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Not today Justin
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$LAYYYTER
EXPECTATIONS
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@joelsleftknee
the earth from a distance (see how it shines)
MASTERLIST
This series is a WIP! And it was born from my endless frustration with struggling to find Joel angst lol.
Hoping to get Part 2 out ASAP. Thank you for reading!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3: In progress! :)
We are so fucked up that Joel Miller is a good father figure.
surprising jackson!joel with the first hot bath he’s had in years after a long ass day on patrol, washing his beautiful hair and squeezing the ache from his shoulders. yeah
when the leaves turn
summary: as the seasons change in jackson, so does your relationship with joel. It starts with small things—his quiet presence outside the schoolhouse, how he keeps bringing you books for the kids or how his gruff demeanor softens just slightly when he talks to you.
pairing: jackson!joel miller x fem!teacher reader
word count: 8k
content warnings: slight reader description, y/n used once or twice, slight slow burn, fluff, some angst, maria appearance, ellie being ellie, grumpy joel but soft, kissing but at the end.
a/n: request from anon. inspired by autumn/winter months. divider by @saradika-graphics.
August
Autumn in Jackson smelled like wood smoke and damp earth, like something settling in before the frost. Maybe that was why it always felt like a fresh start. Or maybe it was because school began then, and with it, the quiet thrill of sharpening pencils, smoothing out worn pages, and watching young minds spark to life.
The air carried a crisp bite in the mornings, warming just enough by midday to make the schoolhouse feel less like a drafty old cabin and more like a place where something good could grow. You tried to hold on to that feeling now as you stood in the small room, surveying the meager stack of books on the shelf. Five. That was it. Five stories to last an entire year.
Maria did what she could—she always did—but Jackson could only provide so much. Food, shelter, safety. The essentials. Books, though? Books were sacred.
The kids deserved more. They deserved to get lost in stories, to hear unfamiliar words roll off the tongue, to dream beyond the walls of this town. And right now, all you had were the same five dog-eared volumes, ones that had already been read so many times the kids could recite them back to you. They needed more.
You’d mentioned it offhand, a passing comment to Maria or Tommy—how the kids were running out of new books to read, how their little library shelves were looking thinner by the week. You hadn’t thought much of it at the time.
Maria had brought it up to Joel once in passing, maybe while handing out patrol assignments or over dinner at the hall. Though he didn’t say much in response—just a slow nod, a quiet grunt of acknowledgment—he’d kept it tucked away.
After that, every time he rode beyond the gates, rifle slung across his back, he started looking. Not just for threats. Not just for supplies.
For books.
For the kids, at least. That’s what he told himself.
When Maria stopped by the schoolhouse, a small stack of books cradled in her arms. She set them down on your desk with a satisfied smile.
“Look what turned up,” she said, brushing the cold from her sleeves.
Your eyes widened as you reached for the top one—a hardcover copy of Charlotte’s Web, its edges worn but still intact. Beneath it, a few dog-eared paperbacks, pages yellowed with time but still readable.
“Oh, Maria,” you breathed, running a hand over the covers. “Where did you find these?”
She waved a hand. “You mentioned needing more. Figured I’d keep an eye out.”
You smiled, touched by the gesture. “Thank you.”
Maria didn’t correct you. Didn’t mention the real reason those books were here. Just shot you a knowing look before heading back out into the cool autumn breeze.
That day, you watched as the kids excitedly flipped through the pages, some still having to share, but none of them seeming to mind. Their little fingers traced over faded words, their voices rising with excitement as they pored over the “new” books. It was worth it—seeing them light up like that.
A few days later, more books appeared.
Five of them were stacked neatly on the steps outside the schoolhouse. No note. No explanation. Just left there in the quiet of the early morning.
You glanced around, expecting someone to step forward, maybe one of the townsfolk who had extras lying around. But no one lingered nearby, no one waiting to be thanked.
Possibly Maria had found more books but something about it didn’t sit right.
Then it happened again and again.
Every few days, another small pile of books—some more battered than others, their covers soft with age, spines cracked, but pages still intact. Someone was going through a lot of trouble to bring them here.
And you were determined to find out who.
____________
“Maria?” You called as you spotted her walking through town one Saturday afternoon, bundled up against the lingering chill in the air.
She turned, offering you a polite smile. “What’s up?”
You fell into step beside her, arms crossed. “How have you been finding all of these books?” Your voice was casual, but your curiosity slipped through.
Maria blinked, then let out a small chuckle. “Oh,” she shook her head, a little amused, a little knowing. “I didn’t find them.”
Your brows furrowed. “Then who—”
“Actually, Joel has—”
You stopped mid-step. “Joel?”
Maria’s smirk deepened, but she didn’t add anything else, just gave you a meaningful look before continuing on her way.
Joel.
You found him that afternoon, just as he was tying off his horse near the stables, fresh from patrol. His jacket was dusted with dried mud, his knuckles scuffed like he might’ve had to wrestle something—or someone—on the way back. And slung over his shoulder, nestled in his pack, you could just make out the edges of another book.
You crossed your arms and cleared your throat. “So… you wanna tell me why you’ve been sneaking books onto my porch like some kind of storybook bandit?”
Joel exhaled through his nose, shaking his head as he unbuckled the saddle. “Ain’t sneakin’,” he muttered. “Just droppin’ ‘em off.”
You stepped closer, tilting your head. “And where exactly are you finding all of these?”
He grunted, shifting his weight like he wasn’t sure why this was even a conversation. “Out there.” A vague nod toward the gate. “Old houses. Shops. Whatever’s left.”
You studied him, trying to piece it together. Joel wasn’t the type to go out of his way for things that weren’t necessary. He took care of what needed to be done—patrols, keeping Jackson safe—but this?
This was something else.
His fingers flexed against the strap of his pack, like he was debating whether to keep holding it or shove it into your arms and walk away.
“You didn’t have to do this,” you said softly.
Joel finally looked at you then, eyes flickering with something unreadable. He swallowed, a muscle ticking in his jaw.
“Kids need somethin’ to do,” he muttered. “Better than runnin’ around causin’ trouble.”
You huffed a quiet laugh. “You sure it’s just for the kids?”
His gaze dropped for half a second—just long enough for you to notice.
Then he shook his head, pulling the pack from his shoulder and thrusting it toward you. “Got more in here,” he said, clearing his throat. “Figure you’ll know what to do with ‘em.”
You took it, fingers brushing his. His hand was warm, rough from years of work, and the moment lingered longer than it needed to.
“Thank you, Joel.”
His lips parted slightly, like maybe he had something to say. But instead, he just gave a short nod, stepping back, putting space between you.
As he turned to go, you could’ve sworn you saw the corner of his mouth twitch—just the slightest hint of a smile.
September
You’d slowly worked your way into Joel’s life. Not that he’d admit it—not out loud, anyway.
It had started with the books, but there had always been something about him that intrigued you. Even before that. The way he carried himself and spoke in that quiet, measured way, like he only said what was worth saying. How he seemed to be made of sharp edges but had the softest touch when it came to the people he let in.
The books had just given you an excuse to talk to him.
And once you started, you didn’t want to stop.
You made a habit of waving when you passed him in town, throwing a casual ‘Hey, Joel’ over your shoulder as you carried on with your day. At first, all you got in return was a nod. Maybe a grunt.
Then, one day, he actually said ‘Hey’ back.
After a while, he started stopping when you stopped.
He never lingered long, always busy with something—fixing the fencing near the sheep pen, hauling supplies, heading out on patrol. But he let you talk to him, and that was something.
Small talk at first—how the kids were doing, whether the new batch of patrol recruits were worth a damn, what Jackson needed more of before winter hit. Nothing special. But the more you spoke, the more he softened. You saw it in how he lingered a little longer when you crossed paths, how his gaze didn’t dart away as quickly, how his nods turned into real answers.
Like today.
“I love this time of year,” you said one afternoon, adjusting the lesson plans in your arms as you passed Joel near the hall.
Joel glanced up from where he was adjusting his pack, one brow raised. “Why’s that?”
“It’s the beginning of autumn,” you said, shifting the stack of papers against your hip. “The air gets crisp, the leaves start turning.” A small smile tugged at your lips. “Or maybe I’m biased.”
His gaze lingered for a second longer than usual. “Biased how?”
“Well…” You hummed, pretending to think. “It’s my birth month.”
Joel let out a quiet huff, shaking his head. “Yeah, see, that explains it.”
You grinned. “And what about you? What’s your favorite month?”
“Don’t have one,” he answered too quickly.
You raised a brow. “No favorite month? No favorite season?”
“They’re all the same,” he muttered, adjusting the strap of his bag. “Just depends how miserable the weather wants to be.”
You rolled your eyes. “Okay, well, what about the worst month?”
“September,” Joel said immediately, shifting his pack higher on his shoulder. “It’s forgettable.”
Something about the way he said it made you pause.
Not because of the words, but because of the way his jaw tightened, the flicker of something unreadable in his eyes. Like the answer had been waiting there, right at the surface, ready to slip out the second you asked.
Forgettable, he’d called it.
The way he said it made your stomach twist. Like he wasn’t talking about the month at all.
You didn’t push. Just nodded, shifting the papers in your arms. “Huh.”
Something about the way he said it didn’t sit right. Like, he didn’t mean September was forgettable. Maybe he meant he was.
And that’s when it clicked.
You kept your expression neutral, storing the information away. If you were right—and you had a feeling you were—his birthday was coming up.
Joel exhaled through his nose like he was already done with the conversation. “You need help with those?”
You blinked. It was the first time he’d ever offered.
“Nah, I got it,” you said, watching as he gave a small nod and started walking away.
You let him go because even if Joel Miller hated his birthday, you already knew you weren’t going to let it pass unnoticed.
____________
You found out from Tommy that Joel’s birthday was September 26th.
He hadn’t meant to tell you—just an offhand comment, muttered between sips of coffee as he patched up a tear in his glove. But the second the words left his mouth, Tommy went stiff, like he’d said something he wasn’t supposed to.
“He don’t like to talk about it,” he warned, his voice quieter now. “Lost Sarah...”
Joel had lost his daughter that same day.
The weight of it sat heavy in your chest that night, curled up under a too-thin blanket, staring at the ceiling. You wanted to do something, but how did you celebrate a day that only brought him pain? The thought made your throat tighten, eyes burning as you buried your face in the pillow.
You couldn’t fix it. Couldn’t take away the hurt.
Maybe you could give him something that didn’t feel like a celebration but still meant I see you.
The answer came sooner than expected.
It was a chilly afternoon when you spotted Joel walking toward you, his shoulders hunched against the wind. His usual scowl was in place, but something was different.
He was carrying something.
“Hey,” you greeted, shifting the basket in your arms as he came to a stop in front of you.
Joel exhaled through his nose, his gaze flicking away like he was already second-guessing himself. Then, without a word, he reached into his pack and pulled out a small, wrapped bundle.
Rough brown paper, tied with twine.
He held it out. “Here.”
You blinked. “What’s this?”
Joel sighed, looking somewhere over your shoulder like this whole thing was deeply inconvenient for him. “You said September was your birthday month.”
