Roshambo

[joeshambo]

Big Long Now- from junkyard to landfill (my war)

Okay so I highly doubt anyone views this blog independently, regularly, or really at all. Maybe a couple of stray clicks out of curiousity but probably nothing too intense.

I made my last post around the end of my 2018 rehab tour, which was filled with misery, suicidal thoughts, severe pain, changes, fleeting euphoria, acceptance, survival, homelessness, violence, injury and huge changes to the way I think. 

It all started in late march 2018. I had grown tired of waking up each morning to schlep all the way to the methadone clinic and not be able to urinate due to stress, have to meet with a therapist, or just out of plain sickness of life. My weight had dropped from a healthy 220 to 140 in a little less than a year. This started, along with so many changes in my thinking and inhibition, when I was hit over the head with a drinking glass on July 7 2017 by a friend. an insane, flipped out, drugged out friend. And I was in the same condition.

Long story short, the head injury was located around the area of the left frontal lobe. As soon as I got home on the train I rushed home, took all the opioids I had and scrounged the floor for spice with a vengence. This is how the next.. long time would look. Combined with the feeling of my favorite stimulant, dexmethylphenidate starting to shit the bed after 3 solid years of service.

I spent alot of 2017 and early 2018 just drugged out of my mind on speed, coke, weed ,spice,adderall,benzos,opiates,ritalin.. Just everything, And my selfishness came to a head in early April 2018 when I got in a fight over my parents after they ruined an LSD+coke high and made me extremely agitated. Well this isnt due to selfishness per se just the addictive void my selfishness led me to. I wasn’t trying to bother anyone, just to enjoy some chemicals without the bruhaha of being yelled at, insulted and intruded upon by my father.

In a nutshell, I slashed my stomach with a rusty machete, threw a buddha statue through a window, ran off into a creek and started to build myself a hut with reeds and leaves.

Yeah. Thats how 5 years of addiction end. Psychwarded for a month against my will. My memory of that place wasn’t that bad, as I was still being given the 90mg of methadone daily, along with some other comfort meds. I did have a lot of interesting conversations there and overall it wasn;t that bad.

The next place, and the dozens following that, for the most part, have been some of the worst months I’ve had in my entire life. Next time I will share with you the entirety of the 2018 fiasco and my return to grace but with a new found bitterness.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the blog

[joeshambo]

Two way balance of the Universe

I’m going to make a post about God, and the Universe. Yeah, I know, you hear people start to talk about God and you sigh and expect the worst. Well, the thoughts you’re going to read aren’t neccisarily all mine, I’ve been doing alot of studying, reading, and looking into many different viewpoints recently and I’ll share some with you, especially the ones that have resonated with me.

God’s universal body is a two way compensating, continuous and eternal universe of balance in every single effect of motion. Generation is radiation, compression equals expansion, red equals blue, solid matter balances the potential of its surrounding space in every single wave field and each of every opposite pair not only balances with its opposite but bornes it through sequential intercharge.

God’s universe is composed completely of pulsating electric waves, that we call matter. These pulsating waves can be referred to as the universe’s heartbeat or universal breath of God’s body. God’s body continues its manifestation of life principle by breathing outward and inward sequentially just like we do to continue existence.

Everything in the universe breathes out and in, with a rhythm. There are no exceptions. every sun, planet, moon, electron, of an atom obeys but in varying frequencies responding to their potential. Your breath frequency may be ten per minute, the suns is one cycle in 11 years.

The most obvious fact of nature is repetition of every effect of motion in two way pulsing cycles. Every cycle in nature is two way.

Gods universe of electric waves has no beginning or ending in time. It is all infinite, eternal. Forever lasting.

[joeshambo]

Finished and unfinished prints of my main alien character, Phynalzia-2201

[joeshambo]

Update about gender experience

The first post I made was pretty laced with talking about drugs, how drugs effected my gender perception, drugs drugs drugs, crossdressing makeup, fetish sexy, girly drugs, etc. You get the picture. That is probably the worst way to explain that you’re transgender to other trans and regular-gendered people (I will never in my life use the word cisgender. Yes I know the terms come from chemistry, -trans and -cis, but the word has been dirtied by the mass of insane feminist, pseudo-trans attention whores and the like.

