They were too close to the city for stars but the same moon he could’ve seen from his bedroom window held an impossible brilliance framed by the crumbling concrete. It demanded attention, despite how difficult it was to pry his eyes from the visage of the boy gliding up the stairs, gait always on the precipice of falling over, eager to see more.
Debris crumbled under Jonghyun’s feet as he stepped backwards to gaze fully at the graffitied face of a woman. Her eyes seemed to follow him around the room, the corner of her blue lips mid curl to an amused grin. He wondered how many people stood where he was, tense and bracing for the ceiling to collapse over him if only to catch a glimpse of a rare smile.
“You’ll love it, I promise,” Taemin said a few nights prior with the smile. Impossibly new. Jonghyun thought he had them all memorized by now. How could he say no?
“Jonghyun!” Taemin’s voice broke him from his reverie, echoing from a jagged opening that could’ve once been a doorway.
He glared at the blue lady a final time before hurrying to the sound of Taemin’s voice, trying not to think about sirens. He was floored by the mere sight of him, leaning back against the stair railing, bathed in immaculate silver down the bridge of his nose, his cheekbones, the rise of his collarbones.
The ceiling had caved in above them, big enough that, if he craned his head just right, he could see the full moon. They were too close to the city for stars but the same moon he could’ve seen from his bedroom window held an impossible brilliance framed by the crumbling concrete. It demanded attention, despite how difficult it was to pry his eyes from the visage of the boy gliding up the stairs, gait always on the precipice of falling over, eager to see more.
It was a lofted area in view of the rest of the warehouse. Taemin padded carelessly past empty crates and tall shelves, all under a thick layer of dust. The meager moonlight shone through thin patches of ceiling and cracked glass windows. He yelled gleefully, a simple shout of joy echoing faintly from where he sat on a shelf.
Jonghyun could have stayed there forever, looking at the blue lady, inspecting all the graffiti, staring at the moon above the stairs in the company of the boy with the pied piper laugh. He wanted to keep that magic, memorizing his favorite parts when he realized photos didn’t do them justice. The moon a mere speck, the blue lady lost her mischievous spark.
The spell of the night was broken only when Taemin touched a wooden crate, yelping in pain. Jonghyun had him hold a flashlight over his hand in the car to take the splinters out. He stayed over that night, too tired to drive, eating ramen heavy lidded and giddy as they recounted the sights they saw.
“We have to do that again,” Taemin’s voice was quiet, eyelids heavy but his gaze was fixed on Jonghyun. He couldn’t say no.
The next excursion was to an unfinished power plant. He bought gloves for Taemin this time and he watched his scrawny frame shiver in the cold dawn as he hoisted himself up a wall, walked―one foot in front of another―along the thin surface the wall allowed and he sat to take the structure in. Jonghyun followed with much difficulty, wondering how Taemin managed to make it look effortless. There was barely room for muscle under his too loose shirt. He seemed to be driven by an innate energy, already lowering himself as Jonghyun took in the sight.
The buildings wept. Copper teartracks ran down its sides from the loose net of rusty metal scaffolding that seemed to hold it together. The vines acting like twine, creeping up the structures, up the unraveling spokes of metal, coiling tighter the higher they went in an attempt to reach the sun.
Taemin ran full speed and it was all Jonghyun could do to follow, their footsteps echoing when they reached a tower the shape of the mouth of an Erlenmeyer flask. Graffiti surrounded them, not quite to the level of the blue lady. Initials within hearts. He wondered how long these names had been here. How many made it past their days of trespassing and benign vandalism? He nearly forgot Taemin was still there until he started singing, his voice bouncing off the concrete until Jonghyun felt surrounded by him. His own song in Taemin’s breathy voice. A feast for the ears that he never thought he would hear. He listened, memorizing all the ways his voice lilted with the melody, the way his own words formed a smile on his pretty lips as he sang. It meant so little to him, a simple tune as he inspected the graffiti but Jonghyun wished he could live within the seconds of that single moment.
They walked along its hallways, stopping to properly appreciate waterfall vines down open edifices. The air seemed fresher here somehow, less than an hour outside the city. Had he been alone, he would’ve sat in the Erlenmeyer tower, in the seemingly haphazard open air tunnels, staring at the morning sun shining through waterfall vines to fully appreciate them. Except he couldn’t help himself. He strode on, following the echo of Taemin’s laughter. The brand new smile, the way he was so giddy he could dance but he waited until he was on solid ground to twirl, hopping from one foot to the other from cold and exhilaration. It was all he could do to throw him his sweater.