Your breath caught in your throat.
Carefully, you took the bundle from his hands, fingers grazing his—rough, calloused, warm even in the cold. You pulled the twine loose and peeled back the paper.
A mug.
Not just any mug. Sturdy ceramic, a little chipped at the rim, but glazed in a deep, autumn gold. You could tell it was old but well-made, like the kind you’d find in a house that had once been a home.
You swallowed past the sudden lump in your throat. “Joel…”
He shifted, rubbing the back of his neck. “Figured you might need one,” he muttered. “See you haulin’ coffee to the school every mornin’. Thought… well. Just thought.”
Your fingers curled around the handle. It fit perfectly in your palm.
It was nothing grand. Nothing fancy, but it was thoughtful.
You looked up at him, warmth spreading through your chest. “Thank you.”
His ears tinged pink. He gave a stiff nod like he wasn’t sure what to do with your gratitude.
Your heart pounded. Now or never.
“Actually…” You hesitated. “I have something for you too.”
Joel’s head snapped up, eyes narrowing slightly. “For what?”
You bit your lip, gripping the mug a little tighter. “For your birthday.”
Something passed over his face—quick, fleeting. His jaw clenched, his fingers flexing at his sides.
He shook his head. “You don’t gotta—”
“I know,” you cut in softly. “I know you don’t like your birthday. But… I still wanted to do something for you.”
Joel went quiet.
You let the words settle between you, watching the tension in his shoulders, the way his mouth pressed into a firm line like he wanted to argue but couldn’t quite find the words.
Then, finally, he exhaled, slow and measured. “What is it?”
You smiled. “Come by my place later and find out.”
His eyes flickered with something unreadable. He hesitated. Then, after a long pause, he gave a small nod.
That evening, there was a knock at your door.
Joel stood there, arms crossed, looking like he wasn’t sure if he regretted showing up or not.
You grinned. “Come in.”
He did, stepping inside cautiously, gaze sweeping over the cozy space—books stacked in uneven piles, a blanket draped over the couch, the faint scent of something warm in the air.
You grabbed the package from the table and turned to face him. “Here.”
He stared at it. Then at you.
Slowly, he reached out and took it.
He unwrapped it carefully, calloused fingers making quick work of the twine. The paper fell away, and Joel went still.
A flannel shirt.
Dark green, lined with soft fleece on the inside. Thick enough to keep him warm on patrol, but not too heavy. Well-made, just like the one he always wore—the one you knew had been patched up more times than you could count.
His fingers smoothed over the fabric, quiet.
You shifted on your feet. “I noticed yours was getting pretty worn,” you murmured. “Thought you could use another.”
Joel swallowed, still staring at it.
For a long moment, you thought maybe you’d overstepped. That he’d shake his head, shove it back at you, mutter something about how he didn’t need it.
Instead, he surprised you.
He cleared his throat. “It’s… nice.” A pause. “Thank you.”
Your chest ached at how hesitant he sounded. Like he wasn’t used to someone thinking about him, let alone for him.
You smiled. “Happy early birthday, Joel.”
He looked at you then. Really looked, and for the first time, he didn’t seem quite so uncomfortable with the weight of it.
October
October had settled into Jackson with crisp air and golden leaves crunching underfoot. The town buzzed with preparations for Maria’s fall festival: strings of lanterns hung between buildings, tables were set up with baked goods, and the faint scent of cinnamon and apples drifted through the streets.
Joel had tried to ignore the whole thing. Tried.
But then you’d mentioned it—offhand, casual.
“You’re coming, right?” You’d asked, tilting your head at him as you straightened a pile of books in the schoolhouse.
Joel had grunted, which you took as hesitation.
You just smiled. “C’mon, it wouldn’t kill you to have a little fun.”
And somehow, he’d found himself agreeing.
Now, Ellie sat across from him at the dinner table, stabbing at a slice of pie with unnecessary force, a wicked glint in her eye.
“I’m so excited for the dance,” she said, too loud, flashing Joel a knowing grin.
Joel grunted, trying to appear disinterested as he scooped up another bite of stew. “Mhm.”
Ellie’s grin widened. She was a shark who had scented blood.
“Is your girlfriend gonna be there?” she asked, dragging out the word obnoxiously.
Joel nearly choked on his food. He shot her a glare. “She ain’t my girlfriend.”
Ellie gasped dramatically, clutching her chest like she’d been personally wounded. “Wow. Harsh.”
Joel exhaled sharply through his nose, setting his spoon down with a little too much force. “I ain’t havin’ this conversation with you.”
“Oh, you so are.” Ellie leaned in, elbows on the table, smirking. “You’ve been actin’ all weird lately. Like, more than usual.”
“I don’t act weird.”
“You so do.” She started counting on her fingers. “You’ve been nice to people. Like, actually talking to them instead of just grunting. You suddenly care about how you look before you leave the house—”
Joel scoffed. “The hell I do.”
Ellie ignored him, grinning wider. “And the other day? You were smiling. Like, a real, actual smile.”
Joel picked up his spoon again, pointing it at her. “You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”
Ellie kicked her feet up on the chair next to her, completely undeterred. “Oh, but I do. You like her.”
Joel tensed, his jaw ticking. Ellie just sat there, smirking, waiting for him to deny it.
He didn’t.
Instead, he focused on his food, muttering under his breath, “Eat your damn pie.”
Ellie beamed in victory.
“Can’t wait to see you two at the dance,” she sang, hopping up from the table and grabbing her plate. “Gonna be so romantic.”
Joel groaned, rubbing a hand down his face.
What the hell had he just agreed to?
____________
The hall had been transformed. Twinkling lanterns hung from the rafters, casting everything in a warm golden glow. Tables were lined with mismatched candles, their tiny flames flickering against the cool draft seeping in from the open doors. The scent of cider and baked apples filled the space, blending with the sound of laughter and the soft strum of a guitar from the corner.
You stood near the refreshment table, hands wrapped around a warm mug, watching as couples twirled across the wooden floor. It was almost normal.
For a moment, it was easy to pretend the world wasn’t broken. That beyond Jackson’s walls, there weren’t infected lurking in the shadows, waiting to take all of this away.
You shifted on your feet, smoothing a hand over your dress—nothing fancy, just something simple, warm enough for the crisp autumn night, paired with your trusty boots. The fabric swayed gently as you moved, and you felt a little lighter, a little more… hopeful.
Then, the door swung open, and your breath caught, causing your heart to do a stupid little flutter at the sight of him.
Joel’s hair was combed back—not slicked, not perfect, just neater than usual, like maybe he’d actually put in some effort. He wore a deep green flannel, the one you’d given him for his birthday, unbuttoned at the collar, sleeves pushed up to his forearms. He wore jeans, boots, and his usual belt. Still very much Joel, but softened somehow.
Beside him, Ellie smirked up at him, clearly impressed.
“Damn, look at you,” she teased, elbowing him as they stepped inside. “Who knew you could clean up this nice?”
Joel shot her a look. “I ain’t cleaned up.”
Ellie snorted. “You so are.” Then, as if just noticing you, her smirk widened. “Ohhh, I see now.”
Joel followed her gaze, his eyes landing on you. His movements slowed, just for a second.
Then he exhaled through his nose, shifting on his feet like he was suddenly self-conscious.
You smiled. “You made it.”
He grunted, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah, well. You asked.”
Ellie gasped, loud and exaggerated. “Wait. Wait—did Joel Miller just admit he came here for you?” She turned to him, grinning. “That’s, like, the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”
Joel shot her a withering look. “Go away.”
Ellie only cackled, grabbing a cup of cider from the table. “Nah, I think I’ll stick around and see how this plays out.”
You laughed, shaking your head. “Be nice, Ellie.”
Ellie snorted. “I am being nice. You should’ve seen him before we left—kept grumbling about how this was a waste of time. And yet, here he is.”
Joel pinched the bridge of his nose. “I swear to God—”
You stepped closer, tilting your head up at him. “You do look nice, though.”
Joel’s hand dropped. His gaze flickered to yours, something unreadable behind it.
A slow breath. Then—so soft you almost missed it—“You too.”
A warmth spread through you, settling deep in your chest.
Ellie groaned, dramatically rolling her eyes. “Oh my God, just dance already.”
Joel scowled. “Ain’t happenin’.”
Ellie grinned. “We’ll see about that.”
You chuckled, taking a slow sip of your cider, already scheming.
Ellie, ever the troublemaker, smirked one last time before making a half-hearted excuse and disappearing into the crowd, leaving you and Joel standing there alone.
You turned to him, offering a fresh cup of cider. “Here.”
Joel hesitated for just a second before taking it, his fingers brushing against yours—warm and rough.
“Thanks,” he muttered, eyes fixed on the floor like the damn woodgrain had something interesting to say.
You smiled, watching him. It was strange, seeing him here—out of place but present, the usual tension in his shoulders just a little looser. The lantern light flickered over his face, casting soft shadows along the sharp angles of his jaw, catching the silver in his hair.
Then, the band struck up a new tune.
Your breath hitched. That song.
An old favorite, one you hadn’t heard in years. Something soft and slow, the kind of melody that wrapped around you like a warm embrace.
You set your cider down, turning to Joel with a grin. “C’mon.”
His brow furrowed. “What?”
“Dance with me.”
Joel stiffened, shifting on his feet like you’d just asked him to recite poetry in front of the whole town. “Nah.”
You sighed dramatically. “Joel.”
“Nope.”
You took a step closer. “It’s just one dance.”
“I don’t dance.”
“You do.”
“I don’t.”
You arched a brow. “Not even back in the day?”
Joel huffed, eyes darting to the side like he was contemplating an escape route. “That was different.”
Your lips twitched. “Different how?”
He exhaled sharply, tilting his head back before looking at you again. “You ain’t lettin’ this go, are you?”
“Nope.”
Joel stared at you for a long moment. You could see the war in his eyes—the reluctance, the hesitation.
Then you reached for his hand, and he let you.
His palm was broad, calloused, fingers twitching slightly under yours. You squeezed gently, giving him an out if he wanted it.
He didn’t take it.
With a quiet sigh, Joel let you lead him toward the dance floor, moving stiffly at first, like his body had forgotten how this worked.
“You’re gonna be fine,” you teased softly, placing his free hand at your waist.
He swallowed. “You say that now.”
You started to sway, guiding him with slow, easy steps. After a beat, he followed.
The tension in his shoulders faded gradually, his grip firm but careful, like he wasn’t sure how much space to leave between you. You took the liberty of closing the distance just a little more, your body brushing against his as the music hummed around you.
He smelled like worn leather and cedarwood. It made you feel safe.
His hand at your waist flexed slightly. His thumb brushed absentmindedly against the fabric of your dress, barely there, but enough to make your breath hitch.
You tilted your head up to look at him. His gaze was already on you.
Something unreadable passed between you.
“You’re not bad at this,” you murmured.
Joel scoffed, shaking his head. “Not sayin’ I like it.”
You smiled. “Sure, Joel.”
He huffed, but his fingers curled a little tighter at your waist, holding you closer. His grip wasn’t hesitant anymore.