Anyways, over the years, separate from fetishes, I’ve had a feeling inside, that I know I’m transgender, like a certainty, but it wasn’t powerful enough inside to make me do something about it immediately. Hell, my first drug use when I was 12 was due to gender-identity problems that I couldn’t comprehend because I knew nothing about the spectrum. Anyways, let me explain to you my feelings that I’m trans.

Pretty much every day when I wake up and get dressed, I really get pissed off that all I have to wear is mens clothing. It doesn’t feel right sometimes. Doesn’t match how I feel inside.

You could say that yeah I could just be a crossdresser, and hell, maybe I am. Because there are certain things that most/all transgender people experience that I don’t I don’t have gender dysphoria, I haven’t known I was transgender since childhood, and alot more experiences I don’t share. I used to go on a transgender chatroom and whenever I would explain why I think I’m transgender, every time they would say nope, its a fetish, nope youre a crossdresser.

I guess I’m just genderfluid then. Because its not purely sexual. Sometimes I feel like a woman inside and out and it has nothing to do with sex, its not arousing to wear makeup or womens clothing.

As you can tell, I’m still quite confused. I even feel ashamed talking about this. I don’t know guys. whatever....

[joeshambo]

Simulation hypothesis

Reality, as we consciously experience it, is not real, goes back to the indigenous people who believed that we exist in a dream or illusion. In our current timeline, we refer to the our virtual reality experience as a matrix, grids, simulation and hologram. There are those trying to prove the simulation exists and others who are trying to break us out of it.

Time is an illusion, therefore so is everything else. The universe is a consciousness hologram or simulation. Reality is projected illusion within. It is a virtual experiment created in linear time to study emotions. Our simulation is composed of grids created by a source consciousness brought into awareness by electromagnetic energy at the physical level. The hologram is created and linked through a web, or grid matrixes.

The hologram had a beginning ergo it has an end, as consciousness evolves in the alchemy of time. As the grids collapse, everything within the hologram will end as it Fades to Black.

In media we find films, television shows, books, and games, based on the concept of reality as a hologram/simulation Among the more easily recognized are The Matrix , The Thirteenth Floor, Inception (Dream), the Holodeck (Grids) in the TV series Star Trek, among others.

An increased understanding of artificial intelligence will bring clarity to the concept of reality is a simulation as they are virtually connected.

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The simulation hypothesis contends that reality is in fact a simulation (most likely a computer simulation), of which we, the simulants, are totally unaware. Some versions rely on the development of simulated reality, a fictional technology. The hypothesis has been a central plot device of many science fiction stories and films. There is a long philosophical and scientific history to the underlying thesis that reality is an illusion. This skeptical hypothesis can be dated as far back as Indian philosophy of Maya illusion. Read more

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Simulated reality is the hypothesis that reality could be simulated - for example by computer simulation - to a degree indistinguishable from "true" reality. It could contain conscious minds which may or may not be fully aware that they are living inside a simulation. This is quite different from the current, technologically achievable concept of virtual reality. Virtual reality is easily distinguished from the experience of actuality; participants are never in doubt about the nature of what they experience. Simulated reality, by contrast, would be hard or impossible to separate from "true" reality. There has been much debate over this topic, ranging from philosophical discourse to practical applications in computing.

[joeshambo]

Update on bupropion’s chemistry

I had speculated that the reason why bupropion is so euphoric is because the prodrug to the metabolites, or the main drug, bupropion itself, is the most effective in DA reuptake inhibition. Well, an article on pubmed begs to differ

The therapeutic effect of bupropion is presumed to be, in part, due to the antidepressant activity of 3 metabolites: hydroxybupropion, threohydrobupropion, and erythrohydrobupropion 

This might simply mean that the antidepressant therapeutic effects are expressed more due to the metabolites, not that there is less NA/DA reuptake inhibition in the main chemical.

