kitchen.
You two eat some leftovers from tonight in silence.
Jeongin is an impulsive guy, and lately heâs been feeling like shit due to these feelings towards you, and the fact that youâre having a situationship with this guy⌠itâs making him lose his mind.
Thatâs why heâs struggling so much right now to hold back his words. Itâs not like he wants to confess all of a sudden, he doesnât want to lose you. He already had a taste of life without you and it felt like hell.
But he canât tell you to forget that guy âjust becauseâ. He couldnât even if he confessed.
He feels like his brain could combust soon. Too many thoughts.
âAre you okay?â
Your soft voice snaps him back to reality. He nods slowly, not convincing you at all.
âDonât act like I donât know you enough. Whatâs wrong?â
He shifts slightly under your gaze.
Oh, everything is wrong.
âI donât like that guyâ, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them, his tone firm.
You take time to process his words, then scoff. âThatâs what I thought. Youâre being jealousââ
âYeah, but have you ever wondered why?!â he snaps. Again.
Youâre taken aback by his small outburst. âWhat do you mean?â
He loosen a heavy, sharp breath and shakes his head. âForget it.â
âWhat?! No! Youâre not doing this againâ, youâre voice raises accidentally.
âLetâs not wake them upâ
âYang Jeongin. Donât leave loose ends.â
He looks at you, conflicted, his jaw tensed. âWhat the hell do you want me to say?â
You scowl. âYou should be happy Iâm dating a guy, as a friend.â
âWell, Iâm not,â his voice is bitter. âThatâs the whole point. As a friend, you say. I canât do that anymore.â
Your gaze slowly softens, starting now to realise what his words actually mean. Not jealousy. Not possessiveness. Loss.
âOhâŚâ
He lets out a bitter chuckle. âYeah, thatâs what Iâm saying. Forget it.â
âJeongin, noâŚâ, your voice is hesitant and almost pleading. âLetâs talk about it.â
âThereâs nothing to talk about. This is not how I imagined confessing to you, at all. Iâm ruining everything once again, the thought of losing you the way I did before is eating me alive. But at the same time⌠what can I do? What can you do?â.
He exhales deeply, as though heâs been holding his breath for weeks.
You look down, feeling guilty and slightly embarrassed. âIâm⌠Iâm so sorry, Innie.â
The nickname that heâd always loved hearing from you, now stings.
He shakes his head, his voice softens. He doesnât want you to feel somehow responsible for this situation. âNo, you donât have to apologise.â
âI wish I could do somethingâ
He gets off the chair. âIâm leaving, tell the others Iâm tiredâ
You watch him gather his things. âWaitâŚâ, your voice is barely over a whisper, too overwhelmed.
He doesnât hear you, or maybe he pretends to. He leaves Felix and Seungminâs house, even though itâs hard for him to go home and be so lonely.
genre: angst, SLOW burn, idol!jeongin, friends to lovers
synopsis: tough days for jeongin. comeback is getting closer and he feels the need to practice as much as he can, becoming short-tempered. what makes him in trouble is that pride eats him alive. but heâll find himself forced to put it aside if he wants you back, even as just friends.
wc: â3.9k
an: this is part 1. little reminder that eng is not my first language. I hope you enjoy this <3 + thanks to my friend sofi who reviewed this. oh and last but not least, go listen to âTo be so lonelyâ by Harry Styles ;)
He knows he messed up. He blames himself, and his pride hurts as hell.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
The point is that the comeback is close and heâs nervous. He doesnât know why, heâs done this for years, he hasnât felt like this for so much time, he should be used to this.
Deep down he knows the truth. Itâs not just about the comeback and all the promotions that come with it.
Jeongin is a proud person, he gets arrogant when heâs stressed and he canât admit when heâs in the wrong.
Heâs also the jealous kind of guy. Well, maybe thatâs the main problem.
âI really messed upâŚâ, he mutters to himself, still processing that he did mess up things with you.
He was so close to finally getting to you and he blew it completely.
You are such a good friend, he cherishes you so much. And slowly, over time, he fell.
Oh, donât blame him for falling.
He ruined everything without even realizing it.
Heâd spent too long in the recording booth, struggling with his lines, frustration clinging onto him when he finally joined the others in the practice room. And then he saw youâtalking to some random guy, standing a little too close.
His gaze darkened. He tried to ignore it, but jealousy slipped in anyway, unwanted and undeniable. He couldnât say anything. Couldnât do anything. After all, you were just friends. And that thought hurt more than it should have.
No, he never confessed.
He unconsciously turned cold. You noticed, of course, and when you tried to get a word out of him, concerned about his unusual demeanour, he snapped, saying you were being annoying and caring too much. A lie, obviously.
He saw the exact moment something behind your eyes cracked, he saw coldness growing in them right after.
Nothing has changed since then and now itâs been almost two weeks. Two weeks of silence, of awkward glances between the two of you. Two weeks that felt like eternity.
Even the members noticed.
Chan just left Jeonginâs room after trying to convince him to apologise to you.
Now heâs sitting in his bed, his mind a complete mess. He feels lonely. Heâs not, he has his members. He has you, he knows youâre there for him, that you just want to hear those words.
But he canât bring himself to say them.
He huffs loudly and fall back against the bed. Itâs not a good idea to sleep it off, itâs not like heâs gonna get good sleep anyway.
He woke up with a headache, his hair wonât get fixed and⌠why is the weather so bad?
âItâs going to be a long dayâ, he murmurs to himself.
At the company, youâre nowhere to be found. Thatâs weird. You never skip work, youâre never late either. Maybe youâre sick or else.
But Jeongin forgot that the day started terribly and, if he thought it couldnât get worse, well, it got.
You enter the practice room, laughing. He almost melts at the sound, until he notices youâre with the same guy he saw you talking with days ago.
Are you two dating!?
His gaze darkens, his jaw clenches. He can only think about you forgetting of him, as if heâs not fighting with these bruising feelings for you.
Heâs about to walk towards you, but Changbin grabs his wrist with enough strength to make him groan.
âWhere are you going?â, Changbinâs tone is firm enough to make Jeongin statter.
âI-I wasâ what?â, he frowns puzzled.
âYouâre not making a scene in front of everyone.â
Jeonginâs almost offended by changbinâs words. âI was not about toââ
âYon- YeniâŚâ, changbinâs rubs a hand over his face.
âYeah, shut up. Canât even guess my name right.â Jeongin rolls his eyes resigned and waves him off.
âI was serious, anyway. You already messed up onceâ, Changbin says before turning away.
Those words make Jeongin stop and think. He did. Itâs not like he doesnât know.
He huffs. Maybe he was about to make a scene in front of anyone, if thatâs what itâs called to take you away from that guy and demand an explanation.
He shakes his head and try to ignore that knot in his chest that tightens every time the image of you being happy despite his absence crosses his mind.
During the dance practice, Jeongin sits on the couch while the other members are reviewing some details of the choreography. He glances at you who are on the laptop to play the tracks or whatever, he doesnât care what youâre doing right now. Youâre there, closer than youâve ever been in the last two weeks. He might be staring at you.
His body acts on his own, standing up and closing the distance between you two.
His voice is tentatively low when he speaks, âAre you dating that guy?â
You turn your head slowly, your face puzzled. âWhat?â
âThat guy⌠itâs not the first time I see you two togetherâ, Jeonginâs tone is somehow hesitant.
You scoff, incredulous. âYou havenât talked to me for days and this is the first thing you tell me?â
He blinks, startled by your bluntness. âWell⌠I was just askingâŚâ
You roll your eyes, cutting short. âHe has a name, heâs Jaehyun. Anyway, you shouldnât care too much, should you?â, your tone is sarcastic, a bitter smile playing on your lips, sharp like a knife.
He watches as you walk away. Heâs hurt, but deep down he knows he deserves this.
He knows what he has to do, but itâs like thereâs something that stops the words in his throat.
âYou all stressed me out!â, Changbin tries to defend himself, whiny.
Jeongin huffs through a chuckle.
Itâs evening, rehearsal ended earlier than usual today, and despite being all tired, the playful bickering doesnât miss.
Jeongin feels like he forgets about everything else when they spend time together like this, with no worries even for just a few minutes.
âLetâs go eat something together, itâs been a while since we hung outâ, Chan suddenly suggests.
So they did. They stayed at Minho and Jisungâs dorm, ordered food and spent the evening hanging out. The atmosphere was warm.
They usually spend so much time together, every day, but now itâs different. Itâs not about work.
Theyâre in a really good mood. They, in fact, might have drunk alcohol.
Around midnight, theyâre all pretty drunk. Jisung is clinging onto Minho, as always; Hyunjin is fast asleep on the couch with Felixâs head over his lap.
Chan, Seungmin and Changbin are still chatting, seated around the table before the couch.
Jeongin⌠heâs staring at his phone, absorbed in his thoughts.
He wonders why no one asked you to join. It happened before that you joined them during a hang out.
He bites his lower lip so hard it might start bleeding. Maybe they did ask you, but you decided not to come because of him. Or worst, you had a date with Jaekhyun⌠or whatever his name was.
Oh, no⌠this is all changbinâs fault.
Whatever. He shakes his head, banishing those thoughts away.
He stands up, his body moving on autopilot, and close himself in the first empty room he finds.
Maybe itâs the alcohol that makes him make stupid decisions. He dialed your number and called you, before he could think better of it.
The phone rings for a while, making Jeongin slowly give up, regret his decision. Why would you even answer in the first place, when he acted like an idiot?
Just when he is about to put away the phone, your voice echoes through the phone. He loosens a breath he didnât know was holding.
âHello?â, your voice is puzzled, yet soft. Just the sound of it was enough to soothe Jeonginâs nerves.
His breath hitches slightly, realising he has to answer back. He shuts his eyes, feeling dizzy. âWhy⌠why didnât you come with us?â
He doesnât hear anything but your breath for some seconds. Is he imagining things?
âWhat?â
âWeâre at Minho and Jisungâs, hanging out. You didnât comeâŚâ
âJeongin, are you drunk?â, your voice sounds almost worried, yet Jeongin is sure he is not hearing things right.
âAre you on a date with him? Thatâs why you didnât comeâ, this didnât come out as a question, more like a statement.
You sigh, annoyed. âJeongin, itâs midnight.â
âSo what? you got something better to do? So youâre with him.â, he bites his lip right after, realising how harshly his words are coming out. Even when heâs drunk, he canât ignore his pride.
âI couldnât come, none of us two would have enjoyed it and you know it.â
âWe just could pretend nothingâs happened.â
You scoff bitterly. âIt doesnât work like that!â, your tone is now angry, youâre almost shouting.
Jeongin is on the verge of tears so he just hangs up. Heâs not used to you being so mad at him.
He hopes he wonât remember any of this once he wakes up the next morning.
He slams his forehead against the table. âI canât believe I did that.â, he whines after he explained everything to Chan. âI wasnât even that drunk!â
Chan sighs, âI canât believe that you suggested to pretend that nothingâs ever happened.â
Jeongin lifts his head and rolls his eyes, leaning against the chair. âWhat happened is not that deep, sheâs being dramatic.â
âYou know sheâs not. We both know that sheâs ready to forget it, yet youâre making it worse every time you open your mouth.â
Jeongin scoffs. âWow, thanks.â
âIâm being serious. Itâs no longer about you snapping at her when you were already upset. Itâs about you being proud and not admitting what youâve done, not apologising. She cares about this.â
Heâs right. Of course he is.
âItâs lateâ, chan gets off the chair and gather his things ready to leave. âLetâs go?â
Jeongin comes back to reality. Right. Work.
He curses himself under his breath. He has to face you after the drunk call.
He sighs defeated and follows Chan.
Or at least, he thought he was following him, but he finds himself alone in the hall of the company building.
âWhat the hell?â, he mutters to himself. All he did was looking for the ring that fell from his finger, when did he disappear?
He shrugs. Chan told him they had to practice in room number 6, so he walks straight to that room.
He curses Chan and all the members when finds himself alone in the room. Maybe theyâre late, but what about Chan?
Jeongin sighs and sit on the couch, getting lost in thoughts.
How will he be able to face you? Heâd rather put his head into muddy water.
The door opens and his heart sinks when Jaehyun enters the room. Of course heâs there, heâs part of the staff that works for them.
He rolls his eyes before Jaehyun could glance at him.
He greets him, just out of courtesy.
When finally Chan and Seungmin enters, he loosens a breath out of relief, but stiffens when he sees you following them.
You donât even notice him, you walk straight to that guy. It hurts.
You two used to be so close, now it seems like youâve never met him.
He clenches his fists. Youâre replacing him so easily, he feels like he could explode.
Before he could act on whatever emotion he was feeling, Seungmin sits beside him on the couch.
âYou know, you should avoid letting your pride get over you every time you see her. How are you gonna fix things?â
Jeongin glares at him. As if he didnât know.
Seungmin shrugs and looks away. âJust saying.â
âWhatâŚ?â seungmin is startled when Jeongin suddenly gets up and walks to you, grabbing your wrist and dragging you out of that room.
âHey!â, as soon as you two are out, you yank your hand away from his grasp. âWhat the hell!?â
âWe need to talkâ, he says firmly. âLetâs go into another-â
âI was in the middle of a conversation!â, you almost shout.
âYeah with jaehyun, huh?â
You stare at him, incredulous. âSo what?â
He sighs. âJust, pleaseâŚâ, he didnât know what he was begging for.
You sigh and unwillingly follow him into the first empty room he finds. You sit on the couch. âGo aheadâ, you demand annoyed.
He looks down at you, hesitant, then sits beside you, but keeping distance.
âI⌠I hate us being like thisââ
âItâs not my faultâ, you immediately get defensive.
âYeahâ Please, listen to me.â
You shut your mouth and cross your arms over your chest.
He almost chuckles. Sometimes youâre so childish, in a way he loves.
He sighs and tries to continue. âWhat I meant is⌠that I wish we could go back to normal.â
You look at him, not answering. He shifts in his seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable under your gaze.
âI donât know, maybe we can talk it out, I figuredâŚâ
âTalk it out?â, you repeat his words, confused and incredulous. âJeongin, what does it even mean? Are you listening to yourself? Thereâs nothing to talk about, especially since all you can do is getting defensive and irritated, or drunk calling me, hoping I will just forget what you did. âPretend nothingâs happenedâ, are you for real? Not even being drunk can justify you from saying such bullshit!â
He listens to you silently, watches you take a deep breath after the outburst.
âI⌠I get itâ, he looks down ashamed, bites his lower lip, nervous to let those words out. âIâm just an arrogant son of a bitch who canât admit when heâs sorry. But, I⌠I miss you. I canât bear having you so close yet so far.â
He senses you freeze, staring at him. When he looks up, he canât help but hope he isnât imagining the faint softening of your gaze.
âYet, youâre not doing anything to fix this.â
âIâm tryingâŚâ
âTrying what? What did you do until now? You just acted jealous, god knows why, you drunk called me, now you want to talk it out, when all I want is you to apologise, to put your pride away!â
He looks away, guilty.
âIâm not blaming you for being nervous and irritated due to overwork. I hope you know thatâs not the point anymore.â
He nods. He knows.
Someone enters the room. One of the back up dancers. âJeongin, weâre waiting for youâ
He sighs, annoyed that he got interrupted. âIâm coming, give me a minuteâ
He rushes out of the room, probably feeling the tension.
