trying on a metaphor
AnasAbdin
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Not today Justin
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@johnwithaspark
Where's my 1989 CD?
You think I’m pretty?
What- I... of course. I mean. You know. You're pretty, I mean. Of course.
Look at you. You're beautiful. But you're too young for me. That's what I'm getting at here! You're my sister's age, basically!
Where's my 1989 CD?
Don’t worry. I think it’s cute.
I’m 20, if you’re wondering. Completely legal. I’m a PR agent. I’ve just moved home from New York, actually. Havensdale is quite a place.
20. Okay. That's an acceptable age.
Which is by far the creepiest thing I've ever had the misfortune to say. I'm 30. Ten years there. Age gap, you know. Probably a good idea for me to stop talking and for you to stop being so... pretty.
Where's my 1989 CD?
I— I uh, well- Y’know it’s just… I want to say something. Ask something actually to be more accurate but I uh, don’t know how exactly. It’s not something I ask a lot. And uh, it’s really important. I was just trying to find some good words. And Taylor uh, Swift that is not your sister— Maybe… Maybe I kind of sort of wanted to ask Lucy ifshewantedtobetogether. With me.
Lucy? You mean the one that lives with us?
Dude. Good job! She's way out of your league!
Where's my 1989 CD?
Okay words I do not need to hear and visuals I do not need to have. You think you’d learn from living in this house. Don’t you remember what happened that one time Jake tried to wear leather pants? Yeah, they are a real menace to society. It’s a wonder how anyone gets any work done.
Well good because I’m telling the truth. I have a very believable face. Yup! That is the one. You know what those great aunt’s are like. Never did keep their antiques in shape. Especially the Russian side of the fam. I will! Don’t you worry. This lamp is gonna be okay. So uh, how is work?
Ah yes, the leather pants fiasco of September. Never shall we forget.
Right. Since you're taking it to the Lamp Doctors. [quirks an eyebrow] Very antique-y. Ya know. Old people. Old things. Not very interesting. How's Jake? Still making my life a living hell?
Where's my 1989 CD?
I— Well— It was for a good cause and— Oh, c’mon! John, how many times do I have to say I’m sorry about the Christmas album. I didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident. I wanted to hear All I Want For Christmas Is You as much as anyone else did. I just, I feel you need to make like Elsa and maybe let it go. It could have been worse.
Good cause?! What in hell could be a good enough cause to endanger my beautiful Deluxe 1989 CD?! What?! Tell me boy!
Where's my 1989 CD?
Please tell me you are not wearing skinny jeans at any point in your long, wolfy life because I will throw up. I mean, please. You wouldn’t be able to carry anything in your pockets. You wouldn’t make it. I— Pretty sure it’s just the One Direction. Take deep cleansing breaths, grandpa.
Yeah, it’s really— Hm? What? I’m not being nice to you. I’m being uh, civil. I’m being like normal. What are you talking about? I broke nothing! Expect the hearts of millions. Hey hey. That was a joke. Oh? Well… It’s faulty. It is a faulty lamp. So I’m taking it to get fixed. Yup. Getting the lamp fixed.
I'll have you know, I look good in skinny jeans. They're just impossible to take off. [sighs] Whatever. Those boys with their hair and their singing and their dancing all night to the best song ever.
Civil. Right. I totally believe you. Faulty lamp? Mom's antique lamp from great aunt Smithy? Okay. I'm not claiming to be an expert of lamps, so you go get that fixed up.
Where's my 1989 CD?
Hi.
Selena. Selena Blair. It’s a pleasure, I’m sure. [tilts head] You own the auction house?
Hi. Selena. Hi. I said that like three times. Hi.
Yeah. That's me. I own the auction house. With the auctioning. What do... you do? If you're even old enough to have a job. Which I'm sure you are! And this is coming out all in a jumble.
IM FLIRTING WITH MYSELF IDK IDK
Where's my 1989 CD?
Pity.
But you’re still a… daddy. [steps closer] Aren’t you?
Um. I-
I'm John. Sparks. Junior. John Sparks Jr. Hi.
Where's my 1989 CD?
I did nothing! … Okay I might have done something but I swear, I was gonna put it back. Just uh, after the fi— second listen. I’m just trying to find some mood setting songs. For when I need moods. Really though. The whole ensemble you’ve got on today. Love it.
How dare you touch my Deluxe 1989 CD with the customized, personal polaroids. You know you aren't suppose to touch my CDs after you broke my Mariah Carey Christmas Album in half.
Where's my 1989 CD?
Yeah well, times are changing. Jeans are getting skinnier. Taylor Swift is taking over the world. We all live in walking distance from each other now. I would not be surprised if the whole world imploded. Did you do something new with your hair? It’s very swish.
Ugh, those skinny jeans. The bane of my existence. Along with those... Five Directions. Three Directions. One Direction. Two Directions. I'm not even sure anymore.
Ah, you think? I'm using a new product, it's called Ne- why are you being nice to me? What did you break? ... Why are you carrying a lamp?
Where's my 1989 CD?
… You have kids? My attraction to you has just increased ten fold.
... Uh? What?
... I don't have ki- did you just say you're attracted to me? I have kids, yup. I have kids. [shakes head] ... No I can't do that. Uh, I don't have kids. I'm like a... father figure to some young adults that live with me. That's it. Sorry.
Where's my 1989 CD?
Yoooooooou got that James Deeeeean daydream look in your eeee— John! Uh, hey there. What’s uh— S’up? Bruh. Bro. Brethern. Wolf man. Did you do something new with your hair?
You.
Where's my 1989 CD?
Maybe dad took it. Pretty sure his new life goal is to be down with the ‘kids’. Think he’s trying to relate to our Taylor or something. He should know by now it’s all in the leather boots.
Dad? And Taylor Swift? And Taylor? Wow, never thought I'd hear a combination like that in my lifetime.
Where's my 1989 CD?
It’s like you people want me to stab you in the heart.
Woah, no heart stabbing around here. I have kids!
im actually going to do something ive been planning for a while
DONT LOOK AT ME
Where's my 1989 CD?
Who took my Deluxe 1989 CD? I spent good hard earned money on that!