And just to further show that the most intense effect would be through either insufflation or intravenous routes of administration, is a simple chart

the most instant forms of release have the highest plasma concentration, therefore, insufflation and intravenous would be hella more intense,

I originally didn’t feel the need to include this data due to common sense but maybe some people need it

[joeshambo]

My new music project

https://thedissociativecollective.bandcamp.com/

Haven’t really been able to make any music in a year, finally I have access to a computer and synth/drum equipment... its not the best software so for most of the music I have on there I reuploaded from other projects. I don’t consider that cheating or whatever because 1. its my  music I can do what I please with it 2. No one/hardly anyone ever listened to these songs anyway so its pretty much like using unused material, or demos, as some bands make demo packages.

Anyways, I would definately reccomend my album Affinity for Recombination, it’s basically a collection of songs that fully show my range of musical abilities and styles.. I’ll go over each song and let you know what to expect

Monoamine oxidase- A deep cutting, fast, and heavy song with alot of distortion.. extremely hard hitting drum riffs, and a strange combination of distorted bass and dissonant acoustic guitar.

Sandface- Starting off with a fast drum solo, you would expect it to go into a cutting guitar riff of some sort as the beginning of the song, but instead, you hear bass licks, consistent patterns of slappy thoughtful riffs, and later in the song it gets more insane, heavily fuzzy and distorted vocals come in, the bass starts going into fast ridiculous riffs.. and it ends with a single word ‘‘sandface’‘

Crosseyed and painless- A throwback to my old 2015 style of music with guitar tracks on multisecond delays and vocal tracks following the same style... with clear drums that hold the song together. A psychedelic demo type song that’s a cover of a Talking Heads Masterpiece.

Owners of an imperfect universe/Natural selection- This track mixes up the direction the album is going in, with a garage rock vibe and funky drums with distorted guitar leading into unsure riffs... and then suddenly .... BOOM, straight into a WAVVES-esque heavy noise rock tune with inaudible vocals.. ending with typical shambo riffs.

Tolerance Uprising- Another gem lost from 2015. Double tracked guitars with a slight delay rocking out in an angry beginning riff, fading into a consistently angry verse, and then the SCREAMING vocals come out of nowhere with a direct screamo vibe and you even hear a call-and-response from the left channel.. more intelligible singing continues, and then a decent solo. Vocals afterwards talk about anger towards a drug addict know it all (Cough.. John)

Schplew- A very ironic track. A song I wrote while I was angry as fuck towards former best friend John, performed by John and I. Apparently he didn’t realize how getting him to perform the song just solidified my angst towards the psychopath who tried to kill me with a bottle to my forehead.

Common Deleriant- Filler track, pretty loud and annoying

Soundcheck- from a Carpet Surfers session, funky drums and guitar testing

Universal Disconnect- Starts out with pure silence for a good 10 seconds and then a synthesizer playing an emotional sonata with drums to follow. A new song I made last week.

Serotonin Syndrome/Blackout- One of my first songs I ever made. A funky guitar strumming pattern with a walking bassline. Fades into Blackout, a drum machine created pattern with a guitar following over it, and then added on, a repetetive synth beep, finishes with a pitch increasing end

Unreal Aberration- WARNING, SPEAKER BREAKER. A very badly mixed TCS demo.

The 33 Conundrum- Drum and synth come together to form a thoughtful, emotional, and experimental, genre bending clash, with an irish folk vibe

Separate Ways to oblivion- One of my most emotional songs I’ve ever written, about fixing myself, self discovery, and a proto-transdiscovery song with an obvious gender vibe, clashing with hatred towards a certain lover

The hell tuner- An old track, an insane synthesizer rollercoaster

Are u straight- I don’t even know what this song is

[joeshambo]

Why you so gay fag.

atleast im not autistic

[joeshambo]

Personal feelings about gender and transitioning

Well here’s a topic I almost never talk about... I pretty much only ever talk about this to a select few friends.. a couple of my friends think its a huge fucking joke and make perpetual wisecracks about it.. yeah, I’m used to it. I’m not a precious little snowflake, I can take it, and it hardly bothers me. My point it, theres not many people I can actually talk about this to. You guys, whoever reads this blog, I’m guessing its mostly my youtube fans, some online friends who I know from youtube, nootropics pages, trianglism, etc, and a few people who I was friends with irl a very long time ago but I consider deeply formed souls, I guess are gonna pretty much be the only people I talk about this to,,, blog viewers. I might’ve lost some meaning in that run on sentence.

