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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Sade Olutola
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@jonnyzilla
The misunderstood usually have the biggest hearts.... I might die, without ever being forgiven on earth. Who was I at the very end of my life... only god will know my true intentions and see that i am a confused but kind soul... i hope he will show me the love equal to the love ive given to those who took advantage. Idk what else to do but to give my life up to you lord. Please help me
http://relaxbabygvrl.tumblr.com
Planned a relapse
Crazy how you get sober and realize how much fucking time you wasted and how many people you’ve hurt and fucked over:/ a part of me blocks out these thoughts. After I spent some time with my friends and I talked about my wasted years as an addict, I thought, holy shit. I completely threw away, and wasted so much fucking time. I felt like and idiot, like a damn idiotic fool. My new, baby sober brain scorched my thoughts with a heavy realization. I didn’t bathe, didn’t take care of my skin. All I did was smoke and wake up to smoke heroin and go to work to afford heroin everyday. And if it wasn’t heroin it was xanax. There would be no food in my fridge, but I for damn sure made it a mission to always carry xanax.
This is the longest I’ve been sober. Damn near 60 days, and almost 100 days off heroin. The clear-mindedness is quite unfortunate but it does strike me with a tinge of glee. I’m reaching new territory and I’m breaking my circular relapse habit.
I don’t like admitting this, but I was planning to relapse. I told my partner I was ready to purchase benzos, specifically a research chemical called etizolam. Little pink shaped pills that almost felt like my precious xanax. I essentially told him that there’s no talking me out of this. That I deserved to get high and the anxiety was overwhelming. I wanted to keel over and sob because I was shaking with fear I was so fucking uncomfortable. My disease yelled, bitch you have 60 days! You deserve it. Long as it’s not heroin it’s fine.
I hate my disease. That part of my brain that yells at me, screams that the easiest escape is to cop and use. An invitation to numbness that I can’t deny. I always thought of my addiction as a beautiful but foul woman–flowing hair, sharp eyes, cigarette in hand. Full, juicy lips, mouth that uttered, “I love you, come here. Just let me, let me choke you to death.”
I was going to relapse. I planned. I accepted it. I accepted that I would lose my clean date. But, my friends had invaded my day. Them, looking so fucking proud of me. My best boy friend, Payton, telling me that he loves me. His eyes looking sad for the past. I thought about letting them down. Telling them I fucked up. For the 25th time. A look of common disappointment. Maybe a roll of the eyes, or the shed of a tear. I couldn’t just toss away my progress because I felt overwhelmed and shitty. In fact, being around 3 people who love me unconditionally-i suddenly felt okay again. I could breathe. The love they had for me-it filled my spirit and engorged my heart.
I’m not going to relapse tomorrow. I promise. I love them too much. If you’re reading this, think about the people that love you. The people you’ve stole from and manipulated. The people that still loved you despite those disgusting flaws. I really hope you have that person, those people. And if you don’t, you just don’t know it. Somebody wants you to do better.
I’m still scared. I made up my mind but what if she tricks me? What if the disease takes hold and fucks me over? She takes hold of me, embraces me, squeezes me until I can’t breathe. I have a disease that wants me dead-theres no other way of putting it. I’m not sure if I believe in prayer, but please pray that I don’t relapse and that I end up being okay. I just want to be okay. Nothing else. Just be okay
Why do I feel so low right now?
Limits of the Human Body
Body Heat = 107.6 F
Cold Water = 40 F
Hot Air = 300 F
High Altitude = 15,000 ft
Starvation = 45 days
Diving Depth = 282 ft
Lack of Oxygen = 11 minutes
Blood Loss = 40%
Dehydration = 7 days
“All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they’re not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but unignorable veil. They have about them the air of elsewhere, that they’re looking through you to somewhere else they’d rather be. And of course they are. The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.”
— (via queenondope)
Impossible
What doesnt kill you makes you dissociate so hard you become a different person
“i understand addiction more than anyone who is close to me. ive slept with people, told lies, told secrets, cut & went bankrupt because i loved drugs more than i loved myself. now i do drugs, the drugs dont do me…or so i think. but now i see the love of my life & my best friend in the first phase of addiction and i aid to it. seeing their persona change from chill to euphoric is like looking in a mirror. and that scares the absolute fuck out of me one day the two strongest people i know are going to wake up and be afraid to live. theyre going to hit the pipe not to get high by just to get by. & it will be all my fault. i want to save them but just like me, they dont think they need saving. one day their eyes wont dilate anymore. they wont speedball. their mouths will dry and decay. first itll start like chapped lips, then blisters. who knows maybe they will end up in the ICU on the last day of their life. hopefully just like me, they will get a chance at redemption. one day they will see lights shining in their windows. voices telling them to end it. feelings of unexplainable pain that seeps through their entire body. their mind fried. trembles that only get worse. cold sweats. panic attacks. they will lose themselves. everything that once made them beautiful will be gone. i will be the angel that saves them. not today or tomorrow. but i wont let their beauty fade no matter how bad the devil wants in. i will save them from monster trying to creep underneath their skin until one day, they will have to save me from myself again.”
— (via notyourdadddysgirl)
Her eyes are Blue and Grey towards the center.
She appears as an Angel and yet, inside she hides a demon.
Her soul is lost and those beautiful eyes refuse to see all of the pain she gives to me.
I take it willingly, in hopes she will finally love me.
Only there is no mercy and Love is the game.
She has ruined me.
She will never be mine.
I will forever remember her, till the end of time.
Her eyes are blue and Grey towards the center.
..Stuck somewhere in the middle..
Help me...
I hate myself
Thank you, to that star in the sky tonight.
Your beautiful shine caught my eye tonight.
I was thinking of, God, where could you be?
Will you show me a sign?
I searched all night sitting in the dark.
I was sure to seal my fate, this depression is something i really fucking hate!
I wanted nothing more, I just wanted to end it all and I couldn't see a thing.
Angry, eyes wide open staring into a moonless sky.
There you were, my savior shining bright and alone.
You were alone, too.
So there as I Sat, i fell into a trance like state. I felt the anger and all of this hate, hurt and aches begin to rise.
If it wasn't for you to lift these burdens off my shoulders, I wouldn't have a head with a mind inside that malfunctions.
After all of this, you faded away as soon as I could relax my legs, shoulders and arms.
I could shake of the weight, I felt lighter.
Shiiiiiiiiiittttttt.
I could like even laugh. For real girl... shine bright like a diamond. You took all this pain away.
I stood up and walked back inside, no more thoughts of suicide.
Until the next time I feel these urges, yes urges plural.
Maybe next time I'll cause someone to hurl at something truly grotesque.
"He like, gets these urges."
"What urges?"
I like the homicide, it sort of does it for me.
Like really, who doesn't like digging the hole?
A big dinner after tonight and I'll be able to seriously hurt the next, I'm a serial killer, surprise.
Maybe.
Fuck you I'm out.
#kickingahabit #heroin #tina# #soft #yomomma #fuckthislife #fuckyomomma.com #shoutout #iloveyoumaryjane #peace
Run away
Maybe if I just dissappeared... some one might miss me.