You stand up and Jeongin follows right after. âY/n, hold on.â
His breath hitches as his gaze meets yours. He canât read you, he can see both frustration and longing in your eyes, but heâs not sure.
He takes a small step closer, his chest hurting. âListen, Iâm⌠Iâm sorry, okay? I really am. I hope you can understand how hard this is for me, understand how much I care about you.â
He takes a brief break to gather your reaction. âI hope you can forgive me, because I⌠I miss my friend.â, the words came out faster than he intended, perhaps afraid he wouldnât be able to say them out loud.
You blink, caught off guard. You clench your jaw and swallow, unsure how to react.
You clear your throat and nod. âI appreciate thatâ, but you donât look convinced.
When youâre about to go away, his body acts on his own and stops you, again. He never thought he could insist so much.
âDonât just appreciate it. Accept itâ, heâs almost begging you.
He takes a small step closer. âI shouldnât have told you those things⌠I actually like that you care about me. I should have apologised earlier, because you donât deserve to be treated like thatââ
âJeonginâ, you cut him off. You rest your hand on his arm. âCalm downâ
His heart starts to race as you touch him, he feels like it could jump out of his chest. He almost scoffs. Easier said than done.
He sighs, melting in the slightest.
âI wonât lie, Iâm stubborn myself,â you smile a little. He wonders if youâre able to hear his heart thrumming so hard. âSo give me some time.â
He loosens a deep, loud breath, his shoulders falling in relief. âThank godâ, he whispers under his breath, the corner of his lips lifting slightly in a soft smirk.
He stays still, staring at you, before he realises he should say something. âIâll give you all the time you need.â
You smile at him, then take a step back. âTheyâre waiting for you, go.â
âOh bossy, Iâm goingâ, he tries to lighten the mood, smiling when he manages to get a chuckle out of you.
He has to admit he feels lighter after talking to you, he can feel that things are slowly getting better, day by day.
Yet, thereâs still something that has to get addressed.
âItâs not necessaryâ, he tries to convince Chan, while fixing his hair.
Theyâre about to go over felix and seungminâs place to hang out together, again. But this time youâll also be there, so Jeongin is kinda nervous and more clumsy than usual. In fact, Chan got annoyed when he almost bumped into him for the umpteenth time.
âIâm telling you, it is. Just tell her.â
âOh, easy, isnât it? Just tell her. âY/n, I got something to tell you, Iâm hopelessly in love with you and iâve been for one year, now!â. Nope, thatâs not how it worksâ
Chan rolls his eyes. âI mean, tell her as soon as you can.â
Jeongin shakes his head. âSheâs probably dating that guyâ Jae⌠whatever his name is, so I got no chance.â
Chan sighs and tries to protest, but Jeongin stops him.
âI appreciate that you care about this, but itâs not that easy. Letâs just enjoy tonight, before the comeback schedule starts.â
âNext time you choose instead of just saying you donât care!â, you answer back, mock annoyed, being the one who chose it.
Seungmin shifts in his seat only to bother you, who are sitting between him and Jeongin on the couch. You huff and push his leg, then scoot a bit closer to Jeongin.
âChangbin, please, do something.â, you shout, whiny.
Changbin gets up from the floor and manhandles him, forcing him still.
They all laugh at seungmin pretending to be hurt, not feeling any pity.
The movie actually turns out to be boring, so much that everyone falls asleep. Expect you and Jeongin.
âLetâs not tell Seungmin, I wonât stand his cocky face for the next week.â
Jeongin chuckles and agrees.
Youâre laying your head on his shoulder, when your phone buzzes.
Jeongin knows he shouldnât, but he peeks at the screen of your phone and quickly reads the name of the contact, feeling a pang of jealousy as your lips curves up into a smile.
He tries to play it cool, but heâs sure his tone didnât come out as playful as he intended. âWho got you smiling like that, huh?â
You put down your phone, slightly embarrassed. You turn your head to look at him. âNo one.â
âNo one? I donât think I believe you.â
âIf I told you, you would be jealous.â
He rolls his eyes, annoyed by the fact that youâre right. He knows who texted you and he is in fact jealous. âWhy would I be?â
You sigh and shrug, your voice low. âItâs Jaehyun.â
He tries to keep a straight face. âOh⌠so you two are close now?â
You look away, your cheeks getting pink. âI guess so.â
He almost scoffs, annoyed. He hates this. Heâs one step away from saying something rude, so he stands up abruptly, making you frown, startled.
âWhere are you going?â, you almost shout out whiny, as your usual, but keep your voice low since the guys are still asleep.
âEating something,â he wishes he could keep his tone steady and cool. âWanna join?â, his eyes never land on you, his question comes out quick, probably hoping you would say no.
But you stand from the couch and follow him into Felix and Seungminâs kitchen.
You two eat some leftovers from tonight in silence.
Jeongin is an impulsive guy, and lately heâs been feeling like shit due to these feelings towards you, and the fact that youâre having a situationship with this guy⌠itâs making him lose his mind.
Thatâs why heâs struggling so much right now to hold back his words. Itâs not like he wants to confess all of a sudden, he doesnât want to lose you. He already had a taste of life without you and it felt like hell.
But he canât tell you to forget that guy âjust becauseâ. He couldnât even if he confessed.
He feels like his brain could combust soon. Too many thoughts.
âAre you okay?â
Your soft voice snaps him back to reality. He nods slowly, not convincing you at all.
âDonât act like I donât know you enough. Whatâs wrong?â
He shifts slightly under your gaze.
Oh, everything is wrong.
âI donât like that guyâ, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them, his tone firm.
You take time to process his words, then scoff. âThatâs what I thought. Youâre being jealousââ
âYeah, but have you ever wondered why?!â he snaps. Again.
Youâre taken aback by his small outburst. âWhat do you mean?â
He loosen a heavy, sharp breath and shakes his head. âForget it.â
âWhat?! No! Youâre not doing this againâ, youâre voice raises accidentally.
âLetâs not wake them upâ
âYang Jeongin. Donât leave loose ends.â
He looks at you, conflicted, his jaw tensed. âWhat the hell do you want me to say?â
You scowl. âYou should be happy Iâm dating a guy, as a friend.â
âWell, Iâm not,â his voice is bitter. âThatâs the whole point. As a friend, you say. I canât do that anymore.â
Your gaze slowly softens, starting now to realise what his words actually mean. Not jealousy. Not possessiveness. Loss.
âOhâŚâ
He lets out a bitter chuckle. âYeah, thatâs what Iâm saying. Forget it.â
âJeongin, noâŚâ, your voice is hesitant and almost pleading. âLetâs talk about it.â
âThereâs nothing to talk about. This is not how I imagined confessing to you, at all. Iâm ruining everything once again, the thought of losing you the way I did before is eating me alive. But at the same time⌠what can I do? What can you do?â.
He exhales deeply, as though heâs been holding his breath for weeks.
You look down, feeling guilty and slightly embarrassed. âIâm⌠Iâm so sorry, Innie.â
The nickname that heâd always loved hearing from you, now stings.
He shakes his head, his voice softens. He doesnât want you to feel somehow responsible for this situation. âNo, you donât have to apologise.â
âI wish I could do somethingâ
He gets off the chair. âIâm leaving, tell the others Iâm tiredâ
You watch him gather his things. âWaitâŚâ, your voice is barely over a whisper, too overwhelmed.
He doesnât hear you, or maybe he pretends to. He leaves Felix and Seungminâs house, even though itâs hard for him to go home and be so lonely.
synopsis: Stray Kids is a kpop group under jyp entertainment, you are just a staff member that accidentally got close to the youngest one. youâre a very supportive girlfriend, always cheering Jeongin up and congratulating him after every stage. what happens when, after the last award show, you act like the professional staff member you should be?
A/N: this is my first time ever writing down something, so please be kind đĽš. I hope you enjoy it anyway.
warnings: pet names (babe/baby). already established relationship between fem!reader and Jeongin (I.N). Y/N is skzâs manager.
These are tough days for you. Not because of work or else. You donât have a specific reason, you just feel so off lately, you feel like you could just disappear and no one would notice. Maybe you are a burden, maybe everyone around you would be happy to not have you around.
Someone calls out your name, snapping you back to reality, to the backstage of the award show Stray Kids have to perform for in⌠a few minutes!?
âY/n, back to earth please?,â one of your coworkers looks at you with concerned yet slightly annoyed gaze. You widen your eyes, a bit alarmed. âYou were zoning out⌠Cmon, we donât have time. Stray Kids need their manager.â
You sigh and run a hand through your hair. âYeah, sure. Sorry.â
You look around, trying to remember at what point of your nth task your mind decided to leave, until you notice Jeonginâs gaze on you, concerned.
Your heart skips a beat. He shouldnât be concerned about you, especially now that he got to be focused on the stage. Youâre about to ruin everything, you wouldnât handle that.
Heâs about to approach you so you turn away and decide itâs time to gather all the members and guide them to the stage entrance. Youâre avoiding him, he noticed, youâre ready to deny it.
âGuys, quick!â you nod at Chan and wait for them to follow you.
âOk, guys. Good luck, even though you donât need it.â, you smile a little, genuinely proud of them, but carefully avoiding his gaze.
You take a step back and watch them cheering each other up and get on stage, before going to the backstage to watch their performance, because you know itâll be totally different from the rehearsal, way better.
You pretended not to notice Jeonginâs gaze lingering on you, you pretend you donât know he notices that you didnât cheer him up.
You rub your temple with your fingers, leaning against the car as you wait for the members and staff to get in to leave.
You feel awful and tired.
As soon as Stray Kids got off stage, you werenât there to tell them they did a good job. You didnât let them see you around, you avoided them until they had to go sit in the audience. You donât even know what youâre doing, you just feel like itâs better this way. Youâre not their friend anyway, youâre their manager. You got to be professional.
You think about Jeongin, about how easily he worries when it comes to you.
Maybe that's why you stayed out of sight after the stage. He's the perfect boyfriend, and the fear of being a burden to him feels heavier than it should. Do you deserve him?
You huff.
Your gaze lifts, hearing voices approaching. You force a smile. Youâre good at pretending.
âGo ahead, you all definitely deserve to rest, so letâs go home asap!â, you say trying to sound cheerful.
You quietly watch them getting in the car, smiling softly as they laugh all together, bantering.
You were about to go in the other car, away from the members, when Jeongin grabs your wrist and stops you from taking any step.
Your heart stops, you look up at him and blink. âW-What is it?â
He looks into your eyes, his jaw slightly clenched. âIâm coming over your place.â, his tone so firm you almost shiver.
âWhat? Why? Go to your dorm and restââ, You try to stop him, but he cuts you off.
As you step in, you both take off your shoes, placing them next to each other. You glance at him briefly, forcing a smile.
âYou seem really tired, go take a shower.â, your voice is soft, yet youâre distant.
You hate doing this, but itâs just your defensive mechanism, you canât help it. You push people away when everythingâs too much, hoping they will show they care, waiting for them to ask, not quite wanting so though.
You walk to your bedroom, meanwhile you feel his gaze burning on your back.
You sit on the edge of your bed and your mind starts to race again, or maybe it shuts. You donât know.
You sigh and shake your head.
âY/nâŚ?â he calls out softly, snapping you back to reality. You blink, startled, only then noticing heâs already changed into his pyjamas. When did he even have time to shower?
You clear your throat and stand up, a frown forms on your face as you realise how nervous you are for who knows what. âYeah? Youâre done?â
He nods and before you could slip away, he takes your hand. You find his gaze in yours, softer now.
âWhatâs wrong..?â, you ask, your voice barely over a whisper.
âWell, would you tell me whatâs wrong?â
Your uncertain eyes stay in his for some seconds before looking away. âWhat do you mean?â
He loosens a heavy sigh and withdraws your hand. âYouâve been acting off all night. Did I do anything?â
His concerned and almost guilty tone makes you want to whimper in frustration. You donât want him to feel like this, you donât want him to look at you as if he was trying to apologise for something he didnât do.
You shake your head slowly, a tight knot forming in your throat. You clear and try to steady your voice, âNo⌠no, you- you didnât do anything. Please, donât say thatâŚâ
His gaze softens ever so slightly, maybe relieved. âWill you talk to me?â
You bite your lip nervously.
âThose thoughts again?â, he asks in almost a whisper. When you nod, he grabs your elbow gently and brings you to sit on the edge of your bed. âLetâs sit and talk about it, shall we?â
Your heart flatters at his kindness. You ask yourself once again if you deserve him.
You sit, feeling anxious. You know heâll understand, he wonât judge you, yet you canât help but feel weird about your feelings.
âHow do I start with thisâŚâ, you fidget with your fingers in your lap. He notices and places his hand over yours.
âHey⌠itâs just me, okay?â, you melt under his touch. âI hate seeing you like this, I want to listen and help you.â
And you hate making him feel like this. You sigh and try to put it into words.
âI⌠feel off, lately. I feel like Iâm being a burden to everyone who knows me. Itâs not about anything that you or the guys did⌠itâs just me.â
âBabe-â, his gaze softens and his hold on your hand tightens.
âI know.â, you cut him off. âI know itâs stupid, but I donât mean to act like this.â
He sighs and scoots a bit closer, staring down at you, who are avoiding his eyes.
âYou didnât even tell me I did a great job tonight.â, his voice is low, almost a whisper, as a smirk slowly forms on his lips, trying to lighten the mood.
You huff a chuckle and finally lift your gaze up to him, your voice is a bit shaky when you try to speak, feeling tears welling up. Maybe you just need to let it out. âIâm so sorryâŚâ
He shakes his head. âItâs okay, baby, donât apologise. I just wish I could do something to make those thoughts stop racing in your mindâ
Your eyes slightly widen, panicking. âNo! No, itâs not your fault.â
His shoulders fall. âI hate feeling ignored.â
You bite your lip, feeling guilty. Thatâs the point, you always hurt him somehow.
You look away, ashamed, and try to hold back your tears.
âI know you donât do it on purpose,â he quickly adds. âBut please, Iâm asking you to talk about it to me, to trust me.â
âIâm trying to change this,â a stray tear rolls down my cheek. âI swear I am, but itâs hard.â
At the soft sob that escapes your lips, Jeongin cups your cheek to wipe away your tears and hold you.
âHey, weâre in this together, remember? Iâm here for you, you donât have to push me awayâ just let me stay.â
You nod quickly. âAnd I want to, I just need you to be patient. I know itâs already been almost a year since we started dating, butââ
âDonât say that, it doesnât matter how much time itâll take.â
You loosen a sigh and whisper âI donât deserve you.â
He frowns. âOh, donât start with the bullshit.â
My wet, sad eyes land on him. âCan I hug you?â
Jeongin looks at you softly, almost rolls his eyes at the question. He doesnât answer, just pulls you in his arms, yours immediately wrapping around him.
He lets you cry it out for a while, your tears quietly spilling. Once youâre calmed down, you look up at him, smiling softly.
Jeongin wipes away some left tears. âFeeling a bit better?â
You nod and lean into his touch, your hand goes to cover one of his thatâs holding your cheek, when you speak your voice is still a bit hoarse. âYou did well tonight. Of course. You donât need me to say it.â
A grin grows on his lips, making his sweet dimples pop out, which you immediately take a look at. âBut I want to hear you say it.â
You smile, feeling warmth spreading all over your chest. âThank you, InnieâŚâ
synopsis: Stray Kids is a kpop group under jyp entertainment, you are just a staff member that accidentally got close to the youngest one. youâre a very supportive girlfriend, always cheering Jeongin up and congratulating him after every stage. what happens when, after the last award show, you act like the professional staff member you should be?