“You’re a…” He started, his voice low, rough.
You grinned. “Pain in your ass?”
Joel exhaled sharply, something close to a laugh—not quite, but enough to make your stomach flutter.
“No,” he muttered, shaking his head. “Was gonna say somethin’ else.”
You tilted your head up at him, eyes bright with mischief. “Oh? Like what?”
Joel’s jaw tightened, like he was debating whether or not to take the bait. His gaze flickered away for a brief second before landing back on you, something unreadable in those deep, hazel eyes.
“You’re persistent,” he finally said.
Joel let out a quiet grunt, but there was no real bite behind it. His thumb brushed absently along your waist just enough to send warmth curling through you.
“You always this difficult?” he asked, his voice quieter now.
You hummed, swaying a little closer. “Only with you.”
Joel’s fingers twitched against your waist. His eyes held yours, something shifting in them, something softer than before.
“I should’ve known,” he muttered, but his voice had no frustration. If anything, he sounded almost… amused.
You grinned. “You’re gettin’ used to me, though.”
He shook his head, but his lips twitched just enough for you to notice. “Don’t know ‘bout that, sweetheart.”
December
Autumn was long gone, swept away with the last of the golden leaves. Winter had settled into Jackson with an unforgiving grip—bitter winds, thick snowfall, the kind of cold that seeped into your bones no matter how many layers you wore.
Today was no different.
Snow had started falling in the early afternoon, dusting the rooftops and piling in soft drifts along the streets. By the time class ended, the steady flurries had thickened into something heavier, swirling outside the schoolhouse windows.
Most of the kids had already rushed out the door, eager to get home before the worst of it hit, but a few lingered behind, helping you straighten chairs and gather up scattered lesson papers.
Then, the door creaked open, and a burst of cold air followed Joel Miller inside.
He stomped the snow from his boots, shaking his head as he pulled the scarf from around his neck. A familiar worn satchel was slung over his shoulder, and he made his way toward your desk, setting a small stack of books down with a quiet thump.
“Found these on patrol,” he muttered, glancing at you before shifting his weight like he wasn’t sure if he should linger.
You brushed your hands off on your skirt and stepped closer, fingertips trailing over the covers. “You’re making a habit of this,” you mused, looking up at him.
Joel grunted, rubbing a hand over his beard. “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”
You smirked with an expression that read—Sure, Joel.
Before you could tease him further, the wind outside howled, rattling the old windowpanes. One of the kids—Lucy, a bright-eyed girl no older than seven—paused in the middle of stacking the bookshelves.
“Sounds bad out there,” she murmured.
Another gust of wind shrieked against the schoolhouse walls. The fire in the woodstove crackled, but a draft crept in beneath the door, chilling the air. You frowned, moving to peek outside.
Your stomach dipped.
The gentle snowfall from earlier had turned into a full-blown storm. White-out conditions. The streets had already disappeared under a thick, shifting blanket of snow, and the wind howled through town, sharp and biting.
Joel came up behind you, close enough that you felt his warmth. “Storm’s settin’ in fast,” he muttered, voice low.
You turned to the kids, trying to keep your voice calm. “Alright, looks like we’re stayin’ put for a bit.”
Lucy’s little brother, Daniel, fidgeted. “For how long?”
Joel crossed his arms. “’Til it clears up enough to walk home safe.”
The words weren’t unkind, but Daniel’s face still fell. His lip trembled, and he blinked up at Joel, eyes wide. “But what if it doesn’t stop?”
Joel sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. You could see the exact moment he caved, the hard lines in his expression softening just slightly.
Kneeling down, he met Daniel’s worried gaze head-on. “Ain’t the first storm I’ve seen, kid,” he said, voice gentler now. “Won’t be the last. Nothin’ to do but wait it out. We’re safe here.”
Daniel sniffled but nodded.
You hid a smile, glancing at Joel as he stood back up. He caught you looking and huffed. “What?”
“Nothing,” you said innocently.
He narrowed his eyes, but before he could press, another voice piped up.
“What do we do now?” Lucy asked, shifting on her feet.
Joel glanced at you. You both knew the worst thing to do was let the kids sit in silence, stewing in worry.
You clapped your hands together. “We make the best of it.”
A few skeptical looks.
“Ever had a snowstorm sleepover?”
Lucy perked up. “Like… camping?”
“Exactly like camping,” you said brightly. “Except warmer.”
Joel snorted. “Debatable.”
You ignored him. “We’ve got books, a warm fire, and if we’re lucky…” You shot a glance at Joel. “Maybe some stories?”
Joel sighed, already shaking his head. “I ain’t—”
“C’mon, Joel,” Ellie’s voice suddenly called from the doorway.
You turned just in time to see her waltz in, brushing snow from her shoulders. “Oh, hell yeah,” she grinned, glancing around at the kids. “We havin’ a storm party in here?”
“You shouldn’t be out in this,” Joel muttered, but there was no real heat behind it.
Ellie shrugged, flopping onto a chair. “Relax, old man. I barely had to walk a block.”
She turned to the kids, nodding toward Joel. “Y’know, he’s real good at tellin’ stories. Bet if you bug him enough, he’ll spill a good one.”
Joel scowled. “Ellie.”
Ellie grinned, leaning back. “What? Just sayin’.”
You smirked, crossing your arms. “Guess it’s unanimous, then. Looks like you’re up, Miller.”
Joel exhaled sharply, glaring at Ellie before looking back at you. For a second, he seemed like he might refuse. Might grumble something about how this was your problem, not his, but then Daniel looked up at him again, eyes still a little wary, still searching for reassurance.
Joel sighed, shaking his head. “Fine.”
Cheers erupted from the kids. Ellie whooped, shooting you a smug look.
You smiled, settling in as Joel pulled up a chair.
He leaned back, arms crossed, eyes scanning the small group in front of him like he was still debating whether this was worth his time. But then Lucy wiggled forward eagerly, Daniel tucked himself into the corner of the worn-out couch, and even Ellie leaned in slightly, clearly expecting a show.
Joel sighed, like he was already regretting this, and then—he started talking.
You leaned against your desk, watching him. Hanging onto every word.
At first, you were just listening, like everyone else. But then, your focus started to shift—not just to what he was saying, but how he was saying it.
The way his deep, low voice wrapped around the words, rich and slow, his Texan drawl stretching certain syllables, dragging out vowels in a way that sent a shiver up your spine.
God.
How had you never noticed it before?
His voice wasn’t just rough—it was warm, like whiskey on a cold night, settling deep into your bones. There was a cadence to how he spoke, how his gravelly tone smoothed over certain words and sharpened on others.
The fire flickered beside him, its glow catching the silver in his hair, casting deep shadows along the strong cut of his jaw. He wasn’t a performer, wasn’t trying to be—but he had the room in the palm of his hand, his voice steady, sure, filling the space between the crackling woodstove and the howling wind outside.
You swallowed, fingers gripping the edge of your desk.
Shit.
This was bad.
You’d always liked Joel. Always found him intriguing in that quiet, rough-around-the-edges way. Now it was something deeper, dangerous.
You had it bad.
The worst part? You weren’t even sure when it had happened. Maybe it was the books or the way he always looked out for the kids. Maybe it was the rare, reluctant smirks he sent your way or how his hands lingered just a second too long when he handed you something.
Or maybe it was just him.
Joel Miller. A man made of sharp edges and quiet kindness, of steady hands and a voice that had somehow curled itself around your heart without you realizing it.
“You listenin’ or just starin’?”
Your eyes snapped up.
Joel was looking right at you, brow raised, mouth twitching at the corners like he already knew the answer.
Heat rushed to your face. “I—I’m listening.”
Joel hummed, unconvinced. His gaze flickered down—just for a second—before returning to yours. His fingers tapped against the armrest of his chair.
“Y’look real deep in thought over there,” he mused. “Somethin’ you wanna share with the class?”
Ellie perked up immediately. “Ohhh, yeah, what were you thinkin’ about?” She shot you a wicked grin. “Wait—were you staring at him?”
Joel groaned. “Jesus Christ.”
You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms. “I was not staring.”
Ellie snickered. “Sure.”
Joel just shook his head, exhaling sharply. “You gonna let me finish this story or what?”
“By all means,” you said, biting back a smile.
Joel held your gaze for a second longer, something unreadable flickering behind those deep brown eyes. He leaned back again, clearing his throat.
But this time, when he kept talking, you noticed something different.
How his voice dipped a little lower, his fingers curled slightly tighter around the chair. The way his eyes found yours between sentences like maybe he was thinking about you, too.
____________
The snow finally stopped after two long hours, the sky clearing just enough for the late afternoon sun to peek through the heavy clouds. Its weak rays glinted off the thick blanket of white outside, already softening at the edges, turning to slush where footprints had trampled paths.
Joel stood near the door, arms crossed, watching as Lucy and Daniel rushed past him, their boots thudding against the wooden floor. Ellie was right behind them, already packing a handful of snow.
“Last one outside’s a rotten egg!” she called, shoving her way through the door with a laugh.
The kids shrieked, disappearing into the bright afternoon, their voices echoing down the street.
Joel sighed, shaking his head. “Told ‘em I’d walk ‘em home.”
You smirked, stepping beside him, watching the kids tumble into the fresh snow. “Think they’ll be okay without you?”
Joel scoffed. “Barely.”
You chuckled, shifting slightly—and that’s when you realized.
It was just the two of you now.
The schoolhouse was quiet. The fire in the stove had died down to embers, casting a dim, flickering glow against the walls. Outside, Jackson stirred back to life after the storm, but in here, it felt like time had slowed.
Joel hadn’t moved. He still stood beside you, close enough that his warmth reached you, despite the cold creeping through the gaps in the door.
You cleared your throat, turning toward him. “Guess that means you don’t have an excuse to run off now.”
Joel arched a brow. “Wasn’t plannin’ on runnin’.”
Your lips quirked. “That so?”
His gaze flickered to yours, steady, unreadable. Then—so subtly you almost didn’t catch it—his fingers twitched at his side, like he’d thought about reaching for something but thought better of it.
You swallowed, suddenly hyper-aware of every little thing. The way his hand hovered just inches from yours. The roughness of his knuckles, the calloused pads of his fingertips, how easy it would be to close the space and—
You shook the thought away.
Joel shifted, glancing toward the table where the stack of books he’d brought still sat. “Y’gonna take those home?”
“Probably.” You moved past him to gather them up, but the moment your fingers brushed the top book, another hand beat you to it.
Joel’s.
Your breath hitched.
For a second, neither of you moved. His hand had settled just over yours, warm, solid, his fingers barely curling against your skin. A beat passed. Then another.
You glanced up.
Joel didn’t pull away.
His gaze met yours, something flickering behind those deep brown eyes—something unreadable, something waiting. The air felt different, heavier, like the storm had never really left.
Then, he cleared his throat and pulled back, grabbing half the stack and tucking it under his arm like nothing had happened.
“C’mon,” he muttered, heading for the door. “Ain’t lettin’ you haul all these by yourself.”
You blinked, heart still racing, then let out a breathless laugh. “Wow. Chivalry isn’t dead after all.”
