The world of light entertainment was in mourning yesterday when
the news broke that Jonathan Mouse, a popular diarist, had had
his spinal column snapped by peasants at the age of just 52.
Friend Lesley Joseph spoke for several thousand when she said,
"This is the saddest day of my life and the blackest of any
century. Jonathan was a 26-year-old scented candle snuffed out by
the clumsy man-servant of fate." Despite his low-pitched voice
and increasingly normal behaviour, Jonathan Mouse had in theory
been homosexual for some time. His greatest loves in later years,
however, were a raspberry patch, which he tended as if it was a
sick child, and brandy. Neighbours say that a recent theft from
the patch "tipped him over the edge" and caused him to utter the
words that annoyed the peasants in the Somerset village where
Mouse had a second home which he purchased for 2.5 million pounds
in 2007 at the age of just 33 at the height of the property boom.
Mouse's life had not always been blessed with riches. In fact
[AND SO IT CONTINUES].