Anyways, my mom knows I’m transgender, my sister knows, and I’ve had a fair share of self acceptance conversations from them during times where I felt ridiculous and a fool for wearing makeup and womens clothes,

To start from the beginning, I started crossdressing when I was 12. It was the most exciting thing I ever discovered in my life at that point, I don’t remember if it was strictly a fetish, I’m pretty sure at first there was no sexual involvement or connection at all. Just wearing girly clothes made me feel..  electric. Anyway, fast forward a couple years. I would spend time, sneaking girls clothing into my room, dressing up, dancing, just acting girly.. in a sexual way. And then I’d jack off. It turned into a fetish. At that point I didn’t even consider being transgender. I was certain I just had a tranny fetish.

Fast forward again, to my meth, and heavy drug use. At age 16 I started going from a light drug user, of methylphenidate, small amounts of spice, amphetamine, and gabaergics, but always quit before it fucked up my life, to a heavy stimulant and opiate addict.

This also intersects with when my original, very sadly, forever lost, youtube channel started blowing up.. 2016. I would livestream fucked up out my mind on meth or PPX, dressed up in tight skirts and dresses, wigs, and heavy makeup.. eyeshadow, mascara, bright pink blush and deep red or purple lipstick. And I played the part. I danced, I played guitar and bass, and truly was a punk (I wasn’t trying to be, but honestly, the drug use,dressing and music, altogether, was a pretty fucking radical sight to behold. Sadly my youtube account is gone)

In early 2016 I took suboxone for the first time from a guy Chris, who I met at the bus station. Eventually we became very close, and eventually, best friends. I met him at his house on a weekly basis, buying suboxone, gabapentin and ativan from him, chillin out with him and his girlfriend. For the first time in my life I felt truly.. okay. Real friends that actually care about me. When I mentioned my transgenderism, Chris couldn’t have been more pleased. He loved it. He encouraged me to just go full blown slut mode, act as a girly as possible, just to completely flip my personality around and express non-confusing, anger-less, pure, joy in expression. I felt a little embarrased when he came up with these ideas, but it brought up a bunch of questions. I told him I was trans because I crossdressed for a long time and incase I was fucked up on meth and accidentally wore lipstick or something he would know why. But it made me think.

I remember a specific day, that I will never forget. I was in my room, home from Chris’s house, listening to Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap. It hit me in a way I never felt before. I cried so hard and thought about so many things. I’m sure my fragile emotional state was brought on by my low tolerance to the high gabapentin dose I took earlier that day, the ativan, opiates, and.. just pure feelings. Drugs can’t make you feel in ways like I felt. They can influence your mindset but cannot create emotional landscapes. 

From that point on, I started questioning my gender identity. Eventually, it just hit me. I’m transgender. I don’t have gender dysphoria like the majority of trans women, I didn’t mind being in a mans body, expected to act like a man and living as one, but taking a moment to truly imagine life as a woman, gives me hope. Gives me a reason to live. It will get better. My darkness will go away, as soon as I start, really start, my journey, take hormones, dress all the time, speak with other trans women, and learn who I am. The journey has just began, and I have a long way until I’m fully myself.

[joeshambo]

diving into oblivion

[joeshambo]

Fractal trip bro... its like dxm/dmt machines

[joeshambo]

Wicca, and my book of shadows

For the past few weeks, I’ve started studying and worshipping Wicca, a modernized form of witchcraft. Alot of people think things like this are completely ridiculous, fantasy of losers and antisocial rejects, the beliefs of schizophrenic lunatics trying to make the world spin the wrong direction. Wicca has endured a hella lot of abuse, see:

Today in the United States Wiccans are submitted to an astonishing amount of abuse by people who object to their choice of worship (see "A Fundamentalist Christians Speaks Against Wiccans" for one person's "justification" for that abuse). The fact is that Wicca is eclectic and non-dogmatic and thus there is no danger in becomming another People's Temple or anything like it. And yet Wiccan clergy are still denied clerical privilages such as performing weddings, and even the USA Army at Fort Hood, Texas is drawing hate-filled angst at Wiccans exercising their right to worship as they please (see also my brief essay on the Fort Hood story.)