Joel rolled his eyes, holding the door open for you. “Don’t make me regret it.”
You grinned, brushing past him, close enough that your shoulder bumped his. “Too late.”
Joel huffed. But as you stepped outside, boots crunching in the fresh snow, you caught it—that small, almost imperceptible tug at the corner of his mouth.
And you knew.
He wasn’t regretting it at all.
February
“Alright, make sure not to eat the glue sticks,” you warned, hands on your hips, though you couldn’t keep the laughter out of your voice.
A few giggles erupted around the classroom.
“I wasn’t gonna,” Daniel muttered, even though you had caught him eyeing one earlier.
You shook your head fondly, surveying the scene in front of you. The classroom was a mess of red and pink paper scraps, doilies, and way too much glitter. Some of the kids took their time, carefully writing heartfelt messages in their Valentine’s Day cards, while others scribbled their names in messy, oversized letters before immediately running off to cause trouble.
Still, it was sweet.
Seeing them like this—carefree, just being kids—it made all the chaos worth it.
Once the last of the glue had dried, you clapped your hands. “Alright! Time to exchange.”
Excited chatter filled the air as the kids hopped up from their seats, running around the room to deliver their cards. Daniel handed Lucy one, grinning as he presented his with a dramatic flourish. Ellie, having appointed herself The Valentine’s Day Critic, went around judging everyone’s artistic abilities, much to the other kids’ annoyance.
Lucy—sweet, thoughtful Lucy—clutched a card in her hands, biting her lip in concentration.
Then, with a determined nod, she slipped it into her coat pocket and bolted out the door.
Joel had just finished up at the stables when he heard his name being called.
“Mr. Joel! Wait!”
He barely had time to turn before Lucy skidded to a stop in front of him, red-faced from the cold, her scarf trailing behind her.
Joel blinked down at her. “Somethin’ wrong?”
“Nope!” she beamed. Then, without another word, she shoved a handmade Valentine into his hands.
Joel frowned, glancing down at it. The card was lopsided, the edges trimmed with uneven bits of lace. A few hearts were drawn in the corners, scribbled in crayon, and right in the center, in big, careful letters—
Happy Valentine’s Day, Joel!
And at the bottom—Love, (Y/N)
Joel’s entire body locked up.
Lucy rocked on her heels, beaming at him like she’d just handed him gold.
He stared at the card. His grip tightened slightly. Then loosened.
“What is this?” he asked, voice gruff.
“A Valentine,” Lucy chirped, looking far too pleased with herself. “Miss (L/N) made it for you.”
Joel blinked. “She… what?”
Lucy nodded eagerly, her braids bouncing. “She must really like you. She worked really hard on it.”
Joel opened his mouth. Closed it. Shifted his weight.
He could count on one hand the number of times in his life he’d been genuinely caught off guard. This was one of them.
“Uh—”
“Well, see ya later, Mr. Joel!” Lucy chirped, already spinning on her heel and dashing off.
Joel watched her go, still frozen in place, still holding the damn Valentine like it was a live grenade.
His heart thudded once, heavy in his chest. You had made this? For him?
He glanced down at the card again before his feet carried him towards the school.
____________
You had just stepped out of the schoolhouse, wrapping your scarf tighter around your neck as the cold breeze nipped at your cheeks. The day was already starting to fade, the sun slipping lower behind the rooftops, casting long, golden shadows over the snow-covered streets.
As you locked up the door, you heard footsteps crunching in the frost behind you.
You sighed, already turning. “Did you forget someth—”
The words caught in your throat. It wasn’t one of the kids.
It was Joel.
He was holding a familiar lopsided Valentine's card in one hand, gripping it like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.
Your stomach flipped.
Joel shifted, his jaw working like he was debating something. His other hand was stuffed deep in his jacket pocket, his shoulders tense like he’d rather be anywhere else—but his feet weren’t moving.
You frowned. “Joel?”
He exhaled sharply through his nose, lifting the card slightly. “You, uh… you make this?”
Your eyes flickered to the crumpled Valentine, the sight of your own name scrawled at the bottom in a handwriting that definitely wasn’t yours.
It took all of two seconds to piece it together.
Your lips parted in realization. Lucy. That little menace.
The laugh bubbled up before you could stop it, slipping past your lips, a warm contrast against the chilly air. “Oh, Joel.” You shook your head, biting back a grin.
Joel’s frown deepened. “That a yes or a no?”
You grinned, arms crossing. “It’s a no. But I know who did.”
Joel’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Lucy.”
“Bingo.”
He let out a heavy sigh, raking a hand through his hair. “Jesus Christ.”
You laughed again, watching as he stared down at the card like it had personally offended him.
“She told me you made it,” he muttered, like he still wasn’t sure if he was being messed with.
“Yeah, sounds like Lucy,” you mused, shaking your head. “She’s got a bit of a matchmaking streak.”
Joel grunted. “Figured that out real quick.”
You smirked. “So. What’d you think?”
He blinked. “What?”
“The card,” you teased. “You seemed pretty torn up about it. For a second, I thought you wanted me to make you one.”
Joel scoffed, but the tips of his ears had gone pink.
“I wasn’t torn up about nothin’,” he muttered, rolling his shoulders like he could physically shake off the flustered energy clinging to him.
You just tilted your head, watching him.
He huffed, stuffing the card back into his pocket like it was evidence of something, like he needed to get rid of it but couldn’t quite bring himself to toss it.
That warmth curled low in your stomach again. Because for all his grumbling, for all his attempts to brush this off, there was one simple fact he wasn’t acknowledging.
He’d come all the way here to ask you.
Just to be sure.
The thought made your heart skip.
You stepped a little closer, voice softer now. “Well… if you wanted one, you could’ve just asked.”
Joel’s breath hitched, just barely. His fingers flexed at his sides, like he was stopping himself from doing something—stepping back, stepping closer.
You bit your lip, smiling. “Next year, maybe I’ll make you a real one.”
Joel swallowed, the muscle in his jaw ticking. Then, after a long beat—
“Yeah,” he muttered, barely audible. “Maybe.”
Then, before you could say anything else, he turned, muttering something under his breath as he stomped off into the snow.
You watched him go, his broad frame cutting through the snow, shoulders tense like he was trying to shake off something that had crawled under his skin.
Maybe that was the problem because you didn’t want him to shake it off.
Not this time.
“Joel.”
He didn’t stop.
You took a step forward, heart pounding. “Wait.”
His pace quickened, boots crunching against the frozen ground, as if putting more space between you would make this whole thing disappear.
Your stomach twisted. “Joel!”
He let out a sharp breath and finally stopped, turning on his heel so fast you nearly ran into him.
“What?” His voice was gruff, a little too sharp, like he was already regretting stopping.
The look on his face made you hesitate—jaw tight, lips pressed into a firm line, his eyes flickering with something unreadable. But you swallowed past the lump in your throat, forcing yourself to speak.
“Why… why are you upset?”
Joel scoffed, rubbing the back of his neck, his breath curling into the cold air. “Because a damn kid embarrassed me.”
You frowned. “No, I mean—”
“And because you think it’s funny.”
“I—Joel, that’s not—”
“And because—”
“Will you just shut up for a second?”
The words snapped out before you could stop them, your voice louder than intended.
Joel blinked. His mouth shut, brow furrowing as he stared at you, caught off guard.
Your heart pounded, breath shaky, but you had already started. No going back now.
“I’m not laughing at you,” you said, your voice steadier now. “I’m frustrated because you’re too damn stubborn to see what’s right in front of you.”
Joel didn’t move. Didn’t speak.
So you pressed on.
“I like you, Joel.” The words tumbled out before you could second-guess them. “I have for a while. And maybe Lucy saw it before you did, but hell—I see it too. In the way you look at me. The way you show up for me. The way you’re standing here, right now, instead of walking away like I know you want to.”
A long, heavy, unbearable silence hung in the air.
Joel stepped forward.
It was slow and hesitant, like he wasn’t sure if he was making the right move, but he was. He always had been.
His hand lifted, rough fingers brushing against your cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. The touch was warm, careful, lingering longer than it needed to.
His voice was quieter when he spoke. “You ain’t wrong.”
Your breath hitched.
Joel exhaled sharply, looking down for a moment before lifting his gaze back to yours. “I—” He stopped, shook his head slightly, as if the words wouldn’t come out right. But then, finally—“I like you too.”
The words were gruff and unpolished but true.
Something cracked open inside you, something warm that had been waiting for this exact moment.
You barely had time to process before Joel was closing the last bit of space between you, his hands framing your face, his lips pressing against yours.
The kiss wasn’t rushed. It wasn’t desperate. It was steady.
Like him.
Like something solid and certain, something that had been there all along, waiting for the right moment to fall into place.
God, you melted into it, your hands grasping at the front of his jacket, pulling him impossibly closer.
Joel let out a quiet breath against your lips, his fingers tightening slightly like he’d been holding himself back for too long and wasn’t sure how to stop anymore.
Neither of you pulled away.
When you finally did, Joel’s forehead rested against yours, his breath warm in the freezing air.
“Guess Lucy was onto somethin’,” you murmured.
Joel huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. “Little troublemaker.”
You grinned. “Mm. Remind you of anyone?”
His lips brushed against yours, just barely, before he murmured—
“Not a chance, darlin’.”
And then, he kissed you again.
I’m wayyyy too obsessed with this one
This is just Javier Pena coming out of retirement for one last case.
Need to live here with Joel Miller and never speak to anyone else ever again
I love how Joel (game and show) was just serving looks in the middle of the apocalypse. Whole world's gone to shit, he hasn't had a proper meal in ages, he nearly bleeds out... but he's serving looks. He's well dressed, his hair looks beautiful and perfectly fluffy and soft, face card never declines.
I am deceased.
[pics: jjohnn17]
They're so damn cute!!
pedro pascal: is the most adorable puppy dog of a man who does the peace sign when people take photos and giggles when people call him daddy and then says momma and fangirls over other celebs and looks at fan accounts to cheer himself up
every studio: we are going to cast This Man in the reluctant grumpy bounty hunter father role, the reluctant violent angry post apocalyptic father role, the dickhead actor who’s high or drunk all the time role, the cop with a dark side that gets a lil corrupted by the cartel he tries to take down role, the megalomaniac supervillain against a dc hero role, the Texan back stabbing double crossing spy role, the bloodthirsty horn dog of a man literally nicknamed The Red Viper for his murdering methods role etc
he’s the gift that keeps on giving
when the fic was so good, you just sit and wish it was you there rn….
Protect and Honor
Pairing: Marcus Acacius x f!reader
Summary: Marcus Acacius promised his best friend he would look after his wife if he ever perished in battle. What he didn't expect was to fall in love.
Warnings: OC death (reader's husband), grief, descriptions of battle/wounds/blood, guilt, angst, smut (18+ MDNI), unprotected piv sex, dry humping, cum eating, pining, language
WC: 6.6K
dividers by @/saradika-graphics
The entire city of Rome slept when the army returned. Warships quietly entered the port with another victory to announce, along with countless lifeless bodies in the hulls. Tomorrow, the emperors would rejoice, filling the streets and arena with games, wine, and laughter. But many families would be in mourning over the loss of fathers, brothers, children, and husbands.
