revenge bedtime procrastinator

"She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night."

[johannepr]

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[johannepr]

While at the beach you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say? Who would you like to find it?

my first thought was to write to myself but i realized a time capsule would be better suited for that purpose. so i decided i should write to my daughter instead. i would start with the usual adoration-- how much i love her, how precious she is since i first laid eyes on her, how much she deserves all the good things life has to offer, etc. she’s my daughter after all. as much as i try not to make her the center of my world, she claims it as her spot. and i can’t help but let her.

then id pour out all the things i couldn’t tell her in person. how much of a failure i actually am but i try hard everyday; how sometimes i wanted to just disappear but the thought of her being left alone is more painful than anything in this world, so i suck it up. how the tables are slowly turning... when at first she’s depending on me for her survival, now it seems she’s the only remaining connection in this world i want to hang on to.

there are days of course that makes me look forward to the future. i am not always in a depressed mood; it’s just that the happy days are few and far between. i realize how unfair it is that i attach my happiness and my willingness to live on my daughter. my happiness is not her responsibility, nor is it anybody else’s, but my own. and i’m working on that. it’s just that i haven’t found my groove yet, if that’s still a thing.

at this point, i probably should offer comforting advice about going through life, and hope that she’d believe it. just because it’s not working for me (yet) doesn’t mean it wouldn’t work for her. and then i’d end it by saying how, as i am writing this letter, i’m hoping she’d never find and read this. this admission of lapses and shortcomings as a mother--and as a person, in general--is my attempt at recovery. recovery of what, that i do not know. for i am not sure whether i want my old self back.

i’d sign it ‘love, mama’, roll it carefully before inserting it into the bottle, then throw the bottle out into the sea all the while hoping the cap wasn’t tight enough so that seawater could get in and destroy the letter inside. just in case someone retrieves it and posts it on the internet and finds its way to my daughter.

[johannepr]

I always feel like my work is not worth sharing (although my instagram doesnt seem like it) but i realized that i cant keep on waiting for it to be perfect. Progress over perfection.

[felicitykings]

We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved. But not for me. You don’t mean that. You can’t leave. 

[johannepr]

You have no idea how much it means to me that we spend time together listening to God’s Word in the intimacy of our marriage bed. But im hopeful that you’ll come to understand the power of God that’s working in our relationship. I am not perfect but i am serving A PERFECT GOD, and i hope you see His power and perfection past my shortcomings as your wife and partner. I hope im loving you the way you deserve to be loved, the way God wants you to be loved.

[johannepr]

nothing worth having comes easy. but when trials and consequences look almost identical it’s hard to decide what’s worth pursuing anymore. 

[johannepr]

Never stop cultivating the life of your soul, even when it feels like you are flying blind.

[johannepr]

when raindrops fell down from the sky

the day you left me an angel cried

oh, she cried

an angel cried

she cried

[johannepr]

nico

my heart has learned to always miss you. even when we spend the whole day together, even when youre right beside me. in bed at night, when my thoughts start to consume me, i turn to see if youre there even though i know youre there. i reach for your hand and the warmth of your palm reassures me. it doesnt always take my anxiety away but it feels nice to know im not alone. not anymore.

those two years spent apart has filled my heart with so much longing that i think will remain there for the rest of my life. sometimes it feels like it happened a million years ago, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. regardless, it has taught me to be patient. it taught me to wait; to wait for you to come home from work, to wait until we’ve both cooled our heads after a fight, to wait for our dreams to come true.

in a way, im glad it happened. it definitely made me realize that even if i can bear it not to be with you, i dont want to. i intend to keep my promise to always be by your side, til death do us part.

[johannepr]

We learn about ourselves sometimes without knowing we're learning. That's why failure is so valuable. It forces us to learn even if we don't want to.

James Prochaska

[johannepr]

Joel’s broken watch from The Last of Us.

My husband wanted me to do this for my inktober entry last year and i gladly obliged. I don’t play video games but I always enjoyed the stories. He waited so long for TLOU part 2 to come out and a few weeks before it was released, a leak broke out and it seemed like everyone was screaming boycott! People can be really mean sometimes. When the official review came out though, it was a 10/10. I’m not surprised. All good things come to those who wait.

