i'm not crying, you're crying.

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@joliebabby
i'm not crying, you're crying.
I really like you, Shane. You're secretly one of the funniest guys I know.
literally all I could think about while shane and yuna were having their Moment
ilya 'needy top' rozanov
They should make a "are you mad at me" that is taken neutrally and informationally every time and doesn't make everything worse when you ask it
i've asked this question many times in my life, and it has never really worked, even when the answer was "no, of course not."
it's because it isn't really the right question. you aren't really asking them "are you mad at me." and i know because i am there and in your body - i can't handle people being upset with me. i feel useless and worthless when i mess up. i am panicky, wild, unreal. i grew up in an unsafe house - i am not just asking are you mad? i am also asking am i going to get hurt now? how can i prevent getting hurt? are you going to yell? are you going to ignore me? are you going to ignore my apologies? overly punish me? are you going to stop loving me now? have i ruined this? am i a bad person to you? do you hate me?
it is hard and it takes work and honestly the work doesn't always, like. actually work. sometimes i still ask are you mad? because i can see it in someone's face very quickly. i can sense it like rain or an earthquake: i had to as a child. i am very good at it.
it puts us in a bad spot. we are asking for reassurance and are you mad is not a reassurance question. we ask to help our feelings, but this question is framed in such a way that it is solely about their feelings, and usually... that is hard to answer. i've had someone ask me this a lot, and it can be tricky because the answer isn't always just no, and you don't want to be dishonest. maybe they aren't mad, they have resting bitch face. maybe they're just annoyed, and in about 5 minutes they'll literally forget what annoyed them. maybe they are mad and don't want to talk about it until they've cooled off. maybe they haven't really processed their feelings yet, and need some space to do so.
i have had someone ask me this when my answer was yes, that really hurt me. and while i knew she was asking for reassurance, it was really difficult to walk that line - how do i honor my own feelings without sending her into an anxiety spiral? the way this question is framed is that it is very isolating. i am responsible for my own feelings, but i am aware that honestly expressing those feelings might seriously injure you. and while i might be super hurt and angry, that doesn't mean i want you to be hurt. how do i say yes in that situation, then, even if it's true?
it sucks as as the person with anxious attachment i've had to do so much fucking work not to ask this. instead, i ask hey, i'm feeling insecure about the face you just made. was that about me? instead i say i am feeling distant from you. can we reconnect? is there something you want to talk about? instead i say i am feeling insecure, and need reassurance you're not upset with me. sometimes i drop the therapy speak and i say (to very trusted people): hey my idiot brain thinks im still in that bad house and you hate me and this friendship is ruined. can you tell me im being stupid please.
if all else fails, it's sometimes worth it to write down what you're feeling and turn it into an "i statement." i know i messed up, and i feel like you're still mad at me or i don't know why, but i feel like you've been upset with me. can we talk? and then open the floor to them for a calm, thoughtful conversation. ask for the reassurance and connection you actually need. your heart wants to be close to their heart, and something is in the way. it might not be anger, genuinely.
for the people that are good to keep, most of the time - they'll be willing to have these conversations with you, even if they are angry. maybe they didn't know how to bring something up with you. if you're calm and receptive, they feel like they can get the apology they were looking for. maybe they're mad about something personal they're going through. and if they aren't mad at you, maybe you can share why you're insecure about things like this (how you were raised, a bad ex), and get that connection and sense of love.
i have "codes" with partners and friends. they know i struggle with intrusive thoughts and this kind of anxiety. for one of them, i will just look at him and say i'm smelly and nobody likes me? and he says something ridiculous like yes i have been throwing darts at your face and we move the fuck on. another gives my hand a squeeze any time they need a little extra comfort or companionship, and i hang quietly back with them at parties. my friend has very similar social anxiety to me and we play a "catastrophe" game where one of us says a repeating thought like nobody likes me and the next says nobody likes me and they're making curses about me right now. this all makes me feel loved, trusted, cherished. this was all also worked for through communication, patience, and....
well i hate to say it lads. but the final ingredient in all of this is trust. from your end, not theirs. you can seek reassurance or closeness all day but if you do not trust their response or trust them to be honest with you... it will never stick. for people in your life that deserve it - that deserve communication and kindness - your trust is necessary. we cannot spend our lives hunting for ways they're trying to hurt us, trying to outfox the next trauma. i know our bodies want to. trust me.
we will be wrong about people. there will be a person that blindsides you in the future. i know, i'm sorry. but in the meantime, i keep coming back to a question i ask myself all the time: if i'm wrong about you, do i still want you in my life? if i can't (or shouldn't) trust this person when they say no i'm not mad, can i trust them at all? do i want them as a friend or partner? most of the time, these are people who have repeatedly proven their love, support, and empathy. shouldn't i trust that instead of, i don't know, my stupidevil brain that also thinks i'm some kind of supervillain?
i love you, i'm not mad at you. the thing you're searching for is that person's love or affection. this question won't give it to you. i know, i've tried it. try opening your heart instead.
Oough this hits home. I find it especially difficult when the trust _isn't_ there and you usually can't ask the question, and you can't easily leave the situation. By which I mean the workplace and other spheres of association not based in friendship.
At least it's made me think a lot about how important it is to give reassurance signals, especially to anyone you're trying to manage but also at a peer level. Even when I'm frustrated and grouchy, I try to initiate greetings and farewells and always respond to them. I say "thanks" and "I appreciate your help" more than anybody else I've ever worked with, because to me those are reassurance-pings as well as good manners. (In a way, perhaps the standard rules of politeness _are_ a system of reassurances.)
what a twist of events over the course of several years since coming out as a trans-woman in 2019, I’m now going by Jolie (She/Her pronouns!) 2 years on estrogen, and also demi-ace and still love women, and also exploring polyamory/non-monogamy and learning more about myself everyday, learning to handle thing better, and unlearning a lot as well.
The things I would do just to be able to cuddle with my girlfriend in a dim lit room and listen to the rain alongside her heartbeat
♫ GENSHIN CONCERT 2022 ♫
I had to put them together after seeing that damn dress they put Beidou in. Look at this fucking power couple!
I cast spell of... of.... kissie kissie kissie kissue kissie kissie
test test
Not to be a whore but I need to hold a girl's waist and call her pretty right NOW or I may simply die.
Hey *with the intention of kissing you until you can’t think a single coherent thought*
i miss my friends from here
this is the most aggressive i've ever seen him get and i for one am positively LIVING for this kind of cold wrath
this is what provoked that tweet
Monkey’s Paw
Huge Vintage Triple Mirror
(more information, more etsy gold)
btw this is called a triple wedding ring mirror
Im so glad faerie portals are coming with options these days
How the fuck was this photographed
How the fuck was this photographed
the second pic made me feel such an enormous amount of dread and i fear that if i turn around, he’ll be standing right behind me and i will finally learn the truth of what he had to do