I'm fed up. Very fed up. Have been for a while, and for numerous reasons. I'm 30 and watching my life drift away into a sea of wasted time and dissatisfaction. I have friends, good ones, but mostly emotionally close and geographically distant, or local but I don't quite connect with them the way I would like (there are one or two exceptions to this). I have two degrees that have left me feeling unqualified for anything very much. I work a mindless job in a small, windowless room which is vaguely connected to the career I'd like to have but I'm learning nothing and have zero opportunity to advance in the right direction. This isn't helped by the fact that I'm not even sure what that direction is really, and what, specifically, I want to end up doing with my life. Be a photographer, yes, but what kind? Working where? And for who? As for my love life... well let's not talk about that, otherwise I'll start to cry.
I feel like a non-person. A tabula rasa, I just show people what I think they want from me, soaking up their interests and views, reflecting them back and contributing nothing of my own. The problem is I can't seem to get interested in anything on my own account. I can in a mild kind of way but not to the extent that I want to share things, or that they seem worth sharing. So I'm left with little to say. I'm also not particularly quick, am fairly awkward and usually stumble over my words when I do speak, so can't really rise to the conversation. Hell, I bore myself so I can't imagine what others must think.
Anyway, the point is, I guess, that I've reached a pretty low ebb and think I might finally be able to get off my arse and do something about all this. First and foremost is the job thing. It's Friday, I'm nearly done at work and I've written a list of things to get done this weekend. They include (but are not limited to) getting my portfolio sorted out and beginning the redesign of my website, plus some shooting and trying to come up with new ideas. The long-term plan is to throw myself into things, everything, not just sit around and let the world pass me. I AM going to become the person I want to be, someone who makes some kind of difference to the people around me and maybe, just maybe, does something worthwhile with my remaining time on this planet. It's not gonna be easy but it has to happen otherwise... well fuck it, I dunno.
Wow, wrighting this seems to have opened up a can of worms I wasn't quite prepared for. It's all gone a bit emo, so I thank you for your patience if you stuck with me thus far. As a reward here's a completely unrelated picture of the cutest thing I ever saw in the whole of today.
titsay
vaporwave
amandla
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