That intolerance and abuse often takes on a highly irrational, insane, shrill voice, as found in The Vile "File 18." The newsletter's author pays lip service to religious freedom at the top of his hate literature, all the while slandering Wiccan, neo-Pagan, and Earth-Centric religions and the people who follow / belong to those religions. He does this in the name of "protecting babies." He hides from his readers the fact that he is a Fundamentalist Christian with the desire to persecute non-Christians; he publishes his hate newsletter from the basement of his cult [see "cult" vs. "NRM"], while using a police department's mailing address.

And sometimes that intolerance makes some people deliberately confuse Satanism with Wicca. These intolerant, ignorant people first assume that Satanists are a threat to society (which is not supported by valid evidence), and then call Wiccans, neo-Pagans, and other members of Earth-centric religions "Satanists." They know that using the word "Satanism" gets people's interest and induces fear and concern in people. These intolerant, hate-filled people are emotionally manipulating their listeners and readers by calling non-Satanists "Satanists." A fine example is one hate magazine's list of "Satanic cults" of which only 0.56% of the churches and organizations listed are in fact Satanic. (The other 99.44% are Wiccan, neo-Pagan, Pagan, Druidic, ecological, Asatru, publishers, or progressives.) Such nonsense has even become a growth industry. The fact is that Wicca / Satanism are two separate, distinct religions. A brief collection of Letters To Editor shows the ignorance of such people about Wicca: ignorance that ends up harming Wiccans. Wiccan students are even being denied the right to wear religious symbols in school (see discussion here) and a letter to the school board.

An explanation of some forms of abuse that Wiccans endure. But now I’ll get onto what Wicca is

(from my book of shadows)

Origin of Wicca

Wicca is a western movement in which followers practice witchcraft and nature worship and it can be seen as a religion.

The origins of modern Wicca are traced back to Gerald Gardner. Gardner spent most of his career in Asia, where he became familiar with a variety of occult beliefs. He also read widely in the Western Esoteric literature, including the writings of British occultist Aleister Crowley.

Gardner became involced in the British occult community and formed a new movement based on reverence of nature, the practice of magic, and worship of a female diety (Goddess)

Covens, ideally 10-15 members are groups of wiccans “witches” who combine their skill and energy to perform group rituals, new members are initiated through types of initiation rituals.

Solitary Practitioners, are witches who do not include themselves in covens and choose to practice their beliefs on their own. Solitary Practitioners sometimes practice their own self initiation.

Those are the basics of what Wicca is. I have also written about Witchcraft, the actual religion of which Wicca is based and the practices of Wiccans.

Witchcraft- a secret religion where people can express their greatest longings and aspirations without being mocked at. Archetypal reverences, arising from deep levels of unconscious.

In these days, the knowledge of a type of magic is difficult at all times to learn but through great motivation and focus of mind can be achieved.

Alleged practices-

Historically the witchcraft label has been applied to practices people believe influence the mind, body, or properties of others against their will, which is not entirely true. This kind of magic is called black magic and most wiccans disapprove of this type of expression.

Spell casting - The most widely known characteristic of a witch is the ability to cast a spell. Spell, meaning the means employed to carry out a magical action. Spells can consist of a set of words, formula or verse, ritual action, or even a meditatory state not necessarily focused on a specific invocation.

This is the first post I’ll be making about my religion, the next one will be more personal and contain spells of mine that I’ve written and performed, personal beliefs sacred to me, sacred geometry, and more.

[joeshambo]

W^ and how I cope with being in treatment

Your friendly neighboorhood Roshambo here with a new post. I just W^2 for today so I’m feeling pretty good (that’s code for snorted wellbutrin the 2nd time for today. I have to write/speak in code whenever I’m in rehab or some shit because notebooks and anything that a patient owns is subject to seizure and examination at any time.

Anyways, I’ve suffered most of the time I’ve been in treatments, atleast to some extent. I’ve always needed some escape to cope with the suffering I’ve experienced. At first, when I was in abstinence based programs, just being on gabapentin and baclofen was a coping mechanism. I would go over and over about the pharmacology of these meds in my mind on a daily basis to calm myself and convince myself that the chemistry was somehow making life not suck so bad. Pretty shitty way to cope.