A/N: this is my first time ever writing down something, so please be kind đĽš. I hope you enjoy it anyway.
warnings: pet names (babe/baby). already established relationship between fem!reader and Jeongin (I.N). Y/N is skzâs manager.
These are tough days for you. Not because of work or else. You donât have a specific reason, you just feel so off lately, you feel like you could just disappear and no one would notice. Maybe you are a burden, maybe everyone around you would be happy to not have you around.
Someone calls out your name, snapping you back to reality, to the backstage of the award show Stray Kids have to perform for in⌠a few minutes!?
âY/n, back to earth please?,â one of your coworkers looks at you with concerned yet slightly annoyed gaze. You widen your eyes, a bit alarmed. âYou were zoning out⌠Cmon, we donât have time. Stray Kids need their manager.â
You sigh and run a hand through your hair. âYeah, sure. Sorry.â
You look around, trying to remember at what point of your nth task your mind decided to leave, until you notice Jeonginâs gaze on you, concerned.
Your heart skips a beat. He shouldnât be concerned about you, especially now that he got to be focused on the stage. Youâre about to ruin everything, you wouldnât handle that.
Heâs about to approach you so you turn away and decide itâs time to gather all the members and guide them to the stage entrance. Youâre avoiding him, he noticed, youâre ready to deny it.
âGuys, quick!â you nod at Chan and wait for them to follow you.
âOk, guys. Good luck, even though you donât need it.â, you smile a little, genuinely proud of them, but carefully avoiding his gaze.
You take a step back and watch them cheering each other up and get on stage, before going to the backstage to watch their performance, because you know itâll be totally different from the rehearsal, way better.
You pretended not to notice Jeonginâs gaze lingering on you, you pretend you donât know he notices that you didnât cheer him up.
You rub your temple with your fingers, leaning against the car as you wait for the members and staff to get in to leave.
You feel awful and tired.
As soon as Stray Kids got off stage, you werenât there to tell them they did a good job. You didnât let them see you around, you avoided them until they had to go sit in the audience. You donât even know what youâre doing, you just feel like itâs better this way. Youâre not their friend anyway, youâre their manager. You got to be professional.
You think about Jeongin, about how easily he worries when it comes to you.
Maybe that's why you stayed out of sight after the stage. He's the perfect boyfriend, and the fear of being a burden to him feels heavier than it should. Do you deserve him?
You huff.
Your gaze lifts, hearing voices approaching. You force a smile. Youâre good at pretending.
âGo ahead, you all definitely deserve to rest, so letâs go home asap!â, you say trying to sound cheerful.
You quietly watch them getting in the car, smiling softly as they laugh all together, bantering.
You were about to go in the other car, away from the members, when Jeongin grabs your wrist and stops you from taking any step.
Your heart stops, you look up at him and blink. âW-What is it?â
He looks into your eyes, his jaw slightly clenched. âIâm coming over your place.â, his tone so firm you almost shiver.
âWhat? Why? Go to your dorm and restââ, You try to stop him, but he cuts you off.
As you step in, you both take off your shoes, placing them next to each other. You glance at him briefly, forcing a smile.
âYou seem really tired, go take a shower.â, your voice is soft, yet youâre distant.
You hate doing this, but itâs just your defensive mechanism, you canât help it. You push people away when everythingâs too much, hoping they will show they care, waiting for them to ask, not quite wanting so though.
You walk to your bedroom, meanwhile you feel his gaze burning on your back.
You sit on the edge of your bed and your mind starts to race again, or maybe it shuts. You donât know.
You sigh and shake your head.
âY/nâŚ?â he calls out softly, snapping you back to reality. You blink, startled, only then noticing heâs already changed into his pyjamas. When did he even have time to shower?
You clear your throat and stand up, a frown forms on your face as you realise how nervous you are for who knows what. âYeah? Youâre done?â
He nods and before you could slip away, he takes your hand. You find his gaze in yours, softer now.
âWhatâs wrong..?â, you ask, your voice barely over a whisper.
âWell, would you tell me whatâs wrong?â
Your uncertain eyes stay in his for some seconds before looking away. âWhat do you mean?â
He loosens a heavy sigh and withdraws your hand. âYouâve been acting off all night. Did I do anything?â
His concerned and almost guilty tone makes you want to whimper in frustration. You donât want him to feel like this, you donât want him to look at you as if he was trying to apologise for something he didnât do.
You shake your head slowly, a tight knot forming in your throat. You clear and try to steady your voice, âNo⌠no, you- you didnât do anything. Please, donât say thatâŚâ
His gaze softens ever so slightly, maybe relieved. âWill you talk to me?â
You bite your lip nervously.
âThose thoughts again?â, he asks in almost a whisper. When you nod, he grabs your elbow gently and brings you to sit on the edge of your bed. âLetâs sit and talk about it, shall we?â
Your heart flatters at his kindness. You ask yourself once again if you deserve him.
You sit, feeling anxious. You know heâll understand, he wonât judge you, yet you canât help but feel weird about your feelings.
âHow do I start with thisâŚâ, you fidget with your fingers in your lap. He notices and places his hand over yours.
âHey⌠itâs just me, okay?â, you melt under his touch. âI hate seeing you like this, I want to listen and help you.â
And you hate making him feel like this. You sigh and try to put it into words.
âI⌠feel off, lately. I feel like Iâm being a burden to everyone who knows me. Itâs not about anything that you or the guys did⌠itâs just me.â
âBabe-â, his gaze softens and his hold on your hand tightens.
âI know.â, you cut him off. âI know itâs stupid, but I donât mean to act like this.â
He sighs and scoots a bit closer, staring down at you, who are avoiding his eyes.
âYou didnât even tell me I did a great job tonight.â, his voice is low, almost a whisper, as a smirk slowly forms on his lips, trying to lighten the mood.
You huff a chuckle and finally lift your gaze up to him, your voice is a bit shaky when you try to speak, feeling tears welling up. Maybe you just need to let it out. âIâm so sorryâŚâ
He shakes his head. âItâs okay, baby, donât apologise. I just wish I could do something to make those thoughts stop racing in your mindâ
Your eyes slightly widen, panicking. âNo! No, itâs not your fault.â
His shoulders fall. âI hate feeling ignored.â
You bite your lip, feeling guilty. Thatâs the point, you always hurt him somehow.
You look away, ashamed, and try to hold back your tears.
âI know you donât do it on purpose,â he quickly adds. âBut please, Iâm asking you to talk about it to me, to trust me.â
âIâm trying to change this,â a stray tear rolls down my cheek. âI swear I am, but itâs hard.â
At the soft sob that escapes your lips, Jeongin cups your cheek to wipe away your tears and hold you.
âHey, weâre in this together, remember? Iâm here for you, you donât have to push me awayâ just let me stay.â
You nod quickly. âAnd I want to, I just need you to be patient. I know itâs already been almost a year since we started dating, butââ
âDonât say that, it doesnât matter how much time itâll take.â
You loosen a sigh and whisper âI donât deserve you.â
He frowns. âOh, donât start with the bullshit.â
My wet, sad eyes land on him. âCan I hug you?â
Jeongin looks at you softly, almost rolls his eyes at the question. He doesnât answer, just pulls you in his arms, yours immediately wrapping around him.
He lets you cry it out for a while, your tears quietly spilling. Once youâre calmed down, you look up at him, smiling softly.
Jeongin wipes away some left tears. âFeeling a bit better?â
You nod and lean into his touch, your hand goes to cover one of his thatâs holding your cheek, when you speak your voice is still a bit hoarse. âYou did well tonight. Of course. You donât need me to say it.â
A grin grows on his lips, making his sweet dimples pop out, which you immediately take a look at. âBut I want to hear you say it.â
You smile, feeling warmth spreading all over your chest. âThank you, InnieâŚâ
Iâm so proud of stray kids, like literally I canât put into words how Iâm happy for them, and it might sound ridiculous because âi donât know themâ, but Iâve been seeing them growing musically and also their numbers growing always higher every year since 2022 which are almost 4 years, seeing them getting stronger and always true to themselves. ughh I just love them so much
gda skzâs stage was such FIRE, literally always the best, they always EAT and make those shows less boring. I love their energy, I just wish the camera work could make them justice, especially lee know whoâs never in the frame when itâs his momentđ
Synopsis: In the quiet halls of the church and the secrecy of the night, boundaries are tested, faith is questioned, and desires threaten to consume both you and Jeongin. Some sins are easy to resistâothers, once tasted, become impossible to forget. (17,4k words)
Author's note: Hot priest Jeongin returns! Please enjoy this one too and leave a feedback âĄ
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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events and incidents are products of my imagination and used in a fictitious manner. Be aware that there are mentions of alcohol addiction and self-harm implicitly.
The church is quiet, save for the distant murmur of prayers and the soft creak of old wooden pews. Outside, the scent of burning incense lingering in the air, wrapping around the sacred space like a whisper of devotion. Candles flicker along the altar, their golden light casting shifting shadows against stained glass, illuminating stories of faith, sacrifice, and redemption.
But in the privacy of his office, Jeongin feels none of that.
The sanctity of the church should be enough to steady him, to remind him of his place, of his duty. And yet, as he stands before you, his pulse thrums unsteadily beneath his skin, loud enough that he wonders if you can hear it too.
Youâre still closeâso close that he can feel the warmth of your body in the dimly lit space. The air between you is thick, heavy with something unspoken, something dangerous. It coils around him, testing the limits of his restraint, daring him to step over a line he swore never to cross again.
He should say something. He should tell you to leave, that thisâwhatever this isâhas to stop. But his voice betrays him, staying lodged in his throat as his gaze drifts to your lips, remembering the way they felt against his only moments ago.
His mind is a mess, tangled between restraint and desire, faith and something that feels just as powerful. But when he looks at youâat your glassy eyes, at the way your lips part as if searching for something to sayâhis resolve fractures.
And then, before he can stop himself, he kisses you.
The moment his lips meet yours, Jeongin feels his world shift. It's soft, tentative at first, but the second he feels you respondâyour fingers tightening around his, the slight tilt of your head, the way you sigh against his mouthâsomething deep within him crumbles.
He knows he shouldnât. He knows this is dangerous, that crossing this line again will only complicate everything further. But with you pressed close, his hands finding their way to your waist, he feels everything else slip awayâthe church, his vows, the weight of his title. Right now, none of it exists. There is only you.
A part of him waits for guilt to settle in, for the crushing weight of his conscience to pull him back. But it doesnât come. Instead, all he feels is warmthâthe kind he hasnât allowed himself to feel in so long.
When he finally pulls away, his forehead rests against yours, breaths mingling in the quiet space between you. His hands linger at your sides, hesitant, as if unsure whether to let go or pull you closer.
âThis⌠isnât right,â he murmurs, but even as he says it, he doesnât move away.
You donât answer immediately. Instead, you search his face, as if trying to understand whatâs going on inside his head. When you finally speak, your voice is barely above a whisper.
âThen why does it feel like it is?â
Jeongin closes his eyes, exhaling shakily. He doesnât have an answer. Maybe because part of him agrees. Maybe because, for the first time in a long time, he doesnât want to fight it.
But wanting something doesnât make it right.
And yet, as you stand there in the quiet of his office, as he traces the shape of you with his fingertips, Jeongin wonders if maybeâjust maybeâthis is the one sin heâs willing to commit.
-
Jeongin moves before he can think.
One second, heâs battling the storm inside him, and the next, his hands are on youâgrasping, pulling, pressing. Your back meets the bookshelves with a soft thud, the scent of aged paper and ink mixing with the warmth of his breath as his lips crash against yours. Itâs desperate, consuming, a kiss that speaks of everything heâs tried to bury.
Your fingers tangle in his hair, and he groans against your mouth, his grip tightening on your waist as he presses you further against the shelves. Books shift, a few tumbling to the floor, but neither of you notice. The weight of restraint, of months spent apart, shatters between you.
Then, suddenly, he lifts youâstrong hands curling under your thighs as he carries you across the room. The edge of his desk meets your stomach as he turns you, his fingers splaying over your spine, guiding you down. Your breath hitches as he leans over you, his lips trailing along the curve of your shoulder, his hands exploring, worshiping.
As for his hands, they're busy pulling, yanking your underwear down and once it's pooling around your ankle, ha palms your sex, feeling your clit pulsating with every gentle rub of his fingers on it.
The room is silent save for the ragged breaths you share, the faint creak of wood beneath you, and the whispered remnants of his resolve unraveling with every movement.
Here, in the dim glow of his office, Jeongin surrenders. Not to temptation, not to sinâbut to the undeniable truth that when heâs with you, he feels whole.
The moment he fully sinks into you, he pauses, giving you a moment to adjust to his size. He hears you breathe in and out, and then suck in a sharp, needy inhale as his hand land on your clit again and begin circling on it. He doesnât move for several long moments, simply letting you feel his whole length inside you.
His hands grip your hips, fingers pressing into your skin as if to remind himself that you're realâthat this moment isn't some fleeting dream. He moves with urgency, with hunger, each motion a confession of everything he's tried to suppress. The need, the longing, the ache of your absenceâit all unravels in the way he takes you.
Your body molds against him, meeting every touch, every thrust with the same desperate need. A sharp gasp escapes you, followed by another, and another, until your voice grows louder, echoing through the quiet of the office.
Panic flickers in Jeonginâs eyes. The church is vast, but sound carries, and the thought of anyone hearing youâof anyone knowingâsends a jolt through him. Without thinking, he presses a hand over your mouth, his breath hot against the back of your neck as he whispers, âShhâŚâ
But even as he says it, he knows he's lost. Knows he can't stop, can't pull away, can't pretend he doesnât want this, doesnât need this. And the way you tremble beneath him, the way you donât resistâonly sink further into his touchâtells him that you donât want him to stop either.
The desk creaks beneath you, your bodies moving in sync, tangled between want and something deeper, something unspoken. His hand remains over your mouth, but your muffled moans still break through, each one unraveling him further.
Heâs never wanted anything more than thisâthan you. And right now, nothing else exists.
Jeongin's grip tightens on your waist, his pace unrelenting, his body pressed firmly against yours. His breath is hot against your ear as he leans in, voice low, teasing, sinful.
"Do you want the whole church to hear you?" he murmurs, his tone laced with something dark, something wicked. "Want someone to walk in and see you like this? See you bent over my desk, moaning like a sinner?"
A shiver runs down your spine at his words, a rush of heat pooling in your core. He feels itâthe way your body clenches around him, the way you react to his tauntsâand it only spurs him on.
"You like that idea, donât you?" he breathes, his fingers trailing up your back, your skin burning under his touch. "Filthy."
Your muffled whimper against his palm betrays you, and Jeongin chuckles, the sound deep, knowing. His other hand slides down, gripping your hip tighter as he pushes into you with more force, more purpose.
"Maybe I should take my hand away," he muses, teasing. "Let them hear exactly how much you love this."
But he doesnât. He keeps his hand firmly over your mouth, swallowing every desperate sound you make, as if he knows youâd be too loudâtoo lost in the pleasure heâs giving you. And that thought aloneâknowing how much he affects youâundoes him completely.
"You like this, donât you?" he murmurs, his voice a deep whisper against your ear. "The thought of someone hearing, of someone knowing what Iâm doing to you right now."