It was those families Acacius thought about when he stood in between the young leaders of Rome, accepting praise and applause for leading those brave men into battle, then leaving their loved ones with holes in their hearts.
It wasn't unusual for him to feel burdened with responsibility and grief when he returned from war, but this time was especially painful because he lost someone very important: Antonius Sattius. His right hand man in battle, and his close friend since he was a boy. The man he celebrated with when he was married one year prior was now carefully carried from his ship, body draped in clean linen and emblazoned with gold.
His heart felt heavy in his chest as he made his way up the winding road to your modest home. Even though it was the middle of the night, he couldn't fathom not telling you the news right away. You deserved to know directly from him and not rumors that would inevitably flow through the streets at first light.
He knocked on your door, then stood with his head bowed and his hands clasped firmly at his waist. He wore his amour, although now clean, out of respect. His muscles were weary and everything ached, yet the thought of his own soft bed was distant in his mind when you swung open the door a moment later with a small lantern in your hand.
"Acacius?"
His head lifted and he met your gaze, eyes filled with sorrow, and watched while your expression changed from confusion to despair when you realized the reason he was alone at your door in the middle of the night.
"My lady, may I come in?"
Your lower lip trembled when you nodded and stepped aside, allowing his hulking frame to engulf your small sitting room as you hurried to light some candles with shaking hands.
"Was it quick?" you asked with your back to him. He nodded, standing stoically next to your furniture.
"Yes. He did not suffer."
Flashes of your husband's bloodied, dirt streaked face clouded his vision. He remembered voices shouting, swords clanging, and distant cries of pain as he hunched over Antonius's body, searching for signs of life.
You sighed and turned to face him, silent tears staining your cheeks, then slumped into a chair.
"Please, sit."
He relented and chose to sit across from you, perched on the edge of his seat, poised and ready but for what, he did not know. He watched you stare down at your tangled fingers in your lap, giving you time to process your loss.
"How will I ever go on? What am I going to do?" you whispered softly. Marcus pursed his lips, his heart breaking.
"I shall help you with anything you may need," he said. "I made a promise to him long ago. He was able to die with peace in his heart, knowing you would be watched over."
You gave him a weak smile. "And what was he to do for you, Acacius, if you had fallen first?" you asked. "No wife. No children. I have never heard you speak of family."
"He was my family," Marcus replied. "He promised to return my body to Rome, to be buried next to my mother and father."
You nodded solemnly and looked around the candlelit room. He could see the anguish flitting across your face as you tried to reconcile with the new life you would have come morning.
"If I had a choice, I would have taken his place."
"Do not say that," you said firmly. You narrowed your watery eyes at him and he fell silent. "We lost him for a reason. The gods - they have their reasons. Perhaps one day, we will discover what those are."
He held your gaze for a moment, a heaviness hanging in the air between you until the tears began to spill down your face and your vision blurred. Without considering decorum, Marcus stood and crossed the room to sit by your side. Tentatively, he reached for your hand, and you eagerly took it before leaning into his shoulder to sob quietly. All the while, Marcus sat strong beside you, letting you cry yourself out until your body sagged and your eyes could no longer remain open.
You didn't ask him to stay and he didn't ask permission. Once you disappeared into your bedroom, he removed his armor and made himself as comfortable as possible on your lounging chair before crossing his arms and willing himself to sleep.
The following morning you weren't surprised to hear Marcus stirring in your sitting room, no doubt being woken up by the two girls you had employed to assist with meals and laundry. A luxury, you realized, you would likely have to forgo as a widow.
You wrapped yourself in a fresh stola and splashed some water on your puffy face, trying to make yourself look halfway decent before exiting your bedroom. Marcus was just securing his armor when he turned to face you.
"I hope you were able to rest," he said. You saw some movement from the kitchen and your gaze slid over his shoulder to the two sets of eyes peering around the door. The girls saw you and quickly disappeared, but it didn't stop your face from warming when you realized they must have been whispering about Marcus being in your home so early in the morning.
"Some, yes," you replied. You swallowed thickly and stretched your arm towards the dining area. "Would you join me before you leave?"
"Of course, thank you," Marcus said, straightening his spine and following you into the room to sit at your table, where the two servants had already begun to place some food.
After you had filled your plates, you ate in silence, the only sound coming from the cleaning being done in the kitchen. As you stared down at your plate, you felt your stomach churn. The thought of eating while your husband lied dead somewhere in the city made you sick.
"What happens now?" you asked. Marcus set his fork down to look at you. "His body? Where is it? What do I need to do?"
"I was hoping to take some of his clothes to the mortuary while I am here," he said. "Whatever you prefer he be buried in, of course. If it is too much, I can assist in planning the ceremony."
"I do not wish to make a spectacle of it," you told him. "Antonius would not have cared for that."
"I will be sure to keep it small. The men will understand."
Marcus kept his promise. He planned most of the ceremony on your behalf and even stood valiantly at your side the entire time. He supplied the two coins for you to place upon your husband's closed eyes, then led you back home. You cried more tears you ever thought possible in the eight days you spent mourning while soldiers came to pay their respects in small groups, all the while Marcus sat by your side like a pillar of strength.
Once the typical mourning period passed, you expected Marcus to go back to his life where he might occasionally check in on you to uphold his promise, but to your surprise, he stopped by your home every day. It wasn't always the same time of day, nor for the same length of time, but every single day for months, you saw one another.
Eventually, you fell into a routine once a week where he would escort you to the markets. With your basket looped around one arm and your other hand tucked into the crook of his elbow, you meandered down the street together, wandering slowly from stall to stall until you gathered all the goods you needed for the week.
"I wish you would have kept the girls," Marcus told you for the third time that week. "I would have paid-"
"It was not about money," you reminded him, picking up a ripe piece of fruit and testing the firmness between your fingers. "It was unnecessary, I told you this already. What do I need servants for? To cook food for one? I hired them in anticipation of having children. My dream of being a mother is gone."
"You could remarry."
You scoffed and rolled your eyes before placing the fruit back and moving on.
"You know as well as I that suitors look for an untouched woman," you said quietly so that you couldn't be overheard.
Marcus remained silent by your side as you continued to stroll. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining but it wasn't terribly hot, and there was a slight breeze in the air, bringing with it the scent of lemon trees from a nearby orchard. You were about to open your mouth to remark on the perfect weather when Marcus spoke.
"I could help you find a suitor."
You twisted around and looked up at him in surprise. The sun glistened off his tanned, battle-scared face, his dark eyes gazing down at you without the faintest glimmer of humor.
"You are serious."
"If you like," he said, "I know there are some higher ranking officers who are still unwed. I would never bring any man who Antonius would not approve of."
The idea of moving on left you speechless. It was something you knew you should do, that otherwise you would live a long and lonely life, but it still unsettled you.
"Perhaps," you said slowly, then looked away. Marcus noticed your discomfort and patted your hand.
"If you are not ready, we can wait."
You nodded, pinching your lips together as you pretended to look at some flowers.
"And what of you, Acacius?" you asked, changing the subject. "Are you searching for a bride?"
Marcus chuckled and shook his head. "I fear the emperors have chosen war as my betrothed. It was a rare act of kindness they have allowed me this time of rest and mourning."
Your heart clenched in your chest, realizing for the first time that some day soon, Marcus would be sent off to a faraway land once again, leaving you all alone. Suddenly, the perfect weather and the sounds of the market was not enough to keep a smile on your face. You struggled to make sense of the mixed emotions you were feeling but did your best to shrug them off and carry on.
What you didn't realize that right next to you, Marcus was wrestling with the same uncertainty.
Just as you both expected but didn't want to acknowledge, three weeks later Marcus received word he was to lead Rome's army across the sea to conquer yet another distant city. When you heard the soft knock at your door far too early one morning, you sat up in bed, dread filling your chest.
With a cloak wrapped tightly around you, you slowly padded towards your door, only opening it timidly after taking a deep, shaky breath.
Marcus stood on the other side, clad in his black battle armor with a look of regret once again. Your heart sank as you tried not to slump against the doorframe.
"Come in," you said meekly. He nodded, jaw tense, and stepped inside your home the same way he had been every day for six months, only this time he set his sword by the door and turned to address you.
"I have my orders," he began, "I will be gone for a month or two, but I have asked a trusted retired general to check in on you in my absence."
You nodded and blinked away the tears that welled up in your eyes, but you weren't quick enough. Two fell down your cheeks and your lower lip quivered when his face softened and he stepped forward.
"Be brave," he murmured, cupping your jaw and swiping the tears away with his thumb. It was the most intimate thing he had done since you have known him. "I will return and escort you to the market in no time. Until then, do try to stay out of trouble. I do not want Julius to write of you injuring yourself chasing after the crows in your garden again."
You laughed as more tears spilled down your face. "I will try."
He smiled down warmly at you, eyes scanning your face and palm still cradling your jaw. You both felt something shift in that moment. The air grew thicker when your eyes met and your heart flipped when his gaze briefly fell to your lips. Your fingers itched to touch him, to pull him close and dispel of the gap between you, but you hesitated. Unknowingly, Marcus was doing the very same, swallowing nervously at the butterflies in his stomach, something he hadn't felt in years with a woman. But neither of you acted on your feelings, for the ghost of your husband still lingered in the room.
You cleared your throat and gently took his hand, the one that was pressed against your cheek, and pulled it down to hang between you.
"Please try not to die."
Marcus grinned and the air in the room instantly lifted.
"I will try."
Begrudgingly, he let go of your hand and took a step back. "I will return before you know it. And when I do," he said, bending to pick up his sword, "I expect to be inundated with all the exciting rumors around the city, first thing."
You bit your lower lip and swiped the back of your had across your cheek.
"I promise."
Marcus gave you one last lingering glance before forcing his feet to move. You watched with a heavy heart as he made his way down your walk, towards the road, towards the direction of the sea. From where you stood, you could just see the tops of the warships, their sails already fluffed in the dimness of the sliver of sun peaking over the horizon.
As it turned out, Julius was quite good company. He was old enough to have all grey hair and deep wrinkles around his eyes. He walked with a limp, which was assisted by a cane he had whittled when he was a much younger man. He would share a meal with you or sit in your garden a couple times a week, and he would tell you stories of war, his family, and the exciting adventures he had experienced throughout his long life.
"My wife passed on three years ago," he told you one morning while you watched the sun break through the clouds and warm up your vegetable garden, which was growing at a substantial rate. "She had grown quite ill for a long time. She suffered greatly, and it broke my heart to not be able to ease her burden."
You frowned and gently took his hand in yours. "I am so sorry, Julius. But I am sure she was grateful for every moment she had with you."
He smiled at you, yellowing teeth peeking out behind his lips.
"We had a lovely life together. I feel such sadness that you and Antonius were not afforded the same luxury."
"As do I," you sighed, then turned to look back out at your peaceful little garden. "But the time we had together was good. He was a kind and strong man. Marcus told me once in this very garden how he died. That he was saving the life of a young, scared soldier. He sacrificed himself for that young man, because that was the type of soul he had. Always looking out for others."
