just here writing

who cares who knows

[jojustj0]

hi these may be my end days. it is so hard for me to find reasons to stay, to hope. i feel my brain exploding, my heart imploding. God, this is on me. im sorry.

[jojustj0]

that was not nothing, please give at least THAT to me. just between us.

[jojustj0]

What I am proud of today is that I showed up even when it took me the little strength I had left.

I had three law classes today. I attended two. I was called during recit and was able to answer the harder questions but missed the easiest one. "I am sorry, attorney, I wasn't able to take note of that information from the case," I said. Of course, I conceded. I let it pass. I didn't know the answer. She showed mercy. It's probably because I looked like someone who got out of a week-long trial myself.

And that's okay. It's freeing to know you did what you could for certain things. It's true, what they say: even when it seems impossible, you show up. You simply show up. You'll figure it out.

[jojustj0]

✨Universe, please give me everything I want and I need. ✨ I know I am one of your favorite sons, let me get everything I want and I need.

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[jojustj0]

And if somebody comes and decides to leave me again, I hope they’re not thunderstorms— magnificent, scary, overwhelming, loud, bright all at once—and fleeting. They leave as if nothing happened; as if we can move on like they didn’t terrify us; as if they never came and tried to destroy anything they fondled.

If somebody comes and decides to leave again, I hope they’re a season. I don’t care if they’re like summer or winter or fall. As long as they let the floowers bloom if they intend to be spring, I’ll be fine. As long as they stay until the leaves turn gold and red and cover the pavements I would walk on if they intend to be autumn, I would not mind. Or stay until the last fall of snow in winter and before the first blow of cold breeze in summer, I’ll be glad. As long as they stay for a chapter, give everything they could at the time, make me experience everything they could offer, I would not complain.

If somebody comes and decides to leave me again, I hope they stay for a while— like a season— because when they leave, I would know it is leading me to yet another era. And when they leave, I would know that at the right time, they’ll come back again. I know they will.

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[jojustj0]

Maybe because of all the fights I had to win by myself, the blood nobody saw I shed, I have learned to avoid wars against myself. I see feelings as booby traps, ready to injure, kill, if I make the wrong move. Oh, to have wounds that made me see love a battleground, to have scars that force me to always be in survival mode. To have to fight for what should be given freely. To have to go to war so I could call myself worthy.

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[jojustj0]

[jojustj0]

Like lightning in a cloudless sky or a flower blooming in the snow, you came to my life in the most random way possible. And I’m glad you did. You made me feel things again. Like the calm in the rush of waves. Or the joy from the first sip of coffee in the morning. To hope. To look into the future. To be me. So whether it’s another taste of love’s sweet poison, I’ll take the vial. So willingly. Whether it’s another story of unrequited love, I‘ll enjoy the writing.

[vvhack]

[lovingechoes]

Gotta do it

[kaible-deactivated20181205]

I don’t care what news I get I just want this stupid potato dog on my dash

[jojustj0]

If ever it rained there today, I hope you listened to the raindrops for me. Just that here, although the clouds were heavy, they were holding back the entire day.

And if ever you got the chance to see the bittersweet skies at sunset, I hope you paused and smiled. I hope you took deep breaths and just honored the moment. How I wish the skyscrapers here wouldn't block the sun during the golden hour.

Before I forget, if you get to look at the stars outside tonight, can you say hi to them, for me? I know the moon won't be out tonight as it is in new moon phase. Still, can you do me a favor and tell them I am collecting stories to tell? I can't wait to see them again when I come home. The skies here are often smothered with smoke and lights, too much pollution.

Also, please go to the beach when you can. Run with the waves. Feel the breeze. Scream at the top of your lungs. Please don't take your time there for granted. I wish I didn't.

I miss home.