Your body tenses at his words, a shudder rolling through you as your fingers curl against the polished wood. You shouldnât like itâshouldnât crave it the way you doâbut the way his voice drips with something almost sinful makes your breath hitch.
Jeongin chuckles softly, pressing a kiss against the back of your shoulder, his lips warm against your skin. "You're so eager for me," he muses, his grip tightening, his pace unrelenting. "Maybe itâs a good thing I covered your mouth. Otherwise, the whole church would know just how filthy you sound when I touch you like this."
Your muffled whimper is his only answer, and it only fuels him further. His restraint is fraying, unraveling with every desperate sound you make beneath his palm. The weight of his presence, the heat of his body against yoursâitâs overwhelming. Consuming.
Jeongin pulls out just to push it back in, hard enough that he launches you forward, he continues thrusting and slides a hand around your hips to play with your clit. Three or four strokes later, and you come around him.
He follows you over the edge, chanting your name like a prayer andAnd in this moment, with nothing but the heavy scent of old books and candle wax in the air, Jeongin lets himself forget. Forget the weight of his collar. Forget the vows heâs breaking. Forget the world beyond these four walls.
Right now, there is only you.
-
The weight of the moment still lingers in the air, thick and heady, as Jeongin slowly exhales. His hands move on their own accord, instinctively smoothing down your dress as he kneels before you. His breath is warm against your skin as he leans in, his lips brushing over the inside of your thigh, a soft kiss before his tongue flicks out to taste the remnants of himself on you.
A quiet gasp leaves your lips as your fingers weave into his hair, but Jeongin doesnât lingerânot this time. Heâs gentle, thorough, his hands gripping your legs steady as he cleans up the mess he made with his slick, hot tongue, the intimacy of it making something tighten in his chest.
Once heâs finished, he reaches for your discarded underwear, sliding it back up your legs with careful hands. His fingers graze your skin as he adjusts the hem of your dress, his touch lingering a second too long before he finally stands.
Neither of you speak as he helps you straighten your clothes, his hands smoothing out the wrinkles on your sleeves, then reaching down to pick up your purse from where it had fallen. When he hands it to you, your fingers brush, and you look up at him, searching his face.
âCan I see you again?â you ask softly.
Jeongin hesitates for only a second, but he already knows the answer. Heâs too far gone to turn back now. His fingers find their way to your hair, gently tucking a stray strand behind your ear as he leans in, pressing a kiss to your lips.
"Tomorrow," he murmurs, his voice low, steady. "I'll see you again tomorrow."
A small smile plays at your lips, and something inside Jeongin eases at the sight. But the moment is fleeting, the reality of where you are settling back in as he glances toward the door. Without another word, he kisses you again, quick and rushed, as if afraid someone might walk in and shatter this fragile moment.
Then, with one last glance, you turn toward the door. As you step out of his office, you flash him a smileâsoft, knowingâand then youâre gone.
Jeongin stands there for a moment, staring at the closed door, his heart pounding against his ribs.
Tomorrow.
It should scare him. It should make him second-guess everything. But instead, all he can think about is how he already canât wait to see you again.
-
The cafĂŠ is tucked away on a quiet street, far enough from Jeonginâs neighborhood that he doesnât have to worry about running into anyone familiar. Still, as he steps inside, a flicker of unease settles in his chest. His eyes scan the room, searchingâuntil they land on you.
You're sitting by the window, fingers wrapped around a cup of coffee, absentmindedly stirring the liquid with your spoon. Sunlight filters through the glass, casting a soft glow on your skin, and when you finally notice him standing by the entrance, your face lights up.
Jeonginâs breath catches.
Itâs ridiculous, really. Heâs been with you beforeâheld you, kissed you, memorized the way your body fits against his. And yet, standing here now, watching the way your lips curve into a smile just for him, he feels his heart stutter like a nervous teenager on his first date.
His first date.
A strange thought, but an accurate one. He hasnât done thisâmet someone in a cafĂŠ, taken the time to sit across from them and just exist togetherâfor over three years. The realization unsettles him, but before he can dwell on it, you wave him over.
âHey,â you greet, your voice warm, inviting. âYou made it.â
He exhales, pushing away his hesitation, and moves toward you. âOf course,â he says, pulling out the chair across from you. âSorry, Iââ He clears his throat. âDidnât keep you waiting long, did I?â
You shake your head. âNot at all.â
For a moment, thereâs a beat of quiet between you, but itâs not awkward. Itâs comfortable. Jeongin watches as you take a sip of your drink, your eyes flickering toward him with something unreadable in themâsomething soft, something patient. It grounds him.
The conversation starts naturally, flowing like it always does between you two. You talk about little thingsâthe cafĂŠ, the pastries, the books stacked neatly on a nearby shelf. At one point, Jeongin admits he hasnât been to a place like this in years, and you smile at him knowingly.
âI guess it does feel a little⌠date-like,â you tease, your eyes glinting with amusement.
Jeongin scoffs lightly, though his ears burn at the comment. âItâs just coffee.â
âMm.â You hum, stirring your drink again. âAnd what if I told you I liked the idea of it being a date?â
He swallows hard, fingers tightening around his cup. âThenâŚâ He exhales a quiet laugh, shaking his head. âThen Iâd be in trouble, wouldnât I?â
You grin at that, tilting your head slightly as if studying him. Before he can overthink whatever it is youâre searching for in his face, you reach into your bag and pull something out, sliding it across the table toward him.
Jeongin blinks.
Itâs his bookâhis latest one, the one he spent months agonizing over, the one he thought youâd never read.
âI was going to ask you last time,â you say, tapping the cover. âBut⌠we were kind of preoccupied.â
Heat rises to his face as flashes of last night fill his mind. He coughs, shifting in his seat. âYeah. Preoccupied.â
You laugh softly before sliding a pen toward him. âWould you please sign it for me?â
Jeongin hesitates, his fingers brushing against the bookâs worn edges. He shouldâve expected thisâheâs signed copies for other readers before. But something about this feels different. More intimate.
Carefully, he flips open the cover, pen poised above the blank page. âWhat do you want me to write?â
You shrug. âWhatever you want.â
Thatâs almost worse.
Jeongin takes a moment, staring at the empty space in front of him. He could just sign his name and be done with it. But instead, his hand moves on its own, words flowing before he can second-guess them.
To the one who sees me, in ways no one else ever has.
He pauses, pressing his lips together before adding his signature beneath it.
When he finally pushes the book back to you, you glance down at the page, eyes skimming over his handwriting. Jeongin watches closely, nervous for some reason, but when you look up at him again, thereâs something softer in your expression. Something that tugs at the deepest part of him.
âThank you,â you murmur, tracing the edge of the book.
He nods, clearing his throat. âYeah.â
And just like that, the cafĂŠ, the people, the outside worldâit all fades into the background. For this moment, itâs just the two of you. Just coffee, a book, and something unspoken lingering between you.
-
The sun hangs low in the sky, casting streaks of gold and orange across the horizon as Jeongin walks beside you. The air is crisp, filled with the quiet hum of the city winding down, the occasional laughter of children playing in the distance, the rustle of leaves beneath your feet.
For a while, neither of you say anything. Itâs a comfortable silence, one that Jeongin has grown to cherish. But then, you sigh, gaze flickering toward the sky as if searching for something.
âA lot happened in the last four months,â you murmur.
Jeongin turns his head slightly, giving you his full attention. âYeah?â
You nod. âI graduated.â
His lips curl into a smile. âI knew you would. Congratulations on that!â
You let out a quiet laugh, but thereâs something tired in the way you do it. âThank you. I also got an internship at a magazine.â
âI did,â you admit. âItâs been⌠busy, but Iâm learning a lot.â
Thereâs something unspoken in the way you say it, and Jeongin waits, knowing thereâs more.
You take a deep breath before continuing, âI moved out of my parentsâ house.â
That catches him off guard. He blinks, processing your words. âYou did?â
You nod again, but this time, your expression shiftsâlike youâre remembering something heavy, something that weighs on you. âMy mother refused the idea. We fought about it. She said I was being selfish, that I didnât think about the family.â You let out a dry laugh, shaking your head. âIt got bad. And now⌠weâre not really on good terms.â
Jeongin listens intently as you speak, taking in every word, every hesitation, every flicker of emotion that crosses your face. But what truly catches his attention is your handâthe way it drifts to your thigh, fingers curling into the fabric of your skirt, pressing down, gripping tighter with every mention of your mother. He knows that kind of pain, the kind that doesnât just exist in your heart but demands to be felt in your body, as if hurting yourself physically could somehow lessen the ache inside.
âI donât really have anyone now,â you say softly.
And maybe you donât even realize youâre doing it, but he sees the way your nails press into your skin, the way you try to keep your voice even when it trembles at the edges.
Before he can think twice, he reaches out, gently prying your fingers away and taking your hand in his. His grip is firm but warm, grounding. Your breath hitches slightly, eyes darting to where his fingers intertwine with yours.
"Youâre not alone," Jeongin says softly, his thumb brushing lightly over your knuckles.
You look up at him, startled, as if hearing those words out loud shakes something loose inside you.
"Sometimes we have to leave things behind, even people we love, to become who weâre meant to be," he continues. "And it hurts. But that doesnât mean you have to carry it all by yourself."
Your fingers twitch in his grasp, but you donât pull away. Instead, after a moment, you squeeze his hand back, just barelyâbut enough for Jeongin to feel it.
He exhales, a quiet relief settling over him.
Itâs such a simple thing. Just holding hands. And yet, standing here, feeling your warmth, feeling the way your fingers fit so perfectly between hisâhe knows this isnât simple at all.
Holding your hand isnât just about stopping you from hurting yourself. Itâs a silent promise, a reassurance that even in the spaces where the past still lingers, where the pain still throbsâyouâre not alone.
And he likes it. He likes the way it feels, how easy it is, how right it seems. He likes that everyone around can see that youâre with him and heâs with you, like any other couple walking through the park. Just two people enjoying the sunset together.
Forgetting, just for a moment, that thereâs anything complicated about this at all.
-
As Jeongin walks you home, the city hums around youâthe occasional car passing by, the distant chatter of pedestrians, the soft glow of streetlights casting elongated shadows against the pavement. But none of it registers, not really. Not when you're right beside him, your fingers occasionally brushing against his as you walk.
When you finally reach your apartment building, you stop at the entrance and turn to face him. The warm glow of the lights above the door softens your features, making you look even more beautiful, and Jeongin grips the edge of his sleeve to stop himself from reaching for you outright.
"Thank you for today," you say softly, your voice carrying a sincerity that makes something in his chest tighten. "I had a nice time."
He holds your gaze, his fingers twitching at his sides. His first instinct is to say something, anything, but the words don't come. Instead, his hand finds yours again, holding it between both of his, as if reluctant to let go.
A moment passes in silence.
Then, you ask, "Do you⌠want to come upstairs?"
Jeongin knows what will happen if he says yes. If he follows you up, if he steps into your apartment, if youâre alone together behind a locked door. His body wants to say yes. His heart wants to say yes. But his mind tells him to stop.
Not yet.
He swallows the urge and offers you a small, apologetic smile. "Maybe some other time."
You nod in understanding, though there's the smallest flicker of disappointment in your eyes. But it disappears as quickly as it came when you gather the courage to ask, "Is it too soon to ask when I can see you again?"
Jeongin exhales a soft laugh, warmth blooming in his chest at your shyness. "The church is giving out free ice cream this Sunday," he tells you. "You should come."
You smile. "I will."
He wants to hold you, to pull you against his chest and feel your warmth, not even in a way that would lead to something moreâjust to embrace you, to exist in this moment together. But it's too public, too risky.
So instead, he swallows the urge and nods toward the entrance. "You should head in."
You hesitate, as if reluctant to leave him. But then you nod, whisper a soft, "Goodnight," and turn toward the door.
He watches you take a few steps away, pausing at the entrance, glancing over your shoulder at him one last time before finally stepping inside.
As the door closes behind you, Jeongin lets out a deep breath, a realization settling heavily in his chest.
He just let you go. And he doesnât want to.
Before he can stop himself, he moves. His feet carry him forward, past the entrance and up the stairs, two at a time.
When you hear his hurried footsteps, you stop on the landing and turn around, eyes widening slightly when you see him coming up to meet you. He slows as he reaches you, stopping one step lower so that, for once, you're at the same height.
For a second, neither of you speaks.
Then, Jeongin reaches out, his hand cradling your jaw, his thumb brushing over your cheek. He kisses you. Softly, gentlyâso different from the way he kissed you last night. Thereâs no urgency, no desperation, just a quiet reverence, a tenderness that makes your breath hitch. He kisses you like heâs memorizing the feel of you, like heâs terrified heâll never get to do this again.
And then he pulls away, though not entirely. His lips linger close, his breath still warm against yours, as if he isnât quite ready to break the moment.
Finally, he steps back, his lips curving into a small smile. "Goodnight," he whispers.
And then, before he can change his mind, he turns and makes his way back down the stairs.
As he steps onto the street, he exhales slowly, his fingers brushing over his lips, still tingling from your kiss.
-
The church is filled with soft murmurs, the rustle of pages turning in hymnbooks, the occasional cough echoing against the high ceilings. Stained glass windows filter the morning light into fractured colors, casting hues of red, blue, and gold onto the congregation. It should feel like any other Sunday, another routine sermon, another familiar rhythm of prayers and scripture.
But Jeongin knows this Sunday is different.
Because youâre here.
He suppresses the smile threatening to curl at his lips, instead lowering his gaze to the pages of his Bible, feigning concentration. But no matter how hard he tries to focus, his mind keeps driftingâto the soft lilt of your voice, the way you looked at him two nights ago on the stairs, the feeling of your lips against his.
The knowledge that youâre sitting among the parishioners, listening to his sermon, sends a strange warmth coursing through his veins. Itâs an awareness that settles deep within him, a silent anticipation that he tries desperately to suppress. He shouldnât be this excited to see you.
And yet, as he stands at the pulpit, addressing the congregation, his eyes instinctively scan the pews until they land on you.
Youâre near the middle, sitting quietly among the others, your hands folded neatly in your lap. Your head is bowed slightly, your eyes fixed on him with an attentiveness that makes his pulse stutter.
For a fleeting moment, the rest of the church fades away.
Itâs just you. Just him.
Then, realizing heâs lingering too long, Jeongin quickly looks away, clearing his throat before continuing his sermon.
He reminds himself to keep his voice steady, to not let the words tremble with the weight of knowing youâre watching him. But even as he speaks about faith and devotion, about Godâs plan and the strength to follow it, he wondersâif he were to step down from the pulpit, if he were to walk through the pews and take your hand in his⌠would that be straying from Godâs path?
Or was it possible⌠that you were part of it?
The thought lingers, even as he bows his head in prayer, even as the choir sings its final hymn.
And when the mass ends and people begin to file out, Jeongin finds himself searching for you again, anticipation thrumming beneath his skin.
Because this Sunday, for the first time in a long time, heâs not just waiting for the service to be over.
Heâs waiting for you.
-
The late morning sun casts a warm glow over the churchyard, the air filled with the laughter of children as they eagerly crowd around the ice cream booth. Their voices blend together, bright and full of excitement, their small hands reaching out for the free treats.
Jeongin spots you standing a few feet away from the scene, watching with a faint smile, your hands tucked into the sleeves of your cardigan. He approaches, keeping a safe distance between you, aware of the parishioners mingling nearby.