Julius ignored your slip of the tongue, using Marcus's informal name, and instead hummed quietly next to you as he considered your words.
"He sounds as though he would want you to find another," he said after a beat. "Am I wrong?"
You shrugged and fiddled nervously with the hem of your tunic.
"I suppose he would."
"So... will you allow yourself to find happiness once again?"
You pressed your lips together, gaze falling to your lap. "I would like to, but..."
You trailed off, cheeks burning from guilt. Julius gave you a moment before he spoke again.
"Do not tell me you cannot find any suitors. You are a beautiful woman."
You laughed and shook your head.
"I have not been interested in seeking out a courtship," you said, but Julius could hear the hesitation in your voice. Slowly, realization dawned on him.
"Acacius is a good man."
You whipped your head to the side, eyes wide with shock. "What are you implying?"
Julius shrugged. "He told me he has been here to visit you every day since the passing of your husband. He knows much about you, about your life. Spoke to me for what felt like hours before he left."
"Well, yes, he has been assisting me due to a past obligation he promised my husband," you assured him, sitting up straight.
"And what if he has been assisting you simply because he enjoys your company?" Julius asked. "That, perhaps, something has grown amongst the anguish, tethering his heart to your doorstep?"
You sputtered in surprise, struggling to come up with something to say. Julius just chuckled and patted your leg before standing.
"I am simply an old man," he told you, grabbing his cane and putting all his weight on the wood. "But I have experienced love. Despite what you may think, Acacius cares deeply for you, of that I am certain. And I do believe you feel the same for him."
He left you frozen on the worn bench in your garden, mind reeling and heart fluttering wildly in your chest. He spoke the very words you wished you could admit. Even in the solitude of your home, you could never say just how much you had grown to care for Marcus. And now that the words were out there, floating around in the summer breeze, you couldn't think about anything else.
Marcus had been gone nearly three months. Not one. Not two. But three whole months. Fear gripped your throat every passing day until finally you were walking along the shore one morning and far off in the distance, you could see the ships on the horizon. They were just a handful of black triangles, but you couldn't stop grinning. As each hour passed, they got closer and closer, pulling in groups of people all day long to watch, but they were so far away that by the time the sun set, all had retreated to their homes. It was too dark to watch the ships arrive, and citizens knew there would be a celebration in the morning, so everybody chose to go home and rest.
Everybody except for you.
You sat on the shore, the sea breeze whipping through your hair and cutting across your cheeks. You shivered from the spray of the ocean but you stood your post valiantly. When the first of the ships reached the docks, you stood and bounced nervously from foot to foot, yet still kept your distance.
It took nearly an hour for the ships to unload, but even in the darkness of night with only the dull flames from their lanterns to guide them, you saw a flash of bright red and your hands clamped excitedly over your mouth.
He was home. He lived and he was safe.
He was calling out orders to his men and ushering workers onto the ships to assist with the fallen and injured soldiers, his red cape draped around his broad shoulders, billowing in the wind. When he turned away to walk up the dock, head hung low and bones likely weary from battle, you couldn't hold back any longer.
"Acacius!"
His head snapped up and his eyes locked onto you immediately. Instantly, his face brightened and he smiled wide. His pace quickened to reach you and yours did the same until you finally found yourselves standing just a mere foot away, gazing up at his tired but happy face.
Neither of you knew what to say. Instead, you both let your eyes rake up and down the other, examining each other for any differences or maybe just to confirm it wasn't all a dream.
"You did not die," you breathed, both of you laughing.
"I did not," he said, smile still stretched across his face. A shiver shot down your spine at the sight of him, all tall and imposing and real. He quickly shed himself of his cape and wrapped it around your shoulders, pulling you close against his armor and breathing you in.
"You smell of the sea. How long have you been here?"
"All day," you confessed, already feeling warmer. He tutted under his breath and nodded towards the sleeping city.
"I will walk you home and tomorrow, we shall celebrate."
You allowed him to lead you through the streets, listening to him tell you tales, but none of battle. He told you of the different animals he saw, about a terrible storm that gripped the army for three straight days, and how a drunken solider swore up and down he spotted a mermaid and had the whole ship poking fun at him for the remainder of the voyage.
You walked past the statue of him that was erected in the center of the city after his last victory and you grinned.
"I have not seen you in so long, I began to think this is what you looked like."
Marcus rolled his eyes and tugged you closer. "I am sorry it took longer than expected. I trust Julius kept you in good company?"
"He was wonderful," you told him honestly, then nervously added, "but I would have preferred you."
If it wasn't so dark, you would have seen his face flush.
"I have been told we will remain home for several months now," Marcus told you. "Emperor Geta has sought a bride. He wishes to spend the next few months planning a wedding. It sounds as though his bloodlust has been assuaged for now."
"Ah, so you are saying I get you all to myself once again?"
Marcus laughed as his face grew even warmer than before. "So it seems, my lady."
He walked you up the familiar path to your door, waiting patiently as you unlocked it and hurried inside to fetch your lantern. When you returned, you sheepishly handed him his cape with your thanks.
He did not toss it over his shoulders. Instead, he gripped it in one hand while his eyes roamed over your beautiful face. He had missed you so much that it caused an ache in his chest the whole time he was gone, mind riddled with thoughts of you to the point where he felt like a madman.
Inviting him inside would be forward and untoward. You racked your mind for a legitimate reason, but you couldn't think of a single one. So, you resigned yourself to feeling grateful he was alive and unscathed, that you could sleep peacefully knowing he was home and you would see him tomorrow.
"You will be by in the morning?" you finally asked when the silence had gone on long enough. Marcus blinked and focused on your eyes.
"Yes," he said, "first thing. I shall be here as if no time had passed at all."
You grinned and bit your lip. "Wonderful. Then... I suppose I will release you. Please go home and rest, General, you have earned it."
He nodded in agreement, then forced his feet to move away from you, even though every fiber of his being screamed at him to go the opposite direction, into your arms.
"Sleep well," he croaked, eyes still glued to your face. You smiled shyly, the reaction so endearing it had his heart leaping.
"You as well. I am glad you are home safe."
He stumbled backwards but continued to gaze at you until you giggled and slowly shut the door. Once you were hidden in the safety of your home, you took a deep, ragged breath and fanned your face. Your pulse was racing and your blood was pumping so fast, you were certain you wouldn't sleep a wink all night. Instead, you set your lantern down and began to pace around your sitting room, wondering what you should do to exhaust yourself when suddenly, you heard a sharp rap on your door.
Without thinking, you rushed to open it, already knowing exactly who it was.
"Marcus," you breathed when you laid eyes on him once again. He looked slightly different now, a little more disheveled and filled with determination. "W-what is wrong?"
You watched his throat bob nervously before he stepped forward and cupped your face.
"My apologies," he said, "but I should have done this months ago."
His neck craned down and his lips pressed urgently against yours. You melted immediately, throwing one arm around the back of his neck to pull him inside so he could kick the door closed behind him. His tongue flicked across your lower lip and your jaw dropped, granting him access to deepen the kiss.
His hands dragged down your sides, fingers plucking at the fabric of your stola as you lead him further into your home.
When you staggered into your bedroom, his eyes popped open to look around. It was modest, just like the rest of your home. A soft, large enough bed sat in the middle of the room, along with a small wardrobe and a chair that sat next to it. It was quaint and unassuming, just like you.
"Wait," he whispered, breaking the kiss. His palms still pressed against your cheeks, fingertips curling around the backs of your ears. You looked up at him, lips wet and parted, panting for air. "Are you quite sure this is what you want? We can slow down, we can wait."
"I am sure," you replied. Your hands fell to the tie on your stola, blindly undoing the knot as you continued to hold his gaze. "I thought of you every day. I feared something would happen to you and you would never know my true feelings. My heart could hardly handle the stress."
You felt the fabric slip loose and fall to the floor. Marcus's eyes darted down and with pride blooming in your chest, noticed the hungry way he looked at your naked body for the first time.
"Thoughts of you were the only thing that kept me alive," he murmured, walking you backwards to lay you down on your bed. He began to unhook his armor, all the while his eyes remained roaming over you. "You saved me more ways than I could count, my lady."
You almost told him that he saved you, as well. But something about the look in his eye told you he already knew. After the loss of Antonius, you were not the only one who felt despair. You both were broken, the memory of Marcus's dearest friend, your husband, weighing heavy on both your hearts. But finally, after months and months, you came to the realization that Marcus was your husband's final gift to you.
Once he finally rid himself of the last of his clothes, you allowed yourself a moment to take him in. He was strong and broad, just as you imagined, and his body was littered with old scars. By all accounts, he looked like a rough man, but much to your delight, his touch was soft and his kiss was tender. When he climbed on top of you, settling his hips between your legs and sliding his tongue leisurely past your teeth, you didn't feel scared. You felt safe.
The tip of his cock nudged against your inner thigh when he shifted his weight. The subtle reminder of his thick length you had only gotten a glimpse of caused you to inhale sharply.
"You are so soft," he mumbled against your mouth. His calloused hand drifted up and down your side, gently grazing along your skin before it rested on your breast, cupping the heavy flesh in his palm and rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. You moaned and lifted your back off the bed, pressing into his hold while your fingers got lost in his hair.
Something stirred inside of him when he heard the noise of pleasure escape your lips. His hips ground against you and his mouth trailed down to suck a mark on the sensitive skin of your throat, eager to pull more sounds from you. It took no time at all before you were whining and rolling your hips in rhythm with his, relishing in the feeling of his cock gliding between your folds, taunting you with his size.
The very same hand that took countless lives with the blade of his sword slipped between your bodies so he could stroke two fingers through your pussy, testing your arousal and making a pleased noise at what he found.
"Does that feel good?" he asked lowly. His chest had pressed against yours, desperate to feel as close to you as possible, with only his arm separating you.
"Yes," you gasped while wrapping your legs around his waist. It seemed you wanted to be closer, as well. "I wish to feel you. Please, my general, do not make me beg."
Marcus chuckled against your throat, fingers still petting at your entrance. "I am willing to wager you would sound so pretty begging for my cock."
You squirmed impatiently underneath him and nipped playfully at his scratchy cheek, making him smile.
"Fine. If I really must," you sighed, "please, Marcus. I have spent countless nights dreaming of all the ways you would make me yours." You felt his muscles tense and his lips paused against your neck. "I would lie in this very bed wondering what kind of lover you are, your favored position to take a woman, and how incredible it would feel to be split open by your thick cock."
Marcus reared back with a growl, fisting himself before lining up his cock at your opening. Blind with lust and need, he pushed forward, entering you with one swift pass. Your head flew back into the sheets at the sudden fullness, mouth opening and closing pathetically, unable to formulate a single sound.
"Breathe," Marcus reminded you when he fell forward to rest on his forearms which were braced on the sides of your head. "Breathe for me, my love."
