He’s not finished.
I don’t mind being upfront and honest by saying I’ve been having a hard time lately.
About 2 years ago I found myself in the depth of crippling depression. Since then God has brought me tremendous deliverance and progress through that situation. I honestly was able to live months, even close to a year, without struggling.
But that was then and this is now. Roughly 6 months to a year ago I felt it creeping back again. This time it brought anxiety along with it. I was previously unfamiliar with this. I used to know what it was to be hopelessly sad, unmotivated. Can’t find the drive to get out of bed for hours at a time. Now I was feeling those same familiar devils along with these erratic and irrational fears. Struggling to believe anyone meant it when they said “I love you.” It was dark. It was scary.
I fell into hopelessness. I’d try to pray but it was like my prayers hit the ceiling and fell back down, only for demons to pick them up and throw them back in my face. “Where is your God?” I started to wonder this myself. Where was the presence I once knew? The presence I enjoyed on a daily basis? I felt like I was constantly surrounded by darkness. As if a fog was following me all the time. And sure, there were good times. I don’t want to exaggerate. I had plenty of happy moments, good things were happening in my life. But even in these moments the darkness merely shrank back... it didn’t leave. It gnawed at the back of my mind. I knew if it wasn’t crippling me at this exact moment, it would only come back later.
I wasn’t free.
A few nights ago I went to an old-fashioned tent revival. The service started and I knew the anointing was there, but I didn’t feel much, per se. The band played “Freedom” and when they got to the bridge that says, “No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free” I did my best to sing this out. In my heart I was crying to The Lord, “I want to mean this..” I was desperate.
Midway through the service, I cannot recall exactly when, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me very clearly, “I’ll never be finished with you.” That was the first time in a long time I’d heard His voice speak something so personal and so clear to me. I was moved but not yet free.
During the altar time the minister made an invitation and I’ll be honest, I’ve never struggled so much to get out of my seat and go forward for an altar call as I did that night. Most of my life I’ve felt no shame going forward, not caring much what anyone thought, and probably even taking some sort of pride in this fact. But not this night. I was being tormented. It took everything in me to get out of my seat and go forward. I didn’t even know why I was going. I just knew that I needed something only God could give me.
The minister instructed everyone at the altar to lift their hands and immediately I felt the anointing and power of the Holy Spirit rush over me. I was thankful. I was apparently so wrapped up in whatever God was doing in me at the time that I didn’t hear the man of God call me out. One of the altar workers had to get my attention. The man of God invited me up onto the stage and I obliged. He put the microphone down and asked me why I had come up that night. I offered the only explanation I could muster, “I’m dealing with worry, anxiety like never before.. Depression. I’m tormented.” He looked at me like a father looks at one of his children who’s been badly injured. Not judgment. Not pity. Compassion. Love. The heart of Father God was present in this man of God and He said to me, “Son...He would never turn you away.” He began to pray for me. He said He saw in the spirit this dark cloud hovering over me, and He said that tonight it would leave me. Tonight was my night of deliverance.
After this I cannot explain what happened except to say that the anointing of God supernaturally broke the yoke. I was set free. That dark cloud did lift. I have not been the same since. I have been to incredible church services before and had a “high” that wore off, only to leave me in my same old ways. This isn’t that. Jesus set me free.
My Jesus is a healer, a deliverer, a savior. I have always believed this, always preached this, always known this. I’ve seen Him do miracles through me and been there when He did miracles through and for my friends. But I wanted to share this testimony because it’s so personal to me. This is what Jesus has done for me now. Recently. This is something that has marked my life, changed me. He has “restored unto me the joy of my salvation.” I am so thankful that He’s not finished with me yet.