Some of the PHPs I’ve been in, I’ve been able to smuggle PPX (propylhexedrine), benzedrex inhalers. Some of you might remember videos I made in the past being high on benzedrex while in rehab. This is a decent way to cope, getting high for hours and being able to acquire some once a week whenever we went shopping at walmart or whatever, but this method kind of sucked whenever I didn’t have access to comedown drugs.

At one point, which I refer to as pure low, my bedrock point, the worst my addiction got, I was at an IOP, where they let you hold onto your meds. I would do multiple benzedrex cottons a day, and take upwards of 200mg of baclofen and 5000mg gabapentin a day. I remember most of that rehabs experiences nodding out and being completely unconcious during group, sweating alot, walking 10s of miles for benzedrex, every day, being utterly exhausted by the night, and just feeling generally awful. That was the period in my life where I was pulling teeth out because of severe stress.

This is also around the time I had my first sexual experience with a tranny in my life. There was this ugly, overweight black tranny halfway through transitioning living in the group of apartments we lived at. One night, the house manager came up to me and was like ‘‘Joe, I hope you don’t take offense to this, but we have to find a new house for Jordan, none of the other guys can stand living with her, do me a favor and atleast try it out”. The manager was gay, knew I had certain sexual fluctuations, so I’m sure he expected me and Jordan (the tranny) to fuck.

We never penetrated eachother but did have many makeout sessions and jerked eachother off. I was taking her estrogen and spiro for the last 3 weeks I spent at that rehab.

At one point I was in a residential much like the one I’m at now, albeit much shittier. No computers or phones, basic cable, group daily, no subutex, and a doctor who wouldn’t even keep me on gabapentin or wellbutrin. Knew everyone abused that shit. At that place, I hyperventilated to give myself momentary euphoria, up to 50 times a day. Yes. For real. Thats how bad.

Here, my med regimen is as close to perfect as possible. I know I would be able to cope and not be completely miserable without snorting bupro, but if I took it orally, the metabolism of it would fuck with cigarettes, as the metabolites are the real nicotine antagonists. Sniffy lines bypass first pass metabolism and cause much more dopaminergic effects and less anticholinergic ones. It’s a very decent way to make the days go by. I wouldn’t say it makes me euphoric, just lets me spend 3 or so hours a day in an energetic, polyemotional and productive state of mind. I don’t interact with people much on it, although it could work in my [and their] favor. Despite being the most mentally stable I’ve been in years, I still don’t prefer socializing.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading this, inspired by approx. 130mg of insufflated bupropion, 8+4mg subutex, 2+1mg ativan, 45 nardil, 1200 gabapentin, and 40 baclofen. Oh.. and the brain of Roshambo.

:)

[joeshambo]

incomplete, I got really stuck in a stimulant thought loop of using like 17 different filters on the face coloring

[joeshambo]

The Bupropion Memoirs

I have vast experience using bupropion in many different formulations, routes of administration and with different combinations of drugs. Official bupropion is classified as a NDRI, a3b4, a4b2, and a1 nicotinergic antagonist. Its binding affinity of bupropion at the dopamine transporter are listed on a pubmed article as 526nM and 443nM, I'm not sure if they mean that on multiple studies the affinity was different, or are talking about bupropion and its main metabolite, hydroxybupropion. But for all intents and purposes, it is relatively weak binding to DA at around 500 nM. The inhibition of DA reuptake is most pronounced in the prefrontal cortex.