You forced yourself to drag in a shuddering breath, the pressure between your legs stealing all your attention. You couldn't stop yourself from glancing down, mouth agape, to see where you were joined, almost as if you couldn't believe it unless you looked. Seeing yourself stretched around his considerable girth shook loose a shattered noise from the back of your throat. His nose brushed against the side of your head and you heard a similar noise from him when he followed your gaze.
"Look how beautiful," he murmured before slowly pulling back his hips, leaving just the tip of his cock nestled snugly inside your cunt. Your eyes widened when you saw how his length glistened in the candlelight, soaked with your arousal, then moaned his name into the night air when he sunk back inside you, parting your walls and carving a spot for himself to claim as his own.
"You are so tight," he grunted, jaw clenched from the way you squeezed around him every time he thrusted back inside you. "Next time, I will make you come from my tongue and fingers first. But tonight, I simply could not wait."
You huffed a breathless laugh and dragged your eyes up to meet his. "I had no idea the fearsome General of Rome was so indecent."
Marcus lifted the corner of his mouth in a smirk. "I look forward to showing you just how indecent I am."
With every thrust, he drove himself deeper, knocking the air from your lungs each time the tip of his cock met a place inside you that had your back arching off the bed and your nails leaving red marks down his back.
Your hips burned from how wide you stretched and your skin tingled everywhere his lips touched. He was gentle, but assertive, a lethal combination you didn't know you needed until it was between your legs, whispering filth in your ear while ramming himself inside of you over and over.
You whispered his name, voice broken and raspy, then said, "I am close... please, please-"
Before you had a chance to realize what was happening, he rolled over, pulling you with him so you sat slumped over his chest. You blinked and looked around before pushing yourself up. Straddling his hips, you gazed down at him, eyes unfocused and hazy with desire.
"I now see why I never felt the urge to seek out a wife," he whispered, watching when you got your bearings and began to bounce in his lap. His fingers gripped your hips, indenting your skin and helping you move. "None could ever compare to you. You are more beautiful than any flower, taste better than any sweet-" He groaned when you began to circle your hips faster, grinding down on him and breathing heavily. "Your eyes shine brighter than any star. And this fucking cunt-" he growled, roughly grabbing at your ass so he could pull you up and down on his shaft. You cried out, fingers scrambling for purchase on his chest. "Best fucking cunt I ever had. Gods above, Rome could be in flames and it would not keep me from between your legs."
"Marcus," you whined, gasping for air while the pressure mounted low in your belly. "So deep... s-so deep, I can hardly breathe."
"Come for me," he commanded, "come on my cock. I wish to see the look on your beautiful face when you fall apart."
Moments later, you did just as he asked. Your eyes squeezed shut but stars burst behind your lids as your orgasm rolled through you, hitting you in waves that had you cursing and crying his name. The blood rushing in your ears was so loud, you didn't even realize he was speaking until his massive hands lifted you off with an urgency that had your eyes snapping back open. When you looked down, he was furiously stroking his cock, chin tilted towards the ceiling and bronzed chest glistening with sweat.
As quickly as you could, you slid down to the floor, kneeling between his thighs and pulling on his free hand for attention. When he saw you gazing up at him with your mouth open, spent but eager for his seed in your mouth, he whimpered and pushed himself up.
"Stick out your tongue," he whispered. You did as he asked, a shiver shooting down your spine when you heard his voice so thick with desire.
The fat head of his cock rested on your warm tongue. When his eyes met yours, you preened at the instant look of relief you saw half a second before he spilled down your throat.
His jaw hung open wide, hypnotized as he watched thick streams of his seed paint your lips and tongue. It wasn't until he was milked dry and exhausted that he let go of his cock. With parted lips, he gently lifted your chin, closing your mouth and nodding at you to swallow. He gave you a satisfied smile when your throat bobbed and you licked your lips, shaking his head in disbelief.
"And you speak of indecency," he said, voice hoarse.
You giggled and climbed into his lap, slinging your arms around his neck and nuzzling against his throat. With a deep sigh, he leaned back, pulling you with him until your bodies were stretched out across your bed, limbs tangled together while you caught your breath.
"Will you stay?" you asked meekly as you traced invisible shapes over his chest. He kissed the top of your head and gently squeezed your arm.
"Of course."
You laid just like that, holding one another with only the sound of insects outside your window filling the silence. Eventually, Marcus shifted a bit and your chin tilted up.
"Are you..." he began, then you watched him swallow nervously as his eyes darted up towards the ceiling before trying again. "Do you feel any regret? Or... guilt?"
You turned so your chin rested on top of his chest. "No. Do you?"
He shook his head but kept his eyes pinned to the ceiling.
"Not anymore. But months ago, when I began to see you differently... yes, I did."
You pressed a soft kiss against his skin, making his eyes drift back down to you. "I believe I denied my feelings for a very long time for the same reason," you admitted, "but while you were gone, it afforded me the time to think. And I have concluded Antonius sent you to me for a reason. He requested you take care of me should anything happen." You shrugged and rested the side of your head against his shoulder. "I believe he trusted you more than anybody in his life. He would have been happier I chose you rather than some stranger."
He considered your words for a moment before nodding and turning on his side. You smiled up at him sleepily with your head resting on the inside of his bicep. He cupped your cheek and, after searching your eyes, slotted his lips with yours for a tender kiss.
"Do you think we can share a fruitful life together?" he asked with his thumb brushing absentmindedly against your cheek.
"Oh, yes. You ought to see my vegetable garden. I hardly need to go to the market for much any more," you joked.
He laughed, dark eyes sparkling in the dim candlelight.
"That is a good start," he said, and you giggled. When you both quieted down, he gave you another kiss before saying, "I would be honored to take care of you for the rest of our days, if that is something you want."
"It is," you replied a little too quickly.
His face lit up at your eagerness. "Good. Then let us rest. Tomorrow at the ceremonies, I shall announce our pending nuptials."
And although it felt a little fast, you didn't argue.
Marcus followed through with his promise, as he always did. The following morning, you both dressed in your finest clothes to attend the celebrations being held at the arena. It was never something you enjoyed attending, the ritual of sacrifice feeling barbaric, but on that particular day you didn't mind. You sat with Marcus in the emperor's box, a place you only ever saw from afar. He introduced you to the emperors and you tried your best not to let your nerves show. Before the games began, Marcus announced his plans to wed, which was met with polite acclaim by those seated in the box.
"That was a little scary," you admitted quietly to Marcus once everyone had found their seats and the first fight began. The loud cheering and yelling drowned out anything you said, but you still kept your voice low.
"Nothing to be scared of, my lady," he assured you with the squeeze of your hand. You smiled when he brought your knuckles to his lips for a brief kiss. "I told you I would protect you for the rest of our days."
Happiness bloomed in your chest, excited for what your future held. But there was one thing you knew for certain:
As long as Marcus was by your side, you would never know sadness again.
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fanfiction isn’t enough, I need to chew on him
just me & ‘joel miller x reader’ against the world
Me every single night:
Pride and Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright
REST IN PEACE DONALD SUTHERLAND (1935–2024)
warm bread & honey
pairing: jackson!joel x reader word count: 3,325 warnings: a little sprinkling of angst if you squint hard enough, briefest mentions of past injuries, no descriptions of reader, use of a nickname, no y/n, just soft and cozy post tlou season one joel deserves estimated reading time: 17 minutes summary: joel returns home to you from patrol ao3: linked
a/n: it's been a while, eh? had to take an unplanned hiatus but trying to figure out how to jump back in - figured a good place to start was by clearing out my wip's. this had been semi-finished for a while, but I wasn't sure it'd fit, then I figured I should just post it - a reminder of writing for yourself first, right?
“The teapot is hot!” You warned when you heard the familiar drag of one of the kitchen chairs being pulled out against the worn wooden floor. The ceramic pot, not long filled with hot water and tea, was made in anticipation of the completion of your morning's baking you had started in the early hours, unable to sleep for tossing and turning.
You had both hands gloved and inside the oven pulling out a loaf of bread, but your forewarning hadn’t been enough to prevent the hissed curse that sounded from behind you.
Carefully placing the fresh loaf atop the stove, its smell filled the kitchen and enveloped you in a comforting embrace, though it could be easily argued that feeling had more to do with the house's new arrival than anything else.
“I told you it was hot,” you admonished as you pulled off the oven gloves turning around to find a sheepish Joel sitting at the kitchen table, you gave him a warm smile, “Hi.”
Joel, his jacket already shrugged off and in the process of rolling up his sleeves gave you an equally comforting smile, one that said he was pleased to see you after days apart, “Hi,” he replied.
Throwing the gloves to the counter you took the three wide steps to close the distance between the two of you. Just the knowledge of him being home, seeing him in one piece, was enough to release the tension that sunk into your bones every time he went on patrol or for anything that required leaving the safety of Jackson’s confines.
As you took that final step, watching him turn in his seat to throw his jacket over the back of the chair beside him, the early morning light filtered through the window, casting a soft glow over the kitchen and highlighting the subtle signs of weariness on his face. Despite the tired weathered lines and the shadows beneath his eyes, his smile when he looked back up at you was genuine, a silent testament to the comfort he found in simply being back home, back with you.
“You look like you’ve been through it,” you observed, your voice a gentle blend of concern and welcome.
Joel shrugged, a low chuckle escaping him as he subconsciously ran his fingers down to his side, the subtle movement betraying the discomfort he tried to dismiss, “It’s nothin’ darlin’. Just the cold reminding me I’m not as young as I used to be,” he said, attempting to downplay the lingering pain from the old jagged scar at his side.
His attempt to brush off his discomfort didn't fool you; you knew him too well to deny the nuance of his movements as something else, his attempts to hide the silent hiss under his breath. You reached out, your fingers tracing the air just shy of the old wound, a silent acknowledgment of the battles he'd weathered, both external and internal.
Joel's gaze held yours, a flicker of vulnerability in his eyes before he masked it with a lopsided smile.
The morning light, now brighter, spilled into the kitchen, casting long shadows and highlighting the fine dust particles dancing in the air. It was serene, a quiet moment shared between the two of you. Your hip propped against the heavy farmhouse table your hand reached out instinctively to touch his arm, feeling the cold that he’d carried in through the front door seeping from his skin through his now rolled-up sleeves.
“How about,” your fingers toyed with the buttons that did up the front of his shirt, “you let me run you a warm shower,” you suggested, knowing all too well he wouldn’t admit to the true discomfort of the aches the cold weather brought to his old wounds.
Joel’s eyes, a mix of fatigue and the warmth of finally being home met yours. For a moment he seemed to weigh the offer, the stubborn part of him that disliked admitting any form of weakness at war with his need to sink into you. Finally, his resolve melted away, a soft smile escaping him as he gave into the warmth of your proposition.
A smirk appeared on his lips, “Only if you’re joining me.”
You laughed, it was light and genuine with the heaviness of Joel’s absence lifted, his return sweeping out the heavy air that always settled in with each departure.
“I suppose, that can be arranged,” you teased, a knowing look passing between the two of you.
Joel’s smile widened as he leaned back in his chair, the wood creaking as if welcoming back an old friend, “Is that right darlin’?”
“Fresh sheets on the bed too.”