âYouâre not joining them?â he asks, tilting his head toward the booth.
You shake your head, amusement flickering in your eyes. âI donât want to get hurt.â
He laughs at that, the sound coming naturally, effortlessly. âYouâre lucky youâre with me, then. I can get you one without queuing.â
Before you can protest, he turns on his heel and heads toward the booth. The kids part easily for him, greeting him with bright smiles and playful chatter, and within moments, he returns with a small cup of ice cream in hand.
âHere.â He hands it to you, and for the briefest moment, your fingers brush against his as you take it from him.
Itâs nothingâjust a fleeting touch, a second of contact. And yet, the sensation lingers, a jolt of electricity shooting through him. He quickly looks away, willing himself to act normal, but itâs difficult when you look so beautiful today. When all he wants to do is hold you, pull you closer, press a kiss to the corner of your mouth just to see you smile like that again.
Instead, the two of you stand there in silence, side by side, neither of you quite knowing how to act.
Then, you clear your throat, breaking the quiet. âI, um⌠I wonât be able to see you for a couple of days.â
Jeongin blinks, glancing at you. âOh?â
You nod, stirring your ice cream with the small plastic spoon. âI have a work tripâjust two days. Iâll be back soon.â
A teasing smirk tugs at his lips. âI thought you were going to ask when you can see me again.â
You laugh softly, a little shy, a little flustered. âWell⌠maybe I was.â
Heâs about to respond, to say something he shouldnât, when a voice calls his name.
âFather Yang!â
He turns to see a parishioner approaching, one that he recognizes has been a generous donor to the church, smiling warmly as he makes his way over.
And just like that, the moment is gone.
You step back almost instantly, gripping your cup of ice cream a little tighter. âI should go,â you say quickly, nodding toward Jeongin before offering the other man a polite smile. âThank you for the ice cream.â
Before he can say anything, before he can even think, you turn and walk away, disappearing into the crowd.
Jeongin exhales slowly, watching you go, his fingers curling into his palm as he swallows the urge to follow.
-
Jeongin tries to focus. He really does.
The late afternoon sun filters through the church windows, casting golden light across the wooden pews, the air thick with the lingering scent of incense. The afternoon mass had gone smoothly, the hymns sung beautifully, the prayers spoken with quiet devotion. But even as he stood at the altar, delivering his sermon, his mind wandered elsewhereâto you.
You, with your soft voice and bright eyes.
You, with your laughter that still echoed in his ears.
You, walking away from him after mass, leaving him with nothing but the ghost of your touch and the lingering scent of your perfume.
He exhales, rubbing a hand over his face as he steps outside, hoping that the cool air will clear his mind. He has some free time before the Bible studies, and a part of him hopes that the distraction will be enough to keep his thoughts at bay.
As if you sense that he's drifting away from you, his phone buzzes inside hus pocket. He pulls it out and sure enough, your name lights up his screen, a simple message waiting for him:
Can I call you?
Jeongin's breath catches, his thumb hovering over the screen. He looks around the church, empty except for a few parishioners coming into the church to pray in the peaceful silence.
With that, he turns on his heel, making his way toward his office. His pace quickens with every step, anticipation buzzing beneath his skin.
Jeongin shuts the door behind him, leaning against the solid wood as he exhales. His phone is still buzzing in his palm, your name glowing on the screen. He hesitates only for a second before accepting the call, bringing it to his ear.
âHello?â
Thereâs silence for a brief moment, just the soft sound of your breath filtering through the line. Thenâ
âIâm so wet.â
Jeongin stiffens. His grip on the phone tightens. âWhat?â
A quiet laugh escapes you, breathy and teasing, but thereâs a slight tremble beneath it. âI started thinking about you⌠and I justââ You sigh, the sound dragging against his nerves like a slow burn. âI couldnât help myself.â
Jeongin swallows, his throat suddenly dry. His free hand flexes at his side before gripping the edge of his desk. âWhere are you?â His voice is lower than he expected.
âMy hotel room,â you murmur. âLying on my bed⌠naked, touching myself.â
A sharp breath leaves him, and he clenches his jaw. His mind floods with images he shouldnât entertain, things he shouldnât want, yet his body betrays him, heat pooling low in his stomach. He exhales through his nose, tilting his head back slightly.
âWhat are you thinking about?â His voice comes out rough, unsteady.
âYou,â you admit without hesitation. âYour hands, your lips⌠how you feel against me. I want you, Jeongin.â
His breath shudders as his restraint frays. His fingers move almost unconsciously, yanking open the front of his dark slacks. The pressure has been building since the moment you spoke, his body responding before he could stop it.
He shifts against the desk, eyes fluttering shut. âTell me more.â
You do.
âMy legs are spreading open and it makes me think of you kneeling between them.â
Jeongin exhales sharply, his fingers tightening around the phone as your voice filters through the speaker. The sound of your breath, the quiet rustle of fabricâhe can picture it too vividly.
âTell me,â he murmurs, his voice low, rough around the edges. His free hand moves to palm over himself, feeling the ache growing unbearable. âWhat are you doing now?â
A shaky sigh comes from your end. âIâm spreading my legs wider,â you confess, voice barely above a whisper. âIâm running my fingers downââ You cut off with a soft, unsteady breath. âItâs so wet, Jeongin. I need you inside me.â
His name leaving your lips like that sends a sharp pulse of heat through him. He groans under his breath, finally giving in as he wraps a hand around himself, stroking slowly.
âKeep going,â he tells you, his voice strained.
âIâm making a mess on my bed and I wish... wish it was your cock instead of my fingers.â
You describe everything in vivid detail, every touch, every movement, every filthy thought that runs through your mind. And Jeonginâhe canât help it. His fingers tighten, his strokes becoming more deliberate, matching the rhythm of your breathless moans.
âI want you in my hand, in my mouth, inside me... I want you all over me.â
He knows he shouldnât. He knows this is wrong. But right now, with the way you sound, the way youâre whispering his name like a prayerâheâs too far gone to care.
Jeonginâs grip on the phone tightens when his screen lights up with a notificationâyour name, followed by a video attachment. His breath catches in his throat.
He knows he shouldnât open it. He knows this is crossing another line. But with your breathless voice still in his ear, whispering filthy things, he doesnât even hesitate.
The video loads, and then he sees youânaked, spread out on the bed, fingers disappearing between your legs, your lips parted in a soft moan as you arch slightly against the mattress.
Jeongin exhales sharply, his jaw clenching.
âFuck,â he mutters under his breath, his hand tightening around himself.
On the other end of the line, you let out a breathy giggle. âDo you like it?â
His eyes stay glued to the screen, his chest rising and falling heavily. âYouâre a dirty girl,â he rasps. âFilthy.â
You hum at that, clearly pleased by his reaction. âOnly for you.â
His fingers flex against the phone. âIf you were here right now,â he murmurs, voice low and rough, âIâd have you bent over this desk.â
You let out a soft, needy whimper.
âIâd have spanked you,â he continues, his tone dark with promise. âFor being so shameless. For teasing me like this.â
Your breath stutters, and Jeongin feels a twisted sense of satisfaction knowing how much his words affect you.
âWould you like that?â he taunts. âWould you take it, like a good girl?â
âYes,â you breathe, and thatâs all it takes to push him over the edge.
His movements grow erratic, his head tilting back as pleasure crashes through him. He groans lowly, your name slipping past his lips as he comes undone.
Silence stretches between you after, filled only by the sound of your quiet breaths.
Jeongin swallows hard, still gripping his phone like itâs the only thing keeping him tethered to the moment. He shouldnât have done that. He knows it. But right now, he canât bring himself to regret it.
Finally, he exhales a small chuckle, shaking his head. âYouâre dangerous.â
You let out a breathy laugh. âAnd yet, you canât resist me.â
He rubs a hand over his face, a helpless smile tugging at his lips. âNo,â he admits. âI canât.â
The tension coils tighter inside him, his breathing uneven as he leans heavily against the desk. His grip on the phone trembles slightly, his fingers flexing against the smooth surface.
âJeongin,â you whimper, and he swears he can feel itâfeel youâeven though youâre miles away.
His jaw clenches, his movements turning almost desperate. âI wish I was there,â he admits, his voice thick with need. âI wish I could touch you myself.â
âMe too,â you whisper. âI need you.â
Thatâs all it takes.
His restraint snaps like a thread pulled too tight, and with a low, guttural sound, he comes undoneâhis mind drowning in thoughts of you, his body giving in to the pleasure you so easily draw from him.
For a moment, thereâs only the sound of your unsteady breaths and his own. Then, silence.
Jeongin swallows, forcing his breathing to steady. He runs a hand through his hair, his heart still hammering against his ribs. He shouldnât have done that. He knows it. But he doesnât regret a single second of it.
Finally, he clears his throat, bringing the phone back to his ear. âAre you okay?â
You let out a quiet, breathy laugh. âYeah. Are you?â
He exhales a small chuckle, rubbing a hand over his face. âI donât know.â
You hum, a warm, content sound. âI miss you.â
Jeongin closes his eyes, a small smile tugging at his lips despite everything.
âI miss you too.â
The moment the high fades, reality crashes back in like a tidal wave.
Jeongin blinks, chest still rising and falling, as his eyes dart to his deskâwhere heâs just made an absolute mess. His stomach twists in a mix of guilt and disbelief.
Here. In his office.
His hands move on instinct, grabbing tissues from the drawer, hurriedly wiping away any evidence of what just happened. His mind races as he works, as if cleaning the desk can somehow cleanse him of the sin lingering in his veins.
But itâs not just about the act itselfâitâs the way he felt during it. The way he surrendered so easily, the way he let your voice, your breathy moans, your whispered confessions unravel him entirely.
And worst of all? The way he still wants more.
His phone buzzes again.
Did you make a mess?
Jeongin swallows, discarding the last of the tissues before picking up his phone again. His fingers hover over the screen for a moment before he types back:
Yes and you're in big trouble.
Your reply comes almost instantly.
If I were there, I'd lick every drop off you.
A breath of laughter escapes himâsoft, barely there. He leans back against the desk, running a hand through his hair, and sighs.
If you were here, it all would have gone into your tight little cunt.
A second later, his phone buzzes with your response.
Yes, please.
-
Jeongin tells himself itâs just a matter of hours now. Less than a day until he sees you again. He only has to wait.
And yet, someone interrupting his focus as he helps set up the hall for tonightâs lecture, one hand carrying a stack of hymn books heâs arranging.
"Jeongin!"
He looks up and immediately recognizes the familiar figure approaching himâFather Hwang. A smile tugs at his lips as he steps forward. "Sam," he greets, using the name he's always called him by. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm the guest lecturer for tonight," Sam says with a grin, adjusting the strap of his satchel over his shoulder. "Figured Iâd get here early and catch up with you."
Jeongin nods, welcoming the distraction as they fall into step together.
âHow have you been?â Sam asks, glancing at him curiously. âStill writing?â
Jeongin lets out a small chuckle. âYeah. My latest book came out a few months ago.â
âI heard.â Sam smirks. âA detective novel, right?â
Jeongin nods. âItâs doing well, I think. I havenât really been keeping track.â
âWell, my sisterâs a fan. She told me I should ask you for an autograph while Iâm here.â
Jeongin laughs at that. âI didnât know she read my books.â
âOh, she does. She even said she has a theory about your next one,â Sam says, nudging him playfully. âShe thinks the main detective and the love interest are finally going to get together.â
Jeongin swallows, his smile faltering for a split second. Love interest. The word alone makes something in his chest tighten.
Sam notices the change in his expression. âYou okay?â
Jeongin forces a small smile. âYeah. Just tired.â
Sam hums, clearly unconvinced but doesnât push further. Instead, he changes the subject. âHowâs life here? The church? Everything going well?â
Jeongin nods, stuffing his hands into his pockets. âYeah. Everythingâs⌠normal.â
Sam raises an eyebrow at his choice of words. âNormal?â
Jeongin hesitates. âI guess.â
Sam studies him for a moment before shaking his head with a knowing smile. âYou know, I always admired how devoted you are to this life. Even when we were in seminary, you were so sure about your path. It was never a question for you.â
Jeongin opens his mouth to respond, but the words catch in his throat. Because for the first time in years, he isnât sure if thatâs still true.
Before he can dwell on the thought, his phone buzzes in his pocket. At first, he ignores it, keeping his attention on Sam. But then it vibrates again.
He hesitates, already knowing who it is before he even pulls out his phone.
A part of him feels guiltyâhe hasnât seen Sam in months, and cutting their conversation short would be rude. But at the same time⌠he wants to hear your voice. To talk to you, even if just for a few minutes.
Sam, perceptive as ever, glances at Jeonginâs phone and chuckles. âYou should get that.â
Jeongin looks up, startled. âIââ
Sam waves him off with an easy smile. âGo on. I need go get ready anyway.â
Jeongin hesitates for only a moment before nodding. âThanks, Sam. Iâll catch up with you later.â
He pulls out his phone, unlocking the screen with an ease that speaks to how often he checks his messages these days.
I'm here.
Two words. Thatâs all it takes to send his pulse into a frenzy.
Here?
Panic grips him before he can stop it. The church is busy tonightâpeople are arriving early, chatting, gathering in the halls. What if someone sees you? What if someone knows?
He presses the call button before his thoughts can spiral further. The moment you pick up, heâs already walking, leaving behind his task without a second thought.
âWhere are you?â His voice is hushed, urgent.
âIn the hallway,â you answer.
Jeongin doesnât hesitate. His feet move faster, shifting from a brisk walk to an outright run as he pushes past the heavy wooden doors and into the dimly lit hall. His breath catches the second he sees you.
Standing beneath the glow of flickering candles, you look almost unrealâsoft, waiting, your expression easing into a smile the moment your eyes meet his. Relief crosses your face, as if you had been holding your breath this whole time.
He doesnât stop to think. He reaches for you, his hands finding yours, gripping them tightly. âWhy are you here?â His voice is barely above a whisper, but the question carries weight.
You squeeze his hands, your fingers curling around his and a grin painted your face. âI just couldnât wait to see you again.â
His heart stumbles in his chest. He shouldnât feel this wayâshouldnât feel this kind of elation just from your words, just from the way you look at him like heâs someone youâve longed for.
But he does.
He shifts closer, his gaze dropping to your lips, readyâso readyâto taste you again. But just as he tilts his head, footsteps echo down the hall, followed by murmured voices.
His stomach lurches.
Without thinking, he grabs your wrist and pulls you toward the church doors. You donât resist, letting him lead you past the altar and toward the confessionals at the back. He tugs open the wooden door of one of the booths, glancing around quickly before whispering, âGet inside.â
You donât ask why. You just obey, slipping into the tight space, the scent of aged wood and candle wax surrounding you.
Jeongin follows a second later, shutting the door behind him. The moment the latch clicks into place, his restraint crumbles. His hands cup your face. His lips find yours.
The kiss is urgent, recklessânothing like the gentle press he gave you last night on the stairs. This is raw, a collision of breath and need, the kind of kiss that speaks of stolen moments and unspoken desires.
You sigh against him, melting into his touch, and Jeongin thinksâGod forgive me, I donât want to stop.
-
The confessional is small, barely enough space for two people, but in this moment, Jeongin uses that to his advantage. Your back is pressed against the wooden wall, breath uneven, lips swollen from his kiss. His hands tremble where they rest on your waist, the weight of what heâs about to do pressing down on him, but itâs nothing compared to the fire burning in his veins.