The walls curved labyrinthlike and they found themselves in another room filled with their echoing footsteps. Machinery covered one full side and he gazed at its large cogs, wondering how they looked when they whirred and what they did. In a few years’ time this would inevitably be torn down, the machine doomed to stillness would be gone for good, left in the memories of LJK and KKB, whoever they were who spray painted their initials in white dripping down one flat side.
In time Taemin would bring someone else through these magical places, kissing in dark corners the way Jonghyun wanted to, hands tangled in the faceless man’s hair. His feelings as doomed to stillness by his all-encompassing fear of baring his soul, because Taemin could own his entirety in a heartbeat. The right smile, the right words and he could have him.
Footsteps disturbed the quiet and they ran, fleeing as fast as they could, their breathless laughter ringing through rooms as they passed, still running even when the footsteps faded away. They only stopped when they reached his car, their stomachs aching. Breathless.
The adrenaline made Jonghyun’s heart rattle against his chest, hands shaking as he pulled his door open. He nearly fell over in his rush to board his car, forehead bumping against Taemin’s broad chest and the rush seemed to pause. He caught his gaze, crescent circles, cheeks puffed out in the enormity of his smile. A few inches and he could feel the plush of his lips against his own. The younger man seemed oblivious of this, too delighted by the close call to notice his affections. Jonghyun pulled away a second too late. His apprehension so palpable he felt he could drown in it.
Jonghyun started driving. A heavy silence weighed over them, a question hovered unspoken. Taemin broke first, reaching over to fiddle with Jonghyun’s phone. Music blasted through the speakers. One he recognized from Taemin singing it and he loved that he heard it from his voice first. The song quickly flowed into one he recognized from one of his playlists, Taemin still looking at his phone. He didn’t mind. It was in this smallest moment that he realized he had given himself away without meaning to. His restraint and caution were in vain. The small affection he held was something more.
Their next trip was during the daytime. A small amusement park a couple hours away. Asphalt hot under his shoes. The heat washed over the park in a blurry haze. Jonghyun hung back as Taemin ran to the rollercoaster tracks. The younger man climbed a few feet up to the train, not minding the rust that ate through the seatbelt. Its faded red paint looked like dying embers. Taemin sat on one of the seats and stared at something in the distance before excitedly making his way back down.
“This is what we came here for!” he took Jonghyun’s wrist.
He let himself be led through empty food stalls, past thick overgrown bushes to a moving Ferris wheel. The wind whipped as it groaned along, rusty hinges squealing as if it were reluctant to keep spinning. Taemin unlatched one car door with no hesitation, laughing when Jonghyun pulled him away just in time to keep him away from the door swinging on its hinges. It made its way back up, door slamming loudly against the car. Its hinges protested but it continued on.
Jonghyun couldn’t look away. All too aware of the awed man he still held within his grasp. He felt the prickle of his gaze on him. This had to be the last time he went with him to these places. He couldn’t keep doing this to himself. He watched as the car approached them again. Taemin broke free from his hold and boarded with a running start.
“Come on!” he yelled, holding his arm out. The car rode round again, his torso angled toward him as the car rose higher. His lips moved but his words were lost to the wind. Jonghyun gestured wildly for him to get inside. Taemin was laughing again and Jonghyun knew the twinkle in his eyes were there. He wished he could see it.
Jonghyun watched helplessly as the car rounded back toward him. Taemin cheered him on and he moved without thinking. He managed to jump on with shaky knees, car swinging. It was all he could do to balance himself on one side. The ferris wheel could stop moving at any moment. And how much rust did he see around its spokes? His fear was immediately silenced when Taemin took his hand in his, inspecting the chipped paint on his palm from when he gripped the doorway. Showing his own small hands to remark on how much they looked the same.
“We should get a coffee sometime,” he blurted out, heart pounding so loud he was sure the other man could hear it.
Taemin frowned, brows scrunched together in thought. Jonghyun would be afraid if he didn’t recognize the same spark of mischief in his eyes. He waited, nervous still, for his response. His mind wandered to what he would wear, what they could talk about, the one café he liked. There would be room for these excursions later. This wasn’t the real world. It was a fantasy.
“Tomorrow?” he finally asked. His made it look easy.
“I’ll pick you up at 8.”
“It’s a date.”
The two men casually hopped off the car after a couple more rounds, paint chips falling from their clothes when they dusted themselves off. Their fingers intertwined as they walked to Jonghyun’s car.
Neither of them knew if it was the whiskey or just them but they burned a heat comparable to the sun.
Jinki was the first person Jonghyun shared this place with. Outside the top floor window a few steps down on the fire escape, away from windows and watching stares, stars completely unobscured, cold from the metal steps they sat on. Jonghyun knew he would appreciate it.