He raised an eyebrow, a silent question lingering in that simple gesture. You’d been together for quite some time and yet still he was touched with disbelief that this was life, that anticipation of the domesticity you brought him, something he had believed he’d ever get to indulge in again.
“Well, don’t you know how to welcome a man home,” his smirk deepening into an expression of gratitude.
He stood from the chair, his movements still carrying evidence of his fatigue and the hollow ache in his bones. The faintest grimace crossed his face, quickly replaced by a lazy grin as he caught your disapproving look. He shooed you through the kitchen door to avoid any potential fussing, a light touch to your lower back, guiding you to the stairs.
The house was still, the only sound was the soft creak of the floorboards underfoot and the distant whistle of the wind outside, a stark contrast to the warmth inside.
The shower’s sound filled the bathroom, echoing off the tiled walls within the shower stall. Steam filled the room as you helped Joel out of his clothes, finally resigned to giving in to your care and attention. With each piece of clothing shed, dropped to the floor, revealed more of the toll the patrol had taken on his body.
He let out a hiss as your fingers grazed over new dark bruises, shadows under his skin in a mottled watercolour display in purple and blue. Despite his attempts to downplay it, the patrol had clearly been a tough one.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he said gruffly, catching the concern on your face, swiftly replaced with a roll of your eyes in response.
Joel stepped into the shower, and let out a soft groan as the hot water cascaded over his sore body. He bowed his head under the stream as he braced one hand against the shower wall. Stripped of your own clothes, you stepped in behind him, hands coming to rest on his hips. Slowly, your fingers began to knead the tense muscles along his back, feeling him quickly relax into your touch.
“Rough one out there this time,” he muttered, a tinge of bitterness in his tone as his eyes closed at your touch.
In the safety of the intimate space of the shower, the water releasing the tension from his shoulders, there was a vulnerability that Joel seldom showed.
You reached for the soap, lathering it between your hands before gently applying it to his shoulders. Carefully you worked the soap over his body in a meticulous order, paying extra attention to the areas marred by bruises. When you reached the back of his head you massaged your fingers into his hair with a gentleness that was born out of years of shared moments just like that one.
Joel tilted his head back into your touch, a deep moan escaped his throat as your nails scratched at his scalp, fingers tangling in the curls that had grown longer with the winter weather and his reluctance to stay on top of trimming it. After a moment or two, begrudgingly, you took your fingers from his hair. He bowed his head under the shower head once again to allow the hot water to rinse out the suds.
Your eyes traced the scars that adorned his back and shoulders like constellations. You could shut your eyes and still map out each one without any hesitation. Many a night, you had traced the lines of his back as he lay on his stomach with you lying next to him. Your fingers brushed strokes over its curves as you talked, sometimes of life before Jackson, life before everything stopped. You would talk about those you missed, who didn’t make it, left behind in a world that was no longer recognizable. Other times, silence was enough, a gentle shroud draped over the two of you.
With the suds long rinsed out, he turned to face you. His eyes softened as he took in the sight of you. There was a time when this look made you feel vulnerable and far too exposed, with your own scars, those both visible and not, on full display. But now it brought you comfort, that familiarity between the two of you had grown into something precious.
“You look after me too well, darlin’,” Joel’s voice was a low rumble, barely audible over the shower’s spray.
“Who else is going to?” you replied, a hint of amusement to your tone as you pushed back an errant curl from his forehead.
Leaning in, he captured your lips in a slow, tender kiss. The familiar scratch of his beard against your skin felt like home. His breath hitched as you moved your hands around his hips and up the curve of his back, your nails a light scratch against his skin. A sigh of contentment passed between you both, carried away by the steam rising around you.
Pulling back for a moment, his need to pause in the moment, to take it all in, his eyes met yours and you couldn’t help but notice the affection they held, a far contrast from when you’d first laid eyes on Joel Miller. The man you had first met was skittish, kept quiet in his new arrival in Jackson. You’d met him that night at the Tipsy Bison, Eugene regaling the room with a story of your day's misfortune and you’d made your way to the bar to avoid the heckles.
What started as casual conversations at the bar on more than one occasion turned into shared meals in the main hall, Joel too polite to leave when you joined him, then the odd patrols together, and eventually late nights spent in each other's company neither wanting the night to end.
His thumbs gently caressed your cheeks, and you leaned into his touch, your eyes closed at the sweet gesture. He pressed his lips to yours once more. The hot water continued to cascade over you both, creating a warm cocoon you didn’t ever want to leave. Your hands returned to his hips, taking their time as they moved from the curve of his broad shoulders down to his narrow waist.
“Feels good,” Joel murmured against your lips, his voice husky and thick with gratitude, his eyes half closed as he rocked into the movement of your fingers as they pressed into the tight muscle once again. “But if you keep that up honey, I fear one of us is going to put their back out tryin’ something in this shower we have no business trying. Anyway,” he continued, “didn’t you say something about clean sheets?”
You laughed, as you continued to knead his hips, “I might have mentioned it,” you replied as you gave him a playful pinch.
Joel’s laughter joined yours, a deep, comforting sound that resonated against the tiled walls. Amidst the steam and cascading water it felt precious, a rare moment of lightness that felt almost sacred in its intimacy.
The two of you finished your shower with a comfortable efficiency in a silent communication that spoke of the years and experiences you’d shared.
Once dried and wrapped in freshly laundered towels you led Joel by the hand to the bedroom where the promise of fresh sheets awaited, The morning sun had begun to fill the room with a soft golden light that made everything feel a lot more peaceful than the days gone by in Joel’s absence. The bed, freshly made in the early hours when you’d given up on any attempts of sleep, beckoned the two of you to rest and to find solace in each other now both its inhabitants were home.
Joel sat on the edge, his movements slow, a mixture of exhaustion and lingering discomfort. You watched him for a moment, his face bathed in the winter’s sun the lines of his face were softened and for a moment you felt like you were getting a small glimpse of a younger Joel as he closed his eyes and lifted his head to soak in the scant warmth it brought. You felt a surge of gratitude for his safe return, to the quiet life the two of you had managed to carve out together in a world that offered no guarantees.
Joel cracked open an eye to look at you at the end of the bed, “You can come on over honey, don’t have to watch from the cheap seats.”
You shook your head as you laughed, no hesitation in following his invitation. You positioned yourself in front of him as he spread his knees to make room for you to nestle between them, bringing your chest flush with his. Carefully he began to peel the towel from around you, his fingers grazing your skin with a gentleness that belied the strength within them.
As the towel dropped to the floor at your feet, you reached up to touch his face, tracing the lines that time had etched into his skin, each one a testament to the life he had lived. He caught your hand in his, pressing a kiss to the palm before guiding you down to follow him as he lay on the bed.
The sheets, cool and inviting, contrasted with the warmth that radiated from Joel as he pulled you closer. The world outside the window seemed to hold its breath, the light that fell across the room created a haven from the chaos that lay beyond. There with him beside you, for the briefest of moments you could just pretend that it was a regular Saturday morning, just like the ones before the world had changed, where the two of you could have simply been another regular couple.
You closed the space between you, your fingers tangling in his damp locks while his lips met yours. The kiss was soft but held an air of a fight of urgency against the need to savour the moment. Your fingers tangled in his hair, his teeth nipped at your bottom lip, swollen in response to both his kisses and his three-day beard.
A soft moan escaped your mouth, causing a growl to rumble in Joel’s chest in response. His arms wrapped tighter around you. It was always the way when he returned, he never rushed, took every moment in slowly, savouring every touch, every sound that he pulled from you. His lips found your neck, his beard scraping the sensitive skin, sending shivers down your spine as his lips continued to graze a path from your earlobe to your collarbone.
He nuzzled at your jaw, his kisses light and teasing causing you to squirm in delight as you tried to pull his mouth to yours. His laughter was low and husky in your ear as instead he pulled back to look at you. His eyes were alight despite the tiredness that framed them and you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face as your hand found his cheek and he leaned into your embrace.
The tiny bit of warmth of the morning sun framed the two of you, amplified by the heat that had built between you both, wrapped around you like a blanket, comfortable and familiar. His lips found yours again, unable to be parted for too long. His hand cupped your hip, his fingers pressing into you as if testing if you were really there, if the moment was real between the two of you. Confident he had a hold of you, he rolled over onto this back, bringing you with him so that you were straddling him.
Both hands now at your waist his thumbs stroked absent-minded circles against your skin. You glanced down at him, taking in the sight of his now closed eyes and relaxed features. His exhaustion was apparent more than ever. But the sight of pure contentment on his face made your heart flutter.
The air between you was charged with static, which only seemed to grow in intensity with each breath, each touch, and each whispered word. The worries you’d had during his absence, tied up alongside the knot in your stomach were now coming undone with the soothing balm of his presence.
You leant forward again, this time your lips met his in a simple chaste kiss that had him humming appreciatively beneath you as he moved his hands to the small of your back. Just as you were about to deepen the kiss, a sudden slam of what sounded like the back kitchen door punctuated the serene atmosphere, startling the two of you and Joel to grip onto you a little tighter. The muffled sounds of footsteps and voices drifted up the stairs bursting what was left of the bubble of intimacy you and Joel had carefully cultivated.
“Ah, sweet! Honey made bread!” Ellie’s voice, unmistakable and filled with loud delight echoed up through the house, followed by another voice that you had to strain to hear, Dina, a lot more soft-spoken than Ellie.
“Looks like they left in a rush,” Dina said as you heard cupboards being opened and closed with such ferocity that it could only be Ellie. Joel shook his head beneath you as the two of you waited to hear more of what was happening downstairs, “Ellie, didn’t Joel just get home from patrol?”
A brief silence passed, you could’ve sworn you could have heard a pin drop as the whole house seemed to hold its breath. Then came a flurry of whispered curses from Ellie, her realization finally dawning on her.
“Oh shit,” she exclaimed, before raising her voice, a mixture of haste and apology in one, “Welcome home Joel! Sorry Honey! You two, keep doing your thing—ouch!” you could only assume Dina had stopped Ellie in her tracks before she said something she shouldn’t, “Anyway, we’re leaving! But we’re taking the bread!”
Joel rolled his eyes as Ellie and Dina continued to bicker as they left the kitchen. It wasn’t until you both heard the satisfying click of the kitchen lock that you both let out a laugh. The interruption had shattered the tension between the two of you, leaving you both in a fit of laughter.
As the laughter subsided, you brushed a thumb over his rough cheek as he stifled a yawn, closing his eyes and leaning into your touch once more. Another kiss to his lips before you rolled yourself off of him to lay down beside him, but still just as close. He pulled you in against his chest, your head finding a home in the crook of his neck, his arms holding you tight, his fingers tracing imagined patterns on your bare skin.
He was home, you could hear the steady sound of his heartbeat in your ear. Outside the wind picked up in spite of the early peaceful sun that rose over Jackson. A reminder that despite the peace Joel’s return had brought, there still was a looming threat outside its boundaries, its frozen breath seeping through wooden walls. You held onto him a little tighter, knowing that despite wishing that you both could be a normal couple in a life full of normalities, the time you had together was tenuous at best.