"You really couldnât wait, could you?" His voice is low, just above a whisper, yet it carries the sharp edge of control. "Had to come find me here, of all places?"
You shake your head, but your body betrays you, pressing closer as if drawn by something stronger than logic.
Jeongin exhales, his hand trailing lower, fingertips teasing the hem of your skirt. He knows he shouldnât. He knows where you are, knows the kind of sin heâs inviting.
And yetâ
His fingers slip beneath the fabric, his hand easily finds the heat pooling between your legs and the sharp breath you take in nearly makes him curse. Youâre warm, soft, and so wet, so... ready for him. The realization sends a shudder through him.
"Bad girl," he breathes against your ear. "So desperate you made me do this here."
You whimper, a sound too loud for a place like this. He doesnât even thinkâhis free hand is on you instantly, fingers slipping between your lips, pressing down against your tongue to stifle your noises.
"Shh," he warns, dark amusement lacing his voice. "Or do you want someone to hear how filthy you are right now?"
Your breath hitches. He smirks.
His fingers move deeper, slow and deliberate, feeling the way your body reacts to him, the way you tense and then soften, surrendering to his touch. He leans in closer, lips brushing the shell of your ear.
"Youâd like that, wouldnât you?" His voice is barely audible, a ghost of a sound against your skin. "Want someone to walk in and see what Iâm doing to you? See how you let me ruin you in the house of God?"
Jeongin works on your clit in earnest now, circling it hard and fast, loving the way youâre thrusting against his hand.
You whimper around his fingers, your body trembling as you struggle to keep quiet. The thought alone makes heat coil low in his stomach, his own restraint hanging by a thread.
"I could do this all day."
But Jeongin isn't ready to let go just yet.
Not when youâre this vulnerable beneath him. Not when youâre this beautiful in your surrender.
The tension inside you snaps, waves of pleasure rolling through you under his relentless touch. He feels itâthe way you shudder, the way your fingers clutch desperately at his wrist as if to anchor yourself. He doesnât stop, not yet, not until heâs sure heâs wrung every last bit of pleasure from you.
When you finally go limp against him, he exhales a shaky breath, wrapping an arm around you to hold you up. His lips find your temple, then your cheek, soft kisses pressing into your skin as you come down from your high.
âYou did so well,â he murmurs, his voice thick with something unspoken. His fingersânow wet with your releaseâtrail up to your hip, lingering there before he finally pulls away.
You sigh, eyes fluttering open to meet his. Thereâs warmth there, something tender despite everything that just transpired between these walls.
Jeongin swallows, brushing his thumb over your bottom lip. âIâll see you tomorrow,â he tells you, voice softer now. âUntil thenâŚâ He smirks faintly, tilting your chin up. âBe a good girl and go home.â
You nod, though your fingers curl slightly in the fabric of his sleeve, reluctant to step away. âI canât wait for tomorrow.â
The words are barely out of your mouth before heâs kissing you againâslow, deep, as if heâs memorizing the shape of your lips against his. He lingers, drinking you in, letting himself have this moment before he has to let you go.
Eventually, he does.
With one last look, you slip out of the confessional, smoothing down your skirt, composing yourself. Jeongin stays behind, leaning against the wooden wall as he listens to the soft echo of your footsteps fading into the church hall.
As Jeongin takes his seat at the front of the lecture hall, he clasps his hands together, willing himself to focus. But thenâhe smells it. The faint, intoxicating scent of you lingers on his fingers, a ghost of what just happened in the confessional booth. He flexes his hand, bringing it closer to his lap, but itâs no use. The memory of you is branded onto his skin.
And then, thereâs the smudge of color on his other fingersâa trace of your lipstick. Itâs subtle, just a faint stain, but itâs enough to make his stomach tighten.
He should feel guilty. He should be ashamed. Instead, all he can think about is tomorrow.
-
Jeongin shifts the plastic bag in his grip, glancing at the number on your apartment door. His heart pounds in his chest, a steady, nervous rhythm that refuses to slow down. This shouldnât be a big deal. Heâs just bringing dinner. Just spending time with you. But something about standing here, outside of a place that is yours, away from the church, away from everything that defines him as Father Yang, unsettles him.
He raises a hand and knocks. The sound is firm but betrays the slight tremble in his fingers.
It only takes a moment before the door swings open, and thenâthere you are.
Youâre smiling, bright and warm, like youâve been waiting for him all day. And before he can say anything, you slip into him, wrapping your arms around his waist in a hug so natural, so easy, that his entire body relaxes before his mind can catch up. Your lips brush against his cheek, soft and fleeting, but it leaves warmth spreading across his skin.
âIâve been waiting for you,â you say softly, looking up at him.
And just like that, the tension in his chest vanishes. He forgets about the nerves, forgets about the careful restraint he had tried to build on his way here. It's just you. Just him. Just this moment.
His hand comes up to your face, his thumb brushing against your cheek as he tilts his head down. He doesnât thinkâhe just moves, closing the space between you and pressing his lips against yours in a soft, unhurried kiss.
And somehow, this feels right. Natural. Like heâs done this beforeâcoming home to you, being welcomed into your warmth.
You stay like that for a moment, lips barely apart, breathing in each otherâs air, until you pull away with a gentle tug on his wrist.
âCome in,â you say, still smiling.
The food is simple but warm, filling the space between you with something comforting. Jeongin hadnât realized how much he needed thisâan ordinary meal, shared with someone who looks at him like heâs more than just Father Yang, more than just a priest trying to keep himself together.
After dinner, you stand and pick up the wine bottle, pouring him a glass with a teasing smile. âItâs not communion wine, but I hope you like it.â
Jeongin huffs a quiet laugh, shaking his head as he takes the glass. He follows you to the sofa, sitting beside you, still holding the wine as if unsure what to do with it.
âYou look like you need it,â you add, tilting your head. âYouâre so tense.â
Jeongin exhales through his nose, amused. He lifts the glass and takes a small sip, the rich taste spreading over his tongue. When he lowers the glass, he catches you watching him, your gaze steady and warm.
You reach out, your fingers brushing against his arm as you speak softly, âWe donât have to do anything. I just want to be with you. Get to know you better.â
Something in Jeongin eases at that. The tight coil of uncertainty unwinds, and he nods, taking another sip of his wine before glancing at you. âWhat do you want to know?â
At that, your eyes light up, and you shift closer, resting your elbow on the back of the sofa as you begin.
âWhatâs your coffee order?â
He blinks at the unexpected question, then chuckles. âIce Americano. Extra shot.â
You hum thoughtfully, nodding. âWhatâs your favorite movie?â
âUhâŚâ Jeongin tilts his head, pretending to think. âDo I lose points if I say I donât watch many movies?â
You gasp dramatically. âUnbelievable. We have to fix that.â
Jeongin laughs, fully relaxing into the cushions. The questions continueâhis favorite color, his favorite season, if he has any siblings. With each answer, he feels more like himselfâJeongin, not just Father Yang. The more you learn about him, the more real he becomes, and for the first time in a long time, he doesnât feel trapped in his own skin.
And then, he notices the way your eyelids grow heavy, the way your fingers curl loosely around the fabric of his sleeve as you fight off sleep. He watches you for a moment, the way your breathing slows, and then he brushes the hair away from your face as he murmurs, âItâs time for you to go to bed.â
You blink up at him sleepily, then reach for his hand, holding it gently between your fingers. âWill you stay?â Your voice is soft, hesitant. âJust until I fall asleep?â
Jeongin swallows, his heart skipping. He shouldnât. He knows he shouldnât. But the way you look at him, the quiet plea in your voiceâit weakens him.
He nods. âOkay.â
You smile at that, tugging him toward the bed. Soon, heâs lying beside you, the two of you facing each other in the dim glow of your bedside lamp. The warmth of your body seeps into his, and heâs surrounded by the scent of youâclinging to the sheets, to the pillow, to the very air he breathes. Itâs intoxicating, and yet, it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
His arm is wrapped around you, holding you close as your head rests against his chest. He feels the steady rise and fall of your breaths. So quiet, peaceful, serene.
Then, in the quiet, you speak.
"You might think I donât have to worry about anything because I have money," you whisper, voice barely above a breath. "But thatâs not true. Iâm scared. I feel so alone."
Jeonginâs heart clenches at your words. He tightens his hold on you, his fingers tracing slow, soothing circles against your back. He understands. God, does he understand.
"I know what thatâs like," he murmurs, his voice raw with something he rarely speaks of. "When I was struggling with my drinking⌠people turned their backs on me too. I had to deal with it alone, with no one to help me climb out of it."
You shift slightly, looking up at him with soft, searching eyes. "How did you do it?"
Jeongin exhales, his grip on you tightening like heâs afraid youâll slip away. "I just kept going. I clung to the belief that I could be better. That I could be more than my mistakes." He pauses. "But it was lonely. So lonely."
You reach up, your fingers grazing his cheek, grounding him in the present. "Youâre not alone anymore."
His chest aches at your words, at the quiet sincerity in your voice.
"And neither are you," he whispers.
He tilts your chin up gently and presses a soft kiss to your lipsânot out of desire, but out of understanding, of shared pain and quiet comfort. Then, he pulls you even closer, pressing his lips to the top of your head.
And in the dark, as he whispers quiet prayers against your skin, Jeongin feels itâthis thing between you, slowly consuming him, pulling him under. Love.
And for once, he isnât afraid of it.
-
The church is silent except for the flickering of candles and the distant creak of old wooden pews. Jeongin kneels before the altar, hands clasped together, eyes closed. The scent of burning wax fills his lungs as he exhales a breath that feels heavier than usual.
"Is this what You want from me?"
His whispered prayer disappears into the vast, hollow space of the church. He has never questioned his path beforeânot once since he took his vows. But now, every moment with you tugs at the very fabric of his being, unraveling convictions he once thought were unshakable.
You are not a temptation; you are warmth. Peace. Love. And yet, desire coils inside him like something heâs afraid to name.
"If I love her, does that mean I am failing You?"
Silence answers him, as it always does. He wishes for clarity, a sign, something to confirm whether this love is a blessing or a mistake. But all he has is the weight of it, pressing against his ribs like a second heartbeat.
The vibration of his phone in his pocket jolts him out of his thoughts. He blinks, the golden glow of the altar candles sharpening into focus as he pulls out his phone.
Itâs a text from you.
What should I do? My mother wants to meet me tomorrow.
He can feel the nerves in that short message, the anxiety woven between each letter. He knows how much this weighs on you, how every interaction with your parents leaves unseen bruises on your heart.
His fingers hover over the keyboard for a moment before he types out his response.
Come to the church tonight.
He presses send. He will see you soon. And maybe, just maybe, being with you will quiet the storm inside himâif only for a little while.
The church is empty when Jeongin steps inside, the quiet humming around him like a sacred lullaby. But before he gets to you, he stops by his office, reaching into his desk drawer to retrieve somethingâhis fingers brushing over cool beads before he carefully slips them into his pocket.
When he pushes through the wooden doors, his breath catches at the sight before him.
Youâre not sitting in the pews, nor waiting by the entrance. Youâre standing in front of the altar, bathed in the soft glow of flickering candlelight. Your head is tilted upward, eyes fixed on the crucifix, and in this moment, Jeongin swears you are in a state of divinityâhere, now, standing in the presence of God.
He doesnât feel like an intruder as he steps closer. If anything, it feels like he belongs in this moment too.
Slowly, he walks up behind you, his movements careful, reverent. And when he reaches you, he doesnât stop. He lets his chest meet your back, his arms slip around your waist, his head rest beside yours.
You donât flinch, donât pull away. Instead, you lean into him. And then, in a hushed voice, you ask, âDo you feel it?â
Jeonginâs eyes flick to the crucifix before closing for a brief second. âYes.â
Your voice is a whisper now. âIs this how you always feel when you pray?â
His lips curve into a small smile. âNot always but sometimes.â
And then, silence. Not the kind that feels empty, but the kind that feels fullâof something holy, something sacred. The two of you just stay like that, breathing in the stillness, existing in the same presence. As if God Himself is here, witnessing this moment, embracing both of you as His children.
After a while, Jeongin turns his head slightly, and you do the same. Your gazes lock, an unspoken understanding passing between you. And then, as if guided by something beyond himself, Jeongin leans in.
The kiss is soft, slowâgentle in a way that doesnât feel like it violates the sanctity of this place, but instead, becomes a part of it. Like this, too, is a prayer.
When he pulls away, he lingers, his forehead nearly touching yours. A breath, a heartbeat. Then, he slowly steps back, standing in front of you.
âI have something for you,â he says.
Curiosity sparks in your eyes. You watch as he reaches into his pocket, fingers closing around something before he carefully pulls it out. A rosary.
Taking your hand, he wraps the beads around your fingers, binding them there before enclosing your hand in both of his.
You stare at it, wonder and awe flickering in your expression. âItâs beautiful.â
Jeongin smiles softly. âThis was the first rosary I received when I decided to become a priest.â His voice lowers, turning earnest. âAnd I want you to have it.â
Your smile falters slightly, hesitation flickering in your eyes. âAre you sure? Is it really okay for me to take it?â
Jeongin doesnât waver. He nods, his grip on your hand firm, warm. âI want you to have it.â A pause. âWhenever you get the urge to hurt yourself, I hope youâll hold this rosary instead.â
Your breath hitches. And then, something shifts in your expressionâa different kind of smile forming on your lips. Sad, yet thankful. A quiet acceptance.
Jeongin gently squeezes your hand. âPromise me youâll always keep it with you.â
You nod, voice barely above a whisper. âI will. Iâll keep it close at all times.â
Relief washes over him. A sense of peace settles in his chest. With his hand still wrapped around yours, the rosary binding you together, he leans in once moreâthis time, pressing a chaste kiss against your lips.
A kiss that seals this sacred moment.
-
The next night, Jeongin finds himself standing in front of your door once again.
Unlike the previous night, there's no hesitation when he lifts his hand to knock. Maybe it's because he spent the entire day thinking about you, picturing the way you smiled when he gave you the rosary, the way your fingers curled around it like something precious. Maybe it's because the moment he finished evening mass, he felt a pullâone that led him straight to you.
The door opens, and there you are, standing before him.
Your eyes light up the second you see him, and without hesitation, you step forward, wrapping your arms around his waist, pressing yourself against him in a hug that feels warm, familiar.
"You came," you murmur against his shoulder.
Jeongin exhales, his arms coming up to hold you just as tightly. "Of course."
For a while, neither of you moves. You stay there, wrapped up in each other, as if this is the only place either of you is supposed to be. And maybe, in some way, it is.
Eventually, you pull back just enough to look at him. Your smile is soft, full of something unspoken. "Come in."
Jeongin follows you inside, shutting the door behind him. The air in your apartment is warm, scented faintly with something floralâsomething distinctly you. He catches sight of the rosary on your coffee table, neatly placed as if itâs waiting for you to pick it up at any moment.
Something settles in him at the sight.
You glance over your shoulder. "I made tea," you say, leading him toward the living room. "I wasnât sure if youâd be hungry, but I have some food too."
Jeongin shakes his head, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Tea sounds perfect."
You pour him a cup before settling onto the couch beside him, close enough that your knee brushes against his. For a while, you both sit in comfortable silence, sipping tea, letting the presence of each other be enough.
Then, quietly, you say, "Thank you for last night."
Jeongin looks at you. "You donât have to thank me."