My first experiences with bupropion are getting prescribed it after multiple failed attempts at getting re prescribed amphetamine, and finally giving up after the most several doctors would do is script bupropion. Immediately I started researching possible recreational potential of the drug, only to be slightly dissapointed. This was around age 14. I remember the first time I snorted it, I achieved some sort of stimulant effect, slightly euphoric but nothing compared to MPH or AMP. It did cause music enhancement, but also a pretty strong restlessness which, ironically, made me crave chainsmoking cigarettes. So, ultimately, no big success on my first time. But over the course of around a week of being on bupropion, both snorting and taking orally, I began feeling amazing, so much energy and motivation. I began to to pushups compulsively, my father noticing my instant transformation from lazy fat fuck to manic exercising and was concerned. It went from a semieuphoric manic energy to a severe psychotic manic episode extremely fast. I remember being obsessed with taking apart computer peripherals to see what kind of recording equipment was inside, going deep into the heart of my computers files and checking for the tracking logs and secret government files. And I rushed from window to window to try to catch the cameramen before they hid from me. Overall, a by-the-book psychotic episode. This was my first, and only, ''true'' manic episode I've ever experienced. I've had bouts of snorting bupropion over the past few years, usually ending in dissapointment. After snorting (usually a xl pill) I felt the instant shards of glass sensation hit the back of my throat and spread to my head, feeling like my head was collapsing, having a bitter numb feeling in my mouth and uncomfortable stimulation. Most experiences were shitty but some were ok. I assume the reason why nearly all were terrible is due to my lack of taking tolerance breaks inbetween my drug abuse for a good 5 or 6 years, specifically dopaminergics. I NEVER gave my brain adequate time to reboot, restore or repair. This could also be why the last few months of my focalin runs (which I will get into in the future, as focalin was my main drug I used for years and bred many many interesting times) was filled with pure terror and adrenergic anxiety and no positive dopaminergic effects whatsoever. Same with my NDRA use towards the end.

Anyways, my abuse of all drugs stopped on 4/4/18, and didn't resume until atleast august of the same year. I spent months in multiple rehab centers, against my will, forced into the florida shuffle by the psych ward and my parents. Anyways, one good result of it is, the entire time, from 4/4 until now, 3/28, even when I was using drugs, I always had adequate restoration time and most of the time was spent in abstinence anyway, atleast from euphoriants. I did get off methadone in april and start back on subutex in november, which was ultimately a good decision. Other than that, I've been taking medicinal ativan, and recently, nardil, a MAOI antidepressant.

My use of bupropion started up again when I was in the psychward the last time, probably around... early december to mid january, my memory of that period is not that good. I ended up in a psychiatric facility after losing my shit from being in an abstinence based program for TOO LONG, I couldn't deal with the constant anxiety and pain and just flipped my fucking lid. Anyway, I was pretty damn miserable in that ward. One of the smallest, most cramped psychwards I've ever been to. But I did convice the doctor to put me back on wellbutrin. Out of pure boredom and hopeful curiosity, I snorted a 50mg tablet in my room. Instantly, something new. Straight up energy, motivation, with a lack of anxiogenesis. I wrote like a madman. Pharm and drug experiences, comics, journals, etc. I discovered my brain had healed to an extent over those few days of using bupropion.

After the ward I went to another abstinence facility, was homeless, multiple detoxes, back on subutex and ativan, homeless, 3 more detoxes, and then ending up here at this inpatient residential. All I have to say is, Bupropion has saved my life in recent times. Boredom, depression, lack of motivation, all crushed just by insufflating this would-be recreational stim. I could get into more detail but I feel like this is a decently structured report. What bupropion does, my initial experience with it, and future experiences, leading to a discovery of its potential. Well thats it suburban robots, this time lord is singing out

With logic and memory, dimensions and intentions, future loops and computer troops, I bid you a good try and goodbye until soon

[joeshambo]

Spiritual ramifications of stimulants

Certain stimulant drugs can be used for a wide variety of sensory amplification, entactogenic experiences and height in connection with a soul and other human beings. A subject not explored often is whether stimulus can inhibit or prevent certain types of enhancements able to be accessed or applied with a default or sober mind, a large number of stimulants release dopamine by reversing the flow of monoamines, therefore loading up synapses with large amounts of neurotransmitters. This is commonly done it by taar1 trace Amine autoreceptor agonism and vmat 2 vesicular monoamine transporter inhibition. Vmat2 is sometimes referred to as the god Gene being manipulated for Electro sensory stimulation God helmet a form of electroconvulsive therapy. And increased by some psychedelics. It is unknown the significance of the role of VMAT2  on spirituality but it is an avenue of interest to explore.

[joeshambo]

Pictures of sexy aliens, that I’ll probably end up including in comics. I need practice.