Naturally, my husband finished the whole game in just a matter of days. He probably would have finished it overnight if he wanted to, idk, but with work and taking care of the baby, that wasn’t possible. I’m happy for him. I know how it feels to wait for something for so long (i waited 3 yrs for Sherlock s4!!!) and then finally finish it. Such joy. *sigh*

[johannepr]

change is good

i’ve been thinking a lot about change recently. changing up the decor of our apartment, my mindset, my lifestyle, goals and plans for the future. since COVID happened, i realized that we should be flexible in our plans. because not only are we unable to control life around us but it also stresses us out unnecessarily if we are unwilling to accept changes--especially the totally unexpected ones.

but change is uncomfortable. it challenges our whole being: our beliefs, our way of life; and some go against our culture or traditions that we are already accustomed to. it’s always easier to go with the flow, to carry on with what we’re used to but there is no growth inside our comfort zones. i learned a lot about the discomforts of growth while watching my baby grow every single day. since day 1 she’s been trying to adjust to the outside world, and every day she’s learning new stuff and perfecting those that she’s tried before. every new thing is both exciting and frustrating for her but she never gives up on anything. at first she hated tummy time. she’d wail and flail all four limbs until we pick her up or turn her on her back but we always tried whenever we can until she’d grown comfortable doing it. 

likewise, we should never give up on something just because it’s hard. it’s always gonna be difficult in the beginning but persistence always yields results. had we given up on standing every time we fell as a child, we’d still be crawling by now. but we didn’t. we tried and tried again and now we’re roaming the world as if we never fell on our butts.

[johannepr]

Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

G. K. Chesterton

[johannepr]

how (not) to choose an audience

another day, another 15-minute free writing entry. i wasn’t able to plan ahead during the weekend what i’d write for this as i’d originally planned last week but before i started my timer, i thought i should just write about my thoughts in random and pick out what most bothers me... so here goes... before i started writing, i looked up a lot of stuff: tutorials, free courses, tips from skilled writers, and what they have in common is of course to figure out your audience. that’s one of the first things to consider so that’s what i did. but then i realized i couldn’t decide who i want to reach with my writing. i couldn’t figure out who i want to write to because i don’t have any idea who i am anymore or how i want to be perceived by others.

at 28, i’m a stay-at-home-mom to a 7-month old baby girl. i stopped working as a physical therapist since covid happened which technically makes me a housewife. i paint and do artsy stuff when i have the time--or if i make time. i sing and play the guitar when i can, and i love to read anything my husband buys for me. i want to practice a healthy lifestyle with balanced eating and regular exercise. to me it feels a lot because i want to do everything and i want to be excellent at everything but i can barely shower or go to the toilet with what little time i have in my hands. i know i have to do something to sort out my priorities in life. spend more time on the things that are at the top of the list and spend a little bit less on the bottom of the list.

looking at all of it, i easily get overwhelmed. xx

[sakura-haruka]

Don’t let anyone ever simplify you to just pretty.

[johannepr]

When i was a kid, the witch from Hansel and Gretel really terrified me. Not because she had magic powers that could turn her into a fierce, fire-breathing dragon but because she seemed very real. As if she could just be living in the next neighborhood. Luring children into her home with food and then locking them up and fattening them so she’d have something to eat later on.

Now that I’m grown, I still find her scary because she seems like a modern-day kidnapper but instead of fattening kids up to eat them, she might sell them on the black market, or use them for sex trafficking. Who would have thought that in this day and age stuff like that still happens?

[johannepr]

makeup x self love

here we go again. 15 minutes of nonstop free writing. i was thinking of something to write about earlier this morning but i forgot what it was. so i’m just gonna make anything up and hopefully i’ll come up with something not too random. so masterclass... i was watching a masterclass by bobbi brown earlier and it was really insightful. i am not into makeup that much but luckily for me, her classes were just about the basics and i really enjoyed watching it. most of the stuff she recommends are in my dresser so i just really need to practice. also, for someone who works in the makeup industry she’s really minimalistic when it comes to her face. oh my. i stopped. i lost my train of thought. anyway... i think i still have 10 classes to watch to finish all of it. i’m never gonna change the way i look (unless if i get plastic surgery which i’m not gonna do. duh.) but i can change the way i see myself. it’s all about accepting and embracing your flaws because they’re a part of who you are. even scars have their own story which makes us unique. so no matter what shade of foundation or tinted moisturizer is perfect for my skin, i must first learn to love myself--flaws and all. because no matter how expensive the makeup or how celebrated the makeup artist will work on your face, if you don’t love yourself, you will never be contented with what you see in the mirror when you look into it. i’m not sure how much time is left i’m hoping there isn’t a lot because i’m running out of things to say. writing without thinking, i mean, pausing to think is very difficult. or am i doing this free writing wrong? so after the basics masterclasses for face, eyes, and lips, next was makeup for work which i didn’t get to finish because someone came to our apartment to check the airconditioning so i paused it. what i didn’t know was after a certain amount of time, the cast will spontaneously disconnect and so when i returned to the living room, it had already disconnected. i’m really hoping there isn’t much time anymore because  I AM RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY. i’ll probably think of something tonight or anytime tomorrow before i start free writing again for my 15minute exercise tomorrow--