You smile, but thereâs something deeper in your expressionâsomething vulnerable. You lift your wrist, letting the rosary dangle between your fingers. "Iâve been holding it. Just like you told me to."
Warmth spreads through Jeonginâs chest.
He reaches over, gently brushing his fingers against yours, against the beads. "Iâm glad," he murmurs.
Not that he doesnât trust you but Jeongin feels the need to check on it himself. He leans back against the couch, his gaze steady as he studies you. Then, softly, he says, "Come here."
You blink at him, uncertain. "Here?"
He nods, patting his lap. "I want to make sure you held in like you said."
A flicker of hesitation crosses your face, but eventually, you move, shifting carefully until you're perched sideways on his lap. His arm wraps around your waist, keeping you steady, his other hand resting gently on your thigh.
He looks at you for a long moment before his fingers move, reaching for the hem of your dress. Slowly, deliberately, he lifts it just enough to reveal your thigh, his eyes scanning for any fresh marks. When he finds none, he exhales, something softening in his expression.
"You really didn't," he murmurs, as if he can't quite believe it.
You meet his gaze, nodding. "I promised, didn't I?"
A slow smile spreads across his lipsâpride, warmth, something deeper flickering in his eyes. His hand moves up, brushing your hair back, his touch lingering at the nape of your neck. "You did so well," he says, his voice low, affectionate. "I'm proud of you."
Before you can respond, he leans in, pressing a lingering kiss to your lips. His mouth is warm, gentle but firm, like he's savoring the taste of you. When he pulls away, his lips graze your cheek, his breath fanning against your skin.
"Good girl," he whispers.
Heat pools in your stomach at the way he says it, his voice filled with quiet reverence, with something possessive and sweet all at once.
Then he dips his head, his lips brushing against the shell of your ear. His voice is barely more than a murmur, but it sends a shiver down your spine.
His fingers trace slow, idle circles on your thigh, featherlight and teasing, his touch both soothing and electrifying. Then, he asks, "And do you know what happens to good girls?"
A bashful smile tugs at your lips as you glance at him. "What?"
Jeongin smirks, his fingers tracing slow, teasing circles against your thigh. "Good girls get rewarded."
His eyes glint with something mischievous as he watches your reaction, and you feel your breath hitch, anticipation curling in your stomach.
âYou did so well,â he murmurs, his lips brushing your temple. âKeeping your promise⌠being such a good girl for me.â
His praise makes you melt, makes you pliant in his arms, and he feels itâthe way your body leans into him, the way your breathing hitches ever so slightly.
His hand drifts higher, slipping beneath the hem of your dress, fingertips skimming over your skin, testing. He hums when he feels the heat of you, the way your thighs press together instinctively.
âYou donât even realize, do you?â he muses, his voice like velvet against your ear. âHow easy it is for me to tell when you need me.â
His fingers tease at the edge of your underwear, a featherlight touch that makes you shiver. Your breath stutters, and he smiles against your skin.
âSay it,â he coaxes, his voice both gentle and commanding. âTell me what you need.â
Your answer comes out in a whisper, barely there, but itâs enough. âPlease. I want to come,â
Itâs all he needs before his fingers push aside the last barrier, dipping into warmth, finding you already soft and wet, ready for him.
A pleased hum rumbles in his chest. âOf course,â he murmurs. âAlways so good for me.â
He doesn't need to look to know how to please you. His fingers part your folds, allowing him to touch your bundle of nerves, applying gentle pressures on it as he rubs on it.
His touch is slow, deliberate, savoring the way you reactâhow your fingers clutch at his shirt, how your body trembles in his hold. He keeps you close, his other hand firm on your waist, steadying you as he works you open, coaxing pleasure from you with careful precision.
His mouth on your neck, placing hot, wet kisses on the sensitive spot on your neck, teeth faintly scraping the skin just to edge you. He watches you, drinking in every little sound, every flutter of your lashes, every way you shift against him. His lips graze your ear again, his voice thick with something indulgent, something dangerous.
âJust like that,â he praises. âLet me take care of you. Let me make you feel good.â
And he does. With how drenched you are, he can easily slips his two fingers inside you, pumping them in and out of you. He moves with patience, with reverence, as if heâs unraveling something sacred, something only meant for him. As if this momentâjust the two of you tangled together, bodies pressed close, his name slipping past your lips in a breathless whisperâis all that has ever mattered.
You make a tiny cry that is muffled by his kiss, squirming under his touch for a long minute before finally come down, sagging against him. He keeps his hand there, tenderly palming you for a minute or two longer, loving the way it
look drenched in your essence, loving the way it feels, and then reluctantly withdraw.
Jeongin watches you, eyes dark with something unreadable yet intoxicating. His fingers, still coated in the evidence of your pleasure, hover just before your lips. He doesnât have to say a wordâyour lips part instinctively, your tongue flicking out, tasting yourself as you take him in.
His breath catches. His free hand tightens on your waist.
âSuch a good girl,â he murmurs, his voice rich with satisfaction. âAlways so eager for me.â
You swirl your tongue around his fingers, sucking lightly, and Jeongin groans low in his throat. His thumb brushes over your cheek, a tender contrast to the heat pooling between the two of you. When he finally pulls his fingers away, he presses a sweet, lingering kiss to your forehead, grounding you, letting you settle in the aftermath.
But then, softly, he asks, âWhat else do you want, mmh?â
You donât answer right away, just blink up at him, lips still slightly parted, your breath uneven. âMore.â
Thereâs a pauseâa moment suspended in the space between you. Then, without a word, your hand drifts downward, slow and deliberate, until your fingers press against the growing strain in his jeans.
Jeonginâs breath stutters. His grip on your waist tightens.
âMore what?â he asks, teasing, his voice huskier now, laced with something heady.
You still donât answer, just press your palm a little firmer, feeling him twitch beneath the fabric.
Jeongin exhales sharply through his nose, tilting his head slightly, watching you with something dangerously close to reverence. He hums, almost amused, almost resigned.
âGreedy,â he murmurs, the word dripping with fondness. Then, his lips ghost over your jaw, just barely touching. âBut I suppose my good girl deserves it, doesnât she?â
Jeongin shifts beneath you, his strong arms guiding you gently as he lays you down against the cushions. The leather is cool against your heated skin, but all you can focus on is himâthe weight of his body as he hovers over you, the warmth of his breath fanning across your lips before he captures you in another slow, intoxicating kiss.
His hands roam your sides, mapping every curve, every dip, before he pulls away just enough to tug his sweater over his head. The dim lighting casts shadows over his toned torso, the sharp ridges of his muscles shifting as he moves. Instead of pulling you back into a kiss, he takes your hands in his and presses them against his bare skin.
âGo on,â he murmurs, watching you with half-lidded eyes. âTouch me.â
You doâfingertips tracing the firm lines of his abdomen, feeling the way his muscles tense beneath your touch. Your breath catches, and when you meet his gaze, he smirks, clearly pleased by your reaction.
âDo you like that?â he asks, his voice dipping lower.
You nod, swallowing hard.
He rewards you with another kiss, deeper this time, before he begins a slow descent down your body. His lips brush over your collarbone, then lower, each kiss leaving a trail of warmth in its wake. His hands slip beneath your dress, pushing the fabric up inch by inch, exposing more of your skin to him. The anticipation coils in your stomach as he moves lower, closer. He gently bites your inner thigh and earned him a sharp gasp from you, then he stops.
You whimper in protest, earning a quiet chuckle from him. He tilts his head, teasing. âWouldnât this feel better in bed?â
Before you can argue, he presses a firm hand to your waist, keeping you in place as he effortlessly scoops you up in his arms. Your legs instinctively wrap around him as he carries you, the strength in his hold undeniable. He walks with purpose, each step deliberate, and when he reaches your bedroom, he gently sets you down on the mattress, hovering over you once again.
He smirks, brushing his thumb over your swollen lips. âNow,â he murmurs, eyes dark with intent. âWhere were we?â
-
The air between you crackles with tension, thick and charged, as Jeongin hovers behind you. Both of you are naked, he's standing at the end of the bed while you're on the bed, on all fours.
His big hand glides over the curve of your ass before squeezes on the flesh, his thumb hovers over your entrance, slippery wet, ready to take him.
âBe a good girl and hold still,â he instructs, his voice is heavy with want.
His hands ghost over your hips, firm yet patient, waiting for you to obey him. But you donât. Instead, you push back just slightly, teasing, challengingâjust enough to test his patience.
âYouâre doing this on purpose,â he murmurs, voice dark with amusement.
You hum in response, feigning innocence, but he sees right through it. A slow smirk tugs at his lips as his fingers tighten on your hips, holding you still as he aims his cock toward your entrance. Then, without warning, he drags you back toward him, your breath catching as his warmth presses flush against you.
âYou really want to be difficult tonight?â he muses, leaning in until his lips are right by your ear. âFine. Letâs see how long you can last.â
The next moment, he begins thrusting, slow and deliberate, driving you to the edge with every controlled motion. You bite your lip, refusing to give in so easily, but he noticesâof course he does. He always does.
âYouâre holding back,â he taunts, his hand sliding up your spine, pressing between your shoulder blades until your chest meets the mattress. âThatâs cute.â
Then he pulls away and you mewl at the suddenloss of contact. Then he slips it into you again, all at once and proceeds to thrust into you, hard. A choked sound escapes you before you can stop it, and he chuckles, low and pleased.
âThere it is,â he murmurs.
You try to push up again, just to regain some control, but his hand presses firmly against your lower back, keeping you in place.
âNot so fast,â he says. âYou wanted to be a brat, didnât you?â His fingers trail down, teasing, punishing in the slowest way possible. âNow take it like one.â
The fight within you starts to crumble, your body betraying you, giving in to him. He feels itâthe way youâre starting to submit, your stubborn defiance slipping away with every passing second.
âThatâs a good girl,â he praises, his voice dripping with satisfaction. âNow, letâs see if you can behave.â
And with that, he makes sure you do.
Jeongin doesn't ease upânot yet. He keeps you exactly where he wants you, every slow, controlled movement drawing out the pleasure until youâre trembling beneath him. His hand slides up your arm, over your shoulder, then tangles into your hair, giving a gentle but firm tug that sends a shiver down your spine.
âYou still with me?â he asks, his voice teasing, laced with dominance.
You nod breathlessly, but thatâs not enough for him. His fingers tighten just slightly in your hair, tilting your head back so your cheek is almost against his lips.
âUse your words,â he commands softly.
âYes,â you whisper, your voice shaky but obedient.
A pleased hum rumbles in his chest as he presses an open-mouthed kiss against the side of your neck. âThatâs my girl.â
Your hands grip the sheets beneath you, knuckles going pale as he keeps pushing you further, his pace calculated, his touch relentless. Every time you try to regain control, he meets your rebellion with something strongerâsomething that pulls you right back under him.
âYou thought you could win, huh?â His voice is a slow drag, intoxicating. âBut look at you nowâŚâ His hand slides over your hip, his fingers curling, grippingâowning. âCompletely at my mercy.â
You let out a broken sound, and Jeongin chuckles, low and satisfied.
âAre you done fighting me now?â he asks.
You hesitate for half a second, the last trace of defiance flickering in your eyes as you look over your shoulder at him. And then he moves just right, tipping you over that fine line between resistance and surrender, and the fight in you shatters.
Your answer comes in the form of a whimper, your body melting under his touch. Thatâs all he needs. He leans down, his lips brushing against your ear as he whispers, âGood girl.â
And this time, you donât push back. You let him have you, completely.
Three more of his hard, deep thrusts into you and you come undone before him, your body collapsing onto the bed. He can feel his release is close as well, he leans down, his mouth hovering close to your ear as he asks, âWhere do you want it, mmh?â
You're clearly too disoriented to respond so he buries his head in your neck and places a slobbering kisses there. âShould I come all over your back and claiming you as mine, mmh?â
You turn your head slightly to the side and nod. He smirks at that, his hips keeping the pace going as he grips yours, taking himself to his high almost immediately.
Jeongin pulls out just in time, his seed spurting out and painting pearly white streaks on your back. He slips it back in, wanting to feel you pulsating, quivering around him as you both come down from your highs.
He looks down at his claim on you and smiles in pride. âYou're all mine now,â he sighs, before lowering himself on you and roughly kisses your open mouth, âAll mine.â
-
Jeongin hums as he wipes a warm cloth across your back, his touch now gentle, a stark contrast to the way heâd handled you earlier. His other hand strokes soothing circles on your arm as he takes care of the mess he left on your skin. Once satisfied, he sets the cloth aside and climbs back into bed beside you, immediately wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close.
His lips find your forehead first, then your temple, then your cheekâsweet, lingering kisses that make your heart swell. His fingers brush your hair away from your face, tucking the strands behind your ear before his lips meet yours in a slow, affectionate kiss.
You sigh into him, utterly content, and then, out of nowhere, you ask, âWhatâs your favorite ice cream flavor?â
Jeongin pulls back slightly, blinking in amusement. A small chuckle escapes him. âThatâs the first thing you want to ask me right now?â
You nod, watching him expectantly.
He huffs a laugh, shaking his head before answering. âVanilla.â
âVanilla?â You raise an eyebrow, as if unimpressed.
He grins. âItâs a classic. You can never go wrong with it.â
You hum in thought before moving on to your next question. âOkay, favorite book?â
âThatâs tough,â Jeongin admits, running his fingers absentmindedly over the curve of your shoulder. âBut I think it would have to be The Little Prince.â
Your expression softens. âThatâs a good one.â
He nods, smiling. âIt is.â
Your next question makes him pause. âHow many languages can you speak?â
Jeongin tilts his head, thinking for a moment. âKorean, English, a little bit of French... and Latin.â
That catches your interest. âLatin?â
He smirks at your intrigue. âYeah.â
âSay something in Latin,â you request, eyes glimmering with curiosity.
He chuckles and takes a second to think. Instead of a single word, he decides to share one of his favorite proverbs. âUbi amor, ibi fides.â
You blink, waiting for him to translate. âAnd that meansâŚ?â
âWhere thereâs love, thereâs faith,â he explains softly.
You let the words settle between you, their weight sinking in.
Jeongin continues, his voice calm, thoughtful. âLove originates from God, which means when we love, we reflect God himself. Love and faith go hand in hand.â
You watch him, admiration clear in your eyes, and Jeongin canât help but smile. He brushes his lips against your forehead, murmuring, âYouâre proof of that for me.â
A warm silence fills the room, and Jeongin just holds you, savoring the quiet intimacy of the moment.
Jeongin keeps his gaze on you, his fingers tracing slow, absentminded patterns along your arm as he lets the weight of his own words settle between you.
"Ubi amor, ibi fides," he repeats, this time softer, like he's tasting the meaning all over again. âFaith isnât just about believing in something unseenâitâs about trust. About surrendering to something bigger than yourself. And love⌠love is the same.â
You stay quiet, listening, the warmth in your eyes urging him to continue.
âWhen you love someone, you place your trust in them. You put faith in themâfaith that they wonât hurt you, that theyâll cherish you, that theyâll choose you just as you choose them. Love and faith, they arenât separate. They exist together.â
A beat of silence passes, and then, you smile. Itâs small, gentle, but it holds so muchâunderstanding, appreciation, something deeper that makes Jeonginâs chest ache in the best way.
âThatâs beautiful,â you whisper, voice barely above a breath.
Jeonginâs lips quirk up, his heart warming at the way you look at him. He leans in, pressing a kiss to your forehead, then to the tip of your nose, and finally, to your lipsâslow and tender, like a silent prayer.