“This is marvelous.” Were the first words out of his mouth when they sat down.
They passed a bottle of whiskey to keep warm, sharing mundane stories and laughing at inane jokes. Jonghyun swore he could’ve sat there forever.
A packet of smokes later and the smoke from their lungs turned to fog. Jonghyun kissed him, their breaths reeking of cigarettes and tasting sweet from the whiskey. He had never kissed such soft lips. Jinki responded to Jonghyun’s every move. Repeatedly going over the spots that made Jonghyun whine. Neither of them knew if it was the whiskey or just them but they burned a heat comparable to the sun.
Weeks later it became routine. Something unspoken between them. They would meet at the building in the fire exit, lips locking together, hands exploring under shirts and over pants on the steel steps. Nothing more.
Jonghyun was uncertain about the arrangement. He always did his best to not get attached but somehow Lee Jinki managed to make him tip over headfirst.
He believed in destiny. Whether fate meant they just made out in rooftop fire exits or not, this was part of a plan. A booty call didn’t include stars and hushed whispers of dreams they couldn’t attain.
Jinki however was more pragmatic. This was nothing. He told himself repeatedly. Jonghyun wanted to have fun. It had nothing to do with the flowers that blossomed in the pit of his stomach or the racing of his heart when he felt Jonghyun draw closer.
Sometimes Jonghyun would fall asleep when they talked and he would mumble nonsense about space. Jinki would count the stars until he finally awoke.
They spoke in whispers as if the moment would break if they spoke loud enough but sometimes Jinki had the urge to shout. When he told Jonghyun this he came back with pieces of paper and they wrote little bits of truth and let them fly in the wind. Littering, Jinki called it. But he couldn’t deny the weight lifted from his shoulders.
Jonghyun thought it was paradise. Kisses were pure and meant something. Jinki found it a sanctuary. No forced smiles or laughter. Both of them thought it was too good to be true.
And it was.
It started out as rumors, Lee Jinki dating some girl. Kissing him felt different that night. He tasted of cherry chapstick. Frost clung all around him and he took a sip of the whiskey until the fire returned.
The next night Jonghyun wasn’t there.
Jinki waited there alone. He couldn’t leave without seeing him. It had become habit. He had become home. It was everything about him especially his scent. The warm, musky arms of the smaller man exploring his body. Jinki didn’t know why he couldn’t have enough. Being with Jonghyun was like breathing for him. Natural. His lungs ached as he waited for him. He never came.
For days after Jinki would spend time sitting there outside, fog rushing out with his every breath. Hands toying with unlit cigarettes. Somehow waiting. Still waiting. One fortunate day Jonghyun showed up, rubbing his hands together in the cold. The smaller man paused when he saw the older man look up at him. He cleared his throat and sat two steps above him.
“I didn’t expect you’d be here.” Jonghyun said.
“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?” Jinki countered, back still turned to him.
The silence filled the air as Jonghyun didn’t know what to say.
“You stopped coming.” Jinki’s voice almost sounded like a plea although he tried to say it in a declarative tone.
“I thought you had someone. I’m not one to solicit cheating.” Jonghyun said simply.
“It was one time with some drunk girl. Her breath reeked of vomit and she kept biting my lips.” Jinki said.
“Oh, I probably should have asked then.” Jonghyun lowered his head onto his hands.
All those missed opportunities. Nights he spent wishing he could go and be with Jinki. He wanted to kiss him so much. He wanted to say a million things but he didn’t know what to say. The fog of words unsaid surrounded them.
Jonghyun wanted to say how much he missed him. How much he regretted not spending time with him but the words seemed to catch in his throat.
“What happens now?” Jinki broke the silence.
Jinki walks the few steps down to lean against the railing and see the small alley beside the building.
“I think I loved you too much so I let you go.” Jonghyun manages to choke the words out.
Jinki looks up at Jonghyun, pure disbelief in his eyes. How could this man, this perfect man, love him. He thought of the songs they made, skin caressing skin, the pure voice of something that could be. His hums of satisfaction. The quiet moments when they somehow fit like two puzzle pieces. But Jinki didn’t believe in that. What a terrible thing to waste such a wonderful chance.
He ran, almost tripping over himself and kissed Jonghyun right on his beautiful lips and he felt the whole world lock into place around them. For once, the flowers that blossomed in Jinki’s stomach bloomed fully like Jonghyun brought spring. And Jonghyun didn’t simply dip his feet in the waves of Lee Jinki he swam in them and dove into the deepest depths. The fire burned between the two of them and this time they couldn’t blame it on the whiskey. It didn’t matter that they were still scared shitless. It didn’t matter that this could end. They knew they had each other and that’s all they held on to.
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