Ubi amor, ibi fides. Thatâs why, to him, loving you doesnât feel like he's turning away from God. It feels like he's turning toward Him.
-
Jeongin hadnât expected to see Sam so early in the morning, much less kneeling at the altar, his hands clasped together in deep prayer. The solemnity of the scene makes Jeongin hesitate for a moment before he quietly takes a seat in the pew behind him, deciding to wait. The church is silent aside from the occasional flicker of candlelight and the distant creak of wood as the old building settles.
When Sam finally finishes, he makes the sign of the cross and pushes himself up, turning toward Jeongin with a calm but knowing expression. He slides into the pew beside him, settling in with a sigh before speaking.
"Do you have something to confess to me, Jeongin?"
Jeongin blinks, caught off guard. "Confess?"
Sam tilts his head slightly, studying him. "I saw you."
Jeonginâs breath catches. His heartbeat stumbles before picking up pace, his mind racing to decipher Samâs meaning.
"Saw me�" he echoes, feigning ignorance.
But Sam only offers him a small, almost amused smile. "That night. Inside the church." He turns his head slightly, watching Jeongin's reaction. "I saw you kissing her."
Jeonginâs stomach drops. The memory of that night floods backâthe hush of the church, the warmth of your body pressed against his, the way your lips felt against his in the dim candlelight. He had been careful, or so he thought. But Sam had seen.
Jeongin swallows, his fingers curling slightly against his knees. "...How much did you see?"
"Enough." Sam exhales, leaning back against the pew. "Enough to know that it wasnât just some passing moment of weakness." He turns his gaze forward, eyes fixed on the altar as if waiting for some divine intervention. "Itâs more than that, isnât it?"
Jeongin doesnât answer immediately. He looks down, staring at his hands as if the answer could be found in the lines of his palms. He could deny it. He could try to brush it off as a mistake, a lapse in judgment.
But he knows that would be a lie.
So instead, he closes his eyes briefly, exhales, and admits the truth. âYes.â
Jeongin keeps his gaze lowered as he exhales slowly. "Yes," he repeats, quieter this time. "Itâs more than that."
Sam doesnât react immediately. He simply hums, nodding slightly as if he already knew the answer. Then, after a pause, he says, "Are you here to confess, then?"
Jeongin finally looks up at him, his brow furrowed. "Would it matter?"
Sam tilts his head, a small, knowing smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Not really."
That catches Jeongin off guard. "What do you mean?"
Sam leans forward, resting his arms on the back of the pew in front of them. "I mean, thereâs no use in confessing if you donât intend to stop."
Jeonginâs mouth parts slightly, but no words come out. He suddenly feels exposed, as if Sam has reached straight into his soul and pulled out the conflict that heâs been trying so hard to ignore.
"Are you going to stop seeing her?" Sam asks, voice even.
Jeongin opens his mouth, but hesitation clings to his tongue. He should say yes. That would be the right thing to do. The expected thing. But the words wonât come.
Sam watches him carefully, his silence speaking louder than any confession. With a small sigh, he shakes his head. "Then thereâs no use in absolving you."
Jeongin tenses. "Samâ"
"Youâre not sorry, Jeongin. At least, not in the way confession requires you to be." Sam turns to look at him directly. "Youâre not asking for forgiveness. Youâre asking for permission."
Jeonginâs throat tightens. He wants to deny it. He wants to argue. But deep down, he knows Sam is right. Heâs not looking to be absolved. Heâs looking for reassurance. Validation. Someone to tell him that thisâyouâisnât a mistake.
Sam lets out a sigh, leaning back against the pew. âJeongin, Iâve known you for years. Youâre not the type to act on impulse. So tell me, is it something more?â
Jeongin lowers his gaze, his fingers curling together. âItâs more,â he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. âI tried to fight it, but I canât. Being with her⌠it doesnât feel like a sin. It feels right.â
Sam hums in thought before turning to look at Jeongin fully. âThen you have to ask yourself, what do you want?â
Jeongin remains silent, his mind tangled in conflicting emotions.
Sam sighs again but offers a reassuring smile. âI wonât tell anyone. Not yet. You need to figure this out on your own, without the weight of judgment hanging over you.â
Jeongin lifts his eyes, gratitude flickering in them. âThank you, Sam.â
âYou donât need to thank me,â Sam replies. âBut know thisâthereâs no shame in choosing love. The only shame is in living a life of regret.â
Jeongin feels the weight of those words settle deep in his chest. He nods, even though his decision isnât fully made yet. But one thing is certainâhe doesnât think any amount of penance could make him stop wanting you.
-
The church is quiet, save for the faint crackling of candles and Jeonginâs own restless breathing. He sits in the pew, his hands clasped together, fingers digging into each other as if grounding himself. Samâs words replay in his mindâThe only shame is in living a life of regret.
But what if choosing you meant turning his back on everything he had built? What if staying meant turning his back on you?
His chest tightens.
Jeongin exhales shakily and reaches for his phone. His fingers hover over your name before he finally presses the call button.
It barely rings twice before you pick up. âJeongin?â Your voice is soft, warm, familiar.
He shuts his eyes for a moment, hating what heâs about to say. âI⌠I canât see you for a while.â
Thereâs silence on your end. Then, âWhy?â
Jeongin clenches his jaw, his grip on the phone tightening. âI justââ His voice falters. He takes a breath, steadies himself. âI need time to think.â
Another pause. Then you ask, quieter this time, âThink about what?â
His heart aches at the way your voice trembles, but he forces himself to stay firm. âAbout us.â
The word hangs in the air, suffocating.
When you finally speak, thereâs hurt in your voice, but no anger. Just quiet understanding. âOkay.â
It makes his chest ache even more. He almost wishes you would be upset, would demand answersâbut instead, you accept it. Just like that.
âIâll wait,â you add after a moment.
Jeongin swallows the lump in his throat. He nods, even though you canât see him. âThank you.â
Then he hangs up, staring at the screen as if it holds the answers heâs looking for.
But it doesnât.
And for the first time in a long time, Jeongin feels completely lost.
He has always believed in God's plan. In His guidance, His timing. But for the first time, Jeongin feels completely lost.
His heart aches with the weight of his own decisionâto put space between you and him. To think. To figure out if he's making the right choice or if he's simply running away from the inevitable. The words he said to you over the phoneâ"I can't see you for a while."âecho in his head, and he wonders if they hurt you as much as they hurt him to say.
Jeongin exhales sharply, his fingers pressing into his forehead.
He misses you already.
Misses the way you look at him, the way your touch grounds him, the way you make him feel like more than just Father Yang. Like heâs Jeongin, a man with desires, fears, and a heart that longs for something more than a life bound by vows heâs no longer sure he can keep.
But what does that say about him?
What does that say about his faith?
His grip tightens. He feels selfish. Faith is supposed to be about surrender, about putting God above all else. But if love, true love, comes from Godâthen why does it feel like heâs betraying both?
A sharp breath leaves him as he forces himself to sit back against the pew.
Maybe space will give him clarity. Maybe distance will tell him if what he feels for you is temptation or something deeper, something worth changing his entire life for.
Or maybe...
Maybe heâs already made his choice, and heâs just too afraid to admit it.
-
The scent of burning wax and aged wood lingers in the air as Jeongin listens to the soft-spoken confessions of the parishioners before him. One by one, they enter the booth, voices hushed, burdened with sins that they seek to be absolved from.
A woman confesses to speaking harshly to her husband. A man admits to faltering in his faith. Another prays for forgiveness for the resentment he holds in his heart. Jeongin listens, guiding them with gentle words, offering penance and solace in the name of God.
Then silence.
He waits for the next person, expecting another familiar voice, another routine confession. But when the door creaks open and the last parishioner steps inside, his breath catches in his throat. He doesnât need to see your face to know itâs you.
The moment you settle in, the moment your quiet, trembling breath slips through the lattice screen, he feels it. A shift in the air, a tightening in his chestâsomething unspoken, yet undeniably there.
And then your voice comes, barely above a whisper.
The wooden divider separates you from him, but the air between you is thickâheavy with unspoken words, raw emotions, and the weight of everything left unresolved.
Jeongin sits on the other side, his fingers curled tightly around his rosary, knuckles white. He hadnât expected to hear your voice through the lattice screen tonight.
âForgive me, Father, for I have sinned.â Your voice is quiet, trembling, but laced with something deeperâpain, desperation. âItâs been⌠some time since my last confession.â
Jeongin swallows, his heart hammering in his chest. âWhat is it that burdens your heart?â His voice is steady, but his hands shake.
You exhale shakily. âI donât know if this is a sin, Father, but⌠I love someone.â
His breath catches.
âAnd I miss him,â you continue, your voice cracking slightly. âIâve been praying every night, asking God to bring him back to me. I kneel beside my bed, clasp my hands, and beg Him to let me have him again.â A bitter laugh escapes you. âBut nothing changes. Heâs still gone. And I donât know if that means God is telling me to move on⌠or if that means he never wanted to come back.â
Jeongin shuts his eyes, his grip on the rosary tightening as a deep ache spreads through his chest.
âI donât know what to do,â you whisper. âHow long am I supposed to wait? How long until the emptiness goes away?â You inhale shakily. âBecause the truth is⌠I feel more alone than before.â
Silence stretches between you.
Jeonginâs throat tightens, words clawing at him, begging to be spokenâbut he canât. He can only press his fingers to his lips, as if to hold back the confession that wants to spill out of him.
That he misses you too. That every night, he fights the urge to pick up his phone, to hear your voice, to run to you and never look back. That he doesnât know how to be whole without you anymore.
But he stays silent. Because if he speaks, if he admits what his heart already knows⌠heâs afraid heâll never be able to let you go.
You wait, but no answer comes.
And thatâs your answer.
You let out a small, broken sigh before whispering, âThank you for listening, Father.â
Then you rise, footsteps retreating, the door creaking as you step out of the booth.
Jeongin doesnât move. He just sits there, staring blankly at the wooden divider, feeling more lost than ever.
-
The next day, Jeongin commute for almost an hour to get to St. Augustine church, where Sam is assigned in. The church is quieter than he expected. Even as he steps inside, the echo of his own footsteps feels almost intrusive.
He makes his way toward the pews, taking a seat in the dim light of the sanctuary. The flickering candles cast long shadows, their glow barely reaching the vaulted ceilings. Jeongin folds his hands in his lap, staring ahead at the crucifix mounted above the altar.
He waits.
Through the silence, he hears faint murmurs from the other end of the church. Sam must still be finishing his Bible study. Jeongin doesn't mind. If anything, the stillness gives him a moment to steady himselfâto gather what little resolve he has left.
It isnât long before he hears footsteps approaching.
Sam doesnât say anything at first, only making his way to the pew beside Jeongin and settling in next to him. They sit there in silence, the weight of unspoken words thick in the air.
Then, finally, Sam exhales.
âYou didnât come here for confession,â he says, his voice calm yet knowing. âThat must mean youâve already made up your mind.â
Jeongin keeps his eyes ahead, staring at the altar, his fingers loosely intertwined in his lap. He hears the certainty in Samâs voice, the quiet understanding behind his words.
For a moment, he doesnât respond. Because Sam is right. He didnât come here to confess. He came because he already knows what he wantsâwhat he has to do.
Jeongin inhales slowly. âI thought it would be harder,â he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. âMaking the choice.â
Sam hums, tilting his head slightly as he studies him. âAnd yet, you look like itâs tearing you apart.â
Jeonginâs lips press together. Sam has always been able to see through him.
He exhales, his hands tightening slightly. âI love her,â he says at last, the words raw, unfiltered. The moment they leave his lips, a wave of something crashes over him. Relief, maybe. Or certainty. âAnd if love is supposed to reflect God, then why does it feel like Iâm betraying Him?â
Sam is quiet for a moment before he speaks again. âBecause you were taught to believe that loving someone this way is a betrayal.â
Jeongin swallows.
âDid you ever want to be a priest?â Sam asks, not unkindly. âOr did you just think you had to be one?â
Jeongin turns his head, meeting Samâs gaze for the first time. The older manâs expression is unreadable, but his eyes are steady, patient, waiting.
Jeongin wets his lips. âI wanted to serve God,â he says, and itâs the truth. âI still do.â
Sam nods. âThen serve Him.â
Jeongin blinks. âWhat?â
âYou said it yourself,â Sam says. âLove originates from God. Serving Him doesnât have to mean shutting yourself away from the world.â He pauses. âAnd it certainly doesnât mean shutting your heart away from someone He led you to.â
Jeongin breathes in sharply. His mind reels, but somewhere deep in his chest, something settles.
Sam clasps his hands together, leaning back slightly. âYouâve made your decision, Jeongin. You came here to say it out loud.â He tilts his head. âSo say it.â
Jeongin looks at him, then exhales.
âIâm leaving the priesthood.â
The words linger in the quiet air of the church, heavier than anything Jeongin has ever spoken before. But this time, for the first time, they donât feel like a loss. They feel like freedom.
-
Jeongin stands outside your apartment door, his heart pounding, his hands trembling slightly at his sides. This is it. The moment heâs been working toward, the choice heâs finally made. Thereâs no turning back nowânot that he would ever want to. He raises his hand and knocks.
Itâs barely a few seconds before the door swings open, as if you had been waiting for him all along.
And then he sees it. The rosary. Wrapped tightly around your fingers, clutched to your chest like a lifeline.
His breath catches.
Your eyes meet his, wide and shimmering, disbelief and relief crashing together in one overwhelming wave of emotion. Your lips part, but no words come out. Instead, tears spill over your cheeks, and before Jeongin can even think, you launch yourself forward, arms wrapping around him in a desperate, shaking embrace.
A choked sound leaves you, something between a sob and a breath of his name, muffled against his shoulder.
Jeongin closes his eyes and holds you tighter. âIâm here,â he murmurs, his voice steady, unwavering. âIâm here now.â
Your fingers dig into the fabric of his coat, like youâre afraid heâll slip away, like you need proof that heâs real.
He presses his lips to your hair, his grip firm, grounding. âYouâre not alone anymore,â he whispers. âYou have me.â He swallows, voice thick with emotion. âAlways.â
You sob again, but this time, itâs lighter, almost a breath of relief. You nod against his chest, your whole body trembling in his arms.
As Jeongin stands there, holding you in his arms, he realizes that this momentâthis fragile, breathtaking momentâis the answer heâs been searching for all along. The weight of uncertainty, of fear and hesitation, slowly unravels, replaced by something steadier, something undeniable.
Love.
Not just the kind heâs always known, the kind thatâs bound by duty and sacrifice, but the kind that feels like warmth after the cold, like light breaking through stained glass. The kind that isnât separate from faith but a part of it, interwoven in every whispered prayer, every unspoken longing.
He cups your jaws with both hands and tilts your head toward him, as he looks into your eyes, he knowsâthis is where heâs meant to be. Right here. Holding you. Loving you.
Then he kisses you, with every fiber of his being, committing himself into this love but at the same time, breaking away from the doubts and fears that shackles him.
You pull back just enough to look at him, your face streaked with tears, but your lips curve into a small, wobbly smile. He lifts a hand, gently brushing away the dampness on your cheeks with his thumb, his touch lingering, reverent.
âCome inside,â you whisper.
And Jeongin follows, stepping over the threshold not just into your home, but into a future heâs finally ready to embrace.
-
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